#7 Mother Box - The tricorder meets the genie lamp, it's a super-science pseudo-mystical PDA Pros: Omniscient scanning device. Advisory AI. Energy manipulation. Instant healing. Teleportation. Unconditional love (seriously). Cons: Speaks only in pings. Has mind of its own. Can't be used for evil. Self-destructs when owner dies. Used as a crutch by lazy writers (See: Deus ex machina). No USB port. #8 The Witchblade - A chunk of living mystical armor that adapts to any threat except conservative dress codes. Pros: Can create swords, shields, armor and even wings to match any demonic or mortal threat. Advises you based on experience of previous wielders. Heals even fatal wounds. Reanimates the dead. Allows limited telepathy. Cons: Can only be used by women. Blows arms off people who aren't worthy (Read: dudes). Known to throw temper tantrums when ignored (it is a girly weapon). Shreds clothing when activated, and likes its wielder nearly naked. Only cool when drawn by Michael Turner. #9 Crimson Gem of Cyttorak - Can confer nigh-invincibility and superstrength upon its owner. Pros: Turns wielder into The Juggernaut, complete with unstoppable momentum and invincible armor that can resist psychic attacks. Cons: This is what the armor looks like. You're also the Juggernaut until you die, so get used to being 8'6" and 500 lbs. The X-Men are required to kick your butt on a regular basis, except when Thor, The Hulk, and/or Spider-man call dibs. #10 Helm of Nabu - It's like having the whole of Hogwarts in a metal hat, only geekier Pros: Grants wearer the power of Dr. Fate, the greatest sorcerer in all the DC Universe. Can access knowledge of every mystical spell ever written. Protects your head. Cons: Forces you to hear the will of Nabu, a pain-in-the-butt Lord of Order who expects you to do good and live up to his rep. Being Dr. Fate makes you the target of every Lord of Chaos, demon, and mystical dim-wit in all known dimensions. Everyone who has ever been Dr. Fate has been killed, usually in bizarre fashion. Helmet is super-dorky. #11 The 'Ex Machina' Device - An alien device that rearranges your face into a master of all machines Pros: Grants 'recipient' power to speak with and command machines, as well as inspires him with designs for super-futuristic technology like ray guns and jet packs. Cons: Machine explodes upon human contact, embedding portions of itself in your skin and leaving you disfigured. Can only let you talk to machines, not necessarily control them, so you might get lied to by your toaster. Occasionally drives your friends insane, turning them into homicidal maniacs. #12 Jimmy Olsen's Signal Watch - Stylish timepiece that makes Superman your personal bodyguard Pros: Emits a hypersonic distress signal that sends Superman running to your aid, thereby ensuring that anybody bothering you gets pounded by the world's greatest superhero (take that, Soup Nazi). Cons: You automatically become the second most likely victim of supervillains looking to "get Superman's attention," right after Lois Lane. You get a rep for being "Superman's pal."
- The Eradicator - Impersonates Superman, destroys planets, builds Fortresses of Solitude—too bad it's insane.
- The Starheart - The next best thing to a Green Lantern Ring, except it's vulnerable to wood.
- Phantom Zone Projector - Exile anyone or anything to a formless prison dimension...from which pretty much everyone eventually escapes.
- Worlogog (AKA The Philosopher's Stone) - A working scale model of the entire spacetime continuum..that's so complicated only New Gods and hyperfuturistic androids can use it.
- The Mobius Chair - A Mother Box with the addition of interdimensional teleportation abilities and, uh, a seat...that's custom-made for (and booby trapped by) the most morally ambiguous immortal in all of comicdom, Metron. Plus, green? Ewwww.
Jay Garmon has a vast and terrifying knowledge of all things obscure, obtuse, and irrelevant. One day, he hopes to write science fiction, but for now he'll settle for something stranger — amusing and abusing IT pros. Read his full profile. You can also follow him on his personal blog.