1 Finish Profile

Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

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Two ways to avoid the flu:

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise – because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

[b]OR [/b]

You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.
Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

So……

I walk to the liquor store (exercise)

I put lime in my Corona (fruit)

I put celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

I drink on the bar patio (fresh air)

I get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress)

and then pass out (rest).

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Topic

Love?

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

A Woman’s Husband Had Been Slipping In And Out Of A Coma For Several Months. Yet She Had Stayed By His Bedside Every Single Day.

One Day, When He Came To He Motioned For Her To Come Nearer. As She Sat By Him, He Whispered, Eyes Full Of Tears, “You Know What??? “You Have Been With Me All Through The Bad Times. When I Got Fired, you Were There To Support Me. When My Business Failed, You Were There. When I Got shot, You Were By My Side. When We Lost The House, You Stayed Right Here. When My Health Started Failing, You Were Still By My Side. You Know What???”

“What Dear???” She Gently Asked. Smiling As Her Heart Began To Fill With Warmth.

“I Think You’re Bad Luck, Get The F**k Away From Me.”

yuk?

In reply to Love?

Sometime electricy shock is not so power then the nice post.

OMG IT’S SPAM GUY!!!

In reply to yuk?

I’ve finally found you!!! You’re the barsteward that keeps sending me all those emails with completely indecipherable subjects… sorry I’ve been junking all your stuff dude. Can you please explain [i][b]claustrophobic try cobble on canis it’s[/i][/b]?

ROFLMAO

In reply to OMG IT’S SPAM GUY!!!

His posts do sound like the randomly generated titles of so many spam e-mails.

BTW, anyone know what the reason for such titles for spam? Anyone with a lick of sense knows to delete those monstrosities.

Fair is fair

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOSH! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOSH!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful ..CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “Now you know what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Finally…a Real Man’s Chain Letter

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn’t cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent.

Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.

This chain also brings good luck. One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter’s waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let’s keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below:

Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Willem Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Phooey Again!!!!!!!

In reply to Finally…a Real Man’s Chain Letter

jdclyde,

DO YOU HAVE TO GO THERE WITH THE FORMER 42ND PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?!?!?

Dude, THAT is SOOOO NOT funny!!!!!!

-swg

he shoulda acted like a grown up

In reply to Phooey Again!!!!!!!

I think the Clinton chainletter is hilarious.

Ditto

In reply to he shoulda acted like a grown up

I thought it was rather humorous, I had to laugh.

going there

In reply to Phooey Again!!!!!!!

of course I had to! You wouldn’t want me to edit a document before passing it along, would you?

That would be censorship! ;\

And actually, it is kind of funny!

Phooey on YOU!

In reply to Phooey Again!!!!!!!

This is the Friday Yuk, not some talk news show. Anything and everything is fair game.
Hell, I’m a Bush supporter, but if a good one was posted here, I’d STILL laugh my ass off!

Hey!

In reply to Phooey on YOU!

We’ll have no assless people on this site.

Humor contains a grain of truth

In reply to Phooey Again!!!!!!!

At least the better humor does. Face it, Clinton had a problem with keeping his hands of the help. It is just as valid to laugh at that as it is to make fun of our current President’s serial murder of the english language.

It is all funny, when done in a way that is indeed funny. It taps into the vast undercurrent of foibles that infect us all.

Since when is Clinton above a good ribbing? He was most assuredly adverse to a good rubbing! 😉

ROFL

In reply to Finally…a Real Man’s Chain Letter

This is the best joke I’ve read all year

Agreed

In reply to ROFL

Especially the name at the end, “Mr. Hillary Clinton”. 🙂

The Priest and the Nun

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

Priest and a Nun

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.”

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.” He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.” He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.”

This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.”

The nun said, “That’s fine by me.”

To which the priest yelled out, “Get up and get your own blanket!”

The atheist and the bear

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

[b]The atheist and the bear[/b]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods on a beautiful afternoon. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising his right paw to strike!

At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this mess? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light and replied, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the weary voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and
spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen.”

That is good

In reply to The atheist and the bear

I could see this happening to Absolutely, now that would be “Just Desserts”. 🙂

yeah, I could see that

In reply to That is good

Matter of fact, as the resident ANTI-religion member, this was posted with him in mind! ;\

RELIGION IKNEW IT WOULD LEAD TO THIS

In reply to yeah, I could see that

I am not religious but I do believe in GOD

The way I see it

In reply to RELIGION IKNEW IT WOULD LEAD TO THIS

when people start taking themselves too seriously, they are ASKING and BEGGING others to target them.

It WAS still done in a good natured way though. After all, I don’t CARE enough of what others say to take it personally.

At least the bear won’t be saying it’s prayers before chewing on you nova?

Now go post a yuk!

Maybe you’re dyslexic

In reply to RELIGION IKNEW IT WOULD LEAD TO THIS

Dog??? :^O

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no f**ker can spell!

In reply to Maybe you’re dyslexic

The dyslexic pervert? …Went into an S&M shop and bought a nice cardigan…..

Dyslexic rockstar who died by choking on his own Vimto…

(British jokes)

Dyslexic pimp opened his own warehouse!

and…..

In reply to Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no f**ker can spell!

the rallying call…..

DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE!

😀

GG

My turn

In reply to Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no f**ker can spell!

Did you hear about the dyslexic, insominic athiest?

He lays awake at night wondering if their is a dog.

Dont forget me !!

In reply to Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no f**ker can spell!

Did you hear about the dyslexic chef who was found dead in the oven?
The recipe said to cook the roast.

And how about the dyslexic couple who couldn’t have sex?
They kept trying to do 96.

]:)

I blame DAWG for this

In reply to Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no f**ker can spell!

Dyslexic jokes have run rampant! run! Run for your LIVES! :O

(96, oh my!) ;\

Dyslexic Devil Worshipper

In reply to Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no f**ker can spell!

He sold his soul to santa

Ouch!!. . .

In reply to Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no f**ker can spell!

Egad, zooks!! DOES EVERYBODY HAVE TO GO THERE WITH JOKES ABOUT A CHRONIC READING PROBLEM?!?!? :O

I say here, for anyone to make a joke about a reading disability, someone is really an oddball!!!

-swg

Will f*ck for wood

In reply to Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no f**ker can spell!

Did you hear about the dyslexic homeless guy?
He held up a sign reading “Will f*ck for wood.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[b] WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT A JOKE FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED. IT CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR AND LANGUAGE. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DO NOT SCROLL DOWN, PLEASE READ ANOTHER JOKE.[/b]
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++\

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shlthead, whoa As$hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shlt,
So I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.”

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this night’s been a bitch!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
“The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”

(Please don’t kill the thread TR, it is almost Christmas afterall.) 🙂

and. . .

In reply to The atheist and the bear

And the bear had to eat up the atheist, right?

-swg

The post-script: Stop it with your crazy threaded posts!!!!!

well

In reply to and. . .

ya.

What Kind of Thread is THAT You’ve Started?!?

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

Uh, jdclyde, you have forgot to mention the mineral Zinc? That together with Vitamin C, healthy alternatives and needed rest is what will fight the influenza virii.

As for the rest of this thread there, WHAT IN TARNATION IS THAT?

That, dude, is an UNHEALTHY alternative to fighting the flu!!!!

-swg

virii? What’s virii?

In reply to What Kind of Thread is THAT You’ve Started?!?

Sorry, but I’m feeling a bit pedantic this morning so I’m on a mission to stamp out the “word” virii.

Virus comes directly from Latin but not all singular Latin words ending in -us pluralise to -i. Also, the obvious plural “viri” already means “men”. Virii doesn’t mean anything at all except as the non-existent plural of the non-existent word “virius”.

The problem arises because the original Latin meaning of virus is venom or poison and, as such, doesn’t lend itself easily to pluralisation as it’s not anything that can be counted.

So. stick to English and treat it like Greek words ending in -us.

[b]Viruses[/b]. Computer and ‘flu.

Aaaaah. I feel better now.

Neil :p

Pedantic??? You???

In reply to virii? What’s virii?

Somnolent maybe, perpatetic(you ran, not walked
away, from GG, standing her up)definitely!!! Pedantic??? Maybe occasionaly.:^O
If you’re going to trot out the five pounder words; so can I. :^O

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Virii is plural for virus!!!!!

In reply to virii? What’s virii?

Another English plural for virus is viruses.

Hey!!!!! I am speaking commonwealth English here!!!!!

-swg

Nope!

In reply to Virii is plural for virus!!!!!

Virii doesn’t mean [b]anything[/b] in American or British English or – more significantly – in Latin.

Pedantic? I?

Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! it’s catching…

PLEASE be patient with me as I explain. . .

In reply to Nope!

Virii may be Latin in nature, however that term may have been anglicised quite a bit. . .

-swg

The post-script: I may want to take that back, however there should be a commonwealth English version the the American plural viruses.

WTF ???

In reply to What Kind of Thread is THAT You’ve Started?!?

do you know what W T F stands for? Yes..good..no..figure it out..

Don’t know what you do for r&r swg..but some of us like to have a laugh ya?
I been so busy at work for the past 2 weeks i haven’t had time for a coffee break..and the FIRST lunch break i take in 2 weeks..i think to myself:
“self..lets go onto TR and see what the craic is”
then i think oh, a new yuk yuk, cool..that might take the edge off my head (which by the way is about 2 hours from inploding on itself)and wow..its a Yuk Yuk from JD, even better..(who by the way is very high on my list of “people i would actually speak to”)
then i read your posts..which really make me think WTF ????????

i’m crawling back into my hole now..(its a nice hole..shag carpet..nice view of Hades..)

But it was grand

In reply to WTF ???

to have you pop your head out of your hole for a bit to come and play with the boys!

Hope the head is doing better, and you have a GREAT holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone that celibrates it!

and stop calling me Shirley

In reply to But it was grand

your in a good mood then..
head not imploded yet..venting on swg made me feel slightly better 🙂
now if only i could string up our “consultants” who made a Hugh Jass mess of our database..(ref integrity all messed up..got orphan data everywhere..year end aproaching..need stats for public release…)

have a good holiday over there in holiday land..no thanksgiving in ireland..no turkey for me..no cranberry..no thats ok..don’t worry about it..my campbells cup a soup will do me just fine..

Have a good one guys!!

Actually

In reply to and stop calling me Shirley

it is left over pizza for me. The EX gets the boys on Thanksgiving, I get them on sunday because that is when my family celibrates the holiday.

So I am sitting here with this damm cat attacking my feet! Guess that isn’t as bad as when he insists on walking across the keyboard to attack the mouse.

HAve a grand day anyways “shirley”

Like do you have to crawl into a hole because of me?

In reply to WTF ???

Like you don’t have to even go there, dude. I am just quite sensitive that is all. You don’t have to take offense.

I understand the WTF words already, however, even in acronyms I DO NOT use profanity.

-swg

The post-script: My humble apologies for biting your head off in response to jdclyde’s jokes.

holes..

In reply to Like do you have to crawl into a hole because of me?

swg..no..i was crawling back into a hole because i was hiding from my stress..

but ya..lets not go there..we all do what we do

It is called a joke

In reply to What Kind of Thread is THAT You’ve Started?!?

you may have heard someone make reference to one before?

You may be rather new to TR, but the weekly “yuk yuk” is not something new, and not of my making. Just carried the torch this week as it was a short week for me!

Lighten up! Some day I will post something serious, ok? But today will not be that day.

Laughter IS the best alternative to fighting the flu. Try it some time.

Like that one…here are some more

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver’s window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!” at the top of his lungs. “No!” the blonde yelled back, “Scarf!”

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she’s speeding so she asks the blonde if there’s a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he’s got his lights on. The blonde replies “Yes…No…Yes…No…Yes…No”

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says “If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day”

What’s the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo…
A blonde says any-cock-le-doo…

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn’t! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”

Groan!!! More blond jokes??? You a brunette???

In reply to Like that one…here are some more

or a redhead??? :^O

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

You people all working today?

In reply to Groan!!! More blond jokes??? You a brunette???

I am sitting here with my laptop, wrapped up in my nice fleece throw enjoying my day off and I see you starting to show up.

It is grand to be me!

Go on, rub it in

In reply to You people all working today?

that’ll be a yes, then….

:p

GG

Actually

In reply to Go on, rub it in

It is YOU I was hoping would do the rubbing FOR me! 😡

And yes, rasberry sauce is fun too!

4:30 REAL time (eastern), so our UK family is home by now. The rest of you should be getting pretty close too.

Unfortunately … Yes !!

In reply to Groan!!! More blond jokes??? You a brunette???

I am a brunette … I work along side a bunch of blondes….I see them and get inspired … :p

Send me to work in a circus and I will write clown Jokes 😀

]:)

best one yet..

In reply to Unfortunately … Yes !!

“I see them and get inspired … ”

thats a good one..permission to use it ?

Of Course …. but …

In reply to best one yet..

Make TR members a part of whatever fun you squeeze out of it 😀

]:)

See unlike Dawg I was paying attention

In reply to Unfortunately … Yes !!

I remembered you were of east Indian descent (south asian is the term here in Toronto) born and raised in UK. So when I read those blond jokes I thought to myself there is a brunette looking for revenge – am I right? Admit it, you collect them….

James(a brunette of scottish ancestry)

Hit the nail right on the head !!!

In reply to See unlike Dawg I was paying attention

I admit …. I collect them …. REVENGE :^O

And working with blondes helps loads 😉

There was some people an a plane and they threw an apple, an orange, and a bomb out the window. When they landed they decided to go on a walk and there was a boy cyring and they asked why are you crying and he said a apple came out of the sky and hurt my dog, so they went on and saw this girl crying and they asked why are you cryin and the girl said a orange came out of the sky and hurt my cat so they went on and saw a blond laughing and they said whats so funny and she said i farted and the building behind me blew up!!!

]:) (If you are happy and you know it,clap your hands !!!)

sigh…

In reply to Hit the nail right on the head !!!

I work with lots of french canadians and they tend not to be blondes – at least natural ones….

I live in an ethnically diverse area. My next door neighbours are from Newfoundland – so you could take a lot of jokes and adapt(yorkshire jokes?). The other side are scottish ancestry, the original owner passed away but was from Glasgow. All the stereotypes applied….

I tend not to think about jokes about my south asian neighbours, as too many of them have racist roots. But there are some hilarious south asian comics in the Toronto area that I enjoy hearing on the radio. Russell Peters and Shawn Majumder are the two that come to mind.

And I do admit to watching Bramwell High…and enjoying it.

James

You cant just listen to the comics ..

In reply to sigh…

and not post the funnies for us … Go on, you are dying to share them, i know 😉

Going to catch in a movie with friends guys….See ya tommorow…Happy thanksgiving to those who celeberate and happy Thursday to those who dont 🙂

]:)

Russell Peters

In reply to sigh…

More along the lines of a Bill Cosby or Jerry Seinfeld – not a joke teller but a story teller.

http://www.badmash.org/videos/videos.php?v=brown_guy.wmv&t=Russell%20Peters%20is%20Funny

http://www.nowtoronto.com/issues/17/15/Ent/cover.html

Try that one….

Warning, not for people with extreme sensitivities….
James

Okay us_geeks you asked for it. Blond jokes!!!!

In reply to Like that one…here are some more

Many Blonde Jokes

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they’re simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: What’s a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a
blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she’s been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men.

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they’re flucked.

Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: “Fun fun fun worry
worry worry”
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry.

Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver’s test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back
seat.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s
car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde having her period and a
terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She thought she’d given her last blowjob.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.

Q: Why did they call the blonde “twinkie”?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of
sly pygmies?
A: One’s a bunch a cunning runts.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won’t follow you around after you use it.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, “Cock’ll-doodl-doooo”, while a
blonde says, “Any-cock’ll-doooo.”

Q: What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
blonde?
A: The prostitute says, “Aren’t you done yet?”
The nympho says, “Are you done already?”
The blonde says, “Beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde’s boyfriend?
A: He’s the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in
her forehead.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don’t know.
A3: Neither did she.

Q. How can you tell that a blondes having a bad day.
A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can’t find her
pencil.

Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.

Q: Why can’t blondes become elevator operators?
A: They don’t know the route.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at a time.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet.

Q: What’s the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met.

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.

Q: What’s the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friends.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You wouldn’t let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they’ll both end up in the gutter.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and “The Titanic”?
A: They know how many men went down on “The Titanic”.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only ‘had’ 10000 men.

Q: What did the blonde’s mom say to her before the blondes date?
A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “Nice tits”

Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A2: To keep her neck warm

Q: What does a blonde look like after sex?
A: I don’t know I am already gone.

Q: What does an airplane and a blonde have in common?
A: They both have a cockpit

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.

Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way.

Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she’s ready to blow.

Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Because they’re both steaming and wet when you enter, and they
don’t mind if you bring friends.

Q: Why are blondes like TVs?
A: Any three year old can turn them on.

Q: What’s one thing everybody sees in a blonde?
A: A dick.

Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast has fewer crabs.

Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.

Q: What’s the difference between blondes and McDonald’s?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why don’t they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can’t get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown
around.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why does it work?
A: “Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?”

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What’s a blondes favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so shallow, a long joke wouldn’t fit.
A3: So men can understand them.

Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.

Q: What is a blonde’s favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to
death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

Q: Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it
in six or twelve pieces.
A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: They don’t have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW’s?
A: Because they can’t spell Porsche.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they’re on the train they can tell if they’re going
to work or coming home.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people’s words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip
cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W’s.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year’s hide and seek champ.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

Q: How do you measure a blonde’s intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming
vase?
A: “It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?
A: Trying to put batteries in it.

Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking.
A: She said “Yes, I’ve seen it done.”

Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse?
A: So she won’t shit on the street during a parade.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Hide her hairbrush.

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can’t get their head in the jar.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer.

Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m *sooo* drunk!”

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”

Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call?
A1: “Has that blonde gone yet?”
A2: “When is that blonde going to leave?”
A3: “All the blondes have gone home”

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: What does “Bones” McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a
blonde?
A: “Space. The final frontier…”

Q: What’s brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who’s told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don’t know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: “What’s a lightbulb?”
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, “Daddy”

Q: What’s a blonde’s favourite wine?
A: “Daddy, I want to go to Miaaami!”

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it’s mine?

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don’t tell her to swallow.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I’ll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows but there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A – Almost Boobs
B – Barely there
C – Can Do
D – Damn good
E – Enormous
F – Fake

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the
door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up
to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take
their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are
popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting,
“51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
chanting grows, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show
up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, “51 days, 51
days, 51 days!”

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the
table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the
table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, “51 days, 51
days, 51 days!”

The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks
over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child’s puzzle
of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the
bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and
celebration about?”

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, “Everyone thinks
that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set
the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and
put it together. The side of the box said 2 – 4 years, but we put it
together in 51 days!”

A man entered the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls and sat
down next to a blond. The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his
bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her he said, “It’s golf
balls.”

The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked,
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She’s just
skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to
her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the
first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, “I
need a haircut.” The hairdresser checks her out and says, “OK, sit
down and take off your headphones.” “No way!” shouts the blonde, “If
I take off my headphones, I’ll die!” “Then I can’t give you a
haircut,” replies the hairdresser.

So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the
board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the
hairdresser, “I need a haircut… but you can’t take off my
headphones or I’ll die!” The hairdresser looks at her a little
weird, but says, “OK, no problem. Have a seat.” So the blonde sits
down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn’t
looking, rips the headphones off her head.

Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face,
then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The
hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over
and cautiously listens into the blonde’s headphones and hears…

“Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out…”

A blond gets tired of it all and dyes her hair. She’s now a brunette
and feels “much” smarter. Everyone tells her she’s smarter. So she
goes for a drive in the country one day and stops in a lane which is
blocked by a herd of sheep. She gets out, talks to the farmer and
says, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?”

He looks perplexed but says, “Sure.”

So she says, ” Uh….157?”

He says, “My God, that’s correct. Take a sheep. ”

So she wanders among the herd. She likes this one and that one and
finally is very attracted to one that wags its tail and likes her.
She picks it up and puts in it the car.

The farmer says, “Can I make a deal with you?”

“Sure, ” says she.

He says, “If I can guess what color your hair really is, can I have
my dog back?”

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her: “Honey, I just heard on the
news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the I95. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the blonde, “There’s flucking hundreds of them!”

[b][i]Use them in good health[/i][/b]

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

How can I ever Thank you enough??

In reply to Okay us_geeks you asked for it. Blond jokes!!!!

These will be great for my collection :^O

(chuckles …. 157 dogs?? 157 GODs?? Oh my gosh .. am I dyslexic?? … )

]:)

Here are the jokes I promised yesterday …

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

And no, Unlike you, jd, I have not been good..I did not take away the bad ones 😀

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won’t stop for directions.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They’re intended for children, but it’s the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It’s sex with someone they love.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn’t happened yet.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He’s breathing

Q: What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don’t know. It’s never happened.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Q: What is a man’s idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

]:)

And your point is…….????LOL

In reply to Here are the jokes I promised yesterday …

Q:Why do women close their eyes while having sex?
A:They hate to see a man enjoying himself.

As regards the toilet seat; why can’t women ever remember to put it up since they’re the ones with the fixation about it. One might even say anal fixation.

Ba-da-boom

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

a step further

In reply to And your point is…….????LOL

it is the women that don’t want to sit on a wet seat after all?

Their choice!

At the time my EX put the fluffy cover on that would prevent the lid from staying up, I also stopped reminding the boys to lift the cover before they would go.

Fair is fair! ]:)

Fluffy Cover ??

In reply to a step further

Thats a bit too much. Even for me …

I would rather bash my guy about and scream my lungs out …

Actually, it is kinda stupid the way guys think up all the points and arguments they are going to need beforehand. Why dont they realize, that the moment a girl starts crying, she has won the argument anyway??

]:)

( mutters … fluffy ??? )

A funky humour situation!

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

Jokes about sex, fair-haired women, all that schmutz!

I have a brilliant one. Yes, you can say it is not funny, humourous or whatever to hate the humour I have–

I think I have real live worms and bugs inside my Windows XP machine, so I cannot upgrade to Windows Vista!

What is more, my personal computer is so sick the antivirus programs won’t be able to fix it!

To make matters worse, my hard disk drive keeps crashing–I think I am suffering from internal hard drive failure!

WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP FIX MY ‘PUTER?!?!?
Oh, snap, since I am self sufficient and all, I go get my own hard disk drive! I got disk backup before my ‘puter got sick!

And if something weird happens even before the install of Windows Vista, I go get me other computer components, including the motherboard, because somehow, all those virii (viruses for those of simple English) went into the boot sector of the old hard disk drive and spread to the motherboard components! Oh, snap, my computer died!

The ‘puter died before I even begun to put in Windows Vista. And I am screaming 2nd Avenue Deli over the loss of the ‘puter?!?!? YES!!!!!!!

Sad to say, if I am screaming 2nd Avenue Deli over the loss of my ‘puter there, I have forgotten to back up my data! Duh!!

This is my fault so I am bringing this calamity upon my self by allowing the bear to come strike me in the forest!

If I have forgotten to back up my files I am must be a dimwitt throwing a temper tantrum, inflicting pain on my self, wishing for the bear to come strike me, for some stranger to rape and dismember me, for gang-bangers to shoot me in the head, for some reckless idiot to run me over in his automobile (car), or to commit suicide. ALL THIS FOR NOT BACKING UP MY BLOOMY FILES!!!!!!

Oh, hold up: I ALREADY backed up my files there. What am I, a seven-year-old helpless girl in Kangaroos sneakers or a 29 year old woman acting like an idiot?!?

You be the judge of that!

-swg

Maybe it’s time

In reply to A funky humour situation!

for more sex jokes? :p

Absolutely …..

In reply to Maybe it’s time

Here’s another one

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

]:)

2nd Avenue Deli

In reply to A funky humour situation!

I understand that 2nd Avenue Deli is considered to be a very good deli in NYC, but why would you shout “2nd Avenue Deli”?

After reading your posts, I think there might be a room reserved for you in Bellevue Hospital. 🙂

Better Nate than Lever

In reply to Holiday Yuk Yuk (11/23/05)

Things I Learned From Movies

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings – especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments – especially wind instruments and accordions – can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Things a fella can learn from action movies

In reply to Better Nate than Lever

1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. If I’m white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy if I’m black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

One more important one…

In reply to Things a fella can learn from action movies

Any criminal investigation will include one visit to a topless bar where the dancers will be featured prominently on the way in. The bad guy will always have an isolated table in the back where the good guy can announce his intention to take him down….

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