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Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
Ok not too much timeto come up with something good, drew ablank myself as I really don't know too many 'public' jokes.

So here's a list:
TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE
ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

Enjoy your weekend everyone!
OM

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Upset man

by Don_C In reply to Friday Yuk

Hi all. I thought this was funny

I was walking down the street one day
When I saw a man that seemed a little upset
I stop and ask him if everything?s ok
He pointed to a sign that said
Over 50,000 battered women in the United Stated
I said that?s really bad
He said yes and I?m still having mine plain

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Wow that's much better

by Oz_Media In reply to Upset man

I have heard a similar battered women joke but it wasn't only sexist, it was racist too.

Now that I've heard the PG version, perhaps I'll be able to share this one again.

Cheers!

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here it goes..

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk

A woman bursts through the front door and says "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery"!

Her husband says, "Great, should I pack for the beach or the mountains"?

"Doesn't matter", says the wife, "just get the **** out."

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LOL

by Oz_Media In reply to here it goes..

I saw that one coming and it was funny all the way!

Thanks,
have a good weekend.
OM

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saw it coming, eh?

by maecuff In reply to LOL

Okay, I will try again. A disclaimer..if you are offended by jokes sexual in nature, please do not read any further.

Little Billy's teacher called on each student in turn, asking them for a three syllable word. When she reached little Billy, he said "Mas-ter-bate".

The teacher says, "Well, Billy, that is quite a mouthful."

Little Billy says, "No, teacher, you're thinking of a **** job".

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That's better :)

by Oz_Media In reply to saw it coming, eh?
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OK here's a clean one that is printable

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

A Lawyer being driven home in his limo sees a man at the side of the road on all fours eating grass. He is horrified and tells his driver to stop immediately. He get out and asks the man why he is eating the grass stubble and the man replies ?Well I?ve been out of work so long & I?m so hungry that?s all that is left for me to eat!?

The lawyer replies This is totally unnecessary and then offers the man a lift to his home for a meal, the man then tells the lawyer that his wife and three children are over further away from the road and the lawyer says well I have a big car they can fit in and I?ll have you home within 20 minutes.

The man calls his wife and children over and tells them that this very nice man has offered to take them to his house for a meal and his wife says what about my sister her husband and 5 children?

The lawyer says well I do have a big car and while it will be a bit of a squeeze I?m sure everyone will fit in. So they all jump into the Limo and proceed towards the Lawyers home. On the way the man offers prolific thanks to the Lawyer telling him just what a kind soul he is to take so many unknown people off the side of the road and to feed them.

The Lawyer replies ?No thanks required your going to love my place as the grass is about 2 foot high!?

That's the best that I could come up with that is post able here

Col

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Corporate Lessons

by voldar In reply to Friday Yuk

Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding:
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
------------------------

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
-----------------------

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

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And ..

by voldar In reply to Friday Yuk

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put-on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

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Husband Upset About Health Food

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their
pennies; and they were both in very good health, thanks largely to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three
decades.

Unfortunately, their good health didn't help them when one day they went
on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He led
them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a
fully-stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be
seen hanging their favorite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be
your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man glanced out the window and saw a championship golf course,
finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day any
starting time you wish."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
exotic desserts, free-flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven -- it is
all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much
a s you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your Fuc*ing fat-free
bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!

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