After Hours

The Video Gamer Manifesto

For too long, the makers of cutting-edge video game titles have forced the same series of tired, unimaginative, derivative concepts, interfaces, and franchises down our throats. It's time to say no more. It's time to enact the <strong>Gamer's Manifesto</strong>!

While CES 2008 is giving geeks thousands of gadgets options to consume their disposable incomes, many of us have but one true techno-love—our gaming consoles. If only the games we play on these systems were consistently worthy of our adoration. For too long, the makers of cutting-edge game titles have forced the same series of tired, unimaginative, derivative concepts, interfaces, and franchises down our throats. It's time to say no more. It's time to enact the Gamer's Manifesto (courtesy of Pointless Waste of Time).

Be warned, this screed is overly long and filled with foul language (hey, it was written by gamers), so I've summarized and sanitized its 20-point Plan for Saving Video Games below:

  1. Give us A.I. that will actually outsmart us now and then.
  2. Give us a genre of game we've never seen before. (Something that's not an FPS or an RPG or Madden NFL)
  3. Don't lie to me about your graphics
  4. Actually create some legitimately adults-only games
  5. Actually create some female-oriented games
  6. All of the new consoles will have hard drives. Use them.
  7. Solve the "eternally loading" problem
  8. Give me in-game commentary that doesn't repeat itself every five-seconds (We're looking at you, Madden NFL)
  9. Help me forget I'm playing a game once in a while
  10. Dump the arbitrary environmental barriers (We're looking at you, missile-proof panes of glass in every FPS ever made)
  11. Dump the crappy heads-up displays, crappy camera angles, and crappy voice-acting. They're in the way of my game.
  12. Stop lying to us about levels of difficulty
  13. Don't lie to us about the game's feature set
  14. Develop some original in-game equipment and power-ups (we're looking at you, ubiquitous wooden crates)
  15. Knock it off with the stupid patents and stupid exclusive franchise licenses (I want my real NFL roster names back)
  16. Don't use the online capability as an excuse to release broken games
  17. Don't let other features distract from gaming
  18. Don't use online play as an excuse to bleed us dry
  19. Enough with the idiotic jumping puzzles in FPS games
  20. Stop building horizontal-only consoles

PWoT elaborates on these points here. If you think we've missed a major issue—or overstated the case—feel free to rage appropriately in ten comments section. Gamers, to arms!

About Jay Garmon

Jay Garmon has a vast and terrifying knowledge of all things obscure, obtuse, and irrelevant. One day, he hopes to write science fiction, but for now he'll settle for something stranger — amusing and abusing IT pros. Read his full profile. You can a...

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