General discussion

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #2214094

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by shellbot ·

    I’ve said it before, and will say it again.. You lot are the most humourless bunch… I mean really.. no one starts a Yuk anymore..
    here’s a start…:

    The day Microsoft makes a product that does not suck will be the day they start making vacuum cleaners

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #2829099

      I actually…

      by cmiller5400 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I actually spit some Coca-Cola out my nose on that one 😀 Damn that burns :_|

      • #2829076

        Coolness!

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to I actually…

        Thats a win for me 🙂

        • #2829032

          You should try…

          by cmiller5400 ·

          In reply to Coolness!

          You should try blowing a partially chewed cinnamon Mento’s out your nostril. That burns like h3ll more than the Coca-Cola.

          PS: Don’t ask how I know that. I’m still not even sure how it happened, but I coughed whilst chewing and it somehow got lodged up there in the sinus cavity. {shakes head}

        • #2830281

          omg

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to You should try…

          < gigglefit >

          Glad to see I’m not the only person who has “issues” like that 🙂
          ]:)

        • #3025220

          That’s okay… it runs in the family

          by cmiller5400 ·

          In reply to You should try…

          My mother sneezed while chewing spaghetti once and had a noodle hanging out of her nose :O

        • #3025188

          thats…

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to That’s okay… it runs in the family

          sooooooo gross…but hilarious 😀

    • #2829087

      Ohio Girls

      by gsg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      THE DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU MARRY AN OHIO GIRL

      The first man married a woman from Arkansas . He told her that
      she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of
      days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes
      washed and put away.

      The second man married a woman from Missouri . He gave his wife
      orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
      The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was
      better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
      done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

      The third man married a girl from Ohio . He ordered her to keep the
      house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
      meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see
      anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day,
      some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of
      his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a
      sandwich and load the dishwasher.

      He still has some difficulty when he pees.

      • #2829074

        Me likey !

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Ohio Girls

        rofl @ when he pees

        ]:)

    • #2829073

      ‘Member of Parliament’

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      While walking down the street one day a ‘Member of Parliament’ is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

      His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.Peter at the entrance.

      “Welcome to heaven.” Says St.Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

      “No problem, just let me in.” Says the man.

      “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

      “Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven.” Says the MP.

      “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

      And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

      Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

      They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

      Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

      Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

      The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

      “Now, it’s time to visit heaven.”

      So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.Peter returns.

      “Well then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

      The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

      So St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

      Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage…

      He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

      The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand.” Stammers the MP. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

      The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday, we were campaigning…

      ..today, you voted.”

      • #2829071

        Warning – Maybe Offensive to some

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to ‘Member of Parliament’

        1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big d!ck or a good memory. I don’t remember what I chose.

        2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

        3. A wife is a s*x object. Every time you ask for s*x, she objects.

        4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings.’

        5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

        6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

        7. There are three stages of s*x in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

        8. Virginity can be cured.

        9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

        10. Having s*x is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

        11. I tried phone s*x once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

        12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

        13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
        A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

        14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

        15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
        A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

        16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
        A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

        17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives.

    • #2829029

      I like that

      by theprofessordan ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Very funny. Say hi to my brother and sister and their friends by the way Shllbot. They are somewhere in Ireland on vacation (lucky dogs).

      • #2830280

        well..eh..

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to I like that

        will do if I run into them 🙂

        lol

    • #2829013

      Windows

      by santeewelding ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

      He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year and I still hadn’t paid for them.

      Hellloooo,.. just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

      I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, “In ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves!?

      “It’s been a year,” I told him. Helllooooo?

      There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

      He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

      _______

      thanx to Jim

    • #2828993

      Wow, just found this

      by michael jay ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from a dissatisfied customer regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph…

      Dear Mr. Thatcher,

      I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

      Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. “As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo”. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… which brings me to the reason for my letter.

      Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.” Are you f__king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us?

      Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s__t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

      Best,

      A former customer

    • #2828990

      Concern and panic in a man

      by nicknielsen ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Concern – the first time you can’t get it up for the second time.

      Panic – the second time you can’t get it up for the first time.

    • #2828985

      Silly Cat Videos

      by michael jay ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      No cats were harmed in the making of these videos, I hope.

    • #2830252

      Ok, not really a yuk but an observation

      by michael jay ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      It is May 1, that means that spring is in full swing and I have spring fever, so I will share it.

    • #2830251

      Blonde jokes….

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Because if you can’t laugh at yourself, you shouldn’t really laugh at others :p

      Q .. What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes?
      A .. The back of her head.

      Q .. What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
      A .. Artificial intelligence.

      Q .. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
      A .. Pull the pin and throw it back.

      Q .. What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
      A .. They’re both empty from the neck up.

      Q .. What does a blonde owl say?
      A .. What, what?

      Q .. What’s the Blonde’s cheer?
      A .. ” I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N….ah, oh well.. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea…”

      Q .. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
      A .. To see what was on the other side.

      Q .. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
      A .. From crawling across the street when the sign said “don’t walk”.

      Q .. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
      A .. So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

      Q .. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
      A .. She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

      • #2830247

        Blond Joke

        by michael jay ·

        In reply to Blonde jokes….

        Josh, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a cute blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.

        The news crew was covering the story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

        The cute blonde looked at Josh and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

        Josh says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

        The cute blonde replied, “Well, I bet you $20 he won’t.”

        Josh placed $20 on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

        Just as the cute blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

        The cute blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Josh, saying, “Fair is fair. Here’s your money.”

        Josh replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

        The cute blonde replied, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

        • #2830244

          You had to do that, didn’t you

          by santeewelding ·

          In reply to Blond Joke

          Do you have any idea what a mouthful and then a noseful of Killian’s Irish Red feels like?

        • #2830242

          Sorry to spill good beer

          by michael jay ·

          In reply to You had to do that, didn’t you

          remind me to get you a fresh one in Louisville.

Viewing 9 reply threads