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April 28, 2005 at 7:33 pm #2188684
Friday Yuk
Lockedby oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
[u][b]The Perfect Day[/b][/u]
[b]The Perfect Day – Her[/b]
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex and notice she’s gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms[b]The Perfect Day – Him[/b]
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 B***job.
7:45 Massive dump while reading sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O’Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch – 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 B***job.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 B***job.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Sh*t, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Repeat coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Watch as Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight B***job. SleepOh well, have a nice weekend anyway. 🙁
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April 28, 2005 at 7:52 pm #3262556
wrong
by black panther · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
In hers take out the Make Love!
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April 28, 2005 at 8:01 pm #3262888
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April 28, 2005 at 8:14 pm #3262881
Wonderful
by black panther · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to All depends
The previous day or night – It could be the previous year and then one sideways look would soon wipe that out! 🙂
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April 29, 2005 at 7:00 am #3262164
Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Wonderful
But you see, this being the woman’s perfect day, making love is included… which involves a LOT more than giving her man sex. You see, there’s this thing called foreplay and we women like it when you make this part last for HOURS. It involves tender kisses, gentle caresses, sweet words whispered in the ear, neck nibbling. Making love is a slow and gentle process. We ALWAYS have time for this. What we don’t really care for is you going straight for the money before we’re ready and we end up with you thumping away for 3 minutes then going to sleep… why even bother with that?
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April 29, 2005 at 7:31 am #3262136
Nothing at all, as long as…………………
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
Foreplay doesn’t constitute hours of begging.
Dawg :^O
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April 29, 2005 at 7:48 am #3262120
Strange thing that is exactly what my wife used to say
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
Until she got exactly what she wanted and then she didn’t want it any more! 🙂
Apparently being unable to walk properly had something to do with it and she has constantly been of the mind that I’ll take the abridged edition ever since. 😉
Anyway have a good weekend no matter how pregnant you really are Jessie and remember that you wanted this to happen so you can not continue blaming your other half no matter how good it might feel. 😀
Col ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 9:09 am #3262056
because
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
making us happy should make you happy!
now, why am I getting a divorce again?
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April 29, 2005 at 12:42 pm #3261941
TR Sex Clinic
by cp7212 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
Jessie, you should give us some tips more often. I am always on the lookout for some more “inside information” about women. lol
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April 30, 2005 at 8:21 am #3261380
3 minutes !
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
Who the hell has that much time to waste on a woman?
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April 30, 2005 at 8:35 am #3261378
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April 30, 2005 at 12:03 pm #3261356
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April 30, 2005 at 12:46 pm #3261351
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May 1, 2005 at 7:55 am #3261249
Think about it
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to oh no…
Every tuesday and Thursday, you have stayed up and watched your favorite TV show for the last 3 years, before finally making it to bed for a good night’s sleep. Then a single CABLE channel takes over the broadcast.
You subscribe to the channel that has taken over, so you can continue to watch your favorite show but now it plays 5 nights a week.
After the first few episodes thay start showing repeats, do you REALLY think you’d be staying awake to watch it everynight until they run a new season?
You would be lucky to make it to the first commercial before you snooze off, just nothing to grab your attention anymore, even though at ONE time it was your favorite show.
Don’t expect guys to stay up and watch the same episode evey night, with the same characters, the same ending and the same excitement (which fades real fast after a few repeats).
The common answer to this boredom is for the guy to either watch a new show or simply wait for a new episode, tuning into the first couple of minutes every night just to see if it’s a repeat before curling up to get some much needed, and preferred sleep.
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May 1, 2005 at 11:53 am #3261220
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May 1, 2005 at 12:57 pm #3261215
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May 1, 2005 at 3:05 pm #3261192
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May 1, 2005 at 7:38 pm #3261165
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May 2, 2005 at 5:18 am #3260764
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May 2, 2005 at 7:44 am #3260671
Face it
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to oh no…
We both live in huge countries, we have more space than you could explore in three lifetime’s, but another ME would be too much. I would hunt me down and kill me within a week.
I feel that you would have a wee bit of a problem with another lady as tough and strong as yourself. You couldn’t hack YOU and you know it. 🙂
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May 2, 2005 at 8:16 am #3260632
you have a point
by maecuff · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to oh no…
I have a sister who is very much like me, she’s just not as friendly, doesn’t possess much of a sense of humor and has a great big giant bitter chip on her shoulder. In other words, she’s a bitch. In many ways, though, we’re very much alike. When I see her behavior, it reminds me to tone it down and to just be FRIENDLY. Unless I really really can’t..
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April 30, 2005 at 8:27 am #3261379
NO you don’t ALWAYS have time for this at all
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
I know many women who would call you an overpatient liar for such a comment.
SOME women are just as ready to roll as any guy would be, sometimes it doesn’t have to be ‘wham bam thank you maam’ but wham bam, smash, crash, thump, bong, kaplowie, sproing, thumpity-thumpity-crash smash, boingy-boingy-boingy, YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!!!!!, WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO, gigiddy-gigiddy-gigiddy, WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! YYYYEEEEEEEEAAHHHH!!!
And usually the woman who wants that rarely has any time for tenderness and hugs, that stuff’s for married people who need some fantasy to spice up the thought of banging the same person ‘AGAIN’.
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May 1, 2005 at 12:35 am #3261280
Amen!
by cuteelf · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
Amen, sister!
We girls get tingly when you say “I’ve done the dishes..lets go make love”
We get tingly DURING, not at the climax.
We enjoy the whole concept, not the big smile afterwards and you snoring.
😛
Cuteelf
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May 1, 2005 at 7:59 am #3261248
So rent a movie
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Amen!
Rent a good ole Hugh Downs lovey-dovey movie, let us know when to join in and then enjoy the rest of yor movie,but keep the volume down so I can sleep.
Or say YES a lot, and practice your stretching.
Either be willing to swing from the chandelier with your ankles behind your head or get ready for a nap.
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May 1, 2005 at 11:35 pm #3260811
that’s not foreplay.
by jaqui · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
spending an hour tying her up, cutting her clothing off her, clamping nipples and cl@@, ramming large objects in, whipping her for an hour…
that’s foreplay.~g~
( yes my wife knows my interests… and shares them. )
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May 2, 2005 at 2:55 am #3260799
You heathen you
by cuteelf · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to that’s not foreplay.
got any brothers? 🙂
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May 2, 2005 at 8:04 am #3260643
Reply To: Friday Yuk
by firefly1522 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.
Maybe I should be a man, then. My husband and I are opposites. He’s the one who wants to cuddle afterwards.
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April 29, 2005 at 4:23 am #3262822
What do you call a couple of burglars that don’t wash???
by skidoggeruk · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
A PAIR OF DIRTY NICKERS
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April 29, 2005 at 5:37 am #3262799
The ‘REAL’ Reason For The Oil Shortage
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
The ‘REAL’ Reason For The Oil Shortage
There are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC
*****************************************************
How Many Democrats Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?
Four hundred and seventy one:
12 to investigate the Texas Oil Industries involvement in the failure of the old bulb,
23 to reregulate the light bulb industry,
16 to demand funding for alternative lighting R&D,
34 to increase the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs,
9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don’t start buying more 110-volt bulbs,
53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,
40 to fully fund a new “volunteer” youth program which guarantees $10.00 per hour for anyone who can write an essay about why the environment and whales will be saved if light bulbs are changed.
43 to organize a protest including the NAACP, NEA and AFL-CIO to demand reparations for all building janitors who have slaved to change light bulbs all by themselves for decades.
35 to take polls in California to prove that if the bulb really needed to be changed, Californians would have already formed an encounter group, funded a multi cultural task force and have assigned gay and transsexual experts.
41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead, and
165 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.
******************************************************
– Here’s Your Moral Dilemma of the Day
OK, here’s your dilemma of the day:
You are the President of the United States.
You’ve just learned that there is an asteroid headed for France that will completely wipe out their entire country.
It is scheduled to hit about 2:30 a.m. in just two days from now.
You have enough ships and military personnel nearby that can help evacuate their people safely, but they are on stand-by in case of war with Iraq.
Your question: do you set the VCR to record the asteroid hitting France, or do you stay up to watch it live?
*****************************************************
YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT…
* You own something that says, “Dukakis for President, ” and still display it.
* You’ve tried to argue in favor of anything based on, “Well, they’re gonna do it anyway so…”
* You’ve ever said, “We really should call the ACLU about this.”
* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
* You ever based an argument on the phrase, “But they can afford a tax hike because…”
* You’ve ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.
* You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.
* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, “America is undertaxed.”
*****************************************************– You Must Be a Liberal If……….
If you think Rob Reiner had to stretch to play the liberal in “All in the Family”
If you think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.
If you’ve spent no less than 30 years in the walls of academia and don’t see how today could be too much different from the ’60s.
If you think the criminal has more rights than the police who arrest this criminal, unless the crime is sexual harassment, or racism.
If you use the term ‘open-minded’ and don’t care that it can’t be defined in absolute terms.
If you think only white people can be racist.
If Clarence Thomas made you sick, Bob Packwood made you protest, but Bill Clinton is a victim of partisan politics.
If you think that teenager’s sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a “correctional institution”.
If you think Maxine Waters and Sheila Jackson Lee are articulate geniuses but Justice Clarence Thomas, Dr. Alan Keyes and Dr. Walter Williams are dolts.
If you think Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan are mean spirited racists and promote hate crime but Maxine Waters, John Conyers and Louis Farakahn aren’t and don’t.
If you think that the Constitution is a living document and should be changed but the writings of Karl Marx are “written in stone”.
If you think burning the United States flag should be Constitutionally protected but burning a cross should be outlawed.
If you think that tax cuts hurt poor people and are uncompassionate but taking 30% from their paychecks is compassionate
If your idea of hell is having to mind your own business and not meddle in other people’s lives.
If you believe that posting the “Ten Commandments” in schools will hurt the children, but putting “Heather Has Two Mommies” or “Ask Alice” (on the internet) won’t.
If you think that the American Dream could have only been accomplished in the ’60s.
if you think that conservatives have no sense of humor then shudder at the idea of a Clinton joke.
If you actually do believe that Clinton doesn’t know the definition of the words “alone”, “is”, or “correct”.
If you believe that Columbus is a mean-spirit bringer of genocide, and never should have explored to the new world, which meant that no one would have religious or taxation freedom whatsoever.
If you think that the only way the tragedy in Littleton, CO could have been avoided was to restrict the access of the guns, two of which were bought on the black market.
If you actually think the multicultural movement of the ’90s works better than organized religion.
If you don’t want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won’t do the right thing.
You’re a liberal if you can’t see the irony in your own beliefs.
If you believe Peter Jennings is a very educated and intelligent man.
If you can actually believe everyone around Bill Clinton is lying, but Bill Clinton himself is telling the truth.
If you point to God’s forgiveness of King David in reference to Bill Clinton but “forget” to read the rest of the scripture about the ruin that he inflicted on his family, his kingdom and himself.
If you think that the only acceptable hate crime is Christian bashing.
If you want to make the rich “pay their fair share” but leave Ted (more people have been killed in my car than in an American nuclear power plant) Kennedy and Dick Gebhardt out of the definition of the rich.
If your idea of compassion is giving a homeless person a shopping cart but expecting them to accept the responsibilities of life is mean spirited, racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
If you think Princess Diana was compassionate for hugging poor children and children with AIDS (while “forgetting” about her getting in her limo and driving away) but Mother Teresa makes you uncomfortable.
If you think that “dumbing down” America’s school kids is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is “mean spirited”, racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
If you think that Teddy Kennedy, Jesse Jackson and the KKK don’t have anything in common (at least the KKK is honest about their goals).
If you think that people need to be punished for good choices and rewarded for bad ones.
You’re a liberal if you think what Hitler did to the Jews is horrible but the “Christian Right” is dangerous and needs to be done away with.
If you don’t see the parallel between yourself, Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin and Chairman Mao.
If you believe that the “700 Club” are a group of fakes or actors but the people on “The Jerry Springer” show are real people.
If you actually refer to the Reagan and Bush Presidencies as one Presidency.
If you think that affirmative action is the only way to solve racial problems in America.
If you think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon.
If you think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they’re extremists!
If Sean Hannity makes no sense and Alan Colmes makes perfect sense.
If you voted for Mondale in 1984 thinking that raising your taxes was a good idea.
If you refer to listening to Jesse Jackson or Sam Donaldson as “equal time”.
If you make snide remarks to guys for looking at women but champion Clinton’s right to do whatever he wants with his interns.
If you think the impeachment vote was ‘just about sex’.
If you think all the attacks against Republicans are justified, but got outraged about the Willie Horton incident.
If you actually think Clinton ‘only inhaled’.
If the last ‘good old president’ you remember was Carter.
If you condemn Dan Quayle for misspelling potato and then ignore the witticisms of Al Gore (who are these people?)
If you think Alec Baldwin was justified in his protest on the Jay Leno show.
If you actually think there IS a way that the Republicans can poison the water supply to certain people, and destroy the ozone layer.
If you believe any of the conspiracies such as that the AIDS virus was started by the government or that certain products cause sterility in black males, but think “The X-files” is too far fetched.
If you think that Watergate and Iran-Contra was a travesty of justice, but anything against Clinton is partisan!
If you believe VH-1 when they tell you that warning labels were put on by “Conservatives led by Tipper Gore”.
If you believe Clinton’s ‘change of heart’ after the sudden switch in the 1994 election.
If you use the words “right wing extremist” at least four times in any given day.
If you think that bombing on Iraq couldn’t have possibly had anything to do with the impeachment vote… then why did they stop as soon as the vote was done?
If you think that the four cops who beat Rodney King should have been thrown in jail forever, but the four thugs who beat Reginald Denny should have fair justice.
You complain that your community has too many white people and the Catholic church you go to doesn’t have enough ethnicity, but you’re the first one with a for sale sign in your yard when blacks start moving in.
You called Vietnam Veterans “baby killers” but think that allowing a woman to suck her baby into a sink is a constitutionally protected right.
You think that Joe Camel and big tobacco are out to kill your babies, but allowing a babies brain to be sucked out of its skull when it’s 1/3 of the way out of the birth canal is paramount to a free society.
You scream if a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiveing oral sex from an Intern is just fine.
You believe that Clinton was forced to lie under oath by the “Vast Right Wing Conspiracy”
You think that Ken Starr is the devil’s helper for calling Monica’s mother to testify but believe that Ollie North’s wife and minister being called before the grand Jury was fair.
You believe Clinton’s numbers about the number of jobs created and don’t credit it to the businesses given opportunities in the 1980s.
You know no recorded economic history (e.g. the massive stagflation and recession) before the Reagan Era.
You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.
You get mad when rape victims’ sexual history is plastered all over the news media, but think Paula Jones’ sexual history “must be made public.”
You hate Hillary jokes.
You hate Monica jokes.
You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.
You fully support women who have “exercised their right to choose” when they abort in the 3rd trimester, but think Amy Grossberg should get the death penalty before the trial even goes to court.
You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.
You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure
If you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death because he is a minority or gay and you rally about punishing the bigot who committed the terrible act BUT, if you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death for his money, and you start talking about the poor disadvantaged person who is forced to commit such acts to survive.
You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions but “Platoon,” “Dances with Wolves” and “Thelma and Louise” are realistic.
You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie – until it made Pocahontas.
You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.
You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).
You are appalled at all the money being spent investigating the alleged illegal activities of Bill Clinton, but insist that investigating 75 charges (74 which were dismissed as unfounded) charges against Newt Ginrich was “the only just thing to do.”
You want to outlaw cigarrettes and legalize marijuana
You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.
You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.
You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.
You just know that everything Rush Limbaugh says is a lie but you have never listened to him.
Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.
You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.
You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.
You see cartoons condemning religions and making fun of Christianity as funny and an expression of free speech, but think the cartoon B.C. should be banned.
You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
You consider the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.
You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant “fundamentalists” are guardians of democracy.
You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.
You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.
You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.
You don’t understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else’s employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.
You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.
You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that’s happened in the past quarter-century.
You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies – after leading them on a high-speed chase – are the victims of the decade.
*****************************************************Have a good one people. 😉
Dawg ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 6:06 am #3262200
You know that you’re a republican when…
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to The ‘REAL’ Reason For The Oil Shortage
You believe global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You think God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
You’re for prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah.
You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy liberals.
You actually believe that people own AK-47’s for “hunting purposes”
—————
Just a few that I understood – for the purposes of a little balance!
Neil 😀
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April 29, 2005 at 6:39 am #3262181
Thanks Neil, I was looking for that but couldn’t find it in time………..
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to You know that you’re a republican when…
besides the whole post was getting too long anyway. Like you, I thought it needed some balance added. Either way, I know it’ll piss somebody off; it’s more fun when you can nail them all in one go. :^O
Dawg ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 6:52 am #3262172
I think the key word is “nail”
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Thanks Neil, I was looking for that but couldn’t find it in time………..
Have a good weekend – it’s nearly going-home-time here and Monday is a public holiday (birthday of Marx or something).
Neil 😀
And it’s going to be sunny and 72 degrees!
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April 29, 2005 at 7:14 am #3262149
Now what’s that in Celsius??? Hmmm?? Oh yeah, 22C ……………….
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I think the key word is “nail”
Won’t need a jacket until after sunset. Should be nice but what do you care when you’re sitting at the bar. Pity us. Our forecast is rain, rain and more rain. Temps will be between 11-12C or if you prefer 52-55F. Canada is 6 months of winter and 6 months of poor sledding. Last weekend there was snow out west, somewhere. The good thing about rain is you don’t have to shovel it and it does make things grow that you will unfortunately have to mow. The bad thing is that it screws up the skiing. Have a good one and hoist a few and be thankful you aren’t here. 🙁 If you don’t mind I’ll save nailing for another time since I’m hoping to be doing some this weekend. Hell, you’ve got to do something to keep warm. :^O
Dawg ]:)
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May 1, 2005 at 11:53 pm #3260810
out west?!?!
by jaqui · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Now what’s that in Celsius??? Hmmm?? Oh yeah, 22C ……………….
no way mon, it was out east.
the battlefords area of saskabush.
( eastern alberta and wester flatlands on northern borders of them )24, 24, 22 for last week or so here.
even when the airport has different temps the downtown temp is usually higher. -
April 29, 2005 at 7:57 am #3262111
72 F Neil
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I think the key word is “nail”
That would almost be warm enough for me to unbutton my trench coat. 😀
The last time I was in the UK I was the one standing on Briton Beach in woolly underwear and a duffel coat buttoned up all the way while those crazy Poms where in skimpy bathers and complaining about the heat! 😉
Any way have a good weekend Neil we have a 3 day weekend here as well something about I May today or something equally as silly now if only they had not stooped Guy Falks night here I could have some real fun. 🙁
Col ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 7:37 am #3262129
Never discriminate!
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Thanks Neil, I was looking for that but couldn’t find it in time………..
Treat EVERYONE poorly! It is the only fair thing to do.
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April 29, 2005 at 7:40 am #3262126
And never, NEVER apologise
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Never discriminate!
And you’ll get along nicely.
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April 29, 2005 at 1:06 pm #3261920
Be an equal opportunity offender .
by anykey??? · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Never discriminate!
that is a motto to live by.You don’t need to be p/c that way.
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April 29, 2005 at 7:35 am #3262132
Now you have done it
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to The ‘REAL’ Reason For The Oil Shortage
I can just see the hornets nest now! Most of those are too acturate to be taken good naturedly, and you aren’t suppose to say things that may hurt someones feelings, even if it is true.
was going to forward on to my liberal nutcase aunt in NY but decided that she would not see the “humour” in it.
Great job! Keep it up!
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April 29, 2005 at 7:52 am #3262115
Go ahead and do it.
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Now you have done it
It may not make her day but you’ll have the supreme satisfaction of knowing that you’ve riled up a political wingnut. Chances for that don’t happen often enough.
Dawg ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 5:46 am #3262792
Things to do in an elevator
by cp7212 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Things to do in an Elevator…
– When people get on, ask for their tickets.
– When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
– Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
– Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Mike. How’s your day been?”
– Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say “that’s mine!”
– Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
– Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn’t high enough.
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April 29, 2005 at 5:57 am #3262206
Know Your State Motto
by salamander · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
[Removed]
Apologies offered for any offense caused.
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April 29, 2005 at 6:47 am #3262175
Ha!
by maecuff · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Know Your State Motto
My sister (we’re from KY) has a T-shirt that says “What happens in Kentucky should stay in Kentucky.”
She lives with us and when we work out together, there are some positions that make my husband want to take out the camara. To which I reply, “That’s just wrong, dear, she’s my sister” and she says “Yeah, but we ARE from Kentucky.”
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April 29, 2005 at 7:14 am #3262148
Spectators
by salamander · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Ha!
Hah. Nobody should ever watch anyone else working out! Had a relative staying with me a few months ago, who happened upon me doing morning yoga (sun salutations). She slurps her coffee very loudly and says: “Damn, that looks painful…what the hell do you do that for?” Sort of ruined my sense of peace and contentment.
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April 29, 2005 at 7:23 am #3262145
Ruined your sense of peace and contentment???
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Spectators
Hell that Yoga stuff is painful, especially if you have two clinically dead knees and still insist upon skiing. It’s Tai Chi for me.
Dawg ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 7:27 am #3262139
Pain
by salamander · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Ruined your sense of peace and contentment???
“Pain is the body letting go of weakness.” 🙂
Can’t remember what movie that’s from, but I’m pretty sure that it was in reference to basic training. Yoga is murder for the first few months, but after that, you sort of forget about it.
I’ve never tried Tai Chi. I hear that it’s fun, though.
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April 29, 2005 at 7:45 am #3262123
Not so much fun as a way of life and much, much easier on the joints.
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Pain
There is more motion involved and you ease into the stretching process. It is also a foundation for many martial arts, if you are so inclined to think in terms of practicality. There is a flow to it that generates a focus on inner peace, somewhat like Yoga but is much less physically damaging to injured or arthritic joints. The most noticeable difference you would see observing practitioners of both, is that you seldom see Yoga practitioners smiling whereas Tai Chi practitioners radiate a calm and joy but that’s only my opinion. Can 1 1/2 billion Chinese be all wrong???
Dawg ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 7:23 am #3262144
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April 29, 2005 at 7:51 am #3262117
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April 29, 2005 at 8:04 am #3262101
That’s the nice thing about incest!!!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to That is the first REAL reason
It’s all kept in the family. Double Ewwwwwwwww!
:^O
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April 29, 2005 at 12:38 pm #3261945
As Al Bundy said it….
by cp7212 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to That’s the nice thing about incest!!!
When Peg asked him what they say in “Wanker County”…..Nothin’ says lovin’ like marryin’ your cousin. Just saw it last night, what a great show.
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April 29, 2005 at 6:01 am #3262204
Men and women….
by cp7212 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Men and Women
1. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, men will each throw in a $20, even though the bill is only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and no one will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.2. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he really wants. A woman will pay $1for a $2 item that she doesn’t really want.3. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items, and would be afraid to REALLY
know what they are for.4. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.5. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.6. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.7. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.8. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.9. HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.10. LONG LIFE:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.11. MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.12. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.13. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.14. UNDERSTANDING:
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage. -
April 29, 2005 at 6:43 am #3262177
No wonder men are happier…
by maecuff · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a
white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station rest-room because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friendYour underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your
big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your
nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a mustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
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April 29, 2005 at 6:59 am #3262165
Too true!!! Now aren’t you jealous???
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to No wonder men are happier…
I have to admit that most of it’s true. After 2 marriages I still haven’t been able to understand how women, with absolutely full walk-in closets and clothes in MY closet, can complaim they have
nothing to wear. Most men, myself included, will look at you incredulously all the while we are thinking about how to get you out of the clothes you already have on. :^O Mad passionate SOBs that we are, we’ll still love you regardless of what you’re wearing or not wearing but understand our preference is usually,not wearing, unless of course, we have kids and forgot to lock the bedroom door.Have a good one Mae!
Dawg ]:) 😉
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April 29, 2005 at 7:03 am #3262160
You have a good one, too
by maecuff · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Too true!!! Now aren’t you jealous???
and no, I’m not jealous. Personally, I’m glad I never feel the need to scratch myself in intimate places while in public. I like being able to cry when I feel like it. And shoes are a good thing..
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April 29, 2005 at 7:17 am #3262147
Yes, and…
by salamander · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to You have a good one, too
…we never have to reach down to check and make sure all parts of our anatomy are still there. I’ve never been able to figure that one out.
I’m also gonna disagree with one of the last points in the list…many…in fact, MOST men should not wear shorts.
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April 29, 2005 at 7:27 am #3262140
True but unlike women, we don’t give a damn.
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Yes, and…
Let’s face it men wear clothes only because there are laws against public indecency and/or public exposure. Besides who wants to run a chain saw in the raw. :p
Dawg ]:) 😉
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April 29, 2005 at 7:29 am #3262138
Point
by salamander · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to True but unlike women, we don’t give a damn.
Ha! You’ve got a point there, I think.
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April 29, 2005 at 8:25 am #3262087
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April 29, 2005 at 8:42 am #3262074
Col…
by salamander · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Point
…I’ll just take your word for that!
Last time I used a chainsaw, I wore jeans, sleeves, goggles, and gloves…but as maecuff’s rules state, women always overdress for the occasion. 🙂
Have a good one!
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April 29, 2005 at 9:15 am #3262053
Nobody wants splinters in their scrotum but the oil film makes up for……
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Point
any lack of vaseline or ‘hand’ lotion. :^O That is if the situation arises, so to speak. You just somehow know that Col is aware of this.
Dawg ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 7:43 am #3262125
Then why?
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to True but unlike women, we don’t give a damn.
Why did my husband say to me the other day, “You know, those shoes don’t go with your outfit.” To which I replied, “Don’t care. They’re comfy.”
It’s probably the REAL reason why women enjoy being pregnant. Other than that whole miracle of life thing, it’s the only time (while we’re still young) that we have pretty much free rein to talk and dress exactly how we want to without being worried too much about what other women will think about us.
Because of course, except for when we’re trying to CATCH a man, we’re not really worried about what he thinks of our attire. We know that you don’t care what we wear as long as it makes our boobs look bigger and allows you to see nips poking when they get chilled.
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April 29, 2005 at 12:49 pm #3261940
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April 29, 2005 at 1:08 pm #3261913
Truly
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Then why?
I think most women dress to impress other women. We know that men don’t care if our shoes match our skirt. Women can be EXTREMELY catty (in case you hadn’t noticed). Men NEVER make snide remarks about the amount of cleavage or butt a woman is showing.
Women for the most part, are our own worst enemies. And of course if Maxwell were to come in here and say pretty much the same thing, I’d defend my sex to my last breath!!! I’d deny it all. 😉
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April 29, 2005 at 7:48 am #3262121
or
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to True but unlike women, we don’t give a damn.
cook bacon! did it without a shirt ONCE….
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April 29, 2005 at 12:55 pm #3261932
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April 30, 2005 at 12:06 pm #3261355
Talk about painting a picture
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to or
Did someone say EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!
Sexy? Naaaaaaaah
Trailer park? Yeeeeeeeah.
Cool? Well, to each his own I suppose.
And if you really think you got some big, hairy nads, try frying the bacon on high while naked….sissy
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April 29, 2005 at 8:22 am #3262089
Mae I have to disagree here
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to You have a good one, too
Shoes are only good things when you have feet that are capable of wearing them otherwise they are just dust collectors. 😀
Have a great weekend.
Col ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 8:30 am #3262083
Col, you don’t HAVE to disagree..you just WANT to..
by maecuff · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Mae I have to disagree here
I may not be able to wear ALL my shoes at the same time, and they may collect a little dust, and yes, some are uncomfortable, but they all get ‘foot time’ and they look damn good.
BTW, I did a shoe inventory and I only have 38 pairs, that barely qualifies me for being a girl. I told my husband I need an even 50, then I’ll be finished. He’s given up on the ‘how the hell many pairs of shoes do you need’ arguement.
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April 29, 2005 at 8:45 am #3262073
Well Mae at 1.30 AM
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Col, you don’t HAVE to disagree..you just WANT to..
I’ve given up on almost anything as I’m way beyond caring. 😉
But I learned a very long time ago never to argue with a woman as it is way to painful and nonproductive. 🙂 If any woman wants to tell me it is a beautiful day out and there is a Cyclone blowing full force I just agree as the whole thing ends right there and then. 😀
Drives my wife nuts that does as I just agree with her no matter what and while she has now had well over 30 years to work out some form of argument she has not as yet found one that will work for her “YET!” She says I’m bad and I reply I’m the nastiest Bastard in the entire world I’m inconsiderate unthinking and heaps of other things sought of leaves her no room to maneuver from that point on.
Now if only she would cease and desist from wrecking the bed every time she gets into it and blaming me for it things would almost be perfect. 😀
It was just your comment about the shoes mangling your feet sought of reminded me of the Chinese who used to bind their female children’s feet. But I learned a very long time ago that women dress to impress other women and totally forget about the males around so I do not even ask anything now when “She Who Must Be Obeyed” returns home with some type of clothing to me it is just another escape from forcing me to go shopping and it is a small price to pay for the freedom of escaping the other rabid women in the shopping centers! :p
Col ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 9:20 am #3262050
The word is
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Well Mae at 1.30 AM
“yes dear”, spoken in as dead and flat a tone as possible. If you can drag it out a little bit it is even better!
yeeesss deeeaaarrrr.
Oh, I do NOT advise when they are upset to say “oh, has something upset the princes?” Humor is NOT the cure for all ails it turns out. Humor can sometimes be the CAUSE of many ails it turns out.
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April 29, 2005 at 9:46 am #3262037
As one comic on improv said
by dr dij · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Well Mae at 1.30 AM
in an argument, women are always right.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
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April 29, 2005 at 7:36 am #3262130
The great debate
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked.
“Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
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April 29, 2005 at 8:00 am #3262108
That is too cool!!! Loved it!!!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to The great debate
:^O
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April 29, 2005 at 8:32 am #3262081
Absolutely Fabulous I loved it.
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to The great debate
😀
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April 29, 2005 at 8:37 am #3262079
Well done
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to The great debate
Finally a religious post worth reading!
Have good weeks ending time, woman.
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April 29, 2005 at 9:03 am #3262060
That is too good!
by j.lupo · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to The great debate
Hey Jessie, that is just too good. I really appreciate that humor. I think I may have heard a version similar to this one, but I like the way you posted it here.
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April 29, 2005 at 8:59 am #3262065
Some of these are a bit British
by tony hopkinson · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Got sent it today, still trying to work some of them out myself
The New English Dictionary.
Abacus – A Swedish swear word
Abattoir – Three-in-a-bed in a Monastery
Accomplish – Drunken sidekick
Acupuncture – Deliberate tyre slashing
Algebra – Brassiere made out of kelp
Announce – 28 grams
Antelope – to run off with your Mother??™s Sister
Arsenic – Having sat on a razor blade
Artefact – pretentious statistic
Artery – shooting arrows at paintings
Asymmetry – where you bury people
Autobiography – car’s service bookB
Barrel organ – Brewer’s droop
Bidet – two days before D – day
Bigamist – larger than usual fog
Bigotry – lumberjack’s boast
Bile – Australian bundle of hay
Biology – science of why women shop
Bishopric – unpopular member of the Clergy
Bonsai – dyslexic kamikaze pilot
Bratwurst – Macaulay Culkin
Bustard – very rude omnibus driver
Buttress – woman who keeps interruptingC
Cabaret – Wide range of available taxis
Canteen – Someone who has reached the age of consent
Carpentry – entrance for ornamental fish
Castigate – to have a nasty accident whilst climbing into a field
Cenotaph – Welsh laxative!
Chairs – toast by the Queen
Charabancs – the cleaning lady is a real goer
Childhood – young gangster
Circumnavigation – Bar Mitzvah on a cruise liner
Climate – Motto of the Everest Club
Cockaleekie – prostate problem
Cocoa Bean – ex clown
Coincidental – having matching teeth
Collie-wobbles – three legged sheep dog
Comatose – when your foot goes dead
Combat – aggressive marsupial
Contraband – American backed counter revolutionary orchestra
Copulate – time it takes the police to show up in an emergency
Crystallise – retirement gift for Admiral NelsonD
Dandelion – Big camp cat
Delight – to make things go dark
Descant – white collar insect
Digression – Welsh fighting talk
Dilatory – Conservative sex aid
Direct – ruined by a Welsh man
Disappear – to insult a Lord
Discover – record sleeve
Doughnut – an eccentric millionaireE
Egocentric – yolk
Equip – joke found on the Internet
Esplanade – attempting an explanation whilst drunk
Ethics – County where girls with white stilettos live
Evanescent – Welsh man who glows in the dark
Extemporary – permanent
Extort – having left schoolF
Feckless – unsuccessful Irish Romeo
Fiasco -Bad wall painting
Fondue – Affectionate sheepG
Gargoyle – olive flavoured mouthwash
Geriatric – three goals scored by the German football team
Granary – old folks home
Gripes – what Australians make wine fromH
Haddock – enclosure for sea horses
Hirsute – Ladies clothing
Hosepipe – dance by sailors wearing socks
Hundred – fear of Germans
Hunky-Dory – Butch fishI
Idiomatic – Ugandan washing machine
Impeccable – bird proof
Inhabit – dressed as a monk
Innuendo – Italian Suppository
Insolent – to fall off the Isle of Wight ferry
Intense – camping
Investment – thermal underwear for bankersJ
Jigsaw – Chafing that affects only the cast of RiverdanceK
Ketchup – posh word for drawing level
Khaki – device for starting the carL
Laminated – pregnant sheep
Lassitude – being bitten by a collie
Libel – Aussie price tag
Loofah – outdoor toilet
Lyricist – complaint suffered by song writersM
Macadam – Scottish brothel
Manoeuvre – a vacuum cleaner that even men can work
Marinade – a soft drink for weddings
Merseyside – the killing of Scousers
Microbe – tiny dressing gown
Microfiche – small sardines
Migraine – what a farmer calls his crops
Minimal – small shopping centre
Mischief – head girl
Mobster – aggressive crustacean
Mucus – swear word used by cats
Mushrooms – what Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen does
Mutant – cross between a cat and an insect
Mutate – art gallery for cats
Mystical – S & M for beginners
Myth – female mothN
Negligent – man who wears lingerie
Neighbourhood – The gangster next door
Notable – full restaurantO
Online – Yorkshire word for phrase “I’ve done t’ weekly wash”
Orchid – Brummie’s son
Orthodontist – devout dentists with beards and hats
Osmosis – early Australian prophet
Overrate – number nine
Oxymoron – stupid cowP
Palisade – what the Queen drinks
Pandemonium – black and white musical instrument that won??™t breed in
captivity
Paradox – two medical men
Paranoid – angry person who jumps out of aeroplanes
Parasites – view from the Eiffel Tower
Parsnip – Dad’s vasectomy
Paucity – Liverpool
Plaintiff – row with a stewardess
Pomegranate – Australian expression used to describe British stone
Poppycock – streaker at a Remembrance Day parade
Posterity – Inherited bottom size
Problematic – dodgy loft conversionQ
Quadrant – Four people shouting
Quash – Quince cordialR
Ramshackle – Male chastity belt
Rogged – wearing a wigS
Saab – Indian for ??œNice car, Master???
Satellite – burnt behind
Scandal – footwear you should be ashamed of
Scarf – to eat out in Knightsbridge
Scintillate – to commit adultery ??˜til breakfast
Scooby Doo – responsible dog owner
Scum – “It’s arrived”
Sentimental – the perfume he intended to buy
Shamrock – tribute band
Strawberry – French hat made from grassT
Tadpole – A quarter Polish
Tannoy – to irritate loudly
Tarmac – Scottish Graduate
Telepathy – when you can’t be bothered to change TV channels
Testicle – amazing exam question
Throng – three piece thong
Toddlywinks – kip after a skinfulU
Umbrage – angry clash between umbrella usersV
Vanilla – large white apeW
Walkie Talkie – flightless parrotX
Xenophobia – fear of BuddhistsY
Yashmak – shower proof veilZ
Zebra – the largest size of support garment!!!-
April 30, 2005 at 8:20 am #3261381
Great play on words
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Some of these are a bit British
Wow, Tom, some of those are just great!
You’re right, you do have to think with a British acent for many of them, they just don’t sound right otherwise.
I liked the inclusion of the Australian ‘Libel’ . Again though, accent makes it work.
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April 29, 2005 at 10:35 am #3262022
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April 29, 2005 at 10:54 am #3262014
Yep… signs of the Apocalypse
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to funny stuff
Wasn’t exploding amphibians one of the 7 signs of the apocalypse? And I’m CERTAIN people breaking into porn shops to steal blow-up-dolls is a sign of something!
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April 29, 2005 at 12:10 pm #3261961
it’s a sign
by itgirli · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Yep… signs of the Apocalypse
A guy in Moscow that has to steal an inflatable sex doll. I want to know what the guy looked like.
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April 29, 2005 at 1:47 pm #3261883
And the guys are thinking..
by dr dij · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to it’s a sign
Gee, I wonder what the doll looked like that he had to break in and get it 🙂
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April 29, 2005 at 1:51 pm #3261879
here’s an alternative
by dwiebles · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to And the guys are thinking..
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5574810117&rd=1
ebay scares me…
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND ALL
-D
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May 5, 2005 at 11:51 am #3240922
Doll can file
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to And the guys are thinking..
RAPE charges? Does no still mean no if it is from latex?
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April 29, 2005 at 8:56 pm #3261452
I wonder is it possible
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to funny stuff
To import some of those Crows here?
We currently have a major toad problem that is expanding at a rapid rate and as yet there has been no solution found. 😉
Col ]:)
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May 5, 2005 at 11:44 am #3240928
Instead..
by dr dij · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I wonder is it possible
Import kids to lick the toads. Beavis and Butthead come to mind.
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April 29, 2005 at 11:27 am #3261998
What’s happened to the demographics on TR?
by dc_guy · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
The Friday jokes used to be clever and humorous. Now they’re full of bathroom/locker room “humor,” mostly from a seventh-grade bathroom or locker room at that. I can just sigh and excuse myself for being too old and skip over that stuff.
But then I come across stuff that is sexist, racist, and demeaning of people because of their politics or religion. Are people really reading this? I’ve seen websites predominantly visited by high school students that maintain a higher level of maturity than what TR is turning into.
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April 29, 2005 at 12:58 pm #3261929
that is why it ‘s called friday YUK
by anykey??? · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to What’s happened to the demographics on TR?
check your brain at the door and just laugh you old wrinkly @ss off. If you wanted serious, look at a different thread.
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April 29, 2005 at 1:13 pm #3261908
I’m pretty sure it’s all my fault…
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to What’s happened to the demographics on TR?
Dear lord forgive me for that there, and be with the pygmes in New Guinea.
I’ve actually noticed a decided decline in the mentality of the jokes just since I’ve started posting… but then I haven’t gone back and read what you guys were doing before I started posting… I don’t know… maybe I’ve increased the TR pool…
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April 29, 2005 at 1:28 pm #3261896
nobodies fault ,funny is funny…
by anykey??? · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I’m pretty sure it’s all my fault…
some people just don’t like the locker room humor
it makes them feel dirty.did someone say dirty I can be dirty,I like to be dirty;)
long live Ron and Larry
“If I’m missing out on the finer things in life, that means I’m just waiting to die. So while I’m waiting, I’m going to have a big glass of scotch.”
– Ron White -
April 29, 2005 at 9:03 pm #3261451
God it can not be possible!
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I’m pretty sure it’s all my fault…
A woman admitting that she is in the wrong!
I’ll need a very long horsepital stay to recover from this one and a pacemaker as well. 😀
Col ]:)
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April 29, 2005 at 9:40 pm #3261449
Well then instead of complaining why don’t you do better?
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to What’s happened to the demographics on TR?
You could always post something like this and ask the obvious question. 😀
The Rewards of Life
======================One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his
fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast
out into the sparkling blue surf.He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect
of catching a fish.About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach trying
to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the
fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why
this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a
living for himself and his family.“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the
businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than
lying on the beach!”The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied,
“And what will my reward be?”
“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!”
was the businessman’s answer.“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still
smiling.The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able
to buy a boat which will then result in larger catches of
fish!”“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the
fisherman’s questions.“You can buy a bigger boat and hire some people to work for
you!” he said.“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry.
“Don’t you understand?
You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the
world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”Once again the fisherman asked,
“And then what will my reward be?”
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman,
“Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will
never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the
rest of your days sitting on this beach looking at the sunset.
You won’t have a care in the world!”The fisherman, still smiling, simply looked up and nodded,
then looked at the sunset,
with his pole in the water,
without a care in the world.Col ]:)
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April 30, 2005 at 11:32 am #3261362
DC_GUY is not funny!
by absolutely · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to What’s happened to the demographics on TR?
Boring set-up and no punch line! Why must you post on Friday Yuk? Your complaint belongs on a new thread. Cr@p, I think mine does too!
I personally tire of the variety of jokes based on the premise that men are horny slobs and women are vain and vapid, but if I didn’t enjoy some of the other jokes posted here which I do find clever and insightful, I would just stop checking the Yuk pages. But here I am. Or, if I knew better jokes, I might post them.
Attitudes about sex, race, politics and religion are frequently indoctrinated before the individual attains the intellectual capacity to form rational views, hence the ones held are irrational, hence irony, hence humor. If you think something else if funnier, please, present your paradigm here so that it can compete amongst the others.
To me, complaining that humor is juvernile is a bit ironic in the first place 😉
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April 29, 2005 at 1:03 pm #3261924
how do you answer the tough questions from the kids…
by anykey??? · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
This is an excerpt from calvin and hobbes I keep posted in my office
How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn’t they have color film back then?
Dad: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It’s just that the world was black and white then. The world didn’t turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Calvin: But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn’t artists have painted it that way?
Dad: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Calvin: But… But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn’t their paints have been shades of gray back then?
Dad: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the ’30s.
Calvin: So why didn’t old black and white photos turn color too?
Dad: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?-
April 29, 2005 at 1:51 pm #3261880
Yes, they all lived in
by dr dij · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to how do you answer the tough questions from the kids…
Pleasantville. I thought that was a very creative movie, tho it started out like outer limits.
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April 29, 2005 at 4:41 pm #3261489
feh…
by gralfus · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Yes, they all lived in
Pleasantville had neato effects, but the plot was dismal. No actions are wrong, unless you try to harm his mother, then that is wrong. Life is meaningless and grey without promiscuous sex. There are no unwanted consequences to screwing everyone you meet, your life just becomes colorful. Unless it is his mother you try to bang, then that is wrong. Feh! Same hippie drivel in another package.
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April 30, 2005 at 3:44 am #3261410
Dear Dorothy Dicks
by jardinier · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of you old college room-mates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you?re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it?s a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn?t know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I?m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you?ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
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April 30, 2005 at 10:24 am #3261371
How to impress a woman
by softcorp.us · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring food.-
May 1, 2005 at 2:06 pm #3261201
The first is a given but just food??? No booze???
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to How to impress a woman
Man lives by more than bread alone. Nookie and a nosh are nice but you’ll need something to wash it down and for afterwards.
That’s sort of like showing up with only sardines and crackers.Dawg ]:) 😉
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May 1, 2005 at 3:42 pm #3261190
Order is important
by softcorp.us · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to The first is a given but just food??? No booze???
I thought the whole purpose of the booze was to get to naked??? Once naked, booze is sooooo passe.
Confucius say: Once partner is naked, put glass on table.
🙂 🙂 🙂
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May 1, 2005 at 3:44 pm #3261189
Linux Commands
by softcorp.us · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
For more information about these Linux commands, use man
: unzip
strip
touch
finger
mount
fsck
more
yes
umount
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May 1, 2005 at 11:56 pm #3260809
add..
by jaqui · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Linux Commands
tar
lessthose would round off the activities suggested by your list
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May 2, 2005 at 2:44 am #3260800
That’s good!
by softcorp.us · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to add..
That’s good! I’m going to remember that.
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May 1, 2005 at 4:41 pm #3261186
One for the girls!!!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
HOW TO TELL IF A GUY IS GOOD IN BED
before you hop in the sackLadies, before you date that hunky guy you met last night, read the 10 vital signs that will reveal if he’s a STUD or a DUD in bed.
The list was compiled from a dozen different American and European studies of male sexual behavior and was edited by Weekly World News’ own crack medical reporting team.
Here’s what you must look for to determine if the man of your dreams will bring you bliss or the blahs:
DUD: If the ring finger of his right hand is the same length or shorter than his forefinger, dump him fast. This guy has all the sex drive of a castrated camel.
STUD: Look for square palms and plenty of hair on the back of your guy’s hands. Scientists say this means he’s probably descended from the ancient Neanderthals and will be a tireless animal in the sack.
DUD: Does he have a huge beer belly? If he does, get rid of him. All he’ll do is squash you into the mattress like a bug and the pleasure will be all his, not yours.
STUD: If your prospective date is balding, get ready to have a good time. This guy’s testosterone level is through the roof and he’ll keep going all night like the Energizer Bunny.
DUD: Steer clear of a man who talks constantly about his dear old mom. A mama’s boy is useless in bed. Given the choice of sex partners, he’ll choose a nurse over a nympho every time — so what does that tell you?
STUD: Go for the guy with a real big nose. A huge hooter means he’s big in other places.
DUD: Drop a man whose eyes are set too close together. He’ll turn in an average performance in bed, but will tire easily. Poor thing, you don’t want to be lying there, still in heat, while he snores like a ruptured pig at your side.
STUD: Wide-set eyes are a different matter entirely. This guy is an excellent lover and he will go out of his way to pleasure you. If you like to experiment and get kinky, he’s the stud for you.
DUD: As a general rule, steer clear of lawyers. They’ll bore you to death in the sack, and if you try to get too kinky they’ll wind up suing you for sexual malpractice.
STUD: Cops are very good in bed and they have wonderful ways of using their handcuffs. Be warned though, never allow him to bring his pistol to bed. One gun in the sack is quite enough.
Follow these tips faithfully and you’ll enjoy your sex life enormously. But all the studies warn not to have sex on a first date — you don’t want your stud to think you’re easy.
Dawg :^O
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May 1, 2005 at 4:50 pm #3261185
And another.
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
10 Reasons NOT To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
5. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Except when I run with a cosmpolitan!
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May 1, 2005 at 4:57 pm #3261184
ENDANGERED SPECIES
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
ENDANGERED SPECIES
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it.
Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he plead innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge’s closing statement he asked the man, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?”
The man answered, “Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!”
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May 1, 2005 at 4:59 pm #3261182
Blonde Golfers
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Blonde Golfers
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, “OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?”
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May 3, 2005 at 12:03 am #3261607
The story of Onestone.
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone.”
He was so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name
and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of
torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!” The word got around and nobody called him that any
more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good
morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to
her! all the next day, until poor Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got
around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and
no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird
returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who
was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.” Onestone grabbed her, took her deep
into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next
night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die! What is the moral of this story? …
OH, come on; take a guess! Just think about it . (You’re going to love this!)And the moral is: You can’t kill two birds with one stone!
Dawg 😉
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