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  • #2228616

    Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

    Locked

    by steffi28 ·

    It’s almost 4.30am here in the UK, I’ve just come home from the pub after a chinese and lots and lots of nasty cheap booze, and It’s the first time I’ve been out since the smoking ban and I hate it, its too cold to smoke outdoors!

    Anyway I got home and thought the only way I’ll be able to beat anyone to the Yuk is to do it now, sorry im rambling a bit anyway heres some jokes….

    First a lovely song, sang to the tune of golden brown

    Gordon Brown, tax me, go on!
    Take my money – almost all gone!
    With New Labour in,
    We’ll just never win.
    Ever a frown, with Gordon Brown.

    Every new budget hurts like the last.
    Mortgage relief ends very fast.
    Fate? That’s one in The Eye,
    Flush? I’m sunk…high and dry.
    Interest rates never down, with Gordon Brown.

    Gordon Brown found a temptress,
    Wed at last, she in a naff dress.
    Shhhhhh! The damned tight-fisted git,
    Even spent nowt on it.
    Why, he’ll never go down, with Sarah Brown.

    ………………………………………..

    An executive at a prominent software development company learns that the quality of software solutions provided by the company is in question. The executive takes immediate action and calls a meeting of the managers.

    executive – “Quality is the differentiator for our company. Poor quality is simply not acceptable. So…right now…each of you imagine that you are sitting on an airplace at the terminal awaiting take-off…and you learn that the software controlling the avionics of the plane were written by your team. By show of hands, which of you would exit the airplane?”

    Slowly but surely hands start lifting until all but one of the managers has their hands in the air. Intrigued, the executive queries the lone manager about that team’s techniques that make the software so reliable. “What is it your team is doing to produce quality software so much that you will stay on the plane?”

    manager – “Improve quality?!?! Heck…if my team wrote it, the plane wouldn’t even taxi down the runway!”

    …………………………………………..

    I liked this pic, so true!!

    http://xkcd.com/290/

    ………………………………………..

    And apparently Microsoft has a sense of humour
    http://blogs.msdn.com/stevecla01/archive/2007/06/29/microsoft-has-a-sense-of-humour.aspx

    Edited cos the link had swearing in it and to warn that the xkcd site is probable nsfw as its heading contains a naughty word

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #2470504

      Smoking ban? That sucks.

      by deepsand ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      Is this local or national?

      Are there exceptions?

    • #2470486

      Thought Id actually post in one of these

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      e-mail one
      Attention: Human Resources

      Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
      hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
      wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
      thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
      finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
      measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
      coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
      vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
      knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
      classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
      dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
      promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
      executed as soon as possible.
      Regards,
      Project Leader

      e-mail two
      Attention: Human Resources

      Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
      Regards,
      Project Leader

    • #2470481

      TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.

      Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

      During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

      Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

      Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

      Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

      Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

      When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)

      Complain loudly that your neighbour won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

      Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

    • #2476430

      Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Buddha:
      Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

      Colonel Sanders:
      Damn, I missed one!

      Anderson Consulting:
      Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Anderson Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Anderson helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Anderson Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

      • #2476422

        Great! :p

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road

        you’ve obviously worked with them, too! 😀

        GG
        ]:)

      • #2476368

        what do you call a chicken crossing the road?

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road

        “poultry in motion”

        😀

        • #2476360

          that’s not a “yuk” that’s a

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to what do you call a chicken crossing the road?

          yyyeeeeuuuuccccchhhhh!

          I should have known better than to open that post, really…….!

          GG

        • #2476357

          well it’s been a while..

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to that’s not a “yuk” that’s a

          so I’m a little rusty 😉

        • #2476273

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to well it’s been a while..

          .

        • #2476232

          huh?

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to

          Did i miss something?

        • #2476219

          Yup — a mis-placed post.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to huh?

          Sorry for the interruption.

        • #2476217

          Just Ignore

          by genera-nation ·

          In reply to huh?

          I am.

        • #2476211

          Hoist on your own petard, GN.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to huh?

          Ignoring me?

          Liar.

        • #2625762

          for god’s sake you two, cut it out

          by dryflies ·

          In reply to huh?

          the tag is friday yuk, not bitch and moan

        • #2625653

          I dunno, dryflies, I think it’s as amusing as any 3 Stooges skit

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to huh?

          Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.

        • #2625579

          Re: Just Ignore – I am

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to huh?

          I can see that and you’re not doing a very gfood job of it. You post a comment to say you are ingnoring posting to someone’s comments?

          What a maroon! Get a life and at least try sounding intelligent for a change. Your absence of logic in your posts coupled with your hypocrisy simply lowers your apparent level of intelligence.

        • #2625576

          Dryflies

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to huh?

          What, now YOU are suggesting who is right and wrong? YOU feel that these threads do not follow YOUR ideals? Who the hell are YOU to start throwing your weight around, the new TR moderator?

          Just looking for a more intelligent person to rant with. 😉

        • #2625575

          But maybe his intelligence

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to huh?

          really is that low. In which case he is just showing off how retarded (hindered) his brain function really is!

        • #2625689

          I like it.

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to well it’s been a while..

          If gg eats roadkill —

          “yyyeeeeuuuuccccchhhhh!”

          — she has only herself to blame!

      • #2476340

        My fav “crossing the road” joke

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road

        Why did the condom cross the road?
        Because it was p!ssed off

      • #2467776

        Did it make it all the way across?

        by john3347 ·

        In reply to Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road

        Actually, the chicken either crossed the road to get on the other side, or because the road was across its path. Only the chicken would know that for sure

    • #2476425

      Office Dares

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
      1 – Run one lap around the office at top speed.
      2 – Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other ‘non-player’ must be in the toilet at the time -.
      3 – Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
      4 – Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,”Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
      5 – To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head
      6 – When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,”Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”.
      7 – Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,”Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
      8 – Walk sideways to the photocopier.
      9 – While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

      THREE-POINTS DARES
      1 – Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
      2 – Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,”Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it”.
      3 – Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice -.
      4 – Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight -.
      5 – Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

      FIVE POINT DARES
      1 – At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself -.
      2 – Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
      3 – For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob”.
      4 – Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
      5 – After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent – As in “the report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one
      hour.
      6 – While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
      7 – In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”.
      8 – At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce,”As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
      9 – In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights”.
      10 – Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”.
      11 – Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”.
      12 – Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,say, “I can’t talk about it”.
      13 – Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
      14 – Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,etc – during a very important conference call.
      15 – Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
      16 – Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
      17 – Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
      18 – During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
      19 – Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

      • #2625675

        When the elevator

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Office Dares

        starts down, grasp at the walls like it’s falling and say “Oh sh!t!”.

        • #2625565

          #19: Only 3 points

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to When the elevator

          To receive 5 points, you need to add an equal or greater number of thumb tacks, toothpicks or the like.

    • #2476417

      Holidays!!!!

      by genera-nation ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

      However, he accidently left out one letter in her email address, and, without realising his error, sent the email.

      Meanwhile, somewhere in Huston, a widow had just returned home from her husband?s funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from family and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow?s son rushed into the room, and saw the computer screen. The message read:

      ?I know you?re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I?ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
      P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!?

      QSNDDTAQ

    • #2476415
      Avatar photo

      IMPOSSIBLE you are a FRAUD attempting to steal another Peers Account!

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      The real Steffi would never get home at 4.30 AM from any pub she would continue to drink till the Kegs where empty and all the bottles behind the bar where empty and thrown out. :p

      Even if she was forcibly returned home at 4.30 AM she would never consider it acceptable to jump onto TR at that time because there is no one that she could BITCH to. :0

      You have proven that you are not the real Steffi and I’m going to ask Beth to remove you from here as you are lowering the tone of the place. 😀

      Now let the Real Steffi RIP at the bottom of the ocean where she is currently. It’s Poor Form to continue to try to make out that you are her. I’m betting that instead of a 14 year old girl you are actually a balding fat old man attempting to get your jollies by impersonating the Poor Steffi who couldn’t be told anything. This is what lead directly to her early death. :p

      She was a perfect example of another young girl who couldn’t be told anything for her own good and she paid the price for acting that way. :^0

      It’s no good attempting to cover your A$$ after being caught out earlier today. You have shown your [b]True Self[/b] Fake Steffi and have been caught out. [/maniacal Laughter]

      Col ]:)

      • #2625533

        Col, When Will You Admit, I’m alive and well!

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to IMPOSSIBLE you are a FRAUD attempting to steal another Peers Account!

        I did stay until the bottles were empty I started on the beer but it was not as good as the german stuff so I went home very upset.

        And I told you I come home and went on TR as I wanted to be the first to post the yuk and hubby was in work so I had nothing better to do!!

        The real Steffi is still alive and kicking Col, stop letting the fact that your upset about your plan failing make it sound like I died! I’m still here and theres nothing you can do about it! :p

        • #2625504

          Ok, do you really think that

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Col, When Will You Admit, I’m alive and well!

          we believe you?

          The only time(s) you seem to post recently are at such odd hours for your time zone. This suggests that either you are a troll whom walks around all night, a vampire or that you are truly in a different time zone than specified.

          Next time, before hijacking someones account, make it harder for us to figure you out. At least log on at the appropriate time for where you are supposed to be. :^0 :^0

          Also, typing while drunk… Hmmm, I dont know too many people that could stare at the monitor and read, let alone type almost flawlessly. Therefore you truly were not drunk, just posing AGAIN!!! :0

          Poser, Poser, Poser

          Now, what are we going to do about this??? If you truly want us to think that you are Steffi, I think that you need to prove it.
          But since the webcams are off, and the pole is in Germany, I guess there is no way to prove it. : ^0

        • #2624624

          But But But

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Ok, do you really think that

          It really is me! Nobody pretends to be me better than I do so therefore I am me and look Im posting at 2.30pm now thats a normal time right??

        • #2624934

          If you have to ask,

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to But But But

          then nope!

          Besides the REAL Steffi showed up, so you better stop the charade now… :^0

        • #2625503
          Avatar photo

          Really pity that the other members of the Impure Brigade don’t think so. :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col, When Will You Admit, I’m alive and well!

          I E-Mailed them all Steffi’s Body well the original E-Mail went to GG but it was CC’d to the rest. :^0

          So there are now multiple clones of Steffi’s body floating around the Internet. Remember that since [b]Steffi’s Death[/b] is appearing on the Internet and has had numerous posts to confirm [b]Steffi’s Demise[/b] it must be correct. You are just trying to stop all the sadness of those who knew and liked Steffi and take her place. [i]Or more likely you are trying to stop the party that is continuing about her recent death. No you are not going to be invited either.[/i] You have failed miserably :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2624613

          Col Seriously

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Really pity that the other members of the Impure Brigade don’t think so. :D

          I’m not dead and I’m not an imposter I’m just me, c’mon how can I prove it??

        • #2623415
          Avatar photo

          You can’t. :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col Seriously

          That’s the beauty of it. :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0

          Well actually if you really want to prove that you are [b]The Real[/b] Steffi I suppose you could [Maniacal Laughter]

          :p

          [i]Edited to add[/i] An edict from her Majestic Majesty that must be followed

          http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=241568&messageID=2344118

        • #2625490

          I know you’re you Steffi

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to Col, When Will You Admit, I’m alive and well!

          I don’t even know what started this ‘fake Steffi’ crap, but I’m sure it’s a load of horse crap. Just consider the source!

          Yea, sure, Col, you and your imaginary airlock really scare us!

        • #2624611

          Well, basically

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I know you’re you Steffi

          Col said he stole the UK and got a team of miners to move it and that in attempting to return to the UK from Germany I died, but its all lies!!

        • #2624516

          It was posted on the Internet

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Well, basically

          so therefore it must be true???

        • #2624514

          I vaguely recall some of that story.

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to Well, basically

          You were going to university, and as I recall, he made up an exceedingly complicated story about moving the entire island so you would find nowere to land in Britain, and he invented a lot of other boring details that I don’t remember, except that they where misspleeld.

        • #2623409
          Avatar photo

          FAKE FAKE every one look see the FAKE! B-) B-) B-)

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well, basically

          The real Steffi would know the story but as you don’t you are obviously a [b]FAKE![/b] :^0

          If you insist on attempting to steal a [b]Valued Peers Account[/b] you should have the courtesy not to treat us all like [b]Idiots![/b] You need to do your homework and look up what the [b]Real Steffi[/b] was doing and not parody badly the banter between peers. :p

          Perhaps one of the [b]Impure Brigade[/b] will E-Mail you Steffi’s Body but you’ll need to ask very nicely. :^0 😀 :^0 😀 :^0 😀

          Col

          [i]Edited to add[/i] An edict from her Majestic Majesty that must be followed

          http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=241568&messageID=2344118

        • #2625487

          Actually, RealSteffi, HAL has proven that he can do one thing about it.

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to Col, When Will You Admit, I’m alive and well!

          “I’m still here and theres nothing you can do about it! :p ”

          He can keep crying like a WATB!

          :^0

        • #2625477

          I may have started it

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Actually, RealSteffi, HAL has proven that he can do one thing about it.

          but only cause Col sent me photos…..

          Now I see right through it all!

          :^0

        • #2624432
          Avatar photo

          How Dare you say such things W2K. :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I may have started it

          I E-Mailed you the body so you could perform unspeakable acts upon it not just photos. :^0

          As for [b]Abs’s[/b] I’m leaving him alone for the time being as [b]He Hasn’t been Feeling Himself At All Recently.[/b] 😀

          In the mean time I’ll allow him to think that Steffi is still alive and that he is communicating with her. With a bit of luck [b]Fake Steffi[/b] will give him the [b]Come On[/b] and then I’ll be laughing even harder when he shells out the funds for a Airline Ticket to the UK and finds out that he’s been propositioned by a 85 year old Bald Fat Pervert impersonating Steffi. 😀 :^0 😀 :^0

          I’ll leave him alone for the time being and just sit back laughing as he digs himself in deeper. :^0

          [Maniacal Laughter]

        • #2624296

          LOL

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to How Dare you say such things W2K. :D

          I must sit back and watch too. I did not realize that the impersonator was an 85 yr. old Bald Fat Pervert… I started busting up at the thought of Abs and — Fake Steffi…

          :^0

        • #2624765

          Do you wonder how HAL9000 knows so much about impersonators?

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to LOL

          [i]I did not realize that the impersonator was an 85 yr. old Bald Fat Pervert[/i]

          What, you guessed HAL9000 was 86?

        • #2624739

          Hal knows because

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to LOL

          he hired the impersonater last time. When he had sent Steffi to the desert.

          So It was my assumption that this time was the same.
          Never question the HAL9000, never. Well, Ok, just on minor things….

        • #2624606

          However dear PondScum

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to LOL

          Col is definitely wrong on this matter!

          Ask Shell n GG they’ll tell you

        • #2624515
        • #2624609

          True True

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Actually, RealSteffi, HAL has proven that he can do one thing about it.

          He’s just upset that his plan didnt go as he expected it to and that im still here 😀

        • #2624511

          I see that you have developed

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to True True

          a syndrome of some sort as well, must be the alzheimers kicking in!

          You seem to be typing the same word 2-3 times in the title of your posts. Now if it were on 1 post, that would be fine. But several, there is a problem….. :0

        • #2468299

          How disappointing! I thought that message was going to be about …

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to I see that you have developed

          a recently-completed piece of software!

        • #2468287

          Sorry, I didnt even think about

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to How disappointing! I thought that message was going to be about …

          developed in a title and all of the developers that visit the site…

        • #2468184

          Is that because your mind is too Pure?

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to How disappointing! I thought that message was going to be about …

          Or too Impure? I’m still trying to figure out that bit of off-topic jargon.

        • #2469432

          If you dont listen to Daveo

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to How disappointing! I thought that message was going to be about …

          it all makes sense. But Daveo has a ‘Special’ version of Pure and Impure, that only he understands. In this version, he is Pure and aside from his idol, nobody else comes close. And, he can do Impure things, but it does not make him Impure or less Pure…… :^0 I think its almost hospital time for that one! :^0

    • #2476412

      Oh happy day, its friday

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      Brave Soldiers
      An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
      “Chronic syphilis, Sir”
      “What treatment are you getting?”
      “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
      “What’s your ambition?”
      “To get back to the front, Sir”

      “Good man.” says the Major. He goes to the next bad. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
      “Chronic piles, Sir”
      “What treatment are you getting?”
      “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
      “What’s your ambition?”
      “To get back to the front, Sir.”

      “Good man.” says the Major. He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
      “Chronic gum disease, Sir.”
      “What treatment are you getting?”
      “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
      “What’s your ambition?”
      “To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.”

      ****************

      Wrong Expression
      “Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”

      “What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.

      “It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done” replies Steve.

      “But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”

      “I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind — either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”

      “Well, OK.”, says the doctor, “But it’s against my better judgment!”

      So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

      “Hi there,” says Steve,”It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”

      “Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”

      Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, “Sh!t! THAT’S the word!?

    • #2476411

      Ozzie-rules ? . . .

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      An Australian guy is travelling round the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of the shift, he asks her if she wants to go back to his hotel. Although she is attracted to him, she declines. He then offers her $200 to sleep with him. As she is also travelling round the world and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. He orders his Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him, again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to oblige. This goes on for a total of five nights. On the sixth night the guy comes in again, orders a Fosters, but this time goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, then maybe she can shake some more money out of him. She goes over and sits down beside him. She asks what part of Australia he is from. “Melbourne,” he tells her. “So am I – what suburb?” she enquires. “Glen Iris,” he replies. “That is amazing,” she says excitedly, “so am I – what street?”. “Cameo Street,” he replies. “This is unbelievable,” she says, her voice quivering. “And what number?”. “Number 20,” he replies. She is totally astonished. “You are not going to believe this,” she screams, “but I’m from Number 22! My parents still live there!” “I know,” he says, “your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you!”

      [b]HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN!!!![/b]

    • #2476409

      Slightly more impure

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad,
      how many kinds of boobies are there?
      The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there’s three kinds
      of breasts.
      In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
      In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
      After fifty, they are like onions.”
      “Onions?”
      “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

      This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum,
      how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
      The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man also goes through three phases.
      In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
      In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
      After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
      “A Christmas tree?”
      “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

      *******************

      He said . . .. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
      She said .. . You wear pants don’t you?
      **
      He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
      She said . . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
      **
      He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
      She said . Turn side ways and look in the mirror!
      **
      On a wall in a ladies room . .. “My husband follows me everywhere”
      Written just below it . ” I do not”
      **
      Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
      A.Both of them.
      **
      Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
      A.He buys two cases of beer.
      **
      Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds?
      A.The bonds mature.
      **
      Q..Why are blonde jokes so short?
      A.So men can remember them.
      **
      Q.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
      A.We don’t know; it has never happened.
      **

      Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
      A: A widow.
      **

      Q.Why are married women heavier than single women?
      A.Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

      **
      Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
      A.They’re married.
      **
      Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says: “So you would love her.”
      But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?” God says: “So she would love you.”

    • #2476400

      Come on South Africa!

      by genera-nation ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      get it right up them!

      Ten reasons the Boks must win

      Him win twice? Please, NO! South Africa and defending champions England go head-to-head in the World Cup Final in Paris on Saturday and rugby365.com’s John Dobson tells us why the Springboks must and will triumph!

      1. Lawrence Dallaglio. He cannot, must not, get two World Cup winning medals. It’s amusing watching him strain every sinew for his belting out of the God Save The Queen and at the Annual Awards for Most Emotional Anthem he would certainly be a nominee with Vasco Uva of Portugal and the Argentinian front row. Thing is, Lawrence , it actually is more convincing if you actually made the starting team. No use in going through all that passion to go and take your seat in the stands next to the masseuse and the exercise bike.

      2. These confounded English have lured the pride of Hilton, Michaelhouse, St Stithians and Bishops etc to glorious London and made them do things like queue, grocery shop and use public transport. Errggggh. Can you imagine? Making them do what most South Africans have to do every day. It’s virtually a crime against humanity.

      3. It’s so funny – the England soccer team are not going to even make Euro 2008 – well, if you draw with Israel and don’t put eight goals past Andorra and have a striker who, if he was 6kg heavier should be playing at lock for the Griffons and another striker who likes ageing hookers and looks like the Webb Ellis trophy – then what do you expect? So the Rugby World Cup is all they have, so make sure you take that away. Remember RWC 2003 took the crowing through to the Ashes which in turn took them through until the Aussies sorted that out last year. There is nothing we can do about Lewis Hamilton, but it doesn’t really count if you copy other people’s cars.

      4. They put glass in our grandmother’s sugar in the Boer war. Ask Bok van Blerk. He knows.

      5. Kevin Pietersen. Mike Catt has been playing for England , with aplomb, for 15 years and he still sounds like he’s the barman at Toby Joes on the PE Beachfront – KP, with his England tattoos tries so hard with his pommy accent, it’s laughable. Deprive KP, a victim of such cruelty and deprivation in this cruel, evil, land, of another reason to gloat at SA.

      6. Stuart Barnes, Brian Moore and every other insufferable English commentator. If we lose, having won 36-0 earlier, they and their papers will be crowing and filled with all the clich?’s about the greatest comeback since Lazarus. And we will have to see the bus trip down Oxford Street , the trip to the Queen for the OBE and Sir Rob Andrew. Don’t forget, as they come down here for their holidays this summer with their sandals and pink shirts, to drink elegant Constantia whites and desperate search for Nivea After Sun, that they will be here as rugby world champions. Absolutely impossible.

      7. The French! The Poor old French. Not only did they have to lose the semi-final to the old enemy against whom they have probably fought wars for 150 years, in their great stadium during their own party, imagine if they have to hand them the William Webb Ellis Trophy to take back across the channel on the Eurostar. It is like having Eugene Terreblanche or Jeremy Clarkson walk into your lounge and seduce your daughter in front of you. The French will be supporting us, desperately. Let’s not let them down after laying on such a great World Cup.

      8. Mark Regan. The thought of the most average, obnoxious hooker in world rugby being a world champion is too much to bear. To see him and Lawrence screaming and shouting Eng-er-land at the cameras at the final whistle will be life-altering. Love to see if this tubby little invertebrate would be so brave were he not hanging between Phil Vickery and Andrew Sheridan.

      9. The Pride of the South. Listening to the English podcasts at the start of the World Cup, there was much angst and wailing about how woeful the northern hemisphere was. Now that has all changed. The Tri-Nations, Bledisloe Cup (7th and 8th place play off joke and all that) and the Super 14 lie disgraced as the very ugly also rans of rugby competitions. The North has risen, the Heineken Cup is a great tournament, French and English domestic leagues the best etc etc. As Jeremy Guscott said on one podcast after the quarters and the exit of our SANZAR partners “Goodbye and good riddance.” As much as we like to beat them, and as much as Graham Henry and the up-itself All Black management gives us the needle, Australia and new Zealand will be supporting us over England . The South is where we live and play. Let’s show them it is still the top of the rugby pile.

      10. Those poor young gap year South Africans who go ‘overseas’ in their droves with romantic notions of freedom and life’s experiences, and end up living in Southfields and working as security guards at Sainsbury’s. Don’t let them have to hide their accents on the tube on Monday and let them stand near the frozen chicken counter with some pride as they look for hooded shop lifters. Do it for them.

    • #2476399

      Wabbit joke . . .

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      A little girl goes into her local pet shop and says, “Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?” The shopkeeper’s heart melts …he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft fluffy black wabbit, or a widdle bwown one?” The little girl blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forwards and whispers, “I don’t weally think that my pyfon gives a phuck!”

    • #2476381

      a few…

      by naughtymonkey ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

      The genie says, “You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much.”

      The woman says, “Okay. Give me a nice house.”

      The genie replies, “You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two.”

      The the lady says, “Give me a gorgeous man.”

      The genie replies, “You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two.”

      The lady says, “For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it.”
      ____________________________________________
      Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

      “So,” Peter asks the first guy, “how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

      “None. I had a perfect marriage.”

      “Great,” says Peter. “You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

      “Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.

      “Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

      “12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.

      “Okay,” says Peter. “You get a rusty Ford.”

      Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

      “What’s wrong?”

      “I just saw my wife.”

      “So?”

      “She was riding a skateboard.”
      ____________________________________________
      Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

      Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”

      And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

      After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

      Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?”

      The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

      Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head!”
      __________________________________________________

    • #2476321

      “When Insults had Class”

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      ?He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.?

      ?Winston Churchill

      ?I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.?

      ?Clarence Darrow

      ?He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.?

      ?William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

      “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

      ?Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

      ?I?ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn?t it.?

      ?Groucho Marx

      ?I didn?t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.?

      ?Mark Twain

      ?He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.?

      ?Oscar Wilde

      ?I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.?

      ?George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

      ?Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.?

      ?Winston Churchill?s response to George Bernard Shaw

      ?I feel so miserable without you; it?s almost like having you here.?

      ?Stephen Bishop

      ?He is a self-made man and worships his creator.?

      ?John Bright

      ?I?ve just learned about his illness. Let?s hope it?s nothing trivial.?

      ?Irvin S. Cobb

      ?He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.?

      ?Samuel Johnson

      ?He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.?

      ?Paul Keating

      ?He had delusions of adequacy.?

      ?Walter Kerr

      ?Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it??

      ?Mark Twain

      ?His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.?

      ?Mae West

      ?Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!?

      ?Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

      ?Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!?

      ?Winston Churchill?s response to Lady Astor

      “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

      ?Moses Hadas

      “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”

      ?Jack E. Leonard

      “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”

      ?Robert Redford

      “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

      ?Thomas Brackett Reed

      “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ? for support rather than illumination.”

      ?Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

      “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

      ?Billy Wilder

      ?Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.?

      ?Oscar Wilde

      “You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”

      ?The Earl of Sandwich

      “That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”

      ?John Wilkes’s response to The Earl of Sandwich

      “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

      ?Winston Churchill

      • #2476204

        Excellent.

        by deepsand ·

        In reply to “When Insults had Class”

        Some of these are well known to me; it’s a delight to see others of a like nature.

        Thanks.

        • #2476175

          my alltime favourite is …

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to Excellent.

          the exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor 🙂

        • #2476096

          A favorite related quote

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to my alltime favourite is …

          “A gentleman is one who never [b]unintentionally[/b] insults another.” Oscar Wilde

    • #2476319

      Breaking news

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      • #2476184

        And, on my day off; yippee!

        by deepsand ·

        In reply to Breaking news

        I’ll be on the turnpike shortly.

        • #2625793

          I’ll be out there, pick me up :D

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to And, on my day off; yippee!

          I conquered the munchies back in the 70’s so I’ll be alright.

        • #2625746

          Uh, wrong direction, friend.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to I’ll be out there, pick me up :D

          I’m between you & NYC; you can pick me up.

        • #2625730

          Deal.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Uh, wrong direction, friend.

          .

        • #2625501
          Avatar photo

          Bad Boy OTR

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Deal.

          Didn’t your mother teach you any manners at all? :p

          Now sit down and [b]Smoke Your Greens![/b] After you’ve finished them all we’ll them start to think about allowing you to leave the table with a full ash tray. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2624426

          I’ve got two manners

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Bad Boy OTR

          Unfortunately they’re both bad. :0
          I wonder how many calories are in smoked greens ?:| Not many I’ll bet. I know that I’ve made an ash out of myself from them before. I think I remember something like that.

        • #2624458

          It;s ok, Col; I’ve plenty of greens at my place.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to Deal.

          Come to think of it, there’s no reason then to go to NYC. Hmmm; this requires some thought. Damn, now you’ve gone and confused me.

        • #2624428

          Alright!!

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to It;s ok, Col; I’ve plenty of greens at my place.

          What were we just talking about?

        • #2624197

          What were we talking about? I think it was …

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to It;s ok, Col; I’ve plenty of greens at my place.

          purple haze.

        • #2624168

          Seen it.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to It;s ok, Col; I’ve plenty of greens at my place.

          Looked like it was dipped in powdered sugar. Sticky too. Those were the daze.

          Since we’re already off-topic… Not to get too serious but I never arrested anyone for stuff I used to do before I was a Deputy. To this day I think marijuana should be legalized. There are a lot of law-enforcement officers that feel the same way.

        • #2624812

          Contrary to the opinions of many, members of Law Enforcement are …

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to It;s ok, Col; I’ve plenty of greens at my place.

          as varied as the rest of the population; some are great guys/gals, while other are hypocritical a$$holes. Ditto for members of the Armed Forces.

          As for legalization of recreational drugs, I hold that, at the least, no one should be barred from ingesting or otherwise partaking of any natural substance, which of course includes a number of hallucinogenics. To hold that one has freedom of thought, freedom of speech, etc., but [u]not[/u] freedom to control ones own body & mind in a self-chosen manner strikes me as being contradictory of the other claimed freedoms to the point of being hypocritical.

        • #2624788

          As usual, very well said.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to It;s ok, Col; I’ve plenty of greens at my place.

          I lost a lot of friends when I became a cop but I never turned them in for anything. Two of them went to prison all on their own. Both of them went down for cocaine.

          First time small marijuana busts around here usually receive a large fine and community service. The “price” for repeat offenders goes up drastically. After getting busted once people are stupid and carry one or two doobs in their cars. For crying out loud leave it at home behind the barn or something. What are they going to do? Get stoned someplace and drive home. Really bad idea. The cops know who they are and staying under the “radar” is what it’s all about

          I’ve always said, if it’s not natural don’t do it. That’s why I like beer. As long as I’m home and keep my head together beer has never caused me a problem. NO drinking and driving. Period. Treat all recreational drugs the same way and there should be no huge issues, A few spoil it for everyone.

        • #2624732

          Common sense: Some have it; some don’t.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to It;s ok, Col; I’ve plenty of greens at my place.

          Sitting a home, getting blitzed, stoned, whatever, is one thing. It’s quite another to terrorize creatures great and small by driving in such a condition.

          Come to think of it, though, there are plenty who do the latter while straight and sober.

          Perhaps both problems could be solved by making it legal for them to do recreational drugs under the conditions that they 10 do them at home only [u]and[/u] 2) use only public transportation! Probably won’t happen though, as the DVMs would bitch about the lost revenues, without a compensatory increase in taxes.

    • #2476316

      Things change

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      • #2476179

        Now you’re making me nostalgic.

        by deepsand ·

        In reply to Things change

        🙁

    • #2476314

      It’s my wedding anniversary today

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      • #2476311

        One for Neil (Wrong level-Sue me)

        by ontheropes ·

        In reply to It’s my wedding anniversary today

      • #2476252

        Please pass my apologies to your…

        by genera-nation ·

        In reply to It’s my wedding anniversary today

        I’m afraid I cant make it tonight. Have to ferry some of my managers in the black chopper.

        Same place / time next week however!

      • #2476176

        What, no Scotch?

        by deepsand ·

        In reply to It’s my wedding anniversary today

        ?:|

        • #2625783

          I checked into prices on that single malt Scotch

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to What, no Scotch?

          That stuff is like liquid gold. I really would like to try it but I’m going to have to pass on it for awhile. I remembered Devil’s Lake Wine and Cheese Shop close to home. They have hundreds of beers in stock. I can get 2 mixed six-packs for less than what a bottle of Macallan costs. It’s a budget thing.

          So many beverages, too little time.

        • #2625743

          It’ll seem like a longer time after a few shots!

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to I checked into prices on that single malt Scotch

          Been up all night; time to crash.

          Do have a pleasant Anniversary.

        • #2625728

          Thank you

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to It’ll seem like a longer time after a few shots!

          .

      • #2625672

        Congratulations!

        by tig2 ·

        In reply to It’s my wedding anniversary today

        Have a most wonderful day- both of you!

        🙂

        • #2625560

          Thanks Tigger

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Congratulations!

          We did the dinner thing and now my wife is managing her three online stores and I’m just chilling out here. A nice relaxing day today. We had a great time.

        • #2624810

          Re. online stores

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to Thanks Tigger

          For what it’s worth, your wive and/or you may find the site WebProWorld, “The World’s Forum for eBusiness Professionals,” at http://www.webproworld.com/ , useful.

          Non-members can freely browse the forums & read posts. Membership, which is free, is needed in order to post. Additionally, they offer a wide array of free e-newsletters as well.

          You’ll find me there under the same handle as here.

      • #2625667

        Congratulantions, how many have you celebrated?

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to It’s my wedding anniversary today

        And have many more beers!!

        • #2625557

          Thanks

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Congratulantions, how many have you celebrated?

          We’ve been together forever but we’ve been married six years. I was a hard one to drag to the altar. It was finally a good idea when it was my idea and then I was surprised that she took me up on it. I’ll never figure it out.

        • #2624457

          Never get married; and, never let your kids get married.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to Thanks

          Favorite saying of an old college apartment mate.

    • #2476307

      Genesis

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

    • #2476296

      WORK Virus

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

      This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

      This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

      If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

      You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected…

    • #2476295

      A long trip…

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      Two sperms are swimming. One looks over at the other and says, “I’m exhausted! Are we almost there?”

      The other sperm looks back at him and says, “Are you kidding? We just passed the esophagus!”

      • #2476291

        $40.00

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to A long trip…

        George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get faced. After about three hours of guzzling liquor, George threw up all over his shirt.

        “CRAP!” he said. “The old lady is going to throw my a$$ out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!”

        Bill, George’s best pal, gave George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. “All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door,” Bill said. “Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned.”

        When George got home, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. “I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!” she said.

        George replied, “Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned.” His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

        “Is that so?” she said. “Then where did the other $20 bill come from?”

        “Oh, that’s from the guy who crapped in my pants,” George said.

        • #2476290

          Always be specific…

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to $40.00

          A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

          “Well,” says the man, “I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife’s golf ball.”

          “And?” asked the doctor.

          “Well,” the man said, “that’s when I lifted the cow’s tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, ‘Hey, honey?this one here looks like yours!'”

        • #2476289

          Best name in the world

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Always be specific…

          A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

          “What’s your name?” he asked.

          “Carmen,” she replied.

          “That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”

          “Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”

          “Why did you do that?” he asked.

          “Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”

          “Beertits,” the man replied.

        • #2476287

          Life after death

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Best name in the world

          A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. After many years, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact with his wife in a dream.

          “Mary?Mary?” he called.

          “Is that you, Fred?” she asked.

          “Yes,” he said. “I’ve come back like we agreed.”

          “What’s it like?” Mary asked.

          “Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex. I have breakfast. I run around the golf course. I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again, and sex again,” he said.

          “Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven!” Mary exclaimed.

          “Not exactly,” Fred said. “I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.”

        • #2476286

          Rx

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Life after death

          A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

          The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

          The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not?you cannot have any cyanide!”

          The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

        • #2476285

          Sounds about right…

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Rx

          In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

          The priest asked the janitor, “Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she’s done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I’ll be right back.”

          Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

          “Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable,” she said. “I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex.”

          Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation?surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, “Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?”

          The altar boy replied, “Two Snickers bars and a Coke.”

        • #2476200

          That is hillarious…

          by naughtymonkey ·

          In reply to Always be specific…

          rotflmfao :^0 :^0 :^0

          Okay, now I’m better 😀

          edit: ate spaces between laughs

          have now regurgitated

      • #2476282

        Anybody a dentist?

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to A long trip…

        Little Sarah came home from school one day, ran straight to the bathroom, and started to cry. Her mother went in and asked what was wrong.

        “Well,” replied Sarah, “we just learned in health class that the baby comes out where the boy’s member goes in. Is that true?”

        “Sure, honey, but that’s nothing to cry about,” said her mother. Sarah replied, “But when I have Johnny’s baby, I’m afraid it’ll knock out my teeth!”

        • #2476281

          Blonde carpenters

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Anybody a dentist?

          Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who?s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, “Hey?how come you?re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?”

          The first blonde explains, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it?s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it?s defective. If it?s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in.”

          “You moron!” the second blonde yells. “The nails pointed toward you aren?t defective. They?re for the other side of the house.”

        • #2476280

          1, 2, 3, 4

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Blonde carpenters

          A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, ?I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ?one, two, three? and you?ll get the largest erection you?ve ever had. After your wife?s been satisfied, simply say ?one, two, three, four? and it will disappear for 12 months.?

          Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, ?Watch this! One, two, three!? His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.

          His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, ?That?s great! But what did you say ?one, two, three? for??

        • #2476278

          Heidi Klum

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to 1, 2, 3, 4

          A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

          Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other?s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

          After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, ?I have a problem?It?s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.? Heidi replied, ?Okay,? to which he asked, ?Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil??

          Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

          The guy then asked, ?Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?? Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

          Then the guy said, ?Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.? Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

          Finally, the guy said to Heidi, ?Do you mind if I call you Phil?? Heidi had now become very dejected, and said ?No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.?

          So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted ?Phil, you won?t believe who I have been sleeping with!?

        • #2476277

          Door foreplay

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Heidi Klum

          One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, ?Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.?

          The man says, ?Well, give me some examples.?

          The lady explains, ?Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me. If a man fumbles around and can?t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn?t for me either.? Then she said, ?How do you unlock your door??

          The man answered, ?Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock??

        • #2476276

          Leftovers?

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Door foreplay

          A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated woman in his seedy tattoo shop, goes over to the woman immediately and asks if he can help her. To his shock, and utter delight, she lifts her designer dress, and points to her left inner thigh?very high up. ?Right here,? she says, ?I want you to tattoo a turkey with the word ?Thanksgiving? under it.?
          Then she points to her right inner thigh?just as high up?and says, ?On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with lights and tinsel, and an angel on top. And underneath the tree I want the word ?Christmas.??

          The tattoo artist looks at her, puzzled. He says, ?Lady, it?s none of my business, but that is the most unusual request I have ever had. Why in the world would you want that??

          ?Well,? the lady said, ?I?m sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there is never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.?

        • #2625779

          Thanks, Bubba69 for taking up the slack

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Anybody a dentist?

          Great to have another posting a lot of jokes. I haven’t been able to post much lately and without you giving these great funny posts the YUK would be much poorer.

          Very funny 😀

    • #2476250

      Getting married saps your testosterone

      by deepsand ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      [b]Getting married saps your testosterone[/b]

      18 October 2007
      NewScientist.com news service

      TESTOSTERONE gradually declines with age, right? Not for the Ariaal – subsistence pastoralists living in northern Kenya. They experience a decline in levels of the male hormone only when they get married. The finding provides a social and evolutionary explanation for the decrease in testosterone, rather than an age-related one.

      Ariaal men remain single “warriors” until they are around 30, at which time they marry one or more women. Peter Gray of the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and colleagues measured testosterone in 205 Ariaal men and found that those with one wife had lower levels of the hormone than unmarried men, and men with more than one wife had the lowest levels of all (Current Anthropology, DOI: 10.1086/522061). “Testosterone levels are lower among married men probably because they are investing less in mating effort,” he says. Or to put it another way, they no longer have to compete for mates.

      That link between mating effort and testosterone is made clearer by the fact that the Ariaal have an “aloof” marital system: apart from sex, husbands and wives have very little to do with each other, and men are minimally involved in childcare. In a separate study of 203 married Ariaal men, only three participants cited their wife or wives as a source of emotional support.

    • #2476229

      The best Friday Yuk Joke Ever!!!!!

      by genera-nation ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      deepsand!

      From my brief encounter anyway!

      • #2476222

        Silly rabbit.

        by deepsand ·

        In reply to The best Friday Yuk Joke Ever!!!!!

        Juveniles are a dime a dozen.

        Grow up.

        • #2476160

          C’mon deepsand

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Silly rabbit.

          Do you really expect a battle of wits from this one, as opposed to a “I know I am but what are you” retort?

          Do you argue with your children? What’s the point, let it go, we all see the light on this one I think.

        • #2625797

          Hopefully GN [i]now[/i] sees the light.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to C’mon deepsand

          It seems that it was only because of my [i]not[/i] turning the other cheek & walking away that he quite recently became engaged by others, such that he might now understand that it is he who must conform to our community standards, such as they are, rather than our converting to his.

          And, my post at http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=241568&messageID=2342653 makes it quite clear that I did in fact first give him an opportunity to demonstrate a changed behavior prior to my taking him to the woodshed.

        • #2625613

          ahh, the woodshed

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Hopefully GN [i]now[/i] sees the light.

          well, I dont remember the shed, but I used to get painfully hit by a big wooden stick, and a big wooden spoon (my behind broke the spoon and it was replaced with a stick).

          Oh, the painful memories. I am guessing the shed is similar, but with many more wooden accessories to torture with???

        • #2625496
          Avatar photo

          And after all the Wooden Accessories are broken

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to ahh, the woodshed

          The Belt will come out. 😀

          We had never seen [b]The Belt[/b] but we had heard all about it, It was 18 Foot long 6 Feet wide and it had [b]Bloody Big Hocks[/b] on it to rip the meat off your bones. If you ever saw the Belt that was the last anyone saw of you. :p

          When I’m not opening Air Locks and allowing the ones that [b]Pi$$ Me Off[/b] to leave the ship I wear a [b]Black Hood[/b] and wield [b]The Belt[/b] on the naughty little ones and the [b]Fake Steffi.[/b] 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2624202

          Woodsheds provided privacy, convenience & plausible deniability.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to ahh, the woodshed

          In many families, corporal punishment involved being whipped or spanked on ones bare buttocks, and was therefore carried out in private.

          While the barn was eminently suited for such in fair weather, its distance from the house made it less than ideal in foul. As the woodshed was either attached to, or very near to, the house, it was the better suited. Additionally, it had the advantage of affording the condemned far less opportunity for escape while en-route to his doom.

          In addition to private punishement affording the participants escape from the judgement and/or intervention of others, it also allowed each to convey to others his own personal telling of the tale without fear of being proved wrong.

      • #2476165

        Relax

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to The best Friday Yuk Joke Ever!!!!!

        That’ll get you nowhere fast. Believe me, I have seen a thousand JUST LIKE YOU before, and so has everyone else.

      • #2625534

        I feel sorry for Palmetto

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to The best Friday Yuk Joke Ever!!!!!

        He’s gonna get some B!tch slaps after this weeks yuk! Any volunteers girls??

    • #2476214

      Beautiful Girl

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong. “Well,” replies Paul, “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?” “Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.

      “Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.” “That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”

      “I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”. “Sensible” says Jeff.

      “So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.” “And what happened then?”

      “I kicked her in the face.”

      • #2625657

        g.g. I think we have one more for the impure brigade!!

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Beautiful Girl

        😀

        • #2624598

          :o

          by stangg ·

          In reply to g.g. I think we have one more for the impure brigade!!

          Finally something of value I can put on my CV? 😛

        • #2624553

          At the very top of it,

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to :o

          at least!

          I think you’ll enjoy the Impure Brigade.

          Membership is free, but you get fined if you miss any opportunities to take threads/posts into the gutter, or any opportunities for a DE.

          The Muckier the Better!
          (Brigade Motto! :p :p )

          ;\

          GG
          ]:)

    • #2476212

      Just Hold Me…

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

      I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

      So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

      “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

      She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

      Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

      The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on Several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to Compliment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”

      We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

      I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

      I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

      Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

      I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

      And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

      Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….

      • #2625661

        Not with HER anyway.

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Just Hold Me…

        🙂

        Sheesh! Hookers are cheaper…. AND they go away after the important part 🙂

    • #2476201

      I ‘think’ this is a male joke

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband.
      Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away.
      It comes to a point where she hasn’t had good sex for over a year and is
      considering divorce.
      After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets
      home.
      When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at
      him,
      He says ‘Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom’.
      She can’t believe it; at last he’s going to pay her a bit of attention.
      They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. ‘Now darling do a
      hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall’.
      ‘Hmmm,’ she thinks ‘KINKY… I like it.’
      She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his
      chin on her privates.
      ‘The boys down the pub were right,’ he says,’a Goatee WOULD suit me!’

    • #2476195

      A (nearly) Final Thought of the day

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      Handle every situation like a dog.

      If you can’t eat it or hump it. Pi$$ on it and walk away.

    • #2476190

      The BOOK

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      New Built-in Orderly Organized Knowlege Device Hits The Market

      Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK). The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!

      Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here’s how it works…

      Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.

      These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

      Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

      An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

      Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

      You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Notation Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS) or the Permanent Entry Notation System (PENS).

      Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

      • #2476147

        good one…

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to The BOOK

        I haven’t seen that one in years 🙂
        Here’s to Isaac Asimov!!!

      • #2625649

        I remember the pencil was referred as the first computer.

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to The BOOK

        😀

    • #2476186

      by stangg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

      A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

      Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.”

      *******************************

      MALE PROCEDURE:

      1. Drive up to the cash machine.
      2. Put down your car window.
      3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
      4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
      5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
      6. Put window up.
      7. Drive off.

      *******************************

      FEMALE PROCEDURE:

      Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

      1. Drive up to cash machine.
      2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
      3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
      4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
      5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
      6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
      7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
      8. Insert card.
      9. Re-insert card the right way.
      10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
      11. Enter PIN.
      12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
      13. Enter amount of cash required.
      14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
      15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
      16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
      17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
      18. Re-check makeup.
      19. Drive forward 2 feet.
      20. Reverse back to cash machine.
      21. Retrieve card.
      22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
      23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
      24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
      25. Redial person on cell phone.
      26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
      27. Release Parking Brake.

      • #2625617

        Yes, an unfortunate truth

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to

        but as with all truth’s, I am surprised that you have not made it to someones ‘hit list’ yet!

        Wait, I will wait for a response from you to make sure you arent buried yet :^0

    • #2476139

      Hollywood Squares?

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his
      tail. What will a goose do?
      A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

      Q: Do female frogs croak?
      A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
      long enough.

      Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb, can you
      detect light?
      A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

      Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be
      at least how high?
      A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

      Q: True or false…a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
      A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes…

      Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
      a man or a woman?
      A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

      Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and
      you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
      and ask him if he’s married?
      A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

      Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you
      get older?
      A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

      Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
      say “I love you”?
      A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and
      a twenty.

      Q: What are “Do It,” “I Can Help” and “Can’t Get Enough”?
      A: George Gobel: I don’t know but it’s coming from the next
      apartment.

      Q: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
      going to get any during your first year?
      A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy.
      growing strawberries!

      Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
      nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
      A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

      Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
      A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

      Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
      getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
      A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

      Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body
      – what is it?
      A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t
      neglected!

      Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than
      150 pounds?
      A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

      Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it’s sex?
      A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

      Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
      them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What
      are they?
      A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

      • #2476131

        famous quotes…..

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to Hollywood Squares?

        “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
        * Tom Clancy

        “You know “that look” women get when they want sex?…… Me neither.”
        * Steve Martin

        “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
        * Woody Allen

        “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
        * Rodney Dangerfield

        “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
        * Lynn Lavner

        “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
        * George Burns

        “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
        * Sharon Stone

        “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
        * Jack Nicholson

        “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
        * Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor!)

        “Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
        * Robin Williams

        “Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
        * Roseanne

        “Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place.”
        * Billy Crystal

        “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
        * Dustin Hoffman

        “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
        * Rod Stewart

        “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
        * Robin Williams

        • #2476111

          from craigslist…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to famous quotes…..

          To the girl who flashed me while I was driving-

          You were on the sidewalk with a gaggle of your friends and you were all rushing toward the curb. I hit my brakes, afraid that you were going to run into the street, but you flashed me instead.

          Never before have I believed in love at first sight. They were shapely and round and oh-so-generously proportioned, with smooth creamy skin, and they were proudly standing up with the resilience of youth. I immediately began thinking of all the things I could do with your breasts — we could go for long walks together on misty mornings, have dinner in romantic restaurants, go for bike rides around the lake. I began to imagine a lifetime of waking up with your breasts in my face, continuing to love them as age and gravity inevitably take their toll.

          I could write poems for your pom-poms, ditties for your titties. Eat your heart out Keats — who needs a Grecian urn when I’ve got a pair of ice cream sundaes with cherries on top?

          I’m almost certainly too old for you, but I think I could still have a meaningful relationship with your boobs.

        • #2476108

          have a great weekend everyone…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to from craigslist…

          An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.

          He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

          The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

          The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

          The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

          Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

          Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

          The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

    • #2625643

      Death of the Yuk

      by gsg ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      I don’t post much in the Yuk, but usually enjoy and look forward to coming here every friday after a long week at work to get my fix of some nice funny jokes, and good natured mouthing between Col, Steffi, and the gang. However, today I’ve had enough. I’m sick of all the whining, bad-mouthing, and general b*tchiness between a couple of people that is happening here today. If I want to hear that, I’ll just go back to work. I skipped a lot of it, but it keeps creeping in unexpectedly. You two need to take this elsewhere. We’re here for fun not playground antics. So, if you really need to prove who’s is bigger, go behind the woodshed, drop ’em, and whoever has the bigger one wins. Until then, if you two feel the need to flame each other, start a new thread, and leave this one.

      • #2625634

        STOP WHINING!!!!!!!!!!! Geez

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Death of the Yuk

        Ok, I hear ya, but you know, you are whining about it now too!!!

        :^0

        Happy Friday

        • #2625573

          as a frequent reader of the yuk

          by langlier ·

          In reply to STOP WHINING!!!!!!!!!!! Geez

          But seldom time poster… I’d have to agree… virtually no funny and all lame today… Thanks to those who get the point of the yuk and post things humor related…

        • #2625556

          Most of it was

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to as a frequent reader of the yuk

          at least up near the top.
          Although, to avoid the non-yuk parts take this into consideration. If Genera-nation is up the chain, skip that section

        • #2625550

          figured that out…

          by langlier ·

          In reply to Most of it was

          but percentage wise… this yuk is less then 10% joke posts to crap… waaaay down from past yuks…

        • #2625502

          But, But, But

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to figured that out…

          I rarely post many jokes, but I think I add humour to the Yuk.
          Oh, come on now. Some of these little spats were quite amusing (I thought).

      • #2623222

        GSG, why don’t you post some funny jokes :)

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Death of the Yuk

        I have posted my little heart out in the past, but do not have the time this week, so far. Stangg has picked up the slack somewhat, but you would be most welcome to pick back up the jokes. 😀

        Many have sent posts on how they read and enjoy the jokes, posters are much rarer though. Come on, help us out!

        😀 😀

    • #2625614

      Sometimes More True than other Times.

      by jester james ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      We’ve all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

    • #2625539

      Since “the press” equate all “hackers” with computer criminals …

      by absolutely ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      In a recently-posted article about a crime that was committed using a computer, the word “hacker” was used to describe the perpetrator — as usual. On the pcworld forums, user “LiquidWave22” called the author on this, and I got an idea.

      http://forums.pcworld.com/message/67063#67063

      Since “the press” refers to all computer criminals as “hackers”, why don’t we all call them “tabloids” & “paparazzi”? I know, this isn’t the uproarious laugh some other members contribute, but it is recyclable and can be personalized as much as any computer desktop. Please use responsibly, and direct it only at irresponsible journalists. I mean paparazzi. Crap, new habits are hard to start.

      • #2625498

        New Habits?

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Since “the press” equate all “hackers” with computer criminals …

        I rarely watch the news (or weather for that matter) because its all crap. Journalism has become a crappy career, and these fools would gladly kill each other for a story.
        As for weather, I knew they had no idea when a few years ago they said it was going to be a clear day, in the 80’s to 90’s all day. Less than 2 hours later it was raining and in the 50’s.

        They are all quaks, and the reporting in many cases is sub-par and usually has a bias.
        So, yes, they are all paparazzi

        • #2625485

          jet stream

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to New Habits?

          I actually cut the weather forecasters the tiniest bit of slack, at least the ones on the West Coast, because the water/land interface, closely followed by the coastal mountain ranges, make for some genuinely challenging problems in meteorology. If I was in New York, on the other hand, and they consistently got the weather that wrong after it had been strolling across 1000 miles of corn fields without anything to change the air masses’ momentum, then I’d think they were seriously deficient.

          More importantly, they don’t generally opine on computer techs, so I don’t have any axe to grind with them. That I know of. Yet.

    • #2625090

      Motherly Love

      by w2ktechman ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      and the Un-loved as well

      Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    • #2624824

      Steffi knows

      by canuckster ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      … that she should quit smoking. Now, an appetite for chinese food and alcohol, that’s different! Too bad she’s so far away or I might ask her to share a hot and sour.

    • #2467681

      Isn’t it time

      by absolutely ·

      In reply to Friday’s Very Early Yuk!

      for somebody in Australia to start tomorrow’s Yuk?

Viewing 34 reply threads