Friday Yuk

Poor Ralph

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,

'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're schitting in the bed!'

Dawg ]

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of ****."

-Tammy :-)

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to
Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend
remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200
mph when it hit me square in the nuts."

"What does that have to do with your teeth?" asked the first.

"Well" he explained, "That was the first time in two years my
teeth didn't hurt."

Dawg ]

Golfer at the dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anythingto kill the pain.

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him your tooth."

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and
Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying,

"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for
the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an
animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new
denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they
believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,
000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic."

Dawg ]

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where you been for the past two
weeks? Nobody seen you around!"

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been inna jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and
the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!"

Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dis beach, she was a-screamin and a-
kickin and a-yellin".

Dawg ]