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Friday Yuk

By Shellbot ·
Tags: Off Topic
The Man Rules
We always hear'the rules' from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side :

Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ; We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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Rubber Thingy

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

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Helpful Cabby

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?. . . He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

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Model Neighbour

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their
dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband
had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed
to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall
between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned,
only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's
door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it
is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't
helping none either."

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Friend For Dinner

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

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Bump

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

you guys are just no fun anymore...
no wonder i never make the time to hang around anymore..

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hey!

by Jaqui In reply to Bump

you are lucky I even saw it today.

got 20 minutes before have to be ready to go to my grandma's funeral.

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Who said?

by TonytheTiger In reply to Friday Yuk

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.

... we need it up?

Of course, if she did the dishes more often, we could pee in the sink and she wouldn't have to worry about the toilet seat :)

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* groan *

by Shellbot In reply to Who said?

thats gross...

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Buddy the Horse

by Darryl~ Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

A feller from St. John's drove his car into a ditch out around da bay. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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Golf Lessons

by NickNielsen In reply to Friday Yuk

A foursome of guys are waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women
are hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When
the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she
goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and
finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should
have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.

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