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It's now 2 minutes into Friday here. It's YUK TIME'

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Locked

It's now 2 minutes into Friday here. It's YUK TIME'

sleepin'dawg
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the
The meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms :
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations


I became confused about the word "service." This is
not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of
them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.

BAM! It all fell into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies
are doing to us.

I hope now you are as enlightened as I am.

Dawg ]:)
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    sleepin'dawg

    A handy guide for men, PMS Stands For 13 Things:

    1. Pass My Shotgun
    2. Psychotic Mood Shift
    3. Perpetual Munching Spree
    4. Puffy Mid-Section
    5. People Make me Sick
    6. Provide Me with Sweets
    7. Pardon My Sobbing
    8. Pimples May Surface
    9. Pass My Sweat pants
    10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
    11. Plainly; Men Suck
    12. Pack My Stuff
    and...
    13. Potential Murder Suspect

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    OnTheRopes

    Putting up with Mens Shlt!<br><br>
    I don't argue with her about it.

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    OnTheRopes

    Well... Maybe just a 40 ouncer. <br>

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    OnTheRopes

    <img src="http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/FP0001381.jpg" border="0" </a>

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    sleepin'dawg

    What Happens in Vegas...

    After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned
    the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady;
    can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ***?"
    "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

    Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice
    lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away
    up to my room?"

    When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table
    and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

    "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just
    did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in
    Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a
    piece uh *** for mah drink."

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    Steffi28

    Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
    "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

    "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

    "I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

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    Steffi28

    1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

    2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

    3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

    4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

    5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

    6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

    7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

    8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

    9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

    10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

    11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

    12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

    13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.

    14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmers that it was good.

    15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

    16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

    17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.

    18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

    19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

    ---------------------------------------------

    If IBM made toasters...
    They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting.
    IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

    If Xerox made toasters...
    You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
    The toaster would jam your bread for you.

    If Radio Shack made toasters...
    The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it.
    Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

    If Oracle made toasters...
    They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

    If Sun made toasters...
    The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

    Does DEC still make toasters?...
    They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

    If Tandem made toasters...
    You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

    If Thinking Machines made toasters...
    You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

    If Cray made toasters...
    They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

    If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
    It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

    If the NSA made toasters...
    Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

    If Sony made toasters...
    The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

    If Timex made toasters...
    They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

    If Fisher Price made toasters...
    "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

    If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
    Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

    If CostCo made toasters...
    They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

    If Microsoft made toasters...
    Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

    If Apple made toasters...
    It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

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    Shellbot

    Until the day he would send his only son LINUX to save the Users and Programmers from their folly, and LINUX would build the Church of Free Software, which for a small consulting fee would offer salvation
    and freedom from WINDOWS.

    But Bill was smarter, and created the TCO, which the heretical Redmondites used to comdemn LINUX and tear down his church of Free Software

    And the Redmondites, under Steve, rejoiced and gave thanks to Bill.
    And soon it came to pass that even God saw that WINDOWS was cheaper, and installed it in Data Center, and made Bill CEO.
    And Bill had a revelation, and he introduced all of the people, Redmondites, Programmers and Users alike to his
    new dream, a startling new Vista that was to change the landscape forever.
    And Bill foresaw that one day the Penguin would lie down with the Paperclip, and all would be at peace.
    And so it was that the Vista was installed in Data Center, and all was still, for ever and ever and ever...

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    Steffi28

    a happy ending eh? :)

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    Shellbot

    if the Penguin and the Paperclip mated??

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    NickNielsen Moderator

    but I have a sneaking suspicion that recessives would come to the fore. The result would probably be extremely difficult to work with and not work at all.

    Either that or it would be black and hard.

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    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Against Cross Species Mating so the Penguin and the Paper Clip couldn't manage to produce any Off Spring. Or it bounced away never to be seen again.

    Col ]:)

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    Absolutely

    And God struck down Paperclip, and relegated Penguin to obscurity among the Users as punishment for their ABOMINATION! And all their offspring were non-viable, and required "emulators" for their very existence.

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    Steffi28

    1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

    2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

    3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

    4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

    5. See 3.

    6. See 4.

    7. See 5.

    8. See 6.

    9. See 7.

    10. See 8.

    11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

    12. Users find 137 new bugs.

    13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

    14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

    15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

    16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

    17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

    18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. ----

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    Steffi28

    The top 15 things overheard at geek convention COMDEX

    15. "Oh, come on -- Kirk can beat Picard's *** any day of the week!"

    14. "Empty the trash cans, someone's lost another retainer!"

    13. "I'm sorry, Mr. Gates -- this is a $10 minimum table, the $5 minimum tables are over there."

    12. "No, sir, we can't accept Apple stock to cover your gambling debts."

    11. "Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!"

    10. "Free pocket protectors at booth 183! Pass it on!"

    9. "Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can split that dollar tip nine ways."

    8. "Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay - but I liked 'Virtual Monique' better."

    7. "...so Dilbert says to Wally..."

    6. "My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he'd take away my Nintendo."

    5. "...and *I* said, 'That's no hexadecimal assembly code, that's my self-modulating subroutine.' But seriously, folks..."

    4. "I don't care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21."

    3. "Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk -- Your mother wants to know what time you'll be home for dinner..."

    2. "They call this a breakfast buffet? Where's the Jolt Cola and Doritos?"

    and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at COMDEX...

    1."Hey -- where are all the chicks??"

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    Steffi28

    Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

    Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

    All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

    She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

    "Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

    Then POOF! .. she was gone!

    After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

    Henry yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows."

    Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

    ---------------------------------------------

    A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

    "Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

    "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

    "Really? Great! Show me!"

    So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

    "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

    "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

    "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

    "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

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    Steffi28

    Remembet the TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer the one that uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from the Mozart's Requiem.

    "Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which means, "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of ****."

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    TonytheTiger

    I've always thought that was a copy error.

    It should have been "Where do you want ME to go today?" :)

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    Steffi28

    It's not safe to read the news anymore. One minute you're enjoying a nice beverage at your computer, the next moment you're spewing liquid all over your monitor and keyboard after reading the latest ridiculous and hypocritical motion from The SCO Group.

    The problem is called IBEE (Involuntary Beverage Explosion Event) and it strikes an estimated 1,650 keyboards each day, often requiring immediate replacement. With SCO becoming increasingly desperate, the number of such incidents worldwide has increased nearly 35% since this time last year, providing an unexpected lift for keyboard manufacturers.

    "Business has never been better," said the CEO of Ctrl-Alt-Delete Manufacturing Co. "Before, almost nobody bought a standalone keyboard in a store; they just came bundled with new computers. But now we're having trouble keeping up with demand."

    Some corporate IT departments, sick of seeing coffee stains everywhere, have pushed for bans against beverages at workstations. "We fully realize that restricting coffee consumption will likely cause a serious reduction in productivity," explained the CTO at Proactive Synergy Paradigms, Inc. "But we can't afford to keep replacing keyboards like this!"

    Other workplaces are providing special training to encourage safer beverage consumption. At Google's World Headquarters Complex, signs remind employees to "Don't Spew Your Brew" and "Down The Throat It Goes, Not Through The Nose."

    "People like to multitask, but you shouldn't gulp and read at the same time," said a Google manager. "It's just too dangerous. I should know -- one time I made the mistake of drinking a soda and reading a SCO press release at the same time. I laughed so hard that soda streamed through my nose, and now my sinuses have never (sniffle) been the same."

    Even among people that don't drink at the computer, reading the news can still prove dangerous. Take Lowell Rotfuller, who dislocated his left knee while rolling on the floor laughing at yet another hilarious SCO motion.

    "One of these days, somebody is going to die laughing at SCO. I know I'm going to be a lot more careful when I visit Groklaw in the future."

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    Steffi28

    http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Mac_Boom

    Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-A-Sketch?

    A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.

    Q: What's the difference between a PC and an Abacus?
    A: It's doesn't take 20 minutes to boot the Abacus.

    Q: What's the best way to accelerate a PC?
    A: Drop it off a tall building.

    Q: Why don't NASA use PCs?
    A: They don't need to do crash tests.

    Q: What is the difference between a Mac User and a Terrorist?
    A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

    Q: What do Mac Users use for birth control?
    A: Their personalities!

    Q: Why aren't more Mac owners computer literate?
    A: They would be, if they had a computer.

    Q: How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four. One to consult the manual that came with it, one to call tech-support, and two to sit and wait for the 'Smiley Face' to appear and say 'Welcome to Macintosh'.

    Q: How many Mac users does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Mac Fanboys Answer: That's not funny.

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    sleepin'dawg

    A handy guide for men, PMS Stands For 13 Things:

    1. Pass My Shotgun
    2. Psychotic Mood Shift
    3. Perpetual Munching Spree
    4. Puffy Mid-Section
    5. People Make me Sick
    6. Provide Me with Sweets
    7. Pardon My Sobbing
    8. Pimples May Surface
    9. Pass My Sweat pants
    10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
    11. Plainly; Men Suck
    12. Pack My Stuff
    and...
    13. Potential Murder Suspect

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    OnTheRopes

    Putting up with Mens Shlt!<br><br>
    I don't argue with her about it.

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    OnTheRopes

    Well... Maybe just a 40 ouncer. <br>

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    OnTheRopes

    <img src="http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/FP0001381.jpg" border="0" </a>

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    sleepin'dawg

    What Happens in Vegas...

    After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned
    the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady;
    can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ***?"
    "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

    Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice
    lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away
    up to my room?"

    When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table
    and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

    "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just
    did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in
    Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a
    piece uh *** for mah drink."

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    Steffi28

    Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
    "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

    "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

    "I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

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    Steffi28

    1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

    2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

    3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

    4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

    5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

    6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

    7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

    8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

    9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

    10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

    11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

    12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

    13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.

    14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmers that it was good.

    15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

    16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

    17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.

    18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

    19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

    ---------------------------------------------

    If IBM made toasters...
    They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting.
    IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

    If Xerox made toasters...
    You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
    The toaster would jam your bread for you.

    If Radio Shack made toasters...
    The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it.
    Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

    If Oracle made toasters...
    They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

    If Sun made toasters...
    The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

    Does DEC still make toasters?...
    They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

    If Tandem made toasters...
    You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

    If Thinking Machines made toasters...
    You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

    If Cray made toasters...
    They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

    If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
    It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

    If the NSA made toasters...
    Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

    If Sony made toasters...
    The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

    If Timex made toasters...
    They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

    If Fisher Price made toasters...
    "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

    If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
    Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

    If CostCo made toasters...
    They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

    If Microsoft made toasters...
    Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

    If Apple made toasters...
    It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

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    Shellbot

    Until the day he would send his only son LINUX to save the Users and Programmers from their folly, and LINUX would build the Church of Free Software, which for a small consulting fee would offer salvation
    and freedom from WINDOWS.

    But Bill was smarter, and created the TCO, which the heretical Redmondites used to comdemn LINUX and tear down his church of Free Software

    And the Redmondites, under Steve, rejoiced and gave thanks to Bill.
    And soon it came to pass that even God saw that WINDOWS was cheaper, and installed it in Data Center, and made Bill CEO.
    And Bill had a revelation, and he introduced all of the people, Redmondites, Programmers and Users alike to his
    new dream, a startling new Vista that was to change the landscape forever.
    And Bill foresaw that one day the Penguin would lie down with the Paperclip, and all would be at peace.
    And so it was that the Vista was installed in Data Center, and all was still, for ever and ever and ever...

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    Steffi28

    a happy ending eh? :)

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    Shellbot

    if the Penguin and the Paperclip mated??

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    NickNielsen Moderator

    but I have a sneaking suspicion that recessives would come to the fore. The result would probably be extremely difficult to work with and not work at all.

    Either that or it would be black and hard.

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    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Against Cross Species Mating so the Penguin and the Paper Clip couldn't manage to produce any Off Spring. Or it bounced away never to be seen again.

    Col ]:)

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    Absolutely

    And God struck down Paperclip, and relegated Penguin to obscurity among the Users as punishment for their ABOMINATION! And all their offspring were non-viable, and required "emulators" for their very existence.

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    Steffi28

    1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

    2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

    3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

    4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

    5. See 3.

    6. See 4.

    7. See 5.

    8. See 6.

    9. See 7.

    10. See 8.

    11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

    12. Users find 137 new bugs.

    13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

    14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

    15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

    16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

    17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

    18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. ----

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    Steffi28

    The top 15 things overheard at geek convention COMDEX

    15. "Oh, come on -- Kirk can beat Picard's *** any day of the week!"

    14. "Empty the trash cans, someone's lost another retainer!"

    13. "I'm sorry, Mr. Gates -- this is a $10 minimum table, the $5 minimum tables are over there."

    12. "No, sir, we can't accept Apple stock to cover your gambling debts."

    11. "Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!"

    10. "Free pocket protectors at booth 183! Pass it on!"

    9. "Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can split that dollar tip nine ways."

    8. "Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay - but I liked 'Virtual Monique' better."

    7. "...so Dilbert says to Wally..."

    6. "My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he'd take away my Nintendo."

    5. "...and *I* said, 'That's no hexadecimal assembly code, that's my self-modulating subroutine.' But seriously, folks..."

    4. "I don't care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21."

    3. "Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk -- Your mother wants to know what time you'll be home for dinner..."

    2. "They call this a breakfast buffet? Where's the Jolt Cola and Doritos?"

    and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at COMDEX...

    1."Hey -- where are all the chicks??"

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    Steffi28

    Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

    Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

    All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

    She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

    "Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

    Then POOF! .. she was gone!

    After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

    Henry yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows."

    Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

    ---------------------------------------------

    A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

    "Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

    "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

    "Really? Great! Show me!"

    So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

    "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

    "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

    "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

    "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

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    Steffi28

    Remembet the TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer the one that uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from the Mozart's Requiem.

    "Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which means, "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of ****."

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    TonytheTiger

    I've always thought that was a copy error.

    It should have been "Where do you want ME to go today?" :)

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    Steffi28

    It's not safe to read the news anymore. One minute you're enjoying a nice beverage at your computer, the next moment you're spewing liquid all over your monitor and keyboard after reading the latest ridiculous and hypocritical motion from The SCO Group.

    The problem is called IBEE (Involuntary Beverage Explosion Event) and it strikes an estimated 1,650 keyboards each day, often requiring immediate replacement. With SCO becoming increasingly desperate, the number of such incidents worldwide has increased nearly 35% since this time last year, providing an unexpected lift for keyboard manufacturers.

    "Business has never been better," said the CEO of Ctrl-Alt-Delete Manufacturing Co. "Before, almost nobody bought a standalone keyboard in a store; they just came bundled with new computers. But now we're having trouble keeping up with demand."

    Some corporate IT departments, sick of seeing coffee stains everywhere, have pushed for bans against beverages at workstations. "We fully realize that restricting coffee consumption will likely cause a serious reduction in productivity," explained the CTO at Proactive Synergy Paradigms, Inc. "But we can't afford to keep replacing keyboards like this!"

    Other workplaces are providing special training to encourage safer beverage consumption. At Google's World Headquarters Complex, signs remind employees to "Don't Spew Your Brew" and "Down The Throat It Goes, Not Through The Nose."

    "People like to multitask, but you shouldn't gulp and read at the same time," said a Google manager. "It's just too dangerous. I should know -- one time I made the mistake of drinking a soda and reading a SCO press release at the same time. I laughed so hard that soda streamed through my nose, and now my sinuses have never (sniffle) been the same."

    Even among people that don't drink at the computer, reading the news can still prove dangerous. Take Lowell Rotfuller, who dislocated his left knee while rolling on the floor laughing at yet another hilarious SCO motion.

    "One of these days, somebody is going to die laughing at SCO. I know I'm going to be a lot more careful when I visit Groklaw in the future."

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    Steffi28

    http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Mac_Boom

    Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-A-Sketch?

    A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.

    Q: What's the difference between a PC and an Abacus?
    A: It's doesn't take 20 minutes to boot the Abacus.

    Q: What's the best way to accelerate a PC?
    A: Drop it off a tall building.

    Q: Why don't NASA use PCs?
    A: They don't need to do crash tests.

    Q: What is the difference between a Mac User and a Terrorist?
    A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

    Q: What do Mac Users use for birth control?
    A: Their personalities!

    Q: Why aren't more Mac owners computer literate?
    A: They would be, if they had a computer.

    Q: How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four. One to consult the manual that came with it, one to call tech-support, and two to sit and wait for the 'Smiley Face' to appear and say 'Welcome to Macintosh'.

    Q: How many Mac users does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Mac Fanboys Answer: That's not funny.