Answer for:

How is it that I am?

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see, Google is the mastermind behind all this, Google got their night minions to steal the manual, so that you couldn't use that. Google then beat up wolfram, till it agreed to help. after that Google and Wolfram wailed on the Library of Congress till it agreed not to say anything.

the solution you say? First you have to go to the GDIP (Google Dome of Incomprehensible Pain) and defeat a level 25 minion, once you have done that , they will give you back your manual.