Discussion on:

Friday Yuk

Come on guys..its friday..give a little won't ya??
Post a funny to keep those less humourous as yourselves from flinging themselves out thier office window..(thats if they are lucky enough to have a window!)

I'm starting to suspect that a lot of you actaully WORK more than you let on.. *shakes head*..tis sad..

- Vista_Error: 001 Vista loaded - Warning your computer is now in danger

- Vista_Error: 002 No Error - Check again in 10 seconds

- Vista_Error: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

- Vista_Error: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong (just testing)

- Vista_Error: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused

- Vista_Error: 006 Kelvin error: Type Mismatch - phone Kevlar

-Vista_Error: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware

-Vista_Error: 008 Broken window. Path not found - phone Glazier

-Vista_Error: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Press F13 for more help

-Vista_Error: 00A Invalid property assignment. Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

-Vista_Error: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50GB

-Vista_Error: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!

-Vista_Error: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside

-Vista_Error: 00E Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

-Vista_Error: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

-Vista_Error: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?

-Vista_Error: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

-Vista_Error: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.

-Vista_Error: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

-Vista_Error: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.

-Vista_Error: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

-Vista_Error: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.

-Vista_Error: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

-Vista_Error: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

-Vista_Error: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.

-Vista_Error: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.

-Vista_Error: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will be closed automatically and the virus will be reactivated.

-Vista_Error: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

-Vista_Error: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next error will not be displayed or recorded.

-Vista_Error: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

-Vista_Error: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

-Vista_Error: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 5,000 Gigawatts available

1. What do you call Batman and Robbin run over?Flatman and Ribbon

2. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? F*cks funny!

they were.....






NSNF

SMILE!

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you?ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you?ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You?ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

In fact, everything that broke at my previous job, I was responsible for.

I know how to delegate blame...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving to check out a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister, 'Now, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

After paying him the $599 asking price, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,'It's just 99 cents a word.'

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left, meaning she'll only be able to send her sister a one-word message. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, 'I want you to send her the word...'comfortable'.'

The telegraph operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable'?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's a blonde The word's big. She'll read it slowly...out loud... ('com-for-da-bul').'

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.




After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.




However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness?s. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.




As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, ?Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.?




?I?m very sorry, officer,? replies the American, ?but I really have to go, and I just can?t find a public restroom.?




?Ah, yes,? said the bobby, ?just follow me?. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.




?In there,? points the bobby, ?whiz away sir, anywhere you like.?




The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.




Since he has the policeman?s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby ?That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality??




?No sir??, replied the bobby, ?that is what we call the French Embassy.?

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"



NFNS

TRANSLATING MANAGEMENT SPEAK

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree."
TRANSLATION: "I disagree."

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open.
TRANSLATION: &%^$ you.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I appreciate your contribution.
TRANSLATION: @#%* you!

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor.
TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake.
TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.


NSNF

Job Application

NAME: jd clyde

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked ass.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with topless native girls bringing me umbrella drinks. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: jd


NFNS

you didnt get hired

folical discrimination?

you wore sunglasses and forgot to remove them in the Interview

forgot to wash the blood off the shirt?

That is probably the real reason right there. Maybe you and Mae should get together to determine a 'better' and 'more suitable' lifestyle, than shoveling or killing bosses cause they are 'in the way'

The Pope and President Monson (Head of the Mormon church) decide to have a meeting to discuss issues affecting both religions.

The first meeting was in the Vatican. While talking President Monson notices a white phone on the wall. He asks the Pope what is it for. The Pope explains, "It's the heavenly hotline -- You can talk to God directly but it's very expensive."

President Monson asks if he can use for a quick question. The Pope gives him permission. President Monson makes a quick 30 second call.

The second meeting is in Salt Lake City. While the Pope is talking he notices a blue phone on the wall. President Monson explains it's the same thing as the Pope's white phone, a direct connection to God. The Pope asks for permission to make a quick call and it's granted.

The Pope is on the phone for 40 minutes. After the call the Pope says he's truly sorry about and call and offers to pay for it. President Monson says, "Don't worry about it, over here it's a local call."

Edited -- typo

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES

DATE: SEPTEMBER 7, 1998

RE: REST ROOM USE POLICY

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the rest room under informal guidelines. Effective at the beginning of next month, a rest room trip policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee rest room time and insuring equal treatment to all employees.

Under the policy, a "rest room trip bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty (20) rest room credits. these credits may be accumulated.

Within two weeks, the entrance door to all rest rooms will be equipped with personal identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the first month. Employees should aquaint themselves with the station during this period.

If the employees rest room trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the rest rooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all rest rooms stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will automatically be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board. Anyone's picture showing up three times will be immediately terminated. If you have any questions about this policy please contact your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.


NFNS

Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive - he had missed the 5100 bus that morning, when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware inspecting the daisy wheels in his garden. "She looks user-friendly," he thought. "I'll see if she'd like an update tonight." Mini was her name and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like cobol and a prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.

He shifted over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32-bit floating point processors and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?"

"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optic fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro thought about a recursive approach but settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then dumped the results. "I've been put on a queue myself recently and a rendezvous is just what I need to activate my tasks. I'll park my machine cycle and meet you inside." She walked off leaving Micro admiring the way her dynamic resources were allocated and thinking, "Wow, what a cache! I wonder if she's available for prime time maintenance."

They sat down at the process table to a platter of fiche and chips and a basket of baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave continuation acknowledgements although, in background, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally decided on the old 'Would you like to see some of my benchmark programs' but Mini anticipated his flow.

Without a prompt, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she commanded. Micro was executing firmware by this stage but his hardware policing module had an accelerated processor and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer - a bug that Micro had been consulting his analyst about. "Core dump!" he complained.

Micro auto-recovered however, when Mini went down on DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to enter her kernel when she attempted an escape sequence.

"Abort!" she cried. "You're not shielded."

"Reset, baby," he said. "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop disabled and I can't support child processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he begged. "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No, that's too error prone - and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was in phase locked oscillations by this stage and could not be terminated. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by inducing a voltage spike in his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think about is hex!"


NFNS

Okay, back to work. I needed that.

....JD's last date.

James

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__


NFNS

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting
screwed!

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
? Emo Philips

"Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes."
? Edsger W. Dijkstra

"The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before."
? Bill Gates

"Software is like entropy: It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics; i.e., it always increases."
? Norman Augustine

"Software is a gas; it expands to fill its container."
? Nathan Myhrvold

"All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer."
? IBM Manual, 1925

"Standards are always out of date. That's what makes them standards."
? Alan Bennett

"Physics is the universe's operating system."
? Steven R Garman

"It's hardware that makes a machine fast. It's software that makes a fast machine slow."
? Craig Bruce

it was slow users that made a fast machine slow, kind of like an infection....

Tier one customer description to pass on to tier two support regarding the caller being passed through.

Customer Issue: PICNIC (Problem In Chair Not In Computer)

Problem exists between chair and keyboard

Just depends on which you want to address first..

http://www.plainlanguage.gov/examples/humor/writegood.cfm

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES


Dear Airline Industry,

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the heck -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? Maybe franchise it out to Hooters, and serve way over-priced snacks after Happy Hour?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party - party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see Girls Gone Wild.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that you could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Terrorist would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.


Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

You just solved half of the nations problems with one post.

Higher paying jobs mean more people sharing the tax burden. That means lower taxes for the rest of us. The airlines would also be making more money because he11 I hate airports and therefore drive as often as I can but this would certainly cause me to reconsider that position and homeland security would be improved.

Barvo!!!