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Friday Yuk - August 10, 2012

By PurpleSkys Moderator ·
Tags: Off Topic
You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.

__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is
No better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then,
it was too late..'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say - talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to
forgive him, and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'

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Those ar pretty good, so I'll chime in...

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
______________________________________________________

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
_______________________________________________________________

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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OK, a bit late, but I'm a lot slow lately -

by Deadly Ernest In reply to Friday Yuk - August 10, 2 ...

An older gentleman recounted a recent visit to his favourite granddaughter and her husband,, about a week after they returned from their honeymoon.

After an hour or so, I asked, "John, can I borrow your newspaper for a moment?"

The new grandson handed over a small electronic package and said, "Get with the times, grandad! Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!

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I like it

by Slayer_ In reply to OK, a bit late, but I'm a ...

I bet that has actually happened

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How it all started

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk - August 10, 2 ...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called 'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between - to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long ... and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success!
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
Named simply - Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or 'NERDS'.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'
"YAHOO!!" said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as -
God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything ... 'GOOGLE'!

That is how it all started.
And that is, of course, the truth.

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