Discussions

Friday yuk - 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

Tags:
+
0 Votes
Locked

Friday yuk - 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

sleepin'dawg
Well it's nearly Friday so why not???

50 Things Cool about Being a Man

1. Your *** is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work ... more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything
different?"

19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

23. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

26. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be
friends.

27. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

28. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

29. Everything on your face stays its original color

30. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

31. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

32. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming.

33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking, ''He must be mad at me."

34. No maxi-pads.

35. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.

37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong friends.

38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.


39. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.

40. You almost never have strap problems in public.

41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

43. You don't have to shave below your neck.

44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

46. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.

49. The world is your urinal.

50. Ten Things Men Know for Sure About Women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have t1ts.
*****************************************************
9 Reasons Marriage Is NOT The Answer

1. ?Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?? Caboose, Red vs Blue If
she is giving you *** for free, don?t get all crazy and put her in a position to
make you pay for it...she will make you pay. Instead act like a man and pay
attention to other things, like football or shiny new technology.

2. It feels better to **** than get fucked I have a theory that there are two
types of guys in this world: guys whose wives and girlfriends cheat on them and
guys who help those very same women cheat. We all spend some time as each of
these guys during the course of our lives. Being the former means a lot of pain,
heartache, and sad drunken nights. Being the latter means you score some free
*** without relationship attachments and go about your business while some other
poor ******* gets to do all the working out of the relationship ****. Don?t be a
fool.

3. Keep your options open For some strange reason, after you get married,
spending your Saturday nights gleefully shoving oddly shaped fruit into the ****
cavities of drunken sorority sluts at keg parties tends to become out of the
question. God Dammit, that?s not cool. Men need that kind of **** to live. For
fucks sake. Unfair!

4. Forever is a long time I hate to play the religious advocate here, but let us
consider for a moment that there is indeed an afterlife. I wonder how many
marriages fail in the afterlife? I?m sure it would be a good percentage. That is
when you are faced with the numbers in real time. An actual conscience eternity
involved exclusively in a relationship with only one chick. That is a
frightening concept at the very least. Anyone who finds anything good in that is
either not thinking logically or has some evil chick staring at him intently as
he reads this and must play it cool.

5. You will have to say goodbye to your single friends The guys you go to keg
parties with, the random dudes that show up to blaze you out, the drunken group
of fools you work with? all gone. You have to go home because you have a wife.
Thinking of taking her with you? That violates man rule number fifteen, section
b, paragraph three, which clearly states in bold letters: ?You do not bring sand
to the beach, you asshole.?

6. It is a suckers bet. If you do your homework, you can actually gain a slight
advantage over the house when putting your money on some blackjack. 3 out of 5
marriages fail in the first five years. Logically, you have a better chance to
**** Vegas for a few million dollars than you do having a happy home life. Also,
broken kneecaps don?t hurt as bad as woman-venom.

7. Marriage is a communist institution All this equality regardless of
contribution stuff doesn?t sound anything like Reagan?s trickle down economics.
Even worse, in most relationships, one person controls all the finances. That
borders on dictatorship.

8. Your diet will improve Don?t even think for a second this is a good thing. A
man needs a tough stomach just in case. We need to drink a little bacon grease
every now and then. Bran and granola are for sissies and women-hybrids. Salads
are only good if they have been sitting out for three days. Single guys have the
strongest immune systems in the entire universe. Marriage is like Kryptonite to
your super immune powers. ?Does that make my fianc? Lex Luther, Zero?? Yes, it
does.

And now, one for the chicks?

9. You?re better off without us. Seriously. The majority of us are rotten
barstards, and you?re lucky if you get one of us and not a metro sexual emo who
cries during movies and has a strange thing for small furry animals. Stay
single. The world needs single women to make bars fun.

Alert: If reading this top nine list made you so mad that you have begun to
bleed anally, please seek medical attention before proceeding to comment. Also,
the author excludes himself from any responsibility due to incidental vaginal
blocking due to build up of sand or other such mineral composites therein.
*******************************************************
80 year old Italian man

An 80-year old Italian man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor
is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay
in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,"and that's why I'm
in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's
still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a
walk, that's why he's still alive."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandfather's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is
getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with
you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it "Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"
******************************************************
One for Steffi and any other blonds
A Blonde Attempts Suicide

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your
finger?"
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in
the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my
teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
  • +
    0 Votes
    sleepin'dawg

    A little something to offend everyone

    What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    The position of the dirt bag.

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
    One US leader.

    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
    Doughnuts.

    Why is air a lot like ***?
    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

    What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
    together?
    100 people who don't do ****..

    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    What do attorneys use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    45 lbs.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
    driving.

    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
    biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"

    What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
    Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during ***?
    Mace will do that to you

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
    He walks around saying "Yo."

    Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
    Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the *** Ed class uses it.


    What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.

    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
    along with... "a recipe."

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy
    tale?
    A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale
    begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

    Why is there no Disneyland in China?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

    +
    0 Votes
    Shellbot

    ah Dawg..ya beat me to the Yuk! :)

    ah well, i'll get it next week.
    Into a meeting in 10 mins, so this will have to do for now, i'll dig up some Impure ones later on ]:)

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me.
    I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.'
    Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
    The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
    to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
    to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'

    He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax'. Let's have
    a nice cup of tea, and then'

    He sighed.........
    Let's put all the Frosties (Frosted Flakes) back in the box.'

    +
    0 Votes
    TonytheTiger

    I resemble that remark!

    :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

    What Makes 100%?

    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:

    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is

    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    and

    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is

    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is

    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-**** is

    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

    ***-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is

    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and *** kissing that will put you over the top.

    +
    0 Votes
    TonytheTiger

    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

    It means you have to take it from someone else first.

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    Now you know why I insist its much more fun to be a bad girl!!

    Good girls say ?thanks for a wonderful dinner?? Bad girls say, ?what?s for breakfast??

    Good girls wear white cotton panties? Bad girls don?t wear any.

    Good girls wax their floors? Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

    Good girls loosen a few buttons when it?s hot? Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

    Good girls make chicken for dinner? Bad girls make reservations.

    Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies? Bad girls know they could do better.

    Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss? Bad girls never do either, unless he?s very, very rich.

    Good girls prefer the missionary position? Bad girls do too, when acting out a ?virgin? fantasy.

    Good girls pack their toothbrush? Bad girls pack their birth control.

    Good girls save for a rainy day? Bad girls save for a Chanel suit.

    Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it? Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it.

    Good girls wear high heels to work? Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

    Good girls have stocks? Bad girls have stockbrokers.

    Good girls just say no? Bad girls just say when.

    Good girls never do ?it? on the first date? Bad girls wait to see what kind of car he?s driving.

    +
    0 Votes
    gadgetgirl

    According to that, Stef, I'm a bad girl.

    A very VERY VERY bad girl.

    But I've had no complaints.

    So I must be good.

    Huh?

    GG

    ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    As a friend of mine says, Good girls go to heaven bad girls go everywhere!

    I'd much rather go everywhere so as long as were no angels we're good at being bad, and having much more fun, then we can call ourselves good!! as long as its followed by good at being bad that is

    And according to that I'm a very bad girl too!!

    +
    0 Votes
    heml0ck

    "There was a little girl
    who had a little curl
    right in the middle of her forehead.
    When she was good,
    she was very, very good,
    and when she was bad,
    she was better!"

    +
    0 Votes
    maecuff

    to say that to me, except she said, when she was good, she was very, very good and when she was bad, she was horrid.

    Funny how one word changes the meaning. :)

    +
    0 Votes
    heml0ck

    until I met a girl who fit the revised poem perfectly!

    +
    0 Votes
    maecuff

    I'd have to say the alternate version applies to me now. Although, I do still have my 'horrid' moments. :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I'm actually posting jokes and not just being naughty!!

    10 Rules For Managers

    Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

    If it?s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it?s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

    Always leave without telling anyone where you?re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

    If you give me more than one job to do, don?t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

    Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

    If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

    If you don?t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

    If you have special instructions for a job, don?t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

    Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it?s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

    Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I?m not here for the money anyway.

    ---------------------------------------------

    A 70-year-old man and God

    A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor?s for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ?Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God??

    And the man says, ?Oh me and God? We?re tight. We have a real bond, he?s good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.?

    Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man?s wife and said, ?I?d like to speak to you about your husband?s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true??

    And she says, ?That idiot, he?s been peeing in the refrigerator!

    --------------------------------------------

    Here are surefire ways to know that you are a product of the 90?s?.

    At one point your TV show top 5 list consisted of Beverly Hills 90210, Saved By The Bell, Full House, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and The Simpsons.

    As you got older that list changed to Seinfeld, Friends, Party of Five, South Park and The Simpsons.

    You remember watching Blossom and Sabrina the Teenage Witch but not quite the names of the actresses that played them.

    You wanted to date Sarah Michelle Gellar, marry Jennifer Love Hewitt and have an affair with Pamela Anderson.

    You and your buddies said ?Wassssssuuup!!? for months.

    You can go on and on about how they don?t make teen movies like they used to.

    You remember ?I?ve fallen and I can?t get up?.

    You had a crush on Kathie Lee Gifford before the term MILF became mainstream.

    Your goal in life was to watch Basic Instinct, alone, in your room.

    You had a conversation with at least one buddy on which Spice Girl you?d like to nail.

    You also argued with your friends which Kelly was hotter, 90210 Kelly, Saved By The Bell Kelly, or Kelly Bundy.

    When you were home, sick from school, you watched reruns of Batman, The Brady Bunch, Who?s The Boss & Family Ties.

    You remember when 9600 baud modems were blazing fast and 56k?s were just for the rich kids.

    You had a collection of BBS numbers which allowed you to download cool DOS games for free.

    Some of these BBS? even had porn pictures.
    Speaking of porn, can you honestly say you didn?t watch scrambled *** scenes?

    You remember when cell phones and DVD players were status symbols.

    The cool kids in your school had pagers and yellow walkmans.

    The OJ Simpson verdict was read over your schools PA system and looking back on it today you don?t quite understand why.

    You took for granted the fact that you could see Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Barry Sanders play live all season (In England replace this with watching football) without having to remortgage your house

    Cobain, Tupac & Biggie were your Morrison, Hendrix and Lennon.

    At one point, you wore overalls in the city, pumped up your shoes and did the running man.

    You collected sports cards, pogs or beanie babies at some point in your life.

    You remember the simple days when the world?s biggest fear was Y2K.

    and lastly, you?re amazed at how cheap life was back in the day, you could fill up a tank under $20 and buy a house with the hopes of actually paying off your mortgage.

    Ok that last one doesnt apply to the ladies so much as to the men, as I had never had to think about which Kelly I fancied more, but I can relate to some of them!

    +
    0 Votes
    gadgetgirl

    In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

    The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

    With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

    Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

    ----------------------------------------

    (This is typical of me??)

    I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

    I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

    If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

    I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

    I am very desperate and I need your help.

    You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

    I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

    Do you have a piece of gum?

    -----------------------------------
    Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

    The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts ????.


    ---------------------------------
    Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

    The only thing he said was, "F.F."

    His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

    Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

    She responded simply, "E.F."

    He repeated, "F.F."

    She again replied, "E.F."

    "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

    Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

    --------------------------------------

    And finally, one for the boyz??


    Let me know how many of you cringe at this one?????


    Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

    The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

    The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

    The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his *****.


    Happy Friday everybody!

    GG

    +
    0 Votes
    daveo2000

    Wouldn't that poison be pretty foul tasting? That DID make me cringe!

    +
    0 Votes
    maecuff

    First, I managed to find footage of Neil and his pet on youtube. It's so sweet..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTXQnt0qOv4

    And I've teased JD for a long time about liking boys. I KNOW he likes girls. I really should be nicer to him. With that in mind, I found the perfect date for him!

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=9-2C9H8c96w

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=vrynDdFPZwI&mode=related&search=

    Notice what they are drinking, and THEN tell me who this really is.... ]:)




    gotcha! B-)

    +
    0 Votes
    maecuff

    but I got you first.

    And that's the only one that counts!

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDeQEl8qFTU&NR=1

    now we know why hubby drives when they are together? :0

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    There wasn't a single shovel shown in any of those clips though to be fair the one with the women drivers where half the car was buried in the beach needed a shovel but we all know that Mae doesn't use her Shovel for things like that.

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    But it's been ages since I've seen Coax crimping tools and even that one was way too big to use on the 50 Ohm Coax it had to be for the 75 OHM Coax used for TV's. Hardly a shovel at all but toe breaking if you drop them accidentally none the less.

    Anyway that guy was using screw together Coax plugs and not BMC plugs so what's the point? :0

    Col

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    3 hours!!

    Are you seeing how many videos you can get in in the next 3 hours before I go home??

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    The lad got hit with the back of the shovel and remained standing. Mae would never allow that to happen as she would use her shovel that way to knock him to the ground and then the sharp edge to cut off his head. :0

    While along the right lines it's no where near violent enough to be Mae just someone attempting to immediate her and doing a poor job at that.

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    First, due to the graphic nature, TPTB will not allow the actual footage to be posted on this site.

    Second, due to the graphic nature of Mae's personality, there has never been anyone to survive trying to video tape said actions.

    Just lots of decapitated people, surrounded by people with empty video cameras and ice picks protruding from their skulls......

    Mae is NICE, damnit!

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    While the footage would be very graphic it would have to be able to be shown as a Public Service Announcement!

    But the second point about Mae killing anyone who even remotely claims to have seen her in action is a really good point after all where could the video footage possibly come from if she kills all of those taking it and then steals the evidence?

    Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE!

    It's a great lie isn't it JD? :^0

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    if you say it enough, it becomes reality?

    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!

    +
    0 Votes
    Tig2

    You are BAD, JD!!!

    Bad to the theoretical BONE!

    Bad, bad, bad.

    Show tunes, anyone???

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    still get my birthday spankings? :0

    And Mae is just upset because I am much funnier than she is! B-)


    +
    0 Votes

    JD

    maecuff

    If we're talking about looks..well, then yes. You ARE funnier than me. :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
    Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
    Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
    Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

    Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
    Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
    Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
    Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

    Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
    Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
    Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
    Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

    Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
    Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
    Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
    Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

    Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
    Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
    Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
    Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

    Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
    Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
    Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
    Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

    Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
    Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
    Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
    Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

    Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
    Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
    Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting ****.
    Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

    Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
    Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
    Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
    Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

    +
    0 Votes
    dspeacock

    A plane was taking off from the Miami Airport . After it reached a
    comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
    intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
    to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Miami to New York . The weather
    ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
    flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
    Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
    intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
    earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
    spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
    pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
    back of mine!"

    __________________________________________

    A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
    Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Government officials sent to
    interview him.
    "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
    for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
    You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
    The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all
    these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"
    The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

    "When white man found this land, Indians were running it."
    "No taxes."
    "No debt."

    "Plenty buffalo."
    "Plenty beaver."

    "Women did all the work."
    "Medicine man free."

    "Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
    "All night having ***."

    Then Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think
    he could improve system like that."

    _________________________________________

    +
    0 Votes
    heml0ck

    An old Indian was standing on the corner. A good-looking woman passed by, on the way to work. The Indian raised his hand in greeting, and said, ?Chance!?

    The same thing happened several days in a row. The woman would walk past, the Indian would raise his hand, and say, ?Chance!?

    Finally, one day, she couldn?t ignore it any longer. So she stopped, and asked, ?You?re an Indian, aren?t you??

    He nodded.

    She said, ?I always thought Indians said, ?How!? as a greeting.?

    Indian said, ?Already know ?how?. Just want ?chance?.?

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    That didnt work for me it told me I'm only one year old!!

    +
    0 Votes
    heml0ck

    maybe you were born on a leap year?

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    From Shelly Again?

    No wonder you made a mistake.

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Tig2

    With Maths?

    Try again and be honest about your chocolate habit!

    Have a good weekend, dear.
    :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I done the 8 one that was the example there, I havent had my birthday yet and was born in 1985, see it makes me 1 year old!!

    +
    0 Votes
    Tig2

    Your result is 821. The LAST TWO DIGITS are your age, the first the number of times you eat chocolate!!!

    Have you not made that trip to the chemist so that you can go redhead and scare Col? A girl should have her priorities!

    P.S. Yes, I did the maths.

    You're welcome.

    :)

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    And something to be pitied not be scared of. :0

    Steffi's is showing just how Blonde she actually is but forgive her because she took a Shellbot course in Maths so she never stood a chance. :^0

    Just refuse to allow her near a map to give directions or a GPS to follow directions as she will be like the German woman who when told to turn right now by the GPS didn't wait for the street that was coming up but turned into a building site drove up a flight of stairs and crashed through the Toilet Block because the machine had told her to turn now.

    But just to drive Poor Blonde Steffi Over The Edge a man is standing in a park looking at a picture of someone and says Brothers & Sisters Have I none yet this mans Father is my Fathers Son. Now who was in the picture that he was looking at?

    Go for it Steffi I'll let you have a week to attempt to work it out. :0

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    He was looking at a picture of himself right??

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Last chance to change your mind and come up with a different answer if you are at all uncertain. After all unless you are 380% certain I don't want you to think that you are nothing more than a Foolish Blonde! :0

    So One Last Chance to Change Your Mind Before the Hammer Falls. :^0

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I'm pretty sure!!

    At least I think I am! Well I'm not changin my answer anyway! Final answer, a picture of himself.

    Go on, tell me, keep me out of my suspenders! I mean suspence I always get them two muddled up

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Yep I thought so the audience is giving you one more chance so you can Phone a Friend or E-Mail a Peer and ask for help if required no one in the audience seems to think that you are correct either so they are demanding one more chance and allowing you those extra options just to make your decision a bit easier for you. There where mutterings something about Failed Football Hooligan as well but I'll let that one pass me by. :^0

    Mainly because I don't quite understand the Liverwort accent so they may have been saying something completely different.

    You have the entire week to think of the correct answer and I'll accept your finial answer on Thursday where you'll be marked on just how Blonde you actually are.

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I know I'm right, but if you are prepared to make me wait until Thursday thats fine! I know my answer is right, it just has to be I've heard this question loads of times before and he was always looking at a picture of himself!

    And theres nothing wrong with the scouse accent its a lovely accent, just like all northern accents, like geordie too

    +
    0 Votes
    daveo2000

    Or.... not?

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    It's his son!!

    (And thanks you know who you are )

    But that thanks wasn't because I got any help I done it all by myself I promise

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    WOO no page not found errors what's happening?

    Steffi just to put you out of your misery and have a clear head while you are flying to AU for your operations the answer to the above question is He's holding a Picture of his mother's Son!

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I got the answer of 101!

    And I used a calculator and everything!!

    +
    0 Votes
    w2ktechman

    used a Calculator and everything!!! Cannot even figure it out in your head! Ok, so a calc was used, no biggie. But even then you cannot use a calc properly!!! Oh My! Those roots have you trapped.... :^0
    Ok, maybe I am being a bit harsh, and I really do not want the 'revenge of the impure squad' for this post, so I shall tone it down a bit.

    From now on, before doing any kind of math on your own, please consult with someone on how math works. This does not mean Shellbot, this means someone who understands the concept of numbers and basic addition/subtraction/division/multiplication.
    If it is something that requires advanced math knowledge, please HIRE A PRO to do the math for you.... :)

    +
    0 Votes
    daveo2000

    It might make a difference. :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    as 101 in binary is 6, thats not much closer to the 821 that I should of got is it?

    +
    0 Votes
    w2ktechman

    That makes me much worse than I thought!

  • +
    0 Votes
    sleepin'dawg

    A little something to offend everyone

    What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    The position of the dirt bag.

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
    One US leader.

    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
    Doughnuts.

    Why is air a lot like ***?
    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

    What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
    together?
    100 people who don't do ****..

    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    What do attorneys use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    45 lbs.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
    driving.

    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
    biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"

    What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
    Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during ***?
    Mace will do that to you

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
    He walks around saying "Yo."

    Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
    Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the *** Ed class uses it.


    What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.

    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
    along with... "a recipe."

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy
    tale?
    A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale
    begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

    Why is there no Disneyland in China?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

    +
    0 Votes
    Shellbot

    ah Dawg..ya beat me to the Yuk! :)

    ah well, i'll get it next week.
    Into a meeting in 10 mins, so this will have to do for now, i'll dig up some Impure ones later on ]:)

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me.
    I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.'
    Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
    The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
    to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
    to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'

    He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax'. Let's have
    a nice cup of tea, and then'

    He sighed.........
    Let's put all the Frosties (Frosted Flakes) back in the box.'

    +
    0 Votes
    TonytheTiger

    I resemble that remark!

    :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

    What Makes 100%?

    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:

    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is

    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    and

    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is

    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is

    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-**** is

    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

    ***-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is

    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and *** kissing that will put you over the top.

    +
    0 Votes
    TonytheTiger

    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

    It means you have to take it from someone else first.

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    Now you know why I insist its much more fun to be a bad girl!!

    Good girls say ?thanks for a wonderful dinner?? Bad girls say, ?what?s for breakfast??

    Good girls wear white cotton panties? Bad girls don?t wear any.

    Good girls wax their floors? Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

    Good girls loosen a few buttons when it?s hot? Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

    Good girls make chicken for dinner? Bad girls make reservations.

    Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies? Bad girls know they could do better.

    Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss? Bad girls never do either, unless he?s very, very rich.

    Good girls prefer the missionary position? Bad girls do too, when acting out a ?virgin? fantasy.

    Good girls pack their toothbrush? Bad girls pack their birth control.

    Good girls save for a rainy day? Bad girls save for a Chanel suit.

    Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it? Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it.

    Good girls wear high heels to work? Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

    Good girls have stocks? Bad girls have stockbrokers.

    Good girls just say no? Bad girls just say when.

    Good girls never do ?it? on the first date? Bad girls wait to see what kind of car he?s driving.

    +
    0 Votes
    gadgetgirl

    According to that, Stef, I'm a bad girl.

    A very VERY VERY bad girl.

    But I've had no complaints.

    So I must be good.

    Huh?

    GG

    ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    As a friend of mine says, Good girls go to heaven bad girls go everywhere!

    I'd much rather go everywhere so as long as were no angels we're good at being bad, and having much more fun, then we can call ourselves good!! as long as its followed by good at being bad that is

    And according to that I'm a very bad girl too!!

    +
    0 Votes
    heml0ck

    "There was a little girl
    who had a little curl
    right in the middle of her forehead.
    When she was good,
    she was very, very good,
    and when she was bad,
    she was better!"

    +
    0 Votes
    maecuff

    to say that to me, except she said, when she was good, she was very, very good and when she was bad, she was horrid.

    Funny how one word changes the meaning. :)

    +
    0 Votes
    heml0ck

    until I met a girl who fit the revised poem perfectly!

    +
    0 Votes
    maecuff

    I'd have to say the alternate version applies to me now. Although, I do still have my 'horrid' moments. :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I'm actually posting jokes and not just being naughty!!

    10 Rules For Managers

    Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

    If it?s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it?s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

    Always leave without telling anyone where you?re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

    If you give me more than one job to do, don?t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

    Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

    If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

    If you don?t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

    If you have special instructions for a job, don?t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

    Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it?s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

    Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I?m not here for the money anyway.

    ---------------------------------------------

    A 70-year-old man and God

    A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor?s for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ?Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God??

    And the man says, ?Oh me and God? We?re tight. We have a real bond, he?s good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.?

    Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man?s wife and said, ?I?d like to speak to you about your husband?s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true??

    And she says, ?That idiot, he?s been peeing in the refrigerator!

    --------------------------------------------

    Here are surefire ways to know that you are a product of the 90?s?.

    At one point your TV show top 5 list consisted of Beverly Hills 90210, Saved By The Bell, Full House, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and The Simpsons.

    As you got older that list changed to Seinfeld, Friends, Party of Five, South Park and The Simpsons.

    You remember watching Blossom and Sabrina the Teenage Witch but not quite the names of the actresses that played them.

    You wanted to date Sarah Michelle Gellar, marry Jennifer Love Hewitt and have an affair with Pamela Anderson.

    You and your buddies said ?Wassssssuuup!!? for months.

    You can go on and on about how they don?t make teen movies like they used to.

    You remember ?I?ve fallen and I can?t get up?.

    You had a crush on Kathie Lee Gifford before the term MILF became mainstream.

    Your goal in life was to watch Basic Instinct, alone, in your room.

    You had a conversation with at least one buddy on which Spice Girl you?d like to nail.

    You also argued with your friends which Kelly was hotter, 90210 Kelly, Saved By The Bell Kelly, or Kelly Bundy.

    When you were home, sick from school, you watched reruns of Batman, The Brady Bunch, Who?s The Boss & Family Ties.

    You remember when 9600 baud modems were blazing fast and 56k?s were just for the rich kids.

    You had a collection of BBS numbers which allowed you to download cool DOS games for free.

    Some of these BBS? even had porn pictures.
    Speaking of porn, can you honestly say you didn?t watch scrambled *** scenes?

    You remember when cell phones and DVD players were status symbols.

    The cool kids in your school had pagers and yellow walkmans.

    The OJ Simpson verdict was read over your schools PA system and looking back on it today you don?t quite understand why.

    You took for granted the fact that you could see Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Barry Sanders play live all season (In England replace this with watching football) without having to remortgage your house

    Cobain, Tupac & Biggie were your Morrison, Hendrix and Lennon.

    At one point, you wore overalls in the city, pumped up your shoes and did the running man.

    You collected sports cards, pogs or beanie babies at some point in your life.

    You remember the simple days when the world?s biggest fear was Y2K.

    and lastly, you?re amazed at how cheap life was back in the day, you could fill up a tank under $20 and buy a house with the hopes of actually paying off your mortgage.

    Ok that last one doesnt apply to the ladies so much as to the men, as I had never had to think about which Kelly I fancied more, but I can relate to some of them!

    +
    0 Votes
    gadgetgirl

    In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

    The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

    With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

    Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

    ----------------------------------------

    (This is typical of me??)

    I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

    I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

    If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

    I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

    I am very desperate and I need your help.

    You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

    I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

    Do you have a piece of gum?

    -----------------------------------
    Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

    The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts ????.


    ---------------------------------
    Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

    The only thing he said was, "F.F."

    His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

    Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

    She responded simply, "E.F."

    He repeated, "F.F."

    She again replied, "E.F."

    "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

    Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

    --------------------------------------

    And finally, one for the boyz??


    Let me know how many of you cringe at this one?????


    Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

    The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

    The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

    The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his *****.


    Happy Friday everybody!

    GG

    +
    0 Votes
    daveo2000

    Wouldn't that poison be pretty foul tasting? That DID make me cringe!

    +
    0 Votes
    maecuff

    First, I managed to find footage of Neil and his pet on youtube. It's so sweet..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTXQnt0qOv4

    And I've teased JD for a long time about liking boys. I KNOW he likes girls. I really should be nicer to him. With that in mind, I found the perfect date for him!

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=9-2C9H8c96w

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=vrynDdFPZwI&mode=related&search=

    Notice what they are drinking, and THEN tell me who this really is.... ]:)




    gotcha! B-)

    +
    0 Votes
    maecuff

    but I got you first.

    And that's the only one that counts!

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDeQEl8qFTU&NR=1

    now we know why hubby drives when they are together? :0

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    There wasn't a single shovel shown in any of those clips though to be fair the one with the women drivers where half the car was buried in the beach needed a shovel but we all know that Mae doesn't use her Shovel for things like that.

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    But it's been ages since I've seen Coax crimping tools and even that one was way too big to use on the 50 Ohm Coax it had to be for the 75 OHM Coax used for TV's. Hardly a shovel at all but toe breaking if you drop them accidentally none the less.

    Anyway that guy was using screw together Coax plugs and not BMC plugs so what's the point? :0

    Col

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    3 hours!!

    Are you seeing how many videos you can get in in the next 3 hours before I go home??

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    The lad got hit with the back of the shovel and remained standing. Mae would never allow that to happen as she would use her shovel that way to knock him to the ground and then the sharp edge to cut off his head. :0

    While along the right lines it's no where near violent enough to be Mae just someone attempting to immediate her and doing a poor job at that.

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    First, due to the graphic nature, TPTB will not allow the actual footage to be posted on this site.

    Second, due to the graphic nature of Mae's personality, there has never been anyone to survive trying to video tape said actions.

    Just lots of decapitated people, surrounded by people with empty video cameras and ice picks protruding from their skulls......

    Mae is NICE, damnit!

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    While the footage would be very graphic it would have to be able to be shown as a Public Service Announcement!

    But the second point about Mae killing anyone who even remotely claims to have seen her in action is a really good point after all where could the video footage possibly come from if she kills all of those taking it and then steals the evidence?

    Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE!

    It's a great lie isn't it JD? :^0

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    if you say it enough, it becomes reality?

    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!
    Mae is nice DAMMIT!

    +
    0 Votes
    Tig2

    You are BAD, JD!!!

    Bad to the theoretical BONE!

    Bad, bad, bad.

    Show tunes, anyone???

    +
    0 Votes
    jdclyde

    still get my birthday spankings? :0

    And Mae is just upset because I am much funnier than she is! B-)


    +
    0 Votes

    JD

    maecuff

    If we're talking about looks..well, then yes. You ARE funnier than me. :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
    Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
    Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
    Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

    Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
    Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
    Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
    Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

    Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
    Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
    Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
    Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

    Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
    Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
    Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
    Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

    Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
    Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
    Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
    Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

    Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
    Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
    Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
    Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

    Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
    Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
    Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
    Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

    Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
    Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
    Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting ****.
    Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

    Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
    Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
    Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
    Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

    +
    0 Votes
    dspeacock

    A plane was taking off from the Miami Airport . After it reached a
    comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
    intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
    to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Miami to New York . The weather
    ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
    flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
    Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
    intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
    earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
    spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
    pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
    back of mine!"

    __________________________________________

    A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
    Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Government officials sent to
    interview him.
    "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
    for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
    You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
    The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all
    these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"
    The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

    "When white man found this land, Indians were running it."
    "No taxes."
    "No debt."

    "Plenty buffalo."
    "Plenty beaver."

    "Women did all the work."
    "Medicine man free."

    "Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
    "All night having ***."

    Then Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think
    he could improve system like that."

    _________________________________________

    +
    0 Votes
    heml0ck

    An old Indian was standing on the corner. A good-looking woman passed by, on the way to work. The Indian raised his hand in greeting, and said, ?Chance!?

    The same thing happened several days in a row. The woman would walk past, the Indian would raise his hand, and say, ?Chance!?

    Finally, one day, she couldn?t ignore it any longer. So she stopped, and asked, ?You?re an Indian, aren?t you??

    He nodded.

    She said, ?I always thought Indians said, ?How!? as a greeting.?

    Indian said, ?Already know ?how?. Just want ?chance?.?

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    That didnt work for me it told me I'm only one year old!!

    +
    0 Votes
    heml0ck

    maybe you were born on a leap year?

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    From Shelly Again?

    No wonder you made a mistake.

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Tig2

    With Maths?

    Try again and be honest about your chocolate habit!

    Have a good weekend, dear.
    :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I done the 8 one that was the example there, I havent had my birthday yet and was born in 1985, see it makes me 1 year old!!

    +
    0 Votes
    Tig2

    Your result is 821. The LAST TWO DIGITS are your age, the first the number of times you eat chocolate!!!

    Have you not made that trip to the chemist so that you can go redhead and scare Col? A girl should have her priorities!

    P.S. Yes, I did the maths.

    You're welcome.

    :)

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    And something to be pitied not be scared of. :0

    Steffi's is showing just how Blonde she actually is but forgive her because she took a Shellbot course in Maths so she never stood a chance. :^0

    Just refuse to allow her near a map to give directions or a GPS to follow directions as she will be like the German woman who when told to turn right now by the GPS didn't wait for the street that was coming up but turned into a building site drove up a flight of stairs and crashed through the Toilet Block because the machine had told her to turn now.

    But just to drive Poor Blonde Steffi Over The Edge a man is standing in a park looking at a picture of someone and says Brothers & Sisters Have I none yet this mans Father is my Fathers Son. Now who was in the picture that he was looking at?

    Go for it Steffi I'll let you have a week to attempt to work it out. :0

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    He was looking at a picture of himself right??

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Last chance to change your mind and come up with a different answer if you are at all uncertain. After all unless you are 380% certain I don't want you to think that you are nothing more than a Foolish Blonde! :0

    So One Last Chance to Change Your Mind Before the Hammer Falls. :^0

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I'm pretty sure!!

    At least I think I am! Well I'm not changin my answer anyway! Final answer, a picture of himself.

    Go on, tell me, keep me out of my suspenders! I mean suspence I always get them two muddled up

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Yep I thought so the audience is giving you one more chance so you can Phone a Friend or E-Mail a Peer and ask for help if required no one in the audience seems to think that you are correct either so they are demanding one more chance and allowing you those extra options just to make your decision a bit easier for you. There where mutterings something about Failed Football Hooligan as well but I'll let that one pass me by. :^0

    Mainly because I don't quite understand the Liverwort accent so they may have been saying something completely different.

    You have the entire week to think of the correct answer and I'll accept your finial answer on Thursday where you'll be marked on just how Blonde you actually are.

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I know I'm right, but if you are prepared to make me wait until Thursday thats fine! I know my answer is right, it just has to be I've heard this question loads of times before and he was always looking at a picture of himself!

    And theres nothing wrong with the scouse accent its a lovely accent, just like all northern accents, like geordie too

    +
    0 Votes
    daveo2000

    Or.... not?

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    It's his son!!

    (And thanks you know who you are )

    But that thanks wasn't because I got any help I done it all by myself I promise

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    WOO no page not found errors what's happening?

    Steffi just to put you out of your misery and have a clear head while you are flying to AU for your operations the answer to the above question is He's holding a Picture of his mother's Son!

    Col ]:)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    I got the answer of 101!

    And I used a calculator and everything!!

    +
    0 Votes
    w2ktechman

    used a Calculator and everything!!! Cannot even figure it out in your head! Ok, so a calc was used, no biggie. But even then you cannot use a calc properly!!! Oh My! Those roots have you trapped.... :^0
    Ok, maybe I am being a bit harsh, and I really do not want the 'revenge of the impure squad' for this post, so I shall tone it down a bit.

    From now on, before doing any kind of math on your own, please consult with someone on how math works. This does not mean Shellbot, this means someone who understands the concept of numbers and basic addition/subtraction/division/multiplication.
    If it is something that requires advanced math knowledge, please HIRE A PRO to do the math for you.... :)

    +
    0 Votes
    daveo2000

    It might make a difference. :)

    +
    0 Votes
    Steffi28

    as 101 in binary is 6, thats not much closer to the 821 that I should of got is it?

    +
    0 Votes
    w2ktechman

    That makes me much worse than I thought!