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April 22, 2005 at 7:34 am #2187175
Friday Yuk
Lockedby jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says,
“Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!The wife says, “Wow! That’s great! I’m so happy!! Should I pack
for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?He says, “I don’t care. Just get the fuck out.”
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An salesman of Vasalene cream was doing a bit of market research on his product, going house to house and asking people what they thought of the product. Towards the end of the day he knocked
on the door of his last house and a woman in her early thirties answered.
The salesman introduced himself and asked if he could ask the woman a few question about his product, which she agreed to. The first thing he asked her was “how effective do you find our
product?” “Very,” she answered. “It alway does the job required of it”
“Do you mind if I ask what it is you normally use the cream for?” enquired the salesman.
“Certainly, I use it for sex” answered the woman.
Well the salesman was a little taken back by this “That’s a very candid answer miss, I mean, we know our product is used like this, but no one ever admits to it. Would it be too personal to ask how it is used?”
“Not at all” said the woman “when me and my husband are feeling frisky in the bedroom, we put some of your cream on the door handle, to keep the kids out!”Topic is locked -
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April 22, 2005 at 7:42 am #3244514
I feel like bashing men today…
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
You know why God made most white women with big boobs and tight p***ies?
Cause most white guys are big mouthed and have small pricks.
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more to come later
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April 22, 2005 at 7:55 am #3244503
I find
by maecuff · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I feel like bashing men today…
That when I’m in the mood to bash men that a large rock works nicely.
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April 22, 2005 at 7:59 am #3244500
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April 22, 2005 at 12:14 pm #3243240
Never hit a man when he’s down!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I have big hands
Kick him!!! It’s so much easier.
Dawg ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 12:32 pm #3243232
Ya know…
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Never hit a man when he’s down!
I was thinking much the same thing the first time I read that post… it’s why God gave me big FEET!!! Well… that and so I don’t fall forward when I try to stand up.
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April 22, 2005 at 1:11 pm #3243212
Yeah that and it keeps you from standing too close to the stove and sink!!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Ya know…
:^O
Dawg 😉 ]:)
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April 25, 2005 at 7:34 am #3243551
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April 22, 2005 at 12:57 pm #3243219
my strategy
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Never hit a man when he’s down!
when a man is down, I jump on top of him and pin his arms so I can look while I pummel his face into a puddle.
Told you…I feel mean
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April 22, 2005 at 2:16 pm #3243196
How many hands do you have?
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to my strategy
Or do you pin his hands with one hand, like you’re going to feel him up, and THEN beat him into a puddle?
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April 22, 2005 at 4:54 pm #3243134
I have 2 hands
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to How many hands do you have?
to hit with…and two rather large, muscular legs which have knees to put on his arms…and hold them down.
Tactical…yet practical
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April 23, 2005 at 1:34 pm #3244988
So do I
by salamander · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to my strategy
Actually, I prefer stomping them into the dirt and walking away. The “stomp before one gets stomped” strategy. Sometimes, I’m not fast enough on the stomp, I guess. It’s the stompings that one doesn’t see coming that are a bitch.
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April 22, 2005 at 8:00 am #3244498
Isn’t that
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I find
… what laptops were made for? I seem to recall the dual purpose of taking out one’s frustrations on both your man AND your computer at the same time was the true reason for creating the laptop computer. The first “laptops” though, were much more bashable and satisfying, than the plastic tiddly-winks they call laptops these days.
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April 22, 2005 at 8:10 am #3244492
to be honest
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Isn’t that
I think my Pentium-120-based laptop is worth more than 1/3 of the men on the planet.
That’s just my opinion tho…if you don’t like it…then don’t like it.
i.e.- I won’t beat up my computers
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April 22, 2005 at 7:42 am #3244513
In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.
by itgirli · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
I heard this earlier today:
A guy walks into a barber shop and sits down to get a shave. When the barber comes over to shave him, the guy says, “no matter what I do, I can’t get a close shave.”
The barber hands him a wooden ball and tell him to put it in his mouth between his cheek and his gums. The man does so and the barber gives him the closest shave on that side. As he is switching it over to the other side, he asks the barber, “what happens if I accidently swallow it?”
the barber says, “Just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”-
April 22, 2005 at 7:54 am #3244505
I like that one
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.
😀
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April 22, 2005 at 7:57 am #3244501
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April 22, 2005 at 9:12 am #3243395
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April 22, 2005 at 10:03 am #3243348
yep
by itgirli · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Where do you get
And the latest from the Michael Jackson trial is his use of vaseline while wearing pajama bottoms hardly covering a stiffy when in the room with young teenage boys.
True is often sicker than fiction.
And then there is the lady that tried to sue the fast food place where she found a human finger in her food. It turned out she placed the finger in there. My question is where did SHE get the finger from.
And there was a kid in the mid-west somewhere who stole a head from a coffin in the cemetery to turn it into a bong.
All true, all sick, all the time….
I rock!
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April 22, 2005 at 10:52 pm #3243099
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April 22, 2005 at 2:45 pm #3243181
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April 22, 2005 at 8:22 am #3244480
This reminds me
by maecuff · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.
Of something I read in a book (I think it’s called the Encyclopedia of Bizarre Sexual Practices) Or something of the sort. Anyway, there was an entry in there about a guy who could only get off by masterbating while swallowing boiled, shaved barbie doll heads.
I understand the boiled part, hygenically, it would be necessary. What I don’t understand is the process of elimination (no pun intended) he had to have gone through to come up with this fetish. Perhaps some things are better left unexplained.
And no, I will not justify my reasons for reading the book in the first place. 🙂
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April 22, 2005 at 2:49 pm #3243179
So Mae
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to This reminds me
What else did you learn from reading this book? 😉
And more importantly did it give you any new ideas? 😀
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 3:50 pm #3243153
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April 22, 2005 at 3:53 pm #3243151
And there I was
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Quite honestly
Hoping to get some tips. 😀
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 5:01 pm #3243132
okay, here’s a few
by maecuff · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to And there I was
The whole ice cube in the mouth is completely overrated. But, that’s not really a tip, is it?
Okay, here is one tip. Do something something COMPLETELY unexpected. My husband is a very lucky man, because after 10 years, I can still take him by surprise. And it can’t be a one time thing, you have to be creative enough to keep them on their feet with regularity (but not TOO regular).
Other than that…well, alchohol in copious amounts can’t hurt.
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April 23, 2005 at 4:02 am #3243081
Mae are you trying to get me into real trouble?
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to okay, here’s a few
The last time I did something totally unexpected I was asked “What the Hell Have You Done Wrong Now?” and grilled for God only knows how long because I had done something on the spur of the moment to please the wife. 🙁
I even sought of remembered our wedding anniversary this year and got into trouble for that as well because I generally forget dates and I never have a chance when it comes to her birthday as there are 4 all 2 days apart and I’m never actually sure which is which and after getting into trouble for getting it wrong and then right one year I just gave up in disgust or out of a sense of self preservation. But even she accepts that I forget my own birthday so it is highly unlikely that I’ll remember someone else’s. 😉
After 30 + years we know each other far too well so I just buy parts for her car as required and any that I find that are a bit on the rare side which she seems to appreciate and I can get away with without getting into trouble, Thank GOD for her love of Classic Mercedes or I would have absolutely no chance. 🙂
Col ]:)
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April 23, 2005 at 11:46 am #3245013
Alcohol in copious amounts???
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to okay, here’s a few
It would tend to affect his prowess, wouldn’t it?? On the other hand it would serve nicely in lowering your resistance. Ogden Nash had it right when he wrote, “Candy may be dandy but liquor is quicker.” Definitely works if my experience is anything to go by. I don’t want the lady sloshed; just slightly tiddly. Lowered resistance and a grand old time is had by both; not that I’m stone cold sober myself. A slight buzz tends to bring out my creative, exploratory and adventurous side.
Dawg 😉
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April 25, 2005 at 7:39 am #3243549
Ice cubes… not so great…
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to okay, here’s a few
but a Halls Mentholated cough drop… is a wonderful thing 😉
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April 25, 2005 at 11:46 am #3243442
Jesse, a Halls??? Oooookay!!! That one you’ve just got to explain!!!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to okay, here’s a few
???? 😉
Dawg -
April 25, 2005 at 11:49 am #3243440
if you’re really daring
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to okay, here’s a few
try pop-rocks sometime on your guy, Jessie.
my personal bit of info for ya there
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April 25, 2005 at 12:38 pm #3243408
Halls
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to okay, here’s a few
Mentholated, they’re cool without being cold or uncomfortable… definitely adds a taste sensation… works for both parties. 😀
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April 26, 2005 at 6:06 am #3244405
Ah, the good old days
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to okay, here’s a few
When sex was allowed to be fun and adventurous.
My ex-fiance from many moons ago started out slow but was a fast learner. She was the type that wouldn’t even take her cloths off with the lights on, and after we broke up she started dancing at the local strip club. (guess I was TOO good of an influence on her!).
Women like the bath tub faucet running on something…
Oils and lotions rock!
Get and follow “the art of sensual massage”. It is something you can live by.
And of course, don’t forget the buzzing toys…
Anyone tried the body paints?
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April 22, 2005 at 8:38 am #3244458
Ewww
by jellimonsta · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.
Just one more reason for me to shave myself 🙂
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April 22, 2005 at 3:00 pm #3243172
Well a true story here
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Ewww
My son was going in for cardiac surgery which involved a cut in the groin area and an endoscope inserted to place a 12 mm Shunt into a blood vessel. When he got to the hospital he was handed a disposable razor and told to shave himself to which he replied that it wasn’t necessary as he had used his girlfriends hair removal cream and was all clean down under. 😉
This seemed to impress the nurse in question and she said I wish everyone was so forward thinking. Then he went into the OR where he had to be awake through the entire procedure and the shunt didn’t hold and got lost in his cardiac vascular system. Well they at first found it in his left lung and unfortunately dislodged it and lost it again at which point he asked what was all the fuss about as there was pure panic in the OR by all the staff. The Head Dr quickly explained that if they didn’t find it and extract it fast it would kill him to which my bright little son said OK and promptly fell asleep. 🙂
When he was woken up he discovered a female nurse bending over him with a name tag of Mrs “Sons Surname” he panicked and asked just when the hell he had got married and how was he going to explain this to his girlfriend. 😀
Actually it’s all true and even I was impressed when I was asked to speak to the nurse and explain to her what relation she was to us. 😉
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 11:24 pm #3243098
uhm
by cuteelf · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Ewww
I hope the top half 😛
Was reading book today about men & women & sex. duh.
Men “feel” emotional during sex.
Women want to feel emotional before sex.Men take about 5 minutes to finish.
Women take 25-30 to finish.Men will look at the HOT ladies..but take “it” out on their women.
Women will think WTF is he doing.Men enjoy the act of it.
Women enjoy the time leading UP TO THE ACT.now…Use this to your best.
CuteElf
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April 23, 2005 at 11:24 am #3245025
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April 22, 2005 at 12:03 pm #3243279
ROTFL
by bfilmfan · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.
Sick, but I love it!
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April 22, 2005 at 12:07 pm #3243277
Apologies…
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.
… are not necessary as this is the Friday Yuk… where pretty much anything goes, frequently the sicker the better! And that one WAS pretty sick… FUNNY AS HELL… but definitely sick.
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April 22, 2005 at 8:09 am #3244494
Aggie joke
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
One weekend, two Texas A&M students decided to go to Padre Island. After arriving there, they really didn’t know what to do so just started walking down the beach.
After a half hour, they come across this stunning woman laying tanning in a bikini. Being dumbfounded, they stop and stare at her.
As soon as she notices them, she lowers her sunglasses and looks at the second aggie and smiles. The first Aggie, seeing he didn’t return the courtesy says to the second “Hey stoopid! She’s smilin at yew! Smile back, yew idjit.” So, the second Aggie smiles with a big s***-eatin southern grin.
Seeing this, the girl winks at the second Aggie. Still in a punch-drunk love, he just stands there until the first tells him “God yew idjit! wink back! WINK…BACK!” So, the second Aggie winks back at the girl.
Evidently interested in him, the girl sits up and smiles and slowly raises her top and shows him her breasts.
Both boys, in shock, stare and then the first Aggie says ” OH MAN!!! DUDE!!! Yer gunna score!! Show her yer nuts!”
So the second Aggie looks at him hesitantly, shrugs…then puts his thumbs in his ears, sticks his tongue out and goes “BLRBLRBRLRBLRBLR!” and dances around the beach.
—————–
Shows you what stupid dudes will do for some action.
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April 22, 2005 at 8:26 am #3244477
Reasons why beer is better than a man
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
A beer won’t expect you to cook dinner when you’re not hungry.
A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
A beer doesn’t care if you go shopping.
A beer doesn’t mind when your mother visits.
A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
Having a beer can’t make you pregnant.
A beer won’t tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn’t love it more than you.
A beer doesn’t want to go out alone with the other beers.
A beer doesn’t sulk.
A beer wouldn’t waste its money on Playbeer magazine.-
April 22, 2005 at 8:29 am #3244475
you don’t
by anykey??? · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Reasons why beer is better than a man
have to wash a beer to make it taste good
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April 22, 2005 at 9:10 am #3244414
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April 22, 2005 at 8:27 am #3244476
firefighter comedy
by anykey??? · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
A guy comes home one night and tells his wife,”woman i’m gunna start runnin this house like a fire station.”
When I yell 1 alarm you stop what you are doin
when I yell 2 alarm you take off all your clothes
When I yell 3 alarm you get to the bedroom and assume the positionWell he gets home the next night and decides to try it out.
he yells 1 alarm, his wife stops cookin instantly
he yells 2 alarm, his wife strips down naked
he yells 3 alarm, his wife runs off to the bedroom and assumes the positionwithin seconds he is in there pumpin like the worlds comin to an end
and couple of seconds later his wife is screamin 4 alarm 4 alarm
he says 4 alarm what the h*ll is 4 alarm
she yells back MORE HOSE I NEED MORE HOSE.
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April 22, 2005 at 9:15 am #3243392
Fix your tags Jess
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Stick with the program lady!
et your Friday Yuk Tags to coincide with the others, for easier tracking, once they finish the system.
I was told/asked/challenged by Jay, I’m just slinging the crap down the line to you now.
😀
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April 22, 2005 at 9:37 am #3243368
There!!!
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Fix your tags Jess
You happy now?!?!?! :p
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April 22, 2005 at 10:05 am #3243346
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April 22, 2005 at 10:12 am #3243343
You too.
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Mucho
Enjoy the races… I assume you mean 21Celsius… since that’s what the rest of the world apparently uses… I don’t understand why. Fahrenheit seems so much more accurate to me… more decimals to use…
Anywho… have a GREAT weekend yourself. Win LOTS of money… or at least don’t lose your shorts!
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April 22, 2005 at 11:50 am #3243288
Um think about that
by jamesrl · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to You too.
You can use as many decimals in either system as you like.
I too assume he means Celsius. The nice thing about Celcius is you don’t have to memorize the freezing or boiling points of water.
The metric system in general makes so much sense. Pity Canada didn’t adopt it before I learned the imperial system. I am one of the people who learned one system, then switched in high school to another. Science stuff is definately easier in metric.
James
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April 22, 2005 at 11:57 am #3243282
try doing it twice!
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Um think about that
In England I learned Metric, then came to Canada and learned Imperial, then they switched o metric.
In trade school, it is 50/50, you need metric and imperial tools (even for cars manufactured in the same place and often for the same car). You need measuring instruments in both as well as one or the other. You are CONSTANTLY converting back and forth, you look at a bolt and think 1/2″, then as you walk to your tools you are thinking 12mm, 13mm’ish). You return with three sockets and find it is imperial, the bolt adjacent to it and installed for the same part is metric though.
I wouldn’t mind if they could pick a system and stick to it. But this half and half crap is tiring.
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April 22, 2005 at 12:56 pm #3243220
I got lucky
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to try doing it twice!
I was in that generation where the USA under Jimmy Carter was looking to either convert or use both systems as a standard.
I still just figure in my head ((f-32) * 5) /9 when I talk to my friends in Europe for temps…or about 2.54cm = 1 inch, 3.3 feet = 1m, etc etc etc.
simple math is nice 🙂
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April 22, 2005 at 8:39 pm #3243121
Why think?
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to try doing it twice!
Yeah I had to learn volumes and measures and conversions for 6 years of gruelling automotive tests.
But now I just ‘calculator it’ if I don’t just know it right off. Most measurements I just know what they are either way, if not I use a converter or just come close.
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April 23, 2005 at 4:29 am #3245100
Well OZ you’ll probably love this one
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to try doing it twice!
Many years ago we imported several Cosworth DFV motors they where the 3.5 Liter F1’s of the day for a car that we where building for a customer and because it was never intended for the F1 scene but the Prototype class in the LeManns 24 hour we got a heap of spares as well and the measuring equipment to go along with them as at the time we had converted to metric here and couldn’t convert to the required tolerances. 😉
Well about a week after the shipment arrived we where raided by the Feds for importing illegal goods and they burst in with M16’s Drawn and pointed, when one kicked my office door in I was busy and without even looking up I just told the guy to F##K OFF I’m busy! 😀
That didn’t go down overly well particularly as I refused to even look up and continued doing what I was doing and completely ignoring the Fed who was getting more and more Pissed Off by my total lack of concern. 🙂
Anyway eventually I was called by one of the partners and I looked up and saw this guy more than a bit hot under the collar and immediately thought that something had been added to our container of the illegal narcotic variety which we knew absolutely nothing about as at the time we had not opened the container. Anyway I grabbed the keys and a pair of bolt cutters to open the container and was almost laughing when the Feds wet themselves over all the Imperial Measuring Equipment until I realized that they where being serious and impounding the lot. They left us the motors and spares but took every piece of measuring equipment and insisted that we use Metric when the original design was in Imperial with tolerances of up to 4 microns. 😉
Anyway eventually we got it all back but needed to go to court first because there was no metric measurements on any of the stuff so it was Illegal to bring in. Talk about Bureaucratic Red Tape. But I just loved the response from the Feds as they did act a bit on the overkill side of things after all we where a engineering workshop and where hardly likely to be the slightest bit violent but they had to protect themselves just in case one of the fitters actually shook one of their hands and left grease on it. 😀
But what was really funny was that all the measuring equipment was oiled metal to stop it rusting so they had to wash their hands before leaving anyway. 🙂
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 12:06 pm #3243278
;)
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Um think about that
I knew that James… this IS the friday YUK after all, and I was having a sarcastic moment… I’ll remember to post my smilies next time so as not to confuse people. 😉
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April 22, 2005 at 12:27 pm #3243235
Work in Celsius; feel in Fahrenheit.
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Um think about that
I love working in metric; it’s so damn logical and easy but when they say it’s 15-18 degrees; does that require a jacket or not??? :^O
Dawg ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 12:35 pm #3243228
Depends – are you a hardy Canadian
by jamesrl · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Work in Celsius; feel in Fahrenheit.
Or a wimpy person from southern climes?
I think I really learned the temps well working on ski racing courses. The snow guns now make snow even at slightly above freezing, but the quality of the snow differs. Maintaining the course gets harder the warmer it gets. So we watched the forecasts and thermometers carefully.
I do know people who know one unit of measurement in metric and another in Imperial. Its really confusing to talk about miles per litre…
James
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April 22, 2005 at 1:25 pm #3243208
Well I don’t mind skiing when it’s -20F or -29C. Is that hardy enough?
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Work in Celsius; feel in Fahrenheit.
It’s those mid range temperature between 12-22 degrees Celsius that always seem to make me pause and force me into doing the conversion. Once done you feel like kicking yourself because logically you should know this stuff by now.
Dawg 😉 ]:)
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April 23, 2005 at 12:01 pm #3245007
Col; The oil probably helped with their self-abuse program.
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Um think about that
Seeing as they were Feds, I would be safe in assuming that like most Feds everywhere, they’re a pack of total jerk-offs. On that basis they should have been extremely grateful. Government cost cutting has probably eliminated “vaseline” and “hand lotion” as “office supplies”. 😉
Dawg ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 10:17 am #3243338
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April 22, 2005 at 12:29 pm #3243233
Showoff!!!!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to it’s gonna be 28 and sunny here
:^O
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April 22, 2005 at 1:00 pm #3243218
I might be swill, according to some
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Showoff!!!!
but, I was smart enough to move to FL before housing got into 6-figures for a 2 bed home 🙂
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April 22, 2005 at 3:18 pm #3243164
Well in that case I’ll not
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Showoff!!!!
Mention the Temp here. 😀
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 3:11 pm #3243166
Jessie we’ll learn you yet!
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to There!!!
The people behind TR have been working very hard to improve the site and despite my suggestion of placing Bromide in all the upper management teams coffee machine so the real workers can get on with their work they seem to be succeeding. 😀
Now don’t forget next time you open a thread to post it properly so we can pick it us easily. :p
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 1:03 pm #3243215
Absolutely Guaranteed to offend somebody!!!!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Draw a Pig – What your Picture Means
On a sheet of paper, draw a picture of a pig.
Do your best.
Then scroll down and read the rest of this message.
Don’t cheat, because if you do it won’t work.
Draw the pig first and just follow the instructions, it won’t take but a
minute.
Have fun. This is quite interesting! You must not scroll down until you
have drawn the pig.
Draw your picture. No cheating now. You will find this veryinteresting if
you draw your picture first!
*******************************************************YOU’RE CHEATING! DRAW THE FRIGGIN PIG!!!
IT RUINS THE JOKE IF YOU DON’T DRAW THE PIG. IT
DOESN’T HAVE TO LOOK GOOD. JUST DO IT. IT’LL TAKE 20 SECONDS.YOU’LL BE SORRY IF YOU DIDN’T DRAW THE PIG.
*******************************************************
The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.
If the pig is drawn:Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
Toward the middle, you are a realist.
Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave
negatively.Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates
(birthdays, etc.)
Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don’t have a strong sense
of family, nor do you remember dates.
Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil’s
advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details
and are a risk-taker.With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a
period of major change.
With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the
better.The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!! (And
again more is better!)OK, SO WHO DIDN’T DRAW A TAIL ????
#####################################################
Lady Golfers – English – Irish – Scottish
Golfers
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.“Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband
demanded.“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake
of decency, here’s ?50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?”
She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”
He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s ?20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!”Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.“Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?”
She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any.”The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and hands her a comb saying, “Well, fer the love ‘o
Jasus, ‘n the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”######################################################
New Words – New Definitions
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn’t get it.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It’s, like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like, a
serious bummer.Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.And, the pick of the bunch:
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an a$$hole.
######################################################
Quotes About Dogs
Dogs
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
his tongue.” -Anonymous“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.” -Ann Landers“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
went.” -Will Rogers“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
Ben Williams“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself.” -Josh Billings“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” -Andrew A.
Rooney“We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever
made.” -M.Facklam“Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.” -Sigmund
Freud“If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons…” -James Thurber“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.” -Robert Benchley“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult.” -Rita Rudner“Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard.” Dave Barry“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
-Franklin P. Jones“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can..
That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.” – Joe Weinstein“Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a
dog,it’s too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx“Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from
a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a
cow…. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” -Anne Tyler“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.” -Robert A. Heinlein######################################################
The Pope – John Kerry & George W Bush & Dick Cheney
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on
Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic
commotion just off shore.There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws
of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came
racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush
quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side while Dick Cheney reached
out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water.Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and
hauled it into the boat.Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. “I give you
My blessings for your brave actions,” he told them. “I heard that there
was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I
have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick “Who was that?”
“It was the Pope,” Dick replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has
all of God’s wisdom.”“Well,” President Bush said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom, but he
doesn’t know squat about shark fishing……………….how’s the bait
holding up?”######################################################
Understanding Australian Slang – Caution – This absolutely is guaranteed to offend somebody!!!!
” Understanding us Aussie’s ”
ABRA-KEBABRA
A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes
down the performer’s throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly
reappears on the taxi floor.AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitaliaBEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual (male)BEER COAT
The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3 in the morning.BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you’re too pissed to remember where you live, how you
got there, and where you’ve come from.BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it
i.e. “I don’t even remember getting home last night, I must have caught
the beer scooter”.BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus
aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually
brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a
man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of solid drinking.
After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will
be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern slang for ‘beers’, e.g. “Couple of Britneys please, Doreen”.BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).BUDGIE’S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in
the film “Fatal Attraction”, e.g. ” I don’t like the look of that
aeroplane blonde – could be a bunny boiler”.COCK-A-DOODLE-POO
The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in themorning to get to the toilet quick.
CRAPPUCCINO
The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then
fiddles with the woman’s nipples with one hand and her Budgie’s tongue
with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing the
double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is commonto visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman’s face by twiddling both her nipples
simultaneously.FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of the Wank Tanks.FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is called a
“McShit With Lies”.GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works
in a burger restaurant. The ‘no stars’ comes from the badges displaying
stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level
of training.McSPLURRY
The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast
food restaurants.MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the
outside, but there’s actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go “Oo! Ool Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!”.MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc i.e. you can see the
‘lips’ moving but can’t quite make out what they’re saying.MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your
bed instead.NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
Someone that you’d chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a
10-pinter.NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming slang for “Stella” (the lager).ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be – “It’s a bit Pearl Harbour out
there!” Meaning – there’s a nasty ‘nip’ in the air.PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got
4 buttocks.RAGMAN’S COAT
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. “That mumbler looks quite fit, but I
bet she’s got a kebab like a ragmans coat!”RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
To defecate e.g. “I’ve got one in the departure lounge, so I’m just
nipping
out to release a chocolate hostage”.SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.SKIN-CHIMNEY –
see BADLY PACKED KEBABSPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexualSWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive womanTART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g Hooch, regularly consumed by young woman.TEN-PINTER
Someone that you’d only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.TITANIC
A lady who goes down the first time out.TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you’d need 2 paper bags to have sex with (one to cover
their head, and one to cover yours, just incase their bag falls off).UP ON THE BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage, e.g.
“I don’t think I’ll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on the
blocks”.VAGINA DECLINA
A homosexual (male)WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming slang for ‘Vomit’.WANK SIANCE
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you’re being watchedwith disgust by your dead relatives.
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming slang for ‘cider’. e.g. “Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a
bottle of Tart Fuel please Doreen”.X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.#######################################################
Mary the Mental Patient Saves Jim – Sort of!
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him.She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her
to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news & bad
news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained
your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”Mary replied “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”
Too bad Col isn’t here to confirm the Aussie slang bit. :^O
Dawg 😉 ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 2:13 pm #3243197
I want my money back!!!
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Absolutely Guaranteed to offend somebody!!!!
I wasn’t offended at all… that’s not fair! I want my money back… or give me 1000 tech points… :p
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April 22, 2005 at 2:53 pm #3243176
I’m truly sorry (not) that I short changed you on being offended but…..
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I want my money back!!!
Go back up top and read what I said about feet, yours specifically. Gawd, I’m in for it now. :^O
Dawg 😉 ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 2:58 pm #3243174
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I’m truly sorry (not) that I short changed you on being offended but…..
Q: Why did God make women’s feet smaller than men’s?
A: So they can get closer to the stove and sink.The hubby actually told me that one… didn’t work out to well for him though as his feet are the zact same size as mine… which means he has to do his “share” and since he’s the one who told that joke… his “share” is bigger than mine!!!
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April 22, 2005 at 3:36 pm #3243157
Migawd, size thirteens???
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…
:^O
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April 22, 2005 at 4:17 pm #3243141
Jessie my wife tried that one as well on me
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…
But it didn’t work out to her satisfaction and I was thrown out of the kitchen on the first attempt. 😀
Apparently all the broken plates where a bit too much for her to handle and when she asked did I want to eat off the floor I just replied “Suits Me!” 😉
I’ve never been allowed in the kitchen again for any reason but honestly I can say that the dish washing substance really felt like some acid on my hands and I was constantly turning on water to wash it off “The plates where slippery just like when you have got acid on your hands so you have to get it off quickly” of course the plates didn’t survive the experience and she has never been game enough to allow me near the kitchen again. :p
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 4:03 pm #3243146
Well I want my money back as well!
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I’m truly sorry (not) that I short changed you on being offended but…..
You said draw a PIG so I drew the face of a Police Officer facing left in profile you didn’t ever mention that you wanted a real pig drawn {The type that makes bacon} as any other description would still mean a Cop to me and most of my fellow countrymen. 😀
Incidentally I was only gone for 4 days it’s hardly as if I’ve deserted TR completely. Am I really that important here? :p
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 11:39 pm #3243095
Nice to see your “evil eye” avatar has returned.
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Well I want my money back as well!
Now will you confirm or deny that this is “real” Aussie slang.
Dawg ]:)
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April 23, 2005 at 5:25 am #3245090
OK Dawg I give up!
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Nice to see your “evil eye” avatar has returned.
Actually that is my right eye as of 9-11 but actually it was looking somewhat better by then as on 9-9 I dropped a car on myself and nearly managed to kill myself just to get away from computers but I failed! 🙁
Now to your question most I’ve heard previously but there are a few that appear to be particularly American in nature they are as follows.
BEAVER LEAVER
As the Beaver is a US native animal and I’ve only seen it mentioned in a instance like this in the Naked Gun series.” At least I think that was what that series of movies where called anyway the Leslie Nielson ones.”
BOBFOC
May be used by the younger Aussies but I honestly think that by the time Crime Watch was being shown over here Bay Watch had long died a natural death and we have better bodies on the beach here anyway. They don’t melt in the sun like the plastic Pamela Anderson’s do. 😉
DRINK-LINK
I’ve only ever heard these refereed to as Dynamite machines because they allow you to get money out of a bank at night through a hole in the wall.
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Sounds about right but we don’t call them restaurants over here although all the fast food places try very hard to make out that they are better than they actually are.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
This one could work as it is but really sounds much more like our current Prime Minister.
PEARL HARBOUR
Another Americanism which I haven’t herd previously although I’ll admit to hearing quite a few people saying that It’s quite nipply out today. Meaning that it’s Bloody Cold. Also women say to other women “I see your headlights are on” again meaning its cold out. 🙂
Col ]:)
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April 23, 2005 at 12:09 am #3243094
A couple have been used here over time
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Absolutely Guaranteed to offend somebody!!!!
As all slang terms will be used during different stages of life or changing society, I HAVE heard the following many times.
Beaver Leaver (homosexual)also known as a ‘Bent Ender’ (living in the West End, Vancouver’s biggest gay neighbourhood) and Titanic (used as a term for someone who will go down on anything).
But a couple are pretty out of line again, such as ‘MUMBLER’ which is a term I heard/used often in high school, or else we’d just say SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER, I **** HEAR YOU!, when they walked by. (pigs, I know).
I went to school where Camel Toe or Moose Knuckle was a term girls wanted to hear, jeans were so tight they were zipped up with a coat hanger while laying flat on the bed.
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April 22, 2005 at 1:07 pm #3243213
How to tell you shouldn’t trust your neighbor
by jck · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
When his “favorite” pet walks funny after they finish “playing”.
If his lawn jockey resembles Satan.
If his idea of a recreational vehicle is a 1960s Cadillac hearse.
If your dog went missing right before his nightly barbecue.
If they brag about using the welfare system to buy them everything, but then goes door to door begging for money.
When they explain 2×6 dirt mounds in the yard as “those pesky termites”
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April 22, 2005 at 3:29 pm #3243158
All the things you didn’t know about farts and were afraid to ask!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
STRANGE FACTS ON FARTS
Where does fart gas come from?
The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts.
What is fart gas made of?
The composition of fart gas is highly variable.
Most of the air we swallow, especially the oxygen component, is absorbed by the body before the gas gets into the intestines. By the time the air reaches the large intestine, most of what is left is nitrogen. Chemical reactions between stomach acid and intestinal fluids may produce carbon dioxide, which is also a component of air and a product of bacterial action. Bacteria also produce hydrogen and methane.
But the relative proportions of these gases that emerge from our anal opening depend on several factors: what we ate, how much air we swallowed, what kinds of bacteria we have in our intestines, and how long we hold in the fart.
The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of boring, inert nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine.
A nervous person who swallows a lot of air and who moves stuff through his digestive system rapidly may have a lot of oxygen in his farts, because his body didn’t have time to absorb the oxygen.
Encyclopaedia Britannica offers the intriguing statement that some people’s farts contain no methane. The reason for this is apparently unknown. Some researchers suspect a genetic influence, whereas others think the anomaly is due to environmental factors. However, all methane in any farts comes from bacterial action and not from human cells.What makes farts stink?
The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.
Why do farts make noise?
The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.
How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.
Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.How does a fart travel to the anus?
One may wonder why fart gas travels downward toward the anus when gas has a lower density than liquids and solids, and should therefore travel upwards.
The intestine squeezes its contents toward the anus in a series of contractions, a process called peristalsis. The process is stimulated by eating, which is why we often need to poop and fart right after a meal. Peristalsis creates a zone of high pressure, forcing all intestinal contents, gas included, to move towards a region of lower pressure, which is toward the anus. Gas is more mobile than other components, and small bubbles coalesce to from larger bubbles en route to the exit. When peristalsis is not active, gas bubbles may begin to percolate upwards again, but they won’t get very far due to the complicated and convoluted shape of the intestine. Furthermore, the anus is neither up nor down when a person is lying down.How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else’s nose?
Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity and wind speed, as well as the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever.
Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they’re alive. People even fart shortly after death.
Do even movie stars fart?
Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.
Do men fart more than women?
No, women fart just as much as men. It’s just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.
I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as “morning thunder,” and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.
Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?
Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas!
Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins.
A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog’s digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog’s bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?
People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don’t. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.
Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?
No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.
Is it harmful to hold in farts?
There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for peoples’ health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts.
Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.How long would it be possible to not fart?
As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!
Where do farts go when you hold them in?
How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it?
I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it?
The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later.
It is reassuring to know that such farts aren’t really lost, just delayed.Is it really possible to ignite farts?
The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice.
There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.Why is possible to burn farts?
Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.)
Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.Is it possible to light a match with a fart?
No, even strike-anywhere matches have their limits, unless the fart has the consistency of sandpaper! Any fart that rough I would hesitate to call a fart. Also, farts have the same temperature as the body from which they emerge, and aren’t hot enough to initiate combustion.
Are there any books about farting?
There are several! My favorite is the new book, Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart by Jim Dawson. This book provides an entertaining and thought-provoking history of the fart in literature, language and society. It is very informative and very funny!
Ben Franklin’s classic Fart Proudly is still in print.
There is a collection of suggestive photographs called Who Farted Now? by St. Martin’s Press. Most of the photos come from old movies and political shots.
For children, we have the famous The Gas We Pass : The Story of Farts by Shinta Cho, and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum (Translator), and the Canadian picture book, Good Families Don’t , by Alan Daniel and Robert N. Munsch, about a highly visible fart infesting a proper middle class family.Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence?
Few people earn their living directly via flatulence. But a friend of mine says that he saw a carnival act in which the performer whistled tunes with his farts, blew out candles on the opposite side of the stage, and sent flames all the way across the stage. A famous performer who earned his living this way was Le Petomane, who performed in France at the beginning of the 20th Century. However, my friend isn’t old enough to have seen Le Petomane, so maybe he had a chance to see Mr. Methane. Mr. Methane lays claim to the distinction of being the world’s only performing flatulist.
However, people may also earn a living through the prevention of flatulence (as do the manufacturers and sellers of Beano and other products), through the practice of medicine specializing in the treatment of flatulence and other gastrointestinal problems, by writing books about flatulence (see the question before this one), and through the production and sales of various fart gags such as whoopee cushions and farts in a can.
Fartypants sells a fart filter and a number of other fart-related products.
Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to find a copy of Le Petomane’s biography by searching at alibris by clicking on the link below. Last time I checked, they had two copies available!Why do dog and cat farts smell so bad?
A carnivore’s protein-rich diet produces relatively small amounts of intensely stinky gas because proteins contain lots of sulfur. A dog’s or cat’s farts are rarely audible, but the odor is overwhelming. I have asked biologists why dogs and cats generally fart silently, and their theories include: (1) the amount of gas produced is small, but potent, (2) the horizontal orientation of their gastrointestinal system puts less pressure on the anal opening, so the gas is expelled more slowly, (3) their anal sphincters don’t close as tightly as humans’ because it takes less force to hold in the contents of the colon — again because of the horizontal orientation of the gastrointestinal system — and a loose anus makes less sound, and, my favorite (4) dogs and cats don’t feel embarrassed about farting, so their sphincters are more relaxed, leading to less noisy flatulence.
Mike F. points out that many dog foods are soy-based, so on top of all the above factors, add beans and stand back!
Large herbivorous animals such as cows, horses and elephants, on the other hand, produce vast quantities of relatively non-stinky fart gas. The farts of these animals are noisy and can go on for astoundingly long periods of time. Cows in particular are productive, in part because they swallow huge amounts of air. They need oxygen in their guts for the various protozoa employed there as digestive aids.Do fish fart?
According to our ichthyologist at the University of Guam, fish flatulence per se has not been studied, although people have investigated fish digestion. They find that although most fish have alkaline intestinal environments like our own, coral-eating fish have acidic intestinal contents. The acid serves to dissolve coral skeletal material. Coral has the same composition as Tums (calcium carbonate). One product of the reaction between acid and calcium carbonate is carbon dioxide gas. Therefore, it is logical to assume that coral-eating fish fart a lot.
The other fish probably fart also, for the same reasons that we do.
However, Mike Pulte, a great fish enthusiast, said that he has never seen a fish do it.
I asked our ichthyologist if it were possible that fish gas would go into the swim bladder instead of out the anal opening. He said that modern fish have an air bladder that is independent of the gastrointestinal tract. The gas comes from enzymatic activity and not from the intestine. Older models of fish have their swim bladder connected to the gastrointestinal tract, but it is attached high up, closer to the mouth than to the other end, and these fish come to the surface and gulp air to fill the bladder. Therefore, we can assume that intestinal gas leaves the fish through the anal opening.
We also pondered the possibility of fish making noise via flatulence, but apparently most fish noises are made through belching rather than farting.
Lisa P., an aquarium enthusiast, reports that she has seen her fish fart: “I have four aquariums and many fish, and I have personally witnessed fish farting! My goldfish used to do it all the time! You’d see a little bubble come out of his anus and stay there, trapped in the mucus of a long string of poop. (Ugh!) And my opaline gourami does it too. Neither of these are coral-eating fish. I have only owned two coral-eating fish so far, but I have never seen either of them fart. It seems most likely to me that much of this gas comes from air swallowed during eating. Also, goldfish have a very simple digestive system and their food is absorbed inefficiently, so possibly the bacteria have more to feed on?”Do turtles fart?
Yes, turtles do fart, and their farts smell incredibly bad, as do the farts of snakes. In fact, it is my opinion, based on personal experience with reptiles and not on any formal research, that many reptiles use farts as a weapon.
Reptile farts smell so bad that sometimes you can tell that one is nearby in the woods, even on a windy day, before you can see the animal. One day I was hiking through the woods in Arkansas with a friend and I told my friend, “I smell a snake fart.” A second later, the snake crawled across the path. Astounding but true!What kind of animal has the highest worldwide output of flatulence?
Believe it or not, the animal that wins this honor is the humble termite. Because of their diet and digestive processes (with more than the usual microbial assistance), they produce as much methane as human industry. Termite farts are believed to be a major contributor towards global warming.
Is there any kind of animal that doesn’t fart?
If we define a fart to be an anal escape of intestinal gas, then it follows that animals that lack intestines or an anus cannot fart. Most animals possess intestines and an anus, but there are some that don’t. These include:
Sponges: These organisms lack true tissues and organs. They have just a few types of cells organized into a bag with holes in it. Water flows into some holes and out other holes. Sponges are so different from other animals that some biologists think we shouldn’t even call them animals.
Cnidaria: This phylum includes the jellyfish, corals, sea anemones and hydra. Their tissues are organized into a bag with a mouth surrounded by stinging tentacles. Food enters the mouth and is digested inside the bag, after which the leftovers are expelled via the same opening. In effect, the same hole serves as both a mouth and an anus. Any gas expelled by a cnidarian would be more appropriately termed a belch rather than a fart, since the animal lacks intestines and separate anus.
Pogonophoran worms: These remarkable animals, who dwell on the sea floor near active volcanic regions associated with mid-ocean ridges, possess no mouth, no stomach, no intestines, and no anus. Apparently they retain their svelte, worm-shaped figures by giving up on eating completely! They survive by means of a mutualistic relationship with chemosynthetic bacteria that live in their flesh. Anyway, these animals cannot possibly fart.A second category of animals that probably don’t fart are animals that live very deep underwater. At high pressures, gas remains in solution rather than forming bubbles. So there is a good chance that all those clams, echinoderms, fish and other animals living near the sealer don’t fart because their farts stay in solution and never emerge as bubbles, even though the animals possess perfectly good intestines and anuses.
Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?
Judging from what I see when I do the laundry, I’d say that the answer to the first question is definitely yes.
As for the causes, we must remember that what we call “fart” and what we call “poop” are just end-members of a continuum. That is, we can have a pure fart, or a pure poop, or anything in-between, depending upon the admixture of the two.
If a sample consists mostly of poop with only a small fart component, you get such things as jet-propelled bowel movements and spongy, floating fecal masses (you know, the ones that refuse to be flushed down the toilet — they keep popping back up).
If the sample consists mostly of fart with only a small poop component, you get what is known as “skid marks” or “fart art.” These can also result from inadequate wiping, but the shape of the stain is different in the two cases. Inadequate wiping leads to elongate marks parallel to one’s crack, usually with well-defined edges, whereas fart art is generally more circular and has an air-brushed look.
Fart art is most likely to occur if (1) a person is suffering from diarrhea, (2) the person is trying too hard to fart, and (3) the person mistakenly perceives the pressure against his sphincter to be gas pressure rather than liquid pressure. Again, that last situation is most likely to occur if the person is afflicted with diarrhea.How can we tell when it’s only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious?
Our ability to distinguish between the need to fart and the need to poop is something that we learn gradually in the process of toilet training and early childhood. With the tactile nerve endings in the rectal area, we can actually feel different sensations depending upon what is waiting by the exit. Of course, sometimes we are fooled, especially if the substance at hand is extremely fluid in nature, and that is when we have the unfortunate accident of venting a squirt of diarrhea rather than an innocent fart.
Why do chicks always deny farting?
I suppose I should start by saying that only some chicks deny farting. The rest of us acknowledge our gaseous accomplishments with pride.
However, a great many sisters do deny farting. The reason is that they have been misled into thinking that farts are not ladylike. It is a great mistake to say that farting is not ladylike. The reason is that all people fart, including ladies. Anything that ladies do is by definition ladylike, and that includes the emission of anal gases.Is is possible that, by inhaling other people’s farts all day long, my own farts will smell more?
No, inhaled farts would go into the lungs rather than into the digestive system, and would simply be exhaled again, although it might be possible that some of the fart components might be absorbed into the blood. If you wanted to benefit from other people’s farts in the way you describe, you would have to swallow them somehow.
Is it possible to get stoned after inhaling two or three farts in a row?
I am not aware of any intoxicating agents in flatulence. However, most farts contain very little oxygen, and you may experience dizziness if you are inhaling overly concentrated fart essence, simply from lack of oxygen. On the other hand, if you are inhaling farts in the open air and are breathing rapidly in order to inhale as much fart as possible, you may be hyperventilating, which also induces dizziness.
Then there is the intrinsic hilarity factor: farts are so funny in both sound and odor that you might feel high just from the basic entertainment value of farts.Is it possible for a fart to kill you?
A great many of you have asked if farts can be fatal, or if you can die from smelling a particularly bad fart. My initial response to this question was “no,” but I thought I’d better ask a doctor. So now it is official, the medical opinion I received is no, a fart can’t kill you.
However, if you really work hard at it, you can manage to kill yourself with just about anything. I recently read of a man who hooked up his nose to his anus with a system involving a gas mask, rubber tubing and a hollow wooden post. He died of suffocation. This story comes from the Darwin Awards, and I personally cannot attest to the overall veracity of their stories.
The story of the bed-bound obese man who died from inhaling his own flatulence (and whose farts almost killed the paramedics) is an urban legend that has been in circulation for some time.Can excessive farting cause impotence?
That depends on the tolerance level of the person with whom one is trying to be potent!
Fortunately for humans, farting doesn’t cause tissue damage. Other animals aren’t so lucky. Soldier termites can actually turn themselves into bombs by detonating themselves via the explosive release of gas and feces, a process called “autothysis.”Is it possible to inhale (suck in air) via one’s anal opening?
Yes, but it’s a rare talent. The great early 20th Century French flatulist, Le Petomane, was able to do this, and in fact was able to suck up an entire bowlful of water (just the water, not the bowl) into his colon and expel it again with considerable force. By sucking in large quantities of air, he was able to perform lengthy shows on stage, and could imitate musical instruments, farm animals, and bird songs, whistle melodies, and play the ocarina. His productions were said to be virtually odorless, which is to be expected from air obtained directly from the outside.
Here is a message I received recently (November, 1999) regarding the skill of inhaling via the anus:
“I would just like you to know that i am part of a trio, who can suck in air in our anal openings. we are somewhat air-bandits. we can let the longest farts you have ever heard. our record holder, chad, stands at 24 sec. the record for most farts in a row is derek, at 492. and i, robert, have earned such nicknames as: Mad Crapper, gurglemeister, and old wetful. We have followed Le Petomane example, and have mastered the art of farting.”What causes the burning sensation that sometimes accompanies a fart?
This is generally caused by a recent meal of hot peppers or related spices. The oils associated with these foods remain intact and active all the way through one’s gastrointestinal system.
If you fart in the bathtub, is the water polluted and should you refill the tub?
As long as what comes out is only fart and no poop, your bath water should not be significantly polluted. Most of the gas just bubbles up and contaminates the air rather than the water.
Is it true that a woman can fart out of her, shall we say, frontal opening, and if so, where does the gas come from?
Yes, it is true! The gas that emerges is simply trapped air, for there is no gas production in the genitalia of a woman. The air can enter because the system is open to the outside. This highly specialized kind of fart is sometimes called a queef.
Can a man fart out of his genital opening?
I have asked various men this question and they all deny it emphatically.
Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?
It should be theoretically possible to do this, but there would be lots of logistical problems. I would suggest using a plastic bag instead of a jar. You might try the following as a science fair experiment:
Fart into several plastic bags and seal them carefully. Then fill several other plastic bags with ordinary air. Wait 24 hours. Then get volunteers to smell the contents of the bags to see if they can correctly identify which ones contain the farts. This should tell you if it is possible to store a fart in any useful way.
Malachi and Megaera have come up with a way to capture a fart in a jar. They say to do it in the bathtub while bathing. Fill the jar with bath water and then hold it with the open end downward. Lean back in the bathtub so that your fart bubbles will emerge in front of you rather than behind you where you can’t see them. Catch the bubbles in the jar, and put the lid on the jar while it’s still underwater. This way, you capture a fairly pure fart uncontaminated by atmospheric air. To enjoy your captured fart to the fullest extent, make sure that your jar does not already smell like whatever was it it before, like pickles or peanut butter.Is it weird to enjoy farting?
It is not unusual to enjoy farting. I believe that enjoyment of farting is a healthy attitude, since everyone has to fart. If a person is farting to the extent that it creates problems and unhappiness, then a visit to a doctor is in order.
What color is a fart?
Farts are, alas, colorless. All of the gases that make up farts have no inherent color. But just think of how interesting it would be if farts were bright orange like nitrogen dioxide gas! It would certainly take the mystery out of who farted.
Never-the-less, a high-personality gas like fart gas suggests color to people. Some people envision farts as brown, others as green or yellow. I have always thought of farts as brown, presumably because poop is brown. When someone farts in our car, that person might say, “You better not breathe through your mouth for awhile, or your teeth will turn brown.”
I knew a toddler who used to draw pictures of farts as yellow rectangles full of holes, like a slice of Swiss cheese. She thought of farts as yellow, and said that she knew they were rectangular because she could feel the sharp corners scraping against her on the way out!Do other people smell a fart better than the farter?
The fart should smell just as much for the person who created it as it does for other people. However, the farter is somewhat protected by having the fart propelled away from his body in a direction opposite to his nose. Farting upwind nullifies this advantage.
Why is it that when you scratch your ass through two layers of clothing (your underwear and your jeans) your fingers still stink?
As pointed out by Barb F., who contributed the term listed below, a fart can be regarded as “aerosolized poop,” which means that microscopic fragments and droplets of poop are actually distributed throughout the gaseous matrix of the fart. When delivered from the anus with some force, the components of the fart can penetrate one’s clothing and these tiny particles can be trapped in the fibers of the cloth. The particles are transferred to your fingers and then your nose when you scratch and sniff.
Where does the word “fart” come from?
According to Eric Partridge in his excellent book of word origins (Origins: A Short Etymological Dictionary of Modern English), our word fart comes from the Old English word feortan, presumably of echoic origin, meaning that the word was chosen to sound like the object named.
When it is cold outside and you fart, can you see it like you can see your breath?
Now, that’s an interesting idea! My guess would be yes, since farts are nice and moist like our breath, but this is one question that I’m not in a position to answer. I live in the tropics, and it never gets cold here. So all of you who live in cold places, try it out and let me know. I’d guess that there are really two questions here: can you see the fart with no pants on, and can you see the fart even with pants on…
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Definition of a fart: Two $hits racing for the “hole”, the 1st one there, whistles.
A fart is a burp that couldn’t make the hill!
Farts smell so deaf people can appreciate them too.Dawg ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 5:20 pm #3243129
Jessie since you have started this Friday Yuk
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Which is something that OZ took up the Baton on when GOD left TR for green pasturer’s and a life outside IT I think I’ll have to contact OZ and make it official. 🙂
I’m voting for you to be responsible for hosting each and every Friday Yuk from now on, it will leave OZ time to look up his “Form Guides” so he can throw even more money away on the horses. 😀
It also seems to have attracted a wider audience from more peers although I seem to think that the “Sexist Male Bashing” will only be a short term thing as you’ll very quickly run out of material to chuck at us mere males but I’m laughing anyway. :p
Any way understand that the Friday Yuk has a long tradition and has to be kept to the highest standards if only so we can have a good laugh at the end of each week.
Have a great week end. 😀
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 5:22 pm #3243128
No Kidding?
by maecuff · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Jessie since you have started this Friday Yuk
Do you REALLY think there isn’t a lot of ‘male bashing’ material? You are so naive.
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April 22, 2005 at 8:44 pm #3243120
I always thougth the Friday Yuk was just an open forum
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to No Kidding?
You wanna start one, have at er. If someone else has started one, yeehaw!
I actually don’t remember GURU’s Friday Yuk, but he did like to tell jokes on Friday (or any other day)I guess.
I never took a baton, but I have always tried to get some kind of Friday humour started though, I think it will self-sustain now, SOMEONE is bound to post one.
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April 23, 2005 at 4:56 am #3245096
Guru did start this off in his mad English humor
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I always thougth the Friday Yuk was just an open forum
In an attempt to Finnish off the week with a laugh I think but he certainly did like to laugh at life in general and IT in particular. His very last posting was the Friday Yuk at a time when had nothing at all to want to laugh at but he soldered on and left us his legacy of the Friday Yuk which you quite rightly say appears to have taken on a life of its own and now seems a fixture here. 🙂
But I was trying to let Jessie know that she had some very big shoes to fill in posting the Original Friday Yuk for the week. 😉
Mike may he Rest In England just might be watching and turning rapidly on his spit if this was to disappear. 😀
While a couple of us have posted a Friday Yuk from time to time you seem to have always been the one who has had something to contribute for an end of week laugh and although you might not realize it it you did pick up the baton that Guru of Dos left when he departed by being the one who continuously had a posting for the end of the working week laugh. 😀
Col ]:)
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April 23, 2005 at 4:41 am #3245097
Mae what can I saw?
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to No Kidding?
I’m nothing more than a “Mere Male” who is involved in IT but I would imagine just like Blond Jokes you can only tell so many before they start sounding the same. 🙂
Just like the one that goes something like this “Why do women suffer from PMT? Answer Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. ” While somewhat funny it really is a one off that can not be followed up without sounding exactly the same can it? 😉
Col ]:)
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April 23, 2005 at 12:13 pm #3245006
How about…….
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Mae what can I saw?
What’s the difference between a rabid pit bull lunging for your throat and a woman in the throes of PMS???
Answer: Lipstick!!!
What’s the difference between a terrorist and a woman PMSing???
Answer: You can try negotiating with the terrorist!!!
Don’t get started on menopause jokes. 😉
Dawg :^O
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April 25, 2005 at 8:17 am #3243535
For the record…
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Jessie since you have started this Friday Yuk
Twas *NOT* I who started with the male bashing this week. That was jck, purportedly a male himself, but apparently PMSing… or something.
As an IT person, I merely saw a need… as OZ had not posted a YUK yet… and I filled it… as for filling large shoes… well… my 14 year old wears a size 14 mens shoe (triple wide) and if need be, I’ll just borrow his feet!
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April 25, 2005 at 4:41 pm #3245322
Sounds fine to me
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to For the record…
GoD would be proud. 😀
Col ]:)
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April 22, 2005 at 9:56 pm #3243106
From a friend’s kids
by oz_media · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Got this from a friend’s kids today, I don’t think they actually know what an ESSO BEE really is though. 🙂
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat.
As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he was coughing badly, but still he flew on.
Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: “Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?”
He replied, “Well, it’s like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don’t like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That’s even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline.
You know what they say don’t you…
There’s an Esso Bee in every crowd!”
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April 26, 2005 at 12:26 pm #3245792
haha
by itgirli · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to From a friend’s kids
I thought that was funny and cute. hehe
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April 24, 2005 at 1:44 pm #3244766
Love, Lust and Marriage
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Love, Lust and Marriage
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bathLove: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: “Do I have to buy you dinner first?”
Marriage: 4 McDonald’s Happy Meals . . . to goLove: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids’ candy off of the carpetLove: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What’s sex?Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On IceLove: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: “The baby needs changing. . .”Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: “I can think of a way to stay warm . . .”
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jacketsLove: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .Love: Finding the “Fell in Love on AOL” room
Lust: Finding the “Blonde Dominatrix” room
Marriage: Finding the “Married and Looking” roomLove: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover’s Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseatThis is probably too true to be a real Yuk but what the hell. :^O
Dawg ]:) 😉
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April 25, 2005 at 2:54 pm #3245348
3 types of marital sex…
by jessie · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Love, Lust and Marriage
There are 3 types of sex in a marriage:
1) Counter sex – this is really, the “anywhere and everywhere” sex enjoyed in the first stages of marriage, before the children arrive, when you meet your spouse naked at the door and “do it” in the foyer.
2) Bedroom sex – after the arrival of the children, and you’re confined to the bedroom.
3) Hallway sex – where you pass each other in the hall and say “Fu@k you!”-
April 26, 2005 at 8:47 am #3244214
Too real!!!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to 3 types of marital sex…
How true :^O
Dawg
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April 26, 2005 at 10:26 am #3244124
marital sex advice from a wise old man
by anykey??? · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to 3 types of marital sex…
I was once told by grand-dad that the 3 stages of a married mans sex life are.
1.TRI weekly
2.TRY weekly
3.TRY weakly
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April 24, 2005 at 2:26 pm #3243738
Strange Advice From Famous People!!!!
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Strange Advice From Famous People
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
– – -Saki [H. H. Munro]Any idiot can get laid when they’re famous. That’s easy. It’s getting laid when you’re not famous that takes some talent.
– – -Kevin Bacon, 1996Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let?s not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources.
– – -Ronald Reagan (10 Sept. 1980)Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it?s looks, most women know otherwise.
– – -Kathleen Turner (1986)Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll meet them on your way down.
– – -Wilson MiznerBe nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
– – -Phyllis DillerBlind faith in your leaders, or in anything, will get you killed.
– – -Bruce SpringsteenBe sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
– – -George BurnsBrevity is the soul of lingerie.
– – -Dorothy ParkerBuy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.
– – -Will RogersBy the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
– – -George BurnsDress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don’t wear anything else on it … like lunch or dinner.
– – -George BurnsDrugs have nothing to do with the creation of music. In fact, drugs are dumb and self-indulgent. Kind of like sucking your thumb.
– – -Courtney LoveHave no fear of perfection- you’ll never reach it.
– – -Salvador DaliHe who slings mud generally loses ground.
– – -Adlai StevensonHonesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
– – -Steve LandesbergHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
– – -Phyllis DillerHumility is no substitute for a good personality.
– – -Jon WinokurI always advise people never to give advice.
– – -P. G. WodehouseI think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
– – -Bill MaherI think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
– – -Adela Rogers St. JohnIf a pit bull romances your leg, fake an orgasm.
– – -Hut LandonIf a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
– – -G. K. ChestertonIf a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . . very slowly.
– – -Gypsy Rose LeeIf it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
– – -Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr.If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
– – -Linda FurneyIf we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
– – -Dan QuayleIf you can’t convince them, confuse them.
– – -Harry S TrumanIf you can’t be kind, at least be vague.
– – -Judith MannersIf you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
– – -George CarlinIf you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
– – -Bobby SlaytonIf you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
– – -RushIf you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
– – -Bobcat GoldthwaitIf you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.
– – -Boy GeorgeIf you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
– – -Katherine HepburnIf you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : “I’m cheap!”
– – -Delta BurkeIf your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.
– – -Norm CrosbyIf you’re there before it’s over, you’re on time.
– – -James WalkerImpropriety is the soul of wit.
– – -W. Somerset MaughamIt ain’t over till it’s over.
– – -Yogi BerraIt ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
– – -William ClintonIt is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
– – -George Bernard ShawIt is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
– – -Shirley MacLaineKeep a diary and one day it’ll keep you.
– – -Mae WestMoney will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
– – -Groucho MarxMarriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.
– – -Eva GaborNo problem is so large it cannot be run away from.
– – -Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts)Nothing goes out of fashion sooner than a long dress with a very low neck.
– – -Coco ChanelOften you just have to rely on your intuition.
– – -Bill Gates, MicrosoftOh, grow up!
– – -Joan RiversOld age is no place for sissies.
– – -Bette DavisOnly time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.
– – -Miss PiggyRed meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you!
– – -Tommy SmothersSacred cows make the tastiest hamburger.
– – -Abbie HoffmanSince everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them.
– – -Coco ChanelStart every day off with a smile and get it over with.
– – -W. C. FieldsStay humble. Always answer the phone, no matter who else is in the car.
– – -Jack LemmonSuccess is a great deodorant.
– – -Elizabeth TaylorThe fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
– – -Roseanne ArnoldThe future will be better tomorrow.
– – -Dan QuayleThe secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
– – -Lucille BallThe worst crime is faking it.
– – -Kurt CobainThere is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
– – -Elton JohnTime wounds all heels.
– – -Jane AceTo keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time.
– – -Katherine HepburnWhat the hell–you might be right, you might be wrong…but don’t just avoid.
– – -Katherine HepburnWhen your conscience says law is immoral, don’t follow it.
– – -Jack KevorkianYou can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jelly beans.
– – -Ronald ReaganYou’ve got to take the bitter with the sour.
– – -Samuel GoldwynWhat you shouldn’t do . . .
Don’t carry a grudge. While you’re carrying the grudge, the other guy’s out dancing.
– – -Buddy HackettDon’t get mad. Don’t get even. Just get elected, then get even.
– – -James CarvilleDon’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.
– – -Janis JoplinNever attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity.
– – -Nick DiamosNever believe in mirrors or newspapers.
– – -Tom StoppardNever do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
– – -William Brighty RandsNever drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon.
– – -Jilly CooperNever purchase beauty products in a hardware store.
– – -Miss PiggyDawg ]:)
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April 24, 2005 at 3:17 pm #3243730
Southern “Rednecks” Look at Northern “Bluenecks”
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
Bluenecks are Northerners — the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves)
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF…….
Instead of referring to two or more people as “Y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women. ….
You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.?…..
You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g. boiled peanuts). ….
You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits. …
You don’t know what a moon pie is. ….
You’ve never had an RC Cola…..
You’ve never, ever eaten okra — fried, boiled, or pickled. ….
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork…..
You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips….
You have no idea what a polecat is. ….
You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog. …
You don’t have bangs. ….
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. ….
You drink either “Pop” or “Soda”-instead of “Cokes.” ….
You’ve never eaten and don’t know how to make a tomato sandwich. …
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-‘n-knife show….
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. ….
You don’t even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. …
The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway. ….
You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores….
You have more than one professional sports team in your home state….
You call binoculars opera glasses…..
You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. ….
You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)….
You don’t know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie) ….
You don’t have Maw-maw’s & Pawpaw’s. …
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. ….
None of your fur coats are homemade……
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April 24, 2005 at 4:44 pm #3243722
YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING ‘MARVELOUSLY MATURE’ WHEN……….?
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING ‘MARVELOUSLY MATURE’ WHEN……….?
1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long – to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
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April 25, 2005 at 1:34 pm #3245397
Never ask a drunk…
by dwiebles · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk
A woman was at the supermarket one afternoon, and went about her usual routine. She pick up a 2L of Orange juice, 2L of 1% Milk, a carton of eggs, A head of lettuce, coffee, and a lb. of bacon. As she was unloading her purchases at the till, a drunk who had got in line behind her watched craefully. As the cashier was ringing through her purchases, the drunk grined and exclaimed, “you MUST be single”. The woman, intrigued by the mans claim, though somewhat startled, as it was true, quickly glanced over her purchases to see what may have given her away. Seeing nothin out of the ordinary, she smiled at the man and asked, “you’re absolutly right, but may I ask what gave it away?”
The man smiled back and slurred ” Cause you ugly.”
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April 26, 2005 at 8:51 am #3244211
The rest of the joke
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Never ask a drunk…
The woman says, “you’re drunk”.
The man says, “True but tomorrow I’ll be sober but you’ll still be ugly!”Dawg ]:)
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April 26, 2005 at 12:15 pm #3244069
Good company you keep, Dawg
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to The rest of the joke
Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk!
Winston Churchill: And Madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow, I’ll be sober, and you will still be ugly.Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your morning coffee.
Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it. -
April 26, 2005 at 8:17 pm #3245598
Yeah, Winnie was never at a loss for words.
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Good company you keep, Dawg
I liked the one where some woman said she’d like to have his chidren because, “Imagine if they had my looks and your brains.”
To which Winston replied, “Madam suppose they had your brains and my looks.” :^OHe certainly knew how to close/bring a conversation to an end.
Dawg
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