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    • #2456769

      Keep Earth Clean

      by bizzo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      Saw this on a festival wristband a couple of years ago:

      “Keep Earth Clean, It’s Not Uranus”

      • #2456460

        Planet name change

        by dr dij ·

        In reply to Keep Earth Clean

        In the year 3000, on a Futurama episode where the professor is using his ‘smelloscope’ to scan the heavens, we find out that the planet Uranus had its name changed, to avoid that very joke.

        It is now called “Urectum”

    • #2456766

      on that note:

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      Ban the Infernal Combustion Engine!
      it is causing our children to have asthma and allergies from birth with the poisons it spews into the atmosphere.

      forget the “climate change” issues, look at how the toxins have caused a huge increase in sick children, and clean up your act to save the children.

      edit to add:

      I know, not funny. some medical studies have made that claim though, more than most want to believe.

    • #2456729

      Things to do during a dull meeting

      by bizzo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      1 – Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand and whisper: ‘can you feel it?’ from the corner of your mouth
      2 – Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval
      3 – When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute half a biscuit to each of the attendees.
      4 – Wear a hands free phone headset throughout. once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: ‘I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!’
      5 – Write the words ‘he fancies you’ on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen
      6 – Respond to a serious question with: ‘I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast’
      7 – Use Nam style jargon such as ‘what’s the ETA?’, ‘who’s on recon?’ & ‘Charlie don’t surf’
      8 – Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly
      9 – Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting onit when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp
      10 – Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you ‘love this dirty town’
      11 – Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute
      12 – Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat
      13 – Reflect sunlight into everyones eyes off your watch face
      14 – Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth
      15 – Hum ‘We’ll meet again’ throughout
      16 – Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes
      17 – Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such
      as:’what’s the margin, marvin?’
      ‘When’s this turkey going to get basted?’
      ‘If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors’
      18 – Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids
      19 – Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda.
      Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda
      .1. Trample the weak
      .2. Triumph alone
      .3. Invade Poland.
      20 – Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch
      21 – When referring to someone in the room always call them your ‘homey’
      22 – Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout ‘I AM NOT FINISHED’

    • #2456706

      I had a trophy wife

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      last place.

      • #2456692

        well, in my case

        by critch ·

        In reply to I had a trophy wife

        I say that my first kid was born with a broken arm…. from trying to hang on until after the wedding…

      • #2456689

        My ex inspired me to go far,

        by locrian_lyric ·

        In reply to I had a trophy wife

        and the more I thought about her, the farther I went.

      • #2456680

        I still miss my ex-wife

        by critch ·

        In reply to I had a trophy wife

        ….but my aim is getting better.

      • #2456676

        I should’ve known it

        by critch ·

        In reply to I had a trophy wife

        I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between us.
        After all, I’m a Virgo and she’s a bitch.

      • #2456675

        My ex-wife once met me at the door in a see-through nightie.

        by critch ·

        In reply to I had a trophy wife

        It’s too bad she was just getting home as I was leaving for work.

        • #2456578

          My ex-wife

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to My ex-wife once met me at the door in a see-through nightie.

          only had sex twice before she met me … with the football team and the marching band.

        • #2456571

          My ex-wife

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to My ex-wife

          only had sex twice before she met me… with her school and mine….

        • #2456567

          My ex-wife

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to My ex-wife

          When we were married, she used to get mad when I introduced her as “my first wife “. I just don’t understand women.

        • #2456540

          I once went three days without saying a word to my ex.

          by locrian_lyric ·

          In reply to My ex-wife

          I hated to interrupt her.

        • #2456512

          Me and my ex

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to My ex-wife

          used to do it ‘doggie’ style … I’d sit up and beg, and she’d roll over and play dead.

        • #2458739

          to close

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Me and my ex

          to be funny… :p

        • #2456533

          Two of my friends were comparing their exes

          by rfink ·

          In reply to My ex-wife once met me at the door in a see-through nightie.

          The first one said, “Mine’s an angel.”

          The second one said, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

        • #2458735

          Wives

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Two of my friends were comparing their exes

          One man “Got a truck for my wife”.

          Second man “good trade”!

          😀

        • #2458729

          One Man

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Wives

          got a truck for my wife

          second man — how far did she get

          One Man — dragged about 65 feet

      • #2456674

        She was a great housekeeper, too.

        by critch ·

        In reply to I had a trophy wife

        When we divorced, she kept the house.

      • #2456666

        On-Line Dating

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to I had a trophy wife

        A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he’d quit — seems they’d matched him up with his wife.

        • #2456656

          Divorces and Twisters

          by nubbs17 ·

          In reply to On-Line Dating

          What does a divorce and a twister have in common in Oklahoma? Someone’s going to lose a trailer!

        • #2456625

          Why are divorces so expensive?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Divorces and Twisters

          you get what you pay for, and it is worth every penny! 😀

      • #2456648

        My ex could make a man into a millionaire!

        by locrian_lyric ·

        In reply to I had a trophy wife

        Provided he was a Billionaire to begin with

      • #2456478

        So does that mean

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to I had a trophy wife

        That you liked girls at one time?

        • #2456472

          No, she was only for show!

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to So does that mean

          :^0

          And apparently a bad one at that :0 :^0

        • #2456449

          Oh I get it

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to No, she was only for show!

          One of those squeaky women with a permanent look of shock on her face.

          I always find them full of cold air, and I am always left out of breath.

          Haven’t tried an electric air pump yet though.

        • #2456447

          :^0 JD and his inflateable wife (trophy)

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Oh I get it

          I wonder, was it a mantlepiece size?? – :0 :^0

        • #2458957

          DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to :^0 JD and his inflateable wife (trophy)

          and at least she didn’t have much to say…. 😀

        • #2458786

          So your perfect date

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          would be a ‘Mute’???

        • #2458771

          yes….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          while yours is best blind? :p

          [i]edited to add “ZZZIIINNNNGGGGGG”!!!!

          😀

        • #2458764

          Needs to be blind

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          to not get too scared of the ‘size’ of things :0

        • #2458568

          Blind?

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          Scummy One: I think you’re confusing being blind with her need for a sense of humour.

          As for me, deaf, dumb, blind, all of the above, etc. I am too politically correct to descriminate that way….well rigormortis is out but that’s about it.

        • #2458505

          “Quick! Help me get her inside

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          while she is still poseable” – Duckman

          And because I am in a romantic mood today, some love songs….

          http://www.imeem.com/people/Dj6uIF/music/Ach_sH-4/alice_cooper_i_love_the_dead/

          http://www.imeem.com/people/HiUstW/music/IVNICoC4/alice_cooper_cold_ethel/

        • #2566619

          Ahhh the Coopster!

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          and what a great choice of tunes too, at least you didn’t go with the standards, very well done indeed, I’m much impressed!

          You can always tell a noob, poser or wannabe when they ramble off one or two commercial tunes and don’t really know a back catalogue.

          AC/DC and Judas Priest are always good ones too, the posers choose Shook me All Night Long and Turbo, the real deal always picks something like Bad Boy Boogie and Victim of Changes respectively.

          But seriously, keep her out of the sun, top her up (with air) every day or two to keep her toned and try spraying her all over with a little PAM before play, less squeaking and chaffing.

        • #2566546

          Thanks for the tips Oz

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          It is always great when people share the little secrets they have discovered along the way. That sharing of knowledge is what makes TR so great……

          :p

          Do you prefer butter or olive oil spray? 😀

          I have never been a fan of the “hits”. If it makes the radio, it is rarely something I listen to once I own the cd/cassette/LP. One of many reasons why I don’t listen to the Metalicats newer stuff. I am glad they are enjoying their commercial success, but they will do it without me.

        • #2566436

          Hmmm

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          I thought it was common knowledge to use motor oil as it has a longer lifespan :0

          I guess I will need to experiment with Olive Oil and Butter Spray. How would Crisco fare?? Anyone know? I know, more work as its not a spray, but it should have some longevity.

          But remember, do not use bacon fat, you get zits in the wrong places :0 :^0 :^0

        • #2566175

          EVOO

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

          Extra virgin olive oil, my pref anyway.

          More metal news, not only is Rush here this month and Maiden here next month, and Alice Cooper here in Sept., but JUDAS PRIEST is coming back AGAIN, on Jusy24th.

          On other news, AC/DC have been in Vancouver recording their next album, Brian Johnson has gone back to Australia now but Malcom and Angus are still lurking in town finishing up some work for the late 08 release and 2009 WORLD TOUR!!

          First studio album for AC/DC in 7 years, phew, I thought they’d never get to it.

          With all teh 80’s acts on tour now, I’d say it’s a revlolution, just as Halford said.

        • #2458958

          I was hoping for

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to No, she was only for show!

          “best in breed”, but it didn’t work out that way….. :p

        • #2458914

          Mermaids

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I was hoping for

          Why are mermaids always depicted with the upper torso of a woman and the lower half of a fish when what I’d want if I were a sex-starved seadog is the other way round: a bottom half that functions and a top half that doesn’t talk.

        • #2458885

          Can’t say as I have ever

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Mermaids

          sat around thinking about the sexual urges of seadogs, nor of the functionality of mermaids……

          :0

        • #2458485

          Really? Why not?!?!

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to Can’t say as I have ever

          I mean, HMS Bounty is on the TV, you look at em all and think, “I bet they “gang” up on the little one at night….” It just sorta happens, you don’t have to actively plan it all out…
          And mermaids, everyone looks at em and says “Id hit that… if I could..”
          And then there is the old Snow White and the Dwarfs….
          I think all fairy tales are just sex and violence references, thinly veiled with a story.

        • #2458785

          :0 :0

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I was hoping for

          which breed exactly???

        • #2458744

          I figured she was a shoe-in for

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to :0 :0

          best bitch in show? 😀

        • #2458690

          Ah, so a ‘True’ Canine

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I figured she was a shoe-in for

          Are you sure you want to add bestiality to your online persona??

          :^0 :^0

        • #2458660

          It was my fault actually

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I figured she was a shoe-in for

          because all I heard was the show was open to all bitches, and I figured I had a winner for sure! B-)

          How was I to know? ;\

        • #2458648

          :^0

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I figured she was a shoe-in for

          .

    • #2456702

      Parrot joke …

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

      “What do they say?” the priest inquired.

      “They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

      “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

      “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time.”

      Thank you,” the woman responded, “This may very well be the solution.”

      The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.

      As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

      Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

      After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers!
      Do you want to have some fun?”

      There was stunned silence.

      Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
      “Put the beads away, Frank . Our prayers have been answered!”

    • #2456685

      18 bottles

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
      wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
      else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
      withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
      sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
      cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
      of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
      bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
      cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
      glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
      drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
      sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
      corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
      When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
      the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
      twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
      had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not under the
      affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as
      you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the
      drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

      • #2456679

        Watch where you walk…

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to 18 bottles

        A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last
        tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
        bathroom he decided the latest pang was another false alarm. Unfortunately, he was wrong and he completely filled his bed
        up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly
        face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
        sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by
        the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing
        and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
        The security guard asked:
        “What’s going on?” To which the drunk replied: “I just beat the shite out
        of a ghost.”

        • #2456672

          I like monkeys

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Watch where you walk…

          I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
          thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
          to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

          I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name
          was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
          They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they
          punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

          I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new
          environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
          speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
          lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

          Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
          all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead. Kinda’
          like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap
          monkeys. I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
          over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
          looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

          I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I
          had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

          I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
          while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
          bad.

          I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn’t want
          to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

          I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
          there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
          them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
          it didn’t all go bad.

          I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
          extinguish the fire.

          Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
          my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
          wasn’t improving.

          I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
          bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

          I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
          allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one.
          He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen
          ones.

          I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
          friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
          but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
          genitals.

          I like monkeys.

        • #2456668

          More monkeys

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to I like monkeys

          Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
          So they can hide in cherry trees.

          What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
          A monkey eating cherries.

        • #2456661

          Why don’t they let …

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to More monkeys

          blind people skydive?

          Scares the hell outta the dog.

        • #2566610

          Tarzan

          by ozi eagle ·

          In reply to More monkeys

          How did Tarzan Die?

          Picking cherries.

    • #2456647

      Why did the ___ cross the road?

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      Why did the man cross the road?
      He heard the chicken was a slut.

      Why did the punk-rocker cross the road?
      He was stapled to the chicken.

    • #2456620

      When I was younger, I hated going to weddings…

      by hoagiebp ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      My parents’ friends, my aunts, pretty much anyone older than me would constantly poke me in the ribs and say, “You’re next.”

      They stopped that crap when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

    • #2456618

      Was this engineer upset?

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      Funny Check

    • #2456617

      Girls — Please have a sense of humor!

      by hoagiebp ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

      FOR EXAMPLE:

      One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’

      I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’

      So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

      ‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’

      She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’

      Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

      The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’

      We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

      I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all
      dear, let’s go to the cashier.’

      I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’

      Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’

      I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’

      And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’

      Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.

    • #2456611

      Catholic Shampoo

      by hoagiebp ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine,
      and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second
      nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she
      would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she
      would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to
      the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, “This is for
      washing our hair.” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
      counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. “The
      curlers are on me.”

      • #2458724

        Ah yes….

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Catholic Shampoo

        I used to work in a gas station when I was a young pup.

        Some kids came in and asked for some “cigarette rolling papers”.

        who are you kidding, ya little burnout? 😀

        [i]true story

        • #2458717

          Terminology

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Ah yes….

          I walked into a shop once and asked for a bong, I was politely informed that they dont sell ‘bongs’ there, only ‘water pipes’ — who are they kidding?

        • #2458715

          :^0 :^0 :^0

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Terminology

          They sell pipes and other “accessories” at the local cigar shop…..

    • #2456566

      How to tell if your new bride is a virgin…

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

      Two guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding… “I’m not sure if
      my future bride is a virgin or not.”
      His buddy replies, “Oh, there’s an easy test for that. All you need is
      some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and
      one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says ‘Those are
      the funniest balls I’ve ever seen!’ you hit her with the shovel!”

    • #2566446

      Me like.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk:

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