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10 tips for dealing with difficult people

These tips are very helpful, and not just in the workplace and not just when encountering difficult people. Sometimes arguments result even though two people agree on the major premise. For example, an argument between my cousin and me about health care started to get heated, even though we both felt the same way about the issue. The particulars on how to approach the problem were our points of dispute. I would have done a lot better to acknowledge our points of agreement and to let it go at that.

As a consultant, I've dealt with difficult clients who sometimes like to take things out on their consultants. They assume their higher rates entitle them to it, and consultants can't run to HR. I've always taught new consultants to quickly develop a thick skin for client abuse. These tips are great advice for doing so. Thanks!
Lew Sauder, Author, Consulting 101: 101 Tips For Success in Consulting (www.Consulting101Book.com)

If you receive any strong negative criticism, stop the meeting immediately at that point, and say you will only resume when you have a witness present. This might be a friend, colleague, or preferably union representative. Take notes of exactly what was said while still fresh in your mind, and ASK for the criticism to be repeated word for word when a witness is present. It's often a power thing, and having had some of the most difficult people imaginable to deal with, I have a good experience in ways of diluting the ABUSE these people often dish out. Some just liked to see other people cringe, and others were about as insensitive of others feelings as could possibly be. - And don't be afraid to express some of YOUR feelings, such as - I find that extremely upsetting considering how hard and diligently I work; I am a very genuine person and I do my very best; This couldn't be more distressing to me; I would really appreciate some genuine help in this matter; I am at a complete and total loss to know how you've arrived at that opinion of me or my work; I don't feel that this is in any way deserved; I feel this is totally unjust; I feel less and less appreciated each time you speak to me... and so on. I would avoid, at least in the first instance, any discussion of 'fairness' as difficult people very rarely act fairly to everyone and their view of fairness will invariably differ greatly from yours! Also, it is best to try your best to defend yourself and avoid actively criticising the difficult person's stance or attitude as this will just divert them to further criticise you. At a later stage, of course, eg if repeated with a union rep present, it might well be appropriate then and only then to introduce concepts of fairness, or unfairness, as grievance procedures may then be invoked, and you will need the witness for any comments in reply. Discrimination is different and you are quite within your rights to point out what you consider as discrimination, and in fact you should do so immediately this occurs, and again consider and point out grievance procedures. Also, consider introducing you as well as your work. They may back down a little and re-define crticisms as work only. If they don't, you can be sure there are personal issues involved as well, ie opinions of you as well as of your work, eg do they consider your face fits. If there is a low or 'devalued' opinion of you for whatever reason (could be something as simple as a qualification or route to qualification - some bosses hate people having better qualifications than they themselves have, or do not consider some qualifications as being equally commensurate), do consider strongly changing jobs or moving elsewhere either within or without of the company. At least then you would have a different boss, maybe difficult in different ways, but at least a DIFFERENT person, maybe with altogether different views! And a good chance of being properly appreciated, and not over-looked, and maybe even a good and easy-going boss!

not to criticise THEIR fairness initially. You might certainly say - that doesn't seem at all fair from MY point of view. It's much harder for them to then try to criticise YOUR point of view! If they re-emphasise their point of view, keep turning it back to from your viewpoint! They might say you're not listening, or their viewpoint is more important, but you can then add that it's your own viewpoint YOU have to live with. They are not actually doing the job, YOU are!

I'm the one who has to deal with/try to deal with these issues directly. I have to take responsibility for outcomes. I have to try to use my responsibility wisely. I have full responsibility for my own actions and results therefrom. I am responsible for my own work and my own actions ... etc

A subservient attitude, eg I will try my best to correct this, or it won't happen again is only advisable in the face of constant ongoing pressure, or if you KNOW you were wrong in some respect. Otherwise you are acknowledging the criticism! Which is often actual, rather than tantamount to, BULLYING of you! And - Don't be afraid to tell others. They might well have had the same experience from this very difficult ... 'person'!

Thanks Calvin. These tips should work with people who are reasonable and can be persuaded to agree with us. However, there is no cure against compulsive arguers and pests (like you mentioned, not because of who we are, but because of who they are). Very often, in my corporate sector career of almost two decades, I have realized that bosses often like to skirt interpersonal issues involving both intra-department as well as inter-department personnel. Hence, your tips would be useful in these cases, with people who are generally nice and reasonable. However, I have observed that there are quite a few sadists at highly competitive workplaces, where people pick up arguments just to dominate others or belittle them by throwing their weight around. Such people are best avoided or ignored, and are not worth the time and efforts required for persuasion.

Some of the most difficult types are the ones who KNOW they're right, and no amount of reason will budge them. To paraphrase William Lloyd Garrison: With reasonable men I will reason, with compassionate men I will plead, but some people need a baseball bat upside the head to get the idea.

Excellent article, concisely stated. Thank you. For further reading people may consider the book, Crucial Conversations.

This is excellent advise. I recently lost my job due to an angry customer who felt he was the rhyme and reason for all modern thinking. I tried to rationalize with the customer and state the obvious to him...he wasn't having any of it. I offered to send a service tech to him and a supervisor, still he was the obnoxious knutt. Couldn't crack him. I tried many of the techniques described in the article but he was hell bent on being frustrated and down right mean. I feel confident that I did all I could to pacify the situation but in this economy unfortunately there are companies who stand too firm on "the customer is always right" philosophy. Anyway I agree in full with the art of woo and sooth the situation with skill sets described in the article.

Keep up the good work TR great words of wisdom!