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Eight ways geeks would improve the Summer Olympic games

The events of the Summer Olympics aren't quite as interesting as the movies, games, and comics geeks are used to enjoying. Don't worry, we can fix that.

We all enjoy some aspects of the modern Summer Olympic Games, but for geeks weaned on decades of comic book smackdowns, movie chases, and video game gunfights, the Olympics are a bit placid. Below are eight events that geeks could, would, and should spruce up into modern entertainment masterpieces.

1: Archery

Target arrows are so...quaint. After years of debating the ultimate outcome of Hawkeye vs. Green Arrow vs. Legolas, geeks want to see some Olympians square off with boomerang-, boxing glove-, handcuff-, and explosive-tipped arrows. If you can't consistently ensnare, explode, or decapitate a downrange mannequin with an absurd novelty arrow, you don't deserve a medal.

2: Cycling

Tracks will be retrofitted to illuminate the path of each competitor with a unique color. If an opponent crosses the trail you've already "walled," they're...uh...disqualified.

3: Equestrian

One word: jousting.

4: Fencing

In the absence of functional lightsabers (for now), we geeks will simply expand the fencing categories beyond mere foils, sabers, and epees to include katanas, broadswords, scimitars, and claymores. Extra points will be awarded for competitors who invoke the name of Crom.

5: Judo/Taekwondo

Competitors will be issued utility belts with nonlethal weapons -- bolos, small boomerangs, smoke bombs, and so on -- with higher scores awarded for strikes or pins made with these tools. Capes, cowls, and catchphrases optional, but encouraged.

6: Gymnastics

The compulsory routine will be held in an abandoned dockside warehouse as choreographed by Jackie Chan.

7: Shooting

Enough with skeet. Competitors get one duffel bag, four holsters, and three minutes to clear a lobby full of paper targets. Accuracy is paramount, but you get extra points for style. Whoa.

8: Track & Field

When Skynet finally comes online, we'll need Olympian super-warriors to evade and destroy the hunter-killer robot aircraft programmed to terminate all that lives. Sprinting? Now in a zigzag pattern while chased by flying drones. Hurdles? Becomes speed-leaping behind cover to evade flying drones. Relay race? Hand off a shock-hardened thumb-drive without being spotted by flying drones. Pole vault? Now leaping onto the back of an oncoming drone. Shot put, javelin, and hammer throw? Now all about hitting and disabling a flying drone. The Decathlon? Ten different battles against a small fleet of flying drones. Tell me you wouldn't watch that.

Got your own ideas for geekifying the Summer Olympiad, or just care to predict which country would prevail in the above-outlined events? Sixteen days of glory await you in the comments section.

About

Jay Garmon has a vast and terrifying knowledge of all things obscure, obtuse, and irrelevant. One day, he hopes to write science fiction, but for now he'll settle for something stranger -- amusing and abusing IT pros. Read his full profile. You can a...

16 comments
Madsmaddad
Madsmaddad

Getting rid of some of the individual activities such as High jump etc, keep heptathlons where an athlete has to show ability in multiple disciplines, and add Parkour. Rowing uses the whole body, so keep it.

i8thecat4
i8thecat4

Basketball, baseball, ping pong, badmitten, soccer/football, ice hockey, kettling, etc... These are NOT olympic sports!!! Anything "team related", other than a relay, is OUT!!! This is the friggin olympics and it should be all about the athlete (not the friggin team). And stop with the stupid rules about only a certain number from each country and make the games about figuring out who the actual best 3 in in the world are.

Brian.Buydens
Brian.Buydens

I think the examples given above are funny but if you want a real example of geeks in the olympics, I heard a story about how the IOC is using dataming to track online gambling because they are worried that atheletes might be bribed to throw a competition.

snaik95899
snaik95899

How can you not list the Batliff Combat in #4 Fencing ! ! ! I'm not really sure how speed walking can even be considered a real Olympic sport ? ? ? The real Olympic athletes are probably rolling in their graves over that one. How about Paintball, Parrises squares, and Pyramid. I think capture the Flag would be much more exciting to watch than curling. People playing shuffleboard on the ice.....YAWN ! Gold medalists would get to Narftle the Garthok !

tdrane
tdrane

.... watch out for those WWE wrestlers in Yeti suits hidden along the course.

JJMach
JJMach

Each country's team gets issued an identical set of paintball guns and gear. You build a big (camera-covered) combat arena, and let the fun ensue. Every country is proud of their special forces (even the Swiss: look who protects the Pope). I say give them a chance to serve their country in a glorious, but non-lethal way. Of course, it may be the first event where the Olympians are going to all have to be interviewed with their voices altered and faces obscured.

JJMach
JJMach

Forget the little hurdles. I'm thinking chain link fences, culverts, sewer pipes, all the while while a horde of (simulated?) undead is charging after you. Winner is the first to the finish line or last one to fall. "Run For Your Life" gets Olympic recognition. I'm for that. Padded faux weapons will not be issued, but may be found on the course. Actual decapitations will be grounds for disqualification. If you get "taken" you get to join the hunt for your fellow Olympians (heck, let this be the first Olympic event with audience participation!). With all the Olympic events being competed by a group of people that look like they were cloned from each other with occasional tweeks to skin and hair color, I'd love to see a brawler, a cross-country runner, and a sneaky weasel have about the same chance of winning the Gold, given completely different, but equally valid styles of play.

blarman
blarman

Underwater steeplechase: see how quickly a contestant can perform underwater feats like loosening a hatch, dragging a body, or freeing equipment while swimming past obstacles. Think Sphere or The Abyss. Security Hacking: from Stargate to Mission Impossible to Star Wars - not to mention any number of games, no sci-fi flick is worth its salt without the technical specialist - whether it's Carter/McKay or R2D2. Give them an iPad and see how long it takes them to crack the password to a door or hack into a critical system. Improvised combat. Think Road Warrior or MacGuyver. Any way to non-lethally take out your opponent based on materials at hand. Bonuses for extravagant contraptions, distractions, and Rube-Goldberg machines. The Maze. No spaceship is complete without "Jefferies tubes", and navigating them is truly an Olympics-worthy task. Bonuses for repairing the power conduit.

atrue
atrue

How about adding a few events that are closer to the reality of real life such as - an event that would test the abilities of the participants to endure time in front of a tube. Only Mountain Dew/Gatorade/coffee and pizza would be allowed for food. Sleep depredation would be required. Porno viewing, blogging, etc. would be allowed. Last one still going would win.

5lindorr
5lindorr

Everyone knows that the Doctor will be the one actually igniting the Olympic flame, right? Any other person that we see doing it must be a clever hologram to preserve the timeline...

GSG
GSG

Some Irish athlete allegedly bet an exorbitant amount that someone other than him would win. The IOC is investigating.

NickNielsen
NickNielsen

You'll have to wait until 2014 for that...

MCSquaredEqually
MCSquaredEqually

All teams enter the arena after the opening ceremonies. Does not end until only 1 team remains or closing ceremonies.

xangpow
xangpow

"And the MVP for this match goes to player #3 of the German team. Unfortunately, we cant get a interview with him due to international security. Back to you Greg."

Bo Tym
Bo Tym

"Padded faux weapons"? Nah give them the real deal. "being competed by a group of people that look like they were cloned" Nah, use death row inmates hopped up on bath salts. Now we have a real competition, sure to get adrenaline flowing and hearts pounding! (yes this is a little twisted and I'm being completely ridiculous)

xangpow
xangpow

Bonus points for getting the first achiements in the newest games. Unfortunatly, if you die, well sorry but you will be disqualified. Come back as a zombie and you gain major bouns points. ;)