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  • #2257433

    SUPER Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by now left tr ·

    Was not really sure where the Friday Yuk was going. After last week & not wanting to take anything away from neilb’s version I decided to create my own:

    So…

    An atom walks into a bar, gets wasted. As he’s leaving, he slaps his pockets and says, “Darn, I’ve lost an electron”.

    The bartender said “Are you sure?”

    So the atom says, “I’m positive.”

    *********
    A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “OK, I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything

    ********
    These people canceled out your vote
    While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.” And then she voted.

    ——————————————————————————–

    I used to work in technical support for a 24×7 call center. One day I got a call from an InDUHvidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Pacific..” And then he voted.

    ——————————————————————————–

    So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.” And then she voted.

    ——————————————————————————–

    I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldier’s chests. One InDUHvidual in the class spoke up and said, “Well that’s stupid! Why don’t they just wear headphones?” And a few years later, he voted.

    ——————————————————————————–

    My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It’s designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. And then she voted.

    ——————————————————————————–

    My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. And then they all voted.

    ——————————————————————————–

    I was hanging out with a real liberal friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I had to explain to her that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. And then she voted.

    ——————————————————————————–

    I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?” And then she voted

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #3215402

      I could, if I wanted

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to SUPER Friday Yuk

      Start a whinging thread about Yuk hijacking as someone (who [b]could[/b] that be?) did last week or, in my present mood, I could use Israeli tactics and bomb the crap out of the culprit (who [b]could[/b] that be?) but I have foresworn violence or even the involvement in violent threads for the rest of the day.

      Shaky ground, TM. Shaky ground…

      😀

      • #3215356

        Hey, in my defense (defence for UK)

        by old guy ·

        In reply to I could, if I wanted

        I waited about 3 hours to see where his System Admin Day Friday Yuk was going since it appeared to be specifically for System Admin Day and it wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t REALLY hijack his Friday Yuk I just started a regular one for anything. And, I did explain that in my opening statement that day. Man, why is everybody always pickin’ on me…

        So sue me! ( 🙂 )

        • #3215352

          I’m just joshing TechMail

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Hey, in my defense (defence for UK)

          I’ve got no problems at all with your heinous crime of thread hijack, you know no better. :p

          My problem is with TechMail going to all of the trouble to create a whinging thread about you and then do the same!

          😀

          Live longer and continue to prosper, Old Guy…

        • #3215345

          Well, you know with

          by old guy ·

          In reply to I’m just joshing TechMail

          this sometimers it’s easy to “forget” things–such as immature comments and tantrums as might have happened last week–that is, if I remember that correctly. :^0

          Thanks, Neil.

        • #3215301

          I waited a whole week

          by now left tr ·

          In reply to Well, you know with

          for this. I even changed my avatar to a gravestone.

          So belated apologies. I Did not have the best Friday / last weekend (Water + Servers = ) hence the mood and stone 🙂

          RIP those 7 servers.

        • #3215289

          I would let it go..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Well, you know with

          but apparently, I am ‘bitter’, so it’s difficult for me..

          (How’s THAT for being a whiny a$$ t1tty baby?)

        • #3215276

          Bitter

          by now left tr ·

          In reply to I would let it go..

          Who told you that then?

          Personally outside TR – I go down well (so I’m told).

          Take this as you will.

        • #3215272

          If

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Bitter

          I rearrange all the words in your post, will they make sense then?

        • #3215267

          Mae, even you

          by old guy ·

          In reply to Bitter

          can’t translate the true Idiotesia and Moronovia speak. 🙂

        • #3215251

          bitter Mae?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I would let it go..

          Try some flavored love lotions! 😀 That should take care of the taste!

          That or some tequila shots!

          😡

        • #3215142

          JD

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to bitter Mae?

          I commented to a series of his posts, he in turn changed the content of HIS posts, which made it appear that I was slamming everyone at TR. I responded by calling him a tool..hence..I am bitter. 🙂

          http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=96&threadID=198760&messageID=2070376

          Love potions? It’s Friday, a few shots of tequila will have to serve two purposes..

        • #3214849

          must have been thinking along the witch line Mae?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to bitter Mae?

          I never said potions…… :0

          Hope the tequila went well! Just got back from an all day round of golf with the boys and all is right with the world!

          Besides, everyone knows you only call stupid people stupid when they are being stupid! Sounds fair to me! 😡

        • #3213694

          Friday night

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to bitter Mae?

          was very nice..Saturday was fun, too. Sunday? I started getting sick, some sort of stomach thing. I made it in to work today, but I don’t think I’ll be here long..I feel crummy.

          Can’t complain though, it WAS a good weekend..

        • #3213689

          Mae-

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to bitter Mae?

          Get some candied ginger and go home. This is the second time in like two or three weeks that you have had stomach unhappiness.

          You work too hard, girl. Don’t do that anymore.

          Get well!

        • #3213688

          T2

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to bitter Mae?

          I know. I don’t usually get sick like this. Sinus infections? Sure, all winter long. I never have stomach issues, I just assumed it was lined with cast iron. If it was, I think it’s starting to rust..

        • #3213668

          Mae

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to bitter Mae?

          was about to make the same observation, but Tig beat me to it – you just got a liking for tummy bugs lately, or have you changed something in your diet?

          GG

          (Yes, I know I still owe you a pm – hopefully this afternoon!!!)

        • #3213646

          Mae

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to bitter Mae?

          Listen to Tig. Don’t kill yourself for a employer, and SURELY not for one that has a questionable future?

          Delegate! That is what the good bosses do! 😀

          Hope your feeling better.

          I go in the end of the week. Got a letter from my doc that there was something in my tests that they want to follow up on, from back in May when I got sick and was in the hospital. He didn’t say what it was. Now I get to think about THAT all week. Really not looking forward to it, and he already said it will include more blood work. Damn vampire……

        • #3213640

          I dunno

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to bitter Mae?

          what it is. Had a bit of a fever last night, so it’s probably a bug of some sort. I’m going home. I’m going to go home, read my book and watch bad movies.

          JD – Don’t worry until you hear what they have to say. But keep us posted.

    • #3215384

      Wisdom and life of Groucho Marx

      by critch ·

      In reply to SUPER Friday Yuk

      Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

      There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

      Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

      Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

      If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

      I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

      I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

      It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

      Hello, I must be going.

      Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

      Women should be obscene and not heard.

      Time wounds all heels.

      Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

      Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

      As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

      Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

      Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

      How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them.

      Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

      Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

      I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

      I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

      Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

      Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

      I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can’t see the stove!

      I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

      Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

      I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

      Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

      The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

      Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

      She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

      I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

      Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did.

      Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

      Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

      We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. . . But we’re going back next week.

      Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

      A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

      I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

      I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

      Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

      How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them.

      Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

      Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

      We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

      Someone: “I would like to say goodby to your wife”. Groucho: “Me too”.

      If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don’t come running to me.

      I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

      I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

      Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

      Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

      To Margret Dumont: “I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can’t see the stove!

      I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

      Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

      I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

      Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

      It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

      There is only one way to find out if a man is honest…ask him. If he says ‘yes’, you know he is crooked.
      The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
      Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
      Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
      I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse
      Go, and never darken my towels again.

      She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

      Time wounds all heels.

      Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

      My mother loved children … she would have given anything if I had been one.

      Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

      A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

      No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

      There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.

      I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

      I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

      “Seven? That many?” She blushed, and said, “Well, I love my husband.”

      Groucho came back with, “I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while.”

      Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did.

      Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.

      The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

      Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

      Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

      This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy..and I bet he was glad to get rid of it

      Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
      Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

      We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. . . But we’re going back next week.

      It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

      Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

      Women should be obscene, and not heard.

      In a restaurant to a waitress: “Do you have frogs legs or do you always walk like that….

      From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

      A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

      The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

      Outside of a dog a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s to dark to read.

      Hello I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

      Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that alps themselves.

      Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

      Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?

      She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.

      In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

      “Call me a cab!” Groucho replies, “OK, you’re a cab.”

      I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.

      I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

      How would you like to feel the way she looks ?

      My mother treated us all equally … with contempt.

      Someone: “The garbage men are here” Groucho: “Tell them we don’t want any”.

      Follow me men. Never mind men – just the women.

      I like my women warm and my champagne cold.

      Blood’s not thicker than money.I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.

      Room service? Send up a larger room

      When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said “I was just whispering in her mouth”

      I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury

      Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

      I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

      There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!

      You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.

      Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

      Man: “I would like to say goodby to your wife”. Groucho: “Me too”.

      The last time I saw legs like that was on a billiard table.

      We give em a seventy-five cent meal that’ll knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want.

      I drink to make people interesting.

      I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but found it too unwieldy.

      If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

      I’ll never forget my wedding day..they threw vitamin pills.

      I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.

      I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago…I shot my broker.

    • #3215378

      uck walks into a bar…

      by critch ·

      In reply to SUPER Friday Yuk

      Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, “Hey, you’re a duck”
      “Nothing wrong with your eyesight,” observes the duck.
      “Yeah, but I mean – you can TALK” says the barman.
      “Guess your ears are fine, too,” answers the duck. “Now, can I have a beer please.” Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he’s doing in the area.
      “Oh,” says the duck. “I work on the building site over there. We’ll be here for a couple of weeks, and I’ll be in each lunchtime for a pint.”
      And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. “You should get it into your circus,” he says.
      “Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I’ll speak to him about it.”
      Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.
      Barman says: “You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He’s very interested in you.”
      “Really?” says the duck.
      “Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily.”
      “Hang on,” said the duck. “You did say a CIRCUS, didn’t you?”
      “That’s right.”
      “That’s one of those tent things, isn’t it? With a big pole in the middle?”
      “Yeah!”
      “That’s canvas, isn’t it?” said the duck.
      “Of course,” replied the barman, “I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner’s dead keen.”
      The duck looked very puzzled.
      “What the flip would he want with a plasterer?”

      • #3215371

        jeesh, I can’t even spell Duck …

        by critch ·

        In reply to uck walks into a bar…

        need coffee

        • #3215336

          Well, at least

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to jeesh, I can’t even spell Duck …

          no one told you to duck off? 😀

        • #3215333

          true

          by critch ·

          In reply to Well, at least

          I ducked that one….

        • #3215325

          lucky indeed

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to true

          after ducking that one up, you ducked the aftermath! :0

        • #3215291

          Luck escape, off you go

          by now left tr ·

          In reply to true

          and cound your…er…chickens.

          Damit! 🙂

    • #3215306

      Cool, but the atom joke

      by vanessaj ·

      In reply to SUPER Friday Yuk

      I heard on the John Tesh radio show two weeks ago, and all the rest is from the Blue Collar Comedy guys aren’t they? I heard them about a month or so ago. Somehow it’s not so funny if you’ve heard it all just recently. Let me know if you think of anything no one might have heard. I’m scratching my head trying to remember some more obscure ones, but coming up dry right now.

    • #3215298

      Bill Gates Retirement Video

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to SUPER Friday Yuk

      Equal time for the SUPER Friday Yuk! 🙂

      This has been around a while but I found out about it yesterday. Very funny!

      Bill Gates Retirement Video – on Letterman
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_o9isZY5h0&search=Letterman%20on%20Bill%20Gates

      • #3280939

        I am a bit late into this thread, but TY for the link

        by kiltie ·

        In reply to Bill Gates Retirement Video

        It led to other interesting links on YouTube about Bill and M$.

        One interesting and amusing one, was this:

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBBx6T_Rp2I&NR

        Obviously, the guy composing it had an agenda, but it is a good composition, with some nice presentation touches. Interesting to note that the clip you quoted is a subset included here, that has a fuller one, not so “edited” by M$, although it may have been presented so as to fit this guys agenda, I found it refreshing to see the bits that have been removed.

        It also contains the famous “custard pie” incident in a fuller coverage than I have seen before.

        It puzzled me, for a while, with all the Apple MAC references, until I saw the email addy at the end.

        It is over 9 mins long, so grab a beer/coffee or whatever and try and watch it with an impartial eye.

    • #3215295

      The Energy Efficiency Expert

      by now left tr ·

      In reply to SUPER Friday Yuk

      A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
      The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?”
      The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant… He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”
      The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”
      The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my privates. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”
      “Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your personals back in your pants?”
      “Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

    • #3213662

      School system…

      by gilsbugs ·

      In reply to SUPER Friday Yuk

      I hold our government responsible for the ignorant and/or stupid kids they allow to graduate. When you have the DoD spend $73mil/per plane–the marine troop transport that you would hear of ANOTHER crash. It didn’t meet the criteria that they wanted but bought anyway.
      Let’s see…if spent on education, these smart people wouldn’t stand for such waste.
      A little fertilizer (fast food,latest candy bar),keep in the dark (tv,video games at the earliests stages of learning),do not disturb—NEW VOTERS!!!
      Why didn’t you buy TEN cases….

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