IT Employment

No, I do not need a hug


It's happened to me twice. Once I had just launched a new project after a couple of months and it was a big success. My (male) boss hugged me. The second time was when I accepted a lateral job offer in the same company. My new (male) boss, who also happened to be a friend, hugged me.

The hugs were disconcerting to me not because I think they were sexual come-ons. They were disconcerting because

  1. I am not a hugger
  2. They would not have hugged me had I been a man

On Point A: I am SO not a hugger. (Unless the hug comes from a loved one or a child, it's really disconcerting to me.) Picture me as the horrified cat that Pepe LePew embraces in those Warner Brothers cartoons. I don't even like it when people lean in close to talk to me. It's like I'm surrounded by a metaphysical moat.

On Point B: Those guys apparently (and probably subconsciously) thought that hugging was an appropriate response because I'm a woman. I know this because it is virtually impossible for me to picture the following scenario:

Jim: Hey Bill, congratulations on getting your project in under budget!

Bill: Thanks, Jim!

Jim: So, how about a hug?

Not likely, right? I know it's a small thing and it's not frighteningly objectionable. In other words, I'd be a little more likely to march over to HR if these guys had congratulated me by punching me in the face or calling me "Toots." Maybe I'm naïve but I think they meant well. However, I think it's still an example of some deeply embedded thinking that affects workplace dynamics.

About

Toni Bowers is Managing Editor of TechRepublic and is the award-winning blogger of the Career Management blog. She has edited newsletters, books, and web sites pertaining to software, IT career, and IT management issues.

95 comments
outfile
outfile

If you were hot id say it was inappropriate...but judging from your picture, you probably did need a hug

AV .
AV .

Hugging of any kind is out. I'm a woman and I don't like it because I never know what the motives are behind it. Is it a casual hug or something else? That isn't even an issue for men, but for the rest of us, it is. I don't like where you're going with your post, but you're entitled to your opinion. AV

TonytheTiger
TonytheTiger

... probably had to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

XnavyDK
XnavyDK

wow is all I can say. If I was as immature as you though I think a YO MAMMA would be in order. but Ill pass, with just your a jerk

NotSoChiGuy
NotSoChiGuy

...just a couple more weeks until the announcement of the 'TR IDIOT POST OF THE YEAR'. Well played. I'd wish you luck, but with such a strong entry, I doubt you'll need it!

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

What a bottom feeding cretin. Do you work from a small dark cupboard under the sink? are yuo miserable with your place in life, your work, your income? Something has you extremely dissatisfied with yourself, I think maybe your boss needs to give you a big hug, if he can bring himself to do it even in a charitable way. Your lack of common social skills should keep you from every working near people, I fear that anyone would even let you work around animals.

JimInPA
JimInPA

why don't you do the world a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow.

maecuff
maecuff

We got a visit from the Christmas Tool.

Tig2
Tig2

It is truly sad to recognize that there are still imbeciles out there like yourself that judge the value of a human being by their appearance. I know our Senior Blogs Editor and have to tell you that she is one of the warmest, nicest, PRETTIEST people I have met. But because you are so busy making your decisions based on nothing more than your Playboy Bunny sense of beauty, you would never be able to understand that, would you? I guess that you must be the best thing since Brad Pitt. I would guess that you are pretty infatuated by your reflection in the mirror. If you are a tenth of what you think you are, I would also guess that you sport plastic moulded genitalia and an equally plastic personality. Obviously an opinion that should be treasured. I'll make a note of that.

Joe_R
Joe_R

That idiots really do exist.

jdclyde
jdclyde

has been out getting sodomized by their toothless cousins, and is feeling aggressive because he won't be able to sit down for several days.

Michael Jay
Michael Jay

That is so wrong, so unkind and.. I gotta shut myself up, you need a hug... from a grizzly bear.

OnTheRopes
OnTheRopes

I can think of several things I'd like to say to you but this isn't the place to do it. Out behind the woodshed would be better.

santeewelding
santeewelding

About "deeply embedded". But now I see you deal with something far more deeply -- and perversely -- embedded.

Tig2
Tig2

If the poster had pulled out anything other than an ad hominem attack, I might have had some patience for his view. What he did instead was make a value judgement about Toni based on his perception of her appearance. This kind of "input" we can live without. I know Toni. I have met her. She's beautiful in more than appearance. When my mother died, she was first in my email to try to help. I kept her words close at a time when I could hardly form a coherent thought. That to me is beauty. The discussion starter needs to understand that the reason he will be investing in fur gloves is his attitude. I don't know a woman who would put up with his. Is he entitled to an opinion? Yes. Is he entitled to attack others with it? Not as far as I'm concerned. Toni raised a serious subject and one that deserves discussion. She did NOT ask for a subjective discussion of her appearance. Based on the OP's observations, I contend that he is living in mom's basement with plastic moulded genitalia and 'Mattel' stamped on his touche'. He should probably discuss his narcissism with his therapist. Edit- typo

cmiller5400
cmiller5400

It also reminded me of the saying in Short Circut: Johnny 5: "Hey, laser lips. Your mama was a snow blower!"

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

I just don't get it. how sad and pathetic does a person need to be to make such stupid comments? Now THERE'S someone who needs that a$$ shirt (you were just learning the ropes). I've always thought Toni reminds me of Jennifer Coolidge (whom I think is hilarious and talented), and I'd definitely wanna give Coolidge a hug (well Toni too, but she don't like no steeenkin' hugs). My chances of ever hugging Coolidge are slim too, so I guess its up to Elmo to keep me smiling again (at least he likes tickles).

jdclyde
jdclyde

with roaming hands..... :0

OldER Mycroft
OldER Mycroft

It's just like one of those conundrums that you can never prove unless you know someone with a big-enough lip (and stoopid enuff to do it!). ;)

boxfiddler
boxfiddler

about telling him to crawl back up his @ss and close his spincter behind him. Yours is much more suitable for mixed company.

jck
jck

that or he's hiding it somewhere uncomfortable lol ]:) :^0

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

How sweet to be an Idiot, As harmless as a cloud, Too small to hide the sun, Almost poking fun At the warm but insecure, untidy crowd. How sweet to be an idiot, And dip my brain in joy, Children laughing at my back, With no fear of attack, As much retaliation as a toy. How sweet to be an idiot. How sweet. I tiptoed down the street, Smiled at everyone I meet, But suddently a scream Smashes through my dream. Fee fie foe fum. I smell the blood of an asylum. (Blood of an asylum. But mother, I play so beautifully. Listen. Ha ha.) Fie fye foe fum. I smell the blood of the asylum. Hey you. You're such a pennant. You got as much brain as a dead ant, As much imagination as a carvan sign, But I still love you. Still love you. Oooh, how sweet to be an idiot. How sweet. How sweet. How sweet.

Jaqui
Jaqui

some of my favorite female friends sport plastic molded genitalia. and use it on their playmates. :| plastic, only cause leather is to likely to breed bacteria. They most definitely are not "plastic" people. :D

boxfiddler
boxfiddler

is he's one of those babies that was experimented on years ago - he was in the group that never got touched.

jck
jck

even toothless cousins wouldn't touch that kinda wanker :^0

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

I was thinking WHY, what did I say? It ain't hurtin THAT much! Then I realized it wasn't MY cousins y'all wuz talking about.

cmiller5400
cmiller5400

I had a mouthfull of honey roasted peanut. Operative word HAD. I now have to vacuum my cubicle and keyboard. Thanks for making me actually work today. ;\

Jaqui
Jaqui

personal comments like that are so not appropriate.

NickNielsen
NickNielsen

I tried and was told "This post has already been reported as spam."

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

I think that's best left to the imagination, I'm sure even I couldn't dream up something quite so horrific.

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

Somebody's gonna get a hurtin!

tcavadias
tcavadias Staff

.. as this was within Toni's blogs - I deferred to her - and she asked it remain as it was. As for hidden threads - I was trying to keep up my side of a compromise I thought we all had worked out a while back after a certain thread had been yanked - move them - let folks have their fun and it keeps the thread intact and out of the top slot. Which at least in my eyes I thought was a good compromise. It's been a balancing act trying to keep everyone happy - on both sides of the coin. Now where did I put my whip? ;-) -Tammy :D

OnTheRopes
OnTheRopes

Cooool. B-) The USPS should be delivering those Trumpet Vine seeds any week now. I put an extra pennies worth of postage on it after it was sent back postage due the first time. Those seeds are well traveled as I think they made it all of the way out there before they sent 'em back.

The Scummy One
The Scummy One

package was sent today. Dont go overboard -- there was a lot in there. Oops, maybe I shouldnt a said anything here :0

OnTheRopes
OnTheRopes

the moderator asked Toni if she wanted the post yanked and she said no. I'm thinking it would've been pulled otherwise.

The Scummy One
The Scummy One

anyone in the future can look back at this ass-munch to determine just how much of a loser s/he/it is in future discussions. I originally did not post to it, since there was already a bunch and I figured that it would have been removed anyway. But so it is -- we have a non inflammatory discussion which gets 'hidden', yet this loser does not get moderated :0 whatever, I have stopped trying to figure out what does and does not qualify for moderation. I think it is more the 'mood' of the moderator at any given time.

AV .
AV .

It was unkind and just shows that he is nothing but a troll. He doesn't want to participate in any discussion, he wants to disrupt it. I certainly wouldn't miss hearing from him in the future. TR should have deleted the contents of that post. It was demeaning to Toni and not relevant to the discussion in any way. AV

Jessie
Jessie

My hubby def has a thing for redheads with big hoots... I used to dye my hair red...

jdclyde
jdclyde

musically or otherwise. Now, Nancy Wilson was the top O' the list if looking for Blondes..... ]:)

Jaqui
Jaqui

preferences only mean two women, the one that fits more preferences in appearance will be the one preferred.

The Scummy One
The Scummy One

however, there is still an attraction to some outside the preferred range.

Jaqui
Jaqui

brunettes personally. if we are talking preferences. but I'm not stupid enough to think hair colour is critically important, it's the person that really matters.

The Scummy One
The Scummy One

I keep telling people that they are trouble and to stay away -- that way there is more for me :D However, it hasnt worked :(

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

so....how bout that war, eh? ski season's upon us now can't wait to get up to Whislter and see the ski bunnies (damn there I go again). Librarians, Ellen DeGeneres, Martina Navratilova, Annie Lennox, ah, there we go.

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

That was close, good thing she wasn't 20!!!!

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

"Ever been to sea, Billy? "No, but I've been blown ashore" "well come play with Cap'n Hindgrinder,bend over and I'll give you a taste of me fishstick" sorry, that one goes back to high school or elementary school it's pretty old. SPAM BUTTON TIME! I guess that's my next TR swag goodie, TR soap from Tammy, to wash my mouth out with.

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

I actually don't normally go for red heads, I find them rather pale skinned and nto sun friendly, I have a more olive complexion and tan in minutes but never burn. however, my ex was a redhead, a girll I dated shortly after was a redhead. I don't get into the carrot red (orange)though, my red heads were more auburn's, well the first was, the second was a fling that was flung a few extra times. I have always been into Brunettes, I find them (don't throw things kids)to be more grounded in many ways (as a general rule, not ALL brunettes). I find blondes like ot play 'hey i'm blonde' and that makes me sick, but then again, I have dated a few blondes, moreso than brunettes. I suppose the ones I want are the ones I can't have, yeah just like everyone else in the world. There isn't anything attractive about easy pickins, so if she thinks shes all that and I can still date her, then it proves she aint all that afterall, and that her head was in the clouds. (Now there's some real self confidence for ya! Sleep with me and your a gutter gal)

jdclyde
jdclyde

that she was still under warranty.... Then was the "trade my 40 in for two 20's"... :D

jdclyde
jdclyde

Reds are for the rest of the time... ]:) I loved it when the ex put a red tint in her normal brunette hair.

NotSoChiGuy
NotSoChiGuy

...if something goes wrong between us, I'm going for a redhead. It would drive her up a wall (she more than deserved it, trust me). We divorced. I met a redhead. Happy happy joy joy ever since. :)

XnavyDK
XnavyDK

but for some reason I find myself incredible attracted to rh over anything else. I will date anyone though, once a sailor always a sailor.

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

When I came here, back many moons when man was learning to walk upright, it was for a few answers to network issues. In my spare time I browsed forums and found this one guy that was a total pr1ck to people, but still had a great following behind him. Having studied psyche, I was debating peer pressure and conformity with someone one afternoon and brought up some comments by that poster. I then decided to throw a few punches and take him to task. Well I soon found out that he had a great deal of respect form many people, even those who disagreed with him. Over the years we grew to be rather hateful enemies, resulting in some of the longest flame wars in TR history, before we started to see all the things that we actually agreed on and found that we simply disagreed on a few specific topics. I hate and always have distrusted Bush as the leader or what is supposed to be a mighty nation. again studying psyce and criminology (Bro owns a law firm, I almost followed him) I have learned to detect eye and hand gestures that indicate untruths, and I saw Bush was full of it. He lied, and I saw through it at the time and called him on it (well, not personally by phone but you know what I mean). Well the one big enemy I had formed here on TR thought Bush was great and defended him to no end. That former enemy is now one of the peers I offer the most respect and I have grown to love his comments and agree with most of what he says, as I always did with topics other than Bush and US politics. Even though I am FAR from a democrat, I just didn't see how so many millions of people were so easily led by such a liar and an idiot (we won't get into the fact he was elected TWICE!!!!). Today, Maxwell Edison and I get along pretty good, in fact I welcome his posts and we know when to leave our comments to a couple of lines and not push each others buttons. I have had others here do the same and have nearly taken legal action, but with the help of TR, libel posts were removed and things were sorted. So your little poke was nothing more than a chuckle really. Don't sweat it, I am sure you won't. I musty admit though, I rarely look or pay much attention to who is posting when I reply to a comment, the person is far less important to me that the comments. Some people will troll around and just look for a specific persons posts and slag every one of them, as has happened to me also, not to your surprise of course. I noticed that I agreed with a few of your posts recently and that perhaps my first impressions were a bit harsh, but again, my comments are simply based on your comments on a post by post basis, not a preformed opinion of WHO is posting. I'm was given a sweatshirt as a young adult that had Donald Duck in a leather jacket holding a guitar, the caption said, "Heaven doesn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over". Too bad it doesn't fit me anymore, because the saying certainly does! Sorry for length, I drone on a lot, but you'll get used to that too.

Tig2
Tig2

The SO has a thing for redheads too. That's how we ended up together. But I hear that a lot so now I'm curious- do ALL men have a thing for redheads? I thought that the standard was blonde!

XnavyDK
XnavyDK

needs the jackarse shirt if I ever seen one. I think Im in he running for the most stupid post though. I think hes in the lead. And I will determinately let him stay that way. I think my opinion of her being gorgeous is tainted though, I have a weakness for redheads.

jck
jck

Instilling a work ethic = telling them to do things "Do as I say, not as I do." Go dad!!! :^0 Now back to Ms. Corr...she's so dreamy :)

jdclyde
jdclyde

I am doing my fatherly duty by instilling in them work ethic! Chores is good for the young'uns! ;\ :D

jck
jck

with which you use your children to facilitate lazyness...then dote about it in a public forum. :p :^0 Oh well...i'm still daydreaming of Ms. Corr. No more time for you :p

jdclyde
jdclyde

ThingOne is outside with the snowblower.... while I am nice and warm, sitting in front of the computer again. Is time for a refill on that coffee. damn, wish my computer room wasn't all the way upstairs.... :( Maybe I can yell for thingTwo to get me some? :D

jck
jck

yes...i discriminate a lot. Otherwise, I'd have 50 kids by now lol Never done a boss...would like to have once, but she was married happily and cool as hell. As for being a homerphobe...nah...i got lots of gay friends. Long as they don't hit on me, I got no issues with em. Now, I'm going back to daydreaming of Ms. Corr and you go back to shovelling snow! :p

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

Some hottie wants to cuddle and rub her boobs on me at work, darmn straight I'm in on that one. Some uggo wants to come near me while I work, that's sexual harassment. one day women will catch on to how we REALLY think.

jdclyde
jdclyde

Sounds like sexual discrimination! You one of them homerphobs we hear talk about? ;\ So, if the female boss wasn't hot, but hot FOR you, no huggie for johnie? :p

jck
jck

if i had a hot, female boss who was into me...she could hug me as MUCH as she wanted. but my boss is a dude...so...he can keep on huggin his wife and i'll keep on huggin myself lol :^0

NickNielsen
NickNielsen

Pity we can't apply mathematical rules and invoke a little exponential decay... B-)

JimInPA
JimInPA

just don't know how big his lips are although with a good pair of pliers and the proper application of force...

JimInPA
JimInPA

but I like yours better :^0

Tig2
Tig2

I was only suggesting that he has "Mattel" stamped on his plastic touche'. I'm thinking Hollywood wannabe. Leather requires creativity. I don't think that this one has any. Pity. I would guess that it doesn't even know any good show tunes. Sorry JD! :D EDIT to fix the usual typo

jdclyde
jdclyde

he had a creepy uncle, and liked it.

jck
jck

Oh dear...flashbacks of growing up in Oklahoma... Calgon...TAKE ME AWAY!!! :^0

NickNielsen
NickNielsen

What day is it and how much 'shine have they had? I bet he can squeal like a pig.... ;)

CharlieSpencer
CharlieSpencer

Each of you should have a couple in your mouth, then proceed directly to the 'Cancer the Crab' astrological symbol.

jdclyde
jdclyde

"doberman. Had to follow it around with a baggie for a week, man......"

jdclyde
jdclyde

Ya know, that isn't such a bad idea! After all, other hunters "bait" their traps, so why wouldn't this work? :0 ]:)

jdclyde
jdclyde

the closest I get to "running" is when I have water running to shave..... ;\ As for poking "insolent n00bz" with sticks, every boy needs a hobby. Try it, you will like it... :D

Oz_Media
Oz_Media

In fact many of the people who agree with me here are the same one's who often disagree and a unch of THEM start in against me too. So what? People that see common ground will agree on a given subject, especially when someone is accusing someone they know of being who they aren't. I HATE, conformity and people who just follow the pack. That isn't the case here, we are against each other on one issue and with each other on another. I've agreed with people who I would normally disagree with, and in the process stood against someone who I would normally agree with. We are indiviuals, not Borg.

boxfiddler
boxfiddler

most all, if not all, of us are at one time or another 'the pot calling the kettle black.'

dcolbert
dcolbert

Oppression is in the eyes of the oppressed, then? I've never claimed to have a lot of problem with being the pot calling the kettle black, though.

santeewelding
santeewelding

As you did (below), as did Toni, as does Tigger, and as I frequently do. Allude is all you can do, unless you want to canvass the entirety of who we all are and how, unto how we all humanely and inhumanely interreact. Until you are able to canvass it all definitively to the satisfaction of some very, very perceptive people here, I suggest you go at it in tentative, retrievable terms; i.e., don't collapse yet into conviction about anything.

Tig2
Tig2

I tend to get irritated by people who just spit ad hominem attacks, regardless of who they are made to. I know and work with Toni and had the comment been made in person, I would have very cheerfully spoken up. The fact is that this jerk went three years back to find a blog that had not been commented on for the express purpose of being rude. The regulars to this party didn't find the comment acceptable and said as much. I am not sure which discussion you are referencing so can't speak to your "My Beach" theory.

dcolbert
dcolbert

Always run around in a pack defending your favorite TechRep writers against insolent n00bz, or is this just a coincidence that in no way proves the "My Beach" theory that I proposed in the Keyboard thread? ...just saaaayin'....

tcavadias
tcavadias Staff

haven't you ever heard of a "choke hold" - two arms wrapped tightly in a hug ;) -Tammy :D

NickNielsen
NickNielsen

If you ask me, he needs a good kick in the...attitude.

tcavadias
tcavadias Staff

..that Toni is (and I can vouch for that having seen her in person) doesn't wish to have any clipping done. :-) Maybe Outfile just needs a hug? ;-) -Tammy :D

Michael Jay
Michael Jay

this part of the thread should dissappear, at least I hope so. TAMMY, OVER HERE, CLIP THIS..

boxfiddler
boxfiddler

Distracted to boot. Never mind. etu

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