+ 0 Votes Control - Trust - Choices Joe_R 6 years ago I might guess that your issue is all about control - specifically the need to control other people. Generally speaking, that's an effort in futility. When people get angry at others, it's because those other people do not meet the expectations you might place upon them, or perhaps because they don't perform to your standards. There might also be a trust issue, one in which you actually expect others to fail. Focus on how you perform and how you meet the expectations placed upon yourself. Let other people decide how they'll perform. Other people will succeed or fail, depending on a number of factors, but largely because of how they choose to perform. Just as you would resist other people injecting their preferences upon you, other people resent the same treatment. A key to good management (even if you're not a manager) is to find good people, give them a task, and get out of their way and let them do it. If they succeed, give them all the credit they deserve, and take none of the credit yourself. If they fail, then allow them the opportunity to learn from it. If they fall somewhere in-between, focus on the good and praise them for that. Without coming across as some sort of psychologist (which I'm not), I might suggest that people who continually belittle other people have a very low opinion of themselves. Whatever you project outwardly is only a reflection of what's going on internally. You're exactly the kind of person you choose to be. Decide to make a different choice. + 0 Votes I feel your pain... oscar.lozano 6 years ago The truth is that there are professionals that they think are professionals in every aspect and professionals that behave professionally. That said, you need to decide in which end are you. Being a professional, requires some ethics, written or unwritten, you know that some attitudes or behaviors are destructive on some kind of way, so you step up, work with it and take them out of the equation. That's a kind of ethic. Unfortunately, not every one thinks that way, or perhaps the company culture isn't aligned that way. In a perfect world they might. I'm identified with your story, because somehow, I recently being exposed as the bad guy, when a little task weren't done as the customer expectations, even though, there was some meetings and email to get to a middle ground with clear expectations of everyone's responsability. I did my part as requested, but they thought it was my responsibility to do it all. Is not the first time, I perform such a task and I persistently look for collaboration within the parts involved and people usually collaborate in major or minor way, but that isn't matter because they thought it was my duty expecifically, therefore a was given a well-intended destructive feedback, and the manager who did it, copied to the major staff of the company. Obviously, when that happens, my boss is going to slap me in the face, for two obvious reasons, he's job is on the line and now he got the pressure on his back, because of the awareness of the major staff. Today, no matter how good I performed in general (my last performance evaluation was of 104% on Jan 2008), this feedback marked me badly within the organization. This issue didn't affected production nor quality of the product, it was just an upgrade to their quality procedures. In other words, I placed something they didn't have for their use. The manager even gave the credit to other people for the job. That isn't a professional behavior, because it isn't constructive. I explained my discomfort to my manager, he still thinks it was my fault only, but you already know why. The morale of all this story is one, no matter what issues you may have with people not living as your expectations or you not performing as their expectations, you are compelled to behave professionally at all times. That is to be constructive in both ways, if they think you are bad guy, play by their rules and demonstrate a good attitude toward a customer satisfaction and if the case is they are not living to your expectations, then construct and guide them toward a better performance. Lead by example. I will do and I will finish stronger than ever, that's what professionals do. + 0 Votes Personally maecuff 6 years ago I think that the fact that you recognize that you have a problem is impressive. Most of the time, when people are abusive, or just plain jackasses, they don't know it. Or if they do, they won't admit it. Do you exercise? Take up Yoga. Work out every night. Get your aggression out that way. Not that it can take the place of therapy, but a hard work out can help alleviate stress and anxiety. How's your diet? A lot of junk, sugar and caffeine? you might want to take a look at that also. Maybe it's not just your mental outlook. Maybe you have unhealthy habits that contribute to your..well, less than sunny disposition. Good luck. I wish you well. + 0 Votes Who do you and your co-worker report to?? robo_dev 6 years ago You should inform your manager of the 'ball dropping' situation and delicately let him/her know about the situation. Be specific and use facts + documentation (not emotion, rumors, and your opinion). Offer to help fix the problem by picking up the ball. BUT, don't do anything unless your manager approves it. You need to document and CYA, not lay down in front of the train to try to save the day. What is under-performing co-worker learning from this? Nothing. If your manager has any sense at all, he/she will reward you for your dilligence, and work to develop the skills of the other employee, or find a replacement for them. Couple of show-stoppers: The manager is a ___hole, the manager is related to or sleeping with your co-worker (or both). Or if there is no trust relationship between you and this manager. "It's great to soar like an eagle, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines". + 0 Votes re-inserted myself in the project The Listed 'G MAN' 6 years ago Who asked you to do this? If you just decided this despite being told by your boss to hand the project off they will no doubt have the exact same problem with you, that you are having with others. + 0 Votes Been there, done that LocoLobo 6 years ago It's hard to let go sometimes. But sometimes you have to. Especially if the boss told you to. In your example, once you handed off the project it was no longer yours but your co-workers. Especially from your co-workers perspective. When you jump back into the project uninvited it is natural the co-worker feels threatened. What to do about it? First try to see it from the other persons perspective, coworker, boss, customer or whoever. Second, do you have interests outside of work? That involve people? If yes practice your social skills. Listen, observe and always think before talking. Don't feel too bad. We all "lose it" from time to time. My solution is to go for a walk when I lose my temper. Even if you can't do it at work you can after. It's amazing how much good a half hours walk can do! Good luck. + 0 Votes *I* too am the difficult co-worker Fregeus Updated - 6 years ago And I can speak from experience. I am a control freak and a perfectionnist, not a good combination, let me tell ya! But knowing is half the battle, and knowing and acknowledging that you have a problem is a big big step. You are half way home buddy!! I've read and agree with most replies you got from your initial post. Here is my take on it. You seem to, like me, be afraid of looking bad and having something come back and bite you in the a$$ later on. So much so, that you look at your co-workers work to make sure it does not affect you. That is an unfortunate and hazardous chain of thought. For myself, I started concentrating on the fact that I could only control myself, my thought, my work. Everything else is up in the air. I am not a religious man, but i started thinking zen where everything needs to be balanced in life. You need the good AND the bad. If you did not have the bad, you wouldn't know how to enjoy the good. Will something you did not do come back and bite you in the a$$? Absolutely, why? Because that's life. No matter how careful you try to be, something unexpected will pop up. So just try to control your own little world and keep your customers happy. If you know you do good work, thats all you need to concentrate on. BTW, when you transfered your project to your co-worker. Your co-worker became your customer. If he was happy with what you gave him, but screwed it up anyways, you still did a good job. If you see him/her heading in the wrong direction, you might suggest a course change, but ultimatly, he/she is still at the helm and you need to work on accepting that. Its not easy, I will admit it. I still have difficulties swallowing my pride and overcoming my pet peeves. But in the end, I have a better life for it. Good luck TCB Edited for grammar and typos + 0 Votes What helped me to change.... JamesRL 6 years ago Was taking the "Seven Habits Course". You could just read the book to see if you want to go further. The course is interactive, you get personal coaching, and probably the best things is the prework, which involves asking peers, subordinates and supervisors to fill in a questionaire about you, and doing one yourself and comparing them. I know it sounds like business buzzword speak, but trust me when I tell you it helped me a great deal. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Seven_Habits_of_Highly_Effective_People James + 0 Votes Have a few kids DMambo 6 years ago Now, I know that's a sarcastic remark, but what I'm really trying to convey is that it's often a matter of the 4 P's - Patience, Priorities, Perception and Focus (round off the front of the F). Once I had kids (15 years ago to start), I realized that I had to turn my life over to suppressing a lot of my desires to their needs. I learned that I often had to wait for the "me" time. Work life often took a back seat. Priorities come into play when you learn that there are only a finite number of irons you can have in the fire. Do what you can, but don't allow others' behavior affect the things you can control. Try to view yourself from the perspective of your coworkers. Listen to what comes out of your mouth and think how it impacts others. Finally, focus on the good points before concentrating on what needs to be fixed. It'll help you to remember that it could be worse. It took a healthy dose of dope slaps before I got off the ****-em-off express, but look at me now! + 0 Votes Praise in public, criticise in private, and always begin in a positive way. Locrian_Lyric 6 years ago 1)Use your high expectations as a method of motivation. Instead of "I expect this", try "I know you can do this". The expectations are the same, but it comes accross two entirely different ways: The former is demanding, the latter is acknowledging someone's skill. 2)Let the ball drop occasionally. Believe me, a person learns far more from a good screwup than from someone rushing in to save the day. Don't insert yourself into things, but ask your coworkers if they need help. 3)When you must correct people, do it indirectly and put the onus on yourself. "Hi Joe, listen, I was just looking at this and I am getting different numbers. Could you run over this with me?" Joe will likely then see his mistake, but you've let him save face. 4)Follow the 24 hour rule: If something makes you angry, wait 24 hours before sending an email or talking to someone about it. This is CRUCIAL if you have a short fuse as you are likely to say things you don't mean or will regret. 5)Practice with a tape recorder. If you are sounding sarcastic and don't mean to be, record your voice and listen to how you sound to others. You may be suprised. You may also wish to practice facial expressions in a mirror. + 0 Votes One Last Question e1roy1 6 years ago Thanks to everyone for such constructive feedback. I have a much better idea of how to deal with these situations and it makes me feel better to know others have dealt with it in the past. I have one more question that is really just for my enjoyment.....does it make any difference that I am female?