On January 2, I was going to post my list of top ten things to expect on January 3, or a list of the ways lunch will forever change in 2012.
But that actually might take some work that I am not inclined to do. So I’ve decided to post my list of top changes to expect in 2012 based on — what else? — my own pet peeves.
One of the reasons Twitter has become so popular is that it is tailor-made for a world that wants to send “email” but never have to respond. Expect common email systems to take out the Reply button altogether. In fact, any mechanism that currently serves back-and-forth communication will be outlawed.
This, in turn, will cause a marked increase in “Long-distance Rage,” a condition that I just made up and that will cause spontaneous head combustion all across the world from people trying to get their jobs done. An interesting side note, however: Microsoft will make a fortune marketing armed carrier pigeons.
On the topic of health, 2012 will see a sharp uptick in people filing disability claims for “Texting thumbs Fatigue.” This happens when thumbs, made hugely musclebound by excessive texting, simply fall off. However, within minutes, Apple will corner the prosthetic thumb market.
Smartphone manufacturers will run out of names for their devices (see: the HP Veer) and be forced to resort to names like the Galaxy Shmalaxy and the Motorola Talk Thingee.
Someone, somewhere will develop a smartphone app that will be so addictive that 87 percent of the world’s population will be squinting into a small screen on December 21 when the Mayan calendar runs out and will miss the end of the world entirely.