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Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
Don't remember if I posted this one before or not.

"A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!'' "


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Cowboy In A Gay Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your *****?" The cowboy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your *****. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX"

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, " So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my ***** is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Have a great weekend, y'all be cool now, hear?

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~lmao~

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Yuk

that's hilarious.

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What the SECRET one?

by Oz_Media In reply to ~lmao~

I had a good chuckle over that one too.

Have a good LOOOOOONG weekend!

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~grumble~

by Jaqui In reply to What the SECRET one?

ain't actually a long weekend for me.. I'm working the weekend.

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AWWWWW

by Oz_Media In reply to ~grumble~

I'm in Van already, heading to the Hastings Park races Monday. Have a meeting at the Coliseum re the October Judas Priest show, then it's only a few steps to the ponies on BC DAY!! $400,000 purse for the monday race card. Free baloons for the kids (and me :))remember the Powder Blues? They are on the stage at the track too.

I went to a meeting tonight right before Motley Crue took the stage. I stayed for about 20 minutes, didn't watch hthe show but coul dhear it from the office well enough, left shortly after Vince Neil tried to belch his remaining vocal chords into the mike while pretending he could still sing. This is thier final hurrah, thank god!

Buh bye Motley Crue, for the last damn time hopefully. Why can't people quit while they are ahead?

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Why can't people quit while they are ahead?

by Jaqui In reply to AWWWWW

cause he's fried his brains to badly to know he's lost it?
:)

enjoy the ponies and the powder blues band.

yup I remember them being on cfmi 101.1 with new releases. :)

danged coffee just emptied.. time to wander to the esso at burrard and davie.. timmy's coffee.

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Well in answer to your question OZ

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to AWWWWW

It's the Recording Labels and Promoters who talk them into "Just One More Tour!" :^O

I've seen far tooooo many money grubbing promoters drag far toooo many people out of retirement just so they can make a few Quid. I'm sure you know the type it's every promoters dream.

Col ]:)

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Not really but very close

by Oz_Media In reply to Well in answer to your qu ...

It's every washed-up or wannabe promoters dream.

Others now they aren't going to make any money, IF they can keep the band on goo dterms long enough to finish a mini tour then they are ahead, in most cases they lose the group halfway through and end up paying MASSIVE penalities for cancellations.

That's why MOST of these bands don't promote a show until teh last minute.

But MC has beenon this BIG NA tour, that's really just a few BS dates with a lot of promo in between. They were absolutely HORRIBLE last night, to be fair though, I must admit, the band is DEAD TIGHT, they really do have some talent now, but Vince is fat, washed up and can' tsing AT ALL. He skips the first word of two of EVERY line, because he is unable to control his breathing as he used to. He mumbles a few words and then points the mike to the audience and TRIES to get them to sing the rest, often to dead silence while he runs around thinking he's still got it.

They always said if they couldn't do it right, there's no point in doing it at all.

So tell me again, WHY are they doing it now?

THey decided to tour themselves this time, at thier stage, they have control over when and where they tour, promoters are just lackies that follow directions at thier stage in the game.

I would be way too embarrassed to do another show if I saw this happening, for some reason, bands like MC and GNR manage to draw SOME form of a crowd still anyway, well MC can, Guns and Roses couldn't put on a show form teh get go. MC USED to be REALLT GOOD live, Tommy is an incredible drummer and the show was VERY impressive. They're done now though.

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Well since no one else is putting forward a joke

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

Is English Hard to Write? English Signs Around the World


In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,
1. IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO
SEE THE MANAGER."

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS
UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP."

In a city restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR
DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF
THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR
BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN
AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER
FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ***?"

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME."

And OZ remember not to **** the expected income from the next concert on the horses. :^O

Col ]:)

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Hopefully this entry won't disappoint Oz...

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk

I'd hate to be unfunny two weeks in a row..

PMS

1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
4.Puffy Mid-Section
5.People Make me Sick
6.ProvideMe withSweets
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8.Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff
.....and my favorite one..
13.Potential Murder Suspect
And as an example
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE! I'm sorry. What was your question?

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That WOULD be funny...

by Jessie In reply to Hopefully this entry won' ...

... if it wasn't so true... I'm supposed to be "recuperating" from giving birth here and nobody does a GODDAMN thing around this house if I don't *****, whine, plead, and beg for 3 hours first!!!

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