Networking optimize

The alternative Geek-Speak glossary

What are geeks really saying when they use technical terms? For some less tech-savvy managers and end users, a good glossary is essential to better understanding. Read Jeff Dray's "alternative" definitions for a few standard terms.

Jeff Dray offers these alternative Geek-Speak glossary terms with all-new, expanded definitions.

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There's a very popular download in TechRepublic's white paper directory, "Geek-Speak Glossary: A Manager's Guide to IT Terminology" by Global Knowledge. While this one is very useful for the manager who wants to understand what the IT staff is saying, we thought it would be entertaining to "update" some of those definitions to address what's really going on in the IT department.

ARP (address resolution protocol): Network layer protocol provided with TCP/IP; used to map an IP (internet protocol) address to a MAC (media access card) address. As can be read later, this can involve some obscure and dark rituals that can be performed only by virgins, by the light of a full moon, thus explaining why we have so much network trouble here in the UK, where it is often cloudy. Bit: contraction of the expression “binary digit”: Smallest unit of data in a computer. Bits can also be all that remain of a desktop or laptop computer when it locks up for a particularly stressed worker. Not to be confused with expressions of older origin, such as, "Getting the bit between your teeth," which has a far more positive connotation. Bluetooth: Specification that allows mobile phones, computers, and PDAs to be connected wirelessly over short ranges, also a condition prevalent among a certain class of geek, known as the "Furry Toothed Geek." The term came from a Viking king by the name of Eric Blatand, demonstrating that dental hygiene was not afforded great importance in tenth- and eleventh-century Scandinavia. I still can’t work out why the example of a mouldy-toothed Viking should put someone in mind of short-range radio communication, but what do I know? GUI (graphical user interface): Easy way of accessing applications with the use of a pointing device, such as a mouse; pronounced “gooey.” The user interface is the last frontier for wit and reason before your actions are passed to the machine forever. The user interface gives rise to such terms as "PEBCAK," an acronym for "Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard." Keyboards can be particularly GUI if rules about not eating and drinking near computer equipment are not strictly enforced. Host address: Part of an IP address that is uniquely assigned by an administrator, not as interpreted by one of my apprentices, as the address of the hotel we were staying in. IEEE (Institute of Electronic and Electrical Engineers): Voluntary organization of engineers that creates consensus standards for network wiring and other technologies; pronounced “eye-triple-E.” Also the sound made by the aforementioned apprentice when I jammed his fingers into a live power socket. I/O (input/output devices): Hardware used to enter and retrieve data from the system. As these are the direct physical connection between the user and the machine, they are often the first parts to suffer when frustration and rage take the better of the situation. Jitter: Distortion in a digital signal caused by a shift in timing pulses; can cause data interpretation errors. This term is also used to describe the feelings of department managers about the time that next year’s budgets are being fixed. Menu: Used in some DOS shells and early versions of Windows; an improvement on the command line but cumbersome when a task requires the submenu of a submenu of a submenu of a menu item. Menus can be found in almost any context, including pinned to the wall of the tech’s workshop, where one’s late night takeaway can be ordered by phone and delivered to reception. TCP/IP (transmission control protocol/Internet protocol): The dominant protocol suite used in networking. Not as you might think a logical and scientific approach to a problem but very much of a black art, involving blood sacrifices, wild naked dancing around forest clearings, and inspecting the entrails of chickens. May also be misunderstood as a type of antiseptic fluid with a particularly unpleasant odor. Having spent several evenings studying for my Network Administrator Exam a couple of years ago, I was asked to go to our local chemist shop for some TCP antiseptic. Without thinking I asked for a bottle of TCP/IP.

Do you have your own special meanings for technical terminology? By all means, share them with the rest of us below. They might make the next edition.

21 comments
jpgollaba
jpgollaba

If you want more funny acronyms, get a load of this: http://www.funny2.com/acronyms.htm Here are some acronyms from the site: BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language DOS - Defunct Operating System PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

mark.silvia
mark.silvia

WYSIWYG = What You See Is What You Get RTFM = Read The F___ Manual OLE = Object Link Embedding ODBC = Open DataBase Connectivity FAT[16|32] = File Allocation Table [16 bit | 32 bit] NTFS = [Windows] NT File System DOS = Disk Operating System

BlackKris
BlackKris

One I've often used for end-user mistakes is U.H.S. - User Head Space

DelphiniumEve
DelphiniumEve

Is the Id-10T error - remove the dash and what word does it resemble? You got it... I can insult the slug without his or her knowledge at times. I used to be too obvious. I would openly state "What a waste of Grey Matter." Sometimes they understood the comment, sometimes not.

Roc Riz
Roc Riz

Luser: a user, who is a loser.

rfolden
rfolden

BTCHK error: (Bit Check) Between the CHair and the Keyboard. ID10T error: (eye-dee-ten-tee; identity) IDIOT. "Rule 8": Too dumb to be alive; Yes, they really can be that stupid. BOHICA principle: Bend Over, Here It Comes Again! Usually used before IT budget meetings. More, please...

cmahan0
cmahan0

PSU = Power Supply Unit

misseviltoyou
misseviltoyou

SMTP = Seriously Missing The Point CKI (pr. Sickie) = Chair-Keyboard Interface Copyright? = Shall I burn you a DVD of this brand new film I just downloaded?

mattie289404
mattie289404

So we computer technians know a few acronyms woop de doo...trust me when you called a plumber, an electrician or a car mechanic or any other person who had a skil you don't have they had just as many acronyms for people who know nothing of their trades, I think geeks are basicly MIST, Men In Sissy Trade.

MichP
MichP

I've been using LUser as short for Lowly User, for that lowest level of default group permissions in Windows. Since people with those permissions can't hardly do squat, they must not be competent and/or trustworthy, so they must be losers, too. ;)

mrh
mrh

Problem In Chair Not In Computer

ty.lamb
ty.lamb

PICNIC problem in chair not in computer

Chipv
Chipv

Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

buck-rabbit
buck-rabbit

Knowledge, can be achieved by having a good memory. Intelligence is knowing and being able to use knowledge to achieve a desired result.

bdbhn_it
bdbhn_it

No it does not, however many of the geeks in IT are so smart that they can not communicate with the user, thus the user MUST be stupid. Thus geeks make fun of users and believe it or not users make fun of geeks as being dysfunctional in the real world.

NickNielsen
NickNielsen

Stupid User Error Come spend a day with me. I'll even let you do all the climbing and crawling. After you've done that, you can talk about MIST all you want.

boogie
boogie

Sissy Trade......maybe you're right. We don't need acronyms in the motor industry - when asked what was wrong with the vehicle after a 'user' induced or imagined fault we will say "The nut behind the wheel" or a variation "The nut holding the wheel". By the time the "User" has worked out what we are talking about (If they ever do) we are long gone.