+ 0 Votes Well a completely Clean Joke for a change HAL 9000 Moderator 1 year ago Two Trees and a Woodpecker It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into. + 2 Votes Hehe... wizard57m-cnet Moderator 1 year ago reminds me of a t-shirt I saw once in my college days... "A hard man is good to find"... Anyhow, here's one I think you'll enjoy! A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie." + 0 Votes OR HAL 9000 Moderator 1 year ago Attendance Call – First Day At School Attendance call on the first day back at school in Broadmeadows Primary School near Birmingham. The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils: "Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here." "Ahmed El Kabul?" "Here." "Fatima Al Chadoury? " "Here." "Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here." "Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here." "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom. "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?" A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Michael Meyer." + 0 Votes O.K.; I got a clean one, after all: hippiekarl Updated - 1 year ago Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him: How much is that faucet? The manager replied: Thats a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00. Mary exclaimed: My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. Its certainly out of my price bracket. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled: "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?". Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No...but I will for the faucet." + 0 Votes my funny for the day PurpleSkys Moderator Updated - 1 year ago An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you cant come in here. So the engineer reports to the gates of **** and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in ****, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy. One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, how's it going down there in ****? Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. Theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. God replies, What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now. Satan shouts back, No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him. God says, Send him back up here or I'll sue. Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer? + 3 Votes LITTLE FLAB !! HAL 9000 Moderator 1 year ago One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... 'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said.... 'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.' This was beyond a silent response... So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.' With a death grip in place, she said... 'You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener , the postman, the Milk man and your brother!' + 1 Votes So this lady's on the freeway in a convertible, with 3 penguins in the back hippiekarl Updated - 1 year ago eating ice-cream cones. Cop pulls her over and says, "What do you think you're doing with these penguins?!" Lady says, We just went out for ice cream." The cop says, "Well, you'd better take them to the zoo *right now*!" She says , "Well, OK, officer...", and leaves. Next day, the cop sees the same lady in her car, with the penguins, and this time they're all wearing sunglasses....he pulls her off again, walks up, and says, "Lady---I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" She says, "I did!...Now, we're going to the beach!" (cleanest joke I know....) + 1 Votes One more before Tuesday turns into Wednesday (for me anyway!) wizard57m-cnet Moderator 1 year ago Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window. After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded! + 0 Votes At a Diplomatic Gala Dinner..... HAL 9000 Moderator 1 year ago When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison? What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "Hard *****! Just hard *****!" replied Madame de Gaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said: "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "happiness!'"