General discussion

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #2169845

    Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

    Locked

    by bubba69 ·

    Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”

    First a little girl says “The sky is definitely blue” Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange…”

    Second little boy…”Trees are definitely green” “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”

    Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

    “Does a poots have lumps?”

    The teacher looks horrified and says…”Johnny! Of course not!!!”

    “OK…then I DEFINITELY $%^& my pants…”

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #2772098

      odds and ends

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
      A: Megasorass.

      Q:What’s another term for lesbian?
      A:Vagitarian.

      If you are unsure of what “shagging” means, [1]this list may help. LD

      A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

      “So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?”

      “Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.”

      “That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

      “So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?”

      “Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.”

      “That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher. “That’s how they do it in Cornwall too.” And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

      “So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?” “Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.”

      “Over your shoulders?” replies the researcher. “Don’t you put them over a wall like everyone else?”

      “What?” says the farmer. “And miss out on all the kissing?!”

      • #2772094

        So, you got a sheep fetish now? :0

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to odds and ends

        I take it, you are from Abergaveny??

      • #2772078

        I wonder if you know where “Abergaveny” is…

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to odds and ends

        As it happens, it’s Abergavenny. 🙂

        ———

        An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky sh:tkicker, ‘What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?’ ‘Ya mean women?’ asked the sh:tkicker. ‘We ain’t got none. ‘Round here folks fuck sheep’. ‘That’s disgusting,’ cried the correspondent, ‘I’ve never heard of such moral degradation’.

        However, after a few months, the correspondent’s rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterwards, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his woolly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. ‘You god-damn bunch of hypocrites!’ the reporter yelled. ‘You’ve been fvcking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I’m some sort of crazy pervert!’ One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, ‘Yeah, but that’s the sheriff’s gal!’

        ——–

        The Amish are practising safe sex here. They paint the legs of the sheep that kick.

        ——–

        A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.

        The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually, ‘So how do you guys get by with no women around here?’ Said one of the men,’Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?’ The youngster shuddered: ‘Yak! How horrible! How can you…?’ The three men only smiled and said nothing.

        Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men hadsaid, and looking at the sheep, thought, ‘Hmm, why not after all…’. He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.

        ‘What? What?!!’, shouted the young man, blushing. ‘You told me that’s what you did yourselves, didn’t you??!’

        ‘Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!’

        ——–

        A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Farmer’s Weekly. He looks up from the page and says to her, ‘Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?’

        She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, ‘Oh yeah? Prove it.’

        He frowns for a moment, then says, ‘Okay.’ He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

        About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, ‘Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can I tell?’

        Neil 🙂

      • #2772064

        Some more

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to odds and ends

        Driving Test

        An Aussie was taking his driving test and the instructor says ‘Can you make a U-Turn’.

        The Aussie replies, ‘make her turn, I could make her eyes water’

        ——-

        Local customs

        A guy from San Francisco was visiting an upland region and a local shepherd were tending sheep in the mountains when they came across an ewe with her head caught in a fence.

        The shepherd dropped his trousers, got down on his knees and had his way with the ewe.

        Satisfied, the shepherd buttoned up and turned to the city boy.

        ‘Fancy a go?’ asked the shepherd

        ‘Don’t mind if I do…’ said the SF tourist, so he drops his trousers, gets on his knees, and sticks his head in the fence…..

        ——–

        Neil 🙂

      • #2772027

        One more for you sheep lovers…

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to odds and ends

      • #2774032

        or.

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to odds and ends

        [i]Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
        A: Megasorass.[/i]

        Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
        a. Lickalotopus

      • #2773970

        What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to odds and ends

        Lickalotopuss.

        What do you get when you put two lesbians in a closet?
        A licker cabinet.

        How do you fit four gay men on a barstool?
        Flip it upside down.

        Okay I’m gone now before I get in trouble.

        I’ll be here all week though, don’t forget to tip your waitress, goodnight!

        • #2773959

          And of course

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

          there is the lesbian contractors.

          No studs, it is all tongue and grove…..

        • #2773950

          Ok I must

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to And of course

          If its cheap cheesy one liner day, we have bashed sexuality why not race too?
          >>>>>>>>>>>>

          What do you call an East Indian in a car accident? Bangladash

          What do you call an east indian with a hammer? Hammerjit

          What do you call an East Indian with a saw?
          Carpinder.

          What do you call an East Indian with a drink?
          Bartinder.

          What do you call an East indian with a wooden leg?
          Sh1t on a stick. (that’ll get the post pulled)

          What do you call an East Indian with TWO wooden legs?
          a waste of wood.

          An East Indian gets ajob s a security guard at a construction site. They hand him a brand new jacket, he puts his lunch in the pocket and asks to use the porta-potty before his shift starts.

          An hour later the foreman bangs on the crapper door and asks what he’s been doing in there so long?
          Opening the door the Indian has a big stick and he’s poking it down the hole.
          The Indian replies, sir I dropped my jacket down the hole!

          Foreman says, don’t worry about it we can get you a new one.

          Indian says, thanks but my lunch was in teh pocket.

      • #2773911

        When sheep farmers have too much time on their hands

        by nicknielsen ·

        In reply to odds and ends

        You get stuff like this…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw

        edit: link

    • #2772095

      Terrible Scam

      by notsochiguy ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      WARNING! Be careful around Home Depot.
      A ‘heads up’ for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers like me. Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

      Here’s how the scam works: Two extremely hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and
      instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

      I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also February 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very careful.

      P.S. The Wal-Mart next to Home Depot has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.

      • #2772092

        Scamming the scammers

        by geek3001 ·

        In reply to Terrible Scam

        Don’t forget to install the five mini-cam system to monitor the back seat. It is YOUR vehicle and a location that doesn’t have any expectation of privacy, so you should be able to film what happens.

        With the right editing, you might even be able to make a profit on things, even after all the WalMart purchases.

        • #2772091

          Yeah, but that runs the risk…

          by notsochiguy ·

          In reply to Scamming the scammers

          …of the misses finding out.

          “Didn’t you just buy caulk last week”????

          “What can I say, honey, we have a big bathroom”.

          ]:)

        • #2772089

          ah dang it..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Yeah, but that runs the risk…

          thats where ya go to get caulk???
          been going to the wrong store all this time..

          < walks away muttering to herself >
          0:-)

        • #2772082

          If I were a lesser man…

          by notsochiguy ·

          In reply to ah dang it..

          …I’d say that all a woman typically needs to do to get caulk is say ‘Yes’; any store, any time.

          But that’s not how I roll! 😉

        • #2772060

          well..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to If I were a lesser man…

          I can’t think of a witty comeback..

          so…. little help anyone??

        • #2773914

          If that was all she wanted…

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to If I were a lesser man…

          she wouldn’t need a store.

      • #2772090

        ha

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Terrible Scam

        thats a good one..
        <*> for you

        • #2772086

          I must admit…

          by notsochiguy ·

          In reply to ha

          …it was forwarded to me by a friend earlier this week. I’ve been waiting for Friday to roll around to share. 🙂

      • #2772083

        Not Anymore

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to Terrible Scam

        Wal-Mart marked down the prices of wallets near Home Depot stores to $1.98 due to an influx of sales

      • #2772038

        ROTFLMAO

        by bfilmfan ·

        In reply to Terrible Scam

        That one made me spurt Earl Grey on my monitor.

        Bravo sir!

    • #2772087

      FRUIT PICKING

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      These three men went out on this fishing trip, but as they we sailing along in their little boat, a storm picked up and swept them onto a rather small island.

      Now the men weren’t scared at first, but when they saw these cannibals chasing after them, they began to run for their lives. The cannibals were much faster than they were, and so they captured the three men, and brought them to their King.

      The King said, “I want each of you to pick 10 fruits. Each man must collect a different fruit as to that of the other two. Once you have done this, return to me, and I will tell you what to do.”

      So the men, fearing their lives, run out and began to search madly for any fruit. The first man returns after a while with 10 apples. The King grinned wickedly and said, “Now you must take those 10 apples and shove them up your butt without making any facial expression. If you fail to do so, I will kill you!”

      The poor man gets up to number 8 and then screams, as the pain was so intense. The King killed him right then and there, and returned to see the second man coming back with 10 strawberries. The second man got his instructions, too, and was up to the 10th strawberry, when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, he begins laughing hysterically. So the King killed him, too, just as he did with the first man.

      Now the first man and the second man meet up in Heaven, and the first man asks the second man, “Why did you laugh? You were on your last strawberry, and you could have gotten away!”

      The second man said with a little smile, “Yeah, I know, but I couldn’t resist laughing when I saw the third man coming back with pineapples!”

      • #2772080

        LOL

        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to FRUIT PICKING

        I like it! 😀

        • #2772057

          Jelli likes pineapples? :0

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to LOL

          at least it wasn’t watermelon! :p

    • #2772065

      Warning! Immature toilet humour. You’ve been warned.

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      I’m a total child..this makes me laugh so hard i cry every time i read it..

      TYPES OF FARTS

      Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart
      The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.

      Eggy Fart
      Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.

      Windy Fart
      The sort of fart which goes ‘Whoosh’, and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

      Growling Fart
      Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

      Worrying Fart
      The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.

      Prelude To A Poopie
      You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

      Compost Fart
      You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

      Beefy One
      Sounds loud, and butch eg. ‘BRAAAAMMPPP!’ Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog-turd.

      Present (a.k.a ‘Time I Wasn’t Here’ Fart)
      The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren’t in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you’re screwed.

      Squeaky Fart
      Sounds like ‘Wheeek’. Normally smells foul.

      Bunbuster Fart
      ‘BRAAA!’ Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your hole smarting. You really feel these babies.

      Trouser Ripping Special
      Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

      Escape Pod Fart
      You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

      Brewer Fart
      You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.

      Sphinctal Napalm
      Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry

    • #2772061

      Old one, but I still like it…

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

      “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

      One student, however, wrote the following:

      First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

      With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

      This gives two possibilities:

      If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
      Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
      So which is it?

      If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

      This student got the only A.

    • #2772050

      Test

      by ksoniat ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

      You have to try this, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon…………

      This will boggle your mind
      and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t.

      It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

      1. Without anyone watching
      you (they will think you are GOOFY……) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

      2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change
      direction.

      I told you so!!! And there’s
      nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

      Send it to your friends to frustrate them too!

      • #2772040

        I passed

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to Test

        my foot didn’t change direction.

        but then, I learnt to isolate different movements for Ballroom dancing. :p

        • #2772039

          Drummers pass to

          by the ‘g-man.’ ·

          In reply to I passed

          don’t ya know.

        • #2772035

          yup

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Drummers pass to

          anyone who has to do different movements at the same time can do it.

        • #2772022

          Me too

          by gsg ·

          In reply to yup

          I played piano for years, and also drove a stick shift for a long time. I guess my limbs are trained to work independent of each other.

        • #2774046

          THAT was the problem

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Me too

          the word “WORK” was involved! :p

        • #2773923

          What size of engine was under the piano lid then ? :^0

          by older mycroft ·

          In reply to Me too

          😉

        • #2773903

          Every 88 came with at least a 3.5L

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to What size of engine was under the piano lid then ? :^0

          Older models had engine sizes of 5.0L and up. 😉

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oldsmobile_88

        • #2993779

          Except for one

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to What size of engine was under the piano lid then ? :^0

          The ’88 88 had an optional V6 3.8L

          Though they did try to pass off the 5.3L as a Ford 5.0L in order to appease gas meisers, as if that was relevant. What’s a few cubic inches when you are blowing it from a shortblock V8 anyway? 😀

          No wonder the other nations sailed past us in auto manufacturing!

          I can’t talk, don’t get me wrong, a couple of years back I finally sold my ’74 Cuda with a 426 hemi and before that was my 70 Charger R?T with the 440 magnum.

          Still have a 440 magnum in my class A but I’m gonna get rid of that beast anyway, too big to take up the hills with bikes in tow.

          On teh flipside, I was only just showing a guy how Ford makes such goodo economy engines for their European models and all we get is shite, because people won’t buy anythign else. I think we all need a lesson in automotive engineering, people out here think that a car with a 1.8L is not worth $20K when properly engineered and implememted. I think the late 80’s econoboxes destroyed any belief in small, efficient engines with good output HP.

          If we had consumers ready to spend the money to buy a really efficient car, high horsepower low consumption, we’d have a way better choice here too.

          just check out FORD UK, they have 10 models of compact cars, all with high output 4-cylinder engines for under $20K.

          We just get the crap that was left on the floor at other factories due to failure. They just wrap a poorly fitted interior around it and sell it as a 5-year P.O.S.

          Just like everything we get here; substandard quality but cheapo, cheapo! Almost like China but not quite that bad just yet, give it a few years of cheap consumers and we’ll be in line with Chinese knock off garbage as our products to be proud of.

          Frickin’ sad!

        • #2772621

          Americans are stupid about that

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to What size of engine was under the piano lid then ? :^0

          Most don’t understand that displacement <> power or that horsepower without torque is useless.

        • #2772519

          That’s due to a sordid past

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to What size of engine was under the piano lid then ? :^0

          As always, the media spins all kinds of garbage and people are used to simply buying into what the media spins, yay north America.

          In 1975, the Japanese manufacturer’s scared the crap out of North american manufacturer’s with the Honda Civic.

          America’s response was pathetic at best, Pinto, Chevette, Omni, Horizon et all. Complete garbage utility boxes. Lee Iacoca saved Chrysler by building all models with identical parts. A $9,000.00 compact omni had teh same suspension, motor, drive train as a $17,000.00 K-Car or a $45,000.00 LeBaron. Same cars, different body’s.

          People found that no matter what they spent, they got a POS good for 5 years. the Civic and Tercel were easily 10 year cars.

          Then there was the Pinto (where media comes into it). The pinto was a decent build actually with good motor options, thogh with large displacement still. A small, 4-cylinder was a 2300cc! Pinto had an issue with a FEW cars being in rear end accidents and the tanks caught fire or exploded if low on gas.

          This trashed the reputation for that car too, even though it was quickly rectified by moving the tank, all future pinto’s were avoided. So the media spun the wind out of compacts as death traps. Nobody bought them unless strictly for budgetary reasons.

          By the late 80’s compact car repitation in North America was that they were garbage, but the media kept people away from buying Japanese too, they were still ‘the enemy’ to North america’s car manufacturing, which employed so many North Americans. Unions were strong and they pushed the “buy American” mantra through the media too.

          So now, all you can get in a compact car from North Americans, is a disposable POS.
          They were forced to meet consumer demand for CHEAP garbage for the young, starter family or housewife needing a part time runabout car.

          In the meantime European engineers were forced in the opposite direction, building highly efficient and long lasting models, but the consumer was prepared to pay more for these ‘super compacts’ that had engines capable of getting thier HP to the road. but out here they were just far too expensive, and local builders were meeting a cheap consumer’s demand.

          That has been perpetuated, ‘compacts are cheap, gutless and don’t last’.

          Anyone in Europe will prove that to be garbage in no time.

          Just look at the product options in th eUK compared to out here. Out here, Ford makes a few compact models, very limited, poorly fitted interiors etc. They look like stripped out econoboxes. Ford in the UK, makes a line of 10 different compact models, all with several engine options (teh largest beign near to America’s smallest) and with a lot more horsepower and fuel efficiency that most North American cars of greater cost.

          We just have cheap consumers that are scared to follow the European or Japanese lead in fear that we become obsolete and can no longer feel like the leaders even though it has been decades since we actually were.

          Just like The Buggles sang on North America’s very first MTV music video ever played, “Video killed the radio star”, but in this case, “Media killed the compact car” 😀

        • #2772483

          An example

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to What size of engine was under the piano lid then ? :^0

          Just wandered through the Ford UK site and decided to build what they consider a cheapo econo box and add every available option to it. The FORD KA, base is at 10,145 pounds (just under $15,000.00 US) with EVERY available option you can dream of, options that are normally only available in our upper end sedans, the cost was still only $20,000.00 US!!!

          That’s for a gas burner, 16″ rims, Bluetooth/voice activated A/V system, Heated power mirrors, full curtian airbags, L-Arm independent front suspension, Metallic or opalescent paint including bumpers and trim (in 15 colour options), Tire mobility kit (pump, through plugs etc.), heated windshield, engine immobilizer and a LOT more.

          1.2L petrol burner that gets 63.3 MILES per gallon! VERY low carbon emissions at 120mg/km.

          I mean, this is an efficient, well built, well engineered vehicle that will last an easy 10-14 years EASY, for about $20K US all in.

          But in our marketplace, a stripped down model with NO features would be about $17K and nothing else would sell. Nobody would bother loading it up and spending $20K because they feel an entry lever sedan with a V6 would be better, because the old econoboxes were known to die in 5 years and a sedan would run 7-10. That was mainly due to cheap, US engine design and crappy engineering, rushed manufacturing plants resulting in poor fit and finish, the only pride the north american assembly line workers have is building cars on time and fast. Thier workmanship is not a big deal to them, just speed and efficiency to “beat those damn Japs”.

          But Ford will make 10X the car for the European market and it sells for less than our bulky, inefficient and poorly built sedans do.

      • #2774009

        Won’t work for me

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Test

        I’ve taken drafting and draw a six with two strokes, a clockwise circle and add a tail from eth circle to the tip of the hook, instead of a single stroke from top of tail to the loop at the bottom, which is where it screws you up.

        I’ve done this one before though, its an old neurological test for ambidexterity. It is funny to share at the office though, walk away and everyone will be left trying it for ages.

    • #2772037

      A blind man walks into a restaurant…

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

      “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”

      A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

      “Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

      Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

      The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

      Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

      “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

      “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

      The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

      After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”

      Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

      The blind man eats and leaves.

      He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

      He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”

      Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

      “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

      The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”

      • #2774025

        Next time you go through McDonald’s drivethru

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to A blind man walks into a restaurant…

        Ask them why there’s a sign at the pay window saying “Braille menus available upon request.”

        • #2774019

          See I don’t find that funny…..

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to Next time you go through McDonald’s drivethru

          …not because I am politically correct or offended.

          But because I’ve heard the same thing about drivethrough ATMs, and I know that it is quite possible for someone to sit in the back sit, and use the ATM’s braille to navigate.

          So menues wouldn’t be any different.

          So the joke just falls flat with me.

          James

        • #2774018

          except

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to See I don’t find that funny…..

          how would they know the menus were available?

          I’ve also seen signs pointing the way to an entrance or exit, with braille translation underneath, and wondered how a blind person was supposed to know where the sign was.

        • #2774011

          Cause the people driving the car would tell them?

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to except

          People escorting blind people understand that the blind person would prefer to do the work themselves and welcome the chance to be even a little less dependant.

          In the case of an ATM they might prefer not to share the PIN with whoever they are with.

          Of course, someone might have to point out that braille is abvailable, but I would bet that they would try and remember the location after that.

          James

        • #2774006

          Think about it Tony

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to except

          Obviously the blind guy isn’t driving and a driver would be abe to read the sign and offer the option of a menu to the passenger.

          As for signs, blind people often place a hand on a wall, when it is an ufamiliar building and use the wall to guide them, it also stops them bumping into people, a sign placed at a common height would be effective.

          I’ve done the test for a charity find raiser, we al spend an entire day BLINDED. We had to go on a scavenger hunt type of trek through vancouver, take a bus, the seabus and handle change, menu orders etc.

          It is amazing how many cues blind people pick up from the surroundings that we don’t even notice.

        • #2773998

          atms

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Think about it Tony

          the key pad is Braille, but the screen isn’t.

          Is there an option that will read the screen to them, or does a companion have to read that?

          I still remember working at the local college and having to set up a pc on a cart special for a blind student. He was an amazing programmer. What kind of a mind it would take to keep that straight in your head…. always blew me away.

        • #2773995

          The companion probably would the first time.

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to atms

          Then after that they would memorize the steps for something common like – take out $100.

          A friend of mine articuled (lawyer apprenticeship) with a lawyer who was blind. He had a voice dictation system running on his laptop -worked pretty well.

          James

        • #2773901

          Most newer ATMS have audio capability

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to atms

          Take a look the next time you use one. The audio jack is at the lower left just below the keypad.

        • #2993926

          Diebold is working on it

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to atms

          They actually have new interfaces $5-$7K ea that they can add to existing machines to offer voice prompts.
          Other than that, a series of beeps after each keypress can be used to identify input was received and cue you to what is next.

          Of course you would have to memorize the transaction screen and know what the next cue is, but blind people do that with everyday tasks all the time.

          For instance, with Royal Bank machines, enter your card and hear a beep, you know to enter your pin, BEEP again and you know it is asking which account, Beep again and it is requesting an amount, etc. Other banks have different sequences, incluing transaction charge approval but these are all very menial things for most blind people to pick up, much easier than it would be for the sighted.

          Now it sounds complex, but as you noted yourself, you knew a top programmer who could remember code as he inputted it, indeed a PHENOMENAL task for anyone. I would love to see that myself, what an amazing skill.

          But as you can see (bad pun, sorry), for a blind person to recognize and respond to a series of beeps and input the correct keys would be easy too, you just have to learn to live without sight and you develop your other senses.

          There are always those who are legally blind too, on screen displays woul doffer good contrast and yellow letterign to be read easily, wheras chrome buttons with daded or simply imprinted letters would be much harder.

          Then again, if Diebold DIDN’T offer braille keypads, they’d be facing descrimination suits from blind people feeling left out.

        • #2773921

          I doubt if you are much talked about by blind people …

          by older mycroft ·

          In reply to See I don’t find that funny…..

          Unless it’s to remark on how pedantic you can be about them.

          Unless you happen to be unsighted yourself, your COMMENTS fall flat with me. 🙂

    • #2774047

      Actual supervisor quotes …

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

      1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
      2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
      3. “This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
      4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
      5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.”
      6. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
      7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
      8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
      9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
      10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
      11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
      12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
      13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
      14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
      15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
      16. “He would argue with a signpost.”
      17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
      18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
      19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
      20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
      21. “A prime candidate for natural DE-selection.”
      22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
      23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
      24. “He’s got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it”
      25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
      26. “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
      27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
      28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
      29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
      30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
      31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

    • #2774030

      Sorry, no more TAX monies left

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      Dear IRS,
      I’m sorry to inform you that I’m not going to be able to pay the taxes
      owed on April 15th, but all is not lost. I paid these taxes, accounts receivable
      tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax,
      federal income tax, unemployment tax, gas tax, hunting license tax, fishing
      license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax,
      luxury tax, Medicare tax, city tax, school and county property tax up to 33% the
      last four years. Real estate tax, Social Security tax, road use tax, toll road
      tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, sales franchise tax,
      state unemployment tax, federal excise tax, telephone tax, telephone federal
      state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone
      state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle tax, registration tax, capital gains
      tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax,
      Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma, Mexico sales tax and many more I can’t
      recall and I’ve run out of space and money.
      When you do not receive my check April 15th, just know that it was an honest
      mistake. Please treat me the same as the way you’ve treated Congressman
      Charlie Rangel, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank, ex-congressman Tom Daschle and, of
      course, your boss, Timothy Geithner. No penalties, no interest.
      p.s. I’ll make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus
      check.
      (author unknown)

    • #2774024

      A thirsty man walks into a bar…

      by oz_media ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      …with an octopus under his arm.

      The bartender says “Sorry bub, we don’t serve those types here.”

      The man pleads with the bartender as it is hot and he is thirsty. “If my octopus can play chopsticks on that piano, can we have a drink?”

      The bartender see an easy way out of this and agrees that if the octopus can play, he can have a drink. The octopus squidges onto the piano stool and begine to play a perfect redndition of chopsticks using several octaves. Very impressed, teh bartender lives sup to his promise and pour the man and his cephalopod drinks.

      Very thirsty and thankful, they both down thier drinks in no time and ask for another. Again the bartender refuses “Hey, I was impressed with the piano but its time ot go fella’s.”

      “Okay well how about another shot, my octopus can play that fiddle that’s beside the piano too!”

      Feeling he just had to see this, if it was at all possible, the bartender agrees, “One more tune, for one more drink, then you HAVE to go!”

      The octopus slithers over to the fiddle, picks it up and after a few initial squeaks and sqwaks, sets into a perfect version of The Devil Went Down to Georgia.

      Absolutely STUNNED, while the rest of the bar patrons applaud, the bartender says “Okay well that was so good I’ll even pay for this round, but then you gotta go, okay guys?”

      “Fair enough says the man, as he greedily slurps down another pint, but I bet he can play anything you’ve got, he’s a real musical genius.”

      The bartender gets an idea and decides to put an dend to all this nonsense. So he diappears in back for a few minutes and returns, dusting off an old set of bagpipes.

      The octopus perks up right away, stares at the pipes with his one eye, grabs then with a tentacle and vanishes into the bathroom with them.

      “Ha, I knew he wouldn’t know what to do with bagpipes, you don’t see them around these parts too often”.

      The man finishes his beer, and asks for another.

      The bartender says “No way, deal’s off man, he couldn’t play them, you’re both outta here.”

      The man says “Don’t worry, mate, as soon as he realizes he can’t f**k them, he’ll be back here playing Auld Lang Syne in no time.”

    • #2773822

      In honor of the original poster

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      no, I did NOT change the names! 😀

      ===============================

      Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.

      On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

      So, when Bubba’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

      Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

      ‘Grandma,’ he asked, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?’

      Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, ‘Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass!’.

      • #2992539

        In a similar vein (or was it ‘vain’?)

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to In honor of the original poster

        (quoting from the source)

        In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

        On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

        He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant?s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day

        Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

        Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

        Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

        This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming b…s… stories.

    • #2773742

      $100

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      .

      A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

      When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

      The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

      Dear God,

      Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and those arseholes took $95.00 in taxes.

    • #2992645

      Ok, I just saw a commercial

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      for Microsoft Windows.

      And it states “For Life Without Walls”

      I couldnt help but think, without walls — who needs Windows???

    • #2992385

      Word of the Day

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      Menoporsche: Male menopause. Symptoms include a sudden lack of energy, crankiness and the overpowering urge to buy a Porsche.

      Courtesy Buzzwhack.
      BuzzWhack.com

      • #2992378

        Isnt That

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to Word of the Day

        a HAL Unit??? Wait a minute, what would a computer be called in this situation?? a HALoporche?

        • #2992372

          HALo 3? HAL o’ the wisp?

          by seanferd ·

          In reply to Isnt That

          HALogen.

        • #2992371

          HALogen

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to HALo 3? HAL o’ the wisp?

          a HAL unit in search of a new engine to screw — I mean screw up!

        • #2992370

          Yeah, didn’t he get some new milling equip. for Xmas?

          by seanferd ·

          In reply to HALogen

          High-powered screwing around under the house.

          I wonder if he ever figured out where the hospital beds came from?

    • #2772538

      A dental appointment

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’ The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

      ‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’

    • #2772530

      Married for 50 years.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      A couple had been married for 50 years.

      They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’ ‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..’ ‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’ Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. ‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

      ‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

    • #2772494

      Test of True Love

      by ksoniat ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – Where is everybody?

      Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car….

      Open it after one hour – and who is glad to see you?

Viewing 16 reply threads