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Advice on refusing unwanted job

By smatteson ·
I've been working as a network administrator in a good job for several years now. One of my in-laws gave my resume to his organization and they would like to interview me for a network support job dealing with a certain network software/email system that I have past experience with but do not want to spend further time supporting (I consider it to be outdated and archaic - I want to avoid a holy war so I will not specify the products in mind).

The job would also involve relocating to another state which I absolutely do not want to do. I'm happy in my current job and in my current house, both of which I've spent a lot of work on to get just the way I like it.

Because a family member set this up, I feel I have to go on this interview and while I plan to conduct the interview honestly and to the best of my ability (showing up drunk and telling female interviewers my x-ray specs can see everything might work on Three's Company, but is hardly realistic in real life), if I am offered the job I feel the game is over: I would have to take it, have to move, and have to change career paths down an unwanted direction.

I know the correct thing to do here is to explain to all involved why I do not want to relocate, but my wife feels that moving would be better for our kids, whereas I disagree with her on that for several reasons. The area we currently live in has better opportunities and a higher quality of life.

My plan therefore is to simply ask for too much so as to be refused the job; too much salary, too much time to leave my current job, too many perks like relocation assistance, etc. That is probably going to kill the deal and also lead the folks at this organization to tell my in-law that I'm a selfish person who blew the opportunity by making unreasonable demands, but short of knuckling under, quitting my current job and moving to someplace I don't care to live, I just don't see an alternative.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I can graciously get out of this situation so my life can continue as normal?

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Grow Some

by rush2112 In reply to Grow Some

yea, unless your INLAWS are leaving you a few TRUCKLOADS of inheritance, then grow some testicles and stand up straight and tell those around you, how you really feel and that you have made your decision.

Or bend over like the previous poster suggested and get on the preperation-H prescription plan.

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by vltiii In reply to Honesty

This is the way to go. Be honest and straight forward. If this causes a problems for the inlaws, it's most likely they're unreasonable anyway. Ultimately, as JamesRL stated, you and your wife decide what is best for your family... period.

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An idea

by Dr Dij In reply to Good point

let them know you wouldn't accept weekend or evening calls for help perhaps, or that you required an extra premium to be 'on call' and to work OT. this would be close enuf to what some people really want ..

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This is a tough issue

by kbrugnani In reply to Good point

I think I would be up front and tell the in-law thanks for the invite and I appreciate you thinking about me but I am very happy where I am. Now at least you are being honest which will go further than throwing a wrench in a gear. And the money is always nice but it should be that you are happy about your work which is a key to provide top performance to your peers.

However, you maybe in the dog house with the wife but I think if you have something good why ruin it. I think the attitude would do some justice and not only would the wife understand that you are not what they wanted, but save some grace for the in-law.
On the other hand, most companies won't pay for relocation these days because it is a huge cost that they may never recover and if it doesn't work out, then its an even bigger loss to them and yourself.

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Try the truth

by Susan_H In reply to Good point

All you need to do is explain that, while you appreciate their
interest, you do not want to relocate at this time. Don't burn any
bridges--and make sure you thank them. You may change your
mind at some later date and they might even have a better
position to offer.

On the personal side of the equation:
* You need to get a backbone and take control your own life--
don't let your in-laws dictate where you live and work. If you do
now, you can expect them to continue--and you'll be an
unhappy doormat for the rest of your marriage. I'm guessing
they want their daughter and grandkids closer to them--and
who needs to be close to overbearing, interfering in-laws? If
they sent out your resume and arranged your interview without
consulting you first, you own them nothing.

Moving to an economically depressed area when you already
have a rewarding job in a more stable area is just plain crazy.
* Even if they meet your current salary, the position may not be
as secure. If that job disappears you may not be able to find
other employment (and be stuck with a home that is hard to sell
if you have to move again)
* Even if the cost of living is higher where you are now, the
salaries are probably also higher and you will be able to put
more into retirement plans, etc. Being able to put 10K/year into
a 401k will add up to a heck of a lot more than 5K/year at
retirement--and if there is still social security when you retire, it
will also be a lot higher. Then you can move somewhere cheaper
with a bigger nest egg.
* You owe it to your kids to expose them to all variety of culture.

Well that's my rant.

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I think you are missing something here...

by Mickster269 In reply to Advice on refusing unwant ...

"but on the other hand my family members will be offended and disgruntled if I hold my ground and say I'm not changing jobs or moving."

I thought that YOU didn't want the job, YOU didn't want to move, and YOU didn't think it would be an improvement on your current situation?"

So whose happiness is more important here? Your inlaws? Your wife's? Yours?

From what you have told us, someone is gonna be upset, no matter what you do. You have the choice of who is going to be upset. Is it worth placating other family members, while making yourself unhappy?

If you take the job you don't want, in a place you don't want, because someone else wanted you to... how are you going to feel a year from now? How are you going to feel 3 years from now? Miserable? Angry? Depressed? Resentfull? If you do have these feelings, what kind of Worker/Husband/Father are you going to be because of it?

If I were in your situation, I'd have a long heart-to-heart with my wife. Get all your feelings out there, on the table. Let her know exactly how you feel, and why. I feel that is the real starting point to all of this.

If you decide that you really don't want, and aren't going to take this job, then just tell the company that while you appreciate the offer for an interview, you don't feel that it would be in your best interests at this time. Don't make excuses, don't lie, just be truthful.

If nothing else, they'll respect you for being honest.

If not, they're just a bunch of jerks anyway.

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Very well said.

by KaceyR In reply to I think you are missing s ...

You're married. That's a partnership between you and your wife. You owe it to her to talk about your feelings concerning the job as well as your opinion about a move.

Don't lie, it'll just makes life crappy for you and those around you.

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Agree. Stay with the job that YOU want

by stress junkie In reply to I think you are missing s ...

Family members are not in charge of your career. Worst of all if you were to take this job, not that it's been offered yet, this family member will expect you to be grateful for their "help" in your career. Salt in the wound if I ever saw it.

Plus this job would result in you working with your in law. Yuck. This in law will hear all of the office gossip about you. And you will hear all of the office gossip about your in law. I don't know which is worse. They're both pretty unsavory.

Stay with the job that you want. Tell your in law thanks for his/her interest but your current job is very good for your career.

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Mickster knows

by DMambo In reply to I think you are missing s ...

We're not talking about a career issue here, we're talking about a family issue. It sounds to me as though you have bigger problems than facing a career decision. You seem more concerned about being disingenuous with a hiring manager than with your family.

I'll paraphrase my perception of this: "I don't want to upset the company I'm going to interview with, but I want my family to think that I gave it the old college try so they'll be fooled into thinking that the company hired someone else."

To my ear, boiled down that says "I'm willing to lie to my family rather than face the prospect of having an open and frank discussion"

Good luck. I wish you the best.

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Easy way to flunk an interview

by Golfloon In reply to I think you are missing s ...

Having interviewed several hundred job applicants over the years here's an alternative if you really can't do the right thing and face up to people. Don't go in and ask for too much. You may well get it and then what do you do? Particularly if your inlaws have been talking you up?

Go in with a total lack of confidence give a lot of I'm not sure answers and don't be positive about anything. Job done.....

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