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Advice on refusing unwanted job

By smatteson ·
I've been working as a network administrator in a good job for several years now. One of my in-laws gave my resume to his organization and they would like to interview me for a network support job dealing with a certain network software/email system that I have past experience with but do not want to spend further time supporting (I consider it to be outdated and archaic - I want to avoid a holy war so I will not specify the products in mind).

The job would also involve relocating to another state which I absolutely do not want to do. I'm happy in my current job and in my current house, both of which I've spent a lot of work on to get just the way I like it.

Because a family member set this up, I feel I have to go on this interview and while I plan to conduct the interview honestly and to the best of my ability (showing up drunk and telling female interviewers my x-ray specs can see everything might work on Three's Company, but is hardly realistic in real life), if I am offered the job I feel the game is over: I would have to take it, have to move, and have to change career paths down an unwanted direction.

I know the correct thing to do here is to explain to all involved why I do not want to relocate, but my wife feels that moving would be better for our kids, whereas I disagree with her on that for several reasons. The area we currently live in has better opportunities and a higher quality of life.

My plan therefore is to simply ask for too much so as to be refused the job; too much salary, too much time to leave my current job, too many perks like relocation assistance, etc. That is probably going to kill the deal and also lead the folks at this organization to tell my in-law that I'm a selfish person who blew the opportunity by making unreasonable demands, but short of knuckling under, quitting my current job and moving to someplace I don't care to live, I just don't see an alternative.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I can graciously get out of this situation so my life can continue as normal?

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wrong focus

by highlander718 In reply to Advice on refusing unwant ...

This looks to me like a thing than needs to be discussed between you and your wife. It appears that the problem is between you (not wanting to move) and her (wanting to move). Once that is settled, who cares what the in-laws might think even if you don;t show up at the interview ? I mean not that you "don't care" but they should understand that your (you & wife) will is to stay put, that you are happy were you are.

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Where is the pressure coming from?

by j.ringham In reply to Advice on refusing unwant ...

Did your wife give your in-laws your resume in hopes the she could move back to an area that she is more familiar with? Closer to parents or siblings/support group type of people? You don't say how long you have been where you are now, but does your wife not connect with the locals so that she feels more alone where you are? None of this would be your fault, but maybe are some subjects for family discussion. It seems like one of you is going to end up unhappy from this situation, and if you look at that down the road a piece, you may be looking at a split. It sounds like an easy proposition here, just whether you want to take a new job and move or not, but I think that there is more to the picture. You really need to talk to your wife, and your kids if they are old enough to be consulted.

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It's clear where the pressure is coming from

by Zazelle In reply to Where is the pressure com ...

This guy is obviously muslim. There is a requirement within that culture to show great respect to both his and his wife's families. Even to the point where he might be pressured into taking a job in a field he isn't interested in, in a location he doesn't want to move to, just so that no one loses face.

To answer the original question, the only hope you have is to pretend you have been put on a planned career track where you already are, this should give you a short term reprieve with your family. Hopefully long enough until the new post you are discussing has been filled.

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Define What's Important To You

by G-Daddy In reply to Where is the pressure com ...

I'd like to add some thoughts to this subject. As Wayne M. indicated previously, you need to create some priority lists indicating your personal and professional needs/wants and rate each item according to it's importance to you. Discuss this list with your wife (if you chose to marry her she obviously is special to you). Next go to the interview, see what the company has to offer, you should always be willing to listen to any opportunities that's available to you. Lastly, after the interview, sit down with your wife and discuss the results of the meeting. Evaluate the information your received and compare the results against your current personal and professional needs/wants list. Maybe this opportunity will bring to light something you should've considered at your current job. But please remember, if it doesn't address a need you've designated as critical maybe this isn't the position for you professionally or personally. Good luck to you on your decision and I hope I've said something that will help you.

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Be honest and upfront

by radiospanky In reply to Advice on refusing unwant ...

be honest and upfront with your in-laws. When the company calls you for the interview, politely decline the interview andtell them something along the lines of you have decided to ust stay at the company where you are at. Tell your in-laws the same thing immediately after you tell the company. Just my opinion and 2 cents worth.

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Family issues

by marquettia In reply to Advice on refusing unwant ...

I think the real issue is your relationship with your spouse. I am speculating that your wife communicated her disatisfaction with your current environment to her family members, who decided to try to help her. It seems to me you really need advice on how to deal with your spouse, since the job interview is simply an extension of the family issue.

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Be a man

by RNR1995 In reply to Advice on refusing unwant ...

Hello what are you some kind of SHEEP?
Tell your in laws you are NOT interested in the job, do not go on the interview. Do not move.
Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars!
For heavens sake, be a MAN!
I cannot believe someone would actually have this kind of problem? Grow some balls......

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by UltiWeb In reply to Be a man

I couldn't have said it better myself. You need to deal with your wife because she is obviously the one that instigated this entire situation. You are being manipulated and you are just playing along like you have no say so over your own life.

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Be an Adult

by Devans00 In reply to Be a man

Well, I wouldn't have used the exact same words as RRossi, but their message is the gist of what I believe. I'd just change the word Man to Adult. Part of being an adult is making the hard decisions and living with the results. Only on TV and movies is everything cut and dried and easy.

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Get to the real issues

by X-MarCap In reply to Advice on refusing unwant ...

You are married. Unless your wife is getting help from your side of the family, She is without her network of support. If you are as selfish as you sound she gets zero help from you. You sound like a gutless whiny jerk.

If you think that there are less opportunities in "another depressed state where you don't want to live", let me tell you that you can always make a good living wherever you live. That is if you have a shred of talent. If you don't like snow and cold temperatures, (You sound like a whiny CA sun worshipper, or NY City denizen who believes culture ends when you leave Manhattan) grow up, and put things in perspective.

You may be most valuable in CA where 150,000 IT Jobs are for mediocre web developers. Your family would probably be better off where the wife has support to help with sick kids. It sounds like you really are a selfish immature jerk.

The familial support is better than having no support, any day. Your accumulated whines sounds like a lifestyle choice from a selfish person who will not give up his two seat MG midget to drive a family mini-van. it turns out that you would be more courageous to tele-commute to your current job from where your wifes family lives, or to move and see if you can bring enlightenment to the impoverished, benighted area your wife comed from...


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