Discussion on:

Do you work with a bully? You're not alone

Although bullies in the workplace are not a new phenomena, studies have revealed it's more common now. Have you encountered a bully at work? If so, what actions, if any, did you take?

I was bullied by my supervisor at a previous job and I complained to HR. HR found him to be at fault and severely punished him. They also punished the Department manager for letting it happen.

However, I was demoted unofficially and ultimately resigned as my career at that company was surely to go nowhere.

If the company is worth anything, they will act.

if not, you're better off elsewhere.

Since management usually can't or won't help, and the individual's career is at stake, as well as future workers, maybe the collective can, if someone takes a leadership role, find ways to make the bully feel some pain as well.

http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-12850-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=258744&messageID=2461475

and fight back! I"m sure resistance will be futile, esp. with 7of9 around

I've worked for a bully. He was fired and the department let loose a collective sigh of relief.

Now, I have a co-worker, who has a few quirks that are pretty mean-spirited. Being relatively new, I took some things he said to heart. After a while though, I thought through his comments and came to the conclusion that he's a d0uchebag and I should just ignore him.

Some examples: He was showing me a process that I hadn't done before and told me (while I was taking notes) that if a programmer needed to take notes on ANYTHING then they shouldn't be a programmer. He refuses to use pen and paper for anything and pokes fun at people who do things 'The Amish' way.

Personally? I like to write things down. That helps solidify a new idea in my head. It's also comforting and familiar to me. And it's my damn way of doing things. I finally told him that it was all well and good for him to NOT write things down. But to butt the f*ck out when it comes to my habits. His opinion of me is not my business. He has since backed off, but I've heard comments from other sources.

The good news is, even though I'm new, users prefer to deal with me because I don't talk down to them and I never condescend. They don't like dealing with this other person because he goes out of his way to try and make them feel small.

I'm thinking he has some self esteem issues..

You told him to F*ck off!!?? Oh man, that is classic. How did he react? What did he say?

He laughed in a good natured way and backed the f*ck off.

This isn't unheard of in my dept. I am one of the more demure.

America would be a better place if we would call each other wankers and tell others to F*ck off every now and again.

that would be "intolerant", don't you think?

NT

I agree.

I believe the this is true, many times when you get in their
face they back off and sometimes even try to become your
friend.... don't EVER fall for that even if you pretend to
which is wise.

I can do my best to get along, but I certainly won't trust or confide in him.

I have had several bully bosses and have found that they
are cowards. If anyone is bullied they MUST stand up for
themselves, although everyone needs their job how much is
your self esteem worth?

I recommend that everyone read this article on what makes up the psychology of a Bully boss. Most likely, you can't change the habits of the jerk, but this will ease your mind and most importantly to stop blaming yourself.

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19950901-000021.html

I have had several bully bosses and have found that they
are cowards. If anyone is bullied they MUST stand up for
themselves, although everyone needs their job how much
is your self esteem worth?
Many times when you make it clear that they have chosen
the wrong person to pick on they back off. BUT
sometimes they don't. In that case you either need to
approach Human Resources about the problem or look
for a new job (which is a good idea anyway).
Be prepared that they may try to get you fired but that's
a chance that you have to take. Have a plan before you
begin to take on the bully and be prepared to stand
alone.

I agree, but don't forget the most important thing before you even start your defense - 'protect your arse'.

If your going to go to HR log everything and every incident of Bullying including what was said and dates/times. See if you can catch the bully in EMAIL -- ROCK SOLID defense there. Also, if you ever saw that TIM ALLEN movie you can take the bullying outside of work and kick his arse...only if you are bigger. : )

That is exactly what I did the one time I went to HR. Everything was documented including dates, times, and what was said for almost a year. I also informed another trusted employee (one that I trust) as to exactly what I was doing, with a copy of my documentation. I was mainly worried about retaliation from the person I was accusing, and his friends. It didn't happen, but that was the only way I felt comfortable. After all that nothing was changed, so it ended up a waste of time.

In that case your HR department is incompetent and you should sue them and leave the company. Really if they had any clue then you would have a case. Just claim you were harrassed and then sue them. In todays leagal system anything is possible.

I learned from my father (who was a U.S. Air Force Lt Col) that you should keep a record, In Writing of everything.
For years, I've kept a phone call log on my desk. It got me out of trouble with the office bullies while I was in the U.S. Navy and as a civilian.
I kept me sane while dealing with a boss who was "Tripping down the Sociopath" and with a boss who believed that all directions should be "short and dirty." Eventually, both were severely reprimanded and I went on with my life with my dignity and self respect intact.

I,m looking for something now. This place has too many 'clicks', which leads back to one of the causes for bullying to be continued unchecked. My problem is I want to relocate south but it's hard to get a place interested when they know it will take some time to move.

Along with the low self esteem he's probably lacking in size in a certain area. That could be making him "cranky" as well.

He's not lacking in size any where else, though. He's around 6'5" and 350 lbs..

Good point. But I am about 6FT and 270 due to working out\weightlifting excessivly. OH wait I was about to reveal too much!

from working out. He's just plain old out of shape.

But now I'm being snarky, aren't I?

Sounds like you're just telling it like it is. I like that myself.

I am glad you told him to back off. Honestly, the only reason bullies exist is because people ALLOW them to. FEAR feeds bullies and if you show fear you giving him/her cause to continue their actions. DONT TAKE IT. COMMUNICATE at the first sign of bullying. Tell that person that you see what they are trying to do and you aren't a pushover. Basically, grow a pair and bullies will back off. Don't be a coward project confidence and you will never be bullied in your life.

Usually, I'm not easily intimidated, but due to a lot of sudden and distressing changes in my life (pick any country and western song and you'll get the gist) I wasn't at my peak when I started this job and I just let it get the best of me for the first 6 weeks or so. I've since (almost) come back to myself and am pretty good at sticking up for me. It's better now, it will never be great, but it's better..

I have worked with two bullies. The biggest fights have been over the thermostat setting. Both were overweight men who were always hot and would set the air conditioning to 70 degrees F if they had their way.

I am more on the petite side and tend to get cold. I tried compromising with Bully #1. I used my space heater during the winter so the building heat could be a little lower. In the summer, could he bring in a fan so we could set the temperature a little higher? No, he said, "Fans don't work for me." Excuse me? The laws of thermodynamics don't apply to you? I was on my own. No one else would stand up to him (or support him, so I don't think it was just me).

I did complain to my boss about that and other things he bullied me, and others around me, about. My boss did correctly point out that it was all about his insecurities. I didn't have to work directly with the guy after that. But I didn't wait around too long. I found another job that was a better fit for me, anyway, even if I did have to take a slight pay cut. I've never regretted it.

To say that bullying is more common requires a definition of bullying.

Most of the replies to this post describe rude behaviour which is a serious workplace problem but I wouldn't call bullying.

The management of my former worksite have a policy of "forcing out" employees they want to move on and recruit the office bullies to be their enforcers of this policy.The amount of anguish these people are allowed to inflict is criminal, literally.

I worked in the same general area with a guy who tried to bully me. He was a domain admin, and would break into my PC and delete stuff, he verbally tried to humiliate me in front of my co-workers, made references to me being a female, and though I can't prove it, I'm sure he's the one that sent the email under my account to the whole dept announcing my resignation. He was also the Exchange admin, and I never left my PC unlocked. Anyway, I finally reminded him one day in front of about 30 co-workers that I new him when we were kids, and that my Dad had worked with his, and that I remembered what happened when he was a kid, and unless he wanted the whole department to know all about it, he'd sit down, shut up, and leave me alone. It all stopped. He tried something similar to two others, but they were both really good about giving him some creative verbal slap downs. I complained about his harrassment of my female status, and someone else complained based on his religious harrassment, but HR and administration wouldn't do anything about it.

I no longer work there, I make more than him, and I'm quite happy. Revenge is sweet.

I got bullied at work once. I waited until I found the guy in the stairwell and put a chokehold on him he'll never forget. After that, the boy gave me a wide berth!

Great concept and interesting stats, but shouldn't the article have addressed what is considered bullying? I've worked with some pretty toxic people, but would their behavior be considered bully-ish, or simply pathological?

Fresh out of College, armed with only my degree, I was bullied: I was hounded by my boss for an entire year (even in the last 4 months when I was no longer in his department).

Then having made a round trip of 1300 miles for 2 interviews, opting for one of them, and doubling my salary in the process, I went to work for my last day.

The bully appeared slight uneasy, telling me he had been cruel to be kind, that he'd felt I needed toughening up a bit, that he'd always known I'd "come good in the end".

When I pointed out to him my new posting placed me in a salary scale above his present one, I shook his hand - smiled, crushing his fingers - and walked away quietly.

It was at that moment I realised how intrinsically weak bullies tend to be. Weak and small.

No-one ever caught me off-guard again.

I've never had much problem with professional bullies because I grew up having to survive them.

Your assessment is 100% accurate. They are weak. They bully because they are weak. A strong person has the personality of a big dog. Big dogs aren't yappers, they *know* they are the big dog and don't need to prove it.

both Big Dog and Yapper are types of bully. The ones that do not have to prove anything can just be as bad!

what could it be?

Confused I looked around, only to see the room faiding in to a pale mist.

7:00 AM - wait, was...was it all a dream?

Not everybody gets the chance to end the story the way you did - for most the end is just as above.

My director was a real screwball.

He would throw things at people, insult people, play mean pranks on people, et cetera.

With the backing of my immediate supervisor, I wrote him up.

He tried every dirty trick in the book to get even with me, but my supervisor backed me up repeatedly.

Once it was seen that someone could stand up to the idiot and survive, the other folks were on him like a pack of wolves. He ended up being forced to resign.

I once worked for a manager the rank and file referred to as "Psycho Sybil"... I was her most frequent target and I stayed in the job for 9 years before one day I refused to take it anymore and went to upper management.

Altho I spent an additional 6 years with the company in different departments, I continually had to prove myself to my new bosses. Standing up for myself labeled me as a "trouble-maker" and I eventually had to leave and rebuild my reputation elsewhere.

There is a bully where I currently work. I do not have to deal with her that much, but since I've been employed here, the bully's department has lost several good people, and are about to lose two more within the next couple of weeks. The sole reason all these workers have left is because of the bully, who treats them like 2 year olds, talks condensendingly, and is outright rude on a daily basis.

The bully's boss is aware of the problem, but defends the bully as they are "buddies"...lots of late night chitter an such. Being the new kid on the block, I can't say anything that would carry weight at this point, but if someone asks me, I'm going to be frank and honest.

Maybe I can't stop it... but I don't have to enable the behavior either...

The way to handle a bully is to face them squarely over the issue and make them fight. No matter who wins the bully doesn't like that. Bullies are looking for easy victims.

The problem is what happens. Are you willing to lose your job? Have your reputation smeared? When someone calls me a dunderhead, id10t, or moron it's water off my back.

When someone tells me they can do my job better, faster with one hand tied behind their back my response is, "Really. Could you show me that? I'd love to do my job better, faster." Few takers on the last.

The other problem is perception. Many times the bully doesn't see themselves as a bully. When you square off with them and refuse to back down sometimes they see YOU as the bully. Before I start something I try to see it from the other person's perspective. Not easy to do sometimes.

I use the IGNORE button. When threatened with any type of physical threat, I just push the button and walk away. The bullies just want attention and I refuse to give it to them. Most just talk the talk but few will walk the walk. I work with one now and after repeated attempts to get me into a confrontation finally gave up and tried someone else who handed him his head on a platter and lost his coveted position and was relegated to more meanial tasks more suited for an idiot. Now he knows he has to do a lot of kissing up to get back on everyones good side. I love to see a bully grovel.

The bullies typically like to take advantage of the nice people.

So, I'm the nice guy. I'm easy to get along with and I go with the flow. I don't mind picking up the pieces if somebody screws up (it happens) and I'll take care of the people on my team (*WE* screwed up).

However, if you have "that guy," the best plan is:
A) Like mjd said, ignore it
B) If it continues, wait until they are being a bully in a meeting or in some public setting. Then, without anger or malice, pwn them.

I found this works pretty well (imagine you are in a meeting where the bully has nothing good to say about what you are presenting and is being aggressive):
Since you don't want to be a team player, and you aren't providing any solutions, I'd prefer if you would step out until I finish my presentation.

Works every time.