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  • #2258235

    Friday Yuk

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    by dmambo ·

    Since we’re Yukless at this late hour:

    There was an old lady and her dog who lived on the coast.

    Every day she and the dog would take a stroll along the beach. One day she stumbled across a bottle. She rubbed the bottle and a genie popped out, who said ?You have three wishes.? The old granny said ?I want a million dollars.? Within moments, she was sitting on a pile of cash.

    Then she said, ?I want my old house to become a mansion.? Immediately, her house became a palace. Then she made her last wish: ?I want to become a beautiful young lady and my dog to be my handsome young husband.? ?Done,? the genie said and, as the lady and her dog were transformed, the genie disappeared.

    The woman took her things and went home. Then she hopped into bed and took her new, handsome husband with her. Then he turned to her and said, ?Now aren’t you thrilled you had me neutered??

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    • #3211822

      News Just In …

      by thefrown ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Marco Materazzi and Sophie Ellis Bextor have been found dead in a French International Footballer’s hotel room ….

      The Police are billing it as “Murder on Zidane’s floor …”

      • #3211720

        Is this an inn joke of some sort – I don’t get it.

        by deadly ernest ·

        In reply to News Just In …

        But then I don’t know any of the people you mention in it.

        • #3211717

          Whew! Glad I wasn’t

          by old guy ·

          In reply to Is this an inn joke of some sort – I don’t get it.

          the only one. 🙂

        • #3211716

          Has to do …

          by thefrown ·

          In reply to Is this an inn joke of some sort – I don’t get it.

          … with the World Cup Final.

        • #3211364

          edited out

          by x-marcap ·

          In reply to Has to do …

          edited out

        • #3211324

          Way to leave me out!

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to edited out

          I shall console myself with 25 year old Glen Farclas and pout a lot!

          *pouting now*

        • #3211200

          Well, it’s just like the “World Series” in baseball

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to edited out

          except it’s football and the whole world [b]does[/b] play in it (unlike the World Series). We’d all love you a little more if you dropped the “World Series” bollocks and named it something more appropriate such as “United States Baseball Cup”. I know that there’s a couple (one?) team from Canada and they play it a bit in Japan but [b]World[/b] Series in a sport no-one else plays – really!

        • #3211193

          Nowhere else, except

          by faradhi ·

          In reply to Well, it’s just like the “World Series” in baseball

          Mexico, Venezuela, Cuba, Korea, Phillipeans….

          I could go on but that is just the ones off the top of my head. There are players from all those countries and more playing in Major League Baseball.

          Granted it is still not as many as Soccer (football) but nevertheless, it is played around the world.

          Also, there is no Cup in baseball except the one covering the players nads.

        • #3211180

          Haha!!!

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to Well, it’s just like the “World Series” in baseball

          Plus, the winners of the Super Bowl, are crowned World Champs!! 😀
          Take that you limeys!!…. oh wait!!! :0 :p

        • #3169085

          edited out

          by x-marcap ·

          In reply to Well, it’s just like the “World Series” in baseball

          edited out

        • #3169077

          If there’s going to be fighting

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Well, it’s just like the “World Series” in baseball

          Tigger should probably hold on to the Scotch… just to make sure nothing bad accidentally happens to it.

        • #3169076

          I’d sell tickets to spectators

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Well, it’s just like the “World Series” in baseball

          and then go and buy my own bottle with the proceeds. I thought you guys were the capitalists! Hah!

          I would also try and do my bit to undo the harm that American tastes have done to the Scotch Whisky industry and buy a whisky that hasn’t been chill-filtered because you don’t like the way it used to go cloudy when you added water or ice (aaah! poor kiddies!). Chill-filtering removes a significant part of the true flavour of Scotch but because the US is the biggest market, unfiltered is rare and expensive but so-o-o-o good.

          It’s worth noting that you also bitched at the French about Cognac going cloudy and they replied “merde” and refused to pander to your wimpish tastes. Vive la France!
          ____________________________________

          Accuse me of reverse-double-retro-hijacking would you, Tim? You wanna fight. Step over that line, I dare you!

          :p

        • #3169086

          edited out

          by x-marcap ·

          In reply to edited out

          edited out

        • #3169028

          Tj – You underestimate the TiggerTwo

          by j.lupo ·

          In reply to edited out

          She can take you all hands behind back, blind folded. Cause she already gots all the “hooch” 🙂

        • #3169026

          I do only fight for the good stuff

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to edited out

          So I will happily be a spectator with my 12 year old Dalwhinnie.

          You don’t have to go as expensive as Glenfiddich for JD. He’d join the fray over Cutty Sark. We really haven’t taught the boy the finer points of scotch!

        • #3169024

          jd would join over rubbing alcohol

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I do only fight for the good stuff

          At least that’s what I heard. Of course, I didn’t believe it and wouldn’t repeat it. :0

        • #3169023

          Heard something similar myself

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to I do only fight for the good stuff

          But with no proof…

          Believe it or not, Neil, there are some Americans that know better than to pollute good scotch with anything as germ ridden as ice or ice cubes. Just isn’t right. Neat elderly single malt- now THAT is a treat!

        • #3168872

          But I LIKE rubbing alcholol!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I do only fight for the good stuff

          oh, you meant to drink? I just like the idea of the rubbing part! ]:)

          As for the scotch, I am learning and taking notes! 😀

        • #3211372

          OK Try this

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to Is this an inn joke of some sort – I don’t get it.

          Try reading “Murder on Zi Dan’s Floor, in your worst imitation of Steve Martin doing Inspector Clouseau…..

          I did have to read it twice.

          James

        • #3211248

          OK I get the joke NOW – my trouble was

          by deadly ernest ·

          In reply to OK Try this

          a – I’d never heard of any of the people and

          b – I know lots of Frenchmen and Frenchwomen and a true French accent does NOT come out the same as Zi Dance Floor; and

          c – I have not yet seen Steve Martin in the Clouseau role, so I have to settle for Peter Sellers and those two have totally different styles – Peter would probably have made it sound like Z Dunnies floor – as like a toilet floor.

    • #3211821

      Then there’s the story of the Genie of Perversity

      by deadly ernest ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      This young fellow, Steve, is clearing out the old house that had been in his family for 5 generations. He finds an old trunk stuck in the attic. Breaking open the the old padlock he finds its full of clothes and this old strange looking bottle. Cleaning up the bottle, thinking it may be saleable as an antique, a genie pops out.

      The Genie says “I am the Genie of Perversity, you may have three wishes, but what ever you wish for, your worst enemy shall have double. He will also know how it happend and from whom.”

      Steve says “Well my worst enemy is Bobbie who lives across the road and down two houses. All through school he has bullied me and stolen my girl friends. I hate the idea of him getting anything at all.”

      The genie replies “Now you understand why I’m the Genie of Perversity.”

      Steve sits there for a moment thinking, smiling he says “First wish I want a lovely large 10 bedroom mansion, with a lovely slave girl in each bedroom, ready to do what ever I want.”

      Puff of smoke and he’s standing on the upper floor verandah of a 10 bedroom mansion, and there is Bobbie in a similar position in a 20 bedroom mansion, with 20 eager slave girls. Each more beautiful than the one before, if you lined them up right.”

      Smiling he says “For my second wish, I want 100 million dollars worth of gems to be sitting in a chest in the den of my house and I have the only key.”

      Puff of smoke and the genie says “Done, your gems are in your den and Bobbie has 200 million dollars worth in his den.”

      Smiling Steve says “For my last wish I want one of my testicles to fall off.”

      Puff of smoke and and Steve can’t hear what the genie has to say because Bobbie is screaming his lungs out abusing the hell out of Steve and threatening murder.

    • #3211813

      8 steps to bathing a cat..

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      In honour of DMambo 🙂

      A Great Way to Clean the Kitty

      1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

      2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

      3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

      4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

      5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

      6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

      7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

      8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

    • #3211809

      The day is off to a slow start

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      even the voices in my head are giving me the silent treatment…. ;\

      • #3211793

        ya..

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to The day is off to a slow start

        its a wee bit quiet isn’t it..

        in 6 minutes i am DONE for the week..
        thank f*ck..been a stressful week..so i think i’ll have a bit of liquid mood enhancer 🙂

        have to prefare for “Operation Split up daughter and boyfriend”..gonna be a tough one, phase one starts tomorrow..divide and conquor.

        • #3211302
          Avatar photo

          Personally I found encouraging them together

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to ya..

          Is the fastest way to break them up if you show even a hint of disapproval it will only drive them further together.

          Any sing of uninterest will make them stick it out but if you encourage them and ask questions like [b]When are you planning on getting married[/b] and [b]How Many Children are you planning on having[/b] or even indifference to them getting married just say something along the lines of [b] OH I’m just dying for some grandchildren so I can spoil them rotten and then hand them back without any problems, and you don’t need to bother with that silly marriage thing it’s Old Fashioned and Outdated[/b] they will be broken up within a month.

          Push them together and ask outright for grandchildren without any strings at all. Even go as far as to say [b]You are welcome to live here until you have saved enough to buy your own house.[/b]

          By dividing them all you are allowing them to do is compare notes so that they can fight back. When your daughter comes home with a Tattoo ask something like [b]Couldn’t you have got a Bigger One? Or that doesn’t stand out enough why didn’t you chose to have it there pointing to a very exposed area of skin.[/b]

          Believe me the novelty very quickly rubs off when it looks as if the parents are actually in agreement with the Daughter although the older she is the more that you have to work at it so it will most likely take slightly longer to drive them apart. Then there is always the good old standard of constantly dropping hints about Grandchildren and showing videos of [b]Forceps Deliveries![/b] That last one is a bit hard if your not friends with some medical staff but you can always fall back on going to a [b]Surgical Supply House[/b] and buy a pair and claim that you picked them up at a Garage Sale for a Curiosity.

          Just the sight of those things will prevent just about every female from ever considering having children. When they realise what they are you’ll be able to watch them clamp their legs together and go pale. :^0

          What can I say I’m nasty and neither of my children at 32 & 30 are even considering thinking of having children that involve anything but buying pets from a breeder. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3211291

          You are EVIL!

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Personally I found encouraging them together

          But effective.

          Can’t disagree with your reasoning. I know it works.

          But it still just seems so… wrong, somehow.

        • #3211288
          Avatar photo

          Yes I suppose :p :)

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to You are EVIL!

          The Forceps are scary but really effective. 😀

          They are even better if you can leave them out in the weather and allow them to go rusty but the modern ones are now stainless steal so that no longer will work.

          What can I say I used to work [b]Medical![/b] But I’ll admit that even the thought of those things still sends a shiver down my spine but I can live with that as I know that they’ll never be used on me. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #3211274

          Col – just so you know

          by j.lupo ·

          In reply to Personally I found encouraging them together

          My sister did see the Forceps and still I have nephews. My mom too didn’t care, she would have had more if she could have. My cousin also has 5 girls, she wanted a boy, but never got one.

          You have to understand, those things tend to only scare you guys. Us women are used to being abused by the Medical world. As an example, can you say Mammogram?

        • #3211236
          Avatar photo

          Can I say Mammogram HELL YES!!!!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col – just so you know

          [b]Squashed Bitty![/b] Though for the life of me I’ve never understood why someone would willing undergo the pain & suffering involved. Actually if you like I could most likely perform one as well because I used to install and service those machines and I would certainly be far more gentle that the women who operate them currently they are plain & simple [b]Sadists![/b]

          Even when the first was born [b]SWMBO[/b] was very insistent she said in no uncertain terms [b]NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b]

          But about 18 months latter her tune changed and she decided that she wanted another one but first she had to trap me and then bash me into submission in a locked room with the windows nailed shut.

          I learnt several things about women

          [b]They never mean what they say unless it suits them.

          They always get their own way no matter what.

          Don’t try to understand them as it a painful experience.

          Most importantly they are all into self abuse and suffering so that they can make out that they are better than they actually are![/b] :p

          So to retain a [b]Quite Life[/b] I [b]Always Agree with mine[/b] it drives her nuts when I’m constantly taking the blame for everything that’s ever happened in the world. I regularly confess to the most outrageous things just to shut her up.

          I never under any circumstance buy her gifts on the spur of the moment as that means that I’ve done something wrong plain & simple even if she is with me and can see everything that I’m doing.

          I don’t complain when she fills her cars up with rubbish I just clean them out and leave her thinking that I actually bought & restored them for her.

          I never ask her to go out and pickup anything at all for me no matter how busy I am at the time after all I couldn’t possibly inconvenience her under any circumstances.

          I follow her orders and stay out of her Kitchen and Laundry at all times no matter what. I don’t ever cook anything under any circumstances because it upsets her so it’s easier not to bother and go hungry.

          If she offers to help me when I’m working on one of her cars I accept and just allow her to sit and watch as I wouldn’t want to run the risk of her breaking a nail of getting grease or other crud on her hands.

          I freely admit that I can do nothing at all correctly so I no longer even offer to try as I have no hope of meeting her exacting standards no matter how wrong that they are.

          I even ran the network cabling through the house so now she has nothing to complain about granted it only took 10 years to do But I eventually got around to doing it.

          If I want any sympathy I drop a car on myself and nearly die that’s good for at least 3 weeks of peace & quite as well as meals brought to me rather than thrown at me and then getting abused for messing up the floor.

          In other words I do everything that she wants so I’m [b]Perfect[/b] for her at least. :^0

          And when she gets out of control I threaten to tell the Surgeon about that mole that needs looking at, that good to shut her up for at least 1 month if not more. 😀

          What more can I say most women enjoy [b]Pain & Suffering[/b] granted it’s better if they can inflict it onto others but failing that they are more than willing to go through it themselves so they can look like the [b]Injured Innocents[/b] that they are not!

          Have a close look at my Avatar it’s part of my face taken on 9-11 yes the same day and 2 days after the 2.5 ton car was dropped on me so all the bruising had come out. Actually when I could breath again I was willing just to lie there but that wasn’t good enough for [b]SHMBO[/b] I had to be dragged out from under that car bleeding from the eyes, ears & nose. I think I swallowed most of the blood that was running into my mouth. 🙂 2 days latter I was purple from the chest up as I was crushed to 10 inches or less for a good 3 minutes on my side so I couldn’t breath properly and even worse all the blood that was being pumped to my head and upper body couldn’t return back down so I burst a lot of the smaller blood vessels.

          I don’t complain when she messes with my head by switching [b]Stuffed Animals[/b] around and blames me for doing this. It’s marvellous to wake up for a phone call to see a blue bunny rabbit looking at you and then when you hang up and go back to sleep you are likely to find anything from a 4 foot high Teddy bear to a 3 inch tiger looking at you when you finally wake up. I never said a single word when I walked past the toilet and saw that 4 foot high Teddy bear bending over the pan looking as if it was vomiting. 30 minutes latter it was gone again.

          When she says that she would like something I know that means [b]Buy it for me NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b] and do well at least if the shops are open or I’ll go there the next day and pickup what she wants. I never complained when she threatened to blow up the local shopping centre for not being open 7 days per week and then when they started opening every day she then wanted them open 24 hours per day I just stood back and when anyone complained I just said that she has a [b]Black Belt in Shopping so what can you expect?[/b]

          See I really soooo good that she doesn’t deserve me. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3211229

          Col?

          by j.lupo ·

          In reply to Can I say Mammogram HELL YES!!!!

          It is nice to know you know your place, just one mistake you have. We don’t enjoy pain and suffering. We deal with it because [b]MAN[/b] MADE THE DARNED MEDICAL STUFF. It was a [b]MAN[/b] who can’t quite get it about the pain and suffering we endure on their behalf. So there!. 😉

          Edited to add: BTW don’t men go through something similar to check for testicular cancer?????

        • #3211214
          Avatar photo

          No Mistake here just not a full explanation. :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col?

          Those things that are used for Breast Screening. The women who operate them are [b]Sadists[/b] and enjoy inflicting pain & suffering on other women who are at their mercy or more properly speaking [b]Lack there of.[/b] :p

          Have you ever heard of a Mammogram performed by a male? I’ll bet not as no male would be so rough and the condescending manner in which the women who operate those things talk down to the victims that are under their control is appalling. 🙂

          Yes I worked medical for way too long but what can I say it was an education particular in the Maternity Wards. :p

          When it comes to Testicular screening the process is similar but without the same amount of pressure applied or now days they can do a Blood Test or a PET Scan both of which would be as effective or better for Breast Screening as the current Mammograms are but far more expensive. Incidentally just for your information it was a woman who was the head designer at Siemens for the first Mammogram Machine as none of the male engineers had any idea of what would be considered as acceptable pressure to use. So while men may make them it was the result of a womans decision that they where made that way. If I was involved in designing things like that they would be no where near as invasive as the current generation are and I would expect a better than 90% hit rate for problems. 😡

          To me that % just isn’t good enough for something so potentially life threating as Breast Cancer is. Personally I think that it would be better to shoot someone than allow them into the tender mercies or lack thereof in the so called [b]Caring Profession[/b] as I’ve seen anything but caring involved. You can be certain of a couple of things when they tell you that this is going to be uncomfortable that is [b]Medical Jargon[/b] meaning that it’s going to hurt like Hell, then when they tell you that this will Hurt that means you will wish that you where dead rather than having to go through that procedure again. :8}

          If I was to build something that was 90% effective in picking up problems I would be back at the drawing board doing a redesign. The machines are simply not good enough to do the job that is being asked of them. :0

          Now you are making the engineer in me come out you should be ashamed of yourself. :^0

          Col ]:)
          [i]Note to Col remember that you use 0 not o in future.[/i]

        • #3211211

          Hey Hal…

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Col?

          wouldn’t this be more of a Friday YUCK than a YUK, do you think?

        • #3211207
          Avatar photo

          Vanessa

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col?

          What can I say we’ve gone off on another tangent again. :p

          And it’s not my fault it’s those terrible females that made me do it. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #3169027

          Vanessa – Col did too start it

          by j.lupo ·

          In reply to Col?

          he said we females enjoy pain and suffering. I simply pointed out that the tortorous (sp?) devices like forceps were all created by MALES. It also goes to show just how strong women are, males tend to faint and be squemish in the face of such things.

        • #3211131

          I believe it’s pronounced O-U-C-H?

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to Col – just so you know

          :p

        • #3211121

          Kinda like

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to I believe it’s pronounced O-U-C-H?

          Having an elephant park his ass on your very tenders.

          If you are missing part of one, they will try to get all the remaining between the glass.

          Screaming is acceptable… as long as the other women in the waiting room can’t hear it.

          The fun part is that they herd a bunch of the unsuspecting into tiny changing rooms where you are given a paper towel to cover your upper half. You then spend anywhere from 5 to 50 minutes in a room full of other women in paper towels.

          It’s hard to be witty in that scenario. But, and I think Maecuff would agree. you gotta try.

          Because of my history, my MD likes to do a physical check every time I come in for mammogram. Because he is a senior prof at a teaching hospital, he is always being followed by baby doctors. I think that it is important to be a learning experience in these situations, but I have had to set limits. No more yelling down the hall, “Y’all got to SEE this one”. After 15 students, I charge a modest fee. And if the exam goes too long and encompasses too many students, I have the right to set out a tip jar. I’m not unreasonable, I’m practical.

          For the life it is able to save, ouch is okay…

        • #3211092
          Avatar photo

          You get it so easy Tig

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Kinda like

          The last time I was in the [b]Meat works[/b] I was visited by every doctor who could get away and every student doctor in Brisbane and anyone who currently was studding Medicine at the time. :8}

          Apparently I’m the only one to have survived an incident like this and I just had to be studied I felt like the [b]Proverbial Rat in a Glass Cage[/b] and then for the quacks that couldn’t visit they wrote it up in the medical journals along with photos and I didn’t even get a [b]Sitting Fee[/b] or maybe more correctly a Lying Fee as I wasn’t allowed out of the bed at the time though to be honest I didn’t really want to move about too much anyway. 🙁

          But I just loved the questions the first one was always [b]How do you feel?[/b] I’ve just had a 2.5 ton car squash me to near death and they ask a stupid question like that! Then the next one was always [b]Have you ever had any Intravenous Drugs?[/b] Well what could I say their I am lying on a bed with 2 IV stands and 6 IV needles & tubes stuck in me and they had to ask have I ever have anything IV! The best that I could manage was to suggest that they look at the chart as I had absolutely no idea what was being pumped into me. Besides it hurt way to much to laugh even grinning was painful. I know that there was some saline and morphine but that’s about all I ever got to be told they just came and changed things as they saw fit and didn’t bother involving me in the entire operation. B-)

          Then they sent in the Terrorist that passed for a Physical Therapist’s the Vampires I could handle but that Expert in Torture was just way too much. But I got even she insisted that I’d been a lazy SOD and I had to move around so she dragged me out of the bed kicking and screaming with deep finger stains left in the mattress and made me walk. I had 3 nurses with me to make sure that none of the stuff plugged into me worked it’s way out and those IV stands are uncontrollable at the best of times but this one had about 2 tons of stuff on it the other one only had the Saline IV Drip so it was easy. The Torturer insisted that I walk to the end of the hall only about 500 metres and return. Then she insisted that I do it again but this time come back the [b]Long Way[/b] so that’s exactly what I did I turned the corner just like she wanted me to and kept going till I was outside and could have a smoke with 3 nurses in tow. 😀

          The outcome wasn’t exactly what was wanted as she got sick and tired of waiting for me to return and the sent out search parties to try to find me none of them did. After that episode the nurses wouldn’t let her near me under any circumstances as once she had dragged me out of the bed I wouldn’t get back in I lived in a chair with a NB on my lap working away till all hours. :^0

          They very quickly found out that they had to work around me and not have me work around them big mistake moving me in the first place. 😀

          I was really quite happy to just lye down and let the blood ooze out from places that it wasn’t supposed to come from. But I did get a great laugh as one of the visitors while I was having a smoke just had to say [b]Look at that Poor Man and His Birthmark![/b] All the broken ribs where OK all the blood loss was perfectly fine with me but setting that Torturer onto me was just the last straw. 😐

          Then one of my cousins came in to pay me a visit not normally a big deal but she teaches this form of punishment at the local Uni and she couldn’t believe that they had dragged me out of the bed after only 3 days [i]but she knows me quite well[/i] so she had to have a quite word in the ear of the Assassin in question. [b]Sometimes life can be so sweat.[/b] :0

          Col ]:)

        • #3211172

          Oh Shell..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to ya..

          That IS a hard job. Best be careful. You know any attempt to split them up could backfire…

        • #3168945

          its tricky

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to ya..

          i know..but the problem is..i believe they WANT babies. there has been 2 pregnancy scares now (oh yes, she gets the injection tomorrow..f*ck the pill, even though i make her take them in front of me, she can still barf them up if she wants to..injection puts my mind at ease.

          problem is, the boyfriend has been in a “institutional” foster home since he been 7. he has NO family life, does nothing, has no ambition..all he wants is his “own” little family to love. she has told me she is moving when she is 16..she won’t say why, but i know, its to move in with that little f*ck head. we tried it the other way..all it did was backfire. they got closer than ever and in truth i’m a bit concerned that he may be a bit “controlling” so watching them like a hawk.

          this is going to be a delicate procedure..but we managed to keep them apart all day saturday..took her shopping and for lunch and to the park..this is step one, do as many activities as we can, without him. get her out to places where he will not be..it will do for now.

          any ideas for me..this operation split up has got to be so subtle..she cannot get wind of it..

        • #3168904

          Sheesh..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to its tricky

          that’s tough. I wish you could just lock them up from age 14 till about 22. I love my older children, but sometimes, they have the intelligence of garden tools.

          I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it. It wouldn’t take much to have attempts to keep them apart blow up in your face. When does she turn 16?

        • #3168837

          edited out

          by x-marcap ·

          In reply to its tricky

          edited out

        • #3277647

          sounds so easy

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to edited out

          but there’s a lot of history..and up untill she met this guy a couple months ago..there was none of this type of carry on.
          i am not sending her away as she has only been back living with me full time since last summer. when she moved over to me she made friends with a group i wasn’t fond of, but it was not too bad..now she hardly even sees her friends, as she hangs out with him all the time.
          we get creative and take her out a lot, and once you have her away, she reverts into the intelligent , kind, funny, fun to be around type of person she is.
          *sigh*
          if we can make it through the next 6 weeks, she is going to a private school twice a week for “extra” lessons, and i am confident that she will like it and make nice friends (not loosers who think welfare IS a valid career choice)..so if she likes it, we are going to send her full time next year..

          i am confident that this is a phase, but we just have to keep her un-preganant and in school..i gave her the ultimate threat over the weekend, either she smartens up or she will have to go back to canada (and she DOES NOT want to do this) so she might be willing to smarten up a little bit for a couple weeks anayways, while the threat is fresh in her head.

        • #3277621

          Shell- I seem to recall

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to sounds so easy

          And given the advanced state of my senility- I could be dead wrong here, but…

          In another thread when you were talking about your holidays, you mentioned that she found any number of young men to spend her time with. Has it occurred to her that she wouldn’t be able to do that if she finds herself pregnant? Her body will change in ways she won’t be happy with, she will be responsible for a child, most young men aren’t willing to date a woman with children, I could go on but you know all the arguements.

          We have had similar issues in the US for some time now. As morality has gone out the window, the instances of unwanted pregnancy amd particularly instances of teens and pre-teens having babies has gone way up. The issue of having a “family” as you mentioned about the boyfriend is one of the major operators. It is also about self esteem.

          One of the ways that families can fight back is to put the girl into a position where they are required to care for an infant for 24 hours. Everything from feeding to nappy changing- and it works even better if the baby is colicky. The girl must provide infant care as well as manage the home- cooking, cleaning and the like. Most of them come away from the expereince with their legs CROSSED! The eye-opener is the realisation of how hard it is to manage the home and care for a child.

          Perhaps the way to cut the cord with her boyfriend is found in strengthening her self esteem to a point where she realises that she deserves so much more than what he has to offer. Coupled by a clear view of what her life would look like if she decided to “play house” with him.

          My thoughts and prayers are with you…

        • #3277365

          yup

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Shell- I seem to recall

          your right, she had a whole group of young men hanging off her just to get a chance to hang out with her. she is very very attractive, adn gets noticed all the time.
          i kepe trying to show her this, but she just doesn’t see. i don’t know..maybe staying with this guy is a security thing? and maybe if she found someone else better she’d move on?

          we’ve been through all the talks, looked up all the information, did the you can’t even clean your own room..how will you clean a house everyday type of thing..

          we’ve been trying to up the confidence, and it seems to work for a bit, and then once she spends a few hours with him, she’s back to what it was. i well and truly think he is actively taking away her self esteem. hell, my first husband did the same thing to me..i didn’t see it till it was too late, and now i feel she is going through it.
          we are trying to get her into “different circles” to meet new people, its just tough when you have to take her anywhere kicking and screaming.

          if i could find a colicky baby for her to mind for a weekend, i would pay the parents to let her do it..

        • #3277595

          Just a thought

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to sounds so easy

          but have you or hubby point blank asked they guy IN FRONT of your daughter how he expects to support a baby? Where would they live, how would they get around, how much money do they have for food, cloths, and other odds and ends?

          How about activities she likes to do. How many of them can be done with an infant?

          most importantly, WHAT IS THE AGE OF CONSENT over there? Sure would be nice if she turns out to be underage and you could throw him in jail? (I don’t have a CLUE what the laws are like over there)

          One thing I started doing with my boys is showing them all of the household bills so they now know exactly what it costs to run a house.

          Got my fingers crossed!

        • #3277363

          hmm

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Just a thought

          no we haven’t done that to be honest JD, but i don’t think it makes much of a difference..i know the palce where he lives have done it and had several chats with him.
          thing is, they don’t care. i’m 99% sure he has a plan that they can go live with his mom (he got taken away form her at age 7 – drink, drugs, etc) and i’ve heard a rumour that she told him he is welcome to move in with her and her boyfriend (once he gets out of prison they are getting a house..ya cute isn’t it?)and she’ll help them.

          we could charge him..its just somehting i only want to do as a last resort..

          i just keep thinking if we can get through the next 5 weeks, it will get better, because she be back in school, new people to hang out with, and most of her day is spent away from him and his control.

        • #3277528

          edited out

          by x-marcap ·

          In reply to sounds so easy

          edited out

        • #3277361

          you and me both

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to edited out

          i made her do a 3 page essay on STD’s.
          i even found some nasty pictures of diseased bits..

          i just cannot make her see that this guy is a waste of space…and i don’t want to completely alienate her from us..

    • #3211794

      Two men lost in the desert …

      by thefrown ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      They have no water, no food and are on their last legs …

      They manage to crawl over a sand dune and spot an oasis about two miles away. Summoning the last of their energy, they manage to get to the oasis and drink their fill.

      Looking around, they notice a beautiful house and walled garden, being curious, they enter the house and find there is no-one home. They go through the house, trying on exquisite clothes and lounging on the furniture, after a while they go into the garden.

      The garden is filled with every kind of fruit tree and bush you can imagine; greedily they start eating.

      At this point the owner comes back with a retinue of rough-looking tribesman and they capture the two men, taking them into a room that has a long table in the centre.

      “You have defiled my home,” the owner says. “For this you must be punished. I shall set you both a task; outside this room you will find two wheelbarrows, I want each of you to take one and fill it with 100 of your favourite fruit. Once you have 100 of your favourite fruit, you must come back here.”

      The two men look at each other, shrug, and leave the room.

      After several minutes, the first man comes back and his wheelbarrow has 100 dates in it. Two of the tribesmen grab the man, strip him and place him face-down on the table.

      “This is your punishment.” The owner sneers. “One of my tribesmen will push the 100 dates up you backside, one at a time. If you laugh before all 100 are in, you will be beheaded.”

      The first man gulps and braces himself. Sure enough, one of the tribesmen grabs a date and pushes it up his backside.

      Then another …

      … and another.

      This goes on until the tribesman has got 98 dates up the man’s backside, at which point he bursts into laughter.

      “I don’t undersand it,” the owner says. “You were nearly there. Why did you laugh?”

      “My mate’s just walked in with a wheelbarrow full of pineapples!”

    • #3211787

      Two methods for bathing the cat

      by tig2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Bathing the Cat- Method One

      A 5 step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without risking life, neither yours nor the lives of anyone who happens to be stupid enough to volunteer to help you with such a monstrous task.

      You will need:
      A cat (obviously).
      A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you).
      200 meters of band aids.
      Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot.
      Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist.
      5-6 SWAT team cops (or Navy SEALS if you prefer).
      A strong death wish
      A litre or more of the Spirit of your choice

      Getting Started.
      First, here are a couple of things you should know about cats, before you start:
      1. Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to shreds by frantic cat claws.
      2. Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no respect for human life in general. A cat will, without any hesitation or remorse, tear your eyeballs out, or remove all the skin off your body.
      3. Although you have the advantage of size, the little bugger WILL use any dirty tricks he can think of, so should you.
      4. Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend, as it is a well known fact that any cat is smarter than any person who is dumb enough to try to bathe one.

      Ok, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead, although, you should be aware that no man can ever really be prepared for the ultimate test of manhood, catbathing.

      STEP 1
      Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat him a little, make sure that the cat has no idea of your foul intentions, you can control this by putting your ear next to the cat’s throat. If there is a soft purrrrring sound, you are safe. If the cat just stares at you with a suspicious look… DROP THE STINKER AND RUN!

      STEP 2
      Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a surprise attack. Sit down next to him and start talking to him, patting him carefully on the tummy (NOTE: some cats do not like to be touched on that particular spot, you should know if your cat is one of ’em. Check your hands/face/arms/shoulders/legs/back/groin/butt for scars to make sure). Keep this up until the cat has started purrrrring. Put your soul in to it, or else the cat will know that foul play is involved. Remember the cat has nine lives to spend, while you have but one. If you have to spend the next two days assuring your wife that you love her just as much as the cat, you know you did a good job.

      STEP 3
      Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven, cats have an instinct, you see. Even a cat that has never seen the inside of a bath will instinctively know what is going on when you take him into a bathroom. This is known as “predestinate water syndrome” and has also been observed on young human specimens. Take the cat in your hands, and start running for the bathroom. You should hire professionals to open/close the doors for you, or else you will fail miserably. Navy SEALs should be a good help here. Try opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and you’ll see what I mean.

      STEP 4
      Try to throw cat into bathtub.
      Remove cat from scalp.
      Consider getting a new cat.
      Push cat into tub.
      Pour large stiff drink. Consume quickly- you don?t have much time here
      Go see a doctor to stop bleeding from hands and face.
      Consider getting a new cat.
      Put duct tape on cat’s claws.
      Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him.
      Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friends’s reproductive organs.
      Consider getting a new cat.
      Pour another large stiff drink. Offer one to your friend- he needs it
      Tie cat’s legs together with dental floss threads, get friend to help holding the cat down while soaping him up.
      Remove slippery cat from friends face (NOTE: Very hard).
      Consider getting a new cat.
      Pour another large stiff drink. For some reason, the alcohol will cloud your mind and keep you from abandoning the project altogether
      Get four Navy SEALs to help hold cat’s paws, while you try to dry him with a towel.
      Pay for Navy SEALs’ bills from the plastic surgeon
      Consider getting a new cat.
      Open door to let cat go lick himself dry.
      Go see a psychiatrist (by now, you will need it).
      Consider getting a dog.

      STEP 5
      Nobody has ever reached this far, but if you do, call the Guinness Book. They will need verification.

      Congratulations, your cat is now clean, although you now look like something one would normally cook for dinner.

      Cat Bathing as a Martial Art- Method Two
      Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk – dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away.
      I’ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary – the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
      The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.”
      When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:
      Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
      Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
      Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
      Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
      Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is — for cats — three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)
      Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
      In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
      You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better!

      • #3211749

        you do realise

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to Two methods for bathing the cat

        that Shelbot’s method is much easier, and safer don’t you?

        give the cat a swirly!!!!

        flush the furry stinker!!!

        ]:)

        actually, the cat around me is easy to bath.

        1) carry him into the bathroom and step into the shower
        2) close the glass door
        3) put the cat down
        4) step on him.
        5) turn shower on.
        6) have a shower, might as well you are in there anyways.
        7) bend over and rub shampoo into the cat
        8) rub your foot on him to scrub the fur
        9) wash your hair ( it got wet when bending in the shower )
        10) turn off the water
        11) open the glass door
        12) remove foot from cat.
        13) get out of shower and crack the bathroom door open to let the furball out, then dry yourself off.

        wait until tomorrow before you get near the white beast.

        Sunday is the cat’s name, aka white beast aka bugger, he thinks he is a dog, so being rough he’ll purr away and love you.
        until you get him wet, that’s why stand on him. ]:)

        • #3211724

          Would you believe

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to you do realise

          my cat takes showers?

          Also, if you turn the sink on, he will ATTACK the water. He will claw at it and bite it until he is soaked. Too funny.

          Also, I have an issue with my sewer line, and everytime the washing machine drains, it bubbles up for a minute in the tub. When the cat hears the washer go into the spin cycle he KNOWS what is coming and goes running into the bathroom to attack the water coming up the drain.

          What an odd cat.

          He is named “Hyde”, short for MR. Hyde. Because one minute he is lovey-dovey, and the next he is nuts, chasing the kids and dog around the house.

        • #3211723

          Cats can do funny things when faced with water

          by deadly ernest ·

          In reply to you do realise

          About ten years ago my sister had been adopted by a prgnant cat, said cat had several kittens. When said kittens were about eight months old my sister decided to wash them. I was visiting for holidays and got ‘volunteered’ to help, I dislike being hit with a cricket bat – so I helped. I limited my assitance to AFTER she got the cats wet, hehehe. The first kittne was no trouble, just sat there looking like a drowned rat while I washed it. Sister brings in second kitten, holding it by the scruff of the neck. Very tip of dangling rear claw touches water. Suddenly my sister still has the cat by the scruff of the neck, its entire body has twisted around 180 degrees at the neck, just behind where she has a hold, and all fopur sets of claws are well embedded in her arm. After we went outside and removed the cat (I told her to lay on the grass and place the cat on the grass too, and let go – she let go and cat let go and teleported elsewhere) I took her to the hospital for a tetnis shot and clean up. End of cat cleaning.

          The trouble maker was a real dumbo other wise. The main entry was through the back door, across the TV room (used to be a garage) and up four steps to the main hallway. Said kitten would lay in wait near the rear entrance to the TV room, when soemone walked across the room, kitten would pounce on foot – 45% of pounces usually timed with fast walking person lifting foot to step forward. Result kitten flies through air about 6 feet with an altitude of about 2 feet and land in hall entrance. He never seemed to tire of playing ‘Punt a Puss.’

          Every found a sane cat – no one else has either.

        • #3211365

          “Gozer” was crazier than ole

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Cats can do funny things when faced with water

          punt a puss. :p

          he would watch you wash and wax the hardwood floors, then when they were dry he would decide it’s time to eat.

          and getting to the food dish in the kitchen on the freshly waxed floor had to be accomplished at Mach 2.

          sharp 90 degree left turn into kitchen never worked out though.. head first into the wrought iron table leg..knock himself out for 20 to 30 minutes.

          come to, go back to the sofa stare at the door to the kitchen for 5 minutes..

          then do it again.

          he was good for about 5 trips to the sofa to look at the kitchen door before he would slow down.

        • #3211359

          and now

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to “Gozer” was crazier than ole

          with cheap laser pointer everywhere, you and re-create this scene anytime you wish! 😀

          Get them running fast, go into the kitchen and then shift directions. why is it, comedy is never quite so funny if someone else isn’t getting hurt for some reason?

        • #3211356

          And, you can actually

          by old guy ·

          In reply to and now

          get them to running the walls with the laser pointer. Start them going on the floor the run it along the wall about 2 feet high. Amazing! 🙂

        • #3211283

          He

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to And, you can actually

          It works on the kids too 🙂

        • #3211335

          the funniest part of it jd

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to and now

          was that the cat kept doing it to himself. EVERY time the floor was waxed.

        • #3211320

          I have one that projects a mouse image

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to and now

          I can keep Callie and Minou going for hours. Especially Callie. She is an insane cat.

          Callie is a very small cat, skinny and long legs and big ears. But built for speed, that cat. Minou likes to chase the laser, callie is certain that she can CATCH it.

          She also thinks that she can catch the birds on the feeder… on the other side of the window glass. Several bonks in the head later, she still tries it…

        • #3211305

          birds at the “feeder”

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I have one that projects a mouse image

          My mom always has a pile of feathers under her “feeder”, and I told her it isn’t a bird feeder, it is BAIT!

        • #3211278
          Avatar photo

          Well I’ve solved my tiny cat problem. :^0

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to and now

          There is now one cat in the neighbourhood that is a combination of red & blue food dye and Lemon Essence.

          The last time that I saw it the face and left hand side was bright red and the rear as well and the right hand side was bright blue. What can I say I ran out of red food dye. 🙁

          The last 2 loads in the water gun contained nothing but lemon essence and food dye so it was a lovely bright colour with a lovely smell. The cat no longer sits in front of the security lights and licks itself actually I’m told that it’s currently not licking itself at all now and it’s been avoiding my front driveway like the plague. It now walks down the other side of the road crosses the main road and then walks up a bit before crossing back to the same side of the main road as I live on and goes on it’s merry way. It does exactly the same on its return trip around 3.00 AM.

          What did I learn from this cats can run very fast the owner is [b]DUMB![/b] as she constantly complaining about her multicoloured cat but will not lock it indoors at night which started the problem in the first place. This cat doesn’t like water and a mixture of Lemon Essence and food dye even less.

          It’s expensive using a pint of mixed pure Lemon Essence and food dye but highly effective. [b]And the most important thing 1 Super Soaker isn’t anywhere near enough to drive a crazed cat away![/b] 2 however work like a charm particularly if you ambush the cat as it tries to make a run for it up my driveway. Most importantly deny any knowledge of the incident when the Police come around to ask questions after all if it wasn’t on my property it wouldn’t be red & Blue would it?

          I’ve also found it highly effective to race out and grab the Police and make an Official Complaint about all the Red & Blue marks up my driveway and insist that someone has been trespassing that deflects any questions about the multi coloured cat. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3211258

          You are just SO bad!

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Well I’ve solved my tiny cat problem. :^0

          A super soaker full of pepper water would have done as well!

          I personally keep my cats indoors. I don’t want them to prowl. I like the birds and Callie is a KILLER!

        • #3211241

          Indoor cats

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Well I’ve solved my tiny cat problem. :^0

          I now have my FIRST indoor only cat.

          The last two cats I had (great cats they were) just one day never came home. 🙁

          The dog never leaves the yard unless she is on a leach.

          Oh yeah, the cat has a leach and goes for walks sometimes, but that is the only time he is out.

        • #3211209
          Avatar photo

          Now be fair Tig

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well I’ve solved my tiny cat problem. :^0

          I didn’t want to hurt the cat I just wanted to leave a lasting impression on it ans stop in getting on the roof my the most recent paint job and urinating down the front windscreen.

          Cat Urine isn’t good for paint particularly when I went to all the trouble of having the car stripped back to bare metal and straightened then repainted inside & out. That cat just had to be persuaded to leave this place alone.

          Though if it had of killed the out of control possum before it went away I wouldn’t have been the slightest bit upset.

          Col ]:)

        • #3211199

          Smart Cat, Dumb Dog

          by faradhi ·

          In reply to “Gozer” was crazier than ole

          When I was a Teenager, I had a cat named Angel. (It was one of the reverse nicknames. I wanted to name it Satan but was overruled.) When the cat was about 10 years old, My family decided to get a dog, a sheltie named Sherri.

          The cat, needless to say was not pleased. Additionally, my cat was sneaky. The dog was not allowed on the furniture but the cat was. So when the dog walked by the cat would smack the dog. Of course the dog would begin barking and jump on the furniture to get the cat that was by now in Thailand somewhere. The barking would of course prompt an investigation by my parents. The dog would get yelled at and the cat would reappear with a look like “Did I miss something.”

          In addition to this, my cat would punish the dog regularly (probably for waking up that morning.) The dog would sleep in the door way of my parents bedroom. From the bedroom, there was a hall that was tiled for about 15 ft which lead into the open kitchen (another 10 ft tiled as well) and eventually to a carpeted step down and another tiled area for about 4 ft until the side of a bar (wooden).

          The cat would nonchalantly walk up to the dog and smack it on the nose. This would prompt a chase down the hall through the kitchen at full speed with the cat about one inch ahead of the dog. The cat would hit the step an leap onto the bar. Well the dog with out the stopping power or leaping ability…. This happened about one a week or so for about 4 months before that dumb dog figured it out.

        • #3211316

          I’ve found

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Cats can do funny things when faced with water

          that every cat I’ve ever come across has turned out to be an excellent swimmer 🙂

        • #3211245

          I am not going to ask just how you found that out…

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to I’ve found

          :>)

        • #3168996

          I should have added…

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to I am not going to ask just how you found that out…

          … so far.

        • #3211262

          Well now maybe I did and maybe I didn’t

          by j.lupo ·

          In reply to Cats can do funny things when faced with water

          My cat (may he rest in peace) used to enter his personal bath tub (an old bucket) whenever water and soap were added. He would lounge in the water expecting to be groomed from head to toe. Then he would lay on blanket and look at you (never meowed) to dry him. He didn’t want to put forth any effort in this process except to enter the tub himself. He didn’t like to be lifted up at all, but would tolerate it if necessary.

          He never ever meowed. Was always laying on the couche or on the furniture somewhere, came when the food was put down (magically appeared I should say). He purred if you pet him, he somewhat snored all day long. He was never underfoot.

          We nicknamed him “The statue that eats”. He played with his toys quietly if at all and always left them in their appropriate box when done.

          This is real. I had Eboneezer for 19 years. I loved him very much. He thought he was another Great Dane cause that is who raised him, our Great Dane Pepper.

    • #3211741

      Funny Quote

      by gordon1808 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      deleted!

      • #3211721

        well

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Funny Quote

        almost funny.

        Just who did Jesus get turned over to?

        Oh well, they can’t all be gems, huh? Maybe next time.

    • #3211726

      hollywood squares

      by vanessaj ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      If you haven’t already seen these, they are quotes from the [b] Original [/b] Hollywood Squares and its comics. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. If you remember these stars, they are especially funny.

      Q. Do female frogs croak?
      A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

      Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
      A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

      Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
      A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

      Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
      A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

      Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
      A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

      Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
      A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

      Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
      A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

      Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
      A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

      Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
      A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

      Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
      A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

      Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
      A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

      Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
      A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

      Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
      A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

      Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
      A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

      Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
      A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

      Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
      A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

      Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
      A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

      Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
      A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

      Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
      A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

      Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
      A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

      Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
      A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

      Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
      A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

      Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
      A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

      Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
      A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

      • #3211360

        sadly..

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to hollywood squares

        I actually remember hearing them all.. so I have to say

        you are CRUEL!!!

        I can’t get Paul Lynde’s voice out of my head now!!!!!

        editing to add:

        now I gotta go read the song from Janis, her voice is far less irritating. :((

        • #3211125

          In this case, Turtle Blues is the obvious choice

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to sadly..

          Ah, Im a mean, mean woman,
          I don’t mean no one man, no good, no.
          Im a mean, mean woman,
          I don’t mean no one man, no good.
          I just treats em like I wants to,
          I never treats em, honey like I should.

    • #3211718

      Computer Troubles

      by old guy ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Computer Troubles

      A List of Wants

      – I want to hurt my computer. I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently.

      – When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.

      – I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him.

      This should not affect my ability to hear what’s going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. “Your call is important to us,” the featureless voice always claims. I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: “Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn’t care less about you. Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing computer games. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesn’t speak English.”

      – I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an “illegal function” and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.

      – I don’t understand why new, “upgraded” software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can’t 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It’s all just words, isn’t it? There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don’t understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.

      – How come when my computer catches a virus, I’m the one who misses work?

      – I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.

      – I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every “upgrade,” it seems to grow 75 percent. That’s as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.

      – Now I’ve found out that my PC no longer “recognizes” my floppy drive. How could they not recognize each other? They live together!

      Please understand: I don’t hate my computer. I just want to hurt it every once in a while.

    • #3211310

      Cooler than a joke…Has you seen this?

      by vanessaj ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      My boss forwarded it to me last week. I must have clicked 50 times and it still fascinates me. I have seen at least a hundred different pictures so far, found a couple of naked bodies (that should interest some of you) :b , and even a couple of times where it changes the picture to another before breaking it down into the mosaic of other pics. I also think it is really a trick – I find it hard to believe that any mosaic of pics can form such clear and crisp images to start with. What do you all think?

      http://interact10ways.com/usa/information.dcr

      • #3211297

        What exactly

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Cooler than a joke…Has you seen this?

        is it suppose to be? FireFox doesn’t quite know what to do with it. 🙁

        • #3211275

          it’s a

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to What exactly

          Macromedia Director file.
          the presentation version of Flash, and actually the precursor to it.
          Flash V4 came out at around the time of Director V8

          it should be readable with a shockwave plugin.
          [ Director and shockwave are very closely related ]

        • #3211242

          Can you open it in IE?

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to What exactly

          It is a pic made up of a mosaic of other pics…if you click anywhere on it, it enlarges to show you the underlying pictures it is made up of. Try it in IE, I don’t know if it works in Opera yet – haven’t tried it there.

          It’s just a curiosity. Great for the graphically-minded. (And I mean that in a “pictoral” way!) 😀

        • #3211217

          Not for me

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Can you open it in IE?

          Still just wants to save it and then no idea what to do with it from there. Maybe because I have most of the “features” of IE shut off?

          Oh drat drat and double drat.

          thanks anyways.

        • #3211192

          JD, you are not alone

          by faradhi ·

          In reply to Not for me

          I cannot open it either.

        • #3211119

          But Jd

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Not for me

          There are some FABULOUS nudes in there. You gotta find a way…

          Worked for me. Hmmm.

        • #3168859

          still didn’t work

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to But Jd

          so I had to find some other fabulous nudes! ]:)

    • #3211259

      Things could be worse…

      by vanessaj ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Suppose your errors were counted and recorded every day like those of a baseball player.

      I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch.

      A morning without coffee is like something without something else.

      I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

      True procrastination is watching a hungry bear walk up to you while you’re having a picnic and not running because hey, you’ve got the rest of your life.

      The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to ride my @$$ today, please take a number and wait your turn!

      The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

      The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.

      Work hard for eight hours a day, and eventually you may become a boss and be able to work twelve.

      • #3211124

        And don’t forget…

        by nicknielsen ·

        In reply to Things could be worse…

        there are six days in the work week:
        Monday
        Monday
        Monday
        Monday
        Monday morning
        Friday afternoon

    • #3211250

      WARNING..these jokes are horrible, bad, terrible jokes

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      You have been warned..

      What kind of monkey can fly?
      A hot air baboon.

      How do you make a witch itch?
      Take away her W.

      There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

      The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, “Have you any last requests?”

      The man replied, “Yes, I’d like an unripe green banana, please.”

      So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

      “Are you ready?” they asked.

      “Yes,” he said.

      And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

      The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, “Have you any last requests?”

      The man replied, “Yes, I’d like an unripe green banana, please.”

      So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

      “Are you ready?” they asked.

      “Yes,” he said.

      And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

      Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

      They brought the man back and asked, “Have you any last requests?”

      The man replied, “Yes, I’d like an unripe green banana, please.”

      So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

      “Are you ready?” they asked.

      “Yes,” he said.

      And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

      Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, “Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?”

      “No,” he replied, “I’ve just always been a bad conductor.”

    • #3211208

      My husband just posted this on his blog..

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

    • #3211190

      Waxing the nether regions….

      by psykoticandy ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,

      painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the wax.

      My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
      my mind for the next few hours. Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet?
      So I headed to the site of my demise: the
      bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

      I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

      (YA THINK!?!)

      So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ( Cold wax,? yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!

      Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,
      fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire!

      With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

      I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
      (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.

      RRRRIIIPPP!!!!?

      I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip!

      CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out, must stay conscious. Do I hear
      crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe, OK, back to normal.

      I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!

      I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

      Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on

      the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

      DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!

      Butt?? -Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!

      Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and
      I can gently wipe it off, right???

      *WRONG!!!!!!!*

      I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

      Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,

      is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax. So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!?

      God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good
      conversation starter – “So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!” There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any
      secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

      She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?” She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her.

      I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!? Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s
      night.

      While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

      My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
      really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

      The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

      It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. “IT WORKS!! It works!!

      I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief

      and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

      So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

      Next week I’m going to try hair color……

      • #3211179

        LMAO

        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to Waxing the nether regions….

        That was too funny! Maybe because us guy’s do not need to mess with that stuff?!?! 😀

        • #3211090

          Don’t be so sure

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to LMAO

          I was on a Wiki Safari – random page and then follow the links – and I stumbled across the page on Brazilian Waxing (really, it was accidental!!). As I am rightly well beyond all vanity, as one who is rolled back into the water by Greenpeace when I undress on the beach, I was able to read the page as a comedy article.

          So, it’s becoming popular with gay men – but it’s spreading – to have the Brazilian Wax so you can wear the little posing pouch thongy beachwear. That’s the one, by the way, that leaves the little “landing strip”. This includes most of the pubes, all of the nut hair and eveything around the back except for the deep buttcrack hair. It would seem that removing buttcrack hair makes walking uncomfortable as the buttcheeks slide too much.

          I don’t think it’ll catch on over here… much.

          “Weers tha goin’ Seth?”
          “Ah’m off t’ builders ta gi’ some road tar so oor Ethel can fix us wi’ one o’ they Brazilian Waxes”
          “Ay?”
          “T’ missus sez ah’v ta look me best for the beach at Filey!”
          “Ay?”
          “Shez bin a bit strange o’ late. You din think shez found out abou’ me nobbin’ her sister?”

      • #3211176

        I would find that funny

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Waxing the nether regions….

        if I hadn’t had a similar experience. And of course, just before my ‘yearly’ exam. To my nurse practitioner’s credit, she tactfully didn’t mention my obvious ‘issues’

    • #3168854

      Cecil the Butler

      by thefrown ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Lady Susan called Cecil the butler to her bedroom.
      “Cecil” she said, “I want you to take off my skirt”
      “Yes Madam” he replied, and proceeded to do what he was told.
      “Now,” she said, “I want you to remove my blouse”.
      Feeling a little self-conscious, he again did as he was told.
      “Finally” Lady Susan said, ” I want you to remove my underwear”
      Cecil was beginning to feel a little upset at this, but again he did as he was requested.
      “Now” said Lady Susan,” I want you to remember that I am your employer and your boss. The next time I catch you wearing my clothes your employment with me will be terminated.”

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