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Friday Yuk - June 1, 2012

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1 Votes
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Friday Yuk - June 1, 2012

PurpleSkys Moderator
The Best Smart *** Answers

SMART *** ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART *** ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART *** ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART *** ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART *** ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART *** ANSWER
OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
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    2 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    A bloke goes out and buys an Angler and 5 Horses as his family to stick on the back window of his car. After 3 weeks of wondering what this is all about his wife finally realizes he always wanted to go fishing so the Angler is understandable but the 5 Horses was a concern as he had never raised any longing to go Horse Riding or Owning a Horse.

    Finally she realized that the Horsed depicted her 5 Nags.

    Col

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    2 Votes
    Slayer_

    A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

    He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

    The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

    The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

    The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.

    Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.

    They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

    The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

    Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes.

    Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

    The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his
    hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

    They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

    The butcher runs up and stops the guy,

    "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

    To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ***. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

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    1 Votes
    AV .

    A couple of redneck hunters are out in
    the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
    He doesn't seem to be breathing
    and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    The other redneck starts to panic, then
    whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    He frantically blurts out to the operator,
    "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
    He's Dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, trying to calm him says,
    "Take it easy. I can help.
    Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
    First, lets make sure he's dead."
    There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

    The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

    +
    1 Votes

    Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen."
    Husband texts back: "Pour some warm water over it."
    Wife texts back: "Computer completely fuc*^d now!."

  • +
    2 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    A bloke goes out and buys an Angler and 5 Horses as his family to stick on the back window of his car. After 3 weeks of wondering what this is all about his wife finally realizes he always wanted to go fishing so the Angler is understandable but the 5 Horses was a concern as he had never raised any longing to go Horse Riding or Owning a Horse.

    Finally she realized that the Horsed depicted her 5 Nags.

    Col

    +
    2 Votes
    Slayer_

    A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

    He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

    The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

    The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

    The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.

    Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.

    They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

    The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

    Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes.

    Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

    The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his
    hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

    They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

    The butcher runs up and stops the guy,

    "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

    To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ***. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

    +
    1 Votes
    AV .

    A couple of redneck hunters are out in
    the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
    He doesn't seem to be breathing
    and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    The other redneck starts to panic, then
    whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    He frantically blurts out to the operator,
    "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
    He's Dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, trying to calm him says,
    "Take it easy. I can help.
    Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
    First, lets make sure he's dead."
    There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

    The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

    +
    1 Votes

    Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen."
    Husband texts back: "Pour some warm water over it."
    Wife texts back: "Computer completely fuc*^d now!."