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Friday Yuk, July 20 2012

By wizard57m-cnet Moderator ·
Tags: Off Topic
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into
Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to ****."

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How to Please Your I.T. Department

by PurpleSkys In reply to Friday Yuk, July 20 2012

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

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Here's a little diddy I came up with (yes, this one is mine)

by wizard57m-cnet Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk, July 20 2012

Why men can be irritable...

Women often wonder why men are sometimes irritable. It's really no mystery!
When we're born, we are squeezed from our comfortable warm enclosure,
we're prompty spatted on the butt til we scream, then we're thrown on the coldest
set of scales the hospital can find which triggers our urination reflex. If we're
lucky, we hit a nurse or maybe even the doctor with the urine stream, but normally
they are prepared and block the stream so that we end up wetting ourselves.
Then, before we even know we have the part, many times the doctors are cutting
pieces off, calling it "circumcision, for our benefit"! After that, someone inevitably
is poking a cold thermometer up our butt, putting stinging drops in our eyes, and
sticking needles in our feet for "our protection". So, now that they have us in pain,
crying in tears, they wrap the skimpiest blanket they can find as tight as they can
in some strange ritual to simulate where we just came from...it fails of course.
Then they throw us in a plastic bin, wheel us away to a room full of other mistreated
souls, and tell the parents "Congratulations, you have a new bundle of joy!"
Joy? Are you blind? I'm not happy here!
All the while we're left screaming and cold. As if that weren't enough, the sadists
decide to turn on the lights as bright as they can, perhaps some sort of torture
mechanism to extract a confession? Don't they realize at that early age we
can't speak? Finally, after an indeterminable amount of time, they allow our parents
to at least hold us in an attempt to offer some comfort...but only for a short while!
Then it's back to the lighted torture chamber with the rest of the unfortunate ones.
To add insult to injury, the staff seems to derive some sort of demented pleasure
from opening curtains to "viewing windows" and allowing our pain and suffering
to be displayed for all the world to see.
So, do you still wonder why men get irritable?

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All Girl Biker Bar

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk, July 20 2012

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that
you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Col

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