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  • #2187175

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by jessie ·

    A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says,
    “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!

    The wife says, “Wow! That’s great! I’m so happy!! Should I pack
    for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?

    He says, “I don’t care. Just get the fuck out.”

    **********

    An salesman of Vasalene cream was doing a bit of market research on his product, going house to house and asking people what they thought of the product. Towards the end of the day he knocked
    on the door of his last house and a woman in her early thirties answered.
    The salesman introduced himself and asked if he could ask the woman a few question about his product, which she agreed to. The first thing he asked her was “how effective do you find our
    product?” “Very,” she answered. “It alway does the job required of it”
    “Do you mind if I ask what it is you normally use the cream for?” enquired the salesman.
    “Certainly, I use it for sex” answered the woman.
    Well the salesman was a little taken back by this “That’s a very candid answer miss, I mean, we know our product is used like this, but no one ever admits to it. Would it be too personal to ask how it is used?”
    “Not at all” said the woman “when me and my husband are feeling frisky in the bedroom, we put some of your cream on the door handle, to keep the kids out!”

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #3244514

      I feel like bashing men today…

      by jck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      You know why God made most white women with big boobs and tight p***ies?

      Cause most white guys are big mouthed and have small pricks.

      ***********************

      more to come later

      • #3244503

        I find

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to I feel like bashing men today…

        That when I’m in the mood to bash men that a large rock works nicely.

        • #3244500

          I have big hands

          by jck ·

          In reply to I find

          and therefore, I feel when I need to beat someone down that God gave me big fists for a purpose.

          Besides, why would I wanna use a rock? Can’t feel their bones break as well.

        • #3243240

          Never hit a man when he’s down!

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to I have big hands

          Kick him!!! It’s so much easier.

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3243232

          Ya know…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Never hit a man when he’s down!

          I was thinking much the same thing the first time I read that post… it’s why God gave me big FEET!!! Well… that and so I don’t fall forward when I try to stand up.

        • #3243212

          Yeah that and it keeps you from standing too close to the stove and sink!!

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Ya know…

          :^O

          Dawg 😉 ]:)

        • #3243551

          What kind of watch do you buy women?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Ya know…

          None.

          There is already a clock on the stove.

        • #3243219

          my strategy

          by jck ·

          In reply to Never hit a man when he’s down!

          when a man is down, I jump on top of him and pin his arms so I can look while I pummel his face into a puddle.

          Told you…I feel mean

        • #3243196

          How many hands do you have?

          by jessie ·

          In reply to my strategy

          Or do you pin his hands with one hand, like you’re going to feel him up, and THEN beat him into a puddle?

        • #3243134

          I have 2 hands

          by jck ·

          In reply to How many hands do you have?

          to hit with…and two rather large, muscular legs which have knees to put on his arms…and hold them down.

          Tactical…yet practical

        • #3244988

          So do I

          by salamander ·

          In reply to my strategy

          Actually, I prefer stomping them into the dirt and walking away. The “stomp before one gets stomped” strategy. Sometimes, I’m not fast enough on the stomp, I guess. It’s the stompings that one doesn’t see coming that are a bitch.

        • #3244498

          Isn’t that

          by jessie ·

          In reply to I find

          … what laptops were made for? I seem to recall the dual purpose of taking out one’s frustrations on both your man AND your computer at the same time was the true reason for creating the laptop computer. The first “laptops” though, were much more bashable and satisfying, than the plastic tiddly-winks they call laptops these days.

        • #3244492

          to be honest

          by jck ·

          In reply to Isn’t that

          I think my Pentium-120-based laptop is worth more than 1/3 of the men on the planet.

          That’s just my opinion tho…if you don’t like it…then don’t like it.

          i.e.- I won’t beat up my computers

    • #3244513

      In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.

      by itgirli ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I heard this earlier today:

      A guy walks into a barber shop and sits down to get a shave. When the barber comes over to shave him, the guy says, “no matter what I do, I can’t get a close shave.”
      The barber hands him a wooden ball and tell him to put it in his mouth between his cheek and his gums. The man does so and the barber gives him the closest shave on that side. As he is switching it over to the other side, he asks the barber, “what happens if I accidently swallow it?”
      the barber says, “Just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

      • #3244505

        I like that one

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.

        😀

        • #3244501

          me too.

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to I like that one

          it’s kind of sick.

        • #3243395

          Where do you get

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to me too.

          Kind of?

          Funny, but no “kind of sick” about it.

          Your one sick puppy.

        • #3243348

          yep

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to Where do you get

          And the latest from the Michael Jackson trial is his use of vaseline while wearing pajama bottoms hardly covering a stiffy when in the room with young teenage boys.

          True is often sicker than fiction.

          And then there is the lady that tried to sue the fast food place where she found a human finger in her food. It turned out she placed the finger in there. My question is where did SHE get the finger from.

          And there was a kid in the mid-west somewhere who stole a head from a coffin in the cemetery to turn it into a bong.

          All true, all sick, all the time….

          I rock!

        • #3243099

          jackson alert

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to yep

          Michael Jackson ran down to Kmart.

          He heard boys pants were half off.

        • #3243181
          Avatar photo

          Not so much SICK

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to me too.

          As believable. 😀

          Col ]:)

      • #3244480

        This reminds me

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.

        Of something I read in a book (I think it’s called the Encyclopedia of Bizarre Sexual Practices) Or something of the sort. Anyway, there was an entry in there about a guy who could only get off by masterbating while swallowing boiled, shaved barbie doll heads.

        I understand the boiled part, hygenically, it would be necessary. What I don’t understand is the process of elimination (no pun intended) he had to have gone through to come up with this fetish. Perhaps some things are better left unexplained.

        And no, I will not justify my reasons for reading the book in the first place. 🙂

        • #3243179
          Avatar photo

          So Mae

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to This reminds me

          What else did you learn from reading this book? 😉

          And more importantly did it give you any new ideas? 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3243153

          Quite honestly

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to So Mae

          That is the only thing I remember, and only because, well, I visualize things and that visual hasn’t quite cycled out yet.

        • #3243151
          Avatar photo

          And there I was

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Quite honestly

          Hoping to get some tips. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3243132

          okay, here’s a few

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to And there I was

          The whole ice cube in the mouth is completely overrated. But, that’s not really a tip, is it?

          Okay, here is one tip. Do something something COMPLETELY unexpected. My husband is a very lucky man, because after 10 years, I can still take him by surprise. And it can’t be a one time thing, you have to be creative enough to keep them on their feet with regularity (but not TOO regular).

          Other than that…well, alchohol in copious amounts can’t hurt.

        • #3243081
          Avatar photo

          Mae are you trying to get me into real trouble?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to okay, here’s a few

          The last time I did something totally unexpected I was asked “What the Hell Have You Done Wrong Now?” and grilled for God only knows how long because I had done something on the spur of the moment to please the wife. 🙁

          I even sought of remembered our wedding anniversary this year and got into trouble for that as well because I generally forget dates and I never have a chance when it comes to her birthday as there are 4 all 2 days apart and I’m never actually sure which is which and after getting into trouble for getting it wrong and then right one year I just gave up in disgust or out of a sense of self preservation. But even she accepts that I forget my own birthday so it is highly unlikely that I’ll remember someone else’s. 😉

          After 30 + years we know each other far too well so I just buy parts for her car as required and any that I find that are a bit on the rare side which she seems to appreciate and I can get away with without getting into trouble, Thank GOD for her love of Classic Mercedes or I would have absolutely no chance. 🙂

          Col ]:)

        • #3245013

          Alcohol in copious amounts???

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to okay, here’s a few

          It would tend to affect his prowess, wouldn’t it?? On the other hand it would serve nicely in lowering your resistance. Ogden Nash had it right when he wrote, “Candy may be dandy but liquor is quicker.” Definitely works if my experience is anything to go by. I don’t want the lady sloshed; just slightly tiddly. Lowered resistance and a grand old time is had by both; not that I’m stone cold sober myself. A slight buzz tends to bring out my creative, exploratory and adventurous side.

          Dawg 😉

        • #3243549

          Ice cubes… not so great…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to okay, here’s a few

          but a Halls Mentholated cough drop… is a wonderful thing 😉

        • #3243442

          Jesse, a Halls??? Oooookay!!! That one you’ve just got to explain!!!

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to okay, here’s a few

          ???? 😉
          Dawg

        • #3243440

          if you’re really daring

          by jck ·

          In reply to okay, here’s a few

          try pop-rocks sometime on your guy, Jessie.

          my personal bit of info for ya there

        • #3243408

          Halls

          by jessie ·

          In reply to okay, here’s a few

          Mentholated, they’re cool without being cold or uncomfortable… definitely adds a taste sensation… works for both parties. 😀

        • #3244405

          Ah, the good old days

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to okay, here’s a few

          When sex was allowed to be fun and adventurous.

          My ex-fiance from many moons ago started out slow but was a fast learner. She was the type that wouldn’t even take her cloths off with the lights on, and after we broke up she started dancing at the local strip club. (guess I was TOO good of an influence on her!).

          Women like the bath tub faucet running on something…

          Oils and lotions rock!

          Get and follow “the art of sensual massage”. It is something you can live by.

          And of course, don’t forget the buzzing toys…

          Anyone tried the body paints?

      • #3244458

        Ewww

        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.

        Just one more reason for me to shave myself 🙂

        • #3243172
          Avatar photo

          Well a true story here

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Ewww

          My son was going in for cardiac surgery which involved a cut in the groin area and an endoscope inserted to place a 12 mm Shunt into a blood vessel. When he got to the hospital he was handed a disposable razor and told to shave himself to which he replied that it wasn’t necessary as he had used his girlfriends hair removal cream and was all clean down under. 😉

          This seemed to impress the nurse in question and she said I wish everyone was so forward thinking. Then he went into the OR where he had to be awake through the entire procedure and the shunt didn’t hold and got lost in his cardiac vascular system. Well they at first found it in his left lung and unfortunately dislodged it and lost it again at which point he asked what was all the fuss about as there was pure panic in the OR by all the staff. The Head Dr quickly explained that if they didn’t find it and extract it fast it would kill him to which my bright little son said OK and promptly fell asleep. 🙂

          When he was woken up he discovered a female nurse bending over him with a name tag of Mrs “Sons Surname” he panicked and asked just when the hell he had got married and how was he going to explain this to his girlfriend. 😀

          Actually it’s all true and even I was impressed when I was asked to speak to the nurse and explain to her what relation she was to us. 😉

          Col ]:)

        • #3243098

          uhm

          by cuteelf ·

          In reply to Ewww

          I hope the top half 😛

          Was reading book today about men & women & sex. duh.

          Men “feel” emotional during sex.
          Women want to feel emotional before sex.

          Men take about 5 minutes to finish.
          Women take 25-30 to finish.

          Men will look at the HOT ladies..but take “it” out on their women.
          Women will think WTF is he doing.

          Men enjoy the act of it.
          Women enjoy the time leading UP TO THE ACT.

          now…Use this to your best.

          CuteElf

        • #3245025

          err…

          by jck ·

          In reply to uhm

          I can’t use the advice…but, thanks

      • #3243279

        ROTFL

        by bfilmfan ·

        In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.

        Sick, but I love it!

      • #3243277

        Apologies…

        by jessie ·

        In reply to In advance, I would like to say sorry for this one.

        … are not necessary as this is the Friday Yuk… where pretty much anything goes, frequently the sicker the better! And that one WAS pretty sick… FUNNY AS HELL… but definitely sick.

    • #3244494

      Aggie joke

      by jck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      One weekend, two Texas A&M students decided to go to Padre Island. After arriving there, they really didn’t know what to do so just started walking down the beach.

      After a half hour, they come across this stunning woman laying tanning in a bikini. Being dumbfounded, they stop and stare at her.

      As soon as she notices them, she lowers her sunglasses and looks at the second aggie and smiles. The first Aggie, seeing he didn’t return the courtesy says to the second “Hey stoopid! She’s smilin at yew! Smile back, yew idjit.” So, the second Aggie smiles with a big s***-eatin southern grin.

      Seeing this, the girl winks at the second Aggie. Still in a punch-drunk love, he just stands there until the first tells him “God yew idjit! wink back! WINK…BACK!” So, the second Aggie winks back at the girl.

      Evidently interested in him, the girl sits up and smiles and slowly raises her top and shows him her breasts.

      Both boys, in shock, stare and then the first Aggie says ” OH MAN!!! DUDE!!! Yer gunna score!! Show her yer nuts!”

      So the second Aggie looks at him hesitantly, shrugs…then puts his thumbs in his ears, sticks his tongue out and goes “BLRBLRBRLRBLRBLR!” and dances around the beach.

      —————–

      Shows you what stupid dudes will do for some action.

    • #3244477

      Reasons why beer is better than a man

      by jck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
      A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
      A beer won’t expect you to cook dinner when you’re not hungry.
      A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
      A beer doesn’t care if you go shopping.
      A beer doesn’t mind when your mother visits.
      A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
      Having a beer can’t make you pregnant.
      A beer won’t tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
      If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn’t love it more than you.
      A beer doesn’t want to go out alone with the other beers.
      A beer doesn’t sulk.
      A beer wouldn’t waste its money on Playbeer magazine.

    • #3244476

      firefighter comedy

      by anykey??? ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A guy comes home one night and tells his wife,”woman i’m gunna start runnin this house like a fire station.”

      When I yell 1 alarm you stop what you are doin
      when I yell 2 alarm you take off all your clothes
      When I yell 3 alarm you get to the bedroom and assume the position

      Well he gets home the next night and decides to try it out.
      he yells 1 alarm, his wife stops cookin instantly
      he yells 2 alarm, his wife strips down naked
      he yells 3 alarm, his wife runs off to the bedroom and assumes the position

      within seconds he is in there pumpin like the worlds comin to an end

      and couple of seconds later his wife is screamin 4 alarm 4 alarm

      he says 4 alarm what the h*ll is 4 alarm

      she yells back MORE HOSE I NEED MORE HOSE.

    • #3243392

      Fix your tags Jess

      by oz_media ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Stick with the program lady!

      et your Friday Yuk Tags to coincide with the others, for easier tracking, once they finish the system.

      I was told/asked/challenged by Jay, I’m just slinging the crap down the line to you now.

      😀

      • #3243368

        There!!!

        by jessie ·

        In reply to Fix your tags Jess

        You happy now?!?!?! :p

        • #3243346

          Mucho

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to There!!!

          Have a great weekend. I’m off to the races, apparently it’s about 21 degrees in Vancouver today, some say it will rain on Sunday but I doubt it.

        • #3243343

          You too.

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Mucho

          Enjoy the races… I assume you mean 21Celsius… since that’s what the rest of the world apparently uses… I don’t understand why. Fahrenheit seems so much more accurate to me… more decimals to use…

          Anywho… have a GREAT weekend yourself. Win LOTS of money… or at least don’t lose your shorts!

        • #3243288

          Um think about that

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to You too.

          You can use as many decimals in either system as you like.

          I too assume he means Celsius. The nice thing about Celcius is you don’t have to memorize the freezing or boiling points of water.

          The metric system in general makes so much sense. Pity Canada didn’t adopt it before I learned the imperial system. I am one of the people who learned one system, then switched in high school to another. Science stuff is definately easier in metric.

          James

        • #3243282

          try doing it twice!

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Um think about that

          In England I learned Metric, then came to Canada and learned Imperial, then they switched o metric.

          In trade school, it is 50/50, you need metric and imperial tools (even for cars manufactured in the same place and often for the same car). You need measuring instruments in both as well as one or the other. You are CONSTANTLY converting back and forth, you look at a bolt and think 1/2″, then as you walk to your tools you are thinking 12mm, 13mm’ish). You return with three sockets and find it is imperial, the bolt adjacent to it and installed for the same part is metric though.

          I wouldn’t mind if they could pick a system and stick to it. But this half and half crap is tiring.

        • #3243220

          I got lucky

          by jck ·

          In reply to try doing it twice!

          I was in that generation where the USA under Jimmy Carter was looking to either convert or use both systems as a standard.

          I still just figure in my head ((f-32) * 5) /9 when I talk to my friends in Europe for temps…or about 2.54cm = 1 inch, 3.3 feet = 1m, etc etc etc.

          simple math is nice 🙂

        • #3243121

          Why think?

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to try doing it twice!

          Yeah I had to learn volumes and measures and conversions for 6 years of gruelling automotive tests.

          But now I just ‘calculator it’ if I don’t just know it right off. Most measurements I just know what they are either way, if not I use a converter or just come close.

        • #3245100
          Avatar photo

          Well OZ you’ll probably love this one

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to try doing it twice!

          Many years ago we imported several Cosworth DFV motors they where the 3.5 Liter F1’s of the day for a car that we where building for a customer and because it was never intended for the F1 scene but the Prototype class in the LeManns 24 hour we got a heap of spares as well and the measuring equipment to go along with them as at the time we had converted to metric here and couldn’t convert to the required tolerances. 😉

          Well about a week after the shipment arrived we where raided by the Feds for importing illegal goods and they burst in with M16’s Drawn and pointed, when one kicked my office door in I was busy and without even looking up I just told the guy to F##K OFF I’m busy! 😀

          That didn’t go down overly well particularly as I refused to even look up and continued doing what I was doing and completely ignoring the Fed who was getting more and more Pissed Off by my total lack of concern. 🙂

          Anyway eventually I was called by one of the partners and I looked up and saw this guy more than a bit hot under the collar and immediately thought that something had been added to our container of the illegal narcotic variety which we knew absolutely nothing about as at the time we had not opened the container. Anyway I grabbed the keys and a pair of bolt cutters to open the container and was almost laughing when the Feds wet themselves over all the Imperial Measuring Equipment until I realized that they where being serious and impounding the lot. They left us the motors and spares but took every piece of measuring equipment and insisted that we use Metric when the original design was in Imperial with tolerances of up to 4 microns. 😉

          Anyway eventually we got it all back but needed to go to court first because there was no metric measurements on any of the stuff so it was Illegal to bring in. Talk about Bureaucratic Red Tape. But I just loved the response from the Feds as they did act a bit on the overkill side of things after all we where a engineering workshop and where hardly likely to be the slightest bit violent but they had to protect themselves just in case one of the fitters actually shook one of their hands and left grease on it. 😀

          But what was really funny was that all the measuring equipment was oiled metal to stop it rusting so they had to wash their hands before leaving anyway. 🙂

          Col ]:)

        • #3243278

          ;)

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Um think about that

          I knew that James… this IS the friday YUK after all, and I was having a sarcastic moment… I’ll remember to post my smilies next time so as not to confuse people. 😉

        • #3243235

          Work in Celsius; feel in Fahrenheit.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Um think about that

          I love working in metric; it’s so damn logical and easy but when they say it’s 15-18 degrees; does that require a jacket or not??? :^O

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3243228

          Depends – are you a hardy Canadian

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to Work in Celsius; feel in Fahrenheit.

          Or a wimpy person from southern climes?

          I think I really learned the temps well working on ski racing courses. The snow guns now make snow even at slightly above freezing, but the quality of the snow differs. Maintaining the course gets harder the warmer it gets. So we watched the forecasts and thermometers carefully.

          I do know people who know one unit of measurement in metric and another in Imperial. Its really confusing to talk about miles per litre…

          James

        • #3243208

          Well I don’t mind skiing when it’s -20F or -29C. Is that hardy enough?

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Work in Celsius; feel in Fahrenheit.

          It’s those mid range temperature between 12-22 degrees Celsius that always seem to make me pause and force me into doing the conversion. Once done you feel like kicking yourself because logically you should know this stuff by now.

          Dawg 😉 ]:)

        • #3245007

          Col; The oil probably helped with their self-abuse program.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Um think about that

          Seeing as they were Feds, I would be safe in assuming that like most Feds everywhere, they’re a pack of total jerk-offs. On that basis they should have been extremely grateful. Government cost cutting has probably eliminated “vaseline” and “hand lotion” as “office supplies”. 😉

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3243338

          it’s gonna be 28 and sunny here

          by jck ·

          In reply to Mucho

          in Florida. Gonna rain for about 2 hours this evening and then be around 24-27 this weekend and sunny. 🙂

        • #3243233

          Showoff!!!!

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to it’s gonna be 28 and sunny here

          :^O

        • #3243218

          I might be swill, according to some

          by jck ·

          In reply to Showoff!!!!

          but, I was smart enough to move to FL before housing got into 6-figures for a 2 bed home 🙂

        • #3243164
          Avatar photo

          Well in that case I’ll not

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Showoff!!!!

          Mention the Temp here. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3243166
          Avatar photo

          Jessie we’ll learn you yet!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to There!!!

          The people behind TR have been working very hard to improve the site and despite my suggestion of placing Bromide in all the upper management teams coffee machine so the real workers can get on with their work they seem to be succeeding. 😀

          Now don’t forget next time you open a thread to post it properly so we can pick it us easily. :p

          Col ]:)

    • #3243215

      Absolutely Guaranteed to offend somebody!!!!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Draw a Pig – What your Picture Means

      On a sheet of paper, draw a picture of a pig.
      Do your best.
      Then scroll down and read the rest of this message.
      Don’t cheat, because if you do it won’t work.
      Draw the pig first and just follow the instructions, it won’t take but a
      minute.
      Have fun. This is quite interesting! You must not scroll down until you
      have drawn the pig.
      Draw your picture. No cheating now. You will find this veryinteresting if
      you draw your picture first!
      *******************************************************

      YOU’RE CHEATING! DRAW THE FRIGGIN PIG!!!

      IT RUINS THE JOKE IF YOU DON’T DRAW THE PIG. IT
      DOESN’T HAVE TO LOOK GOOD. JUST DO IT. IT’LL TAKE 20 SECONDS.

      YOU’LL BE SORRY IF YOU DIDN’T DRAW THE PIG.

      *******************************************************

      The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.
      If the pig is drawn:

      Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
      Toward the middle, you are a realist.
      Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave
      negatively.

      Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates
      (birthdays, etc.)
      Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don’t have a strong sense
      of family, nor do you remember dates.
      Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil’s
      advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

      With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
      With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details
      and are a risk-taker.

      With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a
      period of major change.
      With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.

      The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the
      better.

      The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!! (And
      again more is better!)

      OK, SO WHO DIDN’T DRAW A TAIL ????

      #####################################################

      Lady Golfers – English – Irish – Scottish

      Golfers

      The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
      her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
      underwear.

      “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband
      demanded.

      “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

      The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake
      of decency, here’s ?50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

      Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
      also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

      “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?”

      She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

      He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s ?20.
      Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

      Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
      her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

      “Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?”

      She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
      any.”

      The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and hands her a comb saying, “Well, fer the love ‘o
      Jasus, ‘n the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

      ######################################################

      New Words – New Definitions

      The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word
      from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
      letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

      Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

      Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
      laid.

      Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

      Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
      doesn’t get it.

      Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

      Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

      Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

      Karmageddon: It’s, like, when everybody is sending off all these really
      bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like, a
      serious bummer.

      Glibido: All talk and no action.

      Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
      come at you rapidly.

      Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
      realize it was your money to start with.

      And, the pick of the bunch:

      Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an a$$hole.

      ######################################################

      Quotes About Dogs

      Dogs

      The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
      his tongue.” -Anonymous

      “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
      wonderful.” -Ann Landers

      “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
      went.” -Will Rogers

      “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
      Ben Williams

      “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
      himself.” -Josh Billings

      “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” -Andrew A.
      Rooney

      “We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
      And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever
      made.” -M.Facklam

      “Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
      are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.” -Sigmund
      Freud

      “If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
      known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons…” -James Thurber

      “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
      times before lying down.” -Robert Benchley

      “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
      cult.” -Rita Rudner

      “Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current
      events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
      late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
      often continued in the next yard.” Dave Barry

      “Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
      -Franklin P. Jones

      “My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can..
      That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.” – Joe Weinstein

      “Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a
      dog,it’s too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx

      “Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from
      a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a
      cow…. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” -Anne Tyler

      “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
      get used to the idea.” -Robert A. Heinlein

      ######################################################

      The Pope – John Kerry & George W Bush & Dick Cheney

      On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
      Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on
      Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic
      commotion just off shore.

      There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws
      of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came
      racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush
      quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side while Dick Cheney reached
      out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water.

      Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and
      hauled it into the boat.

      Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. “I give you
      My blessings for your brave actions,” he told them. “I heard that there
      was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I
      have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

      As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick “Who was that?”

      “It was the Pope,” Dick replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has
      all of God’s wisdom.”

      “Well,” President Bush said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom, but he
      doesn’t know squat about shark fishing……………….how’s the bait
      holding up?”

      ######################################################

      Understanding Australian Slang – Caution – This absolutely is guaranteed to offend somebody!!!!

      ” Understanding us Aussie’s ”

      ABRA-KEBABRA
      A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes
      down the performer’s throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly
      reappears on the taxi floor.

      AEROPLANE BLONDE
      One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

      AUSSIE KISS
      Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

      BADLY PACKED KEBAB
      A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia

      BEAVER LEAVER
      A homosexual (male)

      BEER COAT
      The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
      cruise at 3 in the morning.

      BEER COMPASS
      The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
      cruise, even though you’re too pissed to remember where you live, how you
      got there, and where you’ve come from.

      BEER SCOOTER
      The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it
      i.e. “I don’t even remember getting home last night, I must have caught
      the beer scooter”.

      BOBFOC
      Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

      BOILER SUIT
      The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus
      aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually
      brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.

      BONE OF CONTENTION
      A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a
      man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

      BREAKING THE SEAL
      Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of solid drinking.
      After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will
      be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

      BRITNEY SPEARS
      Modern slang for ‘beers’, e.g. “Couple of Britneys please, Doreen”.

      BRUCE LEE
      Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

      BUDGIE’S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
      The female erection.

      BUNNY-BOILER
      An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in
      the film “Fatal Attraction”, e.g. ” I don’t like the look of that
      aeroplane blonde – could be a bunny boiler”.

      COCK-A-DOODLE-POO
      The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the

      morning to get to the toilet quick.

      CRAPPUCCINO
      The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

      DOUBLE BASS
      A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then
      fiddles with the woman’s nipples with one hand and her Budgie’s tongue
      with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing the
      double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

      DRINK-LINK
      A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common

      to visit one before going out on the booze.

      ETCH-A-SKETCH
      Trying to draw a smile on a woman’s face by twiddling both her nipples
      simultaneously.

      FLOGGING ON
      Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

      FREE THE TADPOLES
      Liberate the residents of the Wank Tanks.

      FRIGMAROLE
      Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

      FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
      The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

      GOING FOR A McSHIT
      Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re
      just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
      declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is called a
      “McShit With Lies”.

      GREYHOUND
      A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

      HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
      A vigorous masturbation session.

      JOHNNY-NO-STARS
      A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works
      in a burger restaurant. The ‘no stars’ comes from the badges displaying
      stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level
      of training.

      McSPLURRY
      The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast
      food restaurants.

      MILLENNIUM DOMES
      The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
      the
      outside, but there’s actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

      MONKEY BATH
      A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go “Oo! Ool Oo!
      Aa! Aa! Aa!”.

      MUMBLER
      An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc i.e. you can see the
      ‘lips’ moving but can’t quite make out what they’re saying.

      MYSTERY BUS
      The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet
      after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
      pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

      MYSTERY TAXI
      The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
      up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your
      bed instead.

      NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
      Someone that you’d chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a
      10-pinter.

      NELSON MANDELA
      Rhyming slang for “Stella” (the lager).

      ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
      The need to defecate imminently.

      PEARL HARBOUR
      Cold (weather). An example of it would be – “It’s a bit Pearl Harbour out
      there!” Meaning – there’s a nasty ‘nip’ in the air.

      PICASSO ARSE
      A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got
      4 buttocks.

      RAGMAN’S COAT
      Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. “That mumbler looks quite fit, but I
      bet she’s got a kebab like a ragmans coat!”

      RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
      To defecate e.g. “I’ve got one in the departure lounge, so I’m just
      nipping
      out to release a chocolate hostage”.

      SALAD DODGER
      An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

      SKIN-CHIMNEY –
      see BADLY PACKED KEBAB

      SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM
      A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

      STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
      A homosexual

      SWAMP-DONKEY
      A deeply unattractive woman

      TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
      Bottled Alcopops, e.g Hooch, regularly consumed by young woman.

      TEN-PINTER
      Someone that you’d only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

      TITANIC
      A lady who goes down the first time out.

      TODGER DODGER
      A lesbian.

      TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER
      Someone that you’d need 2 paper bags to have sex with (one to cover
      their head, and one to cover yours, just incase their bag falls off).

      UP ON THE BLOCKS
      Menstruating i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage, e.g.
      “I don’t think I’ll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on the
      blocks”.

      VAGINA DECLINA
      A homosexual (male)

      WALLACE AND GROMIT
      Rhyming slang for ‘Vomit’.

      WANK SIANCE
      During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you’re being watched

      with disgust by your dead relatives.

      WYNONA RYDER
      Rhyming slang for ‘cider’. e.g. “Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a
      bottle of Tart Fuel please Doreen”.

      X-PILES
      Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

      #######################################################

      Mary the Mental Patient Saves Jim – Sort of!

      Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

      One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
      suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
      Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

      She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

      When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately
      ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her
      to be mentally stable.

      When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news & bad
      news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able
      to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained
      your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
      with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

      Mary replied “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”

      Too bad Col isn’t here to confirm the Aussie slang bit. :^O

      Dawg 😉 ]:)

      • #3243197

        I want my money back!!!

        by jessie ·

        In reply to Absolutely Guaranteed to offend somebody!!!!

        I wasn’t offended at all… that’s not fair! I want my money back… or give me 1000 tech points… :p

        • #3243176

          I’m truly sorry (not) that I short changed you on being offended but…..

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to I want my money back!!!

          Go back up top and read what I said about feet, yours specifically. Gawd, I’m in for it now. :^O

          Dawg 😉 ]:)

        • #3243174

          Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to I’m truly sorry (not) that I short changed you on being offended but…..

          Q: Why did God make women’s feet smaller than men’s?
          A: So they can get closer to the stove and sink.

          The hubby actually told me that one… didn’t work out to well for him though as his feet are the zact same size as mine… which means he has to do his “share” and since he’s the one who told that joke… his “share” is bigger than mine!!!

        • #3243157

          Migawd, size thirteens???

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…

          :^O

        • #3243141
          Avatar photo

          Jessie my wife tried that one as well on me

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…

          But it didn’t work out to her satisfaction and I was thrown out of the kitchen on the first attempt. 😀

          Apparently all the broken plates where a bit too much for her to handle and when she asked did I want to eat off the floor I just replied “Suits Me!” 😉

          I’ve never been allowed in the kitchen again for any reason but honestly I can say that the dish washing substance really felt like some acid on my hands and I was constantly turning on water to wash it off “The plates where slippery just like when you have got acid on your hands so you have to get it off quickly” of course the plates didn’t survive the experience and she has never been game enough to allow me near the kitchen again. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3243146
          Avatar photo

          Well I want my money back as well!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I’m truly sorry (not) that I short changed you on being offended but…..

          You said draw a PIG so I drew the face of a Police Officer facing left in profile you didn’t ever mention that you wanted a real pig drawn {The type that makes bacon} as any other description would still mean a Cop to me and most of my fellow countrymen. 😀

          Incidentally I was only gone for 4 days it’s hardly as if I’ve deserted TR completely. Am I really that important here? :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3243095

          Nice to see your “evil eye” avatar has returned.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Well I want my money back as well!

          Now will you confirm or deny that this is “real” Aussie slang.

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3245090
          Avatar photo

          OK Dawg I give up!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Nice to see your “evil eye” avatar has returned.

          Actually that is my right eye as of 9-11 but actually it was looking somewhat better by then as on 9-9 I dropped a car on myself and nearly managed to kill myself just to get away from computers but I failed! 🙁

          Now to your question most I’ve heard previously but there are a few that appear to be particularly American in nature they are as follows.

          BEAVER LEAVER

          As the Beaver is a US native animal and I’ve only seen it mentioned in a instance like this in the Naked Gun series.” At least I think that was what that series of movies where called anyway the Leslie Nielson ones.”

          BOBFOC

          May be used by the younger Aussies but I honestly think that by the time Crime Watch was being shown over here Bay Watch had long died a natural death and we have better bodies on the beach here anyway. They don’t melt in the sun like the plastic Pamela Anderson’s do. 😉

          DRINK-LINK

          I’ve only ever heard these refereed to as Dynamite machines because they allow you to get money out of a bank at night through a hole in the wall.

          GOING FOR A McSHIT

          Sounds about right but we don’t call them restaurants over here although all the fast food places try very hard to make out that they are better than they actually are.

          JOHNNY-NO-STARS

          This one could work as it is but really sounds much more like our current Prime Minister.

          PEARL HARBOUR

          Another Americanism which I haven’t herd previously although I’ll admit to hearing quite a few people saying that It’s quite nipply out today. Meaning that it’s Bloody Cold. Also women say to other women “I see your headlights are on” again meaning its cold out. 🙂

          Col ]:)

      • #3243094

        A couple have been used here over time

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Absolutely Guaranteed to offend somebody!!!!

        As all slang terms will be used during different stages of life or changing society, I HAVE heard the following many times.

        Beaver Leaver (homosexual)also known as a ‘Bent Ender’ (living in the West End, Vancouver’s biggest gay neighbourhood) and Titanic (used as a term for someone who will go down on anything).

        But a couple are pretty out of line again, such as ‘MUMBLER’ which is a term I heard/used often in high school, or else we’d just say SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER, I **** HEAR YOU!, when they walked by. (pigs, I know).

        I went to school where Camel Toe or Moose Knuckle was a term girls wanted to hear, jeans were so tight they were zipped up with a coat hanger while laying flat on the bed.

    • #3243213

      How to tell you shouldn’t trust your neighbor

      by jck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      When his “favorite” pet walks funny after they finish “playing”.

      If his lawn jockey resembles Satan.

      If his idea of a recreational vehicle is a 1960s Cadillac hearse.

      If your dog went missing right before his nightly barbecue.

      If they brag about using the welfare system to buy them everything, but then goes door to door begging for money.

      When they explain 2×6 dirt mounds in the yard as “those pesky termites”

    • #3243158

      All the things you didn’t know about farts and were afraid to ask!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      STRANGE FACTS ON FARTS

      Where does fart gas come from?

      The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts.

      What is fart gas made of?

      The composition of fart gas is highly variable.
      Most of the air we swallow, especially the oxygen component, is absorbed by the body before the gas gets into the intestines. By the time the air reaches the large intestine, most of what is left is nitrogen. Chemical reactions between stomach acid and intestinal fluids may produce carbon dioxide, which is also a component of air and a product of bacterial action. Bacteria also produce hydrogen and methane.
      But the relative proportions of these gases that emerge from our anal opening depend on several factors: what we ate, how much air we swallowed, what kinds of bacteria we have in our intestines, and how long we hold in the fart.
      The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of boring, inert nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine.
      A nervous person who swallows a lot of air and who moves stuff through his digestive system rapidly may have a lot of oxygen in his farts, because his body didn’t have time to absorb the oxygen.
      Encyclopaedia Britannica offers the intriguing statement that some people’s farts contain no methane. The reason for this is apparently unknown. Some researchers suspect a genetic influence, whereas others think the anomaly is due to environmental factors. However, all methane in any farts comes from bacterial action and not from human cells.

      What makes farts stink?

      The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

      Why do farts make noise?

      The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.

      How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

      On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.
      Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.

      How does a fart travel to the anus?

      One may wonder why fart gas travels downward toward the anus when gas has a lower density than liquids and solids, and should therefore travel upwards.
      The intestine squeezes its contents toward the anus in a series of contractions, a process called peristalsis. The process is stimulated by eating, which is why we often need to poop and fart right after a meal. Peristalsis creates a zone of high pressure, forcing all intestinal contents, gas included, to move towards a region of lower pressure, which is toward the anus. Gas is more mobile than other components, and small bubbles coalesce to from larger bubbles en route to the exit. When peristalsis is not active, gas bubbles may begin to percolate upwards again, but they won’t get very far due to the complicated and convoluted shape of the intestine. Furthermore, the anus is neither up nor down when a person is lying down.

      How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else’s nose?

      Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity and wind speed, as well as the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever.
      Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

      Is it true that some people never fart?

      No, not if they’re alive. People even fart shortly after death.

      Do even movie stars fart?

      Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.

      Do men fart more than women?

      No, women fart just as much as men. It’s just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.
      I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.

      At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?

      A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as “morning thunder,” and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

      Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?

      Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas!
      Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins.
      A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog’s digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog’s bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

      What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?

      People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don’t. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

      Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?

      No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

      Is it harmful to hold in farts?

      There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for peoples’ health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts.
      Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.

      How long would it be possible to not fart?

      As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!

      Where do farts go when you hold them in?

      How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it?
      I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it?
      The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later.
      It is reassuring to know that such farts aren’t really lost, just delayed.

      Is it really possible to ignite farts?

      The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice.
      There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

      Why is possible to burn farts?

      Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.)
      Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

      Is it possible to light a match with a fart?

      No, even strike-anywhere matches have their limits, unless the fart has the consistency of sandpaper! Any fart that rough I would hesitate to call a fart. Also, farts have the same temperature as the body from which they emerge, and aren’t hot enough to initiate combustion.

      Are there any books about farting?

      There are several! My favorite is the new book, Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart by Jim Dawson. This book provides an entertaining and thought-provoking history of the fart in literature, language and society. It is very informative and very funny!
      Ben Franklin’s classic Fart Proudly is still in print.
      There is a collection of suggestive photographs called Who Farted Now? by St. Martin’s Press. Most of the photos come from old movies and political shots.
      For children, we have the famous The Gas We Pass : The Story of Farts by Shinta Cho, and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum (Translator), and the Canadian picture book, Good Families Don’t , by Alan Daniel and Robert N. Munsch, about a highly visible fart infesting a proper middle class family.

      Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence?

      Few people earn their living directly via flatulence. But a friend of mine says that he saw a carnival act in which the performer whistled tunes with his farts, blew out candles on the opposite side of the stage, and sent flames all the way across the stage. A famous performer who earned his living this way was Le Petomane, who performed in France at the beginning of the 20th Century. However, my friend isn’t old enough to have seen Le Petomane, so maybe he had a chance to see Mr. Methane. Mr. Methane lays claim to the distinction of being the world’s only performing flatulist.
      However, people may also earn a living through the prevention of flatulence (as do the manufacturers and sellers of Beano and other products), through the practice of medicine specializing in the treatment of flatulence and other gastrointestinal problems, by writing books about flatulence (see the question before this one), and through the production and sales of various fart gags such as whoopee cushions and farts in a can.
      Fartypants sells a fart filter and a number of other fart-related products.
      Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to find a copy of Le Petomane’s biography by searching at alibris by clicking on the link below. Last time I checked, they had two copies available!

      Why do dog and cat farts smell so bad?

      A carnivore’s protein-rich diet produces relatively small amounts of intensely stinky gas because proteins contain lots of sulfur. A dog’s or cat’s farts are rarely audible, but the odor is overwhelming. I have asked biologists why dogs and cats generally fart silently, and their theories include: (1) the amount of gas produced is small, but potent, (2) the horizontal orientation of their gastrointestinal system puts less pressure on the anal opening, so the gas is expelled more slowly, (3) their anal sphincters don’t close as tightly as humans’ because it takes less force to hold in the contents of the colon — again because of the horizontal orientation of the gastrointestinal system — and a loose anus makes less sound, and, my favorite (4) dogs and cats don’t feel embarrassed about farting, so their sphincters are more relaxed, leading to less noisy flatulence.
      Mike F. points out that many dog foods are soy-based, so on top of all the above factors, add beans and stand back!
      Large herbivorous animals such as cows, horses and elephants, on the other hand, produce vast quantities of relatively non-stinky fart gas. The farts of these animals are noisy and can go on for astoundingly long periods of time. Cows in particular are productive, in part because they swallow huge amounts of air. They need oxygen in their guts for the various protozoa employed there as digestive aids.

      Do fish fart?

      According to our ichthyologist at the University of Guam, fish flatulence per se has not been studied, although people have investigated fish digestion. They find that although most fish have alkaline intestinal environments like our own, coral-eating fish have acidic intestinal contents. The acid serves to dissolve coral skeletal material. Coral has the same composition as Tums (calcium carbonate). One product of the reaction between acid and calcium carbonate is carbon dioxide gas. Therefore, it is logical to assume that coral-eating fish fart a lot.
      The other fish probably fart also, for the same reasons that we do.
      However, Mike Pulte, a great fish enthusiast, said that he has never seen a fish do it.
      I asked our ichthyologist if it were possible that fish gas would go into the swim bladder instead of out the anal opening. He said that modern fish have an air bladder that is independent of the gastrointestinal tract. The gas comes from enzymatic activity and not from the intestine. Older models of fish have their swim bladder connected to the gastrointestinal tract, but it is attached high up, closer to the mouth than to the other end, and these fish come to the surface and gulp air to fill the bladder. Therefore, we can assume that intestinal gas leaves the fish through the anal opening.
      We also pondered the possibility of fish making noise via flatulence, but apparently most fish noises are made through belching rather than farting.
      Lisa P., an aquarium enthusiast, reports that she has seen her fish fart: “I have four aquariums and many fish, and I have personally witnessed fish farting! My goldfish used to do it all the time! You’d see a little bubble come out of his anus and stay there, trapped in the mucus of a long string of poop. (Ugh!) And my opaline gourami does it too. Neither of these are coral-eating fish. I have only owned two coral-eating fish so far, but I have never seen either of them fart. It seems most likely to me that much of this gas comes from air swallowed during eating. Also, goldfish have a very simple digestive system and their food is absorbed inefficiently, so possibly the bacteria have more to feed on?”

      Do turtles fart?

      Yes, turtles do fart, and their farts smell incredibly bad, as do the farts of snakes. In fact, it is my opinion, based on personal experience with reptiles and not on any formal research, that many reptiles use farts as a weapon.
      Reptile farts smell so bad that sometimes you can tell that one is nearby in the woods, even on a windy day, before you can see the animal. One day I was hiking through the woods in Arkansas with a friend and I told my friend, “I smell a snake fart.” A second later, the snake crawled across the path. Astounding but true!

      What kind of animal has the highest worldwide output of flatulence?

      Believe it or not, the animal that wins this honor is the humble termite. Because of their diet and digestive processes (with more than the usual microbial assistance), they produce as much methane as human industry. Termite farts are believed to be a major contributor towards global warming.

      Is there any kind of animal that doesn’t fart?

      If we define a fart to be an anal escape of intestinal gas, then it follows that animals that lack intestines or an anus cannot fart. Most animals possess intestines and an anus, but there are some that don’t. These include:
      Sponges: These organisms lack true tissues and organs. They have just a few types of cells organized into a bag with holes in it. Water flows into some holes and out other holes. Sponges are so different from other animals that some biologists think we shouldn’t even call them animals.
      Cnidaria: This phylum includes the jellyfish, corals, sea anemones and hydra. Their tissues are organized into a bag with a mouth surrounded by stinging tentacles. Food enters the mouth and is digested inside the bag, after which the leftovers are expelled via the same opening. In effect, the same hole serves as both a mouth and an anus. Any gas expelled by a cnidarian would be more appropriately termed a belch rather than a fart, since the animal lacks intestines and separate anus.
      Pogonophoran worms: These remarkable animals, who dwell on the sea floor near active volcanic regions associated with mid-ocean ridges, possess no mouth, no stomach, no intestines, and no anus. Apparently they retain their svelte, worm-shaped figures by giving up on eating completely! They survive by means of a mutualistic relationship with chemosynthetic bacteria that live in their flesh. Anyway, these animals cannot possibly fart.

      A second category of animals that probably don’t fart are animals that live very deep underwater. At high pressures, gas remains in solution rather than forming bubbles. So there is a good chance that all those clams, echinoderms, fish and other animals living near the sealer don’t fart because their farts stay in solution and never emerge as bubbles, even though the animals possess perfectly good intestines and anuses.

      Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?

      Judging from what I see when I do the laundry, I’d say that the answer to the first question is definitely yes.
      As for the causes, we must remember that what we call “fart” and what we call “poop” are just end-members of a continuum. That is, we can have a pure fart, or a pure poop, or anything in-between, depending upon the admixture of the two.
      If a sample consists mostly of poop with only a small fart component, you get such things as jet-propelled bowel movements and spongy, floating fecal masses (you know, the ones that refuse to be flushed down the toilet — they keep popping back up).
      If the sample consists mostly of fart with only a small poop component, you get what is known as “skid marks” or “fart art.” These can also result from inadequate wiping, but the shape of the stain is different in the two cases. Inadequate wiping leads to elongate marks parallel to one’s crack, usually with well-defined edges, whereas fart art is generally more circular and has an air-brushed look.
      Fart art is most likely to occur if (1) a person is suffering from diarrhea, (2) the person is trying too hard to fart, and (3) the person mistakenly perceives the pressure against his sphincter to be gas pressure rather than liquid pressure. Again, that last situation is most likely to occur if the person is afflicted with diarrhea.

      How can we tell when it’s only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious?

      Our ability to distinguish between the need to fart and the need to poop is something that we learn gradually in the process of toilet training and early childhood. With the tactile nerve endings in the rectal area, we can actually feel different sensations depending upon what is waiting by the exit. Of course, sometimes we are fooled, especially if the substance at hand is extremely fluid in nature, and that is when we have the unfortunate accident of venting a squirt of diarrhea rather than an innocent fart.

      Why do chicks always deny farting?

      I suppose I should start by saying that only some chicks deny farting. The rest of us acknowledge our gaseous accomplishments with pride.
      However, a great many sisters do deny farting. The reason is that they have been misled into thinking that farts are not ladylike. It is a great mistake to say that farting is not ladylike. The reason is that all people fart, including ladies. Anything that ladies do is by definition ladylike, and that includes the emission of anal gases.

      Is is possible that, by inhaling other people’s farts all day long, my own farts will smell more?

      No, inhaled farts would go into the lungs rather than into the digestive system, and would simply be exhaled again, although it might be possible that some of the fart components might be absorbed into the blood. If you wanted to benefit from other people’s farts in the way you describe, you would have to swallow them somehow.

      Is it possible to get stoned after inhaling two or three farts in a row?

      I am not aware of any intoxicating agents in flatulence. However, most farts contain very little oxygen, and you may experience dizziness if you are inhaling overly concentrated fart essence, simply from lack of oxygen. On the other hand, if you are inhaling farts in the open air and are breathing rapidly in order to inhale as much fart as possible, you may be hyperventilating, which also induces dizziness.
      Then there is the intrinsic hilarity factor: farts are so funny in both sound and odor that you might feel high just from the basic entertainment value of farts.

      Is it possible for a fart to kill you?

      A great many of you have asked if farts can be fatal, or if you can die from smelling a particularly bad fart. My initial response to this question was “no,” but I thought I’d better ask a doctor. So now it is official, the medical opinion I received is no, a fart can’t kill you.
      However, if you really work hard at it, you can manage to kill yourself with just about anything. I recently read of a man who hooked up his nose to his anus with a system involving a gas mask, rubber tubing and a hollow wooden post. He died of suffocation. This story comes from the Darwin Awards, and I personally cannot attest to the overall veracity of their stories.
      The story of the bed-bound obese man who died from inhaling his own flatulence (and whose farts almost killed the paramedics) is an urban legend that has been in circulation for some time.

      Can excessive farting cause impotence?

      That depends on the tolerance level of the person with whom one is trying to be potent!
      Fortunately for humans, farting doesn’t cause tissue damage. Other animals aren’t so lucky. Soldier termites can actually turn themselves into bombs by detonating themselves via the explosive release of gas and feces, a process called “autothysis.”

      Is it possible to inhale (suck in air) via one’s anal opening?

      Yes, but it’s a rare talent. The great early 20th Century French flatulist, Le Petomane, was able to do this, and in fact was able to suck up an entire bowlful of water (just the water, not the bowl) into his colon and expel it again with considerable force. By sucking in large quantities of air, he was able to perform lengthy shows on stage, and could imitate musical instruments, farm animals, and bird songs, whistle melodies, and play the ocarina. His productions were said to be virtually odorless, which is to be expected from air obtained directly from the outside.
      Here is a message I received recently (November, 1999) regarding the skill of inhaling via the anus:
      “I would just like you to know that i am part of a trio, who can suck in air in our anal openings. we are somewhat air-bandits. we can let the longest farts you have ever heard. our record holder, chad, stands at 24 sec. the record for most farts in a row is derek, at 492. and i, robert, have earned such nicknames as: Mad Crapper, gurglemeister, and old wetful. We have followed Le Petomane example, and have mastered the art of farting.”

      What causes the burning sensation that sometimes accompanies a fart?

      This is generally caused by a recent meal of hot peppers or related spices. The oils associated with these foods remain intact and active all the way through one’s gastrointestinal system.

      If you fart in the bathtub, is the water polluted and should you refill the tub?

      As long as what comes out is only fart and no poop, your bath water should not be significantly polluted. Most of the gas just bubbles up and contaminates the air rather than the water.

      Is it true that a woman can fart out of her, shall we say, frontal opening, and if so, where does the gas come from?

      Yes, it is true! The gas that emerges is simply trapped air, for there is no gas production in the genitalia of a woman. The air can enter because the system is open to the outside. This highly specialized kind of fart is sometimes called a queef.

      Can a man fart out of his genital opening?

      I have asked various men this question and they all deny it emphatically.

      Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?

      It should be theoretically possible to do this, but there would be lots of logistical problems. I would suggest using a plastic bag instead of a jar. You might try the following as a science fair experiment:
      Fart into several plastic bags and seal them carefully. Then fill several other plastic bags with ordinary air. Wait 24 hours. Then get volunteers to smell the contents of the bags to see if they can correctly identify which ones contain the farts. This should tell you if it is possible to store a fart in any useful way.
      Malachi and Megaera have come up with a way to capture a fart in a jar. They say to do it in the bathtub while bathing. Fill the jar with bath water and then hold it with the open end downward. Lean back in the bathtub so that your fart bubbles will emerge in front of you rather than behind you where you can’t see them. Catch the bubbles in the jar, and put the lid on the jar while it’s still underwater. This way, you capture a fairly pure fart uncontaminated by atmospheric air. To enjoy your captured fart to the fullest extent, make sure that your jar does not already smell like whatever was it it before, like pickles or peanut butter.

      Is it weird to enjoy farting?

      It is not unusual to enjoy farting. I believe that enjoyment of farting is a healthy attitude, since everyone has to fart. If a person is farting to the extent that it creates problems and unhappiness, then a visit to a doctor is in order.

      What color is a fart?

      Farts are, alas, colorless. All of the gases that make up farts have no inherent color. But just think of how interesting it would be if farts were bright orange like nitrogen dioxide gas! It would certainly take the mystery out of who farted.
      Never-the-less, a high-personality gas like fart gas suggests color to people. Some people envision farts as brown, others as green or yellow. I have always thought of farts as brown, presumably because poop is brown. When someone farts in our car, that person might say, “You better not breathe through your mouth for awhile, or your teeth will turn brown.”
      I knew a toddler who used to draw pictures of farts as yellow rectangles full of holes, like a slice of Swiss cheese. She thought of farts as yellow, and said that she knew they were rectangular because she could feel the sharp corners scraping against her on the way out!

      Do other people smell a fart better than the farter?

      The fart should smell just as much for the person who created it as it does for other people. However, the farter is somewhat protected by having the fart propelled away from his body in a direction opposite to his nose. Farting upwind nullifies this advantage.

      Why is it that when you scratch your ass through two layers of clothing (your underwear and your jeans) your fingers still stink?

      As pointed out by Barb F., who contributed the term listed below, a fart can be regarded as “aerosolized poop,” which means that microscopic fragments and droplets of poop are actually distributed throughout the gaseous matrix of the fart. When delivered from the anus with some force, the components of the fart can penetrate one’s clothing and these tiny particles can be trapped in the fibers of the cloth. The particles are transferred to your fingers and then your nose when you scratch and sniff.

      Where does the word “fart” come from?

      According to Eric Partridge in his excellent book of word origins (Origins: A Short Etymological Dictionary of Modern English), our word fart comes from the Old English word feortan, presumably of echoic origin, meaning that the word was chosen to sound like the object named.

      When it is cold outside and you fart, can you see it like you can see your breath?

      Now, that’s an interesting idea! My guess would be yes, since farts are nice and moist like our breath, but this is one question that I’m not in a position to answer. I live in the tropics, and it never gets cold here. So all of you who live in cold places, try it out and let me know. I’d guess that there are really two questions here: can you see the fart with no pants on, and can you see the fart even with pants on…

      ######################################################

      Definition of a fart: Two $hits racing for the “hole”, the 1st one there, whistles.
      A fart is a burp that couldn’t make the hill!
      Farts smell so deaf people can appreciate them too.

      Dawg ]:)

    • #3243129
      Avatar photo

      Jessie since you have started this Friday Yuk

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Which is something that OZ took up the Baton on when GOD left TR for green pasturer’s and a life outside IT I think I’ll have to contact OZ and make it official. 🙂

      I’m voting for you to be responsible for hosting each and every Friday Yuk from now on, it will leave OZ time to look up his “Form Guides” so he can throw even more money away on the horses. 😀

      It also seems to have attracted a wider audience from more peers although I seem to think that the “Sexist Male Bashing” will only be a short term thing as you’ll very quickly run out of material to chuck at us mere males but I’m laughing anyway. :p

      Any way understand that the Friday Yuk has a long tradition and has to be kept to the highest standards if only so we can have a good laugh at the end of each week.

      Have a great week end. 😀

      Col ]:)

      • #3243128

        No Kidding?

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Jessie since you have started this Friday Yuk

        Do you REALLY think there isn’t a lot of ‘male bashing’ material? You are so naive.

        • #3243120

          I always thougth the Friday Yuk was just an open forum

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to No Kidding?

          You wanna start one, have at er. If someone else has started one, yeehaw!

          I actually don’t remember GURU’s Friday Yuk, but he did like to tell jokes on Friday (or any other day)I guess.

          I never took a baton, but I have always tried to get some kind of Friday humour started though, I think it will self-sustain now, SOMEONE is bound to post one.

        • #3245096
          Avatar photo

          Guru did start this off in his mad English humor

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I always thougth the Friday Yuk was just an open forum

          In an attempt to Finnish off the week with a laugh I think but he certainly did like to laugh at life in general and IT in particular. His very last posting was the Friday Yuk at a time when had nothing at all to want to laugh at but he soldered on and left us his legacy of the Friday Yuk which you quite rightly say appears to have taken on a life of its own and now seems a fixture here. 🙂

          But I was trying to let Jessie know that she had some very big shoes to fill in posting the Original Friday Yuk for the week. 😉

          Mike may he Rest In England just might be watching and turning rapidly on his spit if this was to disappear. 😀

          While a couple of us have posted a Friday Yuk from time to time you seem to have always been the one who has had something to contribute for an end of week laugh and although you might not realize it it you did pick up the baton that Guru of Dos left when he departed by being the one who continuously had a posting for the end of the working week laugh. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3245097
          Avatar photo

          Mae what can I saw?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to No Kidding?

          I’m nothing more than a “Mere Male” who is involved in IT but I would imagine just like Blond Jokes you can only tell so many before they start sounding the same. 🙂

          Just like the one that goes something like this “Why do women suffer from PMT? Answer Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. ” While somewhat funny it really is a one off that can not be followed up without sounding exactly the same can it? 😉

          Col ]:)

        • #3245006

          How about…….

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Mae what can I saw?

          What’s the difference between a rabid pit bull lunging for your throat and a woman in the throes of PMS???

          Answer: Lipstick!!!

          What’s the difference between a terrorist and a woman PMSing???

          Answer: You can try negotiating with the terrorist!!!

          Don’t get started on menopause jokes. 😉

          Dawg :^O

      • #3243535

        For the record…

        by jessie ·

        In reply to Jessie since you have started this Friday Yuk

        Twas *NOT* I who started with the male bashing this week. That was jck, purportedly a male himself, but apparently PMSing… or something.

        As an IT person, I merely saw a need… as OZ had not posted a YUK yet… and I filled it… as for filling large shoes… well… my 14 year old wears a size 14 mens shoe (triple wide) and if need be, I’ll just borrow his feet!

    • #3243106

      From a friend’s kids

      by oz_media ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Got this from a friend’s kids today, I don’t think they actually know what an ESSO BEE really is though. 🙂

      There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat.

      As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.

      One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he was coughing badly, but still he flew on.

      Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.

      When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: “Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?”

      He replied, “Well, it’s like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don’t like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That’s even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline.

      You know what they say don’t you…

      There’s an Esso Bee in every crowd!”

    • #3244766

      Love, Lust and Marriage

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Love, Lust and Marriage

      Love: When you take a bubble bath together
      Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
      Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

      Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
      Lust: “Do I have to buy you dinner first?”
      Marriage: 4 McDonald’s Happy Meals . . . to go

      Love: Giving your love some candy
      Lust: Thinking you are the candy
      Marriage: Scraping the kids’ candy off of the carpet

      Love: Sex every night
      Lust: Sex 5 times a night
      Marriage: What’s sex?

      Love: A night out at the symphony
      Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
      Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

      Love: French perfume
      Lust: Brut aftershave
      Marriage: “The baby needs changing. . .”

      Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
      Lust: “I can think of a way to stay warm . . .”
      Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

      Love: Talking and cuddling
      Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
      Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

      Love: Finding the “Fell in Love on AOL” room
      Lust: Finding the “Blonde Dominatrix” room
      Marriage: Finding the “Married and Looking” room

      Love: Long drives through the countryside
      Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover’s Lookout
      Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

      This is probably too true to be a real Yuk but what the hell. :^O

      Dawg ]:) 😉

      • #3245348

        3 types of marital sex…

        by jessie ·

        In reply to Love, Lust and Marriage

        There are 3 types of sex in a marriage:
        1) Counter sex – this is really, the “anywhere and everywhere” sex enjoyed in the first stages of marriage, before the children arrive, when you meet your spouse naked at the door and “do it” in the foyer.
        2) Bedroom sex – after the arrival of the children, and you’re confined to the bedroom.
        3) Hallway sex – where you pass each other in the hall and say “Fu@k you!”

    • #3243738

      Strange Advice From Famous People!!!!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Strange Advice From Famous People

      A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
      – – -Saki [H. H. Munro]

      Any idiot can get laid when they’re famous. That’s easy. It’s getting laid when you’re not famous that takes some talent.
      – – -Kevin Bacon, 1996

      Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let?s not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources.
      – – -Ronald Reagan (10 Sept. 1980)

      Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it?s looks, most women know otherwise.
      – – -Kathleen Turner (1986)

      Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll meet them on your way down.
      – – -Wilson Mizner

      Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
      – – -Phyllis Diller

      Blind faith in your leaders, or in anything, will get you killed.
      – – -Bruce Springsteen

      Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
      – – -George Burns

      Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
      – – -Dorothy Parker

      Buy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.
      – – -Will Rogers

      By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
      – – -George Burns

      Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don’t wear anything else on it … like lunch or dinner.
      – – -George Burns

      Drugs have nothing to do with the creation of music. In fact, drugs are dumb and self-indulgent. Kind of like sucking your thumb.
      – – -Courtney Love

      Have no fear of perfection- you’ll never reach it.
      – – -Salvador Dali

      He who slings mud generally loses ground.
      – – -Adlai Stevenson

      Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
      – – -Steve Landesberg

      Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
      – – -Phyllis Diller

      Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
      – – -Jon Winokur

      I always advise people never to give advice.
      – – -P. G. Wodehouse

      I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
      – – -Bill Maher

      I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
      – – -Adela Rogers St. John

      If a pit bull romances your leg, fake an orgasm.
      – – -Hut Landon

      If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
      – – -G. K. Chesterton

      If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . . very slowly.
      – – -Gypsy Rose Lee

      If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
      – – -Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr.

      If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
      – – -Linda Furney

      If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
      – – -Dan Quayle

      If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
      – – -Harry S Truman

      If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.
      – – -Judith Manners

      If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
      – – -George Carlin

      If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
      – – -Bobby Slayton

      If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
      – – -Rush

      If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
      – – -Bobcat Goldthwait

      If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.
      – – -Boy George

      If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
      – – -Katherine Hepburn

      If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : “I’m cheap!”
      – – -Delta Burke

      If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.
      – – -Norm Crosby

      If you’re there before it’s over, you’re on time.
      – – -James Walker

      Impropriety is the soul of wit.
      – – -W. Somerset Maugham

      It ain’t over till it’s over.
      – – -Yogi Berra

      It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
      – – -William Clinton

      It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
      – – -George Bernard Shaw

      It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
      – – -Shirley MacLaine

      Keep a diary and one day it’ll keep you.
      – – -Mae West

      Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
      – – -Groucho Marx

      Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.
      – – -Eva Gabor

      No problem is so large it cannot be run away from.
      – – -Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts)

      Nothing goes out of fashion sooner than a long dress with a very low neck.
      – – -Coco Chanel

      Often you just have to rely on your intuition.
      – – -Bill Gates, Microsoft

      Oh, grow up!
      – – -Joan Rivers

      Old age is no place for sissies.
      – – -Bette Davis

      Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.
      – – -Miss Piggy

      Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you!
      – – -Tommy Smothers

      Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger.
      – – -Abbie Hoffman

      Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them.
      – – -Coco Chanel

      Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
      – – -W. C. Fields

      Stay humble. Always answer the phone, no matter who else is in the car.
      – – -Jack Lemmon

      Success is a great deodorant.
      – – -Elizabeth Taylor

      The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
      – – -Roseanne Arnold

      The future will be better tomorrow.
      – – -Dan Quayle

      The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
      – – -Lucille Ball

      The worst crime is faking it.
      – – -Kurt Cobain

      There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
      – – -Elton John

      Time wounds all heels.
      – – -Jane Ace

      To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time.
      – – -Katherine Hepburn

      What the hell–you might be right, you might be wrong…but don’t just avoid.
      – – -Katherine Hepburn

      When your conscience says law is immoral, don’t follow it.
      – – -Jack Kevorkian

      You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jelly beans.
      – – -Ronald Reagan

      You’ve got to take the bitter with the sour.
      – – -Samuel Goldwyn

      What you shouldn’t do . . .

      Don’t carry a grudge. While you’re carrying the grudge, the other guy’s out dancing.
      – – -Buddy Hackett

      Don’t get mad. Don’t get even. Just get elected, then get even.
      – – -James Carville

      Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.
      – – -Janis Joplin

      Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity.
      – – -Nick Diamos

      Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.
      – – -Tom Stoppard

      Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
      – – -William Brighty Rands

      Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon.
      – – -Jilly Cooper

      Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store.
      – – -Miss Piggy

      Dawg ]:)

    • #3243730

      Southern “Rednecks” Look at Northern “Bluenecks”

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Bluenecks are Northerners — the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves)

      YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF…….

      Instead of referring to two or more people as “Y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women. ….

      You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.?…..

      You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.

      You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g. boiled peanuts). ….

      You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

      For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits. …

      You don’t know what a moon pie is. ….

      You’ve never had an RC Cola…..

      You’ve never, ever eaten okra — fried, boiled, or pickled. ….

      You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork…..

      You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips….

      You have no idea what a polecat is. ….

      You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog. …

      You don’t have bangs. ….

      You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. ….

      You drink either “Pop” or “Soda”-instead of “Cokes.” ….

      You’ve never eaten and don’t know how to make a tomato sandwich. …

      You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-‘n-knife show….

      You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. ….

      You don’t even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. …

      The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway. ….

      You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores….

      You have more than one professional sports team in your home state….

      You call binoculars opera glasses…..

      You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. ….

      You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)….

      You don’t know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie) ….

      You don’t have Maw-maw’s & Pawpaw’s. …

      You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. ….

      None of your fur coats are homemade……

    • #3243722

      YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING ‘MARVELOUSLY MATURE’ WHEN……….?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING ‘MARVELOUSLY MATURE’ WHEN……….?

      1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

      2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

      3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

      4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

      5. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

      6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

      7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

      8. When happy hour is a nap.

      9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

      10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

      11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

      12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

      13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

      14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

      15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

      16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

      17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

      18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

      19. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

      20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

      21. It takes twice as long – to look half as good.

      22. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.

      23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

      24. You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.

      25. You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.

      26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.

      27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

      28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

    • #3245397

      Never ask a drunk…

      by dwiebles ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A woman was at the supermarket one afternoon, and went about her usual routine. She pick up a 2L of Orange juice, 2L of 1% Milk, a carton of eggs, A head of lettuce, coffee, and a lb. of bacon. As she was unloading her purchases at the till, a drunk who had got in line behind her watched craefully. As the cashier was ringing through her purchases, the drunk grined and exclaimed, “you MUST be single”. The woman, intrigued by the mans claim, though somewhat startled, as it was true, quickly glanced over her purchases to see what may have given her away. Seeing nothin out of the ordinary, she smiled at the man and asked, “you’re absolutly right, but may I ask what gave it away?”

      The man smiled back and slurred ” Cause you ugly.”

      • #3244211

        The rest of the joke

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Never ask a drunk…

        The woman says, “you’re drunk”.
        The man says, “True but tomorrow I’ll be sober but you’ll still be ugly!”

        Dawg ]:)

        • #3244069

          Good company you keep, Dawg

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to The rest of the joke

          Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk!
          Winston Churchill: And Madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow, I’ll be sober, and you will still be ugly.

          Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your morning coffee.
          Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.

        • #3245598

          Yeah, Winnie was never at a loss for words.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Good company you keep, Dawg

          I liked the one where some woman said she’d like to have his chidren because, “Imagine if they had my looks and your brains.”
          To which Winston replied, “Madam suppose they had your brains and my looks.” :^O

          He certainly knew how to close/bring a conversation to an end.

          Dawg

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