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  • #2250598

    Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

    Locked

    by sleepin’dawg ·

    Well it’s nearly Friday so why not???

    [b]50 Things Cool about Being a Man[/b]

    1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

    2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

    3. Your last name stays put.

    4. The garage is all yours.

    5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

    6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

    7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

    8. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.

    9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

    10. Same work … more pay.

    11. Wrinkles add character.

    12. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
    adjustments.

    13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

    14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

    15. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

    16. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

    17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

    18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, “So, notice anything
    different?”

    19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

    20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

    21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

    22. You can open all your own jars.

    23. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

    24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

    25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

    26. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be
    friends.

    27. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

    28. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

    29. Everything on your face stays its original color

    30. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

    31. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

    32. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
    coming.

    33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
    ever thinking, ”He must be mad at me.”

    34. No maxi-pads.

    35. You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.

    36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
    gift.

    37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
    just might become lifelong friends.

    38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

    39. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
    bolt.

    40. You almost never have strap problems in public.

    41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

    42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

    43. You don’t have to shave below your neck.

    44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

    45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

    46. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.

    47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

    48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
    December 24th, in minutes.

    49. The world is your urinal.

    50. Ten Things Men Know for Sure About Women.
    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    5.
    6.
    7.
    8.
    9.
    10. They have t1ts.
    *****************************************************
    [b]9 Reasons Marriage Is NOT The Answer[/b]

    1. ?Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?? Caboose, Red vs Blue If
    she is giving you sex for free, don?t get all crazy and put her in a position to
    make you pay for it…she will make you pay. Instead act like a man and pay
    attention to other things, like football or shiny new technology.

    2. It feels better to fuck than get fucked I have a theory that there are two
    types of guys in this world: guys whose wives and girlfriends cheat on them and
    guys who help those very same women cheat. We all spend some time as each of
    these guys during the course of our lives. Being the former means a lot of pain,
    heartache, and sad drunken nights. Being the latter means you score some free
    sex without relationship attachments and go about your business while some other
    poor bastard gets to do all the working out of the relationship shit. Don?t be a
    fool.

    3. Keep your options open For some strange reason, after you get married,
    spending your Saturday nights gleefully shoving oddly shaped fruit into the anal
    cavities of drunken sorority sluts at keg parties tends to become out of the
    question. God Dammit, that?s not cool. Men need that kind of shit to live. For
    fucks sake. Unfair!

    4. Forever is a long time I hate to play the religious advocate here, but let us
    consider for a moment that there is indeed an afterlife. I wonder how many
    marriages fail in the afterlife? I?m sure it would be a good percentage. That is
    when you are faced with the numbers in real time. An actual conscience eternity
    involved exclusively in a relationship with only one chick. That is a
    frightening concept at the very least. Anyone who finds anything good in that is
    either not thinking logically or has some evil chick staring at him intently as
    he reads this and must play it cool.

    5. You will have to say goodbye to your single friends The guys you go to keg
    parties with, the random dudes that show up to blaze you out, the drunken group
    of fools you work with? all gone. You have to go home because you have a wife.
    Thinking of taking her with you? That violates man rule number fifteen, section
    b, paragraph three, which clearly states in bold letters: ?You do not bring sand
    to the beach, you asshole.?

    6. It is a suckers bet. If you do your homework, you can actually gain a slight
    advantage over the house when putting your money on some blackjack. 3 out of 5
    marriages fail in the first five years. Logically, you have a better chance to
    rape Vegas for a few million dollars than you do having a happy home life. Also,
    broken kneecaps don?t hurt as bad as woman-venom.

    7. Marriage is a communist institution All this equality regardless of
    contribution stuff doesn?t sound anything like Reagan?s trickle down economics.
    Even worse, in most relationships, one person controls all the finances. That
    borders on dictatorship.

    8. Your diet will improve Don?t even think for a second this is a good thing. A
    man needs a tough stomach just in case. We need to drink a little bacon grease
    every now and then. Bran and granola are for sissies and women-hybrids. Salads
    are only good if they have been sitting out for three days. Single guys have the
    strongest immune systems in the entire universe. Marriage is like Kryptonite to
    your super immune powers. ?Does that make my fianc? Lex Luther, Zero?? Yes, it
    does.

    And now, one for the chicks?

    9. You?re better off without us. Seriously. The majority of us are rotten
    barstards, and you?re lucky if you get one of us and not a metro sexual emo who
    cries during movies and has a strange thing for small furry animals. Stay
    single. The world needs single women to make bars fun.

    Alert: If reading this top nine list made you so mad that you have begun to
    bleed anally, please seek medical attention before proceeding to comment. Also,
    the author excludes himself from any responsibility due to incidental vaginal
    blocking due to build up of sand or other such mineral composites therein.
    *******************************************************
    [b] 80 year old Italian man[/b]

    An 80-year old Italian man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor
    is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay
    in such great physical condition?”

    I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,”and that’s why I’m
    in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and
    down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”

    “Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be
    more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”

    “Who said my Dad’s dead?”

    The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s
    still alive. How old is he?”

    “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed
    with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a
    walk, that’s why he’s still alive.”

    “Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to
    it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?”

    “Who said my grandfather’s dead?”

    Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your
    grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”

    “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is
    getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with
    you this morning too?”

    “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”

    At this point the doctor is close to losing it “Getting married!!
    Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”

    “Who said he wanted to?”
    ******************************************************
    [b][i]One for Steffi and any other blonds[/i][/b]
    [b]A Blonde Attempts Suicide[/b]

    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
    index finger shot off.
    “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
    “Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

    “What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your
    finger?”
    “No, Silly” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
    thought, ‘I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in
    the chest.”
    “So then?” asked the doctor.
    “Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, “I just paid $3,000.00 to get my
    teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
    “So then?”
    “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: “This is going to make a loud
    noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #2581181

      A little something to offend everyone

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      A little something to offend everyone

      What is a Yankee?
      The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

      What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
      The position of the dirt bag.

      Why is divorce so expensive?
      Because it’s worth it.

      What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
      One US leader.

      What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
      Doughnuts.

      Why is air a lot like sex?
      Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

      What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
      together?
      100 people who don’t do dick..

      What do you call a smart blonde?
      A golden retriever.

      What do attorneys use for birth control?
      Their personalities.

      What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
      45 lbs.

      What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
      45 minutes.

      What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
      The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
      driving.

      A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
      biggest boobs?
      The blonde, because she’s 18.

      What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
      A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

      What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
      “Are you sure it’s mine?”

      What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
      Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

      Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
      Mace will do that to you

      Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
      Breasts don’t have eyes.

      Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
      He walks around saying “Yo.”

      Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
      Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
      Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

      What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
      “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

      Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
      A different bar

      What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
      A speech impediment.

      What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
      They’re hiring.

      What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
      A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
      along with… “a recipe.”

      How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F… word?
      Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

      What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy
      tale?
      A Northern fairy tale begins “Once upon a time…A southern fairy tale
      begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh1t…”

      Why is there no Disneyland in China?
      No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides

    • #2581155

      blonde..

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      ah Dawg..ya beat me to the Yuk! 🙂

      ah well, i’ll get it next week.
      Into a meeting in 10 mins, so this will have to do for now, i’ll dig up some Impure ones later on ]:)

      A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ‘Please come over here and help me.
      I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.’
      Her boyfriend asks, ‘What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?’
      The blonde says, ‘According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.’

      Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
      He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
      to her and says, ‘First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going
      to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.’

      He takes her hand and says, ‘Second, I want you to relax’. Let’s have
      a nice cup of tea, and then’

      He sighed………
      Let’s put all the Frosties (Frosted Flakes) back in the box.’

    • #2581153

      Maths!

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

      What Makes 100%?

      What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

      Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

      If:

      A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

      1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

      Then:

      H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is

      8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

      and

      K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is

      11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

      But,

      A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is

      1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

      And,

      B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is

      2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

      AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

      A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is

      1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

      So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullsh*t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

      • #2580979

        The real answer isn’t funny.

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Maths!

        [i]What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?[/i]

        It means you have to take it from someone else first.

    • #2581149

      Good Girls Vs Bad Girls

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      Now you know why I insist its much more fun to be a bad girl!!

      Good girls say ?thanks for a wonderful dinner?? Bad girls say, ?what?s for breakfast??

      Good girls wear white cotton panties? Bad girls don?t wear any.

      Good girls wax their floors? Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

      Good girls loosen a few buttons when it?s hot? Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

      Good girls make chicken for dinner? Bad girls make reservations.

      Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies? Bad girls know they could do better.

      Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss? Bad girls never do either, unless he?s very, very rich.

      Good girls prefer the missionary position? Bad girls do too, when acting out a ?virgin? fantasy.

      Good girls pack their toothbrush? Bad girls pack their birth control.

      Good girls save for a rainy day? Bad girls save for a Chanel suit.

      Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it? Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it.

      Good girls wear high heels to work? Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

      Good girls have stocks? Bad girls have stockbrokers.

      Good girls just say no? Bad girls just say when.

      Good girls never do ?it? on the first date? Bad girls wait to see what kind of car he?s driving.

      • #2581135

        Now, you see, there’s a conundrum…..

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to Good Girls Vs Bad Girls

        According to that, Stef, I’m a bad girl.

        A very VERY [B]VERY [/B] bad girl.

        But I’ve had no complaints.

        So I must be good.

        Huh?

        GG

        ]:)

        • #2581128

          GG It’s good to be bad

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Now, you see, there’s a conundrum…..

          As a friend of mine says, Good girls go to heaven bad girls go everywhere!

          I’d much rather go everywhere so as long as were no angels we’re good at being bad, and having much more fun, then we can call ourselves good!! as long as its followed by good at being bad that is 😉

          And according to that I’m a very bad girl too!!

        • #2581076

          it’s good to be bad….

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to GG It’s good to be bad

          “There was a little girl
          who had a little curl
          right in the middle of her forehead.
          When she was good,
          she was very, very good,
          and when she was bad,
          she was better!”

        • #2581062

          My mother used

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to it’s good to be bad….

          to say that to me, except she said, when she was good, she was very, very good and when she was bad, she was horrid.

          Funny how one word changes the meaning. 🙂

        • #2581056

          my mum too…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to My mother used

          until I met a girl who fit the revised poem perfectly!

        • #2581055

          It does tend to change over the years

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to my mum too…

          I’d have to say the alternate version applies to me now. Although, I do still have my ‘horrid’ moments. 🙂

    • #2581131

      oooh I’m on a roll!!

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      I’m actually posting jokes and not just being naughty!!

      10 Rules For Managers

      Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

      If it?s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it?s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

      Always leave without telling anyone where you?re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

      If you give me more than one job to do, don?t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

      Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

      If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

      If you don?t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

      If you have special instructions for a job, don?t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

      Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it?s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

      Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I?m not here for the money anyway.

      ———————————————

      A 70-year-old man and God

      A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor?s for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ?Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God??

      And the man says, ?Oh me and God? We?re tight. We have a real bond, he?s good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.?

      Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man?s wife and said, ?I?d like to speak to you about your husband?s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true??

      And she says, ?That idiot, he?s been peeing in the refrigerator!

      ——————————————–

      Here are surefire ways to know that you are a product of the 90?s?.

      At one point your TV show top 5 list consisted of Beverly Hills 90210, Saved By The Bell, Full House, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and The Simpsons.

      As you got older that list changed to Seinfeld, Friends, Party of Five, South Park and The Simpsons.

      You remember watching Blossom and Sabrina the Teenage Witch but not quite the names of the actresses that played them.

      You wanted to date Sarah Michelle Gellar, marry Jennifer Love Hewitt and have an affair with Pamela Anderson.

      You and your buddies said ?Wassssssuuup!!? for months.

      You can go on and on about how they don?t make teen movies like they used to.

      You remember ?I?ve fallen and I can?t get up?.

      You had a crush on Kathie Lee Gifford before the term MILF became mainstream.

      Your goal in life was to watch Basic Instinct, alone, in your room.

      You had a conversation with at least one buddy on which Spice Girl you?d like to nail.

      You also argued with your friends which Kelly was hotter, 90210 Kelly, Saved By The Bell Kelly, or Kelly Bundy.

      When you were home, sick from school, you watched reruns of Batman, The Brady Bunch, Who?s The Boss & Family Ties.

      You remember when 9600 baud modems were blazing fast and 56k?s were just for the rich kids.

      You had a collection of BBS numbers which allowed you to download cool DOS games for free.

      Some of these BBS? even had porn pictures.
      Speaking of porn, can you honestly say you didn?t watch scrambled sex scenes?

      You remember when cell phones and DVD players were status symbols.

      The cool kids in your school had pagers and yellow walkmans.

      The OJ Simpson verdict was read over your schools PA system and looking back on it today you don?t quite understand why.

      You took for granted the fact that you could see Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Barry Sanders play live all season (In England replace this with watching football) without having to remortgage your house

      Cobain, Tupac & Biggie were your Morrison, Hendrix and Lennon.

      At one point, you wore overalls in the city, pumped up your shoes and did the running man.

      You collected sports cards, pogs or beanie babies at some point in your life.

      You remember the simple days when the world?s biggest fear was Y2K.

      and lastly, you?re amazed at how cheap life was back in the day, you could fill up a tank under $20 and buy a house with the hopes of actually paying off your mortgage.

      Ok that last one doesnt apply to the ladies so much as to the men, as I had never had to think about which Kelly I fancied more, but I can relate to some of them!

    • #2581118

      can’t *do* pure….. ;) :p

      by gadgetgirl ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

      The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, “Stop being a scrote.”

      With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, “What is a scrote?”

      Without missing a beat the lady responded, “Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.”

      —————————————-

      (This is typical of me??)

      I know I haven’t known you very long and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

      I haven’t had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

      If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

      I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I’d be very grateful if you would.

      I am very desperate and I need your help.

      You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it’s very dry.

      I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

      Do you have a piece of gum?

      ———————————–
      Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

      The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts ????.

      ———————————
      Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

      The only thing he said was, “F.F.”

      His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.”

      Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.”

      She responded simply, “E.F.”

      He repeated, “F.F.”

      She again replied, “E.F.”

      “Mom! Dad!” their son yelled. “What’s going on?”

      Bad Bernie answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”

      ————————————–

      And finally, one for the boyz??

      Let me know how many of you cringe at this one????? 😉

      Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

      The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”

      The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”

      The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

      Happy Friday everybody!

      GG

    • #2581106

      No impurity here..just something touching and something helpful

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      First, I managed to find footage of Neil and his pet on youtube. It’s so sweet..

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTXQnt0qOv4

      And I’ve teased JD for a long time about liking boys. I KNOW he likes girls. I really should be nicer to him. With that in mind, I found the perfect date for him!

      http://youtube.com/watch?v=9-2C9H8c96w

      • #2581516

        You SHOULD Mae, but since your NOT……

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to No impurity here..just something touching and something helpful

        http://youtube.com/watch?v=vrynDdFPZwI&mode=related&search=

        Notice what they are drinking, and THEN tell me who this really is…. ]:)

        😡

        gotcha! B-)

        • #2581511

          Sure..maybe you did

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You SHOULD Mae, but since your NOT……

          but I got you first.

          And that’s the only one that counts!

        • #2581302

          I know..let’s play “Spot the JD”

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You SHOULD Mae, but since your NOT……

        • #2582760

          finding people on the net huh?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I know..let’s play “Spot the JD”

          http://www.vidmax.com/index.php/videos/view/885

          it is on, woman, it is on…..

          😀

        • #2582671

          there she is again…….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I know..let’s play “Spot the JD”

        • #2582669

          Mae, on the loose…..

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to there she is again…….

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDeQEl8qFTU&NR=1

          now we know why hubby drives when they are together? :0

        • #2582662

          here is what happens

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Mae, on the loose…..

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?search=&mode=related&v=HZSNe52A8PQ

          when people forget that Mae is nice…..

        • #2582641
          Avatar photo

          Now you have to be fair JD

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to here is what happens

          There wasn’t a single shovel shown in any of those clips though to be fair the one with the women drivers where half the car was buried in the beach needed a shovel but we all know that Mae doesn’t use her Shovel for things like that. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2583233

          The last time someone was “fair”

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to here is what happens

        • #2583206
          Avatar photo

          OK reasonable point there JD

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to here is what happens

          But it’s been ages since I’ve seen Coax crimping tools and even that one was way too big to use on the 50 Ohm Coax it had to be for the 75 OHM Coax used for TV’s. Hardly a shovel at all but toe breaking if you drop them accidentally none the less. 😀

          Anyway that guy was using screw together Coax plugs and not BMC plugs so what’s the point? :0

          Col

        • #2583169

          actually Col, I MEANT to post THIS one…..

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to here is what happens

        • #2583158

          You Tube in T minus

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to here is what happens

          3 hours!!

          Are you seeing how many videos you can get in in the next 3 hours before I go home??

        • #2580757
          Avatar photo

          JD not even close to Mae

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to here is what happens

          The lad got hit with the back of the shovel and remained standing. Mae would never allow that to happen as she would use her shovel that way to knock him to the ground and then the sharp edge to cut off his head. :0

          While along the right lines it’s no where near violent enough to be Mae just someone attempting to immediate her and doing a poor job at that. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2580510

          Two points, Col

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to here is what happens

          First, due to the graphic nature, TPTB will not allow the actual footage to be posted on this site.

          Second, due to the graphic nature of Mae’s personality, there has never been anyone to survive trying to video tape said actions.

          Just lots of decapitated people, surrounded by people with empty video cameras and ice picks protruding from their skulls……

          Mae is NICE, damnit! 😀

        • #2582243
          Avatar photo

          At least one good point there JD

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to here is what happens

          While the footage would be very graphic it would have to be able to be shown as a [b]Public Service Announcement![/b]

          But the second point about Mae killing anyone who even remotely claims to have seen her in action is a really good point after all where could the video footage possibly come from if she kills all of those taking it and then steals the evidence?

          Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE!

          It’s a great lie isn’t it JD? :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2582136

          It is just like in politics, Col

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to here is what happens

          if you say it enough, it becomes reality? 😀

          Mae is nice DAMMIT!
          Mae is nice DAMMIT!
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        • #2582048

          I am taking away your birthday

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to It is just like in politics, Col

          You are BAD, JD!!!

          Bad to the theoretical BONE!

          Bad, bad, bad.

          Show tunes, anyone???

          😡

        • #2581981

          Tig, Do I at least

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to here is what happens

          still get my birthday spankings? :0

          And Mae is just upset because I am [b]much[/b] funnier than she is! B-)

          😡

        • #2581971

          JD

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to here is what happens

          If we’re talking about looks..well, then yes. You ARE funnier than me. 🙂

    • #2581088

      Cultural Differences Explained!!

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
      Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
      Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
      Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

      Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
      Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
      Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
      Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

      Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
      Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
      Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
      Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

      Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
      Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
      Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
      Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

      Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
      Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
      Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
      Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

      Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
      Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
      Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
      Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

      Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
      Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
      Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
      Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

      Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
      Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
      Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
      Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

      Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
      Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
      Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
      Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

    • #2581069

      Different funnies

      by dspeacock ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      A plane was taking off from the Miami Airport . After it reached a
      comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
      intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
      to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Miami to New York . The weather
      ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
      flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!”
      Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
      intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
      earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
      spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
      pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the
      back of mine!”

      __________________________________________

      A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
      Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Government officials sent to
      interview him.
      “Chief Two Eagles” asked one official, “You have observed the white man
      for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances.
      You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”
      The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, “Considering all
      these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?”
      The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

      “When white man found this land, Indians were running it.”
      “No taxes.”
      “No debt.”

      “Plenty buffalo.”
      “Plenty beaver.”

      “Women did all the work.”
      “Medicine man free.”

      “Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing.”
      “All night having sex.”

      Then Chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think
      he could improve system like that.”

      _________________________________________

      • #2581057

        more on the Chief…

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to Different funnies

        An old Indian was standing on the corner. A good-looking woman passed by, on the way to work. The Indian raised his hand in greeting, and said, ?Chance!?

        The same thing happened several days in a row. The woman would walk past, the Indian would raise his hand, and say, ?Chance!?

        Finally, one day, she couldn?t ignore it any longer. So she stopped, and asked, ?You?re an Indian, aren?t you??

        He nodded.

        She said, ?I always thought Indians said, ?How!? as a greeting.?

        Indian said, ?Already know ?how?. Just want ?chance?.?

    • #2581048
      • #2581042

        Hmmm

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to Calculate-Your-Age-by-Chocolate

        That didnt work for me it told me I’m only one year old!!

        • #2581039

          ummm…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to Hmmm

          maybe you were born on a leap year? 😉

        • #2580982
          Avatar photo

          Steffi have you been taking Math Lessons

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Hmmm

          From Shelly Again?

          No wonder you made a mistake. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2580980

          Steffi- Have you developed Shell’s problems

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Hmmm

          With Maths?

          Try again and be honest about your chocolate habit!

          Have a good weekend, dear.
          🙂

        • #2581418

          No honestly!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Steffi- Have you developed Shell’s problems

          I done the 8 one that was the example there, I havent had my birthday yet and was born in 1985, see it makes me 1 year old!!

        • #2581415

          Dear Heaven, Steffi

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to No honestly!!

          Your result is 821. The LAST TWO DIGITS are your age, the first the number of times you eat chocolate!!!

          Have you not made that trip to the chemist so that you can go redhead and scare Col? A girl should have her priorities!

          P.S. Yes, I did the maths.

          You’re welcome.

          🙂

        • #2581319
          Avatar photo

          Tig a Bush fire Blonde is still a Blonde

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Dear Heaven, Steffi

          And something to be pitied not be scared of. :0

          Steffi’s is showing just how Blonde she actually is but forgive her because she took a Shellbot course in Maths so she never stood a chance. :^0

          Just refuse to allow her near a map to give directions or a GPS to follow directions as she will be like the German woman who when told to turn right now by the GPS didn’t wait for the street that was coming up but turned into a building site drove up a flight of stairs and crashed through the Toilet Block because the machine had told her to turn now. 😀

          But just to drive [b]Poor Blonde Steffi Over The Edge[/b] a man is standing in a park looking at a picture of someone and says Brothers & Sisters Have I none yet this mans Father is my Fathers Son. Now who was in the picture that he was looking at?

          Go for it Steffi I’ll let you have a week to attempt to work it out. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2582614

          Oooh oooh I know this one :D :D :D :D

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Tig a Bush fire Blonde is still a Blonde

          He was looking at a picture of himself right??

          😀

        • #2583220
          Avatar photo

          Now are you Absolutely Sure Steffi?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Tig a Bush fire Blonde is still a Blonde

          Last chance to change your mind and come up with a different answer if you are at all uncertain. After all unless you are 380% certain I don’t want you to think that you are nothing more than a [b]Foolish Blonde![/b] :0

          [b]So One Last Chance to Change Your Mind Before the Hammer Falls.[/b] :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2583217

          Errr

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Tig a Bush fire Blonde is still a Blonde

          I’m pretty sure!!

          At least I think I am! Well I’m not changin my answer anyway! Final answer, a picture of himself.

          Go on, tell me, keep me out of my suspenders! I mean suspence I always get them two muddled up 😉

        • #2583199
          Avatar photo

          I’ll just ask the Audience Deal or No Deal?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Tig a Bush fire Blonde is still a Blonde

          Yep I thought so the audience is giving you one more chance so you can [b]Phone a Friend[/b] or [b]E-Mail a Peer[/b] and ask for help if required no one in the audience seems to think that you are correct either so they are demanding one more chance and allowing you those extra options just to make your decision a bit easier for you. There where mutterings something about [b]Failed Football Hooligan[/b] as well but I’ll let that one pass me by. :^0

          Mainly because I don’t quite understand the Liverwort accent so they may have been saying something completely different. :p

          You have the entire week to think of the correct answer and I’ll accept your finial answer on Thursday where you’ll be marked on just how Blonde you actually are. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2583085

          Stop winding me up!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Tig a Bush fire Blonde is still a Blonde

          I know I’m right, but if you are prepared to make me wait until Thursday thats fine! I know my answer is right, it just has to be I’ve heard this question loads of times before and he was always looking at a picture of himself!

          And theres nothing wrong with the scouse accent its a lovely accent, just like all northern accents, like geordie too 😉

        • #2582966

          His great-aunt’s neice?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Tig a Bush fire Blonde is still a Blonde

          Or…. not?

        • #2582953

          OOOH I GOT IT!!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Tig a Bush fire Blonde is still a Blonde

          It’s his son!!

          (And thanks you know who you are 😉 )

          But that thanks wasn’t because I got any help I done it all by myself I promise 😀

        • #2595094
          Avatar photo

          OK finally I’ve got back in to TR and have Steffi’s Answer

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Tig a Bush fire Blonde is still a Blonde

          [b]WOO no page not found errors what’s happening?[/b]

          Steffi just to put you out of your misery and have a clear head while you are flying to AU for your operations the answer to the above question is [i]He’s holding a Picture of his mother’s Son![/i] :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2582615

          But When I done it

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Dear Heaven, Steffi

          I got the answer of 101!

          And I used a calculator and everything!! 🙁

        • #2583072

          How blonde are you???

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to But When I done it

          used a Calculator and everything!!! Cannot even figure it out in your head! Ok, so a calc was used, no biggie. But even then you cannot use a calc properly!!! Oh My! Those roots have you trapped…. :^0
          Ok, maybe I am being a bit harsh, and I really do not want the ‘revenge of the impure squad’ for this post, so I shall tone it down a bit.

          From now on, before doing any kind of math on your own, please consult with someone on how math works. This does not mean Shellbot, this means someone who understands the concept of numbers and basic addition/subtraction/division/multiplication.
          If it is something that requires advanced math knowledge, please HIRE A PRO to do the math for you…. 🙂

        • #2582965

          Was the calculator set to “Binary” or “Decimal”?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to But When I done it

          It might make a difference. 🙂

        • #2582956

          Maybe a difference but not much

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to But When I done it

          as 101 in binary is 6, thats not much closer to the 821 that I should of got is it?

        • #2580894

          NOOOOOOOO!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Hmmm

          That makes me much worse than I thought!

    • #2581047

      Male or Female?

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      Male or Female?

      Are you male or female?

      To find out the answer, look down…
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>
      >>>Look down, not scroll down, dummy! Jeeeesssshhhh!

      This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

    • #2581046
    • #2581045

      Chain Letters!!

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      I’m sorry I couldn’t risk not forwarding it on! What would I do without my knickers??

      ————————————–

      Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare
      and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme
      virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal
      electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion
      chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that
      if you send them on, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas
      with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough
      money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her
      off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe
      that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send
      this email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here!
      If I scroll down this page and make a wish, every Playboy
      Bunny in the magazine’ll visit me! What a bunch of B.S.!
      So, basically, this message is a big ***** to all the people
      out there who have nothing better to do than to send me
      stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter
      leprechauns will come into my apartment and terrorize me in
      my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by
      Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget
      pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year
      2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for
      longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you’re
      going to forward something, at least send me something
      mildly amusing.

      I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends,
      and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow
      receive a Nickel from some “omniscient being” forwards about
      90 times. I don’t give a damn! Show a little intelligence and
      think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending
      out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.

      THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

      Chain Letter Type 1:
      (scroll down)
      Make a wish!!!
      Keep Scrolling

      No, really, go on and make one!!!
      Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!
      Wish something else!!!

      Not that, you pervert!!
      STOP!!!!
      Wasn’t that fun? 🙂
      Hope you made a great wish 🙂

      Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of
      all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5
      seconds, you will be assaulted by a mad goat and thrown off
      a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because,
      THIS letter isn’t like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
      Really!!! Here’s how it goes:

      *Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you
      for sending them a stupid chain letter.

      *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
      sending them a stupid chain letter.

      *Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at
      you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a
      plot on your life.

      *Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you
      for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
      Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

      Chain Letter Type 2
      Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there
      is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no
      arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life
      could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar
      will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy
      from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have
      absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a
      complete load of B.S. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in
      the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send
      this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!

      Chain Letter Type 3
      Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This
      is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and
      probably not as many sad jerks with nothing better to do. So this
      is how it works… Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7
      minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

      *Bizarre Horror Story #1
      Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She
      had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then
      tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was
      gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying
      out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.

      This Could Happen To You!!!

      *Bizarre Horror Story #2
      Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail
      and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
      boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and
      went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for
      eternity.

      This Could Happen To You Too!!!

      Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just
      send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything
      will be okay.

      Chain Letter Type 4
      As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all
      your friends.

      FRIENDS:
      A friend is someone who is always at your side.
      A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of poop, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood.
      A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of road apples.
      A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself.
      A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
      A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be mugged by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.
      A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English… no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady.
      A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again!

      The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda. Right?

      Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you’ll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.

      • #2581040

        very serious warning!

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to Chain Letters!!

        If you receive an email entitled “Bedtimes”

        Delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it.

        Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

        It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

        It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

        It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.

        It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

        This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

        It will cause your toilet to flush whilst you are showering.

        IT WILL DRINK ALL YOUR BEER!!!! FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?

        It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

        It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the “Bedtimes” message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

        It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
        ***
        WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
        ***
        And if you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you’ll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
        Send this warning to everyone!!!

        JUST REMEMBER:

        THERE’S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
        Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!

        And look at you – you’re on the computer!!!!

        • #2581037

          whoops just got this one!

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to very serious warning!

          PLEASE READ THIS, IT’S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS

          Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. There is a new drug that is in liquid form.

          The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is the drug is available virtually anywhere!

          It goes by the street name “Beer.”

          All girls have to do is buy a “Beer” or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.

          Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

          Please! Forward this to everyone you know…

        • #2581033

          Beer

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to whoops just got this one!

          Beer is great. It’s almost Friday night. Beer is always plays an important part in the Friday night festivities. Beer makes my husband every bit as funny as he thinks he is. After a while though, you can always count on tequila or bourbon coming along. Sometimes, it’s an enhancement, others, it just makes us go to sleep..

        • #2581019

          mmmmmmm……….

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to Beer

          Beeeeer!

        • #2581017

          Harry Potter and Star Wars…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to mmmmmmm……….

      • #2581031

        Burlap

        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to Chain Letters!!

        Speaking of forwards; this is the funniest one I ever got…

        …………………..

        I am a very sick little boy.

        My mother is typing this for me, because I can’t. She is crying.

        Don’t cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says it’s not my fault. I asked her if it was God’s fault, but she didn’t answer and only started crying harder, so I don’t ask her that any more.

        The reason she is so sad is because I’m so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn’t hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.

        I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn’t work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, “Don’t cry, Mommy,” and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she’s allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

        I hope you will help me. You can help me if you mindlessly forward this e-mail to everyone you know. Mindlessly forward it to people you don’t know, too.

        Dr. Johansen said that for every person you mindlessly forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better, then.

        Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

        Every time you mindlessly forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body.

        If you don’t mindlessly forward this email, that’s okay. Mommy says you’re a mean and heartless ba$tard who doesn’t care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don’t stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in Hell.

        What kind of cruel person are you that you can’t take five freakin’ minutes to mindlessly forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it’s hard.

        I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn’t chew on me and try to bury its sh!t in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

        Thank You,
        Billy “Smiles” Evans
        (the boy with just a head, and a burlap sack for a body)

        • #2581028

          I’m going

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Burlap

          to send that to all my friends. That poor, poor little boy..

        • #2581021

          Don’t forget mae….

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to I’m going

          Send it to all of your non-friends too!! 🙂

        • #2581011

          Can’t do that..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Don’t forget mae….

          everybody wants to be my friend. 🙂

        • #2581009

          Everybody WANTS to…

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to Can’t do that..

          but that does not necessarily mean you need to consider them one! 😉

        • #2581007

          I know

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Everybody WANTS to…

          I just hate to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m nice that way.

        • #2581477

          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!!!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to I know

          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!!!
          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!!!
          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!!!
          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!!!
          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!!!
          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!!!
          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!!!
          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!!!

          See, I is lerning

          Edited to add: Yes, there are grammatical errors, live with it!

        • #2580973
          Avatar photo

          Beth come here quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Everybody WANTS to…

          Mae is acting all nice again and we all know what that leads to don’t we just edit all her postings from this point on to stop Mae loosing it completely.

          Mae you are scaring me again and you are enjoying it as well aren’t you?

          Col

        • #2581476

          640 HAL — Stop It!!!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Beth come here quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          Awakening the BEAST is a bad idea….

        • #2580984

          Yes! Eveyone wants to be your friend

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Can’t do that..

          because we are all aware of the consequences of NOT being your friend.

          I’m very wary these days. Look what happened to my boat when I upset Gadget…


        • #2580983

          At least it’s still there

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Yes! Eveyone wants to be your friend

          It’s just, well, not so much on TOP of the water.

          It could have been worse, she could have just set you on fire.

          (did you watch the parrot video???)

        • #2580948

          I would kill to own that parrot

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to At least it’s still there

          It’s got such a wonderfully flat and truly laconic way of responding.

          Mae, I am so grateful for the link. 😡

        • #2580901

          Neil

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Yes! Eveyone wants to be your friend

          There are two or three other videos of the same bird, I like the first one the most. Probably because the owner keeps laughing and that just cracks me up.

          I’d like to have a bird like that,too. Only problem is, I don’t think they come with an off switch. Or at least one that’s not permanent.

        • #2581473

          Already Mae???

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Neil

          Already thinking of the shovel on birds??? But you dont have one yet!

        • #2581317

          W2K

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Yes! Eveyone wants to be your friend

          C’mon..ANYONE would get tired of a bird that talks all the time. Not just me. And I wouldn’t kill it, I’d give it away.

          I still haven’t killed Mr. Pink the goldfish. This damn thing just won’t die. He (she?) came from a fair over two years ago and still going strong. Aren’t they supposed to die in the bag on the way home?

        • #2581297

          Only if you leave it in the car all day

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to W2K

          or put a small hole in the bag…..

          Wait! That is just wrong! Stop forcing me to think up new ways for you to ‘off’ things!

        • #2581272

          If I owned that parrot

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Yes! Eveyone wants to be your friend

          I would teach it to swear in every language that I could find. I would make it my life’s work to create a parrot that could – and would – offend [b]anybody[/b].

          😀

        • #2581252

          You’d have to work hard, Neil

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Yes! Eveyone wants to be your friend

          It takes a lot to offend me. My husband is a complete vulgarian.

        • #2580833

          Mae: In the spirit of trying (and don’t blame me, PLEASE)

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Yes! Eveyone wants to be your friend

          Mae, you look like JD.

          Was that offensive?

          (Please don’t hit me! You just provided too juicy a target!)

    • #2580934

      Good bye Daddy

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      Good bye Daddy

      A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
      Listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
      “God bless Mommy,
      God bless Daddy,
      God bless Grandma and
      good-bye Grandpa.”
      The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”
      The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the Thing
      to do.”
      The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
      coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
      listened to her prayers which went like this:
      “God bless Mommy,
      God Bless Daddy and
      good-bye Grandma.”
      The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, This
      kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl
      was going to bed the dad heard her say:
      “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
      He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got Up at
      the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,
      Had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by
      until midnight he would be okay.
      He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
      he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at
      every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and
      went home.
      When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s
      the matter?”
      He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day Of
      my life.”
      She said “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what Happened
      to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”

    • #2580930

      ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE WAY TOO SERIOUSLY

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE WAY TOO SERIOUSLY

      1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
      2 A day without sunshine is like — night.
      3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
      4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn’t familiar territory.
      5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
      6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
      7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
      8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
      9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
      10. He who laughs last, didn’t get the joke.
      11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
      12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
      in the trap.
      13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
      14. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
      15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
      16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
      17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
      18. Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
      19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
      20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
      21 If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
      22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand…
      23. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
      24. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
      25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
      something.
      26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
      27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
      28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
      29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
      30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
      31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
      32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
      33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
      34. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
      35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
      36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
      37. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
      until you hear them speak.

      • #2580920

        Dawg

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE WAY TOO SERIOUSLY

        You need to post this in a couple different threads. Way too much seriousness these days.

        I especially relate to #36.

        • #2580500

          Dawg

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Dawg

          yes, she does…… :0

        • #2581899

          You are

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Dawg

          seriously looking for an ass whuppin, aren’t you??

        • #2581805

          Mae, I have NO idea what you mean?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to You are

          I was just trying to be nice and agreeable….. 😀

        • #2581778

          Really? You have NO idea?

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Mae, I have NO idea what you mean?

          You’re not very smart, are you? I like that in man. (Said in my best Kathleen Turner voice)

        • #2581745

          Who?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Really? You have NO idea?

          Sorry, but when you old folks make these references, they should be in a context that my generation can relate to…. :0

          Next your going to tell me about nickel gas and walking to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways? :p Or what it was like before TV?

          😡

        • #2581727

          JD, JD, JD,

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Really? You have NO idea?

          You are just asking for trouble now, boy. I sense a shovelling in your future!

          Mae, just try to remember that he is young and foolish! And he has kids!

        • #2581722

          C’mon JD

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Really? You have NO idea?

          Even my kids know who Jessica Rabbit is. Although, you were probably more fond of Roger?

        • #2582238
          Avatar photo

          Only one possible conclusion here

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Really? You have NO idea?

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Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE! Mae is NICE!

          Someone must have hijacked Mae’s TR account and is using it without her knowledge. I’ll swear to that in court as well because none of the above sounds the slightest bit like [b]Nice Mae[/b] whatever that is incidentally. 😀

          Col ]:)

    • #2580865

      Define tragedy

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

      One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”

      No,” says the Great Jesse Jackson, “that would be an accident.”

      A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be tragedy. “I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted Reverend Al. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

      The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

      Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: “If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

      “Fantastic!” exclaim Jackson and Sharpton, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

      “Well,” says little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.

      • #2580847

        jd :0

        by cmiller5400 ·

        In reply to Define tragedy

        I about died of laughter on that one. How impure ;\

        • #2581523

          it is always

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to jd :0

          the ones the closest to the truth that are the funniest…. ;\

    • #2581540

      The Tomato Company

      by dadspad ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      The Tomato Company

      An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and
      three kids. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an
      aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at a minimum
      wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.”

      Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.”

      Stunned, the man leaves not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

      During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

      Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night course s at the community college so she can keep books for him.

      By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.

      The tomato company’s payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

      Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

      When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of that five years ago!”

      “Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.”

      Which brings us to the moral of the story:

      Since you got this story by e-mail, you’re probably closer to being a
      janitor than a millionaire.

      Sadly, I received it also.

      Dad

    • #2581519

      The Firefighter

      by texaskat ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      A Firefighter was admiring the view out of his front window when he saw a sigh that warmed his heart. A little boy, obviously imitating a fireman, was wearing a rain coat, galoshes and a rain hat. He was leading a dog who was pulling a little red wagon with hoses and all sorts of equipment. The firefighter stepped out on the sidewalk to speak to the little boy.

      ?My, that?s a fine setup you have there?, said the firefighter.

      ?Thank you, sir. I want to be a fireman when I grow up.?, said the boy.

      ?That?s a fine profession to be in, son, but I have one suggestion for you. Your dog will pull your wagon much better if you didn?t tie him to it by his balls?

      The boy looked at the firefighter very seriously and said. ?Yes sir, he would, but then I would loose my siren.?

      Happy Friday.

    • #2581498

      Potential Vs. Reality

      by pringles86 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

      His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

      The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

      “Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”

      He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

      She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”

      The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”

    • #2581462

      My Contribution

      by w2ktechman ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      Ok, I first heard this when Win 98 hadnt been released yet. But I always liked it.

      Redmond ? Fog
      It was a thick fog one morning in Redmond, Wa.. A helicopter pilot seemed to have gotten lost in it. After flying around for a while trying to get his location determined, he saw a tall building in the distance. Slowly and carefully he made his way to the building. He hovered outside of a window where he saw people working. Then he decided to write a sign that said ?where am I?
      A few people consulted each other inside, and finally wrote a sign back. They posted it to the window and the pilot read it, ?You are here? it said.
      The pilot then knew exactly where he was. Later as he was telling the story to other pilots they asked how he knew where he was.
      He then explained it to them. While the information received was totally accurate, it was useless information. Therefore he knew that he had to be at the Microsoft HQ.

      • #2580829

        I heard the hot air baloon / FAA version

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to My Contribution

        A couple of folks were floating along in a hot air balloon and had lost track of where they were. They saw a couple of people down on the ground in a field so they lowered down to ask them where they were. One of the field dwellers said “You are in a hot air balloon.”

        At that, one ballooner said to the other, “It figures we’d find somebody from the FAA. Perfectly accurate info that is totally useless.”

    • #2581413

      Mary Poppins – The truth!!

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      Warning may cause nightmares!!! :p

      • #2581361

        Scary Mary — holy crap

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Mary Poppins – The truth!!

        Now I gotta stay up all night and tinker with a toy…

        And before you ask (I know you a little by now), the toy is a computer that badly needs an upgrade or 2 (or maybe I am just bored and scared)… 🙂

        • #2582613

          Ahhh Why?? WHY???

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Scary Mary — holy crap

          Why did you have to add the before you ask bit in?? I was going to have some fun with you then!! 😉

        • #2583068

          Good Reason

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Ahhh Why?? WHY???

          I didnt want to end up having a rep for play things that would taunt me forever (like JD)…

          So I had to add that bit in there

      • #2580827

        I showed it to my 10 year old…

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to Mary Poppins – The truth!!

        with a little explanation before-hand. It was a perfect way to show him how you can change the view of things by changing order and music.

        Great link! Thanks.

        My wife and I were laughing our assets off.

        • #2580779

          while you are shedding your assets

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to I showed it to my 10 year old…

          please donate to the W2k fund. Yes, now everyone can make a donation RIGHT TO ME, and be a part of history as I actually start making money. The goal of this fund is that through donations even I can afford to buy things…

          Yes, you can help to make it all happen by sending me things of value, or cash. (checks accepted too).
          What do you get?
          Piece of mind knowing that you are helping out…
          I can even send you a W2K travel mug (do not use it or the cheap ink will stain your hand for a week).
          As an added bonus, for anyone that sends a ‘worthy’ amount, I will even include a cheap-ass t-shirt complete with holes and stained already.

          DO NOT HESITATE!!!
          Pay (I mean Donate) TODAY!!!

        • #2580743
          Avatar photo

          Not a problem

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to while you are shedding your assets

          Just Peer Mail me your address and I’ll wrap and post Steffi and Shelly straight to you. :0

          As they are both of enormous value and easily portable you’ll find it extremely easy to sell them on and make lots of money. [b]OH BTW[/b] don’t worry about the mug as I don’t drink Coffee or anything like that so it would be a waste of your money sending it over. :p

          See I’m in the process of cleaning up the Impure Brigade at TR and it’s easy. 😀

          I just feel slightly sorry for those inflicted with them well actually I don’t as I’ve had to give a refund on Steffi twice now so it’s just cheaper to give her away to get rid of the annoyance factor as she’s impossible to shut up. 🙁

          I tried 100 Mile Per Hour Tape and she broke it which I found amazing, then I hung her by her feet and submerged her underwater in the ocean and all the local fish died and the whales headed inland in the US the sharks committed suicided in an attempt to escape. Now I have the Environmental Health Authority chasing me for cruel and Inhumane Treatment of the Ocean Creatures. I’ll not mention what the crabs did in an attempt to escape as it’s way too horrible to repeat and even the Dudgeon’s made a mass migration to Sea World just to get away from the noise underwater. Instead of Sea grass in that area there is now an outbreak of Blue Green Algae and I’m getting the blame for that as well. :_|

          Seems that even the most impure of the Impure are unsellable. Admittedly when the Sultan demanded a refund his only complaint was that he couldn’t shut her up even after sewing her lips together she broke the stitches and they used chest closing thread to sew her lips together after super glueing them shut. That only lasted for 33 nanoseconds before she built up enough pressure to blow the glue and stitches out. 🙁

          Well if did sound like a great idea at first and I did manage to get rid of several of the Impure Brigade but nothing is perfect. :_|

          If you can Tame the pair of them I’ll give you the place where you can sell them. Shelly constantly was attempting to do maths and drove the Sultan crazy with her insane answers to working out just how much the harem cost to run. According to her it was making a profit with no income and lots of outgoing in the form of expenses. Somehow she managed to insist that these expenses was a profit so Steffi needs to be taught to [b]SHUT UP[/b] and Shelly needs to be prevented for ever attempting any form of [b]MATHS[/b] I wouldn’t dare impose in suggesting that you attempt to teach her the proper way to do maths as that would be way too painful an experience to even attempt. ?:|

          Lets know when you have those 2 broken in and I’ll forward some more along just to help you with your income. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2580716

          Sound like a Deal

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Not a problem

          and the way they talk much would not worry me, I kinda like it (but for how long, I am uncertain). This may be a good test to find out…

          Hmm, I am not sure if I would be willing to part with both of them so easily though….

          Maybe I’ll make them both the queen of 2 new prostitute rings. They can service me while the recruits service everyone else!!! Just call me pimp daddy2k from now on…. :^0

        • #2580674
          Avatar photo

          OK Pimp Daddy 2K all you need do is PM

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Sound like a Deal

          Me your address and I’ll have then in the mail by close of business today. 😀

          I’ll even stick a couple of holes into the bubble wrap so that they can breath a little bit. I take it that you would like them sent Air Mail and not surface mail right? :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2582259

          Done!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to OK Pimp Daddy 2K all you need do is PM

          Now I need a ‘Pimp’ avatar!!!
          Steffi and Shelli will need Dominatrix avatars as well. They should enjoy torturing those prostitutes for not bring the cash flow in….

          Soon we can go on another bridge venture….

        • #2582195

          hrrmmpphhh

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Done!

          So we are being traded away like a unwanted Pog???

          What with Steff’s incredible vocalisations, and my famous grasp on mathematics..i thought the Sultan would keep us forever.

          So now w2k is our pimp daddy?? Does he really know what he’s getting into??

          The bridge venture sounds interesting though..

        • #2582015

          Unwanted???

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to hrrmmpphhh

          I should have requested the 2 of you before!!!

          I am sure that you will like your new job very much. You get to ‘do as you please’ and ‘manage your own time’ and ‘keep others in line’ by whatever means you prefer. ]:)

          The only requirement is that my cash flow rises dramatically.

          If you choose not to accept this offer, I must make Steffi treat you as the others… 😉

        • #2582037

          Steffi already has something close…

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Done!

          That rather evil grinning face from a few months ago. That look can make you shiver in more than several ways!

        • #2582235
          Avatar photo

          They are in the mail service now.

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to OK Pimp Daddy 2K all you need do is PM

          Or should I say Femail service? :0

          I just hope that they clear customs without any problems as Steffi was filled full of Elephant Tranquiliser and I still couldn’t shut her up hopefully it will take affect while in transit as the German Mail Workers have already been warned and will not hold up that parcel. I just hope that the US Mail workers don’t think that this is some kind of terrorist device and blow it up. Actually I don’t care one way of the other actually. :^0

          Shelly will not even be noticed by the Irish Postal Service as they where all out drinking that [b]Evil Black Brew[/b] and they where all less than sober when that parcel was dropped off so their only comment was it’s a bit big but as the correct postage has been paid no problems. Though to be quite honest it may have been faster to send her surface mail as I’m not actually sure that they will send it directly to the US it will probably be misdirected about 45 times before it hits the US Postal service but start to look for slips in your mail box from Friday as at least one of the parcels should have arrived by them. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2582229

          And what if I escape??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to OK Pimp Daddy 2K all you need do is PM

          C’mon you think Elephant tranquiliser will stop me??

        • #2582036

          They haven’t yet ;)

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to And what if I escape??

          Have they?

        • #2582159
          Avatar photo

          Excellent the standin’s are working. :^0

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to OK Pimp Daddy 2K all you need do is PM

          Now Damien remember Shelly idea of a great maths result is 1 + 1 = 341 so just keep posting along those lines and how you’ve had to beat up a GPS for telling you where to go and no one will be any the wiser that Shelly is actually missing and in the postal service. :0

          Sam it’s good to see that you have fitted into Steffi’s place so well just remember she’s a Blonde and keep posting along the lines that your original post was and everything will be perfect. OH also you need to remember that she’s from Liverput so keep making mention of Gulliver’s Travels and no one will be any the wiser. I’ve been told by the German Postal Workers that not only has she finally shut up but ow that those 400 gallons of elephant tranquilisers have started to take effect that she’s also as stiff as a board. I just hope that she doesn’t talk in her sleep as that will make the Yank Customs suspicious and they will probably blow her up just to see what was inside the parcel. No matter no big loss and I’ll e-mail you both the moment that you can drop the charade and pull out of TR so no one misses either of these 2. 😀

          Thanks you two for the hand to clean up the [b]Impure Ones.[/b] 😡

          Col ]:)

        • #2593448

          ok..i accept

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to OK Pimp Daddy 2K all you need do is PM

          so..as long as the money flows in we can do what we want???

          i must go have a bit of a think..this opens up a world of possibilities.

    • #2581255
      • #2582909

        Wow, someone must have a childs mentality

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Science means Satan in Latin

        to write that…
        And it seems that they believe it as well. ok, are they trying to brainwash children or something? Do not learn anything, everything except the bible is false, etc, etc, etc…

        I would ask this person if learning was a sin, how come they can walk, talk, and even use a computer to write that garbage???

        • #2582833

          Double post

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Wow, someone must have a childs mentality

          Edited by “your name” :p

          your name clearly in the square provided.

        • #2582832

          “someone must have a childs mentality to write that”

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Wow, someone must have a childs mentality

          I guess that depends upon when and how you look at it. I think that the article and the website itself are brilliant works of creativity but what do I know? After all, I chose to light the match first. 😉 :^0

        • #2582734

          Sorry, but

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to “someone must have a childs mentality to write that”

          you posted it on the YUK, so I figured we would agree on it. Or at least get a few :^0 out of it.
          Normally I would not post at all in a religious discussion. If I offended you I am sorry, I did not not mean to. I will try to leave religion out of it as much as I can because I was commenting on the article itself and not on religious stance.

          while the articles point was that science is evil, the writer wrote in it that learning was evil, here re-read this part

          “Jesus told us that we need to become like children if we want to get into Heaven. You see, Jesus doesn’t want us to get puffed up with so-called education and knowledge, which is why He has anointed George W. Bush. ”

          “Through Jesus, we know that all knowledge outside of the Holy Bible is a lie. A child could tell you that!”

          Ok, then my point seems accurate (in my opinion at least), that learning is wrong. But by nature we all start learning at birth (or before, I do not know). So therefore we are all evil and can never correct it.
          It also asks us to take full faith in the words in the Bible, and everything else is wrong. Hey, the Bible has lots of issues with it, therefore I see it as they are trying to keep people from using their brains at all. Furthermore, one would have to be ‘educated’ to learn to read the Bile, which would make them evil.

          I could go on and on but I have no interest in it further. We disagree on the article itself so let it be left at that.

        • #2582666
          Avatar photo

          No actually I think that the Catholics had it right

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Sorry, but

          Up until fairly recently if a Catholic was caught with a copy of the Bible they where Excommunicated from the church as they didn’t have the right education to understand the writings contained within the Bible. This was happening till the 20 th century and has a certain reason to be considered as Good.

          It meant that only those educated by the Catholics in Theology could read the bible and properly translate it so that the average follower could properly understand the message that was being given by the bible.

          Of course where this all fell to pieces was when the Catholic Church no longer dominated Christianity and other churches arose who had their own versions of the Bible and could interpret it to suit their own needs. That was really the beginning of the end of Christianity from a Historical Prospective and then with the Printing Press the ability to mass produce copies of the Bible made it even easier for people to have a copy and from that time onward you will notice that these strange sects have sprung up citing the Bible as the source of all knowledge and anything/one that says differently has to be ignored and never associated with again so you get tight knit groups who are effectively brainwashing each other into believing what they are preached and this is dangerous not only in Christianity but any Religion. About 12 years ago Christians used the Bible to hunt down the Muslims in Yugoslavia and kill them out in an act of genocide that has been unprecedented in the modern world and was similar to Hitlers actions and solution to the perceived Jewish problem that Germany Faced.

          A response to this was the Radicalisation of other Religions who currently are predominately thought of as Muslim but really are many and varied who have reverted to Secular States and have overthrown the elected/established Monarch or whatever Governments to setup their own Religious Powered State to do as they like which is just a bigger version of the Christian Sects that have arisen.

          They all however share a common denominator the followers have only the education allowed by the leaders and are truly brainwashed into believing that they are right and have [b]God On Their Side![/b]

          While the above posting is funny it’s also scary as there are some people who believe this rubbish and they are the ones who will be the most vocal in getting change to occur. When they eventually come to power will be little better than Pol Pot was to Cambodia and that is something to be resisted at all costs.

          Col

        • #2582658

          Hmmm

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to No actually I think that the Catholics had it right

          Edited because I can

    • #2581239

      Anonymous TR member w/two MS Vista supporters :^0

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      [video src="http://s152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/?action=view&current=Technology.flv" /]

      Even though there are sub-titles it’s better with the speakers on. Rated PG

    • #2581208

      One for the Aussies

      by rob miners ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

      He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid.

      As she takes his order, a Foster’s, she notices his accent. Over the
      course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he
      asks if she wants to come back to his place.

      Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay
      her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and
      is short of funds, she agrees.

      The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and
      after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him
      again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy
      to agree.

      This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
      orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that
      if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more
      cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

      She asks him where he’s from in Australia. – “Melbourne”, he tells her.

      “So am I. What suburb?” she enquires.

      “Glen Iris” he replies.

      “That’s amazing……….”she says excitedly, “……….so am I – what
      Street?”

      “Cameo Street” he replies.

      “This is unbelievable………” she says, her voice quavering. “What
      Number?”

      “Number 20”, he replies.

      She is totally astonished. “You are NOT going to believe this……..”,
      she screams, “but I’m from Number 22! My parents still live there!”

      “I know…” he says, “Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you.”

      HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

    • #2581206

      This is a HIQ Test!

      by rob miners ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      You are allowed 10 minutes to complete this test.

      1. Print your name clearly in the square provided.

      2. Australia Day is the 26th of January.
      Do they have a 26th of January in England?

      3. Some months have 30 days and some have 31.
      How many months have 28 days?

      4. If you had only one match and entered a dark
      and cold room where there is:-
      a) an oil lamp
      b) a kerosene heater
      c) some kindling wood
      Which object would you light first?

      5. A farmer had 17 sheep, all but 9 die.
      How many did he have left?

      6. A man builds a house with four sides.
      It is a rectangular structure where each
      side has a southern exposure. A bear comes
      wandering past, what is the colour of the bear?

      7. How many of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark?

      8. If you take 2 apples from 3 apples. How many do you have?

      9. If you drove a bus with 42 passengers on it from Tamworth
      to Armidale, picked up 7 more there, and went to McDonalds.
      At Glen Innes 19 passengers were dropped off, but 1 hour later,
      6 more people were collected at KFC in Inverell.
      What was the driver?s name?

      10. A ladder over the side of a boat has 3 rungs clear
      of the water. The rungs are 20cm apart and the tide is
      coming in at 1 metre per hour. How many rungs would
      be clear of the water after 12 minutes?

      • #2582912

        So where are the answers???

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to This is a HIQ Test!

        Lol, JK
        but seriously, I spent 10 minutes looking for the square to print my name in. And the pencil did not work well on my monitor either…

        ok, my answers
        1. Scott
        2. Yes
        3. 1
        4. C. light the kindling, use that for the lamp and heater
        5. 9
        6. ??? A black bear would be black, a brown bear would be brown, a polar bear would be white…What does this have to do with it???

        7. 0 Noah had an Ark
        8. if I took 2, I would have 2
        9. Scott
        10. 3, a boat floats

        ah man, where was the challenge in that..
        Ok, an airliner has 151 passengers, 2 pilots, 3 stewardess’s, a cook, and 2 waitresses. A sudden and fierce storm comes up. The plane ends up crashing and killing all of the passengers and waitresses. How many people died?

        Another one. An airliner with 100 passengers crashed into a lake. 15 people drowned in the lake, while 80 were killed in the crash. How many body bags are needed for the survivors?

        • #2582891

          :^0

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to So where are the answers???

          WTF is up with any of that “the truth hurts” nonsense? :^0

          Me edit. So?

        • #2582890

          Most

          by rob miners ·

          In reply to So where are the answers???

          people would light the match first. Thats what you get for thinking about all those body bags.

        • #2582884

          The Square

          by rob miners ·

          In reply to Most

          ┌──────────┐
          │ │
          │ │
          └──────────┘

        • #2582870

          Isn’t it a shame

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to The Square

          when the TR Formatting Police bugger up your posts!

          FYI there’s a pre and /pre switch to preserve formatting. Enclose in [].
          [pre]
          ┌──────────┐
          │ │
          │ │
          └──────────┘
          [/pre]

          😀

          Provided free of charge by NITS(tm) while I wait for the spin cycle to complete so I can go fishing.

        • #2582866

          Thanks

          by rob miners ·

          In reply to Isn’t it a shame

          I’ll go away now and practice some more.
          Enjoy the fishing! Edit: I love it!

        • #2582801

          ok, it was late!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Most

          and I missed one (or 2).
          and thanks everyone for adding the ‘square’ for me! I was truly lost on that one… :^0

        • #2583282

          Don’t Lie!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to ok, it was late!

          You know that your problem is your as blonde as me :p

        • #2583065

          on mentality wise!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Don’t Lie!!

          I have never actually had blonde hair so not even the roots are blonde.

          But occasionally I get hit with the ‘Blonde Syndrome’ in the brain… :^)

          P.S. — Isn’t this a handicap? Can I obtain a handicap license for having ‘Blonde Syndrome’ occasionally?

        • #2582642

          My answers

          by ozi eagle ·

          In reply to Most

          Hi,
          Here are the ones I differ on.

          3/ I think that the answer should be 3/4. Every four years we only have three months with 28 days – remember leap years when February gets an extra day.

          5/ Maybe he still had 17, albeit that 8 were dead.

          6/ White – it has to be a polar bear. Any place with a southerly exposure on all sides has to be at the north pole, and the north pole has polar bears, which are white. OK off white.

          Herb

        • #2582609

          One thing

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to My answers

          I agree with two of your corrections but the on for number 3, the answer is all of them, every month has a 28th in it!

          For most of these you need to think outside the box! A talent of mine, its the thinking inside the box that I find impossible :p

        • #2583283

          Way to go

          by rob miners ·

          In reply to One thing

          they really are pretty obvious. I think its something to do with the wording.

        • #2580498

          double post!

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to So where are the answers???

          grumble grumble…..

        • #2580497

          missed a couple

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to So where are the answers???

          3: all months have 28 days…
          4: Light the match first!
          6: If all of the windows face south, then you are visiting Santa, so the bear would be white.

        • #2581847

          yeah, yeah, yeah

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to missed a couple

          I got that from the other posts. geez, how picky is everyone going to be!!! 🙂

          Anyway, I have my built in excuse (or not), it was past midnight. I had been doing yard work all day. and a bit on the tired side.
          Well, it made sense when I typed it at least!

          any more needed, cause I am sure I can come up with a larger list….
          well, I won’t anyway, this will have to do!!!

      • #2582141

        Easy to answer!

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to This is a HIQ Test!

        1: I did. The square was on a paper on my desk so you probably can’t see it.

        2: Austrailians aren’t allowed in England in January

        3: All except Marchuary which has 12 days.

        4: The flashlight in my backpack. Was that supposed to be a trick question?

        5: 16. The 9 that didn’t die and the 7 of the 8 that did die. The other one was sold to Col for some Kiwi friends of his.

        6: Trick question. It was a penguin. The walls were facing each other and it was built on the South Pole.

        7: 3 – one of the male sex, one of the female and one of the insects.

        8: That depends on if the 3 apples come with you and the two apples that you took from them. If so, you would have 5.

        9: I will have to look at my name tag.

        10: I know this one! If it is a power boat then all of the rungs would be exposed. If a sail boat then still only 3. I was heading toward the shore a little faster than I should have been and forgot to slow down. It only took 6 minutes to beach the boat and in the remaining 6 minutes the water had still not reached the bottom rung.

        For the sail boat, it might be 2 since it would not be able to run up the beach as far and might list where it gets beached, therefore dipping the ladder further into the water.

        • #2593520

          Answers to HIQ

          by rob miners ·

          In reply to Easy to answer!

          1. It is actually a rectangle.

          2. Yes

          3. 12

          4. The match

          5. 9

          6. White

          7. 2

          8. 3

          9. You drove the bus

          10. 3 boats float sometimes

    • #2582757

      instructional video

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      http://www.vidmax.com/index.php/videos/view/925

      the coke bomb with a mentos….

    • #2583274

      Prepare to mourn!

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      Pac-Man is dead!!

      And someone has put his skeleton on display!!

      http://www.slashgear.com/pac-man-s-skeleton-195350.php

      • #2583248

        frikk that is lame Steff!!

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Prepare to mourn!

        its so lame i actually laughed 🙂

        well, this was definatly one of the more sedate Yuks anywho’s..maybe have to liven it up later on today and tomorrow eh girl??

        • #2583236

          Definitely!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to frikk that is lame Steff!!

          The only problem is I cant make it too lively whilst at work and I havent been able to get near my computer at home lately!!

          Add what you know to the fact that its 30?C outside at the moment and you’ll understand why I havent been to near the computer lately!! 😉

          Edited to add – Oh Shell I apologise for the lameness but I couldnt help it, I laughed too!

        • #2583194

          30 outside?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Definitely!!

          would you believe it is 38 here?

          oh wait, your talking that dang “C” stuff….. :p

          30c = 86f
          38f = 3.3

          details details…..

        • #2583191

          nah, nah…… oh, dear jd – – and I thought you “liked girls”

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to 30 outside?

          definite missed opportunity…..

          30C – flat

          38F – enormusk!

          ;\ :p 😉 ]:)

          GG

        • #2583179

          [i] ~hangs head in shame~

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to nah, nah…… oh, dear jd – – and I thought you “liked girls”

          I am not worthy…. 🙁

          Does it help that in the last hour, my attention has been distracted because it is now a 43F? Can you say, “oh my!”? ]:)

        • #2583174

          good grie….j….no….I don’t believe it…..shee….

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to [i] ~hangs head in shame~

          BOOBY SIZES ONLY COME (DE!) IN EVEN NUMBERS…….

          unedumacated….grief….dunno….unbebloodylievable…..

          stupid Yank.

          GG

          (totally t-i-c; you know I loves ya anyways! 😡 )

        • #2583167

          He was just being

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to [i] ~hangs head in shame~

          a typical male, you know how stoopid they are!! He was just thinking in terms of big numbers, its not his fault you have to speak slowly its the maleness in him 😉

        • #2583162

          Shows what YOU know gg

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to [i] ~hangs head in shame~

          [i]BOOBY SIZES COME IN EVEN NUMBERS…….[/i]

          Even [b]I[/b] know you don’t come [b]IN [/b]a pair…..

          [b]On[/b] works so much nicer…..

          pearl necklace, she wants a pearl necklace….

        • #2583151

          jd darling…..

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to [i] ~hangs head in shame~

          [i] [b] I [/b] know what [b] I [/b] meant…..

          [u] didn’t you?? [/i] [/u] :0

          ;\

          ]:)

          GG

        • #2583160

          i hear ya

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Definitely!!

          i have no home computer at this point in time.. 🙁

          in a few days though i will..and maybe even have my brodaband back !!!

          its all terribly exciting isn’t it ]:)

    • #2583228

      spoof on the mac/pc

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      • #2583223

        JD!!

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to spoof on the mac/pc

        Why do you always do this 🙁

        I see a new post in the yuk and go there while in work hoping to find something to entertain me, and youve posted a link to you tube 🙁 something which I cant go on from work, and now I have to wait all day until I finish before I can see it!!

        Dont you know that the suspence is slowly killing me??

        • #2583219

          Steffi my dear

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to JD!!

          would it help if I told you I almost wet myself from laughing so hard at the clips?

          Would it help if I thought it was a lot funnier than the original mac/pc clips?

          Would it help if I told you they were the highlight of my week, to see them?

          No?

          Ok, I won’t tell you then! :p

          Hey, at least you can hop in your time machine and almost be done with your day already. After all, here it is, not even 8:30am, and I bet your halfway done with your daze! 😀

          😡

        • #2583212

          I used to like you JD

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Steffi my dear

          But I’ve found out your just a tease a great big tease!!

        • #2583188

          Your not kidding anyone blonde

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I used to like you JD

          It just makes you want “it” that much more! B-)

        • #2583186

          Not to mention

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Your not kidding anyone blonde

          a tease doesn’t deliver, while I always aim to please, my dear! ]:)

        • #2583182

          Aim to please?

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Not to mention

          oh, so you’re one of the few men that CAN actually hit a loo…..

          GG

          ]:)

        • #2583176

          Now I don’t have a REASON to miss anymore

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Not to mention

          ]:)

          Think about THAT one the next time someone “misses”.

          Couldn’t and wouldn’t are two separate things!

          B-)

          We get back, in subtle ways! ;\

          Did I ever tell you that when the ex would go out, I would put her plants in the freezer? 😐

          We won’t even mention what I would do to her tooth brush…… :0

        • #2583165

          JD You Know Me So Well ;)

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Your not kidding anyone blonde

          😉

        • #2581850

          Was this your first clue?

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to I used to like you JD

          You have to watch out for JD. He ENJOYS being a tease.

          But I’ll tell you a secret- he likes show tunes!

        • #2581826

          tease or not

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Was this your first clue?

          I still like girls….. :p

          😡

        • #2581803

          If you say so

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to tease or not

          personally I like Women, not girls…

          🙂

        • #2581753

          I don’t know, JD

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to tease or not

          That one is beginning to wear thin.

          From what I hear from Mae, the show tunes are a pretty heavy obsession for you.

          😡

          How’s it going?

        • #2581743

          Actually tig

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to tease or not

          Things are really going well. Sure, money is tight raising the boys full time on my own, but we are really doing well. [i](that was the condition that the ex would let me have them full time, that she didn’t have to give any money)[/i]

          They are happy and healthy, and have a good summer to look forward to.

          I have nine weeks of school left, so that is getting high stress because I want so badly to go play in the nice weather instead of be in class until 9:30pm. 🙁

          Heck, even starting to develop a social life again. Who would have thunked it? 😀

          Got a pile of old PC’s that are going to go into a rummage sale to raise money for hunting gear for the boys. B-)

        • #2581723

          Wow JD

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to tease or not

          Actual dating? Like with members of the opposite sex and everything???

          Who’d have thought?

          Honestly, it’s good to hear that things are going well. And it sounds like the boys are happier too. All good things.

          We’re in the process of burning the BlackAdder to DVD. Don’t hold your breath- Red Dwarf took forever to get on disk- but I sense another Christmas box…

        • #2583218

          Ditto and likewise, Steff….

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to JD!!

          tell you what, dear –

          you ‘old ‘im, I’ll ‘it him ……

          😉

          GG

        • #2583214

          Sounds like a plan!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Ditto and likewise, Steff….

          Just make sure you ‘it ‘im good ‘n’ ‘ard!!!

          ]:)

        • #2583211

          Stef, dear…..

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Sounds like a plan!!

          I didn’t say [i] [b] with what [/i] [/b] I was going to ‘it ‘im…….

          ;\

          ]:)

          GG

          Edit: grammatical incorrectness at time of issuance

        • #2583198
          Avatar photo

          Well if it helps

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Stef, dear…..

          JD is completely correct both are hilarious. :^0

          I was too busy rolling around on the floor laughing to do anything else but [b]SWMBO[/b] had to run to the Loo and I don’t think that she quite made it there either. 😀

          Col

          Now you both have something to look forward to when you finish for the day don’t you? :p

          GG Steffi needs some help with the question asked here so feel free to help her out so she doesn’t look quite so Blonde.

          http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=223020&messageID=2237806

        • #2583197

          oooooooh! Col, you , you, you…. ooooooo!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Well if it helps

          You don’t really have to ask just where I’m going to insert that supercharged vib in your superhot bod…….

          do you?

          grrrrrrrrrr

          GG

        • #2583190
          Avatar photo

          GG what are you talking about? It’s only 27 C here and cold!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Stef, dear…..

          So cold in fact that I’m no longer getting out of bed in the mourning till well after midday when it’s nearly warm enough to stand fully dressed in Arctic wear in the sunlight. Any other time it’s warmer in the freezer. :0

          Brrrrrrrr I hate this cold weather. 🙁

          Col ]:)

        • #2583185

          ME? ME?? It’s YOU!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to GG what are you talking about? It’s only 27 C here and cold!

          I was talking about youtube ……

          Steffi was doing the weather bit….

          May I please have some of what you’re on?

          oh – and short of pm-ing her the answer, what more hints can I give her to your “puzzle” question? Hmm?!

          ]:)

          GG

        • #2583175

          GG I’m pretty sure

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to GG what are you talking about? It’s only 27 C here and cold!

          I have the right answer, I said he was looking at a picture of himself. Thats right isnt it??

          I think Col is just so shocked that I got it right that he’s winding me up to make me doubt myself and change my mind so I look stupid :p

        • #2583172

          Hit him until he’s good and [i]what[/i]

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Sounds like a plan!!

          I’m Shocked! :0

        • #2583166

          Now, now Dave-O

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Hit him until he’s good and [i]what[/i]

          you shouldn’t be shocked.

          You have no idea with what I’m going to hit him…..

          that, and the fact that there was no “until” in Stefs’ original sentence.

          Careful. Your mucky and impure mind is showing.

          You are beginning to show that you are going the ways of the Mambo, and crossing to the Gutter side……

          GG
          ]:)

        • #2583163

          Dave :0

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Hit him until he’s good and [i]what[/i]

          I’m the one who is shocked!! Your putting things into my mouth!! 😉

          I never said until!! :0 Your a naughty boy!

        • #2583156

          Dave, you lucky guy

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Dave :0

          [i]”Your putting things into my mouth!! “[/i]

          I have been trying to hook up with blonde for a long time, and keep getting turned down. Now I see WHY.

          hummer time? wow!

          Kind of surprised that steffi would “kiss” and tell like that though! :0

        • #2583146

          oh. It’s hummertime again, is it?

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Dave :0

          oh.

          Ok.

          http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=222566&messageID=2236812

          oh, and Shell – I thought ALL women could schlurp a banana when practicing on…no, I mean eating it…..

          ]:)

          GG

          Choose an option:
          Hummertime – You can’t touch this

          Hummertime, hummertime, hum-hum-hummertime, hummertime, hummertime, hum-hum-hummertime, hummertiiiiiiiiiiime!

          (ok, ok, I admit it – I’m on the meds…. 😀 )

        • #2580507

          roflmao

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to oh. It’s hummertime again, is it?

          ok can shlurph if the need arises 🙂

          you going to share the meds..they sounds fantastic 🙂

        • #2583143

          Well!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Dave :0

          JD, If its hummertime thats wanted well I have learnt well from GG!! Oh and JD IF I was blonde you’d be more than welcome to me 😉 but as I’m not blonde, I’d be no use to you, and I didnt kiss & tell I wrote that post just for Dave no one else was supposed to read it!! :p

          And GG of course we slurp 😉

        • #2583062

          Ooohh..This reminds me of something..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Dave :0

          So, JD has this ‘friend’, and his friend had “I LOVE YOU, JD” tattooed on his “member”. He was so proud of it and couldn’t WAIT to show it to JD. JD took one look at it and started pouting. His friend asked him why he didn’t like it. JD said “Because I HATE it when you put words in my mouth..”

        • #2583024

          I like (H)(S)ummertime

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Dave :0

          (H)(S)ummertime is one of the best times of the year, especially when conditions are optimal.

          (H)(S)ummertime is a magical time of year to get up and say AAAH!!!

        • #2580738
          Avatar photo

          BAD BAD BAD EXTREMELY BAD Dave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Dave :0

          Putting things in Steffi’s mouth is a big no no she bites or at least that’s what she claims so that is way to dangerous to attempt. You silly boy. :^0

          Well I suppose if you are into pain and suffering that you might enjoy that so I’ll not make any comment. :0

          But with this weeks Yuk I’m making a list and checking it 600 times to make sure that I get the names of every member of the Impure Brigade so that I can sell them all off in one swoop except for Steffi & Shelly who have proved that they are unsalable so I’m giving them away so that they can enjoy themselves by torturing their new owner. :^0

          Incidentally how did you hear about the Monolith? That’s supposed to be a secret and no one who is currently awake on Discovery should know anything about it. Only 25 to go. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2583208
          Avatar photo

          Don’t worry sweetie

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to JD!!

          it’s up to 27 C over here and it’s [b]So COLD![/b] that I don’t get up out of bed till midday long after the sun has come up and reached an almost bearable temp.

          I can not wait for the Great Days of Summer where 35 C + days are awaiting you all where you can just wear 5 shirts 1 pair of thick jeans and a complete Body suit under that lot to keep warm. Now I remember why I ran that LAN Cable into the bedroom and mounted it in the wall and it’s great no matter that [b]SWMBO[/b] is still complaining 5 years latter. At least I can use my NB under the covers where it’s warm and not freeze the fans off the NB. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2583161

          How can you say that??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Don’t worry sweetie

          How can 27?C be cold?? I am in pain and sunburnt from 30? and you think thats cold?? Now I know I’m English 🙁

        • #2580731
          Avatar photo

          Last time I was in the UK

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to How can you say that??

          Some idiot insisted that I accompany them to the beach as it was the middle of their summer and everyone was complaining about the heat wave hitting the place I think that it had reached 32 C in the sun. 😉

          There where all these crazy Poms running about in bathing costumes and jumping on the ice that passed as the sea and I was the one standing on the grass in a great coat still shivering and thinking about where I could get an electrically heated suit. The Poms think once the ice gets under 3 feet thick that it’s hot, They are [b]All Crazy Now![/b] :^0

          But on the up side the females really stood out with all the cold wet bathers. 😀

          Col ]:)

      • #2582954

        And after all that waiting!

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to spoof on the mac/pc

        I watched these ones last week 🙁

        I just forgot about them and forgot it might be them!

        • #2582942

          wow steffi

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to And after all that waiting!

          kind of suck to be you right now…. :p

          Did you at least see the videos about Mae further up? :0

          😡

        • #2582941

          oooh not yet

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to wow steffi

          ill take a look now

    • #2583132

      Sorry Steffi, had to pull all youtube links!

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      made you look…. :p

      • #2583128

        I told you

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to Sorry Steffi, had to pull all youtube links!

        your nothing but a tease!! 😉

        Edited to clarify – thats not a complaint 😉

        • #2582993

          But Steffi

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I told you

          I will deliver, so you have to take out the “nothing” part. Sure, it is a big part, but the anticipation is as much fun!

          You home yet?

        • #2582958

          Yes I’m home

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to But Steffi

          Just slowly going through the videos now, and I love the anticipation dear 😉

    • #2582217

      Hmmm Maybe not something to brag about but…

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      I’m Samantha who are you ??


      Which Sex and the City Player Are You? Find out @ She’s Crafty

      • #2582137

        I couldn’t find out. Insufficient answers to choose from.

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to Hmmm Maybe not something to brag about but…

        for instance, “I like my men” didn’t have an option “to get the heck away from my women.”

        And that was only the 2nd question!

        • #2582125

          Sorry Dave

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I couldn’t find out. Insufficient answers to choose from.

          I forgot to mention that its a quiz just for women! :p

          If you change all the men parts to women I suppose you could answer it then!

        • #2582032

          STEFFI!!!! Change Men’s parts to Women’s??? :0

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Sorry Dave

          I would NEVER suggest such a thing!

          And, here I thought you liked me the way I am! 🙁

          ]:)

        • #2593566

          Aww, Dave

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to STEFFI!!!! Change Men’s parts to Women’s??? :0

          You know we love you…

          even if you ARE WAY TO PURE…

          we know your heart is in the right place and all…

          and it’s not like there’s anything WRONG with that.

          😀

    • #2582207

      Bransons big mistake??

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      http://bp2.blogger.com/_OrAxV4vtMHs/Ri-tOBlBVfI/AAAAAAAAAGg/lNL_NGV1L2w/s1600-h/flick+off.jpg

      Richard Branson has decided to help teach people to turn lights off. Wonder how many people this will offend before they get up close to it

      • #2582205

        [i]FLICK OFF??? So??? This bothers you??? He didn’t say FLICK YOU

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Bransons big mistake??

        .

      • #2582204

        It must be a blond thing. Like Steffi, Branson is a blond but a rich one.

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Bransons big mistake??

        :^0

        • #2582198

          I Just Thought It Was Funny Thats All :_|

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to It must be a blond thing. Like Steffi, Branson is a blond but a rich one.

          :_|

        • #2582153
          Avatar photo

          Good one Sam

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I Just Thought It Was Funny Thats All :_|

          Changing your location to Liverpool will make it just that much harder for the authorities to find Steffi if anyone is silly enough to report her missing. If there is some complaints that Steffi seems to have changed somehow change her location around the UK just to keep people confused. But stick to the large population centres so that there is no chance of anyone realising that she’s actually missing and has been posted to the US you can always use France and some of the larger Population centres in Europe as well if necessary. :^0

          But remember to insist that you have illegally snuk into these countries just so that no one goes looking for Customs entries. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2582140

          Huh wha??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Good one Sam

          Who’s Sam??

          I’ve changed my location cos its about 18 hours until I am back in Liverpool!

          I just hope that I can actually go anywhere when I’m in Liverpool cos if AC dont win tonight not only am I not going to be able to leave the house because of smug liverpudlians, but I will murder someone after hearing the chants “6 Times” over and over again.

          Just whatever they do they better not close the chippy!! :0

        • #2582085
          Avatar photo

          Good one Sam now take off that Blonde Wig it’s affecting your brain

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Huh wha??

          And you are sounding way too much like Steffi. :0

          Remember gradual changes till you drop off the map and Steffi disappears. She’s currently on a Flight to the US to start her new job now so it’s only a day or two more before you can drop the charade. 😀

          OH the bit about the Chippy did you forget that the UK goes on Holiday tomorrow so everything is shut for 3 weeks and there are only the tourists in the place with no business open just like the rest of Europe? :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2593637
          Avatar photo

          HUM, AR OH I see AC Won and the team from

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Huh wha??

          Liverput lost. But what can you expect some 3 inch high football players playing real people they can’t even move the ball around without 14 of them pushing and even them they can only manage an inch at a time. :p

          Frankly I thought it amazing that they managed to get one goal but when I saw the footage I realised that it occurred at half time when the AC crowd where off the field and it took the Liverpudlians 35 minutes to roll the ball into the goal from 3.5 inches out where one of the Linesmen left it when Time was called. 😀

          OH Well I suppose Steffi would be slightly upset if she was to see this result so it’s a good thing that I’ve had her wrapped up and posted to the US for a new life as an Illegal Alien another [b]ET Just Visiting.[/b] :^0

          Col ]:)

    • #2581938

      Do you really thing you are smart? take test

      by dadspad ·

      In reply to Friday yuk – 50 Cool Things About Being a Man and other groaners

      See how you do with this test.

      http://www.flashbynight.com/test

      Good luck, remember, quickness counts. :^0

      Dad

      • #2581932

        I am

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Do you really thing you are smart? take test

        10.9% smarter than average. Go me!

      • #2593628

        I got 28

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Do you really thing you are smart? take test

        And that after four beers. 57% smarter than average.

        😀

        • #2593599

          Well, sure

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to I got 28

          But I look good in a skirt. 🙂

        • #2593470

          And you’re saying that I don’t?

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Well, sure

          Well, you’re right. Unlike jd, I don’t have the legs for a skirt. Or the inclination to wear one…

        • #2594401

          You’re right

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to And you’re saying that I don’t?

          I shouldn’t have implied that you wouldn’t look gorgeous in a skirt…

        • #2593447

          font..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to I got 28

          does the font get smaller the further down we go???

          🙂

        • #2594394

          It was the beer.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to I got 28

          Didn’t you know that beer makes you smarter?

          Alcohol kills brain cells. Clearly, the weaker ones, leaving you with the smarter brain cells. 4 beers would have made you MUCH smarter so you cheated.

          I did a little bit better than Mae (not as good as Neil) but I also don’t look good in a skirt. I know this because somebody drew one on a picture of me in a bathing suit once.

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