After Hours

Star Trek pick-up lines that never landed me a date

Edmond Woychowsky shares the one-liners about tribbles, Harry Mudd, and Pon farr that he considered using in his younger days to woo the elusive female geek.

I've been a geek and a Star Trek fan since before it was popular. In those dark days, the jocks got all the girls, but it didn't really bother me too much because I knew something that the jocks didn't — they were redshirts. I just needed to wait for the right moment, for example, when the jock showed how the monster worked, swoop in, defeat the monster with my superior brain power, and my adolescent fantasies kind of petered out at that point. I ended up going with a different approach.

I heard about pick-up lines from some mature magazines (which, of course, I only read for the articles), and I decided to develop some of my own to try on the elusive geek girl. Looking back, there were a number of rejects, including, "Would you like to pet my tribble?" The best that I could have hoped for with that line would have been outright laughter — the worst would have been a slap. Perhaps "I've lost my tribble, and I need help finding it" would have worked better.

I suppose that my favorite would be asking a female, "How long have you known Harry Mudd?" When she replied that she didn't know Harry, then I would say, "I didn't know it was possible for anyone to be that beautiful without the Venus Drug."

Another line that I like involves cosplay, specifically dressing as a Vulcan. I'd then walk up to a young lady and proceed to tell her, with my emotions suppressed, "I am in the beginning stages of Pon farr, and I need your assistance." Fortunately, the spirit gum I used to attach my Vulcan ears wasn't so strong that my real ears would get ripped off too when she yanked off my pointy ears.

After healing from the previous attempt, I could have tried to show my cultured side and ask the girl if she was interested in attending an opera as my guest. Then being suave and sophisticated, I could always ask, "Would you like to see my bat'leth collection?"

Now let's assume (and this is a big assumption) that the relationship proceeded to the next step: actual physical contact. I had a line for this eventuality, "Did the earth move for you, or are we sitting on a Horta?" By now, the female would have realized that I was a hopeless Star Trek fan or at least the village idiot and not kill me, though she might when I quote the Horta, "NO KILL I."

The Pon Farr line is the only one that I actually tried, and I stopped when she gave a blank stare.

Perhaps if I could have read Captain Kirk's Guide to Women (though it was released in 2008) and dabbed on some Tiberius Cologne, my luck would have been different in high school.

Although being a Trekkie eventually worked out because my first date with my wife was to see a Star Trek movie. I asked her to go with me three months before the film came out, which she found odd for some reason.

What are the geekiest lines you have tried on a potential love interest, and how did they go over? Have you ever suggested a game of Klingon Boggle, invited a date to a science-fiction convention, or said I love you in binary or Klingon? Please share — you're among friends.

Photo credit for both images: The Official Star Trek Store.

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