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Tuesday funnies - July 10, 2012

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Tuesday funnies - July 10, 2012

PurpleSkys Moderator
Ten reasons you know you're living in 2009

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
9. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
10. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. :)
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    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Two Trees and a Woodpecker

    It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

    The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
    best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

    +
    0 Votes

    OR

    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Attendance Call – First Day At School





    Attendance call on the first day back at school in Broadmeadows Primary School near Birmingham.

    The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:



    "Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
    "Here."

    "Ahmed El Kabul?"
    "Here."



    "Fatima Al Chadoury? "
    "Here."

    "Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
    "Here."

    "Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
    "Here."

    "Mi Cha El Mey Er"



    Silence in the classroom. "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"





    A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Michael Meyer."

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    0 Votes
    hippiekarl

    Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him: How much is that faucet? The manager replied: Thats a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00. Mary exclaimed: My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. Its certainly out of my price bracket. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled: "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?". Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No...but I will for the faucet."

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Nearly as bad as a woman at a hardware store running away from me and complaining to her boss that I had sworn at her by asking where the files where.

    She wanted to know what type of File I needed and ran away when I said Flat *******. I'm still not sure how to ask for one of those now.

    Col

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    0 Votes
    PurpleSkys Moderator

    An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
    and says: Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you cant come in here.
    So the engineer reports to the gates of **** and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in ****, and starts designing and building improvements.
    After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators.
    The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
    One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, how's it going down there in ****?
    Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. Theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
    God replies, What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now.
    Satan shouts back, No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him.
    God says, Send him back up here or I'll sue.
    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?

    +
    3 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
    'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.'

    While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

    The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
    and said....
    'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.'

    This was beyond a silent response...

    So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'

    With a death grip in place, she said...

    'You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of
    the gardener ,
    the postman,
    the Milk man
    and
    your brother!'

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    I'm only posting similar things to Purple Skies.

    Well actually they are the cleanest ones I can find.

    Col

    +
    0 Votes

    Here's one from my pharmacist persona...
    You know why pharmacists tell their patients to always drink a
    full glass of water when taking their Viagra?
    You don't want the pill getting stuck in their throat or they
    get a stiff neck!
    :)

    +
    0 Votes

    Ever wonder why they don't make "sublingual" Viagra?
    (Sublingual is the dose form that dissolves under the tongue)
    Yep, you guessed it...the patient would be sticking their tongue
    out for 4 hours! Oh, and if it lasted longer than 4 hours, they
    should consult medical help!

    +
    2 Votes
    hippiekarl

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over on Friday night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where her parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist".

    +
    0 Votes

    PurpleSkys Moderator

    Nt

    +
    1 Votes
    hippiekarl

    eating ice-cream cones. Cop pulls her over and says, "What do you think you're doing with these penguins?!" Lady says, We just went out for ice cream." The cop says, "Well, you'd better take them to the zoo *right now*!" She says , "Well, OK, officer...", and leaves. Next day, the cop sees the same lady in her car, with the penguins, and this time they're all wearing sunglasses....he pulls her off again, walks up, and says, "Lady---I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" She says, "I did!...Now, we're going to the beach!" (cleanest joke I know....)

    +
    1 Votes

    Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

    After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!

    +
    0 Votes
    hippiekarl

    "Saving Private Ryan', where the mortally wounded Tom Hanks character plinks at a Tiger II battle tank with his .45 sidearm, and the tank explodes....

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador

    and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

    At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

    "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the

    French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem

    in comparison? What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

    "Hard *****! Just hard *****!" replied Madame de Gaulle.

    A huge hush fell over the table.
    Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next.

    Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:
    "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "happiness!'"

    +
    2 Votes

    reminds me of a t-shirt I saw once in my college days...
    "A hard man is good to find"...

    Anyhow, here's one I think you'll enjoy!

    A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

    The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

    The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

  • +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Two Trees and a Woodpecker

    It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

    The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
    best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

    +
    0 Votes

    OR

    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Attendance Call – First Day At School





    Attendance call on the first day back at school in Broadmeadows Primary School near Birmingham.

    The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:



    "Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
    "Here."

    "Ahmed El Kabul?"
    "Here."



    "Fatima Al Chadoury? "
    "Here."

    "Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
    "Here."

    "Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
    "Here."

    "Mi Cha El Mey Er"



    Silence in the classroom. "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"





    A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Michael Meyer."

    +
    0 Votes
    hippiekarl

    Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him: How much is that faucet? The manager replied: Thats a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00. Mary exclaimed: My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. Its certainly out of my price bracket. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled: "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?". Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No...but I will for the faucet."

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    Nearly as bad as a woman at a hardware store running away from me and complaining to her boss that I had sworn at her by asking where the files where.

    She wanted to know what type of File I needed and ran away when I said Flat *******. I'm still not sure how to ask for one of those now.

    Col

    +
    0 Votes
    PurpleSkys Moderator

    An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
    and says: Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you cant come in here.
    So the engineer reports to the gates of **** and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in ****, and starts designing and building improvements.
    After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators.
    The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
    One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, how's it going down there in ****?
    Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. Theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
    God replies, What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now.
    Satan shouts back, No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him.
    God says, Send him back up here or I'll sue.
    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?

    +
    3 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
    'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.'

    While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

    The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
    and said....
    'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.'

    This was beyond a silent response...

    So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'

    With a death grip in place, she said...

    'You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of
    the gardener ,
    the postman,
    the Milk man
    and
    your brother!'

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    I'm only posting similar things to Purple Skies.

    Well actually they are the cleanest ones I can find.

    Col

    +
    0 Votes

    Here's one from my pharmacist persona...
    You know why pharmacists tell their patients to always drink a
    full glass of water when taking their Viagra?
    You don't want the pill getting stuck in their throat or they
    get a stiff neck!
    :)

    +
    0 Votes

    Ever wonder why they don't make "sublingual" Viagra?
    (Sublingual is the dose form that dissolves under the tongue)
    Yep, you guessed it...the patient would be sticking their tongue
    out for 4 hours! Oh, and if it lasted longer than 4 hours, they
    should consult medical help!

    +
    2 Votes
    hippiekarl

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over on Friday night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where her parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist".

    +
    0 Votes

    PurpleSkys Moderator

    Nt

    +
    1 Votes
    hippiekarl

    eating ice-cream cones. Cop pulls her over and says, "What do you think you're doing with these penguins?!" Lady says, We just went out for ice cream." The cop says, "Well, you'd better take them to the zoo *right now*!" She says , "Well, OK, officer...", and leaves. Next day, the cop sees the same lady in her car, with the penguins, and this time they're all wearing sunglasses....he pulls her off again, walks up, and says, "Lady---I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" She says, "I did!...Now, we're going to the beach!" (cleanest joke I know....)

    +
    1 Votes

    Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

    After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!

    +
    0 Votes
    hippiekarl

    "Saving Private Ryan', where the mortally wounded Tom Hanks character plinks at a Tiger II battle tank with his .45 sidearm, and the tank explodes....

    +
    0 Votes
    HAL 9000 Moderator

    When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador

    and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

    At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

    "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the

    French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem

    in comparison? What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

    "Hard *****! Just hard *****!" replied Madame de Gaulle.

    A huge hush fell over the table.
    Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next.

    Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:
    "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "happiness!'"

    +
    2 Votes

    reminds me of a t-shirt I saw once in my college days...
    "A hard man is good to find"...

    Anyhow, here's one I think you'll enjoy!

    A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

    The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

    The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."