Friday yuk - 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

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Friday yuk - 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

Well it's nearly Friday so why not???

50 Things Cool about Being a Man

1. Your *** is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work ... more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything

19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

23. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

26. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be

27. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

28. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

29. Everything on your face stays its original color

30. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

31. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

32. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is

33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking, ''He must be mad at me."

34. No maxi-pads.

35. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little

37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong friends.

38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

39. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a

40. You almost never have strap problems in public.

41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

43. You don't have to shave below your neck.

44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

46. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.

49. The world is your urinal.

50. Ten Things Men Know for Sure About Women.
10. They have t1ts.
9 Reasons Marriage Is NOT The Answer

1. ?Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?? Caboose, Red vs Blue If
she is giving you sex for free, don?t get all crazy and put her in a position to
make you pay for it...she will make you pay. Instead act like a man and pay
attention to other things, like football or shiny new technology.

2. It feels better to **** than get fucked I have a theory that there are two
types of guys in this world: guys whose wives and girlfriends cheat on them and
guys who help those very same women cheat. We all spend some time as each of
these guys during the course of our lives. Being the former means a lot of pain,
heartache, and sad drunken nights. Being the latter means you score some free
sex without relationship attachments and go about your business while some other
poor ******* gets to do all the working out of the relationship ****. Don?t be a

3. Keep your options open For some strange reason, after you get married,
spending your Saturday nights gleefully shoving oddly shaped fruit into the ****
cavities of drunken sorority sluts at keg parties tends to become out of the
question. God Dammit, that?s not cool. Men need that kind of **** to live. For
fucks sake. Unfair!

4. Forever is a long time I hate to play the religious advocate here, but let us
consider for a moment that there is indeed an afterlife. I wonder how many
marriages fail in the afterlife? I?m sure it would be a good percentage. That is
when you are faced with the numbers in real time. An actual conscience eternity
involved exclusively in a relationship with only one chick. That is a
frightening concept at the very least. Anyone who finds anything good in that is
either not thinking logically or has some evil chick staring at him intently as
he reads this and must play it cool.

5. You will have to say goodbye to your single friends The guys you go to keg
parties with, the random dudes that show up to blaze you out, the drunken group
of fools you work with? all gone. You have to go home because you have a wife.
Thinking of taking her with you? That violates man rule number fifteen, section
b, paragraph three, which clearly states in bold letters: ?You do not bring sand
to the beach, you asshole.?

6. It is a suckers bet. If you do your homework, you can actually gain a slight
advantage over the house when putting your money on some blackjack. 3 out of 5
marriages fail in the first five years. Logically, you have a better chance to
rape Vegas for a few million dollars than you do having a happy home life. Also,
broken kneecaps don?t hurt as bad as woman-venom.

7. Marriage is a communist institution All this equality regardless of
contribution stuff doesn?t sound anything like Reagan?s trickle down economics.
Even worse, in most relationships, one person controls all the finances. That
borders on dictatorship.

8. Your diet will improve Don?t even think for a second this is a good thing. A
man needs a tough stomach just in case. We need to drink a little bacon grease
every now and then. Bran and granola are for sissies and women-hybrids. Salads
are only good if they have been sitting out for three days. Single guys have the
strongest immune systems in the entire universe. Marriage is like Kryptonite to
your super immune powers. ?Does that make my fianc? Lex Luther, Zero?? Yes, it

And now, one for the chicks?

9. You?re better off without us. Seriously. The majority of us are rotten
barstards, and you?re lucky if you get one of us and not a metro sexual emo who
cries during movies and has a strange thing for small furry animals. Stay
single. The world needs single women to make bars fun.

Alert: If reading this top nine list made you so mad that you have begun to
bleed anally, please seek medical attention before proceeding to comment. Also,
the author excludes himself from any responsibility due to incidental vaginal
blocking due to build up of sand or other such mineral composites therein.
80 year old Italian man

An 80-year old Italian man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor
is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay
in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,"and that's why I'm
in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's
still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a
walk, that's why he's still alive."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandfather's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is
getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with
you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it "Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"
One for Steffi and any other blonds
A Blonde Attempts Suicide

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in
the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my
teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
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A little something to offend everyone

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
100 people who don't do ****..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh1t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

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ah Dawg..ya beat me to the Yuk! :)

ah well, i'll get it next week.
Into a meeting in 10 mins, so this will have to do for now, i'll dig up some Impure ones later on ]:)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax'. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then'

He sighed.........
Let's put all the Frosties (Frosted Flakes) back in the box.'

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I resemble that remark!


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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and *** kissing that will put you over the top.

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What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

It means you have to take it from someone else first.

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Now you know why I insist its much more fun to be a bad girl!!

Good girls say ?thanks for a wonderful dinner?? Bad girls say, ?what?s for breakfast??

Good girls wear white cotton panties? Bad girls don?t wear any.

Good girls wax their floors? Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it?s hot? Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner? Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies? Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss? Bad girls never do either, unless he?s very, very rich.

Good girls prefer the missionary position? Bad girls do too, when acting out a ?virgin? fantasy.

Good girls pack their toothbrush? Bad girls pack their birth control.

Good girls save for a rainy day? Bad girls save for a Chanel suit.

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it? Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wear high heels to work? Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls have stocks? Bad girls have stockbrokers.

Good girls just say no? Bad girls just say when.

Good girls never do ?it? on the first date? Bad girls wait to see what kind of car he?s driving.

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According to that, Stef, I'm a bad girl.

A very VERY VERY bad girl.

But I've had no complaints.

So I must be good.




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As a friend of mine says, Good girls go to heaven bad girls go everywhere!

I'd much rather go everywhere so as long as were no angels we're good at being bad, and having much more fun, then we can call ourselves good!! as long as its followed by good at being bad that is

And according to that I'm a very bad girl too!!

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"There was a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
she was very, very good,
and when she was bad,
she was better!"

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to say that to me, except she said, when she was good, she was very, very good and when she was bad, she was horrid.

Funny how one word changes the meaning. :)