After Hours

The Top 12 Comic Book Superweapons

It being Halloween season when kids of all ages dress up in their favorite ego-fantasy outfits, I looked back at the objects d'geek that fueled my own youthful ambitions and dreams: Comic Book Superweapons! But, which to choose? Based on my years of geekish research, below is the ranked list of the ultimate wish-fulfillment comic book weapons: Inifinity gauntlet#1 The Infinity Gauntlet - A big poncy glove that turns you into God Pros: Grants omnipotence Cons: No commensurate omniscience. Bearer becomes target of every major figure in the Marvel Comics universe. No one has ever successfully kept it. Tacky Power Gem color scheme clashes with everything. You'll inevitably be charged with a task even omnipotence can't perform: Making third-rate characters like Adam WarlockPip the Troll, and Drax the Destroyer cool. Cosmic cube#2 Cosmic Cube - What happens when Steve Jobs designs super-villain weaponry, it's a clear plastic box that holds reality-warping Kirby Dots. Pros: Can convert thoughts into reality, mimicking omnipotence. Cons: Eventually becomes sentient and warps the wielder's mind. Sought by serious baddies including Thanos, the Red Skull, and Dr. Doom (who all will find out you've got one). Leads to lame crossover events. Green Lantern ring#3 Green Lantern Power Ring - The only accessory that de Beers is scared of, it converts your will power into pure green pwnage. Pros: Can create any type of object or energy of which you can conceive. Linked into an AI network designed by the Guardians of the Universe. Can communicate with an army of similarly powered space police. Will seek out a new wielder after you're dead. Cons: Occasionally vulnerable to the color yellow or to fear (sometimes both). Requires regular recharge from an external power battery. Wielding it makes you a member of the Green Lantern Corps until you die or are expelled (sometimes both), which includes all the usual military hassles. Owning one automatically makes you a death enemy of Sinestro, who will eventually and repeatedly kick your butt. Ultimate Nullifier#4 The Ultimate Nullifier - The supreme weapon of mass destruction Pros: Can destroy anything, including nigh-omnipotent worldeaters. Violates Law of Conservation of Mass. Cons: Likely to destroy its wielder. Ticks off Galactus. Looks suspiciously like some sort of rock-climbing pulley. Confuses even Reed Richards, which means the odds of a normal schmoe like you figuring it out are longer than Shaquille O'Neal's inseam. Mjolnir#5 Mjolnir (Hammer of Thor) - The only comic book weapon that is actually, you know, a weapon. Pros: Controls weather. Opens pan-dimensional portals. Flies like a boomerang (no, really). Confers super-strength, flight, immortality, and invulnerability upon its wielder. Cons: Can only be wielded by the worthy (Read: Not you). When used, turns you into the world's least fashionable Minnesota Vikings fan. Darkseid#6 The Anti-Life Equation - Proof that algebra can kill you, this evil equation "proves" that life is meaningless Pros: Allows you to control all sentient life exposed to the equation Cons: Requires "12th-Level Intellect" to comprehend, which is way more the an 800 math SAT. Makes you a target of Darkseid. Likely to drive you insane. Other heroes and villains will mock you once it's known your secret weapon is the world's scariest math problem.

Metron#7 Mother Box - The tricorder meets the genie lamp, it's a super-science pseudo-mystical PDA Pros: Omniscient scanning device. Advisory AI. Energy manipulation. Instant healing. Teleportation. Unconditional love (seriously). Cons: Speaks only in pings. Has mind of its own. Can't be used for evil. Self-destructs when owner dies. Used as a crutch by lazy writers (See: Deus ex machina). No USB port. Witchblade#8 The Witchblade - A chunk of living mystical armor that adapts to any threat except conservative dress codes. Pros: Can create swords, shields, armor and even wings to match any demonic or mortal threat. Advises you based on experience of previous wielders. Heals even fatal wounds. Reanimates the dead. Allows limited telepathy. Cons: Can only be used by women. Blows arms off people who aren't worthy (Read: dudes). Known to throw temper tantrums when ignored (it is a girly weapon). Shreds clothing when activated, and likes its wielder nearly naked. Only cool when drawn by Michael Turner. Gem of Cyttorak#9 Crimson Gem of Cyttorak - Can confer nigh-invincibility and superstrength upon its owner. Pros: Turns wielder into The Juggernaut, complete with unstoppable momentum and invincible armor that can resist psychic attacks. Cons: This is what the armor looks like. You're also the Juggernaut until you die, so get used to being 8'6" and 500 lbs. The X-Men are required to kick your butt on a regular basis, except when Thor, The Hulk, and/or Spider-man call dibs. Dr. Fate#10 Helm of Nabu - It's like having the whole of Hogwarts in a metal hat, only geekier Pros: Grants wearer the power of Dr. Fate, the greatest sorcerer in all the DC Universe. Can access knowledge of every mystical spell ever written. Protects your head. Cons: Forces you to hear the will of Nabu, a pain-in-the-butt Lord of Order who expects you to do good and live up to his rep. Being Dr. Fate makes you the target of every Lord of Chaos, demon, and mystical dim-wit in all known dimensions. Everyone who has ever been Dr. Fate has been killed, usually in bizarre fashion. Helmet is super-dorky. Ex Machina#11 The 'Ex Machina' Device - An alien device that rearranges your face into a master of all machines Pros: Grants 'recipient' power to speak with and command machines, as well as inspires him with designs for super-futuristic technology like ray guns and jet packs. Cons: Machine explodes upon human contact, embedding portions of itself in your skin and leaving you disfigured. Can only let you talk to machines, not necessarily control them, so you might get lied to by your toaster. Occasionally drives your friends insane, turning them into homicidal maniacs. Jimmy Olsen's Signal Watch#12 Jimmy Olsen's Signal Watch - Stylish timepiece that makes Superman your personal bodyguard Pros: Emits a hypersonic distress signal that sends Superman running to your aid, thereby ensuring that anybody bothering you gets pounded by the world's greatest superhero (take that, Soup Nazi). Cons: You automatically become the second most likely victim of supervillains looking to "get Superman's attention," right after Lois Lane. You get a rep for being "Superman's pal."

Honorable mentions:

  • The Eradicator - Impersonates Superman, destroys planets, builds Fortresses of Solitude—too bad it's insane.
  • The Starheart - The next best thing to a Green Lantern Ring, except it's vulnerable to wood.
  • Phantom Zone Projector - Exile anyone or anything to a formless prison dimension...from which pretty much everyone eventually escapes.
  • Worlogog (AKA The Philosopher's Stone) - A working scale model of the entire spacetime continuum..that's so complicated only New Gods and hyperfuturistic androids can use it.
  • The Mobius Chair - A Mother Box with the addition of interdimensional teleportation abilities and, uh, a seat...that's custom-made for (and booby trapped by) the most morally ambiguous immortal in all of comicdom, Metron. Plus, green? Ewwww.

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About

Jay Garmon has a vast and terrifying knowledge of all things obscure, obtuse, and irrelevant. One day, he hopes to write science fiction, but for now he'll settle for something stranger — amusing and abusing IT pros. Read his full profile. You can a...

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