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  • #2157616

    Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

    Locked

    by older mycroft ·

    [u][b]Chicken Surprise[/u][/b]

    A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’, the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

    Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

    ‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

    Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

    ‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’

    The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’

    ………

    ……..

    …….

    ……

    …..

    ….

    ..

    .

    .

    .

    ‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck! :^0

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #2749113

      Doesn’t anybody screen these posts?

      by charliespencer ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      We’ve got to start a membership review committee.

      • #2749109

        You’re just upset being a year older! :^0

        by older mycroft ·

        In reply to Doesn’t anybody screen these posts?

        :^0

      • #2749079

        I laughed…

        by cmiller5400 ·

        In reply to Doesn’t anybody screen these posts?

        Yet it is early in the am and my “humor meter” is not started yet… ;\

      • #2748836

        HAPPY B-DAY PALMIE!!!

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Doesn’t anybody screen these posts?

        Q: What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
        A: I don’t know, but you’d better hope he likes it!

        It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”. That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

        What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays

        A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

        Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

        Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
        A. Stone Age!

        Q. What goes up and never comes down?
        A. Your age!

        Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
        A. Musical Hares!

        Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
        A. Thanks. I’ll never part with it!

        Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

        The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

        A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she’s going to exchange it for.

        The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball

        Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. – Jennifer Yane

        A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. – Robert Frost

        Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

        A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!

        You were born an original. Don’t die a copy. – John Mason

        Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
        Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn’t you?
        Fred: I couldn’t find one big enough for your nose.

        Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
        It certainly is! If I wasn’t 99 I’d be dead.

    • #2749112

      Tommy Cooper

      by bizzo ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Some old ones

      “Cor it’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and
      go ‘Aaaaaaagghhhh!’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same
      thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”

      “He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs
      and put it in a library.’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.”

      “And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
      chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said
      ‘Yes, this is mylivelihood.’

      “So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give
      me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go
      for it.'”

      “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
      left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that
      was nice.”

      “So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an
      ice-cream’. He said Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with
      one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount
      of freedom in these trousers, yes.’

      I went to Millets and said ‘I want to buy a tent.’
      He said ‘To camp?’
      I said [butchly] ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent’
      I said ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’
      He said ‘Camper?’
      I said [campily] ‘Make your mind up.’

      So I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My
      dog’s died.'”

      “Now, most dentist’s chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in
      went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual’. And the dentist
      said to me ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'”

      “So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
      ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”

      “So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local
      swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”

      “So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my
      house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

      “Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
      people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or
      my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But
      I think it’s Colin.”

      “So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
      he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a
      second time and said “You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again.
      He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’And I went
      into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’
      And I said ‘I careered off the road.’

      Just like that…….

    • #2749091

      some short ones

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Good: Your wife is pregnant.
      Bad: She is expecting triplets.
      Very bad: You were sterilized five years ago.

      ———————————————

      Good: Your wife doesn’t talk to you.
      Bad: She wants divorce.
      Very bad: She is a lawyer.

      ———————————————

      Good: Your son is growing up.
      Bad: He has a relationship with a whore from the neighborhood.
      Very bad: Just like you.

      ———————————————

      Good: You are explaining to your daughter about birds and bees.
      Bad: She interrupts you.
      Very bad: And corrects you.

      ———————————————

      Good: Your son has a serious relationship.
      Bad: The relationship is with a man.
      Very bad: With your best friend.

      Have a great weekend 🙂

    • #2749064

      Top Tips

      by bizzo ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

      X File fans – create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place, having had your memory “mysteriously” erased.

      A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

      Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curacao, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of “oomph”.

      Whilst in bed, protect yourself from werewolves and vampires by hiding under the covers.

      Foil pick-pockets by placing a freshly toasted “Pop Tart” in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

      Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.

      A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal “car” for snakes.

      Can’t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of Clingfilm and press them into your eyes.

      Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

      Cyclists – next time you’re out on your bike, take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tyre, this will help you locate any punctures you may have.

      Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

      Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else’s house.

      Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape on your Walkman the next time you make love. That way, you can have s3x without waking her up.

      Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

      Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

      Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

      Save time when crossing a one way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

      Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you’ll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

      Cyclists – why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them.

      Thicken up runny low fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

      Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.

      Anorexics – when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

      Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

      Office workers – avoid distraction from your important paperwork by making “blinkers” out of two post-it note stickers, one stuck to each temple.

      Hijackers – avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

      Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a power cut.

      Play “Indiana Jones” with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball.

      Always fart into the rings on your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.

      Play “Moth Aircraft Carriers” by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.

      Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini “High Chaparral” style branding irons.

      An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

      Weight watchers – avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the fridge or cupboard by not buying the thing in the first place.

      Dyslexics – try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way you at least have a chance of spelling them correctly.

      Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

      If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour some boiling water down it’s throat, and hey presto, the blockage is cleared.

      Housewives – when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

      Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

      Keep the seat next to you on the train by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

      Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hand under tables and inside light-shades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

      Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching on all their lights when their guide dog isn’t looking.

      Make your girlfriend cry when you’re having s3x by phoning her up and telling her.

      Girls – too old to go on an 18-30 holiday? Simply get p1ssed, lie in a sand pit in your front garden and sh4g every bloke that looks at you over the fence.

      People whose surname is Toblerone should always take an empty “Toblerone” chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

      International master criminals – tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

      Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

      Don’t buy expensive ribbed condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

      Girls – next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don’t, because you can’t and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh or get hurt.

      Greengrocers – why throw away old, shrivelled, unsold fruit and veg? Simply label it “Organic Produce” and charge twice the usual price.

      When buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.

      Imagine you’re in London by simply sitting in your car with the engine running, occasionally honking your horn and never actually going anywhere.

      Bus drivers – raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in life by stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the opposite direction in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is particularly effective in rush hour traffic.

      Cheer loudly at 8pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the lottery.

      American organised crime leaders – upon capturing the ‘A’Team, do not under any circumstances, lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.

      Motorists – pressing your fog lights switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

      Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car-phone by holding an old TV or video remote control to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

      When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

      Don’t put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.

      Bomb disposal experts’ wives – keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

      Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

      Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.

      Re-spraying your car? Cover it with cling film first. If you don’t like the colour, simply peel it off and start again.

      Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

      Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

      Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

      Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to “fast wipe” whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

      Taxi drivers – why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicator lights for you so that other motorists will know where the f*ck you are going.

      • #2749048

        on that note

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to Top Tips

        tired of nicking your fingers while cutting veggies?
        get your friend to hold the veggies while you merrily chop away.

    • #2749062

      HAHAHAHA!

      by dumphrey ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Niiiice!.

      Two bums are in a park, drinking their lunch, when a dog strolls up, plops down and begins to lick its boy parts.

      The bums drink in silence for a few seconds, then Bum one looks over at bum two and says, “Heck I would love to do that too…”
      Bum two takes a thoughtful swig of wine then says, “Yeah, but you may want to ask him first.”

      A horse is standing at a fence eating some oats when a small dog runs up to it yipping and dancing in circles. The horse looks at it and says, “Whats wrong with you? Cant you see Im trying to eat?”
      The dog stops dead in its tracks and sqeaks, “Holy poop! A talking horse!”

    • #2748992

      Black and White

      by bizzo ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Barack Obama the worlds first black US president, Lewis Hamilton, the worlds first black forumla one champion, Will Smith the worlds highest paid actor, Tiger Woods, the worlds most successful golfer. How times change, it’s a real good time to be black, poor old Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

      • #2748802

        :^0

        by jiminpa ·

        In reply to Black and White

        That is so wrong and so funny at the same time…

    • #2748866

      Doublespeak

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      From the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak

      A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient’s chart: “Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential.”

      Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice fleas were called “hematophagous arthropod vectors.”

      The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds “have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel.” In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

      A reader reports that the Army calls them “vertically deployed anti-personnel devices.” You probably call them bombs.

      At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on “non-duty, non-pay status.” That is, they were fired.

      A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a “formerly single man” seeks a single or married woman.

      After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or “processing,” as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: “We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience.” The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don’t you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

      The description on the package of Stouffer’s Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains “exquisite egg pasta.” The list of ingredients, however, includes “cooked noodle product.”

      In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes “semi-antique” rugs.

      The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some “volunteer work” as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

      Senator Orrin Hatch said that “capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.”

      According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a “family farm.” Their “farm” has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a “family farm” they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.

      Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them “ground-mounted confirmatory route markers.” You probably call them road signs, but then you don’t work in a government agency.

      It’s not “elderly” or “senior citizens” anymore. Now it’s “chronologically experienced citizens.”

      According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn’t break off, it was just a case of “uncontained blade liberation.”

      When a Professional Bull Rider suffered three cracked vertebrae and a broken collar bone after having been bucked an enraged 1,800 pound animal, the medical authorities attributed his injuries to “aggravated bovine ejection.” No joke!

    • #2748864

      :D :D

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Love it! 😀

    • #2748862

      English 101

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .

      English is a hard language to learn. Consider the pronunciation of the
      following sentences:

      The bandage was wound around the wound.

      The farm was used to produce produce.

      The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

      We must polish the Polish furniture.

      He could lead if he would get the lead out.

      The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

      Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
      present the present.

      A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

      When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

      I did not object to the object.

      The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

      There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

      They were too close to the door to close it.

      The buck does funny things when the does are present.

      A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

      To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

      The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

      After a number of injections my jaw got number.

      Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

      I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

      How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    • #2748860

      English 102

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .

      Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
      There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
      in pineapple.

      English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.

      Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

      We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
      guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

      And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t
      groce and hammers don’t ham?

      If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?

      One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

      Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

      If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
      what do you call it?

      If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

      If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

      In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

      Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

      Have noses that run and feet that smell?

      How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
      wise guy are opposites?

      Your house can burn up as it burns down, you fill in a form by filling it
      out and an alarm goes off by going on.

      When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
      they are invisible.

      Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”

      Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?

      Why do we drive on a PARKWAY, and park in a DRIVEWAY?

    • #2748858

      English is a ‘Phunny’ language.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .
      English is a ‘Phunny’ language. Enjoy these:

      Cocktail lounge, Norway: “LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”
      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——

      At a Budapest zoo: “PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.”

      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——
      Doctors’ office, Rome: “SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.”

      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——

      Dry cleaners, Bangkok: “DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.”

      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——

      In a Nairobi restaurant: “CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”

      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——

      On an Indian river highway: “TAKE NOTICE – WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.”

      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——

      In a City restaurant: “OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.”

      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——

      A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: “DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.”

      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——

      In a cemetery: “PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY, BUT THEIR OWN, GRAVES.”

      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——
      Tokyo hotel’s rules ad regulations: “GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED.”

      ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ——

      On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.”

      In a Tokyo bar: “SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.”

      Hotel, Yugoslavia: “THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. ”

      Hotel, Japan: “YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. ”

      In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: “YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.”

      A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: “IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.”

      Hotel, Zurich: “BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.”

      Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: “WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?”

      In the window on a Swedish furrier: “FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.”

      The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: “GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.”

      In a Swiss mountain inn: “SPECIAL TODAY – NO ICE-CREAM.”

      Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: “WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.”

      A laundry in Rome: “LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.”

      This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

    • #2748855

      Esential Knowledge About the Origin of S.H.I.T.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .
      In keeping with my New Year’s resolution, I try to learn something
      new everyday. I thought I’d share one of my new found bits of
      knowledge with you that I found especially interesting.

      Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
      transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer’s
      invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

      It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
      when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
      heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by
      product is methane gas.
      As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
      could (and did) happen.

      Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
      came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

      Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
      just what was happening.

      After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
      “Ship High In Transit” on them, which meant for the sailors to stow
      it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into
      the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
      production of methane.

      Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T “, (Ship High In Transport) which has
      come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

      You probably did not know the true history of this word.

      Neither did I.

      I had always thought it was a golf term.

      • #2748850

        On Being an Evil Overlord

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Esential Knowledge About the Origin of S.H.I.T.

        .
        Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present…

        The Top 100 Things I’d Do
        If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

        My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

        My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

        My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

        Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

        The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

        I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.

        When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

        After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

        I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

        I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

        I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

        One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

        All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

        The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

        I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

        I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

        When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

        I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

        I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.

        Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

        I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

        No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

        I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

        I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

        No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

        No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

        I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

        My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

        I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

        All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

        All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

        I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

        I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

        I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

        I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

        I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

        If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.

        If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

        If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

        I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

        Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

        When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

        I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

        I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

        I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

        If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.

        If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

        I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

        If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

        My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

        If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

        I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

        If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.

        I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

        The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

        My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

        Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.

        If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

        I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

        My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

        If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

        I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

        Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

        I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

        If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

        My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

        No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

        I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.

        All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

        When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

        If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

        If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

        I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

        When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.

        I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

        If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

        If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

        I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”

        If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

        If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

        If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

        I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

        If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

        I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

        I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”

        I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

        My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

        If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

        After I captures the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

        I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

        I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

        If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

        If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

        When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

        My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

        My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

        My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

        If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

        Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

        Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

        Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things I’d do. Other suggestions have been sent to me which didn’t quite make the Top 100 List. But they are still so good that I couldn’t bear to throw them out. Therefore, as an expression of gratitude, I have tossed them into…

        Cellblocks A and B

    • #2748848

      Cowboy Logic vs Treehugger Logic

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .

      The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, that the males castrated and let loose again, and the population would eventually be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

      All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

      Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t f*ckin’ our sheep – they’re eatin’ ’em.”

    • #2748845

      Confucius Say:

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .

      Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

      Learn to masturbate, it come in handy

      Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time

      Good for man to meet lady in park, better for man to park meat in lady

      Put your ad here!

      Man who run in front of car get tired.

      Man who run behind car get exhausted.

      Man with one chopstick go hungry.

      Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

      Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

      Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

      War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

      Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

      Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

      It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

      Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

      Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

      Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

      Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

    • #2748841

      TequilaR

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
      Do you suffer from shyness?
      Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
      If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
      pharmacist about TequilaR.

      TequilaR is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
      about yourself and your actions.

      TequilaR can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
      world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will
      notice the benefits of TequilaR almost immediately, and with a regimen
      of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from
      living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
      thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
      had. Stop hiding and start living, with TequilaR.

      TequilaR may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
      nursingshould not use TequilaR. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing
      or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include
      dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of
      motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
      delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
      and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
      Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

      New liquor warning labels: Be sure to read them all!!!!!
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
      happened to your bra and panties.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
      you are not.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
      over again that you love them.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
      really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse

      with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
      smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
      WITH you.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      WARNING:
      The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass
      kicked.

    • #2748839

      THANK YOU SIR!!!!

      by oz_media ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Here I am, 11:49 PST and I still thought it was Thursday!!! LOO, YAY Friday! (mind you I decided to take the last two days off, just couldn’t get my arse in gear to get to work, so its a short week for me anyway).

      So on that note:
      Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
      That night, they all enjoy a good night’s sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
      “I dreamt I had the best wank last night.”
      The guy on the left side says,
      “That’s funny, I had the exact same dream!”.
      The guy in the middle says, “I dreamt I was skiing.”

    • #2748838

      The condom size tester

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
      “What size?” asks the clerk.
      “Gee, I don’t know.”
      “Go see Sophie in aisle 4.”

      So the guy goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells,
      “Medium!” The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
      Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie
      grabs him and yells, “Large!” The guy struts over to the register, pays, and
      leaves.
      A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
      “What size?” The kid embarassedly says “I’ve never done this before. I don’t
      know what size.” The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
      and yells “Clean up in aisle 4!”

    • #2748835

      Computer Viruses

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .

      Bush Virus – Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass
      destruction.
      The John Kerry Virus – Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes
      little purple hearts to appear on screen.
      The Clinton Virus – Gives you a permanent Hard Drive; with NO memory.
      The Al Gore Virus – Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.
      The Bob Dole Virus – Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
      The Lewinsky Virus – Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
      emails everyone about what it did.
      The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus – Terminates some files, leaves, but will
      be back.
      The Mike Tyson Virus – Quits after two bytes.
      The Oprah Winfrey Virus – Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
      slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
      The Ellen Degeneres Virus – Disks can no longer be inserted.
      The Prozac Virus – Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t
      care.
      The Michael Jackson Virus – Only attacks minor files.
      The Lorena Bobbitt Virus – Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
      floppy…then discards it through Windows.

      • #2748834

        Colonoscopies are no joke, but……………….

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Computer Viruses

        Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

        1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
        2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
        3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
        4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
        5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
        6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
        7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
        8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
        9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
        10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
        11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
        12. “God, now I know why I am not gay.”

        And the best one of all..

        13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

        • #2776527

          oh colonosopy!!

          by xnavydk ·

          In reply to Colonoscopies are no joke, but……………….

          I have a brother. I know scary huh.

          well i went to a proctologist for my retirement physical and I went in the room changes to the gown and the guy comes in a little indian fella, sounded just like Apu from the simpsons. I could not pronouce his name if I wanted to.

          during our discussion he descibes the procedure, during which he whips out this old polaroid camera and procedes to tell me how this camera is going in my backside…ROFL at this point…

          and then… tells me to turn around and on each wall there is 2 huge mirrors opposite of eachother.

          you know this guy has a sense of humor when the mirror says Objects in mirror are closer then they appear…

          he had the hugest hands I have ever seen on a human, and if you ever seen a ambulance spelled backwards you know it says ecnalubma..

          His name was Ssarouy maerot ginogim….

          I told my brother this and he blew beer out his nose…

    • #2748833

      well this is for you all

      by xnavydk ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      “To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.” Murphys Tech Law

      and if you are a hero you need a________?

      http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/lab/1001746799.html

      • #2748828

        Hmmmm

        by jamesrl ·

        In reply to well this is for you all

        $700 sounds good, I might some inspiration on the evil stuf though….could be a good group project.

        James

    • #2748830

      Meals on Wheels

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Cat Heaven

      A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’

      The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’

      God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

      A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

      The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’

      God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

      About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, ‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

      The cat yawns and stretches and says… ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life, And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!

    • #2748826

      Adjusted World History – As it “really – – really” happened ;)

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .
      Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
      hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
      summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
      winter.

      The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of
      beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
      man to the beer.
      These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
      the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct
      subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

      Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the
      beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
      were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting
      around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to
      the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

      Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
      night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
      is known as “the Conservative movement.”

      Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
      live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and
      doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning
      of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually
      evolved into women. The rest became known as ‘girliemen.’

      Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
      cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept
      of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
      conservatives provided.

      Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
      most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
      symbolized by the jackass.

      Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
      prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
      like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
      liberal fare.

      Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women
      have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
      personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
      group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
      hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat.

      Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
      provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
      cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
      doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines,
      and generally anyone who works productively.
      [b][i]Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
      work for a living.[/b][/i]

      Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the
      producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
      believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
      most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
      coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and
      created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

      Here ends today’s lesson in world history:

      It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
      angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative
      will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this
      history that it will be forwarded immediately to other “true
      believers.”

      This is our “factual” story and we are sticking to it – – – – –

    • #2748815

      Female Prayer & Male Prayer

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .

      Female Prayer

      Before I lay me down to sleep,
      I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
      One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
      One who loves to listen long,
      One who thinks before he speaks,
      One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
      I pray he’s gainfully employed,
      When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
      Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
      Massages my back and begs to do more.
      Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
      Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
      I pray that this man will love me to no end,
      And always be my very best friend.
      Amen.

      Male Prayer

      I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
      liquor store and a bass boat.
      This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

    • #2748812

      Lost

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a
      degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that
      hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from
      Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went
      to an old farmer’s house way back in the hills, introduced
      himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

      The young man asked, “What’s the most exciting thing that ever
      happened around here?”

      The farmer thought for a minute and said, ” One time one of my
      neighbor’s sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then
      we all screwed it and took it back home.”

      “I can’t print that!” the young man exclaimed. “Can you think of
      anything else exciting that happened?”

      After another moment, the farmer said, “Yeah, one time my
      neighbor’s daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a
      big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we
      took her back home.”

      Again, the young man said “I can’t print that either. Okay let
      try something else. What’s the most terrible thing that ever
      happened around here?”

      The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
      timidly at the young man and said,

      “I got lost once.”

    • #2748806

      Mean Things To Say To People

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

      Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse
      advice.

      Are your parents siblings?

      As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

      Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

      Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

      Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

      Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough
      oxygen at birth?

      Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to
      like you?

      Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?

      Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

      Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

      Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

      Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.

      Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

      He has a mind like a steel trap – always closed!

      He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

      He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build
      an idiot.

      He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.

      Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

      Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?

      How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

      I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to
      get my head that far up my ass.

      I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used
      it.

      I bet your mother has a loud bark!

      I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the
      credit?

      I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture
      would eat.

      I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

      I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against
      thousands of others?

      I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.

      I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

      I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

      I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found
      nothing there.

      I know you are nobody’s fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

      I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

      I would ask you how old you are but I know you can’t count that
      high.

      I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

      I’d like to leave you with one thought…but I’m not sure you have
      anywhere to put it!

      I’d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

      I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.

      I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

      I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

      If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want
      a brain that had never been used.

      If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

      If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder;
      it would be genocide!

      If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s invulnerable.

      If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

      If your brain was chocolate it wouldn’t fill an M&M.

      Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.

      Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!

      Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a
      damn.

      So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely
      journey.

      Some day you will find yourself – and wish you hadn’t.

      There is no vaccine against stupidity.

    • #2748801

      The Jewish pregnancy

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, ‘Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, ‘Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account.’ ‘If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. ‘However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?’ Stunned at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on theman’s shoulder and tells him, ‘You’ll give her another chance, won’t you?’

    • #2748799

      Politically Correct Ways to Say You’re Stupid

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      35 politically correct ways to say someone is stupid

      Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

      A few clowns short of a circus.

      A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

      An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

      A few beers short of a six-pack.

      Dumber than a box of hair.

      A few peas short of a casserole.

      Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.

      The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

      One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

      One taco short of a combination plate.

      A few feathers short of a whole duck.

      All foam, no beer.

      The cheese slid off his cracker.

      Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

      Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

      Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

      He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

      An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

      As smart as bait.

      Chimney’s clogged.

      Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.

      Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

      Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.

      Her sewing machine’s out of thread.

      His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

      His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.

      If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

      Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

      No grain in the silo.

      Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

      Receiver is off the hook.

      Several nuts short of a full pouch.

      Skylight leaks a little.

      Slinky’s kinked.

      Surfing in Nebraska.

      Too much yardage between the goal posts.

      In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

    • #2748795

      My hands are freezing!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
      vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
      wood.

      When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

      She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will
      warm them up.”

      After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and when he
      comes back he says,

      “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

      She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm
      them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.

      After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get
      them through the night. When he returns, he says again,

      “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”

      She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears
      ever get cold?”

    • #2748772

      why I dont have a GF, the Answer. and a bonus

      by xnavydk ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      http://en.nothingisreal.com/wiki/Why_I_Will_Never_Have_a_Girlfriend

      statically speaking, I’m screwed…

      well.. this will cheer someone up…

      http://www.couponfu.com/lb/generate/?c=622-63-208_palmetto_escort_coupon

      Happy Bday again !

    • #2748750
    • #2748665

      Sensible Observations

      by captbilly1eye ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died
      peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
      passengers in his car.’
      –Author Unknown

      2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
      get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
      ‘Take two aspirin’ and ‘Keep away from children.’
      –Author Unknown

      3) ‘Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
      member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.’
      –Mark Twain

      4) ‘The problem with the designated driver program, it’s
      not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
      doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
      drop them off at the wrong house.’
      –Jeff Foxworthy

      5) ‘If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
      and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the
      infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.’
      –Dave Barry

      6) ‘Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and
      we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
      wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice.
      There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
      you, they should have to find you a temp.’
      –Bob Ettinger

      7) ‘My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
      her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
      ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.”
      –Paula Poundstone

      8) ‘A study in the Washington Post says that women have
      better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
      authors of that study: ‘Duh.’
      –Conan O’Brien

      9) ‘Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m
      halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God….
      I could be eating a slow learner.’
      –Lynda Montgomery

      10) ‘I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of
      people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime
      and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.
      Let’s go west.”
      –Richard Jeni

      11) ‘If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
      impersonators would be dead.’
      –Johnny Carson

      12) ‘Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.’
      –Paul Rodriguez

      13) ‘My parents didn’t want to move to Florida ,
      but they turned sixty and that’s the law.’
      –Jerry Seinfeld

      14) ‘Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
      case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
      from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
      What, do tall people burn slower?’
      –Warren Hutcherson

      15) ‘Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
      Monogamy is the same.’
      –Oscar Wilde

      16) ‘Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?
      There’s a support group for that.
      It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.’
      –Drew Carey

      17) ‘Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
      At least they can find Afghanistan .’
      –A. Whitney Brown

      18) ‘You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
      and the dog will give you a look that says,
      ‘My God, you’re right!
      I never would’ve thought of that!”
      –Dave Barry

      19) Do you know why they call it ‘PMS’?
      Because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was taken.
      –Unknown, presumed deceased

      20) ‘Everybody’s got to believe in something.
      I believe I’ll have another beer.’
      –W. C. Fields

      And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to ‘Press 1 for English?’
      –Every American

      BTW…. I LIKED your original joke, OM. I laughed hard and will add it to my arsenal. Thanks.

    • #2776511

      Just a small one. :)

      by peconet tietokoneet ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      Siamese twin joke

      Next time you’re having a bad day, imagine this;

      You’re a Siamese twin

      Your brother, attached to your shoulder, is gay

      You’re not

      He has a date coming over tonight

      You only have one arse

    • #2776486

      How and why Aussies are different

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he
      wants to do something fun for once. He’s spent his whole life
      researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do
      something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a
      suggestion of something different to go and research. This
      assistant is a bit of a git and decides he’ll play a prank on the
      old man, and suggests he research ‘sheep shagging’. The professor
      thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his
      research.

      He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about
      his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he’s
      got time to answer a couple of quick questions.

      “No problem boyo” says the farmer, “go right ahead.

      “Well,” said the professor, “what I’d like to know first is, do
      you own any sheep here?”

      “Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We’ve
      got loads of ’em”

      “Great, now the next question is a bit personal – do you use your
      sheep for sex?”

      “Ohh, too right boyo. There’s three or four out there who are my
      particular favourites.”

      “So, how exactly do you …. do it?”

      “Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back
      feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody
      heaven boyo”

      The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard
      about the Kiwis, he heads out to New Zealand with exactly the
      same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same
      responses.

      “Round up the sheep, head ’em up towards a cliff and off you go.
      Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody
      marvelous mate.”

      Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research
      needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre
      of sheep shagging, Australia.

      Once in Australia, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest
      farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door.

      He repeats his questions to the farmer

      “Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies,
      front legs over me shoulders and away we go!”

      “So the sheep faces you? That’s strange – I’ve been talking to
      people around the world about this, and they all do it with the
      sheep facing away from them.”

      The Aussie is shocked. For a few seconds he can’t speak, then he
      manages to stutter:

      “What? No kissing?”

      • #2775729

        ROFL !

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to How and why Aussies are different

        hahaahaaa..

        (No comment from Col yet??)

        • #2775495

          So far, so good. Maybe he’s missed it. I hope not otherwise……. ;) :^0

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to ROFL !

          there wouldn’t be any fun to it. Mind you Col isn’t the only Aussie here and there’s always the kiwi contingent; aren’t they supoosed to be partial to sheep as well???

          There; that should broaden the number of targets somewhat. LOL :^0

          [b]Dawg[/b]

        • #2776267
          Avatar photo

          No I didn’t miss it Dawg

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to So far, so good. Maybe he’s missed it. I hope not otherwise……. ;) :^0

          Between not being able to log out as Oh Smeg and laughing I haven’t answered.

          Even now with TR falling to bits around my ears all I can say [b]No Kissing is Unnatural.[/b]

          Mind you several Kiwis told me that previously including the ones who wear Sheep Skin Cloths and crawl around on all fours to get a bit occasionally.

          Apparently the [b]Devil Emotion[/b] didn’t work after the last Upgrade and in fixing that they broke the rest of them and now nothing is working.

          Col

    • #2776118

      A Guy’s Guide to Bra Sizes

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .

      Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

      {A} Almost Boobs…

      {B} Barely there….

      {C} Can’t Complain!..

      {D} Dang!…

      {DD} Double dang!…

      {E} Enormous!…

      {F} Fake…

      {G} Get a Reduction…

      {H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

    • #2776109

      What is Butt Dust?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Wot – No YUK ??!! I’ll have flied lice then …

      .

      What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust?’ Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

      JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

      MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘ If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

      STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

      BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

      SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

      DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

      MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his Dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

      CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

      JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

      TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

      The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget…. This particular Sunday sermon…’Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. ‘Without you, we are But dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

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