For those of you who think that Apple has obnoxiously devoted fans, we hereby counter with the ultimate example of tech industry hero worship: The Church of Google. In what is (probably) an exercise in gleeful snark, this church promotes the notion that not only is Google a god, but that "She" is a more useful object of worship than most competing theological entities. After all, Google queries are prayers that actually get answered, though often mysteriously.Heeding the wisdom of Winston Zeddemore—who counseled that "When someone asks if you're a god, you say yes!"—the organized practitioners of Googlism have brought forth many of the trappings of more mainstream religions, including:
- Definitive PROOF Google is God!
- How to Promote The Church Of Google
- How to Become a Minister Within the Church
- How a Googlist Uses Google (Advanced Tips)
- Thou shalt have no other Search Engine before me, neither Yahoo nor Lycos, AltaVista nor Metacrawler. Thou shalt worship only me, and come to Google only for answers.
- Thou shalt not build thy own commercial-free Search Engine, for I am a jealous Engine, bringing law suits and plagues against the fathers of the children unto the third and fourth generations.
- Thou shalt not use Google as a verb to mean the use of any lesser Search Engine.
- Thou shalt remember each passing day and use thy time as an opportunity to gain knowledge of the unknown.
- Thou shalt honor thy fellow humans, regardless of gender, sexual orientation or race, for each has invaluable experience and knowledge to contribute toward humankind.
- Thou shalt not misspell whilst praying to me.
- Thou shalt not hotlink.
- Thou shalt not plagiarise or take undue credit for other's work.
- Thou shalt not use reciprocal links nor link farms, for I am a vengeful but fair engine and will diminish thy PageRank. The Google Dance shall cometh.
- Thou shalt not manipulate Search Results. Search Engine Optimization is but the work of Microsoft.
Finally, like most major religions, there's an Ultimate Evil that must be vanquished. In the case of Googlism, it's (drumroll please)...Microsoft. You didn't have to be omniscient to see that one coming.
Jay Garmon has a vast and terrifying knowledge of all things obscure, obtuse, and irrelevant. One day, he hopes to write science fiction, but for now he'll settle for something stranger — amusing and abusing IT pros. Read his full profile. You can also follow him on his personal blog.