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  • #2231524

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by oz_media ·

    Suggestive, Adult humour, not for the very easily offended, read at your own risk.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Kids - What can we do with them A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: " What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND Y'ALL !!! 😀

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    • #2665074

      Funny Tech Video

      by lindamarie ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

    • #2664955

      A boy and his dog

      by dmambo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog’s privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, “You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck.”

      The boy nodded in agreement and said, “But then there wouldn’t be a siren.”

    • #2664921

      Nice one Oz, some politics ok?

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      [i]A Hillary Joke!![/i]

      Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Iowa to do some last-minute campaigning.

      After her talk she offers a question time.

      One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is: “Kenneth.”

      “And what is your question, Kenneth?”
      I have three questions:

      First – whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop
      during your husband’s eight years in the office as President?

      Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

      Third – whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

      Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

      When they resume, Hillary says, Okay, where were we?

      Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?

      A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. “Larry.”

      “And what is your question, Larry?”
      I have five questions:

      First – whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop
      during your husband’s eight years in the office as President?

      Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

      Third – whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

      Fourth – why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

      AND

      Fifth – what happened to Kenneth?
      —————————–

      Have agreat weekend all 🙂

      Rob

      • #2664914

        Just a question about politics

        by rob mekel ·

        In reply to Nice one Oz, some politics ok?

        A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ?What is politics??

        Dad says, ?Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I?m the breadwinner of the family, so let?s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she?s the administrator of the money, so we?ll call her the Government. We?re here to take care of your needs, so we?ll call you the people. The nanny, we?ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we?ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,?

        So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

        Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents? room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny?s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ?Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.?

        The father says, ?Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.?

        The little boy replies, ?Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.?
        ———
        Any recognition :^0 🙂 😉

        Rob

        • #2662237

          some more politics

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Just a question about politics

          Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Peraly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,”Waht are all those clocks?”

          St.Peter answerred, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move”

          “Oh,” said Rumsfeld, “Who’s clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have nerver moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredable,” Rumsfeld said. “And who’s clock is that one?” St.Peter answerred,”That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life”

          “Where is Bush’s clock?” asked Rumsfeld

          “Bush’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan”
          ——–
          Not much differences between democrats and republicans, is there ?:| 😉

          Rob

        • #2640444

          Same joke, different president.

          by jessie ·

          In reply to some more politics

          There seems to be a common thread there…

    • #2662220

      I love to fish

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      About 5 minutes after an Okie & his new bride checked into the
      honeymoon suite of a fishing resort, the new groom passes thru
      the lobby with all his fishing gear, headed for the river.

      The desk clerk waves him over. “Hey buddy” he says, “shouldn’t
      you be upstairs making love to your new bride?”

      To which the Okie says, “Can’t, she’s got gonorrhea the doc says
      no sex for another month. But it’s OK because I love to fish”

      The next morning, the Okie is on his way thru the lobby with his
      fishing gear. Trying to be helpful, the clerk waves him over and
      says. “Since you can’t have vaginal sex, maybe you could try anal
      sex.”

      To which the Okie says, “Can’t, she’s got diarrhea the doc says
      no anal sex for another month. But it’s OK because I love to
      fish”

      The following morning, again trying to be helpful, the clerk
      waves the Okie over on his way thru the lobby. “Since you can’t
      have vaginal sex or anal sex, maybe you could coax her into
      performing oral sex for you” he says.

      To which the Okie says, “Can’t, she’s got pyorrhea her dentist
      says no oral sex for another month. But it’s OK because I love to
      fish”

      The clerk asks the Okie incredulously, Let me get this straight,
      your new bride has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea why the hell
      would you marry a girl like that?

      “Well” says the Okie, “she’s got worms too, and I love to fish!”

      • #2662101

        Dawg

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to I love to fish

        Always nice to get a taste of your sick and two[isted humour on a Friday. I think I’ve missed a few Yuks, needed that, cheers!

        Have a good weekend.

      • #2662083

        Liked this one Dawg

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to I love to fish

        Sent it to the wife, today is our anniversary and she has a good sense of humor.

        I would post the wmv file she sent me, but do not have a site to post to.

        • #2662070

          see if this site works

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Liked this one Dawg

          [video src="http://s232.photobucket.com/albums/ee266/nowmypics/?action=view&current=excitingweddin1.flv" /]

          Someone really enjoyed his wedding.

    • #2662081

      A few funnies…

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Two nuns are driving down the highway, when, out of nowhere, a Vampire lands on the front hood of their car and is facing them through the windshield. The two nuns begin to panic when one nun yells to the other, ?Do something! Show it your cross!?

      The nun in the passenger seat agrees, leans out the window in rage and yells, ?Get the f&^k off the windshield!?

      ———-

      Q: Why don?t they teach driver?s ed and sex ed on the same day in Iraq?

      A: They don?t want to wear out the camel.

      ————

      A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.

      The bartender says, ?Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie??

      The pirate replies, ?Aye! It?s driving me nuts!?

      ———————

      The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what?s up.

      ?He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn?t find the cough syrup,? the clerk explains. ?So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.?

      ?Laxatives won?t cure a cough, you idiot,? the owner shouts angrily.

      ?Sure it will,? the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. ?Look at him. He?s afraid to cough.?

      —————–

      What do you do if you see your wife having a seizure in a bathtub?
      Throw in a load of laundry.

      ————–

      Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?

      A: Kick his sister on the chin.

      ———-

      A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

      When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

      Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. ?How would you like it if you didn?t see me for two or three days??

      To which he replied. ?That would be fine with me.?

      Monday went by and he didn?t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

      ———-

      Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member who is 104 years old. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

      ?Well, back in 1944 in Africa,? the old man starts, ?we went big-game hunting. Didn?t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I?ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this?RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just crapped my pants.?

      The young men are amazed. One of them says, ?I don?t blame you. I?d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!?

      The old man shakes his head and says, ?No, no, not then?just now when I said roar!?

    • #2652525

      A moral/ethical dilemma

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

      1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
      2. An old friend who once saved your life.
      3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

      Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading THINK!!!!! THINK!!!!! THINK!!!!! THINK!!!!! THINK!!!!! THINK!!!!! THINK!!!!! THINK!!!!! THINK!!!!! THINK!!!!!

      This is a Athat was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

      The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”

      Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to Think Outside of the Box.”

      HOWEVER….

      The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few drinks.

      I just love happy endings!

      • #2652503

        I thought the answer was

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to A moral/ethical dilemma

        run over the old lady to put her out of her misery
        have sex with the perfect partner, then shove her in the trunk for later
        and go have some beers with the old friend…
        well, close enough I guess! :^0

        Hmmm, I should recall that, cause then she wouldnt shut up!

        Hmmm, unless you then pimped her out! :0

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