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April 25, 2008 at 12:28 am #2146800
Friday Yuk:
Lockedby lindamarie · about 15 years, 11 months ago
I am starting the Friday Yuk off with a word from the US President about Earth Day.
http://www.helpdesknotes.com/2008/04/friday_funnies_earth_day_for_g.html
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April 25, 2008 at 2:19 am #2456769
Keep Earth Clean
by bizzo · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
Saw this on a festival wristband a couple of years ago:
“Keep Earth Clean, It’s Not Uranus”
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April 25, 2008 at 3:44 pm #2456460
Planet name change
by dr dij · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Keep Earth Clean
In the year 3000, on a Futurama episode where the professor is using his ‘smelloscope’ to scan the heavens, we find out that the planet Uranus had its name changed, to avoid that very joke.
It is now called “Urectum”
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April 25, 2008 at 2:34 am #2456766
on that note:
by jaqui · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
Ban the Infernal Combustion Engine!
it is causing our children to have asthma and allergies from birth with the poisons it spews into the atmosphere.forget the “climate change” issues, look at how the toxins have caused a huge increase in sick children, and clean up your act to save the children.
edit to add:
I know, not funny. some medical studies have made that claim though, more than most want to believe.
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April 25, 2008 at 5:39 am #2456729
Things to do during a dull meeting
by bizzo · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
1 – Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand and whisper: ‘can you feel it?’ from the corner of your mouth
2 – Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval
3 – When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute half a biscuit to each of the attendees.
4 – Wear a hands free phone headset throughout. once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: ‘I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!’
5 – Write the words ‘he fancies you’ on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen
6 – Respond to a serious question with: ‘I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast’
7 – Use Nam style jargon such as ‘what’s the ETA?’, ‘who’s on recon?’ & ‘Charlie don’t surf’
8 – Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly
9 – Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting onit when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp
10 – Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you ‘love this dirty town’
11 – Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute
12 – Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat
13 – Reflect sunlight into everyones eyes off your watch face
14 – Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth
15 – Hum ‘We’ll meet again’ throughout
16 – Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes
17 – Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such
as:’what’s the margin, marvin?’
‘When’s this turkey going to get basted?’
‘If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors’
18 – Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids
19 – Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda.
Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda
.1. Trample the weak
.2. Triumph alone
.3. Invade Poland.
20 – Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch
21 – When referring to someone in the room always call them your ‘homey’
22 – Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout ‘I AM NOT FINISHED’ -
April 25, 2008 at 6:11 am #2456706
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April 25, 2008 at 6:57 am #2456692
well, in my case
by critch · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I had a trophy wife
I say that my first kid was born with a broken arm…. from trying to hang on until after the wedding…
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April 25, 2008 at 7:19 am #2456689
My ex inspired me to go far,
by locrian_lyric · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I had a trophy wife
and the more I thought about her, the farther I went.
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April 25, 2008 at 7:28 am #2456683
“I am so miserable right now
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to My ex inspired me to go far,
it is as if you were here right now”
😀
I used to tell the ex to watch it, because she was still under warranty. B-)
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April 25, 2008 at 7:29 am #2456682
“How can I miss you
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to “I am so miserable right now
if you won’t go away?”
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April 25, 2008 at 7:33 am #2456677
You were meant for me!
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to “How can I miss you
(Perhaps as punishment)
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April 25, 2008 at 8:26 am #2456649
I just wanted to say I’m sorry…
by locrian_lyric · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to “I am so miserable right now
…we ever met.
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April 25, 2008 at 10:28 am #2456575
My wife and I are happily married
by jiminpa · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to “I am so miserable right now
She’s happy and I’m married 😀
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April 25, 2008 at 10:33 am #2456572
Married Ms Right
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to My wife and I are happily married
didn’t realize her first name was “Always”…
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April 25, 2008 at 10:39 am #2456568
The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women
by jiminpa · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Married Ms Right
is the possibility of inadvertently catching one
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April 25, 2008 at 11:54 am #2456541
My ex was a perfect angel…
by locrian_lyric · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to “I am so miserable right now
Constantly harping on me, and always up in the air about something.
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April 25, 2008 at 7:31 am #2456680
I still miss my ex-wife
by critch · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I had a trophy wife
….but my aim is getting better.
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April 25, 2008 at 8:37 am #2456642
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April 25, 2008 at 11:57 am #2456538
If I ever run into my ex…
by locrian_lyric · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I still miss my ex-wife
I’ll slam the car in reverse, for good measure.
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April 25, 2008 at 7:34 am #2456676
I should’ve known it
by critch · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I had a trophy wife
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between us.
After all, I’m a Virgo and she’s a bitch.-
April 25, 2008 at 8:38 am #2456640
Or as Sam Kinnison said
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I should’ve known it
“a demon from hell”
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April 25, 2008 at 12:58 pm #2456514
not just A demon
by tonythetiger · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Or as Sam Kinnison said
Satan is preparing for my ex’s arrival … ’cause he knows he’s going to lose his seat.
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April 25, 2008 at 7:35 am #2456675
My ex-wife once met me at the door in a see-through nightie.
by critch · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I had a trophy wife
It’s too bad she was just getting home as I was leaving for work.
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April 25, 2008 at 10:23 am #2456578
My ex-wife
by tonythetiger · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to My ex-wife once met me at the door in a see-through nightie.
only had sex twice before she met me … with the football team and the marching band.
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April 25, 2008 at 10:35 am #2456571
My ex-wife
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to My ex-wife
only had sex twice before she met me… with her school and mine….
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April 25, 2008 at 10:40 am #2456567
My ex-wife
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to My ex-wife
When we were married, she used to get mad when I introduced her as “my first wife
“. I just don’t understand women. -
April 25, 2008 at 11:55 am #2456540
I once went three days without saying a word to my ex.
by locrian_lyric · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to My ex-wife
I hated to interrupt her.
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April 25, 2008 at 12:59 pm #2456512
Me and my ex
by tonythetiger · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to My ex-wife
used to do it ‘doggie’ style … I’d sit up and beg, and she’d roll over and play dead.
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April 28, 2008 at 10:40 am #2458739
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April 25, 2008 at 12:07 pm #2456533
Two of my friends were comparing their exes
by rfink · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to My ex-wife once met me at the door in a see-through nightie.
The first one said, “Mine’s an angel.”
The second one said, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
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April 28, 2008 at 10:42 am #2458735
Wives
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Two of my friends were comparing their exes
One man “Got a truck for my wife”.
Second man “good trade”!
😀
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April 28, 2008 at 10:50 am #2458729
One Man
by the scummy one · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Wives
got a truck for my wife
second man — how far did she get
One Man — dragged about 65 feet
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April 25, 2008 at 7:36 am #2456674
She was a great housekeeper, too.
by critch · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I had a trophy wife
When we divorced, she kept the house.
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April 25, 2008 at 7:51 am #2456666
On-Line Dating
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I had a trophy wife
A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he’d quit — seems they’d matched him up with his wife.
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April 25, 2008 at 8:09 am #2456656
Divorces and Twisters
by nubbs17 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to On-Line Dating
What does a divorce and a twister have in common in Oklahoma? Someone’s going to lose a trailer!
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April 25, 2008 at 8:56 am #2456625
Why are divorces so expensive?
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Divorces and Twisters
you get what you pay for, and it is worth every penny! 😀
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April 25, 2008 at 8:28 am #2456648
My ex could make a man into a millionaire!
by locrian_lyric · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I had a trophy wife
Provided he was a Billionaire to begin with
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April 25, 2008 at 2:13 pm #2456478
So does that mean
by oz_media · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I had a trophy wife
That you liked girls at one time?
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April 25, 2008 at 2:28 pm #2456472
No, she was only for show!
by the scummy one · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to So does that mean
:^0
And apparently a bad one at that :0 :^0
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April 25, 2008 at 4:23 pm #2456449
Oh I get it
by oz_media · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to No, she was only for show!
One of those squeaky women with a permanent look of shock on her face.
I always find them full of cold air, and I am always left out of breath.
Haven’t tried an electric air pump yet though.
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April 25, 2008 at 4:30 pm #2456447
:^0 JD and his inflateable wife (trophy)
by the scummy one · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Oh I get it
I wonder, was it a mantlepiece size?? – :0 :^0
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April 27, 2008 at 8:43 pm #2458957
DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to :^0 JD and his inflateable wife (trophy)
and at least she didn’t have much to say…. 😀
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April 28, 2008 at 9:16 am #2458786
So your perfect date
by the scummy one · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
would be a ‘Mute’???
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April 28, 2008 at 9:43 am #2458771
yes….
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
while yours is best blind? :p
[i]edited to add “ZZZIIINNNNGGGGGG”!!!!
😀
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April 28, 2008 at 9:56 am #2458764
Needs to be blind
by the scummy one · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
to not get too scared of the ‘size’ of things :0
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April 28, 2008 at 10:58 pm #2458568
Blind?
by oz_media · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
Scummy One: I think you’re confusing being blind with her need for a sense of humour.
As for me, deaf, dumb, blind, all of the above, etc. I am too politically correct to descriminate that way….well rigormortis is out but that’s about it.
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April 29, 2008 at 5:10 am #2458505
“Quick! Help me get her inside
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
while she is still poseable” – Duckman
And because I am in a romantic mood today, some love songs….
http://www.imeem.com/people/Dj6uIF/music/Ach_sH-4/alice_cooper_i_love_the_dead/
http://www.imeem.com/people/HiUstW/music/IVNICoC4/alice_cooper_cold_ethel/
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April 29, 2008 at 9:09 pm #2566619
Ahhh the Coopster!
by oz_media · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
and what a great choice of tunes too, at least you didn’t go with the standards, very well done indeed, I’m much impressed!
You can always tell a noob, poser or wannabe when they ramble off one or two commercial tunes and don’t really know a back catalogue.
AC/DC and Judas Priest are always good ones too, the posers choose Shook me All Night Long and Turbo, the real deal always picks something like Bad Boy Boogie and Victim of Changes respectively.
But seriously, keep her out of the sun, top her up (with air) every day or two to keep her toned and try spraying her all over with a little PAM before play, less squeaking and chaffing.
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April 30, 2008 at 4:13 am #2566546
Thanks for the tips Oz
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
It is always great when people share the little secrets they have discovered along the way. That sharing of knowledge is what makes TR so great……
:p
Do you prefer butter or olive oil spray? 😀
I have never been a fan of the “hits”. If it makes the radio, it is rarely something I listen to once I own the cd/cassette/LP. One of many reasons why I don’t listen to the Metalicats newer stuff. I am glad they are enjoying their commercial success, but they will do it without me.
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April 30, 2008 at 8:20 am #2566436
Hmmm
by the scummy one · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
I thought it was common knowledge to use motor oil as it has a longer lifespan :0
I guess I will need to experiment with Olive Oil and Butter Spray. How would Crisco fare?? Anyone know? I know, more work as its not a spray, but it should have some longevity.
But remember, do not use bacon fat, you get zits in the wrong places :0 :^0 :^0
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April 30, 2008 at 8:55 pm #2566175
EVOO
by oz_media · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!
Extra virgin olive oil, my pref anyway.
More metal news, not only is Rush here this month and Maiden here next month, and Alice Cooper here in Sept., but JUDAS PRIEST is coming back AGAIN, on Jusy24th.
On other news, AC/DC have been in Vancouver recording their next album, Brian Johnson has gone back to Australia now but Malcom and Angus are still lurking in town finishing up some work for the late 08 release and 2009 WORLD TOUR!!
First studio album for AC/DC in 7 years, phew, I thought they’d never get to it.
With all teh 80’s acts on tour now, I’d say it’s a revlolution, just as Halford said.
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April 27, 2008 at 8:42 pm #2458958
I was hoping for
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to No, she was only for show!
“best in breed”, but it didn’t work out that way….. :p
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April 28, 2008 at 2:43 am #2458914
Mermaids
by neilb@uk · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I was hoping for
Why are mermaids always depicted with the upper torso of a woman and the lower half of a fish when what I’d want if I were a sex-starved seadog is the other way round: a bottom half that functions and a top half that doesn’t talk.
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April 28, 2008 at 5:47 am #2458885
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April 29, 2008 at 6:21 am #2458485
Really? Why not?!?!
by dumphrey · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Can’t say as I have ever
I mean, HMS Bounty is on the TV, you look at em all and think, “I bet they “gang” up on the little one at night….” It just sorta happens, you don’t have to actively plan it all out…
And mermaids, everyone looks at em and says “Id hit that… if I could..”
And then there is the old Snow White and the Dwarfs….
I think all fairy tales are just sex and violence references, thinly veiled with a story. -
April 28, 2008 at 9:17 am #2458785
:0 :0
by the scummy one · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I was hoping for
which breed exactly???
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April 28, 2008 at 10:36 am #2458744
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April 28, 2008 at 12:16 pm #2458690
Ah, so a ‘True’ Canine
by the scummy one · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I figured she was a shoe-in for
Are you sure you want to add bestiality to your online persona??
:^0 :^0
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April 28, 2008 at 1:28 pm #2458660
It was my fault actually
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I figured she was a shoe-in for
because all I heard was the show was open to all bitches, and I figured I had a winner for sure! B-)
How was I to know? ;\
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April 28, 2008 at 2:05 pm #2458648
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April 25, 2008 at 6:24 am #2456702
Parrot joke …
by older mycroft · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time.”
Thank you,” the woman responded, “This may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?”There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
“Put the beads away, Frank . Our prayers have been answered!” -
April 25, 2008 at 7:24 am #2456685
18 bottles
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.-
April 25, 2008 at 7:32 am #2456679
Watch where you walk…
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to 18 bottles
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last
tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
bathroom he decided the latest pang was another false alarm. Unfortunately, he was wrong and he completely filled his bed
up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly
face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by
the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing
and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard asked:
“What’s going on?” To which the drunk replied: “I just beat the shite out
of a ghost.”-
April 25, 2008 at 7:42 am #2456672
I like monkeys
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Watch where you walk…
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they
punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead. Kinda’
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap
monkeys. I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn’t want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn’t all go bad.I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn’t improving.I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one.
He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen
ones.I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals.I like monkeys.
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April 25, 2008 at 7:46 am #2456668
More monkeys
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to I like monkeys
Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
A monkey eating cherries. -
April 25, 2008 at 8:04 am #2456661
Why don’t they let …
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to More monkeys
blind people skydive?
Scares the hell outta the dog.
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April 29, 2008 at 10:22 pm #2566610
Tarzan
by ozi eagle · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to More monkeys
How did Tarzan Die?
Picking cherries.
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April 25, 2008 at 8:28 am #2456647
Why did the ___ cross the road?
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.Why did the punk-rocker cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.-
April 25, 2008 at 8:31 am #2456645
What’s the difference between a Demon and a Daemon?
by locrian_lyric · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Why did the ___ cross the road?
One lives in Redmond.
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April 25, 2008 at 12:31 pm #2456526
Why not?
by burget1 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Why did the ___ cross the road?
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He wanted to show his girlfriend he had guts.
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April 25, 2008 at 9:06 am #2456620
When I was younger, I hated going to weddings…
by hoagiebp · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
My parents’ friends, my aunts, pretty much anyone older than me would constantly poke me in the ribs and say, “You’re next.”
They stopped that crap when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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April 25, 2008 at 9:45 am #2456597
Haha
by pringles86 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to When I was younger, I hated going to weddings…
That is great, I am going to start doing that.
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April 25, 2008 at 9:07 am #2456618
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April 25, 2008 at 9:08 am #2456617
Girls — Please have a sense of humor!
by hoagiebp · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.’I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.
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April 25, 2008 at 9:17 am #2456611
Catholic Shampoo
by hoagiebp · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine,
and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second
nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she
would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she
would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to
the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, “This is for
washing our hair.” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. “The
curlers are on me.”-
April 28, 2008 at 10:57 am #2458724
Ah yes….
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Catholic Shampoo
I used to work in a gas station when I was a young pup.
Some kids came in and asked for some “cigarette rolling papers”.
who are you kidding, ya little burnout? 😀
[i]true story
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April 28, 2008 at 11:09 am #2458717
Terminology
by the scummy one · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Ah yes….
I walked into a shop once and asked for a bong, I was politely informed that they dont sell ‘bongs’ there, only ‘water pipes’ — who are they kidding?
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April 28, 2008 at 11:13 am #2458715
:^0 :^0 :^0
by jdclyde · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Terminology
They sell pipes and other “accessories” at the local cigar shop…..
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April 25, 2008 at 10:46 am #2456566
How to tell if your new bride is a virgin…
by bubba69 · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to Friday Yuk:
Two guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding… “I’m not sure if
my future bride is a virgin or not.”
His buddy replies, “Oh, there’s an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and
one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says ‘Those are
the funniest balls I’ve ever seen!’ you hit her with the shovel!”-
April 29, 2008 at 7:01 am #2566917
HAAHAHAHH!
by dumphrey · about 15 years, 11 months ago
In reply to How to tell if your new bride is a virgin…
OMG that killed me!
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April 30, 2008 at 8:12 am #2566446
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April 30, 2008 at 8:22 am #2566435
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