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  • #2231156

    Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

    Locked

    by dryflies ·

    Ok, its thursday here, but if I don’t do it now the aussies or germans will beat me to it. that better?

    A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science, tentatively named administratium. Administratium has 1 neutron 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic weight of 312. The 312 particals are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of peons.

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    • #2661282

      Ha! :D

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      Perfect for starting a Friday Yuk! Early. Maybe you could edit your post title to start it?

    • #2661278

      New Element Discovered

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      That is a very good discovery, I must admit. Now, if we can ever determine how to control the ‘moron’ forces, or the herds of ‘peons’ — oh wait, that is MS mentality

      • #2661277

        I thought the herds of peons were already under control…

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to New Element Discovered

        via the ‘tax them to death’ methodology in combination with the ‘media disinformation’ machine and the ‘welfare state’ manipulation mechanism?

    • #2661271

      re: that better?

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      Yes! But only if you think so! 🙂

    • #2661270

      For Bubba69

      by dryflies ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      How do you give a rednect a vasectomy?
      put an M80 in a can, light the fuse, give it to him and ask him to count to ten.

      I remebered this after reading your coircumsize joke from last week. LOL

      • #2661266

        “[u]coircumsize[/u] joke” ?

        by absolutely ·

        In reply to For Bubba69

        the South American martial art of distracting opponents with humor to perform a foreskin-removing attack?

    • #2661264

      That is a [u]MOST EXCELLENT[/u] joke!

      by absolutely ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      If I may, “morons” and “peons” sound more like particles than forces, but accuracy doesn’t need to spoil the joke, because real particles are known to [u]mediate[/u] forces. Photons “tell” distant charged particles where other charged particles are, for example. So, when I re-tell this joke, the last sentence will go:

      [i]The 312 particles are held together by a force called incompeticity, which is mediated by a filmy puddle of morons surrounded by vast quantities of peons.[/i]

      I hope you don’t mind! :^0

      • #2661261

        Much Better!

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to That is a [u]MOST EXCELLENT[/u] joke!

        I like it.

      • #2647611

        no problem,

        by dryflies ·

        In reply to That is a [u]MOST EXCELLENT[/u] joke!

        It’s not like I made it up myself. 🙂

      • #2649032

        There you go again…

        by jessie ·

        In reply to That is a [u]MOST EXCELLENT[/u] joke!

        I haven’t been here in ages and here you are acting like a brainiac again… I will admit, it’s funnier your way… and also makes it not just a joke, but a test, only those who actually paid attention in their high school science classes will actually get it! :p

        • #2648992

          Acting?

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to There you go again…

          [i]I haven’t been here in ages and here you are acting like a brainiac again…[/i]

          Where have you been?

        • #3320231

          Away from YOU ;)

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Acting?

          And otherwise busy moving into a new 4 bedroom place with the hubby and kiddos. Plus, we only have 5 computers in the house so me and the 2 year old are usually out of luck when it comes to computer time.

        • #3320005

          Here is an idea that a friend of mine did once

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Away from YOU ;)

          however you need a comp avail to do it…

          He installed PC Anywhere on 2 systems. whenever he wanted to use his ‘main’ system, he would take control of the mouse and jiggle it, or try to mimic his wifes movements with it, and then move it elsewhere as well.
          it annoyed her like crazy, so she complained and went to do something else.
          then it was all his again.

          There is much more invisible SW out there these days, and you can probably get it on a pda as well (wouldnt that rock).

        • #2647156

          That’d work for the kids…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Here is an idea that a friend of mine did once

          But unfortunately, the hubby and I met when we were both working in tech support for one of those big computer maker companies… and he knows just as much if not more about programs like back orifice as I do…

          …and playing that particular trick on one of the kids is liable to cause more WHINING than I’m equipped to handle!

        • #2647154

          but it would be a good stress releif

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to That’d work for the kids…

          to mess with them, and kill their characters while they are playing games. A few ‘oops’ mouse moves and/or a few ‘oops’ grenade tosses and viola, you feel better….
          However, if they get like that German kid on youtube, smack them around a bit more…

        • #2647152

          Or I could…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to That’d work for the kids…

          Just skip straight to the smacking them around a bit more… especially the teenagers… I’m sure they’ve done SOMETHING to deserve it… given that they’re both boys.

          Nah… my 16 year old pretends he’s still intimidated by his momma but I’m pretty sure my little 6’4″ 320 lb offensive lineman can kick my A$$. :S

          [i]edited to fix the smiley[/i]

        • #2647149

          Good for you :)

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to That’d work for the kids…

          you have instilled a psychological FEAR of you in him. This is a good thing….

        • #3320009

          Touch?!

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to There you go again…

          [i]I haven’t been here in ages and here you are acting like a brainiac again…[/i]

          At first, I found it annoying that you would criticize or complain about somebody on a technology site displaying knowledge. Then, I noticed that the subject was already physical forces and subatomic particles, before my comment. I just want to salute you for the layers of irony. It’s a rare skill to be able to tell a joke that gets funnier with time, after you deliver the punch line.

        • #2647153

          Yeah, that’s the ticket!

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Touch?!

          I was building irony… yeah, that’s what I was doing, yeah. I think you’re giving me more credit than my meager 141 IQ can accept… either that, or you just think too much.

          My favorite example of irony is still a very pregnant 16 year old black high school student named CleShay (all too true).

      • #3319597

        Original of this (predates August 2005 by some time)

        by rick_from_bc ·

        In reply to That is a [u]MOST EXCELLENT[/u] joke!

        A major research institution has recently announced the
        discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
        The new element has been named ?Governmentium.?
        Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75
        deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
        it an atomic mass of 312.
        These particles are held together by forces called morons,
        which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
        particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no
        electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it
        impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
        A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction to
        take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take
        less than a second.
        GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it
        does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
        which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
        neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium?s mass
        will actually increase over time, since each reorganization
        will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
        isodopes.
        This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
        scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
        whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
        concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
        ?Critical Morass.?
        When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
        Administratium – an element that radiates just as much
        energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many
        morons.

    • #2661263

      Getting screwed

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

      As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
      sitting in a used car.

      He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
      Were they trying to steal it?

      “Heavens no, we bought it.”

      “Then why don’t you drive it away.”

      “We can’t drive.”

      “Then why did you buy it?”

      “We were told that if we bought a Used car here we’d get screwed …so
      we’re just waiting.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2661262

      100 Reasons that beer is better than women

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      1. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
      2. BEER stains wash out.
      3. You don’t have to wine and dine a BEER.
      4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
      5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
      6. BEER is never late.
      7. HANGOVERS go away.
      8. A BEER doesn’t get jealous when you grab another BEER.
      9. BEER labels come off without a fight.
      10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
      11. BEER never has a headache.
      12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
      13. A BEER won’t get upset if you come home with BEER on your
      breath.
      14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
      15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
      16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
      17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
      18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
      19. A BEER is always wet.
      20. BEER doesn’t demand equality.
      21. A BEER doesn’t care when you come.
      22. You can have a BEER in public.
      23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
      24. You don’t have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
      25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
      26. BEER doesn’t mind being in the “wet spot” that IT left.
      27. You can’t catch anything but a “buzz” from a BEER.
      28. After you have a BEER, you’re committed to nothing other than
      dumping the
      empty bottle.
      29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves
      you thirsty.
      30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
      31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
      32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
      33. BEER doesn’t look you up in a month.
      34. BEER doesn’t worry about someone walking in.
      35. BEER doesn’t worry about waking the kids.
      36. BEER doesn’t get cramps.
      37. BEER doesn’t have a mother.
      38. BEER doesn’t have morals.
      39. BEER doesn’t go crazy once a month.
      40. BEER always listens and never argues.
      41. BEER labels don’t go out of style every year.
      42. BEER doesn’t whine, it bubbles.
      43. BEER doesn’t have cold hands/feet.
      44. BEER doesn’t demand legality.
      45. BEER is never overweight.
      46. If you change BEERs, you don’t have to pay alimony.
      47. BEER won’t run off with your credit cards.
      48. BEER doesn’t have a lawyer.
      49. BEER doesn’t need much closet space.
      50. BEER can’t give your herpes or other nasty things.
      51. BEER doesn’t complain about the way you drive.
      52. BEER doesn’t mind if you fart or belch.
      53. BEER never changes its mind.
      54. BEER doesn’t tease you or play hard to get.
      55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
      56. BEER doesn’t make you go shopping.
      57. BEER doesn’t tell you to mow the grass.
      58. BEER doesn’t mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson
      flicks.
      59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
      60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
      61. BEER doesn’t pout or play games.
      62. BEER NEVER says no.
      63. BEER is easy to get into.
      64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
      65. BEER doesn’t need to go to the ‘powder room’ with other BEERs.
      66. BEER doesn’t wear a bra.
      67. BEER doesn’t mind getting dirty.
      68. BEER doesn’t complain about insensitivity.
      69. BEER doesn’t use up your toilet paper.
      70. BEER doesn’t live with its mother.
      71. BEER doesn’t blow you off.
      72. BEER doesn’t care if you have no culture or manners.
      73. BEER doesn’t bitch, yell, or cry.
      74. BEER doesn’t mind football season.
      75. A BEER won’t make you go to church.
      76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell “carburetor” than a
      woman.
      77. A BEER doesn’t think baseball is stupid simply because the guys
      spit.
      78. A BEER doesn’t think DOS is pronounced “dose”.
      79. A BEER doesn’t give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs
      around.
      80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials
      wit babies are
      “cute”.
      81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a
      while.
      82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say “doberman”
      instead of
      “doberperson”.
      83. A BEER won’t get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of
      lesbian folk music on
      your favorite radio station.
      84. A BEER won’t claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
      85. A BEER won’t raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
      toilet seat up.
      86. If you mention a “three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8” around a
      BEER, it won’t think
      you’re talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
      87. A BEER won’t whine that seatbelts hurt.
      88. A BEER won’t smoke in your car.
      89. A BEER won’t argue that there’s no difference between
      shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and
      blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
      90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
      91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share
      your enthusiasm for
      getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic
      Games in
      Barcelona.
      92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
      93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
      94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
      95. BEER tastes *good*.
      96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then
      decide to drink it, the
      BEER won’t accuse you of “date rape”.
      97. A BEER won’t raise any objections to an evening of watching
      “John Holmes’
      Greatest Hits” on your VCR.
      98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
      99. A BEER won’t make you pick up some tampons when you go to the
      grocery
      store.
      100. A BEER won’t accuse you of lying when you say you read
      Penthouse “just for
      the articles”. (You *are* lying, but the BEER won’t accuse you of
      it.)

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2661260

      A Chicken, a Horse and a Harley Davidson

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
      together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
      began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
      go get the farmer for help!
      Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
      Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
      avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
      chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition,
      the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to
      save his friend’s life.
      Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
      arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
      rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
      bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and
      with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse.
      Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the
      farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
      The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
      Pals.
      A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
      began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
      The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
      Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and
      he would then lift him out of the pit.
      The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
      his life.
      [b]The moral of the story? :

      [i]When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!![/i]

      Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2661258

      A Guy Walks Into a Bar…………Some Shaggy Dog Stoies

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
      says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

      An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do I come here
      often?”

      A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

      A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. “Got any ID?”
      asks the bartender. The Texan replies, “About what?”

      A pair of battery jumpers walk into a bar. The bartender says,
      “You can come in here, but you better not start anything!”

      A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.”
      The bartender asks him. “Don’t you mean martini?” The man tells the
      bartender, “Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have
      asked for them.”

      A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “So, why the long
      face?” A variant on this joke during the 2004 presidential campaign
      substituted John Kerry for the horse, but the punch line remains the
      same.

      A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father
      been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look
      like?”

      A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a
      beer, please.” The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re
      out of your head.”

      A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them
      and the bartender says, “Don’t you want to know where the toilet
      is?” The pig says, “No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

      Ren? Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him
      if he’d like another drink. Descartes says, “I think not,” and he
      disappears.

      A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and . . . . a
      packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?”

      A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says,
      “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in
      here.” The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to
      understand.”

      A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

      A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we
      don’t serve food in here.”

      A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a
      Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’
      fer the man that shot my paw.”

      A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the
      bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.

      A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a
      celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The
      grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

      A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The
      bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”

      A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The
      man asks, “Does your dog bite?” The lady answers, “Never!” The man
      reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man
      says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies,
      “He doesn’t. That’s not my dog.”

      A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The
      guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, “What are you
      staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”
      The guy says, “Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell
      the place.”

      A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”
      The skeleton says, “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

      A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender
      says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

      A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman:
      “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?” “Are you walking or
      driving?” asks the barman. “Driving,” says a man. “That’s the
      quickest way,” says the barman.

      A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits
      down, and says, “Give me a beer. I’ve had a rough day at work.” And
      the bartender says, “Oh? What do you do?” The guy says, “I take care
      of the corgis–you know, the dogs the royal family owns.” The
      bartender asks, “Tough job, huh? The guy says, “Yeah. All that
      inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the
      dogs aren’t too smart, either.”

      A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble
      starts.” And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says,
      “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one
      and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble
      starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble
      going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I
      tell you that I don’t have any money.”

      A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing
      poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?” And the
      bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too smart. Whenever he has a
      good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

      This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of
      brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and
      boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff
      arrives and arrests him for rustling.

      A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive
      30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the
      other. The bartender says, “You seem to be in a great hurry.” The
      guy says, “You would be too if you had what I have.” The bartender
      asks, “What have you got? “Fifty cents,” is the reply.

      A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas
      time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says,
      “That’s a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are
      all wearing firemen’s hats?” And the bartender says, “Well, it says
      right there in the Bible–the three wise men came from afar.”

      A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped
      the beer, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie.” Looking around, he saw
      that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips
      later, another voice said, “Beautiful shirt.” At this, the man calls
      the bartender over. “Say, I must be losing my mind,” he tells him.
      “I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a
      soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” explains the bartender,
      indicating a dish on the bar. “The peanuts?” “That’s right, the
      peanuts–they’re complementary.”

      A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, “A beer for me and
      one for my giraffe.” And they stand around drinking for hours until
      the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets
      up to leave. The bartender says, “Hey! You’re not going to leave
      that lyin’ on the floor, are you?” The man says, “That’s not a lion,
      it’s a giraffe.”

      A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender
      says, “Hey buddy, can’t you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed!
      Get that mutt out of here!” The man replies, “No, I can’t read the
      sign–I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender is
      embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day,
      the man tells his friend about it: “I told him I was blind, and I
      got a free beer!” The friend then takes his dog into the bar and
      sits down. The bartender says, “The sign says no dogs allowed!
      You’ll have to leave!” The friend says, “Sorry, I can’t see the sign
      because I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender
      replies, “Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye
      dogs?” The man says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

      A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and
      swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, “Hey, buddy, what
      are you doing?” And the blind man says, “Don’t mind me. I’m just
      looking around.”

      A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him,
      “What’s the matter?” The man says, “My wife and I had a fight, and
      she told me she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month. The month
      is up today.”

      This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket
      and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still
      another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, “What are
      you doing? What’s in your pocket?” And the guy says, “It’s a picture
      of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it’s time to
      go home.”

    • #2647730

      Three Men on a Hike

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      > Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
      > violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
      > “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”
      >
      > Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
      > across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
      >
      > After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
      > “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river”
      >
      > Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
      > able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
      >
      > Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
      > “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
      > the river”
      >
      > Poof! … He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
      > hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
      >

      > “If at first you don’t succeed, do it the way your wife told you!”

      • #2647729

        Another heartwarming joke

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Three Men on a Hike

        Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

        They weren’t able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, her role in life is complete. She married a nice, genuine man, gave him four healthy children and raised them to be the strong, independent young adults they are today.S he also said that she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and that this last sacrifice is just a symbol of the many sacrifices she has made for her family and friends throughout her life.

        As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

        • #2647702

          Nice :)

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Another heartwarming joke

          Rob

        • #2647660

          I figured it would end like that, but….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Another heartwarming joke

          I figured it would involve her showing mommy parts…… 🙁

          [i]
          Yeah, it is a gift… 😀

        • #2647583

          So what you are insisting here Shelly is

          by oh smeg ·

          In reply to Another heartwarming joke

          That all the men gave her the [b]Clap[/b] right?

          Maybe Beth needs to have a look above. 😀

          OH just to add [b]I is back![/b] No no one ask about the move as [b]SWMBO[/b] is still ranting and raving about missing things which she discovers 3 days latter after driving me nuts looking for things that are not where she insists that they must be. 🙁

          Of course they are easily found when not looking for them but [b]SWMBO[/b] likes to get a Bee In Her Bonnet and continue to look when it is blatantly obvious that she will not find whatever it is that she insists must be found NOW! Of course it gives her the chance to abuse me for doing things wrong again and the fact that when found the boxes have her writing on them has no bearing on the situation. 🙁

          Col ]:)

        • #2647547

          Welcome Back!

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to So what you are insisting here Shelly is

          I missed your sense of humor here, good start for a return :^0

        • #2647541

          Making the classic mistake

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to So what you are insisting here Shelly is

          trying to apply LOGIC and REASON to the thought processes of women. silly boy, you should know better by now.

          At least we got the secret to getting mommy parts this week, so it hasn’t been a total loss! B-)

      • #2647606

        so whats the fun in that?

        by dryflies ·

        In reply to Three Men on a Hike

        A real man would prefer to almost drown. where’s the fun in just walking across a bridge. 🙂

        • #2647540

          At least we know where they were going now

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to so whats the fun in that?

          California, where all the men turn into women….. :0

        • #2647536

          What???

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to At least we know where they were going now

          You are making no sense whatsoever. Real Men, in Ca. dont listen to show tunes either!!!

          AND
          There are Plenty of real men in Ca. You got your facts wrong again JD.

        • #2647533

          As Mae would say

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to What???

          “Someone doth protesteth to much…..”

          😀

        • #2647495

          Nah, just pointing out that you are WRONG again :)

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to As Mae would say

          :^0

          Of course, I probably did not need to point it out, it is already generally known :^0 :^0

        • #2647490

          Keep telling yourself that…..

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Nah, just pointing out that you are WRONG again :)

          I notice that is a pretty limp wrist you are pointing with…… :p

        • #2647485

          You know JD

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Nah, just pointing out that you are WRONG again :)

          Wishing and actualities are not the same thing.
          You should get a handle on your delusions a bit…

        • #2649028

          Lots of real men in CA!!!

          by jessie ·

          In reply to What???

          After all, there’s a Naval base there!

          Oh wait, never mind!

        • #2647519

          My outlaws live in Northern Cal

          by dryflies ·

          In reply to At least we know where they were going now

          And I have to tell you there are Real men in CA. You haven’t seen a real redneck until you’ve met my father outlaw. the favorite activity after you are done taking care of the stock and fields is to get in the pickup with a half rack of beer (not real beer but that fizzy yellow stuff) and wander around the dirt roads looking for game.

        • #2647506

          Does that mean the Gubinator is

          by ic-it ·

          In reply to At least we know where they were going now

          now a “Girly Man”? :0

        • #2649104

          oopsie JD, wrong coast there…

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to At least we know where they were going now

          after all, the “riot” that started the “gay rights” movement was at the Transsexual bar “Stonewall pub” in NEW YORK.

          So logically, it’s everyone on the east coast thats male is becoming female. ]:)
          [ go figger, Washington DC is on the east coast ] ]:)

        • #2646876

          I have a theory about that Jaqui

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to oopsie JD, wrong coast there…

          Everyone knows that cars give off toxic gases. Cities like that have a higher concentration of cars, so a higher concentration of gases.

          It also explains why there are more liberals in CA and NY than in the smaller cities. Brain damage….. ;\

        • #2646844

          tee-hee! :D

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to I have a theory about that Jaqui

          .

        • #3321239

          JD, the REAL reason

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to I have a theory about that Jaqui

          And as a native Californian, I can say this-

          In order to live in Southern California, you must consent to having “Mattel”
          stamped on your tail. If you are female, your boobs also need to be enhanced
          and lifted to your throat. If you are male, you genitalia is “re-molded” to an
          approximation of a sports cup. A pre-frontal lobotomy and you’re ready for
          California politics! 😀

          Of course, the intelligent ones escape over the border before this occurs. It
          worked for me, anyway!

        • #3321125

          that doesn’t explain

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to I have a theory about that Jaqui

          Bush.

        • #3321120

          Maybe Texas has a similar tradition?

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to that doesn’t explain

          I’m guessing here.

          😀

        • #3320831

          Oh, come on Jaqui……

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to that doesn’t explain

          Car exhaust is not the only cause of mental retardation and you know it! ;\

    • #2647692

      Three

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      A woman goes to the doctors and says, “please can you help me, I?ve got three vaginas.”

      The doctor says, “OK, let’s have a look then shall we?”. He takes a look and sure enough, the woman has three vaginas.

      So he takes a sticking-plaster and puts it on the left one. Then he takes another sticking-plaster and puts it on the right one.

      The woman looks confused, “will this make them heal up and go away?”, she asks.

      “Oh, no”, he replies, “but it will stop you getting fukt left right and centre”.

      • #2647659

        would it

        by rob mekel ·

        In reply to Three

        help in politics aswell :^0
        If it does … then let’s go for it 😀

        Rob

    • #2647684

      Great Replies

      by mr.wiz ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building’ by George Bush.

      He answered by saying, ‘Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.

      You could have heard a pin drop.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying ‘Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?’ A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: ‘Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?’

      You could have heard a pin drop.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, ‘whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.’ He then asked, ‘Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?’ Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied ‘Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have t o spe a k German.’

      You could have heard a pin drop.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE…

      A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.” The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.” “Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!” The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ’44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any damn Frenchmen to show it to.”

      You could have heard a pin drop

      • #2647621

        work or pleasure?

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Great Replies

        The C.O.’s Morning Briefing:

        The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’

        The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

        A Captain said it was 50-50%.

        The Colonel’s Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

        There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

        With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

        The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

        “Well Sir, began the PFC, “if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

        The room fell silent. God Bless the Armed Services.

      • #2647502

        That’s because the “real” French men

        by ic-it ·

        In reply to Great Replies

        were underground.
        😉

      • #2647166

        Thanks

        by michael jay ·

        In reply to Great Replies

        Mr. Wiz, so nice to hear nice things said about America.

        Proud to be an American, and glad to hear that others are too.

    • #2647644

      A Really Ugly Woman or JD’s ex. :^0

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      A Really Ugly Woman

      An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

      The shopkeeper asks “Are they twins”?

      The woman says “No, he’s 9 and she’s 7. Why? Do you think they look
      alike?”

      “No”, he replies “I just can’t believe you got laid twice”!

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

      • #2647640

        I had always heard this one

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to A Really Ugly Woman or JD’s ex. :^0

        as a real beotchy woman.

        a lot easier to use a paper bag than to ear muffs…..

        ;\

        • #2647557

          You could have used a flag

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to I had always heard this one

          Done it for “Ol’ Glory”. Glad to see you’re okay.

          [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

        • #2647548

          Holding on

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to You could have used a flag

          There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just remind myself that it is only money.

          All the things that count are going just great. 😀
          [b]
          Another advantage of ugly over bitch, that is why lights can be turned off….. :^0

        • #2647491

          Like they say, “In the dark, all cats are grey.” ;) :^0

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Holding on

          .

        • #2647489

          that

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Like they say, “In the dark, all cats are grey.” ;) :^0

          is a visual I could have done without…. grey….. :0

        • #2649025

          MEOW!

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Like they say, “In the dark, all cats are grey.” ;) :^0

          Prrrrrrr.

        • #2649024

          Now Why did that

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          turn me on!!!

          I wonder if it could be because you live in the “Show Me State”.

        • #3320230

          No doubt because

          by jessie ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          You’re a WEIRDO! 😀

        • #3320020

          I much prefer

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          PERV…. LOL

        • #2647148

          Really?

          by jessie ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          so you’re a cheggit member?

        • #2647143

          You Made Me

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          look up cheggit. No, I am not a member, I have exclusive rights on being a ‘weirdo’ and ‘perv’… :^0

        • #2647137

          No Scummy, no!

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          “have exclusive rights on being a ‘weirdo’ and ‘perv’…”

          I’ll give you perv but I have worked too long and hard for ‘weirdo’. You cannot have exclusive rights to that, and frankly I’m not not particularly willing to share them at all!

          Well, maybe if you ask weirdly… 😉

        • #2646919

          But, But

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          I was the one called a weirdo… So I am not exclusive?

          Nope, you cannot have it!!! :^0

        • #3321137

          I’m afraid neither of you

          by jessie ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          get to have exclusive rights to ‘perv’ or ‘weirdo.’ If anything, every member of this forum lives in those two categories, even if only in secret.

          No secret about me, I’m female gutterslime and I LIKE IT THAT WAY!!!

        • #3321127

          hey Jessie

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          when you feel like being even more slimy than gutter slime, the Tr Sewer is up and running, and I’m getting lonely in it, even gg isn’t playing in the sewer. 🙁

        • #3320983

          Awww, poor baby Jaqui

          by jessie ·

          In reply to MEOW!

          We should sell tickets to TR gutterslime wrestling.

        • #2647482

          That’s why God invented

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to I had always heard this one

          the light switch.
          [never mind. Someone already said it.]

    • #2647636

      Celibacy or …

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

      The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

      He asks the old monk what’s wrong, and in a choked voice comes the reply…”The word is ‘celebrate.'”

      —————
      Have a great weekend all :0
      Rob

    • #2647632

      Why men shouldn’t write advice columns

      by jellimonsta ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      Dear Walter:

      I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn?t gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband?s help.

      When I got home I couldn?t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

      I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn?t find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he?d been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

      He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don?t feel I can get through to him anymore.

      Can you please help?

      Sincerely,
      Sheila

      Reply

      Dear Sheila:

      A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

    • #2647600

      how to impress

      by dryflies ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      man impress a woman:
      take her out to dinner at an exclusive restaurant and have violinist serenade her. follow that with a show at the theatre and then a long walk while you discuss your thoughts an feelings as a couple making sure that she feels involved in the conversation. then go back to her home and give her a massage followed by sensitive lovemaking and cuddle with her for the rest of the night.

      woman impress a man:
      Show up naked, bring food.

      • #2647591

        Haha…

        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to how to impress

        Isn’t that the truth!?!? 😀

        • #2647551

          truth, yes

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Haha…

          but I don’t understand what your laughing about? ;\

      • #2647552

        Skip food, bring booze!!! ;) :^0

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to how to impress

        .

        • #2647470

          Skip food, skip booze – even skip naked

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Skip food, bring booze!!! ;) :^0

          Just show up.

          Desperation is NOT pretty…

        • #2647423
          Avatar photo

          So I see Neil you are still suffering

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Skip food, skip booze – even skip naked

          From Standing Up GG all that time ago. 😀

          It’s nice to know not to upset GG as I don’t like the continences that you are currently suffering. :^0

          I just hope that GG doesn’t take your above post as a comment about her being a Elephant or you’ll be suffering even longer. 🙁

          Col ]:)

    • #2647544

      Watch out !! …..Beadle’s NOT About !!!

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      Just in case you missed the news over the last 48 hours, the world of comedy lost their No.1 Prankster. I?m sure he?ll be laughing at these funnies below, as well as the attachment above and below ? enjoy…..

      What?s got one face, one big hand, one small hand, winds up and has stopped working ? Jeremy Beadle

      NEWSFLASH!! It is now believed that Jeremy Beadle had a small hand in his own death

      Jeremy Beadle?s family have asked that rather than holding a minutes silence at his funeral, mourners should just give him a big hand

      After Jeremy Beadle?s funeral, his family will be holding a wake, where food will be available ? nothing too lavish, just a small finger buffet

      Jeremy Beadle R.I.P. Time of death 19.00 ? the big hand was on 12, and the little hand on 7

      Jeremy Beadle?s last request was that his remains be recycled into compost and scattered on his garden. ITV sources say he could be back late Summer with ?Watch out, Beadle?s a sprout.?

      • #2647487

        Beadle??? Must be a Brit thing. Never heard of him over here.

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Watch out !! …..Beadle’s NOT About !!!

        For that matter, I never heard of him over there either and I get there every now and then, although I’ll admit, not for at least two years. Usually I’m in Germany, Spain, The Netherlands or unfortunately France, mostly on business.

        [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

      • #2647472

        Why stop there?

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Watch out !! …..Beadle’s NOT About !!!

        Let’s have a few ‘Maddy McCann jokes…

        • #2647462

          Ugh…

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to Why stop there?

          I don’t even want to know any of those!

        • #2647446

          You don’t. Trust me in that

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Ugh…

          I didn’t particularly want to see the Beadle ones. I had a whole bunch in my email that I deleted unread. Poor guy had cancer – cured – then leukaemia – cured – then died of pneumonia at the age of 59. All this on top of the life-long illness that gave him a shrunken right side and hand.

          Despite this lot, he always came over as a really nice guy who made crap TV programmes. I used to listen to him on his Talk Radio programme when I was out driving and thought he did a good show.

          What surprises me is why anyone would post such mindless crap but what really is strange is why anyone would post it on a website where 95% of the readers wouldn’t even understand it!

          Sometimes, the wrong people die.

          Neil 🙂

    • #2647459

      Kinda funny, kinda not.

      by tonythetiger ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      Those handicapped signs at the entrances to buildings and such have braille at the bottom… [b]How are blind people supposed to know where the sign is?[/b]

      And how do we know that the braille writing says the same thing the sign does…. maybe they all say the same thing…

      [i]”I don’t know how on earth you managed to find this sign!”[/i]
      🙂

      • #2647449

        I often wonder about Braille on the drive through teller machines. ?:|

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Kinda funny, kinda not.

        .

      • #2647445

        Stupid people

        by gsg ·

        In reply to Kinda funny, kinda not.

        It’s all for the same reason that coffee from the drive through has to be labeled, “Caution, Hot”, and a hair dryer has to have a label warning against using it in the shower. Because someone had to find a reason to sue. Yes, we need to provide accessibility for the differently abled, but let’s be reasonable about it. Why do they provide Braille signs in the bookstore that I frequent that does not provide braille books, but the same bookstore does not have automatic doors that someone using a wheelchair or crutches has a difficult time opening?

        • #2647440

          Signs

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to Stupid people

          A braille sign costs a heck of a lot less than an automatic door, thats why! :p

        • #2647398

          Riiiiiiight !!!!

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Signs

          .

        • #2649103

          making a braille sign

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Signs

          put a bit of tin up against the wall.
          stand back about 100 feet.
          load the 20 gauge shotgun with bird pellets
          fire at tin.

          instant braille sign. ]:)

        • #2649000

          Hmm….

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to making a braille sign

          What does it say though?

          We should let the blind make their own sign. Give them some independence and show our support. Just need to make sure they are all facing the right way though. Wow… I am so non pc any more. :p

        • #3320745

          hair dryer

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Stupid people

          I wonder why the label on the hair dryer isn’t in braille. 🙂

    • #2647453

      Mistaken identity…

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

      He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

      To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

      Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

      She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

    • #2647431

      Who Wants Hooters???

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      Ok, this one requires a YouTube login, so I will just tell you what to search for. But it is funny!

      Go to youtube.com and search for

      “Hooters is second best”

      P.S. — Just to mention — not at work (I was not given this info, just an email attachment).

    • #2647285

      [i][u]”It’s contagious”[/i][/u] :0 :^0

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      One day the teacher asked her students to use the word
      “contagious” in a phrase.

      Sarah lifts up her hand and says, “Teacher, teacher I got one!!”
      “A cold is contagious!”

      The teacher is very happy.

      Tommy lifts up his hand and says,
      “Teacher… yawning is contagious”…

      “That’s pretty good Tom!!

      Finally, little Johnny lifts up his hand and says,

      ” Oh…Oh…I got one…The other day, as my mother was mowing the lawn, my father looked out the window and said it will take that contagious to finish!!”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2649125

      Ok, a dumb blonde joke

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      I ran across this, and thought to share. I know, it is bad, but deal with it!

      The Blonde Cookbook

      It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

      Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

      A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

      Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

      I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

      Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

      Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all! I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

      GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

    • #2649109
      Avatar photo

      I believe that it was Shelly who mentined Hellocopters So blame her

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      [i]WARNING FOR ALL OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVES out there..- DON’T whatever you do, start this unless you want to write off the rest of your day[/i]

      [b]THINK YOU CAN FLY A HELICOPTER ?[/b]

      Read directions first before you start..
      You must hold the left mouse button down to go up…release to go down…MOST DIFFICULT

      Some people have worn their finger out on this. If you are working for a living, do not forward to your co-workers.. The rest of the day will be useless to the company..

      Think you can fly a helicopter? Click on the link below and give it a whirl!

      Click on this: > http://tinyurl.com/7pry

      • #2649107

        :D lol! Dead link Hal.

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to I believe that it was Shelly who mentined Hellocopters So blame her

        or was that the joke and my brain leaked out my ears again last night?

        • #2649097
          Avatar photo

          OK I’ve fixed it up

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to :D lol! Dead link Hal.

          The link wasn’t inserted because of TR Server Maintenance.
          I did add the Tiny URL but apparently when I tried to look I got a Page Unavailable because of Server Maintenance warning. 🙁

          All fixed now though it was probably better without the working link. 😀

          Col ]:)

      • #2649062

        Oh sure

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to I believe that it was Shelly who mentined Hellocopters So blame her

        just go ahead and blame the canadian chick…

        hum Blame Canada….

        • #2649058

          when the shoe fits

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Oh sure

          why not! Otherwiase, just blame Shelly anyway!!! :^0

        • #2649047

          You can take the chick out of Canada but can you take Canada …….. ;)

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Oh sure

          out of the chick. Now there`s a DE for you to ponder.

        • #2646875

          wow

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to You can take the chick out of Canada but can you take Canada …….. ;)

          THAT would hurt….. :0

        • #3321171

          Been thinking

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to You can take the chick out of Canada but can you take Canada …….. ;)

          about this..still not sure what to make of it

        • #3321150

          been thinking?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Been thinking

          did it hurt? :0

          😡

        • #3321135

          If it were YOU…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to been thinking?

          …that said, you’d been thinking JD, I’d ask if we needed to call an ambulance for you… but since it was Shel, I’m sure she came up with something profound and is now in line for a Nobel prize.

        • #3321128

          No ambulance needed for me

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          I know better than to do the “T” word….. :p

          That word often gets followed by the other evil word, the “W” word….

          I was taught to not use such language! ;\

        • #3321058

          Say What???

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          When Shellbot starts a-thinking, peoples start a-dying…
          Just the excess gasses that are formed when a thought process actually starts taking the path through her brain causes people around her to start flopping around on the floor from nerve damage.

          Nobel Prize — HUH??? She couldnt even finish the thought, that is why there were no reports of dead people around her, or acts of terror

          :^0 :^0 :^0

        • #3320982

          Which W word?

          by jessie ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          wild?
          wood?
          work?
          willow?
          wysteria?

        • #3320974

          STOP IT!!!

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          You can NOT say that evil W word. I might have to taunt you if it continues!!! Never, Ever say it (or write it) again.

        • #3320971

          It MUST be Wysteria!! ;)

          by jessie ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

        • #3320963

          The Scummy One can hear

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          and read Wysteria without issue. Tis the EVIL W word that drives him crazy.

        • #3320959

          Then it must be

          by jessie ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          …wood… I’m so sorry you have such problems with wood Scummy.

        • #3320949

          Wrong Again

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          however, I think JD has problems with that one :0

          Edited to add — oops, I shouldnt have said that. I best hide again — oops, it was only a JD remark, no need!
          :^0

        • #3320930

          The Evil W word…

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          woolyboogar?
          woolybear?
          wienerschnitzel?
          warden?
          wabbler?
          wapper-eyed?
          wattle?
          whapper?
          whids?
          whipster?
          whirlygig?
          WORK????

          damn typo

        • #3320894

          scummy??

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          are you my husband??

          Just got a sense of deja vu reading your post..
          i’ve heard very similar things before….

          🙂

        • #3320834
          Avatar photo

          Where is Beth when she’s needed? :(

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          Quick someone tell Beth where to find numerous listings of that Disgusting 4 Letter word so she can delete the posts and have a very Stern Word to the Offenders. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3320816

          stop saying the word!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          i said it noooo!

          wait i said it again! ah!

          i did it again!

          nooooooooo i cant believe i said it! ahh!

        • #3320781

          Not You Too BoxFiddler!!! :0

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          oh, the agony!!!

          You posted the evil word. I am going to have to dub you “the Evil One” if you keep it up!!!

        • #3320625

          Couldn’t be helped!

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          these ‘windmills in the head’ are unstoppable!
          Oh, woe is me, waggish one that I am.

          Where is that freaking e-meter?

        • #3320623

          e-meter???

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          ???

        • #3320615

          e-meter…

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to If it were YOU…

          cheap shot reference to Scientology and auditing. Audit and e-meter used to help idetify ‘body-thetans’ hanging about and wreaking havoc…
          Wiser now? 😉

        • #3320892

          Well..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to been thinking?

          “hurt” may be to strong of a word..

          “Mildly unpleasant” maybe..
          Kind of a slight tingleing feelings..

          like.. ..ah..a mild current from an electric fence..my uncle used to have a weak-ish one around his garden…so used to have contests to see who could touch it the longest before it got too irritating..

        • #2648936
          Avatar photo

          Well we can see who didn’t click on the link can’t we? :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Oh sure

          :^0

    • #2664223

      Joke hoary with age

      by firstaborean ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      I remember this one going around before I had a computer running Windows. I’ve seen it in at least three variations. This version is very truncated. It was a good one then, and it still is, but can’t anybody come up with new material? Or are you trying to bring back Vaudeville?

      • #3319498

        See post 21 for a longer version from 2005 (NT)

        by rick_from_bc ·

        In reply to Joke hoary with age

        (added to get past the ‘posting blanks is not allowed’
        gremlin.

      • #3320365

        You don’t really need to be a jerk

        by dryflies ·

        In reply to Joke hoary with age

        This is about a yuk. If I had all new material, I would go for a standup routine, and not sitting in an office staring at a monitor day in and day out.

        It was funny then, it is funny now. your post on the other hand is just a downer. post it on friday downers. (I am trying to keep it clean Beth.)

        • #2647860

          Whoa, Dude, Lighten up!

          by rick_from_bc ·

          In reply to You don’t really need to be a jerk

          I wasn’t being snarky. Several people in the thread
          commented that they seemed to remember a longer
          version. I posted the longer version way earlier in the
          thread. Then the question came up again. I posted a
          pointer to the earlier posting.

          Seems like you are less in need of new material than new
          meds. Maybe a new brand of beer. Or just dial the
          “indignant-meter” down to “reasonable!”

        • #3321282

          sorry, not responding to you it was firstaborean

          by dryflies ·

          In reply to Whoa, Dude, Lighten up!

          that was being a jerk. I guess a better way to put it would be this joke is worth every penny you paid for it so don’t B**ch about it.

          but on the very abreviated, I retyped it direct from readers digest.

        • #2646500

          “indignant-meter” down to “reasonable!” ? WTF; a yuk even if unintentional

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Whoa, Dude, Lighten up!

          :^0

    • #2664086

      Morons

      by sboverie ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      It was postulated that the ultimate particle that makes up quarks, leptons, electrons and protons is the MORON”.

      I like this theory in that it explains the Big Bang origins of the universe. It takes a critical mass of morons and something goes wrong and BANG.

      This also explains why I get nervous when congress is in session!

    • #2648433

      The New Element is pretty old

      by oriverat ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      Archived in rec.humor.funny under general jokes 87-89, http://tinyurl.com/27u89j .

      However, that doesn’t mean it’s not still relevant. 🙂

    • #2648401

      Cute real Cute

      by bookkeeper ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk — New Element Discoverd

      Have to admit that one was pretty good. Keep it up hehehhe

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