You can't be "on vacation" AND "on call"
One or the other. If you're on vacation, someone else should be designated to handle your work until you return. If no one else is trained to, then cross-training on the basics should begin immediately. Use a temp agency if necessary. What would they do if you hit the lottery or got hit by a truck?
Calls forwarded to your cell phone? If it's your personal phone, change the number and don't give the new one out. You pay for a phone for your convenience, not the company's. Remote from the hotel? "Gee, I'm sorry, there's not broadband / wireless / analog line here at the Creekside B & B." Better yet, don't take the cell or a laptop along. Your spouse will appreciate it.
You're not being a baby about working on your vacation time; you're being a slave. If they wanted you to work 24-7-365, they wouldn't give you the vacation in the first place.