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Friday Yuk

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Friday Yuk

PurpleSkys Moderator
Husband 1.0


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly .WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. They could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old stand-by Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck

Tech Support
  • +
    0 Votes
    Slayer_

    Too many weekday yuks, I used em all up.

    +
    0 Votes
    PurpleSkys Moderator

    I Google most of mine or dig up old emails

    +
    0 Votes

    I've got probably 15 years worth of stored emails on my old Pentium 166!
    Every now and then I fire it up to copy something off...like an old ZD Net
    utility, such as MailCall or Password Pro! I found out these will still work
    on WinXP and 7 32 bit! I also will drag out my long phone cord and use
    the old 33.6 modem and dialup my backup ISP, while booted to DOS,
    and play on telnet for a while, hehe! Anyone else remember "I sit in
    Siberia with only telnet"? :)

    +
    0 Votes
    PurpleSkys Moderator

    more is always better....gives everyone a little giggle me thinks

    +
    1 Votes
    Michael Jay

    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

    The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

    "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

    "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

    The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

    The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

    The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

    "He is a veterinarian," she answered.

    "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.
    "Where does he practice?"

    The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

    +
    2 Votes

    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
    After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
    accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
    The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank
    you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
    the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
    community service this week.'
    The cop was happy and left the shop.
    The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you '
    card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

    Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill
    , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
    community service this week.'
    The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
    Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
    citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
    BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

    +
    0 Votes
    AnsuGisalas

    So, this taxi driver picks up a ride, who turns out to be a country lad.
    The boy has never been in a mercedes, and asks what that thingy at the front of the car is.
    The taxi driver, being a joking sort, explains that they're the pedestrian sights for the car, and demonstrates by speeding towards a banker gingerly crossing the road, narrowly swerving to miss.
    The country boy says, "Your aim isn't very good, but I got him with the door".

    *bowdlerized version*

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Pablo Pissaco encountered a Burglar in his house one night stealing some paintings. The Thief got away empty handed and when the police arrived he offered to do a quick drawing of the thief to help enable them to identify him.

    On the basis of Passicos drawing the Police have arrested a Nun, a Politician, a Old Custom Painted Beer Fridge and the Eiffel Tower.

    +
    1 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Firepower for a Bear Gun

    A 22 short should do it . . . . . Think not? Read on . . . . . . .. . .
    On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
    The best answer:
    My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course, we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law. That way, if something happens, there is someone to go get help.
    I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta. Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man, was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.
    Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
    She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
    He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled butt... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
    I'll give him a call.
    "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
    Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
    "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is ***. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
    He said,
    "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Stormy Night

    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

    Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
    Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
    A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

    "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
    Bob brings his wife in.

    An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


    After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


    The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


    Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

    He bursts in and shouts to his master:

    "Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

    (I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Father John


    It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

    Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


    The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
    'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
    'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
    'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
    'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
    Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father
    John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
    'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
    'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
    'That wicked old *******, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It's **** to be Old

    OLD people have problems that you haven't
    even considered yet!

    An 85-year-old man was requested by his
    Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
    exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
    this jar home and bring back a ***** sample
    tomorrow.'

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
    at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
    which was as clean and empty as on the
    previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man
    explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
    with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
    with my left hand, but still nothing..

    'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
    her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
    She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
    then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
    and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
    armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
    her knees, but still nothing.'

    The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
    neighbor?'

    The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
    the jar open.

  • +
    0 Votes
    Slayer_

    Too many weekday yuks, I used em all up.

    +
    0 Votes
    PurpleSkys Moderator

    I Google most of mine or dig up old emails

    +
    0 Votes

    I've got probably 15 years worth of stored emails on my old Pentium 166!
    Every now and then I fire it up to copy something off...like an old ZD Net
    utility, such as MailCall or Password Pro! I found out these will still work
    on WinXP and 7 32 bit! I also will drag out my long phone cord and use
    the old 33.6 modem and dialup my backup ISP, while booted to DOS,
    and play on telnet for a while, hehe! Anyone else remember "I sit in
    Siberia with only telnet"? :)

    +
    0 Votes
    PurpleSkys Moderator

    more is always better....gives everyone a little giggle me thinks

    +
    1 Votes
    Michael Jay

    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

    The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

    "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

    "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

    The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

    The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

    The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

    "He is a veterinarian," she answered.

    "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.
    "Where does he practice?"

    The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

    +
    2 Votes

    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
    After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
    accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
    The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank
    you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
    the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
    community service this week.'
    The cop was happy and left the shop.
    The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you '
    card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

    Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill
    , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
    community service this week.'
    The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
    Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
    citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
    BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

    +
    0 Votes
    AnsuGisalas

    So, this taxi driver picks up a ride, who turns out to be a country lad.
    The boy has never been in a mercedes, and asks what that thingy at the front of the car is.
    The taxi driver, being a joking sort, explains that they're the pedestrian sights for the car, and demonstrates by speeding towards a banker gingerly crossing the road, narrowly swerving to miss.
    The country boy says, "Your aim isn't very good, but I got him with the door".

    *bowdlerized version*

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Pablo Pissaco encountered a Burglar in his house one night stealing some paintings. The Thief got away empty handed and when the police arrived he offered to do a quick drawing of the thief to help enable them to identify him.

    On the basis of Passicos drawing the Police have arrested a Nun, a Politician, a Old Custom Painted Beer Fridge and the Eiffel Tower.

    +
    1 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Firepower for a Bear Gun

    A 22 short should do it . . . . . Think not? Read on . . . . . . .. . .
    On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
    The best answer:
    My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course, we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law. That way, if something happens, there is someone to go get help.
    I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta. Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man, was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.
    Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
    She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
    He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled butt... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
    I'll give him a call.
    "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
    Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
    "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is ***. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
    He said,
    "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Stormy Night

    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

    Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
    Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
    A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

    "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
    Bob brings his wife in.

    An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


    After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


    The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


    Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

    He bursts in and shouts to his master:

    "Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

    (I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Father John


    It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

    Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


    The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
    'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
    'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
    'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
    'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
    Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father
    John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
    'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
    'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
    'That wicked old *******, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It's **** to be Old

    OLD people have problems that you haven't
    even considered yet!

    An 85-year-old man was requested by his
    Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
    exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
    this jar home and bring back a ***** sample
    tomorrow.'

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
    at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
    which was as clean and empty as on the
    previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man
    explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
    with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
    with my left hand, but still nothing..

    'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
    her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
    She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
    then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
    and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
    armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
    her knees, but still nothing.'

    The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
    neighbor?'

    The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
    the jar open.