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Friday Yuk

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Friday Yuk

RFink
Political jokes:

1. The trouble with political jokes is sometime they get elected.

2. Of course, Kwami (Mayor of Detroit) and Christine Beatty had an affair. She was the chief of his staff.

3. A congressman and his wife are in bed when they hear the sound of silverware crashing to the floor.

Wife: "Honey, there's a thief in the house."

Congressman: "In the Senate maybe, in the house, NEVER!"


4. Hilary gets elected President and it's her first night in the White House. While she's sleeping she has a vision of George Washington standing at the base of her bed. "Mr, Washington, I'm new at this and you were a great president. Do you have any advise?"

"Never tell a lie".

"Impossible", and she does back to sleep.

An hour later Thomas Jefferson appears at her bed. "Mr. Jefferson, do you have any advise?"

"Listen the to people and give them what they want."

"Impossible" and she goes back to sleep.

Abe Lincoln appears at the base of her bed. "Mr. Lincoln, do you have any advise?"

"Yes, Hilary, buy two tickets for the theatre".
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    jdclyde

    for those tickets.....

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    neilb@uk

    A man meets a friend who has only one arm.
    Where are you going?' he asks.
    'I'm going to change a lightbulb.'
    'Won't that be difficult with just one arm?'
    'I don't think so. I've got the receipt.'

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    jdclyde

    How do you get a one armed man to fall out of a tree?

    Wave to him.

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    boxfiddler Moderator

    a man with no arms and no legs?
    Art.

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    Iam_Mordac

    a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstoop? Matt

    a man with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art

    a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob

    a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch?
    Phil

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    jck

    a man with no arms and no legs at a baseball game? first base

    a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell

    that same man with no arms and no legs in the pile of leaves 3 months later? Pete

    a man with no arms and no legs in a cage of lions? Rip

    a man with no arms and no legs trying to make coffee? Joe

    a man with no arms and no legs trying to water ski? Skip

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    lowlands

    One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

    Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

    " Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

    " Sarah Jane give it to me" Bubba replied.

    "She give it to ya?

    I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truc k?"

    "Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
    We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
    S arah Jane pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

    'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

    So I took the truck! "


    "Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

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    HoagieBP

    A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
    A man comes in and asks the farmer,
    "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

    Farmer: Some things... you just can't explain.

    Man: So what happened that was so horrible?

    Farmer: Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
    Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

    Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

    Farmer: Some things... you just can't explain.

    Man: So then what happened.


    Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
    Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
    Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

    Man: Again?

    Farmer: Some things... ya just can't explain.

    Man: So, what did you do then?

    Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

    Man: So then what did you do?

    Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her,
    and just as I got the bucket just about full,
    the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

    Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset!

    Farmer: Some things... you just can't explain.

    Man: So then what did you do?

    Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope,
    so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
    In that very moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

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    HoagieBP

    Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
    Cuz he had no guts.

    Why did the manager kick the one arm man out of the resort?
    Cuz it was for tourists only.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    No eye-deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
    Still no eye-deer.

    Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
    There were no chickens back then.

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    HoagieBP

    Did you hear about the toilets all being stolen out of the Police Station?

    Police officials say they have nothing to go on.

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    0 Votes
    DadsPad

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
    "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

    So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having *** with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

    "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

    "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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    DadsPad

    My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
    "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
    "Nothing. She's just having contractions."

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    boxfiddler Moderator

    punny.

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    neilb@uk

    Defense Attorney: What is your age?

    Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

    Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

    Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

    Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

    Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

    Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

    Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

    Defense Attorney: Why not?

    Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

    Defense Attorney: What happened next?

    Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
    Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

    Defense Attorney: Why not?

    Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

    Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

    Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

    Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

    Little Old Woman: ****, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"?.And that's when I shot the son of a *****!

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    jck

    I just laughed outloud. They might wonder here at work lol

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    Mr.Wiz

    Quips from Late Night "This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher

    "But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher

    "A 5.2 earthquake hit Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and Iowa this morning. Yeah, the shaking was so bad, small-town people were really clinging to their religion." --Jay Leno

    "Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary 'I Might Be a Redneck' Clinton, you know, she's backing off that thing. Remember about going duck hunting? She's backed off that now. Remember how she said when she was a little girl, her dad taught her how to hunt and she shot a duck? Well, apparently, that story is not sitting well with the anti-gun and pro-animal rights people in the Democratic party. So, now she said, yes, it's true she did shoot a duck, but it was only in self-defense." --Jay Leno

    "Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President **** Cheney said 'Ooh stop, you're making me hot.'" --David Letterman

    "But I didn't realize this, Hillary said that she once shot a duck, actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern." --David Letterman

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    Mr.Wiz

    More Good Advice - Military Style - "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

    - "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF

    - "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

    - "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

    - "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Reminder

    - "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." U.S. Marine Corps

    - "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF

    - "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan

    - "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

    - "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." Chuck Yeager

    - "There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." -- From an old carrier sailor as a word of warning to young pilots

    - "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." Anonymous

    - "Don't despair! When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." Old U.S. Army Air Corps saying

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    Mr.Wiz

    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

    The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

    The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

    The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose.

    The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My ***** is frozen solid.'

    The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a *****?'

    Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

    The daughter replies: 'They make one **** of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

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    TonytheTiger

    Little Amish people.

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    TonytheTiger

    Yes, Hilary, buy two tickets for the theatre

    :)

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    RFink

    Bill, after all Lincoln went to the theatre with his spouse.

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    jdclyde

    for those tickets.....

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    neilb@uk

    A man meets a friend who has only one arm.
    Where are you going?' he asks.
    'I'm going to change a lightbulb.'
    'Won't that be difficult with just one arm?'
    'I don't think so. I've got the receipt.'

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    How do you get a one armed man to fall out of a tree?

    Wave to him.

    +
    0 Votes
    boxfiddler Moderator

    a man with no arms and no legs?
    Art.

    +
    0 Votes
    Iam_Mordac

    a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstoop? Matt

    a man with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art

    a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob

    a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch?
    Phil

    +
    0 Votes
    jck

    a man with no arms and no legs at a baseball game? first base

    a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell

    that same man with no arms and no legs in the pile of leaves 3 months later? Pete

    a man with no arms and no legs in a cage of lions? Rip

    a man with no arms and no legs trying to make coffee? Joe

    a man with no arms and no legs trying to water ski? Skip

    +
    0 Votes
    lowlands

    One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

    Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

    " Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

    " Sarah Jane give it to me" Bubba replied.

    "She give it to ya?

    I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truc k?"

    "Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
    We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
    S arah Jane pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

    'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

    So I took the truck! "


    "Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

    +
    0 Votes
    HoagieBP

    A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
    A man comes in and asks the farmer,
    "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

    Farmer: Some things... you just can't explain.

    Man: So what happened that was so horrible?

    Farmer: Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
    Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

    Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

    Farmer: Some things... you just can't explain.

    Man: So then what happened.


    Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
    Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
    Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

    Man: Again?

    Farmer: Some things... ya just can't explain.

    Man: So, what did you do then?

    Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

    Man: So then what did you do?

    Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her,
    and just as I got the bucket just about full,
    the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

    Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset!

    Farmer: Some things... you just can't explain.

    Man: So then what did you do?

    Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope,
    so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
    In that very moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

    +
    0 Votes
    HoagieBP

    Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
    Cuz he had no guts.

    Why did the manager kick the one arm man out of the resort?
    Cuz it was for tourists only.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    No eye-deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
    Still no eye-deer.

    Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
    There were no chickens back then.

    +
    0 Votes
    HoagieBP

    Did you hear about the toilets all being stolen out of the Police Station?

    Police officials say they have nothing to go on.

    +
    0 Votes
    DadsPad

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
    "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

    So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having *** with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

    "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

    "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

    +
    0 Votes
    DadsPad

    My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
    "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
    "Nothing. She's just having contractions."

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    0 Votes
    boxfiddler Moderator

    punny.

    +
    0 Votes
    neilb@uk

    Defense Attorney: What is your age?

    Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

    Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

    Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

    Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

    Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

    Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

    Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

    Defense Attorney: Why not?

    Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

    Defense Attorney: What happened next?

    Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
    Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

    Defense Attorney: Why not?

    Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

    Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

    Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

    Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

    Little Old Woman: ****, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"?.And that's when I shot the son of a *****!

    +
    0 Votes
    jck

    I just laughed outloud. They might wonder here at work lol

    +
    0 Votes
    Mr.Wiz

    Quips from Late Night "This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher

    "But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher

    "A 5.2 earthquake hit Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and Iowa this morning. Yeah, the shaking was so bad, small-town people were really clinging to their religion." --Jay Leno

    "Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary 'I Might Be a Redneck' Clinton, you know, she's backing off that thing. Remember about going duck hunting? She's backed off that now. Remember how she said when she was a little girl, her dad taught her how to hunt and she shot a duck? Well, apparently, that story is not sitting well with the anti-gun and pro-animal rights people in the Democratic party. So, now she said, yes, it's true she did shoot a duck, but it was only in self-defense." --Jay Leno

    "Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President **** Cheney said 'Ooh stop, you're making me hot.'" --David Letterman

    "But I didn't realize this, Hillary said that she once shot a duck, actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern." --David Letterman

    +
    0 Votes
    Mr.Wiz

    More Good Advice - Military Style - "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

    - "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF

    - "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

    - "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

    - "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Reminder

    - "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." U.S. Marine Corps

    - "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF

    - "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan

    - "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

    - "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." Chuck Yeager

    - "There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." -- From an old carrier sailor as a word of warning to young pilots

    - "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." Anonymous

    - "Don't despair! When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." Old U.S. Army Air Corps saying

    +
    0 Votes
    Mr.Wiz

    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

    The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

    The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

    The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose.

    The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My ***** is frozen solid.'

    The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a *****?'

    Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

    The daughter replies: 'They make one **** of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

    +
    0 Votes
    TonytheTiger

    Little Amish people.

    +
    0 Votes
    TonytheTiger

    Yes, Hilary, buy two tickets for the theatre

    :)

    +
    0 Votes
    RFink

    Bill, after all Lincoln went to the theatre with his spouse.