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    • #2525545

      Good One

      by rob miners ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      verrrry clever.

    • #2525522

      The Vista Chair :)

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      Just to show how much we all love windows.

      http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070331

      I do like the anology 😀

      —————————————–

      Try This!!
      This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can’t!!!
      1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

      2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

      • #2525433

        Smart foot

        by gsg ·

        In reply to The Vista Chair :)

        I did it and didn’t have any trouble keeping my foot going clockwise. I must be brain damaged.

        • #2525428

          Damn :(

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Smart foot

          I’ve been trying it for about 3 hours now and still everytime my foot goes anti-clockwise. I wanna be brain damaged too 🙁

        • #2518911

          shovel

          by gsg ·

          In reply to Damn :(

          Here’s how you do it
          1) Select shovel (one with a wide base is best)
          2) Find drunk friend
          3) Give friend shovel
          4) Ask friend to repeatedly and forcefully apply shovel until your eyes cross.
          5) Go to hospital and heal
          6) Repeat as necessary until the proper level of brain damage has been reached

        • #2525427

          Left-handed maybe?

          by rpip ·

          In reply to Smart foot

          .

        • #2525422

          Well

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Left-handed maybe?

          I’m right-handed but even if I try it with my left foot the same thing happens so I dont think thats a factor.

        • #2518240

          Are you by any chance blond??? :^0

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Well

          .

        • #2522026

          Errrrr :8}

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Are you by any chance blond??? :^0

          I was born blonde, but started going brunette between 12-13, that makes me not a natural blonde right??

          Edited to add – I just remembered I forgot to ask, why you wanted to know? and what was the blonde thing I done??

        • #2521928

          If you have to answer the question

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Errrrr :8}

          You will never understand the answer….. :p

        • #2521912

          But I really want to know :(

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Errrrr :8}

          I’m not thick honest 🙁 It just takes me longer to catch on to things (like jokes or mistakes) thats not a blonde thing is it?? oh please tell me I dont have a blonde brain 🙁

        • #2521903

          Yup!!!Definitely a blond right down to your roots.[i][b]LOL[/i][/b] ;) :^0

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Errrrr :8}

          JD is totally right.

          [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

        • #2521894

          I still dont get it :(

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Errrrr :8}

          I’m confused, and I was only blonde until I was 13 anyway so I can’t still act blonde, really, can I??

          Arrgghh I hate men, they mess with my mind! :_|

        • #2521884

          It’s genetics. It’s in your genes and, probably, your jeans.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Errrrr :8}

          Symptoms: physically challenged by simple tasks.
          General clutziness in performance of simple things.

          Need we go on???

        • #2521876

          No I think you pretty much got it all :(

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Errrrr :8}

          So does that mean I can blame my mum?? She’s a natural blonde, so can I say it’S her fault and get away with it??

      • #2525417

        This one is my favorite so far

        by zen37 ·

        In reply to The Vista Chair :)

        http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20030115

        Thanks for giving me something good to kill this friday with. 😛

      • #2525392

        I think this only works in australia?

        by downrighttired ·

        In reply to The Vista Chair :)

        my foot just made a wider o when i did it

        • #2518787

          But I’m in Germany

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I think this only works in australia?

          🙂

        • #2518650
          Avatar photo

          And remember the females use a different side of their brain to males

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to But I’m in Germany

          But in your case I’m not sure what will happen as you claim to be a [b]61 Year Old Dirty Old Man Impersonating a 12 Year Old Girl[/b] so anything is possible. :^0

          Dam that Shelly I’ll have to remember that her maths is so bad that you should never take any notice of her. 🙁

          Col ]:)

        • #2522023

          If Shell’s maths is so bad

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to And remember the females use a different side of their brain to males

          Maybe I’m a 16 year old male impersonating a 12 yr old girl.

          That doesn’t make me sound AS bad! 😀

        • #2521879
          Avatar photo

          But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to If Shell’s maths is so bad

          61 year old male impersonating a 12 year old Blond did she? :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2521874

          But, But, But :_|

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          I’m tired of being male now, I’ll admit I smuggled in a laptop and GG only let me use it if I pretend not to be me, oh how she’s going to torture me now 🙁

          And I’m not blonde, really I’m not 🙁

        • #2521871
          Avatar photo

          Stefan as Steffi would have said to JD

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          I think that you protest too much to be believable. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2524179

          But I AM a girl :(

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          And stop telling everyone I’m blonde 🙁

        • #2524108
          Avatar photo

          Well what can you expect?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          After all you are the one who claimed to be a 61 year Old Dirty Old Man attempting to impersonate a 12 year old girl so you must be blond to even want to think of something as sick as that. :0

          [b]We present the Facts and allow you to decide.[/b] :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2524100

          Ok it’s all blown out of proportion!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          I was trying to direct attention away from me, but it didnt work 🙁

        • #2524934

          Whoever you are

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          doesnt really matter right now. Cause Steffi is in the desert somewhere without an Internet connection.
          You already told us you were a 61 yr. old pervert impersonating a 12 yr. old girl. So get over it now! We know the truth, so leave it at that.

          Whether or not you are a true blonde, or bleach blonde from this point does not matter as well. We are not interested in a blonde 61 yr. old male.

        • #2524762

          But what if…..

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          I’m really a stunning big breasted 21 year old nymphomaniac pretending to be a 61 year old dirty old man pretending to be a 12 year old girl???

          Would you like me then??
          😉

        • #2524721

          The magic number is “8”

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          Works for me. By the way, were there any words after the first 8?

          (Edited because I can.)

        • #2524631

          I always like nymphomaniacs

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          🙂

        • #2524617

          So its nymph’s especially one’s that ROAR for you then?? ;)

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          :p

        • #2524602

          Me personally? No! I was speaking abstractly about more Impure folks.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          I am far too Pure to speak of that kind of thing regarding myself. I was speaking hypothetically about some hypothetical male that would think that way.

          As you should well know, I put women up on a pedestal and admire them for their Virtues.

        • #2524578

          OOOh, do that again Steffi!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          ROAR 🙂

        • #2524452

          The secret, Steffi

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          is to fine one with high standards and low morals.

          Won’t do something with anyone, but will do anything with someone…. ]:)

          And if we take the 12 times 61 divided by 21, you average out to a 35 year old blonde with medium upper mommy parts. Hopefully (unlike Mae) you don’t ALSO have the lower daddy part… :0

          [i](Mae, did you ever get yours removed?) [/i] 😐

        • #2524450

          JD..why should I?

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          I make more money. And it seems to be a license to act like a complete a$$hole without any repercussions.

        • #2524301

          JD, Thank You

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to But Stefan Shelly didn’t do the maths to come up with the

          For the fantastic advice 😀

          However, I am in need of about 5 men (minimum) is it possible to find more than one of these type??

          And as for having mummy and daddy parts, damn that would be fun 🙁

        • #2524105

          No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to If Shell’s maths is so bad

          .

        • #2524098

          But but but!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          Damn how many times am I going to have to protest in this yuk??

          ok 1 – I am NOT male, I was trying to wind up Col but it backfired on me 🙁

          2 – I am NOT blonde I was until I was 12 then I kinda grew out of it.

          3 – I am NOT a bottled brunette, it was that colour before I died it so theres no attempt at AI there!!

          but really I’m not blonde thick am I?? please say im not 🙁

        • #2524076
          Avatar photo

          Don’t worry My Dear

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          We have the technology to make you whatever you want to be. 😀

          So what would you like to be and I’ll organise the operation to start shortly. :p

          But as you claim that you where blond till you where 12 and Shelly continues to insist that you are 12 what’s the problem?. You know what they say about blond females the hair colour cause their brain to shrink and the lost mass moves to the chest to give them all bigger Breasts! :0

          And back in the Old Roman Days women would do almost anything to have blond hair as it singled them out as being professionals and highly sought after. :^0

          Even Marilyn insisted that [b]Blonds Have More Fun![/b] :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2524073

          Ahh I must admit!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          It doesnt bother me what colour you think my hair to be, but there all calling me blonde as in dumb blonde. I dont wanna be picked on anymore :_| what did I do to deserve all this bullying :_| I just wanted you all to like me :_| Oh woe is me!!

          As for sacrificing the brain to get bigger boobs, hey I could live with that! I only want and increase of two sizes I’d be happy with DD’s 😉 So I only have to lose a small portion of my brain, ooh can they take it from my ass instead?? Thats big enough to give me F’s!! 😉

        • #2524068
          Avatar photo

          Well those who suffer from FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          Tend to get accepted as Blonds for some strange reason. :p

          As for Breast Size Changing no you can not chose where the stuff comes from God Made thing work that way Blonds have smaller brains and bigger breasts to make up for their diminished mental functions. But if you are really nice to me I know a surgeon who can perform work like that. He’ll suck all the fat out of where ever you like and inject it back in where you want it. The only down side is that he’s a [b]Dirty Old Man[/b] and demands pictures of before and after and then 6 months after the successful operation has been completed and everything looks normal again. He once did a job on one woman who could no longer stand up without support but when she fell forward she couldn’t touch the floor with her face. :0

          Oh BTW he doesn’t settle for still pictures he wants movies. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2524063

          Thats OK

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          I’m willing to make pron errr medical movies 😉

          Now the question, how much does he charge and will he give me discount if I let him be the first to “test” out the new boobs??

        • #2524049

          Steffi…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          “methinks thou dost protest too much!”… at least on the blonde thing 😉

          edit for fat fingers

        • #2524034

          Ahhhh!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          Using that sentence against me huh??

          But I do like girls!!
          oops wrong one :0 but im not blonde!! thats what your accusing me of right?? I get so confused so easily!! :p

        • #2524030
          Avatar photo

          Steffi how big do you really want to go?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          He’s retiring in a few months maybe.

          Depends on if he can sell his practise before he reaches 65 but if he can’t then there will be no big deal he’ll work in the Public Hospital System and I can arrange the Hospital for you but you’ll have to pay the airfare here.

          As he’ll be asleep now and up in about 6 hours I’ll send a message to his pager and organise a Hospital Time for you.

          I just need to know do you have any medical conditions other than being blond? As this may affect the time that you are on the table but a few tight wrappings will keep things where they should be and you’ll look great after he finished though you may be unable to stand without support. 😀

          Knowing this guy you may need a trolley just to support all that extra weight on the front of you till you can undergo enough phyiso so you can actually stand up without leaning back at a 60 degree angle. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2524024

          Well

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          If he can take it from anywhere, I do have a few spare pounds (or stone) that I would be willing to let him take away from me, I have a feeling that I will never see my shoes again, but thats no problem 😀

        • #2524010
          Avatar photo

          Not a problem then My Dear

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          I’ll organise everything tomorrow or latter today as it’s now about 1.30 am. 🙁

          I’ll send you a E-Mail with the Hospital Date and what time you have to turn up there to be admitted. I’ll also throw in a copy of a enlargement that he has done but only if you promise not to look while at work. Actually it will not matter look anytime that you please as if you are caught at work it will mean immediate dismissal and that’s probably what you’ll need to get here in time for the Hospital. So they can escort you out the door to the airport and you can hop on a plane to AU straight away. :0

          I’m going to get some shut eye now and I’ll send the admitting times and any special stuff that you need to bring along after I’ve spoken to him. BTW as he keeps all this on his NB he’ll be bringing it to me to clean up and he insists on showing me the pictures. It’s a terrible job but someone has to do it. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2524933

          Well then Hal

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          If you need help with those pics, I will extend an offer.
          The more free porn the merrier… I mean before/after shows….

        • #2524741
          Avatar photo

          W2k I’ve just spent half the day organising the operation

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to No, not as bad perhaps but it does make you blond, very, very, blond :^0

          And they are not [b]Porn Photos[/b] they are Instructional Medical Photos so they are not looked at by the Censor under any circumstances. 😀

          Though some non-medical people may see them as Porn they really are not.

          I’ll let the person claiming to be Steffi tell you just how big she is going to end up after some therapeutic Cloning of Fat Cells removed from the But, Abs and Upper Thighs. It has the added advantage of this person never being able to put on any more weight in those areas as well because Fat Cells [b]Can Not[/b] be grown in an Adult Body so once they are injected into the Bust they will only make that area of the body bigger. :0

          Mind you on the down side this one will have to continually exercise to make sure that their Pelvis has enough muscle over it so that it doesn’t cut anything that it is up against to bits. :^0

          When the extended Operation is finished this one should look great but may have a slight problem in gaining access to aircraft because of the size that she will be in certain parts of the body if it is actually a female. :p

          Col ]:)
          [i]Edited to Add[/i] once this operation is finished no one will care if this one is Blond as their eyes will never get close enough to any areas with hair to notice. :^0

        • #2524734

          be very afraid

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to And remember the females use a different side of their brain to males

          i got aq call about a job in a financial company 🙂
          imagine me..programming maths ]:)

        • #2524722
          Avatar photo

          Shelly Steffi is going in for breast augmentation surgery

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to be very afraid

          And would like you to work out cup sizes from weight per breast if you contact her Via Peer Mail she will give you individual weights so you can work out the Cup Sizes.

        • #2524299

          Shell, The Problem Is….

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Shelly Steffi is going in for breast augmentation surgery

          Col, has promised me a boob job! Its the best one I’ve heard destroying my huge JLO a$$ in the process!!

          But I have a problem, I don’t know if they will be big enough, he said something about 150 kilos per breast, but I dont understand the metric system, you think I should ask for bigger??

        • #2523131

          roflmao

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Shelly Steffi is going in for breast augmentation surgery

          150 kilos each??
          depends on what look yer going for hun.

          lets see..let me see if i can get the math right..
          150/8 -(2.2*150)*12 (7/31) = 664.95 pounds

          PHOAR!!!!!!!!!
          if i were ye, i’d get the metal rods inserted along your spine at the saem time, saves having to go back in a month.

          at least its not a reductin..my sister went for that..
          ever have yer mom cut your hair? a little off this side, then the other side..ooops, 1 side is longer, trim it a wee bit..oops, not the other side is longer..etc etc

          she had to go 3 times to get them the same size..f*cking idiots..
          poor thing is still in a D cup though!
          *my family are blessed by the b00b fairy*

        • #2523115
          Avatar photo

          No that’s not right Shelly

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Shelly Steffi is going in for breast augmentation surgery

          The [b]Dumb Blond[/b] has got it all wrong again. What I have arranged it to add 150 Kilos per breast she’s forgotten to take into account the existing Breast Tissue that is already there. 😀

          What the Surgeon is prepared to do is use Liposuction to remove all the fat from the But, Upper Thighs and Abs then use Therapeutic Cloning to increase the mass to the desired amount/weight and then proceed to inject this in till all is used so that will add approx 150 Kilos to each breast and not have any possible rejection problems or allow Steffi’s breasts to look like water wings which is common with conventional Breast Augmentation Surgery. :p

          I have warned her about the required exercises and the need to keep a lot of muscle around her pelvis to prevent the bone cutting things to shreds when she pushes against them with her pelvis.

          But the end result should look good a large Bust thin waist no fat on the hips Bum or upper thigh and no developing stomach to deal with. :0

          But at that size some Countries Governments may class them as [b]Lethal Weapons.[/b] :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2523070

          Shell

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Shelly Steffi is going in for breast augmentation surgery

          The women in your family are welcome to come on by!!!

        • #2524718

          Depends on if you mean “financial” or “financial services”

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to be very afraid

          If you meant “financial services” then there is nothing to worry about, relatively speaking. You certainly couldn’t be any worse than the happy folks at Enron, right?

    • #2525515

      Some explanations please :-)

      by mdhealy ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      I found this quite amusing, but also suspect that as an American I was missing half the best jokes, just as a good friend’s Australian wife said “half the fun of watching Crocodile Dundee in an American cinema is realizing the audience missed half the jokes!”

      So I’d be grateful if some NZ reader could post some annotations to help us clueless Yanks get more of the humor!

      • #2518627

        explanations

        by half9 ·

        In reply to Some explanations please :-)

        Phar lap was a great racehorse. cribb mertins ect are rugby players. rod is rod stewart. rach is rachel hunter. rob is robbie williams. shania is s. twain, she just bought a big station in the south is. pierce was a inventor of the airplane. nz legend has it he flew before the wright bros by days. the other stuff is nz inventions.kiri is kiri te kanawa the opera singer. hope that explains some of it

    • #2525513

      Oh and half@…

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      If you add Friday Yuk to the tags of this you will get more people coming here and posting, and through the week its a lot easier to find if its got “friday yuk” as a tag 🙂

      • #2518623

        sorry steffi

        by half9 ·

        In reply to Oh and half@…

        will do it next time, ok.

        • #2522025

          You can still do it now :D

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to sorry steffi

          just edit your first post and you can add it to the tags, although I dont think it really matters now, as it seems everyone found us here anyway :p

          And you dont have to apologise, was just a bit of advice thats all 😀

        • #2521873
          Avatar photo

          Be Afraid Very Afraid Half

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to You can still do it now :D

          Mae with her shovel, Stefan with whatever he prefers who is currently impersonating Steffi and GG with her new Electric Cattle Prods will come chasing you if you do not edit your original listing to add the Friday Yuk Tag. ?:|

          Stefan is really a Blond so you never take his comments with any truth as he’ll do the exact opposite and not see a problem. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2524180

          I’m a SHE!!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Be Afraid Very Afraid Half

          I am really I am!!

        • #2524114
          Avatar photo

          So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I’m a SHE!!!

          I have another impure one to sell into slavery? :^0

          My Bank Balance hasn’t moved for a few days so another large deposit wouldn’t go astray and I plan to clean up the impure ones on TR even if I die trying but I’ll get rid off all the impurity first and them die knowing what a great service I’ve managed to achieve. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2524107

          It’s Steffi! Steffi I tell you!!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          And you won’t make anymore cash from us! I have a plan a top secret plan

        • #2524101
          Avatar photo

          So are you continuing to insist that GG

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          Is allowing you access to a computer when there is no Internet coverage in the middle of the desert and she is flat out keeping her Electric Cattle Prod charged? :0

          I think that I’ll have to start calling you [b]The Brain[/b] as you have delusions of overthrowing the world don’t you? :p

          Now if I just mix a bit of this with that and force it down this Lab Rats mouth lets see what happens. 😀 :^0 😀 :^0 😀 :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2524099

          Col, be careful of Steffi/Stefan. That’s what they all say. B-)

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          .

        • #2524091

          Dawg!!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          Stop causing trouble, you you trouble causer you!!!

        • #2524087
          Avatar photo

          Hi there Dawg

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          In an effort to clean up TR I’m selling all the impure ones into slavery and so far those have all been female with just JD as the current single exception but once he recovers from the operation to turn him into a Unix he can carry his deleted [b]Family Jewels[/b] around in a jar just as a reminder to behave. :p

          Currently I’ve got the good makings of a Harem in the middle of nowhere and I’ve got GG running the show as she’s gone completely mad with her authority and is continually zapping everyone that she looks at with an electric cattle prod to make them behave. Currently the thing which is supposed to last 3 days on the batteries is lasting 15 minutes so she’s really working hard to control the uncontrollable ones that shes now in charge of. :0

          See what I good thing that I’m doing to purify TR? 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2524033

          Col, I just got an update from a spy I sent in there…

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          It appears that GG found a box of little high voltage motors with slightly offset cams which cause them to vibrate when run. She attached one to the cattle prod and cranked the voltage down. The result can only be described as “climatic”. This appears to be the reason that she goes through power supplies so quickly.

          It also seems that she got the box of motors from some guitar salesman. I talked to the guitar salesman and he said that he had received an order for a guitar to be delivered to Liverpool and a box of motors to be delivered to the tent. He didn’t know who actually ordered them but it sounded like somebody pretending to be blonde.

          While he was there, he lost consciousness after falling into a hole. It appears that somebody was digging a tunnel under the back of the tent and there was a soft area. He had gone out back to “relieve himself” but fell through a soft place in the sand. Since certain portions of his anatomy were already exposed it appears that they were made use of until he passed out. He does, however, remember seeing several nuclear powered shovels.

          Another lead came from a driver who said he stopped in a parking lot next to a truck from Liverpool unloading boxes of motors into an underground electric train. The location of this train appears to be several miles from the tent but the train tunnel was aimed at the tent.

          What do you make of all this? ?:|

        • #2524025

          Dave!!!! Retract, quickly retract!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          I’m not saying that what you have written has any reason to worry anybody, but I suggest for your own safety you edit that post and just fill it with nonsence, quickly before anyone sees it!

        • #2524020
          Avatar photo

          Not too much of a problem Dave

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          The train is how I get then delivered so if GG has found out about it and is getting stuff delivered with the Sheik paying for it I’m not overly worried as it’s her head on the chopping block literally. 😀

          I would however warn that salesperson not to attend that place ever again as that Sultan isn’t at all happy when his mechanise is misused no matter how rabid they are and instant to be serviced, he’s kind of funny that way and as there is no one around any male caught there without reason and that is only the Unix that are there and me to check that the merchandise arrived in good working order they are in for a slight amount of trouble. :^0

          Some sales just are not worth the risk in lost limb or appendage so maybe it would be a good idea to warn this poor guy of what could happen to him if he’s caught. :0

          If the train wasn’t very big and air conditioned can you please let me know as that could be a problem that my client needs to know about. But keeping them there is his responsibility not mine and I believe that he’s very hard on those who try to escape something about cutting things off so that they will never be attractive to him again and will remain unserviced ever again or something like that I’m not really sure what he was on about and Honestly I don’t really want to know either. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2524716

          Please leave your message at the beep.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          Hi. You have reached the virtual eyes of the daveo 2000. Due to circumstances beyond most peoples’ control, the daveo2000 is not available right now. Service is expected to be restored soon so please do not send anyone to find out what the problem is since things will likely be working again by the time you get there. Also, there might be some after effects of whatever it was that went wrong and you just don’t want to risk getting caught up in that, now do you?

          Just don’t worry your little head about it and leave your message and, above all, don’t be nosey about the whole thing.

          Thank you and have a nice day.

          [i]beep[/i]

        • #2524314

          Once a blond always a blond – no matter what colour they dye it.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          The question is : Do the collar and cuffs match???

        • #2524298

          DAWG :0

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          I refuse to comment!!

          And I didnt dye it to get rid of the blonde, the blonde was already gone when I dyed it!!

        • #2591597

          But the deepest of roots is still blonde

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          so Dawg is correct, once a blonde, always a blonde…

          ducking for cover……… 🙂

        • #2591573

          Steffi, that’s what they all say!!!! :^0

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to So Stefan what are you trying to tell me

          .

    • #2525496

      add a tag to friday yuk so others can find it…

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
      Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers,
      which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had
      been stolen.

      He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
      caught it
      above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

      “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!” he yelled with
      surprising forcefulness.

      No one answered.

      “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back
      outside
      by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t
      like to
      have to do what I dun in Texas!”

      Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had
      another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the
      post.

      He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered
      out of the bar and asked, “Say pardner, before you go…what happened
      in Texas?”

      The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

      • #2525475

        hem you naughty!!! :p

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to add a tag to friday yuk so others can find it…

        You didnt put yuk in your tags either!!!

        And to make you even more naughty that joke was far too pure!! 🙁

        • #2525416

          actually i took it out…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to hem you naughty!!! :p

          I was thinking we only need one yuk….

          and you’re right… I must be slipping!

          Gotta fix that!

          Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

          The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

          The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

          The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”

          The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

          The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

          And the second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

          ~hem’s fumbling around trying to find the Gutter… can’t see because of the light of Purity shining through this thread~

          Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York’s finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

          “Oh God,” said the Queen, “that’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?”

          The doctor leading the tour explains, “I am sorry you?re Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn’t do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die”

          “Oh, I am sorry,” said the Queen, “I was unaware that such a medical condition existed.”

          On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

          “Oh my God,” said the Queen, “What’s happening here?”

          The doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

          ~i hear the dark side calling!~

          Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

          Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

          They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

          They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

          Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

          After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”

          The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

          ~”Luke, Luke, I am your Father!” No! No! No!~

          ~Viagra Quickies~

          A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price.

          His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: “Oh, $40 a year isn’t too bad.”

          ~

          Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you’re up all night.

          ~

          How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it’s a whole new bulb.

          ~

          If you’re depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn’t work, see a doctor!

          ~

          A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

          ~

          We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

          ~

          Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland – a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

          ~

          Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

          ~

          A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room, where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention he yelled out, “SUPER SEX! Super Sex!”

          The ladies yelled back: “Soup, Please.”

          ~

          The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

          ~

          New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.

          ~

          Viagra in Spanish, we’re told, is “viejos agradecidos” or “greated old guys” (sic).

          ~

          Viagra has been a big boon to ‘stand up’ comedians.

          ~

          The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he’s hard up.

          ~

          Viagra in chocolate bars – you eat it, She says, “Oh, Oh Henry!”

          ~

          A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: “Who put Viagra in the thermometer?”

          ~

          Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name “Pepperidge Firm”.

          ~

          Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

          ~

          Dan Quayle does not support Viagra. Quote: “I’ve been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It’s the worst suppository I’ve ever used.”

          ~

          Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.

          ~

          Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

          ~

          New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.

          ~

          For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they’re raising the dead!

          ~

          It’s been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great — but you look like Don King, afterward.

          ~

          A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking for two ‘hardened criminals’. They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code.

          ~

          Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems – they couldn’t close his coffin lid for 3 days.

          Even so, we’re told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

          ~

          Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

          ~

          The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

          ~What is thy bidding, my Master?~

        • #2525412

          Wonderful, absolutely wonderful!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to actually i took it out…

          Couldn’t of done it better myself, in fact when I get home I’m going to have to find something to try to out do you :p only 30 minutes until home time yeay!!

          But I welcome you with open arms dear you done us all proud 😀

        • #2525400

          quit bragging steffi

          by dryflies ·

          In reply to Wonderful, absolutely wonderful!!

          I am just 40 minutes in to my shift. 🙂 beam me to Germany!

        • #2525382

          17 minutes to go!

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to quit bragging steffi

          gotta like flex time!

          Computer Problem Questionnaire

          ? Describe your problem
          ? Now, describe the problem accurately.
          ? Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
          ? Is your computer plugged in? yes/no
          ? Is it turned on? yes/no
          ? Have you tried to fix it yourself? yes
          ? Have you made it worse? yes
          ? Have you read the manual? yes
          ? Are you sure you’ve read the manual? yes
          ? Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? yes
          ? Do you think you understood it? yes
          ? If ‘Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?
          ? What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
          ? If ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in.
          ? Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem?
          ? Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
          ? Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me?

          Things You Don’t Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:

          NO! Not that button!
          Do you smell something?
          I have never seen it do that before…
          Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
          What do you mean you needed that directory?
          Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
          The drive ate the tape but that’s OK, I brought my screwdriver.
          I cleaned up the root partition and now there’s lots of free space.

          You Might Be a Computers’ Support Technician if…

          * when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
          * you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
          * you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
          * after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
          * you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
          * you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
          * you look for the undo command after making a mistake.
          * you disdain people who use low baud rates.
          * you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
          * you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
          * you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
          * you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
          * you see a bumper sticker that says “Users are Losers” and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.
          * you know without a doubt that diskettes come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.
          * you have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track pad.
          * you are zen-like in your acceptance of users, realizing that there is no limit to the depths of cluelessness, and yet you help them anyway.

          ~Have a great weekend everybody, but it is time to go as I hear a beer or three calling my name!

        • #2522022

          I like to brag ;)

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to quit bragging steffi

          😉

        • #2525399

          thank you thank you

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to Wonderful, absolutely wonderful!!

          I dunno what happened! I just didn’t sound like myself! Speaking of the dark side:

          Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present…

          The Top 100 Things I’d Do
          If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

          1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

          2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

          3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

          4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

          5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

          6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.

          7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

          8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

          9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

          10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

          11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

          12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

          13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

          14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

          15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

          16. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

          17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

          18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

          19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.

          20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

          21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

          22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

          23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

          24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

          25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

          26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

          27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

          28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

          29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

          30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

          31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

          32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

          33. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

          34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

          35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

          36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

          37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.

          38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

          39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

          40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

          41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

          42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

          43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

          44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

          45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

          46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.

          47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

          48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

          49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

          50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

          51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

          52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

          53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.

          54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

          55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

          56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

          57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.

          58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

          59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

          60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

          61. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

          62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

          63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

          64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

          65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

          66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

          67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

          68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.

          69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

          70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

          71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

          72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

          73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

          74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.

          75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

          76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

          77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

          78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”

          79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

          80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

          81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

          82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

          83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

          84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

          85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”

          86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

          87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

          88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

          89. After I captures the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

          90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

          91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

          92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

          93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

          94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

          95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

          96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

          97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

          98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

          99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

          100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

          Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things I’d do. Other suggestions have been sent to me which didn’t quite make the Top 100 List. But they are still so good that I couldn’t bear to throw them out. Therefore, as an expression of gratitude, I have tossed them into…

          Cellblock A

          and

          Cellblock B

          This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach.

        • #2525402

          viagra in the waters.

          by dryflies ·

          In reply to actually i took it out…

          This song is hilarious!
          and how do you do that “tiny url” thing?
          http://www.themadmusicarchive.com/playlist.aspx?Show=MMS-19

          sorry, it is a must log in to listen but it was all I could find. If I posted my mp3 the music police would come confiscate my brain. (too Late:-)

        • #2525373

          Tiny URL

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to viagra in the waters.

          If you are using a tabbed browser, open a tab to http://www.tinyurl.com. Insert your long URL into the space provided and click the “Make Tiny” button. All it takes.

          I try to remember to keep a tab open while surfing TR but also remember- if it isn’t safe to open at work, you gotta tell the people. Tiny URL can cause one to open the wrong website with the boss too close!

        • #2525357

          Tig, Tiny Url has a preview option

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Tiny URL

          The second link option to allow a preview for when you have people that refuse to click on a link when they don’t know what it is.

          example: http://preview.tinyurl.com/39luy8

          you find out what the site really is, and then decide if you want to actually visit it or not.

          And yes, on a site like this, a warning is always good.

        • #2525354

          Didn’t know that

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Tig, Tiny Url has a preview option

          Max’s link I can recognise in it’s Tiny format. I avoid clicking it EVER. But I have been taken by surprise by a couple, thus the disclaimer.

          My biggest problem is that the force of senility is sometimes too great and I either forget to use Tiny URL or I forget to post a warning flag.

          This aging cr@p is for the birds!

        • #2525342

          Tig, I live to serve…

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Tig, Tiny Url has a preview option

          I only bother with tiny when the link is VERY long.

          As for “This aging cr@p is for the birds!”, that is what I understand from talking to Mae, but I always had to just take her word for it…. 😀

        • #2525323

          JD, you must really enjoy

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Tig, Tiny Url has a preview option

          The uncertainty of your life!

          You realise that the speculation about you and show tunes will become a topic of conversation AGAIN, don’t you?

          I can admit to aging. Mae is still young and incredibly hot. Don’t mix them up!

        • #2525311

          Tig, he just doesn’t get it

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Tig, Tiny Url has a preview option

          As long as you LOOK good, the age doesn’t matter.

          He may be slightly younger than me..but I’d bet I’m wearing the milage better. 🙂

          Speaking of which, my dermatologist gave me a presciption for Renova. It’s kind of like a peel. It takes a few days of flaky skin, but what is left is like 6 year old skin. Awesome. Now, all I have to do is get my slightly sagging eyelids lifted and I’ll have it made. 🙂

        • #2522035

          As long as your not this woman

          by ozi eagle ·

          In reply to Tig, Tiny Url has a preview option

          Woman goes to plastic surgeon to get a face lift.
          Op. goes well and she’s really pleased. The surgeon tells her that he has installed the latest innovation to make future lifts much easier, its a screw at the back of the head. He warns her to never play with this screw.

          A few years later this same woman goes back to the surgeon complaining about bags under the eyes.
          He takes one look and says that they’re not bags but her breasts, and if she continues to muck about with that screw she’ll wind up with a goatee.

          Herb

        • #2518821

          Thanks Tigger

          by dryflies ·

          In reply to Tiny URL

          .

        • #2518711

          For those times when simplifying things isn’t my goal I use hugeurl.com

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to viagra in the waters.

          This is what http://tinyurl.com looks like at http://hugeurl.com

          http://www.hugeurl.com/?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

          1540 characters.

          To get the full benefit (?) of this post you need to click “Print this Thread”.

        • #2518688

          Ah, I see

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to For those times when simplifying things isn’t my goal I use hugeurl.com

          Serious smart asses will rule the world!

          You’re funny…

          😡

        • #2518666

          Heyya

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          How’re YOU doin’?

          I opened Pandora’s Box, so to speak, when I decided to do some Spring cleaning and make room for my free printer.

          Holy crap do I have a bunch of sh… stuff!!! Yesterday I filled 5 large Tupperware tubs with stuff. That’s not counting the 6 tubs of stuff already out in the barn.

          Where does all of this stuff come from? I haven’t bought any stuff for awhile. I don’t remember bringing stuff home.

          Accumulating all of this stuff is like the opposite of washing socks.

          It reminded me of a George Carlin skit where he talked about traveling. When you travel to stay somewhere on a vacation you always take some version of your stuff with you. Then while you’re away you might take a little day-trip and you take along a smaller version of your stuff, etc.

          I’m getting down to just the stuff I need but I still have a little way to go.

          While doing THIS cleaning I realized how cluttered the barns are looking…

          I should be done Spring cleaning sometime this Fall.

        • #2518660

          Stuff versus Sh*t

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          Have you ever noticed that your stuff is STUFF but other people’s stuff is sh*t?

          So pack it all up and send it here. I will sell your un-needed stuff and turn it into funds for the 3 Day. Why bother with spring cleaning? load it up, pack it out, the 3 Day makes a profit. Everybody’s HAPPY!

          We’re going through the same kind of thing here. He refuses to install the new printer we got him because he still has ink for the old one.

          So you can’t even swing a cat in our office because of all the crap he has tucked into corners and all the stuff I have that is trying to get on shelves that only he can reach.

          If he doesn’t go back to work pretty soon, I will kill him. And no woman jury would convict me, either.

          GRRRR!

        • #2518654

          Tigger, I recommend Tide and Hefty bags :D

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          See Nick’s post below.

          If I get rid of any of my stuff I’ll need it so I’m keeping it as protection against that.

          I need to take a picture of this space when I’m all done. It’s funny how you can get one set-up and think it’s good for awhile and then you try something else then thinks THAT’s the way it should be.

          I think I have reached a new personal best. I have (glancing around) 7 good surge protectors (no UPS 🙁 )connecting all of my stuff.

          It’s a good thing my son is an licensed electrician because it would be like Green Acres here if he hadn’t put in new outlets.

          I actually have labels on both ends of all of my wired stuff too. Does THAT ever save a lot of time.

        • #2518628

          Labeling wires DOES save tons of time

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          Unfortunately the laziness part of my brain kicks in whenever I think about doing it. Then I end up playing on the 360 until I forget why I ended up on an MS product……..

        • #2518565

          I hear THAT about labeling W2kTech,

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          the laziness part. That’s why I label ’em right away. It’s that pay me now or pay me later thing. I use those peel off stickers and an ingenious labeling scheme I created.

          1,1; 2,2; 3,3; 4,4; etc.

          I do label transformers with the device they belong to because some manufacturers STILL don’t put the voltage on their device.

          If I didn’t already toss it, I’ve got something around here that doesn’t have the polarity marked either. WTF! I have nothing better to do with my day besides look up the manufacturers spec.’s on some two-bit POS.

          Uh… yes I do.

          Sometimes I take digital pictures of crap when I take it part for the first time so that I stand a good chance of putting it back together correctly.

          “WhereinthehelldotheseClass8boltsgo?”

          Stuff I learned from Martha Stewart.

          It’s an incredibly exciting life I lead ain’t it?

        • #2518494

          Incredible. All that AND

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          you still have time to deal with other things. I didnt think it was possible (until I gotta figure out what in the heck goes to what).

          yes, I know better, but I cannot have stuff (like labels, stickers, etc.). Because I used to always buy the stuff, and put what I didnt use away, never to be seen again until after I re-purchased the same stuff.
          then I would put it in a different spot so that I would have a 2 out of 60000000000 chance of finding it again.

          Finally, it will end up getting tossed cause ‘its old’ and ‘there are newer versions that are better’.
          So I just stop buying stuff like that mostly. Unless I need it ‘right now’.

        • #2518448

          W2KTech

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          Run, do not walk, and buy yourself a P-Touch and tape. You don’t need anything fancy, basic white will do.

          I bought one years ago for labeling servers and workstations and stuff. So far, they haven’t “upgraded” the design yet.

          And I can look up, slightly above eye level and see it. And even reach it.

          Try it. It will work for you.

        • #2518425

          Pretty fancy Tigger

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          Jealous? Let me check.

          Yep. I am, a little bit.

          I just use blank address labels and a pen.

          Edit: I forgot W2K misplaces stuff like that.

          I don’t do that too much. I try to put things back in the same place every time I get done with it even if it’s someplace weird, like keeping a roll of electrical tape on top of the microwave.

          Now that everything is picked up I’m kind of lost. I’m organized all right but I can’t find shlt! 😀

        • #2518420

          Hey Ropes

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          I will happily send you one and some tape. They go to sale price here pretty routinely and I always have cash in points with the local retailer.

          The laminated labels are great, especially if you are using a non bar-coded system. When we went to bar-coding, I had to retire the P-Touch to personal use only.

          They have one now with multiple fonts for scrapbooking. I keep looking at them and thinking I should get one. They’re PINK!

          Edit to add- Don’t do that “organising” thing. It’s bad for you. You won’t find things that you want and you will think you are senile. Just don’t go there.

          Training tomorrow. If the thunder in the distance is any clue, it will be “environmental” training. I hate that!

        • #2518417

          The strange part

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          I never forget where my cigarette lighters are!
          I have no problem finding my power tools, they are right under that pile of….
          I have only forgotten my badge for work 2x in 5 years.
          But when it comes to pens, labels, and organizing crap, I can never find them, even at work. At work I have a drawer with 3 boxes of pens because I lose them around my desk constantly. Heck, yesterday I lost 3, I swear there are pen gnomes living around my desk, but I can never find them……
          I am sooo bad with labels, that instead, at work I moved to post-its and have pads everywhere. then I tape them to whatever, it looks ugly though, and they tear easily.

          At home though, there is no room for stuff. I live in a double-wide mobile (renting) with 2 others. I got a garage size storage unit for us to split, we filled it up, and now it looks the same as when I had to clean last time. Funnt thing, I stopped buying stuff.
          Hmmm, what is this that I just kicked, oops, not mine!

        • #2518408

          Thanks for the offer Tigger :D

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          Those label-makers are great.

          One time I helped to set-up a tool-crib for a new Division, I forget how many Stanley-Vidmar cabinets we bought, 15 or so, from 6 to 12 drawers each.

          We had to label every tool storage location and it was Corporate SOP to buy three toolholders for every turret station, even if there were duplicates. :0

          That wasn’t MY idea. I don’t know why that company is hurting like they are right now. Hmmm…

          Anyway, we had five machine-lines with nothing but CNC equipment front to back so there were a LOT of tool-holders, replacement parts and tools up the wazoo, (not a good place for ’em either).

          I used one of those labelers so much I got “Nintendo thumb”. :p

          Nice units. And you are very nice for making the offer but I’ll decline. I do thank you though. 😡

        • #2521951

          And don’t forget, OTR,

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          the Amazing Troy-Built Chipper/Shredder.

        • #2521924

          Tony

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Ah, I see

          I’d probably go too far if I had a chipper/shredder. If you saw our first bonfire every year you’d know exactly what I mean.

          We threw a 36″ rusted steel door in there one year and never found anything that looked like it could’ve been a door when we cleaned the fire-pit later.

          “It’s not a bonfire unless you could see it from space.”

    • #2525461

      Black box voice recorders in autos

      by critch ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
      covertly funded a project, with the U.S. auto makers, for the past five
      years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders,
      in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUVs, in an effort to determine, in
      fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the
      crash.

      They were surprised to find, in 42 of the 50 states, the recorded
      last words of drivers, in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes, were: “Oh Sh##!”
      Only the states of Tennessee, South Carolina, Arkansas, Alabama,
      Georgia, Mississippi, West Virginia and Kentucky were different, where
      89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer. I’m gonna try
      somthin’.”

    • #2525426

      Tips from the Redneck “Book of Manners”

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      Tips from the Redneck “Book of Manners”:

      1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

      2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

      3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

      4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

      5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

      • #2525424

        Redneck dating tips

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Tips from the Redneck “Book of Manners”

        DATING (Outside the Family)

        1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

        2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wantin’ to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.” (always a good opener)

        3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

        4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “ya’ll shore don’t sweat much fer a fat broad.”

        • #2525421

          Redneck Wedding tips

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Redneck dating tips

          WEDDINGS

          1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

          2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

          3. Slipping in some tongue in the kiss DEFINITELY will get you shot.

          4. For the groom, at least, rent a tux . A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

          5. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

          6. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

          7. Don’t “dirty dance” during the dollar dance.

          8. During the dollar dance, don’t rub against the bride and say “OH YEEAAAAAHHHHH!”

        • #2525418

          especially if …

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Redneck Wedding tips

          [i]3. Slipping in some tongue in the kiss DEFINITELY will get you shot.
          [/i]

          … you’re the one who performed the ceremony!

        • #2525411

          especially if

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to especially if …

          your the father of the bride or groom…. :0

          [i]It is too bad we don’t know anyone that was from KY that could verify these, huh Mae? ;\

        • #2525408

          I’ve been

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to especially if

          married 3 times and have NEVER been inappropriately kissed by my father or father in law.

          There was this one time with my hot cousin, though…

        • #2525381

          So tell us more about her

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I’ve been

          your hot cousin, that is…. pictures! we want pictures!

          Yeah, I just heard a good hillbilly joke from a [b]hot geekette[/b], but it isn’t appropriate for this site, so everyone, just laugh anyways, knowing it is funny! B-)

        • #2525375

          Well

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to I’ve been

          she and I knew it couldn’t work. Tragically, she is no longer with us after an unfortunate accident at a family reunion. I won’t say what happened, but I will say that alcohol, tube tops and a three legged race with your own brother are NOT a good combination.

        • #2518874

          HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to especially if …

          nt

        • #2525379

          My Cousin’s wedding

          by locolobo ·

          In reply to Redneck Wedding tips

          The groom and his men wore new levis and white cowboy shirts. At least they took off their hats inside.

        • #2525359

          cowboy shirts?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to My Cousin’s wedding

          you mean a t-shirt? or the crazy flowery button up shirts?

          Did they have a mechanical bull there too? 😀

          When my bud got married, the groom and his men wore an ear ring. They were magnetic because NONE of them had piercings or tattoos (I was the only one with a pierced ear).

          This being a very conservative family, his parents were PISSED to think they all went out the night before and got their ears pierced! It was halfway through the night before they let anyone in on the joke.

        • #2525306

          wedding pranks

          by dspeacock ·

          In reply to cowboy shirts?

          a couple of memorable ones

          1. got the groom-to-be drunk the night before (nothing new there) shaved the right side of his head and the left side of his beard. Bride freaked out and is still looking for us (30 years later)…btw, they’re still married

          2. painted “help me” on the bottom of his shoes before a VERY catholic ceremony. Her parents were not impressed

        • #2518848

          Military wedding prank

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to wedding pranks

          I heard about a case when some guys in the same unit as a guy getting married got the groom drunk in a US base (may have been Hawaii), put him on a cargo plane with instructions to the crew and he woke up in Frankfurt.

          The bride, also military, found it funny. Good thing, I guess, since I expect she was allowed to carry firearms. :0

        • #2518807

          The button up kind,

          by locolobo ·

          In reply to cowboy shirts?

          all white. No mechanical bull, but the real thing wasn’t far.

        • #2518897

          OMG…

          by gsg ·

          In reply to Redneck dating tips

          I knew I was a redneck. I had a boyfriend in college and we went fishing on our first “date”. However, being a redneck, I baited my own hook, thank you very much.

        • #2518871

          True redneck story

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to OMG…

          Met someone about two months ago and we went out. She decided NOT to go out again because “I was not enough of a redneck”.

          Good advice I got was “run, not walk, but RUN away from that one!” (I did).

          It was, like, “sorry for having all my teeth and an education?” :0

        • #2518651

          She didn’t like your motorcycle?

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to True redneck story

          http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/Timber_Frame.jpg

          On a unrelated note: Paris Hilton just got sentenced to 45 days in jail. Why did I find that funny? I must ponder.

    • #2525419

      Women and Men

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      Why it’s cool to be a woman..

      We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

      We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

      When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

      Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

      We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

      We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

      Systems support men always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

      We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.

      We got off the Titanic first.

      Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

      We have total control over our eyebrows.

      We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

      It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mommy’s boy.

      We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

      The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts… and pool… and football.

      We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers… men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

      We know that games are fun, but don’t believe there’s a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our… womanhood.

      Taxis stop for us.

      We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

      We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

      We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

      We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

      And for the men..

      Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

      A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

      You can open all your own jars.

      Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.

      You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

      You don’t have to learn to spell a new last name.

      You can leave the motel bed unmade.

      You can kill your own food.

      You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

      Wedding plans take care of themselves.

      If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

      Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

      If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

      Everything on your face stays its original color.

      You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

      Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

      You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

      Car mechanics tell you the truth.

      You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.”

      Same work, more pay.

      Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

      Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.

      You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

      If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

      Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with “So, notice anything different?”

      You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

      You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

      You almost never have strap problems in public.

      You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

      The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

      You don’t have to shave below your neck.

      At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

      Your belly usually hides your big hips.

      One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

      You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

      You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

      Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

      • #2525407

        I always get a kick outta those!

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to Women and Men

        In the same vein, quotes about marriage:

        My wife and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, “I’m gonna make you the happiest woman in the world.” She whispered back, “I’ll miss you.”

        ——————————————-

        My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

        Henny Youngman

        ———————————————————-
        My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

        Rodney Dangerfield

        ———————————————————-
        A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

        Milton Berle

        ———————————————————-
        I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

        George Burns

        ———————————————————-
        I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”
        I asked her , “Where’s the car?” She replied, “In the lake.”

        Henny Youngman

        ———————————————————-
        Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

        Phyllis Diller

        ———————————————————-
        The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

        Henny Youngman

        ———————————————————-
        After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

        The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

        ———————————————————-
        When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
        ———————————————————
        I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
        ———————————————————
        My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

        ———————————————————-
        A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

        ———————————————————-
        Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
        You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

        ———————————————————-
        Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

        ———————————————————-
        A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
        The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

        ———————————————————-
        Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
        Dad: That happens in every country, son.

        ———————————————————-
        Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

        ———————————————————-
        A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
        The next day he received a hundred letters.
        They all said the same : “You can have mine.”
        ———————————————————
        A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.”
        “And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.
        “A billionaire.” she replied,

        ———————————————————-
        The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

        ———————————————————-
        A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,” Dad! I’ve found a woman just like mother”
        His father replied, “So what do you want? sympathy?”
        ——————————————————–
        Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

        ———————————————————-
        Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
        Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

        ———————————————————-
        If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

        ———————————————————–

        I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
        ———————————————————
        It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

        ———————————————————-
        Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
        ———————————————————
        A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman – and then, BAM!, it was all gone!”
        “What happened?” asked his friend. “My wife found out…”

        ———————————————————-
        Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
        ———————————————————
        I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
        I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

        ———————————————————-
        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

        ———————————————————-
        A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
        “Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I’m half dead.”
        ———————————————————
        Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
        They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

        ———————————————————-
        How do most men define marriage?
        An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

        ———————————————————-
        Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

        ———————————l————————-
        First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
        Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.
        ———————————————————
        The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

      • #2525350

        Ask a woman a simple question

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Women and Men

        How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

        One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don?t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn?t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they?ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

        But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!

        IT?S A WONDER WE HAVEN?T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE

        THERE ARE 12 FEET DEEP PILES THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS… I?m sorry… what did you ask me?

        • #2525328

          I can relate to that rant

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Ask a woman a simple question

          I think I’ve had that exact one before.

          Mine usually revolves around washing silver ware. No one washes the damn silver ware. It’s in the sink. The other dishes are washed. Why am I the ONLY person who seems to notice that the silver ware isn’t clean???

          I had to wash dishes this morning, can you tell? 🙂

        • #2518910

          help around the house

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I can relate to that rant

          I have teen boys, so you can imagine what it takes to get help.

          I got home yesterday, they were both on the computers.

          We break up my yard into sections because it is two city lots. Front, and back. front takes about 30 minutes, back about hour and a half. I told them someone will be doing the front and dishes, the other will be doing the back. didn’t care who did what, and the first one to get moving got to decide which they would do.

          Thing One came FLYING down the stairs. Thing two took a bit longer, but no sympathy. I told him that next time he comes home from school and SEES it needs it, to not wait for me to say something.

          While they did that, I fired up the grill. Made whole boneless chicken breasts, and then made them into buffalo breasts. mmmmmmmmmm.

        • #2518834

          Silverware?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to I can relate to that rant

          You need plates to carry more than one bit of food from the kitchen to the TV room. Once there, you can eat with your fingers. If you try to wash silverware you end up washing your hands too so why waste the energy? ]:)

          And have you noticed that paper towels make great chair arm covers?

        • #2518635
          Avatar photo

          Silverware who’s silly enough to actually use that?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I can relate to that rant

          Here all silver is banned and I give it away. 😀

          Unfortunately it returns with more friends than it left with. 🙁

          Currently all the silver here is hidden so that

          [b]1[/b] No One can see how black it’s gotten in the hermetically sealed containers that’s it in.

          [b]2[/b] No one needs to clean the rubbish after all cleaning the highly polished Alloy of the Ducati is a big enough job so why encourage [b]SWMBO[/b] to get other stuff cleaned & polished?

          [b]3[/b] I can only throw Silver so far and even the rubbish man returns it. 🙁

          [b]4[/b] I hate Silverware with a vengeance that is unequalled by anything else hence I keep giving it away to family members. Unfortunately when the die they think that I like the stuff and insist on leaving me the original item/s and much more in their wills. X-(

          [b]5[/b] No one will accept it as a donation to a charity as it’s way too expensive and everyone who gets offered this stuff thinks that I must be crazy. :0

          [b]6[/b] Stainless Steel doesn’t tarnish is easy to clean and always looks good as well as remaining sharp and the fork tongs don’t bend. It’s also much cheaper to replace when you eventually break it all as well.

          [b]7[/b] Owning Silverware is a very strong sign of Insanity. ;\

          [b]8[/b] When [b]SWMBO[/b] finally gets sick and tired of looking at the black silver and decides to clean it when I’m no where near home she uses a Toxic Chemical to clean it and leave a coating on it so that it will not need cleaning again for another 10 years.

          That about covers everything as I hate the stuff with vengeance.

          After all if I have to clean and polish [b]SWMBO[/b] mag wheels on the cars that I give her why should it be expected that I like polishing other things?

          Col ]:)

        • #2518750

          O.o

          by it.padawan ·

          In reply to Ask a woman a simple question

          did somebody bug my house?

        • #2522104

          True story

          by ozi eagle ·

          In reply to Ask a woman a simple question

          Asked my wife if she’d like a cup of tea.

          Her response

          I feel crook, my tummy is dong backflips. Its been this way since breakfast.

          Me

          So that means you don’t want a cuppa?

          Her

          No I do want a cuppa!

          What’s wrong with “Yes (please – optional if you want to be polite)”?

          Herb

        • #2521965

          A question ozi

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to True story

          where is “VI” ?

          Sure wish TR would and a friggen COUNTRY space!

          As for the wife, it isn’t what they SAY that counts, it is what they MEAN. Of course, we don’t understand either, so it doesn’t really matter….. B-)

        • #2521910

          A couple of hints…

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to A question ozi

          “I feel crook” is pure Strine.

          “VI” is Victoria, a state in Australia. It’s the bottom one opposite Tasmania. Yeah, I know, you don’t know where Tasmania is…

          TR [b]does[/b] have countries now and that’s why GG and I are GB and Colin is AU. Colin used to use QU (to stand for Queensland). Oh, that’s another Australian state, before you ask.

          Neil 😀

          Supplied free of charge by NITS ™ because it’s a bank holiday and I have the day off and it’s been pissing down all morning! Next person to cheerily cry “good for the garden” will lose teeth as I only have a window box.

        • #2521907

          Good for the window box??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to A couple of hints…

          Dont worry Neil, although I have been experiencing weather in the high 20’s and at times mid 30’s in the past 3 weeks its also raining here too 🙁 although I dont have the day off work today, as we had 1st May off instead and it was about 29? then 😀

          I’m not rubbing it in, i’m really not :p

        • #2521892

          And what exactly

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Good for the window box??

          is it your NOT rubbing, and where are you NOT rubbing it? :0

        • #2521878

          Wouldn’t you like to know ;)

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Good for the window box??

          You’ll just have to use your imagination :p

        • #2521902

          Quick! Run out side!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to A couple of hints…

          And take a bar of soap with you!

          Think how much water you can save if you were to use this as at an opportunity to bathe? ;\

          Of course, this might affect your popularity with your neighbors….

        • #2521898

          So, what I think you’re suggesting

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Quick! Run out side!

          is that taking my clothes off on the grass outside my flat is going to [b]reduce[/b] my popularity with the neighbours.

          You’re making a few assumptions, here…

          Neil 🙂

          The sun has come out and the rain has stopped! I’m off out to buy something…

        • #2521895

          Oh, come one Neil

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Quick! Run out side!

          we both know you couldn’t REDUCE what they think of you….

          That is the great thing about other peoples low expectations, they are easier to exceed!

          Enjoy that shower… ;\

        • #2540957

          Thanks for enlightening JD

          by ozi eagle ·

          In reply to A couple of hints…

          I’ve gone and edited my profile to try and get AU in there, somewhere.

          Herb

        • #2524102

          Unlike many “yanks”

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Thanks for enlightening JD

          I at least TRY to understand….. 😀

          I have an idea, TR should allow you to have a link that brings up a map of the country and state/providence/territory!

          I was going to load google earth 4, but my work system can’t handle it… 🙁

      • #2518828

        3 pairs of shoes?

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to Women and Men

        What are the other 2 pairs for? ?:|

        • #2518795

          I have Sandals and Hiking Boots

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to 3 pairs of shoes?

          but sandals do not count as shoes do they???

        • #2518794

          Of course they do

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to I have Sandals and Hiking Boots

          sandals make up an important part in the show wardrobe. sheesh.

        • #2518778

          Ok. That is 2. What is the third?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Of course they do

          NT as in No Third.

        • #2518767

          although these shouldnt count

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Ok. That is 2. What is the third?

          slippers for around the house in Winter…
          there, 3rd.
          I wear my hiking boots to work.
          I wear the sandals in the yard.
          I wear slippers in winter and barefoot in spring/summer/fall indoors.

        • #2518375

          footware

          by half9 ·

          In reply to I have Sandals and Hiking Boots

          I live in jandels [flipflops] for the U.S people. in winter I wear sox with them inside. summer I go everywhere in them. my wife is from the U.S and she cant understand it. just the cheap rubber ones. and the longer you wear them they get thinner and mould to your feet,and get real comfy then you start to feel stones ect through them and its time to trade up to a new pair

        • #2518364

          For Me

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to footware

          my Sandals straps break, thats when I get a new pair. I keep getting leather sandals, and then play with water and continue walking around a bit and doing things.

          For the shoes, when my socks start getting wet from walking in small puddles, its time for a new pair. I usually find out after a rain walking into work one morn…

          And the slippers, this is my first pair, they have lasted 2 winters so far, and look good for another.

        • #2541068

          that depends

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to I have Sandals and Hiking Boots

          on whether you wear socks with them!

        • #2540990

          He11 No!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to that depends

          what, wear socks with…with sandals??? What kinda fool would do that???

          I use them for yard work mainly.

          Socks — sandals — never heard of this kind of insanity before

        • #2540901

          socks and jandals

          by half9 ·

          In reply to He11 No!

          I wear them with socks, inside in winter, as slippers

        • #2524144

          just look for the…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to He11 No!

          old farts at the beach! 🙂

    • #2525313

      101 ways to annoy your co-workers

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      Leave a stack of old applications and a note saying, ?Install these?

      Staple your reports in the wrong corner

      Put tape over the mouse optics

      Unplug a co-worker?s monitor

      Talk to sick employees while wearing a dust mask

      Turn your earphones up all the way

      Burn popcorn in the microwave

      ?Forget? to put your tuna sandwich in the fridge

      Turn up the beep volume of the copier
      Empty the paper out of the main printer/copier

      Empty the ink or toner out of the main printer/copier

      Practice beat boxing

      Sing show tunes (This is one JD is good at)

      Hang up the phone before they say, ?good bye?

      Slurp hot coffee during meetings

      Walk around the office barefooted (I do this one)

      Empty out a co-workers office on a Friday afternoon

      Misplace peoples pens

      Insert a 3.5? disk before they turn on their computer

      Glue their mouse to the desk

      Leave an open can of tuna in their desk

      Make a screenshot of their desktop and use
      it as their screensaver

      Turn up the contrast on their monitor

      Talk in a funny accent

      Use goofy event sounds for your programs

      Chant, ?Yeay, I got mail!!? every time you get a new email

      Print out a phony pink slip and leave It in their mailbox

      Send flowers from one co-worker to another

      Start your car remotely when someone walks by it

      Insist on people to have a great morning

      Leave hole punches all over

      Leave your lunch garbage in other people?s cans

      After each sip give a refreshing, ?Ahhh?

      Put salt on someone?s mouse pad

      Set a password on someone?s screensaver

      Carry on a conversation with someone two cubes down

      Smirk when a co-worker walks by

      Eat half of someone?s lunch

      Swap co-worker?s chairs

      Fake stomach flu during a meeting and need to abruptly leave three or four times

      Stare deeply into your co-workers eyes when they talk to you

      Take all the ice out of the community freezer

      Listen to comedy tracks and laugh
      hysterically

      Hit all the floor buttons when you leave the elevator

      Make hissing sounds into the phone and insist you have a bad connection

      Flip the left and right mouse button defaults

      Take out the ball in the mouse

      Eat sunflower seeds

      Tell a long story without a point

      Tell a co-worker you liked their hair better last week

      Anonymously send flowers to a random co-worker

      Bring Cheetos for food days

      Drag your feet when you walk down the halls

      Exclaim your co-worker didn?t wash his hands when leaving the restroom

      Eat stinky foods when you have lunch at your desk

      Practice drumming on your desk

      Use too many paper clips

      Fill out your time sheets incorrectly

      Set your mobile phone to an obnoxious ring tone

      Forward chain letters and other spam to co-workers

      Express your political views at length

      Whisper loudly

      Come to work sick

      Drink the last cup of coffee without making a new pot

      Answer your mobile during meetings

      Stand over someone while they are on the phone

      Sneak up behind someone

      Mess with the thermostat

      Give everyone a pistol wink when they walk by

      Gradually turn down the volume on someone?s phone

      Leave unusual print outs on the printer

      Throw out other people?s prints

      Juggle office supplies

      Write all your memos on bright colored paper

      Be overly nice to people

      Hide whiteboard erasers

      Chew gum while talking on the phone

      Regularly update everyone on the current weather

      Read your emails aloud

      Leave the fridge open

      Shake up cans of pop in the fridge

      Leave fingerprints on the copier glass

      Whistle all day long

      Wear too much cologne/perfume

      Type loudly

      Wear bright colored clothes

      Give everyone a nickname from a TV show

      Do the sneaky walk around the office

      Peer over the cube and wait for a co-worker to look up and notice

      Use the intercom and page yourself

      Swap the regular and decaf coffee

      Hide the sugar and creamer

      Type emails in uppercase and excessive punctuation

      Refer to your garbage can as your in-box

      Stick pencils to the ceiling in other
      people?s offices

      Throw a bouncy ball in your office

      Tell the same story over and over

      Imitate regular sounds like a disc drive opening, door slamming or a mouse click

      Talk to your monitor as if it was a person

      Schedule meetings at 4:00pm

      Talk loudly with your earphones on when someone comes to talk to you

      • #2518900

        Things I do

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to 101 ways to annoy your co-workers

        I scare people all the time, but not on purpose (no, I do not look THAT bad!). Years of walking through the woods or something, but I don’t make noises when I walk. I have to tap on walls while I walk to keep from startling people…..

        friday and the end of the day, an empty tuna can in someones trash can. The cleaning people don’t clean until sunday night….

        when you drop a deuce, close the door behind you to save as much for the next person as possible.

        Someone put a “decaf” sign on the GREEN Maxwell house can, because it seems BLUE and GREEN is too subtle a hint. I moved the sign to the blue can.

        People ask if I had seen or talked to one of the co-workers. I instantly say “yes, but it was about a week ago.”

        Yes, as you can tell, it is a real pleasure to have me around all daze long….. 😀

        Everyone have a great weekend. Mae, drive careful! 😡

        • #2518895

          You, too!

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Things I do

          I won’t be driving, though. I’ll be riding and nagging at the driver. That’s my job. 🙂

        • #2518556

          wow, did that make me laugh

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to You, too!

          looking through the discussion notification and saw what LOOKED like you saying “You Tool”, but then I couldn’t find it in the discussion.

          Maybe being still drunk from the night before AND not puttin on my glasses wasn’t the best combination?

          It didn’t SURPRISE me that you would say tool, just was dying to see who you called it! 😀

          Oh yeah, the dart banquet went VERY well. Got three teams trying to recruit me for next season. B-) The big question, go with the heavy drinkers and have a grand time or go with the serious people and win? Decisions decisions decisions…..

        • #2518550
          Avatar photo

          JD just remember that Mae is the one performing your

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to wow, did that make me laugh

          Operation so you can be one of the Unix at the Harem where I’m selling all the impure TR Girls to so you will be her last attack with that dreaded shovel. 😀

          I’ve been told that some even survive Mae’s version of that operation and go on to live long empty boring lives watching nearly naked women training to please their owner and as they have had certain parts of their anonymity cut off can no longer enjoy the show. :p

          Currently GG is already there getting the place ready and is currently using a cattle prod to make the few arrived females do as they are told though as she exhausts 3 day batteries in 15 minutes I think that she’s enjoying herself way too much. Steffi when the Animal Tranquillisers wear off will be another Victim of GG demonic Rule of the Harem. :^0

          I’m going to clean up the impure ones here at TR if it taxes me out of existence. :0

          But as all the money coming in is paid directly into a Numbered Swiss Bank Account the AU Tax man will never know what’s happening so I’m just going to be very rich and maybe even retire from working with computers all together. Purifying TR will be my parting present to everyone here. 😡

          OH BTW Mae will be joining you shortly when I have no further use for her here at TR between her and GG the pair of them should scare all the women into submission quite easily. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2518528

          “live LONG” with a short?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to JD just remember that Mae is the one performing your

          so the rest will all come up on the “short side of the stick”? :0

          They were complementing me on my nice bracelet collection as I was packing, until I told them they weren’t bracelets, they were c#@k rings..

        • #2521960

          I’d rather

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to wow, did that make me laugh

          have fun.

          Although, winning is always good, too. Tool. 🙂

        • #2521949

          Ah Mae :x

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I’d rather

          Why aren’t there more like you out there? ;\

          😡

        • #2521868
          Avatar photo

          One good reason JD

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Ah Mae :x

          I think that I understand Mae and that just not possible as a male can never truly understand a Female. :0

          It would make way tooooooooo much sense if we could understand everything that was meant by the females as then they would be saying what they mean and not be expecting us to understand what it is that they are saying which never has any connection to what they actually mean. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2521843

          We’re out there

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Ah Mae :x

          It’s just that we hide most of the time. Self preservation..

          And Col, I’m easy to understand because I nearly ALWAYS say exactly what I mean. It makes things so much less complicated. Sure, sometimes it bites me on the ass, but I don’t care, I prefer to be the way that I am.

          Edited to add: Okay, when I’m being a smartass, I’m not really saying what I mean. But that doesn’t count. The trick is to know the difference.

        • #2521818

          I think Col just came out of the closet??? :0

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Ah Mae :x

          [i]”I think that I understand Mae and that just not possible as a male can never truly understand a Female.”[/i]

          A male can’t understand a female, but YOU DO???

          :0

          Now THAT is funny!!!!

          B-) :^0 ;\

        • #2521787

          You know what they say..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Ah Mae :x

          takes one to know one..

        • #2521784

          Sorry Mae, but…..

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Ah Mae :x

          I am afraid I don’t understand what you mean.

          Hey Col, can you explain this? :p

        • #2541153

          JD..don’t play dumb. It’s not attractive

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Ah Mae :x

          Ohhhh..Unless that’s how you lure them in? Is that your trick? Bat your eyes and play dumb and innocent?

          I’ve got you all figured out.

        • #2541148

          BUT MAE… :0

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Ah Mae :x

          I’m NOT playing… um, I mean I’m not dumb!.. un, I’m not not dumb and/or playing dumb! I just don’t understand you! :p

          :0
          [i]
          Edited to add:[/i] This was MUCH funnier when it was ME teasing Col….

        • #2524106
          Avatar photo

          Sorry JD that’s no closet

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Ah Mae :x

          It’s a bloody great big Bomb Shelter that can survive a Nuclear blast at ground zero. It’s the only place that I can think could be safe from Mae’s shovel. :0

          Col ]:)

      • #2518832

        It is your fault, Mae.

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to 101 ways to annoy your co-workers

        I have never pulled the mouse trick on anyone before but one of my direct reports is out on vacation…

      • #2518810

        More ways to annoy coworkers

        by dryflies ·

        In reply to 101 ways to annoy your co-workers

        switch everybody’s phone numbers.

        plug a cordless keyboard in to their PC and help them type from across the room.
        put the BSOD scrrensaver on their system.

        take a screenshot of their desktop. move all their desktop items into a folder on the desktop, and then set the screenshot as their wallpaper.

        install a script that briefly changes their wallpaper to something inapropriate for about 3 seconds and then changes it back. set it to run at random infrequent times. (once every 20 min to an hour at random)

        many more where those came from. No Time.

    • #2518892

      Democrats, Repulicans & Southerners

      by danlm ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      This little test will help you decide if you are a Democrat, Republican, or a Southerner. Posing the following question will determine the answer.

      You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a .40 caliber Glock pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

      Democrat’s Answer:
      Well, that is not enough information to answer the question!
      Does the man look poor or oppressed?
      Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
      Could we run away?
      What does my wife think?
      What do my children think?
      Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
      What does the law say about this situation?
      Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
      Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
      Is it possible that he would be happy with just killing me?
      Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
      If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
      Should I call 9-1-1?
      Why is this street so deserted?
      We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier and healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
      This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
      Republican’s Answer:
      BANG!
      Southerner’s Answer:

      BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
      click . . . (sounds of reloading)
      BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
      click
      Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester silver tips or hollow points?”
      Son: Can I shoot the next one?
      Wife: You are not taking that to the taxidermist

      don’t blame me, my better half sent me this.

      Dan

      • #2518855

        Excuse me Dan

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Democrats, Repulicans & Southerners

        but this is a “friday yuk” where people post jokes, not real life events! ;\

        And as a [b]former owner[/b] of a Glock 40 cal, I must say what a crappy gun. B-)

        • #2518633
          Avatar photo

          JD that’s why they give them to the QLD Police

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Excuse me Dan

          So that they can shoot themselves rather than members of the public who just happen to be near by.

          Col ]:)

    • #2518891

      Democrats, Repulicans & Southerners

      by danlm ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      This little test will help you decide if you are a Democrat, Republican, or a Southerner. Posing the following question will determine the answer.

      You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a .40 caliber Glock pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

      Democrat’s Answer:
      Well, that is not enough information to answer the question!
      Does the man look poor or oppressed?
      Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
      Could we run away?
      What does my wife think?
      What do my children think?
      Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
      What does the law say about this situation?
      Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
      Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
      Is it possible that he would be happy with just killing me?
      Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
      If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
      Should I call 9-1-1?
      Why is this street so deserted?
      We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier and healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
      This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
      Republican’s Answer:
      BANG!
      Southerner’s Answer:

      BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
      click . . . (sounds of reloading)
      BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
      click
      Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester silver tips or hollow points?”
      Son: Can I shoot the next one?
      Wife: You are not taking that to the taxidermist

      don’t blame me, my better half sent me this.

      Dan

      • #2518830

        Hey, wait a minute. I think I have seen this before…

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to Democrats, Repulicans & Southerners

        one main thread up… 😉

        • #2518534

          ack, bloody double post again

          by danlm ·

          In reply to Hey, wait a minute. I think I have seen this before…

          I was worried someone would get ticked with that post. And if they are, I appoligise… I’ll stay out of the friday yuks.

          Lol, but I do like the southern response though.

          Dan

      • #2518817

        Democrats, Republicans and Rednecks

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Democrats, Repulicans & Southerners

        There is a Democrat, a Republican and a Redneck all trying out for jobs with the S.W.A.T. team. The person who is testing them says “well done on getting this far. There is just one more task that you have to complete. In that room there is your wife and you have to go and shoot her dead”.

        First of all the Democrat tried to go in but got no further than the door before he said “Look I?m sorry I just can?t do it”. So the man in charge says “well in that case you not the type of person we are looking for. I am afraid you haven?t got the job”.

        Next the Republican goes in, he stays in there a while and he comes out and confesses that he just can?t kill his wife, so he is sent packing.

        Finally the Redneck goes in. The man in charge standing outside of the room hears “BANG BANG”. Then he hears screaming and crashing and banging. After what seems like an eternity the Redneck comes out and says “some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to beat here to death with the chair that she was sitting on!”

        • #2518652

          I don’t get it.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Democrats, Republicans and Rednecks

          :0 😀

        • #2518546

          Neither do I

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I don’t get it.

          I just found it, cut and pasted. Not being a democrat or a Republican and associating Redneck with sunburn…

        • #2518529

          sunburn……….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Neither do I

          um, ah, well, aaa, no.

          back counrty?

          hicks?

          dumb, uneducated, simpletons?

          Geordies? :0

          (did I say that?)

        • #2518485

          I underestand the reference…

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to sunburn……….

          I was playing dumb just for the hell of it.

          Now, I wouldn’t associate Geordies and Rednecks for two reasons:

          1) It’s probbaly not appropriate. Geordies are all city dwellers. Because we’re such a small country we don’t have any isolated mountain dwellers or anything like that. Saying that; Norwich has only one road in and out so there’s traditionally a bit of “Gimme six!” about the place.

          2) Gadget will extract your spleen without anaesthetic. And sing while she does it…

          😀

          Our dumb, uneducated simpletons – our peasant underclass – are “Chavs” and they’re mainly from Essex and Kent and are our own unique creation (although I believe you may have some now).
          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav

        • #2518445

          It’s all just another way to sort people into categories anyway.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to I underestand the reference…

          We’ve got Chav’s. We’ve got a little bit of everything. Anyone who doesn’t think so should go to a State or County fair or a Walmart on Saturday. I was just there.

          I’m of a generation that calls them punks when they commit crimes.

          People are strange.

          I can call myself a redneck or dumbass or whatever but I’m like everyone else; it depends on who, what, where, when, why, and how someone else calls me a name that determines if it bothers me or not.

          The thing I hate the most? Being called stupid. That’s why I try not to say it to others. I said try not.

          My Mother called me an idiot shortly after my Dad died just before she took the money out of the college fund my Dad had started for me.

          Those were some fun times, let me tell you.

          Today they’d call it child abuse or neglect, I suppose. I don’t call it that.

          I look at it as my Mother just trying to do what she thought was right. She had to justify to herself taking the money so we could survive. She didn’t know what her words really did to a 9 year old boy.

          Don’t ever find yourself doing it.

          The fact of the matter is that I’m not stupid. I don’t feel a need to try and prove it and don’t care if anyone believes it either.

          I’ve tested out high enough to get into MENSA several times. I can’t see the point of it though. I like hanging out with 2 percenter types,(high IQ) and 1 percenters, (biker reference) and most everyone in between. I know of a couple of 1 percenters who are 2 percenters.

          Confused yet?

          Maybe it’s stupid of me to post this here, but there it is, way more than anyone wanted or needed to know.

          My opinion of using broad terms for categorizing people? It sucks. We all find ourselves doing it too.

          Hell, a joke isn’t “funny” unless somebody gets “hurt”.

          Carry on.

        • #2518436

          Jokes…

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I underestand the reference…

          Perfectly summed it up, ‘ropes. Someone gets it.

          A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

          “Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

          “Actually, no” he replies.

          “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

          “I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

          “Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him,” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

        • #2518428

          Just had to get it off my chest Neil.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to I underestand the reference…

          I’m fresh out of jokes you haven’t heard right now though. The best I can do is a full-size gif of my current avatar, the fart-tax dodger.

          Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

        • #2518293

          Unloading…

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I underestand the reference…

          Don’t worry about it, Ropes. It caught me slightly unawares in the middle of a Yuk but it’s no less relevant for that.

          England is (still) hugely class-ridden and although it’s not as bad as the Indian caste system in that there is some mobility between classes, there are still definite social boundaries. I was born working class, made it to midle class by virtue of education – the first generation to be able to do that – but could never make upper class in Britain no matter how much money I got together or who I married.

          And I HATE that…

        • #2522018

          Gimme six!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I underestand the reference…

          Now I can think of one place where I’m likely to hear that. Hull(Yorkshire) I have a lot of relatives there, in fact everytime we hear from them someone is pregnant. 9 times out of 10 there pregnant or married to their cousin, uncle, etc. My family in Hull could not be more inbred if they tried, and I’ve heard that a lot of Hull/Yorkshire is the same, so maybe it wont be long before gimme six is a popular phrase there!

          (Just an afterthought – I apologise to anyone who comes from Hull, if you do I only need to say one word and you will understand – Bransholme, now you cant say I’m not being truthful!!)

        • #2522015

          Re: Chavs

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I underestand the reference…

          I’ve just read a rather interesting story. Someone thinks we should keep chavs as (in England) the are helping distribute the wealth and eliminate the north/south divide by taking money from the south (government) and spending it in the shops (or local drug dealers) up north (obviously except for those essex chavs) anyway I know that that statement is a load of tripe but here was his suggestions for farming chavs, which I found rather funny

          How to Farm Chavs :-

          I recommend a Tower Block? because it?s a good Chav space and very easy to clean. For bedding, hardwood shavings or CareFresh are preferred. Pine is readily available and usually does not cause problems. A few squares of toilet paper make a soft, warm nest. Besides that, you?ll need a water bottle (filled with 8% ABV Cider, a food dish (donner meat is a staple part of the diet, though for a special treat MaccyD’s) and a 77? exercise wheel (if you want your Chav to be productive it must be able to outrun the natural enemies of the Chav (the police and everyone who isnt a Chav).
          If your Chav is male then you need to keep it with other male Chavs, Chavs are sociable animals (to other Chavs) and do not function well on their own.
          Be sure to keep male Chavs seperate from Female Chav’s (you can tell the difference becuase the female Chavs have bigger gold earings), if you are going to keep female Chavs together be sure to invest in a good pair of ear protectors, those used by airport ground staff are particulary good.

          Chav Behaviour

          Chavs are inherently sociable animals, they tend to gravitate towards a hierarchical group structure with an alpha male and alpha female. The alpha chav male is selected by a brutal darwininan winnowing of the group, generally the alpha chav male will be the one with all the following characteristics.

          Never had a Job

          Has more children than he has brain cells (this is generally 3 children)

          The inability to form a coherent sentence without at least a dozen swearwords.

          The ability to drink enough alcohol to drop a Rhino and still outrun the police.

          Enough fake gold jewellery to make Mr T stop in his tracks.

          The Alpha Female Chav is selected by the same critera as the Alpha Male Chav except the Alpha Female Chav can take a shortcut to supremacy (by lying down with her legs open).

          Keeping your Chav healthy is a hard task, that high fat, low protein, vitamin deficient diet requires that the Chav recieve regular exercise, introducing old ladies into the Chav pack can give them valuable exercise but nothing beats the Police when it comes to Chav Exercise. If you find your Chav pack is growing too large (only yeast can reproduce faster than a Chav pack) you can reduce the population by introducing stealable cars (that would be one with wheels, few cars can withstand a sustained chav attack). Chavs are good at very few things and driving a stolen car isn’t one of them. You could also force your Chavs to get a job..however this might violate the UN Human Rights act (for their co-workers at any rate), few chavs can survive more than a week or two of work without either commiting suicide or morphing into human beings. Finally remember that caring for a Chav is a hard and enduring task but can be very rewarding.

    • #2518702

      It’s easy to make fun of Canadians but…

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      Edited to change to a movie link that won’t kill MY bandwidth.

      • #2518559

        oh, hockey…..

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to It’s easy to make fun of Canadians but…

        • #2518544
          Avatar photo

          I’m totally shocked JD

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to oh, hockey…..

          If any sports person here touched an official they would get a 12 year ban immediately without a second thought for bringing the sport into disrepute. We have big burley footballers who are not in fact midgets built up with padding that would sooner eat a bullet that accidentally touch a Ref under any circumstances even if a coach here verbals a Ref they are looking at least a 25K fine and being banned from the bench for several weeks and this is non negotiable and automatic. This bunch of thugs didn’t give a rats who they hit and where continually attacking and hitting the Umpires/Officials which should earn them a long permanent ban that would effectively prevent them from ever playing again.

          Players are easily replaced but Officials are much harder to find so they need to be treated much better than they where in that clip.

          Several years ago while running backward to take a mark one of the Aussie Rules players ran into a ref and knocked him out accidentally and didn’t think twice he dropped the ball that he had caught and attended to the ref until medical help arrived and even then he accompanied the Ref to Hospital and stayed with him till he was certain that there was no damage done.

          If that had of been a deliberate hit on a ref he never would have played football ever again and quite rightly so. There is no room for attacks on Officials at any sporting events.

          Col

        • #2522020

          official bashing

          by half9 ·

          In reply to I’m totally shocked JD

          Good one Hal.. I wonder at the intellegence of the controlling body that allows this sort of thuggery to go on. They could outlaw it is a quick rule change. Look at rugby, they get red carded [ sent off ] for talking back to a ref, let alone hitting them. if they did that they would never play again. and they make good coin, so it polices itself. And they dont need a armoured suit to play. Same applys to league and aussie rules. Down this end of the world sports are well controlled by rules and public opinion, and refs have a following like players

        • #2521966

          Don’t need, or…

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to official bashing

          Can’t figure out how to put one on?

          Can’t AFFORD one?

          Are expendable brutes that you WANT to have their lives changed with a shattering injury?

          Kind of like when the difference between professional skateboarders wearing pads and a hat while the dumb kids don’t, and splatter what little brains they have trying to do what the big boys do?

          “It ain’t cool to wear pads”

          Too bad that is also what your females say when Aunt Flow comes to visit…. :0

          :p

        • #2540934

          JD- Mae and I may have to

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Don’t need, or…

          Get you for that one. GG, Steffi, and Shell can help. Boxfiddler may join in, who knows?

          You are a marked man, JD.

          And don’t even bother with your protestations of innocence. We know better.

          🙂

        • #2524097

          I am sorry

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          but I can’t understand you. Maybe Col can translate? Although it seems like he has gone more and more over to the dark side, and now I am having a hard time understanding HIM?

        • #2524084

          I’ll translate!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          Me, Tig, Mae, GG and Shell are going to beat you up and cause you lots of pain 😀 and we won’t stop until your screaming like a little girl 😉

          Was that in simple enough terms :p

        • #2523900

          Thanks, Steffi

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          I think you covered that quite well indeed!

          Appreciate you chiming in!

        • #2524931

          I am now as confused as JD about this!!!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          what is this gibberish going on about???

          I just cant make sense of any of it.

        • #2524918

          Ah, but W2KTech

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          Pleading ignorance will not save you. Not even a little bit!

          😀

        • #2524828

          Ah, I am starting to figure this out

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          It appears that Tigger made a reference to me amongst the uninterpretable post. Hmmm. Maybe they are plotting against me? Then again, maybe they plan to nab me and force me to a beach party!

          Ok, either way, it’s cool. 🙂

        • #2524764

          Any time Tig, Any time :D

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          We wouldn’t want JD not to know exactly what is going to happen to him now would we? And as it seems w2k wants us to do the same to him, the more the merrier I always say 😉

        • #2524735
          Avatar photo

          ABSOLUTELY NO BLOODY WAY Steffi

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          You have a major operation coming up very soon so there can be no possibility of any injury occurring at all [b]UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES![/b] :p

          I spent hours arranging these operations that you asked me to and I don’t like to see my time & effort wasted I get really mean then. 🙁

          Col

        • #2524682

          a little trick I learned from Mae….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          nananananananana can’t hear you…nananananananana :p

        • #2524297

          Thats OK JD!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          You dont need to be able to hear us for us to harm you rather severly :p

        • #2523043

          So, I havent been snatched up for the

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          beach party yet! What happened everyone? (as if I could understand anyway)

        • #2591521

          Tell you what

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          I’ll put into terms you men are likely to understand….

          We plan on getting you into the squared circle, and piledriving your ass through the floor!!

          Now do you understand??

        • #2591355

          JD, they must be plotting something fun

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to JD- Mae and I may have to

          I think that I interpreted a few words from the womans post. Ass and Piledriving and Floor….
          Hmmm… Sounds interesting!
          But I could not make out the beach part date yet. I will try to interpret again later (unless you found an interpreter already)

        • #2521858

          well no “thuggery” just demonstrates a lack of knowledge of the history…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to official bashing

          of the game.
          What you aren’t aware of is how the league has evolved over the years, from wide open “anything goes” to this mockery of a great game. Somewhere in the middle is the correct mix.
          Since the introduction of the instigator penalty (automatic 5 min penalty for fighting no matter what the provocation)you have “goons” skating around taking cheap shots at other players, feeling invulnerable because “the law” is there to “stop” fighting, and “discourage” players from provoking fights. (Can you hear my sarcasm?)
          When I was playing, that was an invitation to lose some teeth! You had the big bruisers, which we called “enforcers,” on the ice to punish players that took cheap shots on others and they were there to protect the scorers!
          We had almost NO boarding penalties, and very few brawls like that. Incidents were settled quickly on the ice, the winner usually by cheering. For those of you who don’t know, “boarding” is checking from behind into the boards. This is an incredibly dangerous and potentially lethal action.
          A brawl like the one between Ottawa and Philadelphia usually results in cumulative fines in the 250$K mark for both teams.
          As a side note, most of the refs that I played with were former hockey players, and excelled at fighting. It is rare in the extreme for a ref or linesman to be targeted. Any player who does so usually got his butt kicked on the ice, and then got his butt kicked off the ice, permanently.
          I’d rather watch the players police themselves than resort to rules and fines.
          All of that being said, there has been a large move away from the fighting style of play since the ’98 Winter Olympics, where both Canada and the US had their heads handed to them by European teams who outskated, out-passed and out shot them.
          The European style of play is the way of the future, and a look to the past for Canada.

        • #2518461

          There must be some unwritten rules to those fights.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to oh, hockey…..

          You’d think they’d get hurt a lot worse than they do. I’d hate to take a skate to the face or… anywhere for that matter.

          Maybe I’m just too bloodthirsty when I get into it.

        • #2518399

          While I am not an expert on hockey

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to There must be some unwritten rules to those fights.

          I do know that no, they can not use skates or sticks in the fights.

          As for getting hurt, have you ever seen the dental bill for a hockey team?

          In the same area as the link I put up is a “one hit” fight. dude goes down.

          The refs left them fight, some. It is what the crowd wants, so it is what the crowd gets. Throw in a few lions, and lets make this interesting…

        • #2518393

          Have you ever been hit like that “one hit” dude?

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to While I am not an expert on hockey

          I have. I’ve never been knocked right out but I know all about seeing stars!

          You can move your jaw a lot farther than you ever thought possible too.

          Remember: Always keep your teeth together when you tussle.

          I’d watch football if they threw in a few REAL lions. I’d just feel bad for the lions if they were on ice.

        • #2518278

          living here in Michigan watching football (not “soccer”)

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Have you ever been hit like that “one hit” dude?

          Even a few PRETEND lions would be nice to show up for the game once in a while…. :_|

          Oh well, Go WingS! B-)

        • #2518388

          Get rid of the ice!

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to While I am not an expert on hockey

          Bring on Rollerball! ;\

        • #2518363

          but rollerball doesnt have those nice shiny blades called

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Get rid of the ice!

          ice skates.

        • #2524695

          But they can go in the pocket

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to but rollerball doesnt have those nice shiny blades called

          in a nice handy carrying case that allows for quick swapping. I think they call them switchblades. These are popular in street hockey. Very in-vogue in places like Tulsa.

        • #2521872

          woohoo!

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to oh, hockey…..

          Reminds me of Friday nights gone past… went to the fights and a hockey game broke out!!!

          I just gotta point out… throwing a punch on skates takes skill!

        • #2521865

          Re skill. With everyone on ice and sliding around basic physics takes over

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to woohoo!

          You’re right it takes [i][b]REAL[/i][/b] skill to throw a really damaging blow. It might look fierce and dramatic but the law of action/reaction kicks in [b][i]most[/i][/b] of the time.

        • #2521854

          yep… go for the jersey!

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to Re skill. With everyone on ice and sliding around basic physics takes over

          Then you can take a few shots before the linesmen pile on!

        • #2524693

          Wouldn’t that mean that the guy pinned on the wall has an advantage?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Re skill. With everyone on ice and sliding around basic physics takes over

          since he could slide no further back?

          Still… I don’t think I’ll try it.

        • #2521808

          here’s a reason why fights happen

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to oh, hockey…..

          Atlanta player takes a cheap shot on Darcy Tucker….

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Yq2AVlXRVQ&mode=related&search=

        • #2541110

          The marketing plays it up too

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to here’s a reason why fights happen

          I always see shirts that say

          “Give blood, play the Red Wings”.

        • #2524140

          yeah that’s very true

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to The marketing plays it up too

          Back in the day it was Domi vs whoever…

          I hear the Wings have advanced to the next round… good on them
          I’m a fan of the original Six…. when any of them do well I’m happy

        • #2524095

          I want to be a fan

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to yeah that’s very true

          but lord, who has the time to keep up with it all?

          At least I am just about done with MY school, so I can maybe FINALLY take the time?

          If there is a single sport I would LIKE to watch on TV, it would have to be hockey. (does UCF fighting count as a sport?)

        • #2524094

          and then the classic

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I want to be a fan

          You hear about the [i] [/i]hockey team?

          They drown in spring training…. 😀

        • #2524021

          i want to be a fan too….

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to I want to be a fan

          but I don’t have the time either! I just follow a single team (Go Leafs Go…. golfing!) and try and keep track of their standings!
          I think UFC would make a better sport if they put them on ice with skates!
          I can hear joe rogan now..
          “Y’know, they really aren’t supposed to use the skates that way….”

        • #2524806

          UFC counts, yes, definately

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to I want to be a fan

          well, sometimes it doesnt… I guess it depends who fights. I have seen a few where the ref had to get them to do something. Then they nab a few times and walk around again.

          Anyway, most of the fights count.

      • #2521970

        Does “beaver” mean the same thing in other countries

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to It’s easy to make fun of Canadians but…

        as it does in the U.S.? Or is that just another difference between our dimentia and everybody else’s?

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5IlxYlcmYU

        edited to fix URL

        • #2521969

          Beavers?

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Does “beaver” mean the same thing in other countries

          There small and hairy right?? 😉

        • #2521952

          Hopefuly

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Beavers?

          Although some are more of one than the other…

          Not sure why they remind me of a tuna fish sandwich though… :0

        • #2521946

          Really??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Hopefuly

          You mean its possible to get big ones, or its possible to get bald ones?? or both?? dare I ask which ones you like?? ;\

          And I have no idea why you thought of that sandwhich either :p 😉

        • #2521930

          Lets just say

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Really??

          I don’t like playing “Lion tamer”….

          [i]
          (how is THAT for a visual on this Monday morning?)

        • #2521909

          I will resist the urge to roar!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          ]:)

        • #2524804

          ROAR ON!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          You are best when a bit fiesty.

        • #2524760

          ROAR!!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          Did you enjoy that dear 😉 ]:)

        • #2524629

          Very much so!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          Thank You! 🙂

        • #2524449

          ewwwwww

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          Clearly you didn’t have your head deep enough in the gutter to understand my reference in regards to you talking about a big beav…

          oh my…….

          [i]
          edited because I couldn’t bring myself to saying it out loud….

        • #2524423

          So then JD, you don’t like women???

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          complaining about their beavers this time???

        • #2524375

          Complaining?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          only about the BIG beav!

          Think about this. A lion tamer sticks his head in the lions mouth…. right? And if you can play lion tamer with a big beav….

          ewwwwwwwww :p

          I did NOT want to spell it out, but you made me! :0

        • #2524296

          Damn :( I AM Blonde :(

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          Or was that just a difficult joke to understand??

          Or am I…..

          (dun-dun-duuuun)

          ….losing my impurity???

          You see when talking about lions and beavers, I didn’t think of sticking my head inside either of them, I just thought of the fact that a lion is very VERY hairy, in fact european hairy!! And well errr, I’m saying no more on that.

          But I’m definitely no lion!!! Definitely no heads going in there!!!

          Edited to add – Damn I hate you JD, just when I think I’m not blonde you make me feel all blonde again 🙁

        • #2523156

          Either way Steffi

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          As one of the founders of the Impure Brigade, every now and then it is my responsibility to remind people what true impurity really is all about.

          I just try to be subtle with it, is all.

          I must admit, the place really has taken a change since Jaqui stopped coming around. Anyone still hear from him? GG?

        • #2523128

          ah man…yeesh

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          ok..ickk..

          thats way gross JD!!!!!!!!!!!

        • #2523117

          It wasn’t MY fault Shell!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          I am not the one that brought up big beavs!

          Steffi, it is all HER fault! B-)

          And I TOLD you it was a heck of a visual, didn’t I? 😀

          Roar anyone? :0

          :^0

        • #2523075

          heck of a visual!!

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          i’ve got nasty images of huge man eating beavers..
          the type a man could literally get lost in..

          going to take me a while to shake the visuals i think..

          Steff..he’s blaming this all on you..not sure if i agree with him..i may just say ok to humour him, but you knwo what i mean right?

        • #2523048

          JD, I heard a saying once

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          that when a male comes out of the womb, he spends the rest of his life trying to get back in.
          I think that we are much different, because my way of getting back in and yours, are totally different. I don’t actually try to climb in there completely. Instead, I like to……..
          I am too pure to continue.
          But I have been swimming recently in the gutter, so after I got out and looked around, I should explain better what I thought we were talking about previously.
          Pet Beavers. Yes, I actually thought that we were discussing a womans pet, and they can be tamed, groomed, etc.. So, I thought that you were disgusted with a woman because she had an untamed Beaver (pet of course). If this is the case, if you really liked her, but her pet was too wild for you, I would suggest to send the Beaver to obedience school and have it tamed and then to be groomed. This can make for a much happier relationship with the pet Beaver.
          If the beaver is still a problem, then you must find another woman, maybe one with a different pet, like Shelly’s pet kitten that drools and purrs. A drooling, purring Kitten is much more tamed that a wild Beaver, and you may find that you like it better. But, you can predict their behavior after getting to know them.
          Although rare, you may find that you prefer women with other pets instead. There are plenty to choose from, like fox or a fawn. Personally, I like playing with all of these pets, that is just the way I am.

          I think that I am ‘too’ pure on this subject, maybe I have been reading too many of Dave’s posts, I don’t know……

        • #2522919

          Actually, W2K, I think you handled a delicate subject well.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          Women’s pets are to be treated with tender loving care. The way you treat their pets is often the way to their hearts.

          Just look at the woman, look at her pet and remember that she has allowed you to get this close. You should feel priveledged that she has allowed you to see it. Even more if she has allowed you to pet it. Remember that petting this furry little animal is the first step towards a deeper relationship.

          Now, if it is too wild you will need to take care not to get bitten. Some of these furry things have been known to have little parasites if not kept clean enough. We will assume that you have chosen a wholesome woman that keeps their pet clean. Regular washing and grooming is definitely in order.

          You may even offer to help wash and groom this pet, brush the fur and so on. Often this can be accomplished in the shower. One of those handheld shower things is good in this case. You can set it on pulse which can often sooth the pet.

          If you show concern and care with the little furry animal, you don’t know how far the relationship can take you.

          I hope that this has helped.

        • #2591520

          Believe it or not

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Lets just say

          It was because of Dave that I started talking about Beavers.

          Oh and Shell I think I know what your talking about, maybe something to do with what we’ve been talking about recently?? At least I think I get it!

        • #2521851

          And sometimes blond too. :^0

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Beavers?

          Why are Tupperware and walruses similar???
          They like a tight seal.

        • #2521832

          [b]We have a Steffi sighting!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to And sometimes blond too. :^0

        • #2524093

          I’m not blonde, I’m not I tell you!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to [b]We have a Steffi sighting!

          JD, I’m beggining to think your just trying to take the heat off yourself, and your love of men, by making everyone think I’m blonde!! 😉

        • #2524085
          Avatar photo

          OH Look all the blond hair has fallen out of

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I’m not blonde, I’m not I tell you!!

          That rat that I’ve just feed that mixture to so I can now have a cuddly pink thing to play with. 😀

          Now that all the Blond hair has disappeared I don’t need any shearers and I can just cut away whenever I feel like it. [b]OH life is so great.[/b] :^0

          Now lets dissect that rat to see what the mixture did to it’s internal organs this should be interesting. 😀 :^0 😀 :^0

          OH I’ve got to remember to encourage Steffi to climb that Jacobs Ladder shortly as well. Now that should be an interesting sight to see. 😀 :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2524079

          Col, I dont like you anymore :(

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I’m not blonde, I’m not I tell you!!

          :_|

        • #2524019

          It won’t help, Col.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to I’m not blonde, I’m not I tell you!!

          Steffi has sworn off wearing skirts except on the pedestal.

          Anyway, what are you doing with the naked mole rat? You aren’t trying gerbil stuffing are you? I have never understood how you are supposed to get gerbils to eat enough to become stuffed. ?:|

        • #2524007

          keep beggining Steffi

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I’m not blonde, I’m not I tell you!!

          I kind of like it! ]:)

        • #2523894

          My advice

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to I’m not blonde, I’m not I tell you!!

          Hey Steffi, consider becoming what HAL calls a “bush fire blond”… also known as a red head.

          I think that HAL is afraid of red heads…

        • #2524929

          So is the Sultan

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to I’m not blonde, I’m not I tell you!!

          so Steffi can come back and play with us all again!

        • #2524749

          Thats Decided Then!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I’m not blonde, I’m not I tell you!!

          A trip to the chemist after work for me!!!

        • #2521857
          Avatar photo

          At a guess I would say Yes as TR doesn’t #######

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Does “beaver” mean the same thing in other countries

          Out the word Beaver like it does Pu$$y now does it? :0

          After all I’ve only ever heard of Beavers as water dwelling critters that like to make dams and flood out houses like that big Beaver Dam outside Vegas that proved so effective to the Humans that they reinforced it with a concrete front covering and now everyone thinks that they made that dam. 😀

          OH BTW Dave only 36 to go before that magic number is reached and I can go crazy and kill off everyone by opening all the air locks and killing the power to everything else. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2521853

          You have to be kidding, right???

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Does “beaver” mean the same thing in other countries

        • #2541048

          I was. Unfortunately, those folks weren’t :0

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to You have to be kidding, right???

          Yes, I have met folks like that. I don’t deny they exist. I squirm, hide, wretch, flinch and pale when I see/hear/meet them but they exist. They actually exist in every country on the planet which I also find sad but undeniable.

          Fortunately, there are a lot of the others around that can speak intelligently. They just tend to keep their heads down too so we, as a group, don’t get much attention from the news.

          With that in mind, I think I will point the finger back at blondes.

          Of course my best friend from college, an A+ honor student and drop dead gorgeous Blonde, would probably kick me in the teeth for this… 😀

        • #2540999

          not kidding

          by half9 ·

          In reply to You have to be kidding, right???

          When you look at a country the size of the U.S. I can understand that there is so much going on within your own borders, that things that happen in the real world just get passed over. there is only so much news that any media can supply, and in the U.S case you have a world of your own, without covering anything but the big breaks from outside

        • #2524139

          i think it is that and a bit more

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to not kidding

          I think the society tends to be inward looking rather than out, so that changes their focus as well.
          It isn’t that those people are stoopid, but rather that they have no interest in the answers, and I think too polite to tell the interviewer so!

        • #2524126

          People are accustomed to being helpful… after a fashion

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to i think it is that and a bit more

          Some people here feel marginalized and want to make a contribution. They also don’t realize that there really are more people on the other side of a camera lens than just the camera operator. Add those two disparate elements together and you get some really dumb answers when you ask folks that don’t know.

          Then, remember that these are the people that didn’t walk away from the camera knowing full well that there will be many more Borats walking the streets.

          I wonder how many correct answers they had to edit out to get those few really ignorant answers.

        • #2524090

          that’s a good point

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to People are accustomed to being helpful… after a fashion

          There is a pundit here in Canada by the name of Rick Mercer, who has done a couple of shows called “Talking to Americans” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhTZ_tgMUdo)
          The episode I saw he at least singled out people who should know better (for the most part), and asked questions of them.
          I vaguely recall him saying in an interview later that there were a lot more people who got it right, but of course, they don’t make as good theatre.
          There was one I remember who got it and played along, finally asking Mercer if he was right in the head! That was in Seattle I think. That was as funny as the dumb answers!

        • #2524078

          oh, come on Dave

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to People are accustomed to being helpful… after a fashion

          don’t ruin a good joke by pointing out that these were not the only people that were talked to. Someone might think that we are not ALL the uninformed? how silly of you…. 😐

        • #2524014

          Sorry. I work around a bunch of multi-nationals

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to People are accustomed to being helpful… after a fashion

          and more than half of my family are foreigners (by marriage). Sometimes I get frustrated at how many idiots make the various forms of “the press” and how few of the less-dim bulbs come to light.

          I am fairly proud of the country (if not its leadership) and just wish we wouldn’t be so quick to self-deprecate all of the time.

        • #2592944

          We may be overlooking a couple of things

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to People are accustomed to being helpful… after a fashion

          When we see these shows the interview people on current events, history, etc., of course they pick the most entertaining.

          But 2 things:

          1. the home viewer is smart enough to get the correct answer or it would not be funny.
          2. a lot of people will do anything to get on television, even appearing stupid.

          Dad

          Men, when you are married for a long time, you no longer have an opinion. Just as your spouse!

        • #2524082

          Not caring is different than stupid – the same everywhere

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to i think it is that and a bit more

          But that doesn’t change what people see as great fun?

          Sean Hannety does a “Man on the street” segment where they ask random people on the streets questions like who Richard Cheney is, or who is the secretary of state, the words of the Star Spangled Banner, or other current events, and the American Idol crowd doesn’t know and doesn’t care. Blissfully ignorant.

          Here is a clip of a proud Candian, right up on social events.
          [b]WORK VIEWING WARNING! BRIEF AND UNATTRACTIVE NUDITY[/B]
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONgab0A2PWQ

        • #2524016

          hey that’s marge!

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to Not caring is different than stupid – the same everywhere

          She used to be a stripper at the Zanzibar!

          I mean not that i’ve ever been there!

          That was a little frightening! However, if you insist on asking questions at Younge and Dundas in downtown TO, you’re taking your life in your own hands!

        • #2523956

          Canadian Brains….

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to Not caring is different than stupid – the same everywhere

          THE BRAIN OF A CANADIAN

          This is a (supposedly)true incident that happened in Toronto

          An Canadian man walked into a bank in Toronto one day and asked for the loan
          officer.

          He told the loan officer that he was going to Spain on business for two
          weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank
          would need some form of security for the loan. The Canadian handed over the
          keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced
          the title and everything checked out.

          The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The
          bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Canadian
          for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An
          employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground
          garage and parked it there.

          Two weeks later, the Canadian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest,
          which came to $15.41.

          The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
          and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
          puzzled.

          While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi
          millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow “$5,000”

          The Canadian replied: “Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks
          for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

        • #2523947

          Canadian pancake

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Not caring is different than stupid – the same everywhere

          This one is true. Happened in (I think it was) the Dominion Tower (or similar name).

          It appears that some of the lawyers liked to show off things to the new hires (as often happens). The wind around the tower is pretty bad some times so the windows are made to withstand a lot of abuse (from the outside).

          One of the lawyers liked to show this off by running up and slamming himself into a window and bouncing off of it. He had done this several times before.

          One day he demonstrated this and found, to his dismay, that it didn’t always work.

          http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/window.asp

          (Edited because I wanted to.)

        • #2524129

          I have met folks like that…

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to You have to be kidding, right???

          It is a big country. There is a lot of everything, including ignorance. People are not challanged to think in many cases and when they are challanged, they freeze up.

          Then, unfortunately, we put into power a group of people that can’t read, can’t remember what they did a couple of months ago or can’t follow the laws and use the correct e-mail accounts. And this was supposed to be the administration that cleaned up the white house after Billy couldn’t keep his Willy in check.

          Once, I was working on a report at AT&T. I had a 4 foot map of the US next to a 6 foot map of Texas. A young secretary walked in and started looking at the right edge of the US map, right around New Jersey. Next she walked over to the Texas map and started looking at the right hand edge there.

          I asked her what she was looking for and she asked “Where is New Jersey on this map?” My answer was the most difficult straight answer I have ever given.

        • #2521849

          one of the reasons Canada is the best place to live in the world!

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to Does “beaver” mean the same thing in other countries

          What other country has a beaver for as it’s national animal! 😀

    • #2518674

      My day was like this…

      by nicknielsen ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      Dear Tide,

      I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

      …without the Tide.

      • #2518649

        Mae Finally did it!

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to My day was like this…

        And then posted using Nick’s account!

        • #2518571

          What makes you

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Mae Finally did it!

          think I’m old enough to go through menopause????

        • #2518564

          Clearly Mae :D

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to What makes you

          He doesn’t realize when I am poking fun at your age, it is because I think you being 32 is OLD!

          Silly boy….. ;\

        • #2518557

          I read it quickly and didnt pick up on the age thing

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to What makes you

          sorry, so it wasnt you this time….
          Also, I have no idea how old you or anyone else is. As for me, I have to count back to my birthdate every once in a while so that I know how old I am. Time just doesnt seem to matter for me I guess.
          So apparently, if JD is correct, I am older than you!
          I am only repeating this cause of yesterday though
          http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=220825&messageID=2227267
          as I was told it was true (but I still do not see it)……..

    • #2518431

      I haven’t posted any jokes for a few weeks

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      So here’s a couple

      The doctor walks into the examination room. There is a very beautiful woman lying on the table. The doctor begins his exam, and lets his hands wander. He strokes her neck, and asks “Do you know what I’m doing?” She replies “Your checking my lymph nodes.”

      He moves his arms down, unbuttons her shirt, and fondles her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks. “Your checking for breast cancer” she replies. The doctor figures since the woman is obviously depressed and being very complacent, he’ll try his luck.

      So he pulls it out of his pants, takes off the patients skirt, and goes to work. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks. “Yes,” she replies. “Your getting Gonorrhoea, thats what I’m here for.”

      —————————–

      An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman were discussing what the most important invention was. The Englishman said, “I think the heart transplant was the greatest invention ever, because I had a dodgy heart, and it’d be curtains for me if it wasn’t for a heart transplants.” The Scotsman said, “I think liver transplants are the best, as I’m partial to a bit of whiskey, and it’d be curtains for me if I hadn’t replaced my liver.” The Irishman then said, “I think blinds were the greatest invention ever, otherwise it’d be curtains for all of us.”

      (I don’t know why but I just like that one!)

      ————————————

    • #2521963

      Some relaxing music for geeks

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to friday yuk

    • #2521882

      Blonde In A Casino

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      Ok, I’ve just recieved this joke in German so I’m going to do my best to translate it cos I thought it was rather good, don’t blame me if I miss out the punchline, as JD & Dawg have informed me I’m blonde :_|

      A very beautiful blonde goes to a casino, she changes 10.000.- EUR into chips and decides to try her luck at the roulette table.

      There are two employees at the table and they are shocked when the blonde informs them that she wants to bet all her chips on the one number. She then says to them “before I place the bet, I’m very supersticious, and I find that I am luckier when I am naked, is that ok?”
      The two men look at each other and both tell her that that is no problem.

      So, the blonde takes off all her clothes and places all her chips on the table. The two Croupiers are unable to contain their excitement at this beautiful naked woman before them and they smile to each other thinking how lucky they are.

      While the roulette wheel spins the blonde shouts to herself “mama needs new clothes, mama needs new clothes”

      When the ball stops rolling she jumps up and down screaming “I’ve won! I’ve won!” She then grabs hold of the two men hugs them and kisses them and grabs all her winnings from the table and goes to collect her money.

      Once she has gone the first man looks at the other and says “What number did she place the chips on?”
      The second man replies “I don’t know I thought you had checked that”

      The moral of the story? Not all blondes are thick but all men are the same!

      I don’t think I done too bad there, it still makes sence right??

      • #2541057

        Wonderful job. Just wonderful.

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to Blonde In A Casino

        You just need to work on the bit at the end about the moral. I understand about not all blondes are thick. I have no doubt that this one was very thin and shapely.

        The part about all men are the same, though. I don’t see where this comes into play. Actually, some men are smarter than others and, well, these two seem to have been distracted by this woman’s virtues and, well… could you explain that bit?

        Maybe I am just too Pure to understand that last bit. No?

        O
        🙂

    • #2541047

      Step right up and get your [i][u]Liquid Cooled Computer!!![/u][/i] ;)

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to friday yuk

    • #2524119

      I’m Sorry

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      But someone in work has given this to me and I have to pass it on because it’s driving me crazy!!!

      Some things in life are bad
      They can really make you mad
      Other things just make you swear and curse.
      When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
      Don’t grumble, give a whistle
      And this’ll help things turn out for the best…

      And…always look on the bright side of life…
      Always look on the light side of life…

      If life seems jolly rotten
      There’s something you’ve forgotten
      And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
      When you’re feeling in the dumps
      Don’t be silly chumps
      Just purse your lips and whistle – that’s the thing.

      And…always look on the bright side of life…
      Always look on the light side of life…

      For life is quite absurd
      And death’s the final word
      You must always face the curtain with a bow.
      Forget about your sin – give the audience a grin
      Enjoy it – it’s your last chance anyhow.

      So always look on the bright side of death
      Just before you draw your terminal breath

      Life’s a piece of sh!t
      When you look at it
      Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.
      You’ll see it’s all a show
      Keep ’em laughing as you go
      Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

      And always look on the bright side of life…
      Always look on the right side of life…
      (Come on guys, cheer up!)
      Always look on the bright side of life…
      Always look on the bright side of life…
      (Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
      Always look on the bright side of life…
      (I mean – what have you got to lose?)
      (You know, you come from nothing – you’re going back to nothing.
      What have you lost? Nothing!)
      Always look on the right side of life…

      • #2524064
        Avatar photo

        And so you should be sorry

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to I’m Sorry

        The other one from the Meaning OF Life where the singer comes out of the fridge after the Liver Donors have had their livers collected is much better. 😀

        But as Carl Jung said [b]Life is a Sexually Transmitted Disease with an Extremely Bad Prognosis.[/b] I really can’t find any fault with that logic either. 🙁

        Col ]:)

        • #2592822

          I can find fault with that logic.

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to And so you should be sorry

          Look more closely. Consider word choice. “Condition” has more literally correct connotations than “disease” to describe life. Life is a prerequisite of disease, as inanimate objects and corpses are definitely, and in Hal’s world “defiantly”, not diseased! But not all life is diseased, nor is most life diseased through most of its duration. Likewise, instead of “extremely bad prognosis” the words “limited duration” carry connotations that are more [b]logically[/b] consistent with [b]more[/b] of the pertinent facts.

          OK, wanna tell me to eat my hat? Go ahead. I know what the pertinent facts are, now here’s an impertinent retort: eat it your ***king self, you’re not paying me enough to tell me what to do, a**hole!

        • #2592781
          Avatar photo

          Abs If you want to argue the point with Carl Jung

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I can find fault with that logic.

          That’s your prerogative. Personally I try to stay away from Shrinks and the really crazy ones even further. :p

          But it is essentially right Life is Sexually Transmitted and as such has to be defined as a Disease and while you may have a short term point about the Duration it still has a Bad Prognosis from a Medical Prospective and unfortunately Medical People only think in Medical Terms so with that single constraint placed on us all Carl Jung has to be treated as correct in all aspects of this particular quote. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2592736

          Col If you want to argue the point with Me

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to Abs If you want to argue the point with Carl Jung

          That’s your prerogative. Personally I give no credence to anything said by any Shrinks because all of them are really crazy ones. That’s why 99% of them study psychology in the first place. The other 1% is a really nice, pretty lady, who has no latent envy issues and has enough personal integrity to truly help people.

          If you, or any doctor, considers an average of 70+ years to live a “Bad Prognosis” then you are all fools. Please, come back soon with another erroneous retort, you silly Aussie-type ka-nig-it, so that I can taunt you a second time!

          :^0

        • #2591024

          Personally, I like Bokonan’s view…

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Col If you want to argue the point with Me

          Primary vocation: being dead
          Primary avocation: being alive

          Bokonan had a rather wide view of things.
          😀

      • #2523975

        kick it up a notch!

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to I’m Sorry

        • #2524706

          Is one of these “Steffi” or one of the other “Harem Harlots(tm)?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to kick it up a notch!

          For some reason, this was a featured link when watching Hemlock’s bright offering.

          Could one of these young ladies be Steffi? Is it some coincidence that she brought up this lyric causing hemlock to show the reference which featured this link?

          You be the judge!

          Video: G
          Audio: wear headphones

      • #2523873

        A song steffie

        by half9 ·

        In reply to I’m Sorry

        Yes its vintage Monty Python, Always look on the bright side of life

        • #2524935

          Steffie the life of brian is the movie it is from

          by half9 ·

          In reply to A song steffie

    • #2523969

      spam, spam, spam….

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to friday yuk

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZ7YedEopp4

      someone is bound to report this as spam….

      • #2524800

        spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to spam, spam, spam….

        baked beans, spam, spam, spam……………

        lol. I have just reported you to the SPAM police hemlock. You have been warned.

        So do you want spam with that???

      • #2524584

        Bloody Vikings

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to spam, spam, spam….

        ~^v^~

      • #2524445

        It IS a silly place

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to spam, spam, spam….

        • #2524425

          Earworm alert!

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to It IS a silly place

          Time Warp

        • #2524372

          time to rock!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Earworm alert!

          star trek style

        • #2524371

          it just keeps getting better

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to time to rock!

        • #2524261

          this boob job steffie

          by half9 ·

          In reply to it just keeps getting better

          remember anything more than a handfull is wasted. and gravity is your worst enemy

        • #2522946

          If that were true

          by dryflies ·

          In reply to this boob job steffie

          Then nobody would drive SUVs because they are a waste. I don’t need all that space, But I like em large! The better to apply aftershave. 🙂

        • #2591610

          I always heard it was

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to this boob job steffie

          MOUTHfull. more than a mouth full is suppose to be a waste.

          Funny how guys go nuts over something as silly as breasts, huh?

        • #2591525
          Avatar photo

          I have to disagree here

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to this boob job steffie

          I offered a much smaller augmentation to Steffi but she wanted bigger and better. :p

          So in this case at least it’s the woman who is demanding something so big that she will be unable to get through doors, onto aircraft and even if squeezed in will be required to buy several seats to keep the weight distribution right on the aircraft. :0

          Not to mention what any car that she is in will look like from behind by the Police when they pull her up for having a defective vehicle as it’s much lower on her side to the road than the other side and quite likely to have those wheels off the ground. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2591518

          Hmmmm….

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to this boob job steffie

          I already have more that a handful, unless of course you have HUGE hands! Then if you do maybe you should introduce yourself to me 😉 ooops sorry!

          Anyway I already have more than a handful does that mean I’m wasting my time with this op?? My mum always told me bigger was definitely better, so I just assumed this would go for my boobs too.

        • #2591464
          Avatar photo

          Bigger isn’t always better that’s why I sent you those Images regarding Sag

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to this boob job steffie

          But as Lethal Weapons in this case [b]Bigger is Defiantly Better.[/b] :p

          You could kill several people by just allowing one to lye across their chest and no one could possibly say that it was intentional. With that much weight resting you someones chest it would cause them to suffocate as they couldn’t breath. With both resting on someones face they would be killed fairly quickly by a total lack of being able to breath. :0

          OH look in your In Box as I’ve sent you a PPS which you can open at work. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2591359

          And to add to Col

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to this boob job steffie

          under no circumstances they be allowed to move/bounce while someone has their head between them. It would kill them (although they would be enjoying it right before death).

        • #2523159

          JD, you are a star! :D

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to time to rock!

          I love that one. I always liked Jefferson Airplane and White Rabbit but had not seen this clip.

          Good catch. 🙂

        • #2523107

          I just LOVE youtube

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to JD, you are a star! :D

          I can now see just about anything, anytime I want, not just the pop culture crap that is wasting time and space.

          My boys and I will sit around youtubing at night together instead of watching tv. much more fun, and more interactive. I have a few systems side by side, so we see who can find the funniest or coolest videos.

          All you need is the imagination on what to look for!

          The Britney Spears Death Metal video still cracks me up. 😀

          I saw this a few years ago, and it is cool that it is available here.

          This is the ULTIMATE “some people have WAY too much time on their hands” video!

        • #2523087

          Britney Death Metal?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to I just LOVE youtube

          I haven’t seen that one. Do you have the link?

          (edited to note that I found it… Hillarious!)

          This is a cute one. You have probably seen it too. Darth calls to apologize to Palpatine after the Death Star is blown up.

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y91RRfDlG4

          Hey, I wonder if this will work…

          Hmmm.

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