I usually don't make New Year's resolutions; it's not that I don't want to better myself — it's just that, for one reason or another, my resolutions fall by the wayside, and I never keep them. I always start with the best of intentions, but by noon on January 1st, the resolutions are as dead as a week old Christmas tree, and I'm back to my usual cranky self.
So this year I intend to use psychology in order keep my resolutions — that way, my losing streak will be broken, and my confidence will be restored, setting the stage for a winning streak next year. With this in mind, here are my New Year's resolutions for 2010.1. I resolve not to eat every leftover holiday cookie by January 2, 2010.
Maybe if I push myself and extend not only my limitation but also my waistline, I can finish the holiday cookies before New Year's Eve. Problem solved, because then the cookies will just be part of 2009's failed resolutions!2. I resolve not to be cranky around my wife and children.
This is a real problem that stems from a lack of sleep. So to avoid a situation that makes me cranky, I will not play on either the computer or the XBox 360 after midnight. My wife has asked me to add one additional stipulation: midnight local time. Pout!3. I resolve not to get involved in any flame wars; however, this doesn't mean that I won't instigate any flame wars.
So, tell me... what did you think of Atlas Shrugged?4. I resolve not to wear any creative combinations of clothes or any single item of clothing that embarrasses either my wife or my children.
I have gone so far as to contact the people that make Garanimals to see if they're willing to make a line of clothing for adults, or at least geeks.5. I resolve not to emulate Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, otherwise known as The Most Annoying Man in the World.
It's kind of depressing when the kids refer to me as Sheldon from CBS' The Big Bang Theory and won't let me wear superhero t-shirts either (see resolution number 4).6. I resolve not to purchase items on an impulse.
This will be a great help to my wife. She'll be able to send me to the store to pick up milk and bread without me coming home with two packages of Double Stuff Oreos, one package of Smarties, one package of Fig Newtons, three packages of Pepperidge Farm Parmesan Goldfish, a 12-pack of Dr Pepper, and no milk or bread. In addition, she might allow me to go to James H. Cohen and Sons in New Orleans, since there won't be a repeat of the whole Colt Dragoon thing.7. I resolve to write more, not only because it's fun, but also because there is some money involved.
The advantage to the extra cash is that I'll be able to purchase the items in resolution number 7 in a premeditated manner, thus avoiding the whole broken resolution issue.8. I resolve that I will not get all worked-up over upcoming television shows and movies.
The disappointment is just too great. I still haven't gotten over Firefly being canceled.9. I resolve that, when asked how I know that last night was the full moon, I will tell the truth, that I saw it.
It seems that people are disturbed when I say because I woke up naked on the back porch this morning. I wonder if lycanthropy is considered a preexisting condition?10. I resolve that I will not refer to cars, trucks, and buses as dimensional transmogrifiers because of their ability to turn three-dimensional people into two-dimensional people.
Funny as it sounds, not everybody is a fan of Gilbert Shelton.
All in all, it's a pretty good list — these are all things that I actually do need to change about myself (not that I will, of course, though I'll give it the Old College Try in the Calvin and Hobbes sense). Now, can anyone explain why my daughter is reading this over my shoulder and shaking her head?