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Friday Yuk, Aug 3, 2012

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Friday Yuk, Aug 3, 2012

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"


What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?

The dog shuts up when you let it in.


At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."


Have a good day! :)
  • +
    4 Votes
    GSG

    This is an old one, but still a favorite.


    The Dog's Diary
    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    The Cat's Diary
    Day 983 of My Captivity
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

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    0 Votes
    PurpleSkys Moderator

    i would...that's gotta be one of my favorites... !

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    0 Votes
    robo_dev

    There's a VERY funny video called "A PSA from cats" ...safe for work, with some slightly bad language

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    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    It just hit me!

    My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

    He has his food prepared for him.

    He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

    His meals are provided at no cost to him.

    He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during
    the year if any medical needs arise.

    For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

    He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than
    he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

    If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

    He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

    He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

    He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

    All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living
    every day.

    I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like
    a ton of bricks ...


    My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.

    +
    0 Votes
    AnsuGisalas

    Expected: My_dog_must_be_smarter_than_I_am

    By the way, illegal immigrants sound like those people they keep in the big pen called "duh-ley-gee-slay-choo-er".

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    0 Votes

    And

    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Then there is the Cat.

    At least the dog looks as if it appreciates the house.

    Col

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    A Orchestra Conductor being short of money starts embezzling the Orchestras performance money. This continues for 25 years before he is finally caught out and he pleads Guilty at Trial. His mitigating Excuse is hes a Bad Conductor and should be shown mercy.

    This excuse so enrages the Judge that he hands out the Death Penalty and sets the Electric Chair for the following week.

    When the sentence is applied the Death Row Staff strap the Conductor into the Electric Chair make sure that everything is properly connected and turn on the electricity. He sits there smiling and this causes the Prison Staff to Roll On the power. After doing this 3 times the Prisons Electric Chair draws so much power that the entire eastern seaboard has a catastrophic Power Failure where the distribution Grid is melted down and every Power generation plant is off line with severe damage requiring at least 6 months to repair.

    The Conductor is by now laughing his head off and when asked whats so funny his reply is I told you lot I was a Bad Conductor.

  • +
    4 Votes
    GSG

    This is an old one, but still a favorite.


    The Dog's Diary
    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    The Cat's Diary
    Day 983 of My Captivity
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

    +
    0 Votes
    PurpleSkys Moderator

    i would...that's gotta be one of my favorites... !

    +
    0 Votes
    robo_dev

    There's a VERY funny video called "A PSA from cats" ...safe for work, with some slightly bad language

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    It just hit me!

    My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

    He has his food prepared for him.

    He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

    His meals are provided at no cost to him.

    He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during
    the year if any medical needs arise.

    For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

    He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than
    he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

    If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

    He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

    He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

    He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

    All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living
    every day.

    I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like
    a ton of bricks ...


    My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.

    +
    0 Votes
    AnsuGisalas

    Expected: My_dog_must_be_smarter_than_I_am

    By the way, illegal immigrants sound like those people they keep in the big pen called "duh-ley-gee-slay-choo-er".

    +
    0 Votes

    And

    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Then there is the Cat.

    At least the dog looks as if it appreciates the house.

    Col

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    A Orchestra Conductor being short of money starts embezzling the Orchestras performance money. This continues for 25 years before he is finally caught out and he pleads Guilty at Trial. His mitigating Excuse is hes a Bad Conductor and should be shown mercy.

    This excuse so enrages the Judge that he hands out the Death Penalty and sets the Electric Chair for the following week.

    When the sentence is applied the Death Row Staff strap the Conductor into the Electric Chair make sure that everything is properly connected and turn on the electricity. He sits there smiling and this causes the Prison Staff to Roll On the power. After doing this 3 times the Prisons Electric Chair draws so much power that the entire eastern seaboard has a catastrophic Power Failure where the distribution Grid is melted down and every Power generation plant is off line with severe damage requiring at least 6 months to repair.

    The Conductor is by now laughing his head off and when asked whats so funny his reply is I told you lot I was a Bad Conductor.