After Hours

Poll: Which sci-fi/fantasy presidential ticket gets your vote?

As much as geeks love binary, there's something to be said for multiplicity of choice. Thus, as the United States girds itself up for yet another traditional two-party Presidential showdown in November, we give you a ballot box-full of fictional alternatives that--if suddenly made real--would likely wipe the floor with any conventional Republican or Democratic ticket. (At least for the geek vote.)

As much as geeks love binary, there's something to be said for multiplicity of choice. Thus, as the United States girds itself up for yet another traditional two-party Presidential showdown in November, we give you a ballot box-full of fictional alternatives that--if suddenly made real--would likely wipe the floor with any conventional Republican or Democratic ticket. While we can't vote for them, we can at least buy their campaign merchandise.

Click to order t-shirtLet's start with our heavy hitter, Colonial President Laura Roslin. She's got the executive experience, the support of the military--as in, the only Battlestar left in the universe--and she's notoriously tough on Cylons. Running on the Capricorn Ticket, she's got her choice of vice presidential candidates, Admiral William Adama or an Airlock. Adama is a hardliner, but the Airlock has a proven record of executing Cylon infiltrators. Either ticket is sure to carry the support of military hawks, Caprican loyalists, and general anti-cybernetic-lifeform conservatives. Her only real weaknesses may come from concerns over her health (she's a cancer survivor) and the dubious records of her former colonial vice presidents, reformed terrorist Tom Zarek and Cylon collaborator Gaius Baltar. Click to order t-shirtNext up is a duo that needs no introduction: Jean-Luc Picard and William T. Riker. Running on the Federation ticket, this pair represents a strong foreign policy choice for 2008, with Picard's impeccable diplomatic credentials (he was an Arbiter of Succession for the Klingon Empire) and Riker's superb military record (he defeated the first Borg invasion). The chink in Picard/Riker's armor is domestic policy, as both have been out exploring strange new worlds since 1987, and neither has much experience in civilian governance. They also aren't running unopposed in their party primary. Click to order bumper stickerThe other duo vying for the Federation ticket is an older, wiser throwback to the late 1960s--James Tiberius Kirk and his erstwhile second, Mr. Spock. With a new, revisionist biopic garnering some Hollywood buzz, now's the perfect time for these two to cash in on their Baby Boomer appeal and combine it with some retro-future fondness from Generation X. However, one wonders whether Kirk's womanizing past and not-unblemished military record (he's been demoted to Captain from Admiral) won't catch up to him, especially with the Spock-endorsed movie unearthing all his sordid youthful dalliances. Still, Kirk's sterling equal rights record along with his various military successes should win him friends on both sides of the aisle, and any misgivings about his cavalier attitudes will be counterbalanced by Spock's unvarnished record of logical pragmatism. Click to order t-shirtConventional wisdom holds that the taller presidential candidate usually wins the election, so the Middle Earth ticket of Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee has a pretty big mountain to climb in the polls. Still, if they could scale Mount Doom, they can probably handle being called out for their height disadvantage. They also have a pretty fair record when it comes to international crises, forming Elven/Dwarven/Human/Hobbit coalitions and refusing to appease Sauron. Additionally, they have many friends in non-proliferation circles after their work in dismantling The One Ring, rather than engaging in an arms race with the forces of Mordor. Clcik to order t-shirtWhile he's come under fire as a flip-flopper for defecting from the Jedi to the Sith party, Darth Vader has all the makings of a strong candidate, especially for those that mark security as the primary election concern. Every terrorist "freedom fighter" should be quaking in his boots at the thought of a commander-in-chief that's willing to scour the galaxy, impound consular vessels, choke out his subordinates, blow up planets, and maim his own son to find and defeat his enemies. (They've since reconciled, with Vader publicly offering Luke Skywalker a place on his ticket.) While he earns failing grades from the ACLU for his disdain for privacy and his expansionist view of executive power, Lord Vader is a household name who could prove to be a classic Darkhorse candidate. leia_for_prez_print.jpgOf course, Vader has some staunch critics, including his own daughter, who is challenging him for the White House. Senator Leia Organa is running on the upstart Rebellion ticket--and the excitement surrounding her campaign has many asking if America is finally ready for a woman President. She is campaigning on a strong reform platform of returning power to the disenfranchised--a position that some consider ironic given that Organa is a Princess of Alderaan. She and Vader have open clashed in the past over issues of security, diplomatic immunity, and Vader blowing up Alderaan. However, her participation in what some consider "terrorist activities" with the Rebel Alliance make many uneasy. As yet, Organa has not chosen a running mate, but the smart money is on the charismatic Han Solo. Click to order t-shirtFor those that tout experience as the most important factor but can't square themselves with Laura Roslin, we offer you another former president, Lex Luthor. Though he was forcibly removed from office by Superman and Batman during his first term, many look back fondly on the Luthor administration, and are willing to give him another (Grover Cleveland-style) non-consecutive shot. His promises of technological advancement, economic prosperity, and crackdowns on illegal (extraterrestrial) aliens have many free market conservatives swooning, despite Luthor's record of corporate corruption and criminal insanity. Luthor's vast wealth will likely allow him to self-finance. Early rumors suggest that Luthor will nominate one of his alternate Earth doppelgangers as a running mate, giving you two Luthors for the price of one. Failing that, the smart money is on Luthor joining forces with his one-time partner, General Zod, who is also mounting a third-party bid for the White House. cthulhu_2008_shirt.jpgDespite what Ron Paul supporters would have you believe, the real small-government candidate in this race is Cthulhu, who is running on the Insanity party platform of radically reducing the federal budget by reducing America to rubble. This dark elder god's plan is to ease Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security expenditures by exterminating vast swaths of the population. Similarly, defense spending--the single largest item in the federal budget--can be feasibly reduced, as there is no defense against Cthulhu. He also views a running mate as an unnecessary expense, given that Cthulhu is immortal, immutable, and unknowable. Thus, he cannot die, cannot be impeached, and can never be removed from office. Take that, tax-and-spend liberals! Click to order bumper stickerFinally, we have a pair of candidates that promises to "magically" restore our faith in democracy, Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape. Running on the Hogwarts ticket with their catchy campaign slogan, "Accio New President," this pair of mysteriously naturalized former British citizens have captured the hearts of millions, thanks to a glowing multi-volume biography by J.K Rowling. While many cite Barack Obama as the premiere orator in the current field, not even he can match Dumbledore's fatherly demeanor and inspiring rhetoric about "confronting evil." Snape often fades into the background during campaign events, but insiders warn not to underestimate his counter-intelligence credentials. Still, there are questions about this pair, with Rowling divulging details of Dumbledore's past that may irk social conservatives, and Snape's associations with dark arts-dealers.

Now, folks, its' time to decide which geek ticket would reign supreme. And if you vote for Other, you better explain who and why in the comments section.

About

Jay Garmon has a vast and terrifying knowledge of all things obscure, obtuse, and irrelevant. One day, he hopes to write science fiction, but for now he'll settle for something stranger -- amusing and abusing IT pros. Read his full profile. You can a...

94 comments
lbrewer42
lbrewer42

It can't be coincindence that Cthulhu and Clinton have the saame amount of letters and both star with C - nothing could be scarier than those horrible 8 years - well...maybe...

boxfiddler
boxfiddler

Master Braetak and General Hammond. Wisdom, diplomacy, patience, and power. Who could ask for anything more? edit: correct 'Hamilton'. Sheesh.

angelman99
angelman99

What about John Sheridan from Babylon 5? And showing my age: The beautiful but ruthless Supreme Commander Servalan from Blakes 7. Let's have another poll and include them hey?

SLSB
SLSB

Dr. Who and Leela - He was the president of Galifray and Leela is good with her hands (and knives). :-)

carflota
carflota

Hmmm... I'm thinking Lazarus Long and DD Harriman. DD can be reconstituted from mortal remains on Earth's moon with with advanced techniques from Time Enough for Love, Job: A Comedy of Justice, etc.

iheatseekeri
iheatseekeri

Jake Green and Robert Hawkins for a new America.... Or (for a small step in the wayback machine) Dr. Forrester and Frank on the "Evil Scientists" ticket. And since I said (wrote) "wayback machine" - Sherman and Peabody on the "Saturday Morning in America" ticket

martian1
martian1

Robert A. Heinlein's Lazarus Long with his "cloned self twins" would be awesome. No nonsense!

413
413

I voted "other," because I think that there were some solid line-ups that these guys missed. Perhaps they didn't poll enough geeks. Anyway... First, there's John Sheridan. Running on the Earth Force ticket, Sheridan has combined a successful military career (having started with one of the few victories against the Boneheads in the Earth-Mimbari war and been instrumental in the defeat of the Shadows) with public service (his work as President of the Earth Alliance was legendary). Potential running mates for Sheridan include Delen, whose leadership skills were demonstrated as commander-in-chief of the Rangers, his second-in-command, Susan Ivanova and his former wife, Anna. All of these combine military and diplomatic experience, though it may be a bit difficult to get Anna to step out of the shadows. -------------------------------- Another strong but overlooked candidate is The Doctor. He also combines great military credentials--handing defeat after defeat to the likes of the Daleks, the Cybermen and the Sulturans--with public service as President of the Time Lords on their homeworld, Gallifrey. In fact, with a track record that extends back over 30 years, you'd have to consider The Doctor to be the veteran of the bunch. Potential running mates include Rose Smith, who overcomes a lack of experience with a strong record of serice; Hadrick, whose remarkable intelligence has made him a force to be reckoned with; Sarah Jane Smith, though she may be a bit difficult to lure into the public eye, as she has gone on to a successful career in planet-saving herself and K-9, whose faithfulness is beyond question. -------------------- Finally, you should never count out dark horse candidate Trevor Goodchild, with the curvaceous Aeon Flux rounding out the Bregna/Monican ticket, though detractors say that Goodchild isn't as trustworthy as he may seem, and Flux has too many failures on her resume to be a serious contender.

bladeofudun
bladeofudun

I can't vote for any of these guys because there is no Honor Harrington/Mike Henke (David Weber's Honor series) or Colin Macintyre/Dahak (also David Weber, but his Empire series) or who I think would be the ultimate prez/vp ticket combo... Data Worf.

Tony Hopkinson
Tony Hopkinson

site again, haven't you? Look no further than Peter Wiggin. No sidekick, indeed, might be a lesson in there somewhere. Laurel & Hardy Abbot and Costello Hale and Pace Cannon & Ball Need I say more...

rrwitham
rrwitham

GO DUMBLEDORE & SNAPE! They won't have much to do since most of what the U.S. stands for has already been reduced to rubble by the present administration. They'll just finish the job.

phillipkwood
phillipkwood

As usual, the standard candidates. What about Hagrid, maybe? Or Dr. Who or Zaphod Beeblebrox? No wait, we already had him.....

greg
greg

Danger Danger Will Robinson How about Will Robinson & Robot OR Robot & Will???

-J.D.
-J.D.

Zaphod Beeblebrox for President!

dbl
dbl

You missed the most obvious choices; the one's with galactic experience: Kim Kinnison and wife Clarissa MacDougal John Sheridan and wife, Delenn

GSG
GSG

I'll write in Zaphod Beeblebrox with Marvin as his VP. Edited because spelling and punctuation is beyond me today.

marph321
marph321

I'm old school the first are the best kirk and spock are the way to go

zendaba
zendaba

But I was also a Kucinich fan...

JosiahB
JosiahB

I'm going with Mal Reynolds, plenty of options for running mate but hes got the ultimate secretary of defense in Jayne Cobb!

dsimp
dsimp

Come on really.. Kirk Always wins in the end.

brian.mills
brian.mills

...Brigadier General Jack Oneill? He's saved the world (and the entire galaxy) how many times? He's taken on corrupt congressmen and secret government organizations, and he's never backed down, no matter how bleak the outlook is. For a running mate I'd probably go with Daniel Jackson, if nothing else than for his knowledge of other cultures. Teal'c might be a good choice as well, though his skills might be better used as Secretary of Defense...

Histrion2
Histrion2

I'm voting for a Doctor/Lethbridge-Stewart ticket. Nobody does inspiring rhetoric better than the Doctor, and while he's proven himself to be tough on crime, those who would accuse him of leaning left on social policy would certainly come around with the Brigadier as his running mate balancing the ticket!

seanferd
seanferd

The Administration of Slack will get us where we need to go. Failing that, I would vote Ctulhu. The Darkness would be out in the open, with no illusions about what we are getting for our vote. Now, if the Scummy One were running...

HAL 9000
HAL 9000

While Riker/Jean-Luc Picard or Spock/Kirk may be running from the Federation Party what about Q? Q was always Jean-Luc Picard ultimate Enemy who remained undefeated. Q even beats Darth Vader as he's far more powerful and scarier. Col

The Scummy One
The Scummy One

Who wouldnt want Vader??? I mean really, if you vote against him, you may just choke to death! Nobody would F**k with us while he was in power (forever), and we would have the benefit of Death Star technology.

NickNielsen
NickNielsen

They united an entire planet against a common enemy. Surely they can't fail with only 50 states, especially with the dragons as enforcers...

chiona
chiona

Personally, I'd go with an Aragorn/Gandolf ticket. Proven leadership and wisdom with that one.

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