Five more snarky remarks Steve Jobs could have made, if asked

Steve Jobs issued a verbal smackdown of Apple competitors on Monday. Since he was being so candid, here are five questions I would have liked to asked Steve, and a stab at how he might have answered.

Steve Jobs was on a roll when he made a surprise appearance on Apple's quarterly earnings call on October 18 and unleashed a verbal smackdown on Android, BlackBerry, 7-inch tablets, and Google's claims of "openness."

After his prepared remarks, Jobs also stuck around for the Q&A and dropped a few more zingers. Since Steve was on such a roll and was being so candid, it's too bad that there weren't journalists around to ask him some pointed questions on a few juicy topics.

Here are the five questions I would have liked to have asked him. And, based on Steve's forthcoming mood during the call as well as some of his past remarks, here are my (slightly tongue-in-cheek) predictions for how he would have answered them.

Question 1: Will Android do to iPhone what Windows did to Mac?

What Steve could have said:

"You're totally thinking about this the wrong way. The smartphone market is not the PC market, and people don't buy things for the same reasons they did two decades ago. That's why they're buying so many more of our products.

"People just want their technology to work. They don't care about CPU speeds, or operating systems, or 'openness.' They just want to do really cool things, like Facetime. People buy Android phones for one of two reasons: 1.) They can't get a good AT&T connection in their area, or 2.) They have no taste."

Question 2: Will Windows Phone 7 steal iPhone market share?

What Steve could have said:

"First, we would like to welcome Microsoft back to the mobile market. We were starting to wonder if they were going to come back at all. Second, Microsoft is not innovating with Windows Phone 7. They're simply imitating iPhone. This is what they do best. Unfortunately for them, this time the developers are on our side. And even Microsoft doesn't have enough money to throw at all of the developers to get them to build apps for an inferior platform."

Question 3: Are you worried the iPhone 4 cracked-screen issue could turn into another Antennagate?

What Steve could have said:

"The so-called 'antennagate' was a creation of the media. People love the iPhone 4. It's the best phone we've ever made. As we've demonstrated, it doesn't have any more antenna issues than any of the other leading smartphones. As for this cracked screen issue, if you drop your phone on the concrete, it's going to break — no matter what kind of phone you have. People need to be more careful with their phones."

Question 4: What do you say to people who claim the iPad isn't good for creating content?

What Steve could have said:

"We've been in the computer business for a long time and we've learned that 80% of people just aren't very interesting. They don't need to create that much content, because when they do, most it isn't very good. The iPad actually saves them from themselves because it keeps them from creating a bunch of useless stuff that no one else wants to read."

Question 5: The enterprise has long ignored Apple, why will the iPad be any different?

What Steve could have said:

"As I've mentioned before, I've always hated the way the buying process works in the enterprise because the people who buy the products aren't the ones who actually use the products. That's changing. Now, workers are putting pressure on their IT departments and telling them which products to purchase. Some people are even buying their own computers and smartphones when they don't like the ones they get from the company. And, according to our internal research, when they have a choice, 95.8% of the business workers who actually have any taste choose our products over the competition."

Disclaimer: We realize that the Internet does not have a sense of humor and some of you will take this literally even though it is an obvious attempt at humor and we've clearly marked it as such. We fully expect some of you to claim that you were misled by this article into thinking that these were Steve's actual words. Of course, if you're reading this disclaimer then you're probably not one of them.

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Jason Hiner is Editor in Chief of TechRepublic and Long Form Editor of ZDNet. He writes about the people, products, and ideas changing how we live and work in the 21st century. He's co-author of the book, Follow the Geeks.

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