After Hours

This just in: Black holes don't exist!

According to this article on New Scientist, some astrophysicists have put forth a radical new theory that would explain the longstanding quantum mysteries of dark energy, dark matter, and gamma ray bursts, but would also prove that black holes don't exist! (It would also screw up one of my old Geek Trivia columns, but that's a small price to pay. Compared to this, even the discovery of liquid water on a Saturnian moon seems pedestrian.)

I'm not an astrophysicist, but as well as I can follow, the theory goes

something like this: When a star collapses into what we thought was a

black hole—violating all kinds of quantum mechanics in a way that can

only be justified with the technically unsatisfying "quantum

singularity" tag—the surface of the star actually takes on some rare

attributes of crystal superconductors. The star forms an outer shell

where all quantum motion slows down to a near-stop, looking for all the

world like a black hole with an event horizon that stops time. But

quantum motion isn't stopped, it's just moving so slowly we can't

perceive it. This solves the whole "black holes break time" problem in

quantum mechanics.

Inside the star shell is a matter vacuum filled instead with bizarre

energies. The physicists call this a "dark energy star." All the matter

that falls into the dark energy star passes through the shell and is

converted into something new—antigravity!

These stars now pump out the accelerating force that is making galaxies

move away from each other, precisely counter to what we'd expect if

gravity was merely slowing or reversing the outward force of the Big

Bang. This completely explains the Hubble Expansion.

It also is a more rational explanation for what happens to energy and

matter that drops into a black hole. Instead of the "disappears from

our universe" excuse that breaks the basic rule of "no matter is ever

created or destroyed, merely changed" rule, matter and energy are changed into antigravity.

Finally, based on the physicists' math, it's very likely that

super-small versions of these hypermassive dark energy stars were

formed shortly after the Big Bang, thus accounting for all the

undetected "dark matter" that must exist for all the observed

gravitational behavior of galaxies to be explained. The universe is

brimming with hidden stars, holding galaxies together while pushing the

universe apart—and solving all the bizarre problems that the

placeholder idea of a "black hole" could never address. I sure hope an

idea this cool turns out to be right!


Jay Garmon has a vast and terrifying knowledge of all things obscure, obtuse, and irrelevant. One day, he hopes to write science fiction, but for now he'll settle for something stranger — amusing and abusing IT pros. Read his full profile. You can a...

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