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The Top 12 Comic Book Superweapons


It being Halloween season when kids of all ages dress up in their favorite ego-fantasy outfits, I looked back at the objects d'geek that fueled my own youthful ambitions and dreams: Comic Book Superweapons! But, which to choose? Based on my years of geekish research, below is the ranked list of the ultimate wish-fulfillment comic book weapons: Inifinity gauntlet#1 The Infinity Gauntlet - A big poncy glove that turns you into God Pros: Grants omnipotence Cons: No commensurate omniscience. Bearer becomes target of every major figure in the Marvel Comics universe. No one has ever successfully kept it. Tacky Power Gem color scheme clashes with everything. You'll inevitably be charged with a task even omnipotence can't perform: Making third-rate characters like Adam WarlockPip the Troll, and Drax the Destroyer cool. Cosmic cube#2 Cosmic Cube - What happens when Steve Jobs designs super-villain weaponry, it's a clear plastic box that holds reality-warping Kirby Dots. Pros: Can convert thoughts into reality, mimicking omnipotence. Cons: Eventually becomes sentient and warps the wielder's mind. Sought by serious baddies including Thanos, the Red Skull, and Dr. Doom (who all will find out you've got one). Leads to lame crossover events. Green Lantern ring#3 Green Lantern Power Ring - The only accessory that de Beers is scared of, it converts your will power into pure green pwnage. Pros: Can create any type of object or energy of which you can conceive. Linked into an AI network designed by the Guardians of the Universe. Can communicate with an army of similarly powered space police. Will seek out a new wielder after you're dead. Cons: Occasionally vulnerable to the color yellow or to fear (sometimes both). Requires regular recharge from an external power battery. Wielding it makes you a member of the Green Lantern Corps until you die or are expelled (sometimes both), which includes all the usual military hassles. Owning one automatically makes you a death enemy of Sinestro, who will eventually and repeatedly kick your butt. Ultimate Nullifier#4 The Ultimate Nullifier - The supreme weapon of mass destruction Pros: Can destroy anything, including nigh-omnipotent worldeaters. Violates Law of Conservation of Mass. Cons: Likely to destroy its wielder. Ticks off Galactus. Looks suspiciously like some sort of rock-climbing pulley. Confuses even Reed Richards, which means the odds of a normal schmoe like you figuring it out are longer than Shaquille O'Neal's inseam. Mjolnir#5 Mjolnir (Hammer of Thor) - The only comic book weapon that is actually, you know, a weapon. Pros: Controls weather. Opens pan-dimensional portals. Flies like a boomerang (no, really). Confers super-strength, flight, immortality, and invulnerability upon its wielder. Cons: Can only be wielded by the worthy (Read: Not you). When used, turns you into the world's least fashionable Minnesota Vikings fan. Darkseid#6 The Anti-Life Equation - Proof that algebra can kill you, this evil equation "proves" that life is meaningless Pros: Allows you to control all sentient life exposed to the equation Cons: Requires "12th-Level Intellect" to comprehend, which is way more the an 800 math SAT. Makes you a target of Darkseid. Likely to drive you insane. Other heroes and villains will mock you once it's known your secret weapon is the world's scariest math problem.

Metron#7 Mother Box - The tricorder meets the genie lamp, it's a super-science pseudo-mystical PDA Pros: Omniscient scanning device. Advisory AI. Energy manipulation. Instant healing. Teleportation. Unconditional love (seriously). Cons: Speaks only in pings. Has mind of its own. Can't be used for evil. Self-destructs when owner dies. Used as a crutch by lazy writers (See: Deus ex machina). No USB port. Witchblade#8 The Witchblade - A chunk of living mystical armor that adapts to any threat except conservative dress codes. Pros: Can create swords, shields, armor and even wings to match any demonic or mortal threat. Advises you based on experience of previous wielders. Heals even fatal wounds. Reanimates the dead. Allows limited telepathy. Cons: Can only be used by women. Blows arms off people who aren't worthy (Read: dudes). Known to throw temper tantrums when ignored (it is a girly weapon). Shreds clothing when activated, and likes its wielder nearly naked. Only cool when drawn by Michael Turner. Gem of Cyttorak#9 Crimson Gem of Cyttorak - Can confer nigh-invincibility and superstrength upon its owner. Pros: Turns wielder into The Juggernaut, complete with unstoppable momentum and invincible armor that can resist psychic attacks. Cons: This is what the armor looks like. You're also the Juggernaut until you die, so get used to being 8'6" and 500 lbs. The X-Men are required to kick your butt on a regular basis, except when Thor, The Hulk, and/or Spider-man call dibs. Dr. Fate#10 Helm of Nabu - It's like having the whole of Hogwarts in a metal hat, only geekier Pros: Grants wearer the power of Dr. Fate, the greatest sorcerer in all the DC Universe. Can access knowledge of every mystical spell ever written. Protects your head. Cons: Forces you to hear the will of Nabu, a pain-in-the-butt Lord of Order who expects you to do good and live up to his rep. Being Dr. Fate makes you the target of every Lord of Chaos, demon, and mystical dim-wit in all known dimensions. Everyone who has ever been Dr. Fate has been killed, usually in bizarre fashion. Helmet is super-dorky. Ex Machina#11 The 'Ex Machina' Device - An alien device that rearranges your face into a master of all machines Pros: Grants 'recipient' power to speak with and command machines, as well as inspires him with designs for super-futuristic technology like ray guns and jet packs. Cons: Machine explodes upon human contact, embedding portions of itself in your skin and leaving you disfigured. Can only let you talk to machines, not necessarily control them, so you might get lied to by your toaster. Occasionally drives your friends insane, turning them into homicidal maniacs. Jimmy Olsen's Signal Watch#12 Jimmy Olsen's Signal Watch - Stylish timepiece that makes Superman your personal bodyguard Pros: Emits a hypersonic distress signal that sends Superman running to your aid, thereby ensuring that anybody bothering you gets pounded by the world's greatest superhero (take that, Soup Nazi). Cons: You automatically become the second most likely victim of supervillains looking to "get Superman's attention," right after Lois Lane. You get a rep for being "Superman's pal."

Honorable mentions:

  • The Eradicator - Impersonates Superman, destroys planets, builds Fortresses of Solitude--too bad it's insane.
  • The Starheart - The next best thing to a Green Lantern Ring, except it's vulnerable to wood.
  • Phantom Zone Projector - Exile anyone or anything to a formless prison dimension...from which pretty much everyone eventually escapes.
  • Worlogog (AKA The Philosopher's Stone) - A working scale model of the entire spacetime continuum..that's so complicated only New Gods and hyperfuturistic androids can use it.
  • The Mobius Chair - A Mother Box with the addition of interdimensional teleportation abilities and, uh, a seat...that's custom-made for (and booby trapped by) the most morally ambiguous immortal in all of comicdom, Metron. Plus, green? Ewwww.

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About

Jay Garmon has a vast and terrifying knowledge of all things obscure, obtuse, and irrelevant. One day, he hopes to write science fiction, but for now he'll settle for something stranger -- amusing and abusing IT pros. Read his full profile. You can a...

13 comments
Dr_Zinj
Dr_Zinj

Like, who cares what the Anti-Life Equation is? After all, we have the Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. It's 42. (And so was I, 6 years ago.)

ComputerGeek328
ComputerGeek328

I can't argue with the Top Three. However, is this Top Ten mianly focusing on the DC and Marvel universes? If it's open to all others, then let us not forget about Lion-O's Sword of Omens(Eye of Thundera), He-Man's Sword of Power and She-Ra's Sword of Honor.

Eddie N
Eddie N

And who wouldn't want to be 8'6" and weigh 500 pounds? Imagine what damage you'd do in the NBA. Shaq would look like Tattoo next to you.

darkside
darkside

What about Leelu from The Fifth Element? She was supposed to be the ultimate weapon. The whole movie is a comic bookish kind of thing, and it's basically derived from the comic book Valerian. Would the X-Men or Hulk or Spidey films not be considered comic book? I mean, if I had to have a super-weapon, I'd want it (or her) to look like Milla Jovovich. Hell, if I had a robot sidekick, she'd be Motoko Kusinagi.

Trav62
Trav62

Maybe I'm showing my age, but I'd think Ibis' Ibistick would at least make Honorable Mention! Maybe it didn't make the cut since it really isn't known if anyone other than Ibis can use it...?

carareynolds
carareynolds

Jimmy Olsen's watch??? Are you serious? This is so, so wrong. Might as well have listed the freakin' bat phone. And I'm with khigh, ignoring the adamantium claws = shocking oversight. Otherwise, nice list. Green lantern power ring is my personal fave. Weapon AND snazzy fashion accessory. Woo hoo!

CharlieSpencer
CharlieSpencer

They aren't in the same league with any of that omnipotent Kirby crapola, but they sure are cooler looking than anything on the list. Kirby constantly reinvented the same godlike beings in a variety of formats: Asgard, Eternals, New Gods, etc. Only Thor and his buddies are worth reading. The problem with gods as continuing characters is it becomes difficult to write opponents for the morally correct ones, and difficult to believe when heroes defeat the corrupt ones.

khigh
khigh

I am also at a total loss to come up with even one item to replace those listed. My only quibble is actually with Marvel. It has always irritated me that their rendition of Thor (and by default Mjolnir) is almost nothing like Norse mythology. On the other hand, one of my all time favorite comic heroes is a Thor spin-off. Namely the much less powerful every-man hero Thunderstrike!

MrHForrd
MrHForrd

the Miracle Machine, from the Legion of Super Heroes? Pro: Capable of transforming thoughts into reality Con: Can be taken out by a guy with a healthy appetite and strong choppers.

khigh
khigh

goes to Palmetto. While I agree they are the possibly the coolest looking superhero weapon, they don't hold up to the items on the list. It's the fact that Wolverine wields them that makes them work. The items that made the list are pretty much powers unto themselves, asuming you are actually capable of using them. I will agree that Jimmy Olsen's watch is exceedingly lame.

wrw70433
wrw70433

I'd have to include Gungnir (Odin's Spear)& Stormbreaker (Beta Ray Bill's hammer) to go along with Thor's hammer. I'd also include Ironman's armor. Others of note, though not as powerful as most of the ones listed: Batman's really cool gadgets or the Batmobile. I know technically the Batmobile isn't a weapon, but it can be used as one. Spidey's web shooters Cable's body slide gadget and guns Cap's shield Wonder Woman's laso

C6S
C6S

Phoenix force. I'll eat your sun.

CharlieSpencer
CharlieSpencer

Loki commissioned a hammer for Storm in an X-Men / X-Babies annuals crossover. While Beta Ray Bill took his to protect his people, I don't know what became of Storm's. Yet another leftover mutant plot thread?

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