10 ways to most efficiently alienate the users
10. Make up new words. Mix and combine with as much technical jargon as possible. Most people will not admit they don't understand you.
"The configuration on the fluxtransformer database must be corrupted. This is going to take awhile to fix."
9. Tell them their hardware or software are unsupported.
"Your computer is brand new? We don't support that yet. Your computer is 1 year old? We don't support outdated hardware. You plugged in a mouse that we didn't officially sanction. Not supported!"
8. Bureaucracy. Make sure no one knows who is responsible for anything and no one is allowed to fix anything that they're not responsible for. If users start to catch on, change it up. If properly implemented you can pass problems around for weeks without anyone trying to fix them.
"Your printer isn't working? Sorry that's not my area anymore, try talking to Bob."
7. Tell them to get a mac. Continually remind everyone that if they were using macs like you they wouldn't have these problems. Never ever address the fact that this wouldn't work in your business environment.
6. Hide. Don't let anyone see you. Let all calls go to voicemail. Don't let anyone know what you're working on. Take as long as possible to respond to tickets or email. Do everything you can to make people to question weather you actually exist at all.
5. Use band aid solutions. Fix problems as quickly and crudely as possible without addressing the underlying problem or cause. Never address any problem that wasn't explicitly pointed out to you and documented in an email or ticket.
Restart the computer, if it works, run.
4. Deny access to everything but don't take over responsibility for those functions. Don't just block executables, block mp3s, wavs, jpegs, pdfs. Disable access to local HDDs then impose tight quotas on network shares.
"You need your critical server restarted? Fill out form 212-A and we'll look at it next week. Want to change your desktop background or screen saver? Access denied!"
3. Deny the problem actually exists. If there is no problem, no one can expect you to fix it. Arbitrarily close unresolved tickets. Tell everyone it worked fine with you. Open programs and close them immediately. If you don't encounter an error you can assume that it is fully functional.
2. Blame the user. Always assume the user did something wrong and then tell them how they broke it. If you can't find a real reason, make one up.
"You didn't try to work remotely from home did you? The host of viruii on your home PC have no doubt infiltrated our network and caused all these problems."
1. Alienate yourself, literally. Green face paint, red hair dye, a mohawk and a toy phaser will make people seriously doubt that you can help them. Alternatively, tattoos, piercings and leather could also do the job.
