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Friday Yuk

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Friday Yuk

heml0ck
OK Shell lets start this right :)



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
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Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Custome r: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


============== =


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK .
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


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Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?


== =============


Customer: Can't get on th e Internet..
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'


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And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
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    heml0ck

    A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

    She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"


    The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little
    girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

    "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

    The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

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    Shellbot

    way to go Heml0ck!

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    >
    >A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    >
    >An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    >neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    >As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    >the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    >"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

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    Shellbot

    From the Dog..
    8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
    5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favourite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

    From the Cat..
    Day 983 of my captivity...

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

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    DMambo

    An American, an Italian, an Irishman and an Englishman were all going mountain climbing. All the way up, they were arguing about whose country is the best and how unwaveringly patriotic each was.

    Their argument got quite heated by the time they reached a high cliff. Wanting to make a gesture proving how loyal he was to his country, the American screamed "This is for the USA" and he ran off the cliff plunging to his death.

    Not to be outdone, the Italian shouted "Viva Italia" and ran headlong off, waving the tricolore as he fell.

    The Irishman, whipped up into a frenzy of love for the Emerald Isle screamed "For Ireland!!!" and threw the Englishman off the cliff.

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    DMambo

    During a recent password audit at our company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:

    "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

    When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long, and had to include at least one capital.

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    Deadly Ernest

    it ended with BatonRouge not Sacrramento as the capital.

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    heml0ck

    Top 6 Smartass Answers

    SMARTASS ANSWER #6:
    It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

    SMARTASS ANSWER #5:
    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

    SMARTASS ANSWER #4 :
    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

    SMARTASS ANSWER #3 :
    The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    SMARTASS ANSWER #2:
    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

    SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006:
    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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    heml0ck

    -I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

    -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

    -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

    -I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

    -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

    -I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

    -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, **** in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

    -There is a great need for sarcasm font.

    -Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

    -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

    -How the **** are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

    - I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

    -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I?m trying to finish a text.

    - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

    - LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

    - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

    - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

    - Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

    - How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

    - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

    - Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

    -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

    - While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

    - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

    - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

    -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

    -I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

    - Bad decisions make good stories

    -Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

    - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

    -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

    -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

    -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

    -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

    -There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

    -I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

    - "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

    -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

    -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

    - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

    -When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

    -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

    -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

    - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

    -Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

    -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

    -I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

    -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

    -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I?d bet my *** everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

    -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the **** do I respond to that?

    -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

    -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

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    Darryl~ Moderator

    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

    Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad."

    With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

    Dear Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

    But it's not only the passion Dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I. She already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

    Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find
    a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your loving son, Jon

    PS - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tyler's house.

    My report card is in my desk drawer. Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life. Call me when it's safe to come home.

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    heml0ck

    A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

    The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

    Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

    The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

    She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".

    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

    Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

    Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry after a moment says: "Legs."

    Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets."

    Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

    Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T and is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut

    Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry : Bubblegum

    Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer; Harry: Shake hands

    Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep.

    Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent

    Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring

    Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you **** me, you feel good. Harry: Nose

    Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow

    Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: Fire truck

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

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    heml0ck

    Reason 1:
    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to ****??" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

    Reason 2:
    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

    Reason 3:
    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

    Reason 4:
    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

    Reason 5:
    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

    Reason 6:
    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty!!"

    Reason 7:
    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want - God is watching the apples."

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    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

    A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
    nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
    gloves.

    'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

    'No, I don't,' she replied.

    'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
    of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
    then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

    She didn't crack a smile.

    'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

    But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

    'What's so funny?' he asked.

    'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

    (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)


    Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!

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    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Two Hunter traffic patrol officers from Newcastle LAC were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the F3 Freeway.

    One of the Officers used a hand held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 KPH. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers where unable to reset it.

    Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched onto a Williamtown Hornet fighter which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over Wyong, approaching from the ocean.

    Back at police headquarters the Local Area Commander fired off a stiff complaint to the RAAF Liaison Officer at Williamtown.

    Back came the reply in true laconic RAAF style:-

    ?Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the Tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently looked onto, your hostile Radar Equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile onboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

    Fortunately the pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was. Quickly responded to the missile system alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

    Thank you for your enquiry.

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    HAL 9000 Moderator

    After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form called the "Gripe Sheet" which alerts mechanics to problems experienced with the aircraft. The Mechanics then correct the problems and then document the repairs on the form for the pilots to review.

    Never let it be said that QANTAS Ground Crews lack a sense of humor.

    The following are actual maintenance complaints submitted by QANTAS Pilots and the follow up responses made by the maintenance engineers.

    By the way QANTAS remains the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.


    P = Problem
    MR = Maintenance Response


    P Test flight OK but Auto Land very rough

    MR Auto Land feature is not installed on this aircraft

    P Something loose in cockpit
    MR Something tightened in cockpit

    P Auto pilot in allitude hold mode
    produces a 200 feet per minute descent
    MR Can?t reproduce this scenario on the ground

    P Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

    [MR Evidence removed

    P DME volume unbelievably loud
    MR DME volume set to a more believable level

    P Friction locks cause throttle to stick

    MR That's what Friction Locks are for

    P IFF inoperative in Off Mode
    MR IFF is always inoperative in OFF Mode

    P Suspect hairline crack in Windshield
    MR Suspect your right

    P Number 4 engine missing
    MR Engine found on right wing after a brief search

    P Aircraft handles funny
    MR Aircraft order to fly properly and be serious

    P Target Radar hums
    MR Reprogrammed Target Radar with lyrics

    P Mouse in cockpit
    MR Cat Instaleld

    P Noise from under instrument panel- sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer

    MR Hammer taken away from midget

    P Aircraft struck by lighting on finial approach, seems OK but check for electronic damage. Have to leave in 60 minutes so make it snappy.

    MR Electronics all test OK and appear in perfect working condition but Aircraft taken out of service.

    When the Mechanic was dragged up the Senior QANTAS Airport Officer and demanded to release aircraft to service he refused saying it was no longer airworthy. When the Pilot bitterly complained that there was no electrical damage to the aircraft so why was it taken out of service the mechanic responded "Because 50% of the tail is missing."

    edited cus it didn't format right.

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    heml0ck

    A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

    She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"


    The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little
    girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

    "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

    The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

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    Shellbot

    way to go Heml0ck!

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    >
    >A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    >
    >An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    >neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    >As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    >the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    >"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

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    Shellbot

    From the Dog..
    8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
    5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favourite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

    From the Cat..
    Day 983 of my captivity...

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

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    DMambo

    An American, an Italian, an Irishman and an Englishman were all going mountain climbing. All the way up, they were arguing about whose country is the best and how unwaveringly patriotic each was.

    Their argument got quite heated by the time they reached a high cliff. Wanting to make a gesture proving how loyal he was to his country, the American screamed "This is for the USA" and he ran off the cliff plunging to his death.

    Not to be outdone, the Italian shouted "Viva Italia" and ran headlong off, waving the tricolore as he fell.

    The Irishman, whipped up into a frenzy of love for the Emerald Isle screamed "For Ireland!!!" and threw the Englishman off the cliff.

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    DMambo

    During a recent password audit at our company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:

    "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

    When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long, and had to include at least one capital.

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    Deadly Ernest

    it ended with BatonRouge not Sacrramento as the capital.

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    heml0ck

    Top 6 Smartass Answers

    SMARTASS ANSWER #6:
    It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

    SMARTASS ANSWER #5:
    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

    SMARTASS ANSWER #4 :
    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

    SMARTASS ANSWER #3 :
    The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    SMARTASS ANSWER #2:
    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

    SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006:
    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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    heml0ck

    -I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

    -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

    -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

    -I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

    -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

    -I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

    -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, **** in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

    -There is a great need for sarcasm font.

    -Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

    -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

    -How the **** are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

    - I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

    -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I?m trying to finish a text.

    - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

    - LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

    - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

    - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

    - Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

    - How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

    - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

    - Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

    -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

    - While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

    - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

    - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

    -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

    -I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

    - Bad decisions make good stories

    -Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

    - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

    -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

    -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

    -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

    -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

    -There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

    -I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

    - "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

    -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

    -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

    - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

    -When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

    -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

    -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

    - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

    -Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

    -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

    -I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

    -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

    -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I?d bet my *** everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

    -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the **** do I respond to that?

    -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

    -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

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    Darryl~ Moderator

    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

    Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad."

    With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

    Dear Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

    But it's not only the passion Dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I. She already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

    Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find
    a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your loving son, Jon

    PS - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tyler's house.

    My report card is in my desk drawer. Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life. Call me when it's safe to come home.

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    heml0ck

    A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

    The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

    Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

    The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

    She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".

    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

    Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

    Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry after a moment says: "Legs."

    Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets."

    Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

    Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T and is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut

    Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry : Bubblegum

    Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer; Harry: Shake hands

    Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep.

    Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent

    Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring

    Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you **** me, you feel good. Harry: Nose

    Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow

    Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: Fire truck

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

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    heml0ck

    Reason 1:
    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to ****??" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

    Reason 2:
    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

    Reason 3:
    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

    Reason 4:
    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

    Reason 5:
    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

    Reason 6:
    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty!!"

    Reason 7:
    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want - God is watching the apples."

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    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

    A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
    nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
    gloves.

    'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

    'No, I don't,' she replied.

    'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
    of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
    then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

    She didn't crack a smile.

    'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

    But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

    'What's so funny?' he asked.

    'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

    (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)


    Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!

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    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Two Hunter traffic patrol officers from Newcastle LAC were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the F3 Freeway.

    One of the Officers used a hand held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 KPH. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers where unable to reset it.

    Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched onto a Williamtown Hornet fighter which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over Wyong, approaching from the ocean.

    Back at police headquarters the Local Area Commander fired off a stiff complaint to the RAAF Liaison Officer at Williamtown.

    Back came the reply in true laconic RAAF style:-

    ?Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the Tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently looked onto, your hostile Radar Equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile onboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

    Fortunately the pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was. Quickly responded to the missile system alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

    Thank you for your enquiry.

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    HAL 9000 Moderator

    After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form called the "Gripe Sheet" which alerts mechanics to problems experienced with the aircraft. The Mechanics then correct the problems and then document the repairs on the form for the pilots to review.

    Never let it be said that QANTAS Ground Crews lack a sense of humor.

    The following are actual maintenance complaints submitted by QANTAS Pilots and the follow up responses made by the maintenance engineers.

    By the way QANTAS remains the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.


    P = Problem
    MR = Maintenance Response


    P Test flight OK but Auto Land very rough

    MR Auto Land feature is not installed on this aircraft

    P Something loose in cockpit
    MR Something tightened in cockpit

    P Auto pilot in allitude hold mode
    produces a 200 feet per minute descent
    MR Can?t reproduce this scenario on the ground

    P Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

    [MR Evidence removed

    P DME volume unbelievably loud
    MR DME volume set to a more believable level

    P Friction locks cause throttle to stick

    MR That's what Friction Locks are for

    P IFF inoperative in Off Mode
    MR IFF is always inoperative in OFF Mode

    P Suspect hairline crack in Windshield
    MR Suspect your right

    P Number 4 engine missing
    MR Engine found on right wing after a brief search

    P Aircraft handles funny
    MR Aircraft order to fly properly and be serious

    P Target Radar hums
    MR Reprogrammed Target Radar with lyrics

    P Mouse in cockpit
    MR Cat Instaleld

    P Noise from under instrument panel- sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer

    MR Hammer taken away from midget

    P Aircraft struck by lighting on finial approach, seems OK but check for electronic damage. Have to leave in 60 minutes so make it snappy.

    MR Electronics all test OK and appear in perfect working condition but Aircraft taken out of service.

    When the Mechanic was dragged up the Senior QANTAS Airport Officer and demanded to release aircraft to service he refused saying it was no longer airworthy. When the Pilot bitterly complained that there was no electrical damage to the aircraft so why was it taken out of service the mechanic responded "Because 50% of the tail is missing."

    edited cus it didn't format right.