11. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Written by Shatner. Directed by Shatner. It’s a big pile of Shatner. This was supposed to be the capstone to the big-screen Trek enterprise, at least for the original crew, wherein they went searching for God. Literally. On a god-planet. That nobody can go to except it’s easy to get there. Oh, and Spock suddenly has a brother, who’s a space-televangelist. And we learn McCoy killed his dad. And Uhura has the hots for Scotty. And Jim Kirk wants his pain. He needs his pain! Apparently, the actor playing Kirk thought we all needed his pain, too, creating the film against which all badness is measured.
10. Star Trek: Nemesis
A movie so bland it forced Paramount to reboot the franchise, Nemesis wants to be Wrath of Khan so badly it’s pathetic. Turns out the Romulans have inbred vampire cousins named Remans (outcasts like Khan’s crew), and they’re led by a deus ex machina clone of Capt. Picard (as in, an evil but equal version of the good guy, just like Khan) who just happens to have a deus ex machina clone of Data and some deus ex machina Romulan version of the Death Star (as in, Khan’s stolen Genesis device). The bad guy will stop at nothing to kill the captain of the Enterprise despite what his lackeys say (just like Khan). Said captain’s best friend has to die to save the ship, but they leave a gapingly obvious plot device to bring him back, so the death has no impact (just like Khan, only far worse). It’s all tired, derivative, and uninspired. But at least Riker and Troi finally get married.
9. Star Trek: The Motion Picture
When fans of 2001: A Space Odyssey think your eye-candy effects sequences go on too long, you know there’s a problem. The film’s villain is actually a great gaseous typo who believes that the USS Enterprise is a kindred techno-being infested with unnecessary, distracting human parasites. Unfortunately, the movie’s screenwriters and director had the same opinion, so we got lots of long shots of the ship and its enemy counterpart, V’ger, but precious little time spent with the crew we know and love. For a series that emphasized the human condition, Star Trek’s first movie was cold, pedantic, listless, and dull.
8. Star Trek: Generations
At long last, Kirk meets Picard — and they face off with the bad guy from A Clockwork Orange! Too bad the story is as dumb as bag of old fruit. The plot (as such) is composed of spare parts from The Next Generation’s TV run, with Data’s years-long quest for emotions, Worf’s career, Guinan’s origins, the Klingon civil war, and Picard’s family drama all wrapped up in unsatisfying side stories that add up to nothing. Oh, and the central plot device of the film — a timewarp of giddiness called The Nexus — works only because the main characters are idiots. You can’t fly a ship into The Nexus because it’ll blow up the ship? But isn’t that how Dr. Soren got there in the first place? And who cares if the ship blows up so long as you get to where you’re going? And if you leave The Nexus, you can go anywhere, anywhen, so why does Picard jump back to a time when Soren already has the advantage, rather than go back to, say, a week ago when he had a full security detail and just arrest the jerk? (And why doesn’t Kirk go back to his time and stop Soren then, and also pick up where his life left off?) This is why Trekkies can’t have nice things.
7. Star Trek: Insurrection
Perhaps the most forgettable Trek movie, and considering that most of the action involves Brent Spiner singing Gilbert and Sullivan showtunes while F. Murray Abraham struts around demanding a space-energy facelift (seriously), that’s quite a feat. Apparently, Starfleet has abandoned the Prime Directive in order to steal (yet another) galactic Fountain of Youth, and Team Picard has to stop them, because no other ship in the fleet has a crew with moral authority. Other than the in-jokes about Worf’s time on Deep Space Nine, the film has few redeeming or appalling qualities. It’s just sort of…there. Apathy et al.
6. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
Finally, Team Kirk gets to fight the Klingons on the big screen, but then our antagonist is a ridged-forehead version Doc Brown from Back to the Future (and his sidekick is actually Dan from Night Court, but you’d never know it through the makeup). The film’s entire plot is about undoing everything that happened in Star Trek II, including unkilling Spock — who, despite being one of the two most popular Star Trek characters, is almost entirely absent from the film — then unmaking Planet Genesis and unintroducing Kirk’s son. Even destroying the USS Enterprise can’t disguise the fact that the entire film is one giant retraction, and a slipshod one at that.